How To Initiate A Friendship
Posted by: Ali Jawin
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Friday June 26th 2009
You know that awkward stage between acquaintance and friend? That in flux place where you chat whenever you happen to run into each other but never make actual plans to see one another? I am there a lot. I meet someone and we hit it off, but then what? We become Facebook friends? How do you really turn a few fun chats at the coffee machine into an actual friendship? Well, luckily for you I have often been in new situations where I didn’t know a single soul, so I have been forced to cast aside my shyness and forge ahead to build new friendships. Here are my tried and true techniques for turning a casual acquaintance into a friend…
- Ask Her Out For A Friend Date: This is truly terrifying, asking someone you don’t know super well to make official plans. Scary as popping the question is, this by far the most effective technique for upping to the friend level. I don’t mean you have to ask the potential friend to a fancy dinner, but suggest meeting up for coffee or a drink. Something casual and low key that doesn’t come off as over eager but still gives you two the chance to bond.
- Find The Common Denominator: There is a reason you know this acquaintance which means you have something in common. Maybe you have the same hobby, work together or share a mutual friend. Regardless, use your commonality as a starting off point for branching out to further topics. If worse comes to worse and you have nothing else in common, you can always return to the original subject.
- Sharing Is Caring: The way people bond and get to know each other is by opening up. Generally with acquaintance-ships, people stick to neutral topics. If the weather is really awful, and I am talking hurricane awful, then the weather doesn’t count so much as small talk as mutual commiseration. But, most often impersonal topics do not lead to personal relationships. Take the plunge and next time that girl down the hall asks you how your night was, actually tell her. Not all the gory details or the mind-numbingly mundane, but maybe something along the lines of a cooking disaster or boy troubles. Anything relatable will probably get her to share something as well. Just keep in mind not to share too much personal info. You don’t know your acquaintance that well yet, so telling her about your itchy rash from that botched bikini wax won’t help your cause.
- Have A Near Death Experience Together: I am not advocating reckless behavior, mind you. I am merely pointing out the fact that nothing brings people together like a minor disaster. Remember Kelly Taylor on “90210”? She was in that house fire with that lesbian chick and they were, like, bonded for a whole half season. Don’t go looking for trouble, but if trouble finds you, you might as well make lemonade out of lemons and make a friend as well.
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Stef-F
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
It is super scary to ask someone to be your friend! I wish it was like kindergarten when you just said “Let’s be friends” and everything was cool…and awkward didn’t exist…
Ginger
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
@Stef-F Kindergarten was such a simpler time. The only thing you had to agree on was that blue is the best color in the world and you were instantly best friends.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
@Stef-F: I as well miss those early days where I made friends just by asking them if they wanted to play some form of “barbie.” The play-doh wasn’t bad either.
brandyalexander
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
This post is so endearing. I’m in a new city and I miss my girlfriends sooo much. Especially since I live and work alone. It shouldn’t be so intimidating befriending someone, but sometimes it is.
SterlingSilver36
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]
I’m starting college late august and this article is really helpful. My highschool was the “advanced college-prep public school” and so a lot of people from my middle school “gifted” program went to the same HS as me, and those from the gifted program at my elementary school with me also went to my middle school, so I’ve never really had the experience where I didnt know anyone at all like I will have at Hofstra. So thanks so much for this post!
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
@SterlingSilver36: You are going to be a star! Starting college is terrifying, I won’t pretend that it isn’t. I remember driving up with my mom and begging her to turn the car around. It took a while to find people I really meshed with, but for those first couple of weeks nothing beats having someone to eat dinner with. You will meet tons of people at orientation, some might become great friends and others you might not see until graduation. Just remember that everyone is terrified and trying to play it cool. Trust me, everyone is making teary calls home to mommy.
PS My mom want to Hofstra and loved it
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
@brandyalexander: You will make friends! In the meantime though, I know how lonely it can be. One great way to make friends in an urban environment is to join a religious church/community. Even if you aren’t religious, in a city there is probably some group that shares at least one or two of your opinions. Spiritual communities are exactly that: a community. Churches, synagogues, and the like are all about bringing people together. There are a surprising amount of young people who join just to meet other people in a safe environment.
brandyalexander
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
Aw, thanks for the sweet idea. I am an atheist, but I have been involved with a number of social activist groups in the area. I mean, I have a handful of friends, but it isn’t always easy meeting new ones
Hello Kitty
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]
@SterlingSilver36
Finding friends in college is a piece of cake especially if you’re in a freshman dorm, because most other people are in the same boat as you!
CraftLass
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
I really like some of these tips, I went through a major trauma with a “best friend” that made me instantly go from social butterfly, picking up new friends wherever I fluttered without ever thinking about how, to practically a hermit who was scared of anyone new. I’m trying to break back out of my shell and actually met a cool woman on the street recently who I really clicked with, but still haven’t had the guts to contact her even though we exchanged email and phone numbers. So, basically, thank you and great timing! Maybe this was just the prod I needed.
Why is it that making friends can be twice as confusing and awkward as dating? lol I guess it’s not that different, in both cases you are looking for someone you can trust and care about for a long time to come, right?
@brandyalexander: The trouble with moving somewhere alone is definitely the fact that it takes time to go from acquaintance to friend, even with effort from both parties, been there a few times. Joining groups that you are passionate about is just the right first step, I hope it does lead you to good friendships and fabulous adventures!
mlyway
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 08:37 pm: [report]
I too am starting college in the fall and I am nervous because I will be 1000 miles away from home. Although my best friend from high school will be one of my roommates, along with another girl we both befriended on Facebook. I just hope that my current friendship with a girl from my town won’t hurt by not being able to make other friends.
bbpickles
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
I just moved away from my hometown 6 months ago for school, I am 27 yrs. old and not living in a dorm! I have met a lot of men here because I ran into a guy I went to middle school with a couple of weeks after moving! I am happy that I know someone, but it’s not the same as having your bff.
I really miss having girl friends to go to happy hour with and talk to about my man troubles, or my traumatic bikini wax! It’s so hard to make friendships as an adult!
I also only live about an hour away from home, I find it’s easier to just drive home every weekend! I don’t WANT to do that though, I want to meet people here!
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 07:12 am: [report]
@mlyway: I don’t think having a friend from home will hurt your chances of making new friends. If anything I think it will help! Use your friend wisely and borrow tactic so often used by guys at bar: tag team, or double team, or whatever. It is really scary to go to a party by yourself or to strike up a conversation with a group of strangers. You and your friend go out friend hunting together. You will feel much more relaxed walking in with someone and then you two can approach that shy girl in the corner. Think of your friend from home as a way to make new friends (you can meet friends she makes from classes) and a safety blanket.
mlyway
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 08:44 am: [report]
@Ali Jawin: Thanks, that really helped. Even though I am lot more outgoing than my friend, I think it will be okay. But I am going to an art school where a lot of people tend to not have great social skills at making friends. Although I am the total opposite.
JLacy
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
This is so true! And I can really relate. All my life I’ve moved every 2 years but it seemed that I always bounced back.
However, now I’m 24, just moved to a new state for a job. I take online classes so I’m not in a classroom setting and work for a construction company which mean NO other girls for miles. As the years go by it definitly gets harder! You girls heading off to college, I wish you luck and believe me it will take you NO time to make friends:)
challengethem
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]
thanks so much for this article, and all the comments… after graduating college, all my friends moved away from the area and i spent the next year rather miserable and lonely. i am finally starting to reach out to people but i couldn’t believe how difficult it was. i am glad to know i’m not some antisocial freak