How To Go To A Bar Alone
Posted by: Leonora Epstein
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Wednesday June 24th 2009
Bars exist to create a world of potential. Yet often, they are self-defeating because it’s not all that easy to meet new people in them, especially if you’re hopping with a pack of wingwomen (read: competition, intimidation).
A notion previously reserved for alcoholics, going to a bar alone can be about creating independence as well as a tactic for meeting strangers. Or, okay, maybe you just really want a drink and don’t want to look like a loser doing it.
Do your research. Don’t randomly pick some place you’ve never been only to find yourself awkwardly clutching a glass and feeling conspicuous. Being comfortable in a space is the most important thing, so start off by considering bars you know. Even if you’ve read about some great singles bar, consider that it might be painfully empty on the night you set out, or you may walk into a place that’s jam-packed with tables-for-two only. Pick a place that you know will be moderately busy when you go, and has a variety of seating options.
However, branching out into new territory can be a great thing. Make a list of places you want to try that are in walking distance. You can cross one off your list if you walk by and see that it’s PDA date night there. If you can’t tell from outside, walk in, pretending like you’re looking for someone, and huh, they’re not here yet, so you’re going to go outside to call them. Then book it to the next place.
Make it easy on yourself. Give yourself a reason for walking into a place alone. Everyone has to eat, so find out where you can order food at the bar. Bringing a book or magazine will make you look more like a regular. If you’re in luck, maybe there’s a cute boy doing the same thing nearby. More and more, bars offer free WiFi, so you could set up camp to get some work done. Browse regional newsletters and culture guides like Flavorpill or DailyCandy to see if any bars are hosting events that might pique your interest—like film screenings, comedy nights, music—which provide easy conversation starters. (“Do you know what time the next band goes on?”; “Do you know if they’re doing other events like this?”)
I’m sitting here alone, doing nothing. Now what? You’ve gotten your drink and now you feel super awk because you don’t know whether to stare straight ahead like, man, I had a tough day, or sadly stir your drink as if to say, gee, I’m so lonely. You can always pretend you’re waiting for someone by fidgeting with your cell. This also gives you a good excuse to check out the crowd if you’re “expecting someone to walk in the door.” Another option: chat up the bartender. It’s their job to talk to people. Finally, it’s easy enough to get in with a group of girls. You can try getting in first by giving a fashion compliment and then by asking, “I’m alone. Is it okay if I stand with you guys until my friend gets here?” Yeah, it’s a bit weird, but if a nice girl posed that question to your group of girlfriends, would you turn her away?
Hotel bars. You’ll find travelers who are solo, just like yourself. ‘Nuff said.
The crowd can be a good thing. No easier way to chat someone up than if you’re pushed up against them. At a place where it takes you 15 minutes just to squeeze your way to the front of the bar, you may find a handsome neighbor who is willing to do it for you and enjoy your company when he gets back.
Own it. Confidence attracts. You can’t pull it off if you look anxious or unsure. Give off an I do this all the time air. Because by the time you get in the swing of things, you’ll be doing just that.
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bbpickles
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 08:07 am: [report]
Seriously?! I just made fun of a guy who brought his computer to the bar! Don’t be that guy!
Pearl
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 08:12 am: [report]
I would totally bring a girl into the crowd if she asked me at a bar. That’s a good tip, because sometimes *I’m* alone at the bar my boyfriend works at, waiting for him to finish up his shift. And I’d rather squeeze in with the cute girls a few seats down than have to generate small talk with some creepy regular.
Riley
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 08:16 am: [report]
Laptop in a hotel bar is fine, generally if I am staying in a hotel I am supposed to be working instead of drinking at noon anyway.
In a regular bar, you are just begging to be made fun of for bringing a laptop. Just like the guy that walks around an uncrowded bar talking “business” to a non-existant listener, we get it you have a “job”; or at least a phone.
joyy
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 08:22 am: [report]
books, magazines, papers, and even crosswords sometimes are my go-tos for drinking/dining alone, which is what happens most of the time that I’m traveling for work. In those situations, I’m not really trying to meet people (that I will never see again, plus I have a bf so new guys are out), so I’ll hit up a restaurant with a good bar instead - that way you never get stuck eating #&@$% bar food.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]
My local bar in Jersey City has wifi. I bring my laptop to happy hour. Don’t knock it till you mix beer and the internet.
joyy
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]
@cheese - like you need to go to a bar to mix booze and the internet. just don’t spill that beer on your laptop.
sadie
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
I went to a bar by myself once. I had a spat with hubby and was so steamed I just wanted to get out of the house for a bit and be alone. Being a woman, I got chatted up at the bar as soon as I took a seat so I didn’t really get to sit quietly and stew with my drink, which is what I had planned. Eventually my wrath cooled off and I just went home to make up.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
@joyy: Pfft, I actually have 3 laptops all are old and crappy.
raqueleza
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 11:14 am: [report]
I usually bring a book when hitting up a bar alone, and head out on a quiet weeknight. One thing I’ve noticed, though, is that at least three people will try to talk to you when you’re reading, like you’re asking for it.
DebR
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]
Lord! *I* could have written this—I refuse stay at home just because I can’t find anyone to go out with, so I’ll get gorgeous and head out in half a minute!
I would add; tip your bartender large!!
Symian
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
I love to go to the bar by myself and here in Las Vegas there’s a bar for everyone (even non-drinkers). I like to get away from my world where I know people and have time to sit and enjoy sports without my daughter trying to change the channel.
I let it be known to anyone on the prowl that I’m not there to entertain them and I refuse to accept the offer of drinks from anyone. I bring my phone (which has most of the capabilities of my laptop) in case I want to surf the net or do work.
gevlife
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
@ Bat Leaper: Judgemental much? theres is nothing wrong with going to a bar. After a certain age, perhaps there are more limits, but I’m young and at my bar are other young people, consider it a type of social club without the smarmy title.
And who says every girl is going to a bar be herself to get men to buy her drinks? liberate yourself, you’ll enjoy it.
Humble Bee
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
I’ve only been to a bar once, and it was a horrible experience. I went with a bunch of already drunk friends, it was horrible, just horrible. Our driver ended up bailing on us, I was stuck in the middle of busy Hollywood with 2 overly intoxicated friends including myself. I was so drunk my speech was slurred, I could feel it. I tried so hard to talk right when I called my mom, haha. So hard that I dialed the wrong number and called my bf saying. MOM, MOM, is that you? MOM. I just remember seeing my dad pop out of nowhere, and my 2 friends were no where to be found until my mom found one of them curled up on the floor on the side of a car trying to get warm and the other puking all over the sidewalk. I guess maybe if I go solo it would be different, but I think i’ll pass. I’m scarred for life. lol.
joyy
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]
@HumbleBee - anything done/visited while that drunk is bound to be unpleasant. Go when you’re a little older, find a quieter bar that doesn’t cater to the drunk-for-the-sake-of-getting-drunk crowd that wants drinks the size of their face, and drink moderately. With food in your stomach. Dance a little, shoot some pool, throw some darts, catch up with old friends. Bars can be fun. Being blackout/sick drunk hardly ever is.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
@joyy: Proper bars don’t have dancing facilities.
joyy
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 03:51 pm: [report]
@cheese - doesn’t mean you can’t dance. I’m not really into it, but I know some folks are.
Blondie8306
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]
Thank’s for this article! There is a local bar my friends and I frequent, and we have come rather close with the bartenders and karaoke staff. There are some weekends that my friends are busy and I’ve wanted to go up to the bar by myself but I have never gotten the nerve. Maybe I will this weekend!
CraftLass
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 07:00 am: [report]
I just love going to a bar on my own (or used to, when they allowed smoking. Bars are lame now, everyone’s outside and when they’re inside they’re downing drinks fast to get back outside). There’s something about long conversations with a total stranger about that is positively addicting. I never picked up a guy at a bar or let one pick me up, it’s all about meeting people who don’t necessarily agree with me on anything. A healthy debate over a pint is a great way to broaden your perspective. It was especially helpful when I moved down South for awhile, as I learned a lot about my new culture just from talking to whoever walked through the door.
Bringing a crossword is a particularly great idea, I’ve found that people are more willing to speak to you if you’re not actively reading or surfing on your phone or something, and a crossword is easy to take a break from at any moment. Also, if you want to inject yourself into a conversation or break some ice you can ask the bartender or folks around you for help with a clue. Works almost every time.
It’s nice to be anonymous for a bit, just like it’s fun to comment on this site and others because you get to say what you want at that moment with little to no repercussions. You can argue about all the subjects that are sore spots with your family or friends, for example. The advantage to bars, though, as opposed to websites, is that it’s pretty rare that anything you said will be found by the people in your life unless you go somewhere they frequent, which is easily avoided.
skywalk
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
I own a bar and so I bartend on occasion. I love it when new (or regular) women come in. I recommend sitting at the bar if possible, have whatever you want with you a cross word, lap top, etc and chat up the bartender when possible. A good bartender will be chatting up with everyone and will try and bring you into the conversations. Women are always good for business so trust me the bartender will try and make you feel comfortable and welcome. If you can play pool (or at least willing to learn) that is a great way to meet new people.
Hurricane KC
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 10:07 pm: [report]
The best time to go to a bar alone is when you’re traveling on business. I always pick a place that has both a bar and great food…usually something “unique” to the town I’m staying. I bring some work with me just in case, but don’t open it for a while. Cozy up the bartender (and the other waiters!) to get good recommendations on their favorite drinks and entrees. Just smile, and look happy…scope out the scene… grin at a cute guy, and make bffs with the bartender. Almost guaranteed to have a good time
If not, use your backup (work, blackberry, etc).
Now….I never do this in my own town. Haha, too much of a chicken for that!
EnfantDeLune
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 06:54 am: [report]
Another great option is to find a bar that hosts some good local music that you’re into - going alone isn’t an issue when you can grab your vodka tonic and snuggle into the crowd to check out a cool band. Also, at least where i am, a lot of local bars offer art gallery nights, where local artists can sell their stuff and host a reception. This is an awesome way to meet people and mingle with a fun crowd, even if you’re there alone. I think the key is to find a bar that works for you - not to force yourself into a scene that doesn’t fit your personality.
@craftlass - I love your comment about meeting people who don’t agree with you. I agree that is half the fun of going out alone.