How To Get Over Your Ex With Craigslist
Posted by: Lemondrop
Filed in:
sex
12:00PM, Sunday November 1st 2009
My boyfriend and I had broken up, and my heart was in pieces.
I needed a weird and fluky experience to distract me from reality and test my ability to feign composure. And, as we all know, the first step in getting over heartbreak is random sex. What better way to combine sex and weirdness than Craigslist, where people hook up based on absolutely nothing—luck, timing, fate?
I consulted my Meaningless Hookup Expert, aka my Best Gay Friend, to formulate a plan; presented here for your gawking/edification is our first-hand guide on how to have a cathartic, post-breakup, strings-free CL hookup.
Step 1: Have a plan
The more time you spend reading posts on CL is directly proportional to how likely you are to be scared out of it. So have a goal, and get cracking. I decided I wanted to have a threesome with a couple in their mid-to-late 30s. I pictured an established yuppie couple (multi-ethnic if I was being choosy) with a wine rack and built-in bookshelves. They would welcome me casually, and we’d do our thing, and I would leave somehow feeling like I’d learned a thing or two.
Lemondrop: My Craigslist Casual Encounter
Step 2: The Perfect Post
The level of literacy on CL dips pretty low, like into the tween-texting range, but this can also be a good thing because it makes it really easy to sift through the garbage. My post was short and sweet, clear and to the point. I said what I wanted, with whom I wanted it, and described what I had to offer as objectively as I could. I gave gentle versions of the truth, like “petite” instead of “short” and “dark features” instead of “Jew-y.”
Lemondrop: I Was A Craigslist Call Girl
Step 3: The Choice, Pretty Arbitrary
It was as though Craigslist had been waiting for me. I received dozens of instantaneous replies, a couple hundred in a few hours. The responses ranged from enticing (Frenchman and some woman) to disturbing (Staten Island parents in their 50s). I pretty much had my pick.
Lemondrop: He Said/She Said Advice: My Dude Ditched Me In Public
Step 4: The Meet-Up
When I finally met up with my chosen couple for a glass of wine, they were really beautiful and casual. I was impressed with myself. “Michael” was a personal trainer (read: hot bod), and “Michelle” was a cook. He was 30, and she was 40. Forty, Jesus Christ! Cougartown! They had amazing bodies, both for their ages and just in general.
However, the more they talked, the less into it I was. Michael was kind of skanky, and Michelle was like a wannabe Samantha Jones. (She referred to her studio apartment as—yikes, get ready—a “f—k pad.”) I also discovered that they met on Lavalife and were not a “couple” per se, which was not the rosy fantasy I had in mind. I kind of wanted to just do it already.
Step 69: It, the Actual Doing Of
Very little time was wasted on foreplay, thank God. The actual sex with Michael was good. Really good. He knew what he was doing. His peen was average, but the way he used it was way above average. Aggressive, confident, and energetic. Very, very good. And see? I learned something! Size doesn’t necessarily matter ... l mean it does, but average penises can be made above average.
OK, and now the crap part: a very big mistake I made. Now, I’m no Women’s Studies major, but I do like to keep my options open and not lock myself down into a sexual preference category, blah blah blah. However, it turns out I don’t care for lady parts. I mean, I can definitely appreciate them aesthetically, but at the end of the day, I realized I didn’t want to go down on a girl.
So unfortunately, I found myself not into Michelle, even though she had a mad hot bod for a cougar. So I didn’t really touch her hah-hah, and I felt bad about that. Realizing that someone doesn’t want to touch you is the worst, and I’m really bad at pretending to like anything when I don’t. Oh well.
Then it was over. And I was like, “PAYCE!”
Step 393: The Aftermath
Part of me was like, “That’s right. I can do bad all by myself.” Another part of me, though, felt guilty. And then I was angry at myself for feeling guilty. Why is guilt my automatic response to pleasure? I’m not Catholic! But I’m a woman, and I’m an American, so, there’s that. But I realized I had gotten exactly what I needed: a shake-up that would remind me that ex is only one person of millions, and there are even other places (gasp!) where other people are waiting to love me, or at least have meaningless sex. (Also: Michael secretly got my email off Michelle’s account and wanted to meet again.)
Additionally: Don’t Get Chopped Up
My CL encounter was blissfully simple and safe, but remember—use common sense! Before you meet, get multiple pictures, email back and forth a little, talk on the phone once or twice. Make sure two or three people know where you are (warning: choose your confidant wisely, you will be judged), and tell the person(s) with whom you are meeting that close friends know where you are, the address and everything. Also, always meet your rendezvous first in a public place. I think regulars of the cyber-hookup scene let this rule loosen up. Don’t. It’s a reasonable request and will give you a clearer picture of the scenario.
Also, you’ve heard this a bazillion times, but it’s good to get tested after new partners, and avoiding it only leaves you in the dark longer. So if you’re looking to get over an ex, go forth and get off.
Beth Brennan is the pseudonym used by Lemondrop bloggers and contributors when we want to write naughty stuff but keep our jobs/boyfriends/dignity.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
sparklestar
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
I read this on lemondrop and I read it again here and DAMN that’s a tacky thing to do.
I’ll just deal with my breakups like a stable human being, thanks.
k_roja
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 03:46 pm: [report]
I will have to agree with sparklestar here.
Having just gotten out of a long-term relationship, I’m definitely wanting some random sex. However, I’m not so desperate as to peruse Craig’s List for it.
I have a desire to know the lucky rebound at least a little, for safety purposes, and I would at least like to pretend that I’m not really having random sex ‘’)
maystar
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 06:04 pm: [report]
want happened to just going to a bar and picking an attractive guy out ....im sure there up for a one night stand ...i do all the time to get over breakups
luckyviolinist
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 06:51 pm: [report]
... Or you could watch Charlie’s Angels and paint your toenails—that’s what I did.
Jitterbugs232
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 08:05 pm: [report]
I’d rather cry my eyes out and eat ice cream to fullfill a breakup but that’s just me
jadoremode
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 02:47 am: [report]
That’s tacky as hell. You know what I did when my ex broke up with me, I bawled my eyes out to my mom, my dad, my friends and everybody else. That’s the normal thing to do.
brandyalexander
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 08:16 am: [report]
Um, this is in incredibly bad taste. God, who needs to go on CL to get laid? If I wanted to have kinky sex with freaky strangers, I’m pretty confident I could do it without the help of the internet. Gross.
hannahsguy
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 08:55 am: [report]
Jesus! Girl, you need therapy. This was one of the most disturbing reads on The Frisky I’ve ever read. You are one sick puppy. How about getting over an ex the old fashioned way…like talking it out with friends, getting away for the weekend, or…I dunno…anything NORMAL?
retro chic
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]
No need to take this crap so seriously. Just so you know, this is The Frisky’s regular weekend funk (Lemondrop, YourTango, Examiner, etc) for low Web site maintenance.
Ariadna
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 05:33 pm: [report]
So many bad responses… I guess yeahh its kinda scary CL and a lot of pervs there but sometimes you just need a one night stand and metting someone randomly at a bar can be just as dangeroud when it comes to meet creepy guys… I like to go into CL just to see the ads and stuff and once I saw a really cute guy… (just the kind I love and soo similar to my ex: green eyes, great bod, blonde and looking for sex) so I responded first not expecting anything and he replies; within a week we agreed to meet and he was hot! We had sex and it was great, he was cute, sexy, fun and have tons of things in common… and until this day we booty call each other constantly so yeah a good experience :D
Dmun
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 08:10 pm: [report]
You people are pretty judgemental considering she’s an adult who took her sexual needs by the horn. I see at least one reply which replaces random Internet ad with random dude in bar and you honestly feel smug and satisfied for it? Sex is sex, random sex is random sex.
Personally, if you think The best cure for breakupitis is being that weepy chick no one wants to be around, you can keep you “healthy reaction.”
hannahsguy
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:27 pm: [report]
So, this post is about her sexual needs? Sorry, didn’t get that from what I read.
Whenever I experienced what she went through, and I have, ...random hookups weren’t on the menu. Sorry, missed opportunities for romance were never solved by random sex.
hannahsguy
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:37 pm: [report]
Dmun,
Weepy chicks, as you frame it, aren’t the ebola virus of potential mates as you might think. We’re all vulnerable and wounded. That’s our strength…our ability to heal each other. Random sexual encounters only ensure that you’ll NEVER be the girl I bring home to meet mom.
hannahsguy
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:42 pm: [report]
I can live with a girl who has experienced this…and definitely commit to her, but can I commit to a girl who is so easily able to hook up like this? No effin way.
hannahsguy
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:44 pm: [report]
Clarification: Don’t be easy.
hannahsguy
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:58 pm: [report]
Oh, btw, retro chic and dmum, I’m on year 3 of a pretty tasty relationship with someone who has been on the short end of that couple-stick. She was very vulnerable…and I knew it. What I found appropriate was the opportunity to not take advantage of the situation. Man, oh man, did it pay off. Allow yourself to be open, experience what others have to say, take it to heart…and just keep breathing. Or, you could just have sex with strangers. Is it just me or are relationships worth being honorable for?
Dmun
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]
How does a dude get over a chick? Screw a hotter chick. If you’re bothered by women hooking up, you’re a prude, a hypocrite or you think womens great value is in their vagina and having sex with anyone but you takes pieces of that value away.
Either way…
bumbler
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
@Dmun thats pretty degrading to men and their emotional capability.
C.Munro
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
Maybe that’s how a dude does it, but I’m a man. I do it the old-fashioned way: with a bottle of Glenfiddich.
Ariadna
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 06:32 pm: [report]
Whats up with the “being an easy girl” rude comment? she´s not saying she´s easy… it happenned to her once and I did it once… there are crazy things you do, walks of shame, one night stands, being drunk, cutting your hair off, stalking your ex… thats all part of being a woman and making mistakes and growing up… you have not lived if you havent done anything crazy in your life… you´re not a whore for having a one night stand even if its through cl
BiancaDivine
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 06:37 pm: [report]
I would have thought that people would be less-judgmental with their comments on this post, given the breadth of perspective and experience shared in all the comments. Too bad I was wrong on that.
Folks, if casual sex on CL isn’t your cup of tea, then so be it. But to denigrate the writer’s choice with haughty declarations of “Oh, I’d never do that” and “What a tasteless thing to do!”...
Is pretty tasteless in and of itself. Get over yourselves already.
ootie grl
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 08:46 am: [report]
It just makes her sound easy. She could have put an ad in the paper too. brokenhearted chic seeks random guy for meaningless sex.