How To Handle Being The Other Woman
Posted by: Jessica Wakeman
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Monday October 26th 2009
Despite valiant human rights work on behalf of Angelina Jolie to make “the other woman” not look like a big ol’ skank, the truth is most people still think “the other woman” is ... well, a big ol’ skank. And guess what, ladies?! There’s this awesome double standard where people shrug their shoulders at Mr. Married But Couldn’t Keep His Pants Zipped and say, “Boys will be boys,” while they give you the stink-eye, you home-wreckin’ ho! So you have your work cut out for you! Unfortunately, instead of hopping a cheap-o flight out of town to wash that man right out of her hair, some “other women” go a little bonkers when the man doesn’t ditch his wife.
Take me, for instance: I’d been flirting with and developing strong feelings for a male friend for about eight months, during which he kept saying he was steadily growing more unhappy with his long-term girlfriend. I finally got frustrated by his dilly-dallying and told him to either be with me or scram; he chose to leave me alone. But three weeks passed and the day after Valentine’s Day I got a text message from him saying he realized he wanted to break up with her and be with me. I was thrilled! He started cheating on her with me, saying he would break up with her imminently. Each day passed and I grew more anxious that he hadn’t dumped her yet. Finally, he lied to me about how they were “on a break,” which I discovered to be untrue after a little sniffing around. I flipped out big time. I sent his girlfriend a long email about her two-timing, lying bastard of a boyfriend. Of course, he told me that was “crazy” and that if I thought he’d break up with his girlfriend for me, I must have just misunderstood. Wait, what? Uh-huh. Right. Misunderstood.
Looking back on that dramz, the only thing I misunderstood was how to be “the other woman”:
- First of all, look at yourself in the mirror and say this as many times as you need to: “I am not a bad person.” If you tell people about your affair, you’ll get called every name in the book by your guy’s wife or girlfriend, her friends, and possibly by him. The hardest part of this whole situation won’t be the heartbreak but the judgment that others cast upon you. Nasty labels like “slut,” “skank,” and “whore” really sting, especially since I’m guessing you, like me, sincerely believed the only new label you’d be picking up would be “girlfriend.” It’s vital to your self-esteem that you realize you made some stupid mistakes when you had the oxytocin hormone pumping through your body, but you’re not a bad person overall. Words like “slut” are only as painful as you let them be. Also, nobody’s probably calling him a slut, so don’t sweat your less-than-ladylike behavior too badly.
- Stop thinking in black and white. Everything from here on out is in a morally gray area. You hear that? Gray! Banish all-or-nothing thinking from your brain, such as, “But he can’t do that!” Sure he can, honey, and he just did. I know that everything feels black and white right now, like his wife or girlfriend just has to see all these text messages he sent you saying he’s falling more in love every day. But when cooler heads prevail, you’ll stop thinking in absolutes, which, in my opinion, only leads to more drama.
- He thinks you will, to quote the jerk I was involved with, “believe whatever you want to believe.” And that’s fine with him—whatever he tells himself you believe on your own helps him sleep better at night! When you say, “But you told me you’d break up with her for me!” he’ll tell you that’s just what you wanted to think. And in a tone of voice which indicates you must have been an idiot to believe that.
- His wife or girlfriend doesn’t want, or need, to talk to you. You’ll have this black-and-white kind of notion that she absolutely must talk to you to hear the whole story. Newsflash: you remind Cheater’s Girlfriend of his infidelity and she does not want that rubbed in her face any more than she’d want dog poo on a silver platter. I had to have this one explained to me by a 60-something evangelical Christian lady, of all people. But after I sent my crazy email, I thought there was a slim chance the girlfriend and I would commiserate together about the lyin’ cheater. That’s what happens in the movies, doesn’t it? But my best friend’s mom set me straight; she told me his girlfriend likely hated my guts and never wanted to see me again, ever.
- The wife or girlfriend doesn’t care about apologies from you. In her mind, you’re just a total skank and she’s not interested in hearing you grovel. Give her this point. (See item above.)
- Don’t tell people who know the couple involved. Your friends or family might feel like they have to pick sides. Trust me, that’s a situation you’re better off avoiding. The stupidest thing I did in my situation was to spill the beans to our mutual best friend who, I quote, said I “dropped a dirty diaper” in his lap. He really resented it and it screwed up our friendship in a lot of ways for nearly eight months. That experience taught me the not-so-fun lesson that friends will choose sides, even if you tell them not to, and the old saying “bros before hos” (meaning guys stick up for their guy friends, no matter what) is alive and well! My advice? Telling a friend three-times-removed—perhaps someone who lives in Mongolia—is a far better idea if you really need a pal to talk some sense into you.
- I know you don’t want to hear this but ... he’s not worth it. If he is cheating on his wife or girlfriend with you, he is not anyone with whom you want to be involved. My guy said over and over again that he wanted to break up with her to be with me and he kept asking me to trust that he would eventually do that. But eventually I realized I was being stupid and it became obvious he wasn’t telling the truth to either of us. If we had started dating, what basis would I have to ever believe him?
- Let cliché advice set you straight! Simcha has a great little saying to remind you that you’re better off without all this drama: “If you lay down with the dogs, you’re going to get fleas.” It’s a fancy way of saying: You are not Angelina Jolie, he is not Brad Pitt, and this is always going to end in disaster.
- When you find a new, unattached boyfriend (preferably after lots of therapy!), you’ll realize life goes on. A couple months down the line, you’ll no longer have feelings for this jerk. And a couple years later, he’ll be buried in the credits along with so many other minor characters in your life. And you know what? That girl he cheated on you with might still be with him! .
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majicksand
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]
I am personally not a big fan of gray. Seems to me that people who insist on gray being a valid position are the ones causing the drama. Morality issues aside though, no one is worth becoming the other (wo)man. Why would you want to devalue yourself that way? Aren’t you worthy of being the number one instead of hanging around waiting for left-overs?
I am nobody’s “dirty little secret”.
bethlynn00
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:28 am: [report]
I agree I don’t see things in gray. It’s very black and white, you can avoid all this by just not screwing a man that you know is in a relationship and not trying to make a relationship based on ultimatums (it’s either her or me). I hate that so many women still fall for the “this relationship is working” line” from guys, if it’s not working, they wouldn’t be in it. You’re free to leave a relationship when it gets so bad that you are seeking out other people, so there is no acceptable reason that I should be waiting around hoping you’ll leave your woman, it’s a waste of my time.
SouthOC
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
People who cheat with you will typically cheat on you. Move on. Find someone who is unattached.
sammyisadog
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
In this situation, I have been the first woman, and I knew two of the other women, both of whom he was doing these exact things to (where did he find the time, I have long wondered?). We were engaged, so this cheating was very hard to accept - especially because both girls knew me and were “friends” of mine. Actually, I had a very good long chat with one of the other women. After I had gotten the whole story, and I conveyed to her that my problem was not with her, I told her in no uncertain terms that I never wanted to see her again, and if I walked into a room she was to walk out of it. But I think I handled the situation well - no crying or shrieking.
The point is, I did need to talk to her, and hear her side, so sometimes it’s okay to contact the girlfriend.
Raugiel
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
Just upfront, black and white doesn’t mean anything without grey. That said, in the “affair” business, black and white aren’t nessisary. Hooking up with a dude who is already coupled to someone else is going to be frustrating and stupid at best. That’s enough to keep me away without even getting to black, white, and grey.
joyy
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
My ex dumped a gf to be with me ... we didn’t really do anything before that happened, but I kind of stole him. He turned out to be a total douchebag though, and I’ve learned since that things like this are a raging red flag to be avoided. I was young and stupid and have since learned that and many, many other lessons.
That said, I kind of have to agree with the other commenters: don’t eff unavailable dudes. It’s just a bad idea all around.
And I do wholeheartedly agree about how ridiculous the double standard is though. The other woman doesn’t owe the gf anything, the cheating d-bag bf owes her honesty and is doing worse, in my opinion, than the woman he’s cheating with.
tabby
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
Sometimes the girlfriend contacts you because she wants to know “Why?!?” I decided that she didn’t really want to know, especially since she was still planning on marrying him and deleted her messages without responding. If she really wanted to know she could ask anyone who knew him because he wasn’t exactly hiding his cheating and why would she believe anything I said? When you make the mistake of being the other woman for whatever reason (and there is always a “perfectly good” reason) you have to suck it up and move on. There are some great life lessons that can be learned in this situation, the first of which is to not date a liar.
retro chic
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]
Be your own woman – run the other way! That’s how you handle being the other woman. If at any time – woman or man – feel they are not worthy of their own partner – time to seek a pro – the therapist. Everyone deserves someone of their own. No two ways about it. These are not learning experiences, or other such rationalizations.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
This article really annoys me - take responsibility for your actions and stop playing the victim.
sophie19
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
Life is gray.
I was dating a guy for a year, but refused a commitment because I was going to move to France after college. He started dating someone else a couple months before I left without telling me, and she wanted a commitment, so became his girlfriend. Neither of us knew about the other. So who was the “other woman”?
GreenAura
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
Here is how to deal with being the other woman: Don’t be the other woman. There really is no excuse for being in that situation unless you had zero idea that he was attached. Stop fooling yourself. You are disposable to him and you don’t deserve that. He is not going to leave his woman to be with you, and if he does then he will just do the same to you that he did to her. You are gambling with your happiness, self-worth and (if you care) your reputation. Take a different path and find your own single man.
dudette
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
I really don’t see the double standard here. I think BOTH people involved are shamed. The man “who couldn’t keep his pants unzipped” is not usually dismissed just as boys will be boys as you said in the post. At least not today. I think most would agree that people perceive cheaters as jerks or worse (much worse!). That said women involved in affairs get their fair share of disdain from the public, emphasis on fair. I don’t think affairs are shades of grey situations. Break up or move on. Don’t try to do both bc that doesn’t accomplish anything except hurting all involved. Sometimes good people do bad things but that isn’t to say that the things they do are less bad or fall into a grey situation. I think the best solution isn’t to complain about inequality that I don’t see existing presently, but to stop slutting it up to begin with. Don’t sleep with other people’s boyfriends!
B Rose
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
Ugh, I’m sorry, but this makes me so angry. My father cheated on my mother with his secretary. At the time, my sister and I were very young. He ended up marrying the secretary, but only after cheating with her for years before my mother found out and divorced him.
I have equal anger for both my father and my stepmother in terms of what they did. My stepmother KNEW that this was a married man with small children - and chose to step in and screw around with him, anyway. And my father ignored his wedding vows and his kids for a romp in the hay with someone else.
Women who try to defend cheating make me absolutely, positively sick. There is no excuse for it, and this is not a morally gray area. Go find your own man.
CaptFamous
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
If he was really that unhappy, then he would’ve broken up with that girl just to break up with her, not to be with you. Either he’s the type of exceptionally needy person who can’t stand to not be in a relationship, or every relationship he’s in is just a placeholder until he finds something better. Beware people who claim to be in a bad situation, and don’t do anything to get out of it.
BlueVibe
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
This is a joke, right? Please?
Both parties involved are skanks: The cheating husband and the Other Woman.
And, I’m sorry, but this is exactly when you SHOULD be looking at things in black-and-white. It’s wrong. What goes on him and his wife is none of your business. Quit trying to justify your skankiness. Just stop.
abbylyn
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
If you knowingly get involved with someone who has a significant other, then yes, that DOES make you a bad person. Call a spade a spade.
I am really, really disappointed in this article, and with TheFrisky for seeming to pose the idea that IT’S OK to help someone cheat on a significant other.
slip
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]
Why not just sidestep all of this and NOT be the other woman?
Slip
william.paul
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
I agree with dudette. I’ve been that guy before and MOST of your friends, male or female, will look down on you for being a cheater. Yes, there are true friends who look past your actions, but those people are few and far between.
The affair itself might be wrong, but the people conducting it are human and make mistakes. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a “skank” but you might want to think about the choices that you’re making.
After being the person being cheated on, the person doing the cheating, and the other man: I don’t trust people like BlueVibe that see everything in strict black and white. You just haven’t been put to the knife yet.
bethlynn00
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
@sophie19: Um, you were the other woman the minute he made a commitment to the other girl, before that you all were FWB, very simple. Not gray at all.
@ Abbylyn: So right, if you can look yourself in the mirror and not think of yourself as a bad person, or not feel bad about the situation you put yourself in, that does make you a bad person. Remorse is a natural emotion from doing wrong, if you don’t feel it that shows serious emotional problems and you definitely need therapy, not to deal with an affair, but to deal with the much bigger issues in your life that lead you to believe it was okay to have an affair and not feel bad about it.
Ariadna
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
I totally related with your story… I was with this guy for 8 months… he had a gf whom he had been with for 3 years and got another girl pregnant and I forgve it all because he was the love of my life… he finally has enough of the drama and broke up with all and started dating a girl he just met… they been together for 3 months and he says he loves her and wants to marry her and all that buls**t maybe he found hapiness and theres no karma? maybe he wasnted a new beginning and to start from scrath? maybe he´ll cheat on her too (after all he also said he love me and wanted to marry me) I dont know… but I still love him… 6 years in love with him… less that a year of a relation ship… and I cant get over him even knowing what a bastard he is!!! But I wont feel bad about cheating… because at the beginnig I didn´t know bout his gf… and then I believed him… (he did the same of the on a break thing) I was a fool? yes… but the jerk was him…
Anuket
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]
Maybe this makes me a bad person, but if I decide to take on a sexual relationship with a man who is currently involved I don’t feel bad about it. If he’s not going to take his commitment to another seriously then why should I? Certainly I don’t go out looking for them, but I also don’t get emotionally attached in those situations; I wouldn’t trust them. But ultimately they’re the ones who are cheating, not me.
C.Munro
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
As Fonzie would say, exactamundo.
The other woman is a bad person. So is the guy who can’t keep it zipped. Gray areas? Maybe if his wife has been in a coma for eight years or something, OK. Wanting some strange, or because you really, really like him are not gray areas.
It’s sexual ethics such as those expressed in this article that feed the beliefs of the kind of misogynistic turds who come trolling here.
Perceptible
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]
@C.Munro: Couldn’t have said it any better. Ditto!
Lisa Marie
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
I agree with 4 and 5!
My ex-fiance cheated on me in majestic fashion, but we managed to stay friends. His new girlfriend wanted to be my friend, and I decided “oh why not.” Years later, after they married, the friendship ended in fiery destruction when he started cheating on her again and she would ask me “how could he DO this to me?” I was like, “uh, srsly?”
4 and 5. Good call on 4 and 5.
Anuket
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:07 pm: [report]
People have been the other woman and not known it; at least, that’s been my experience. Ere regardless, when I found out, I didn’t feel bad about myself because I did it. He’s the one who cheated, not me! I’m not sure that it would’ve changed even if I had known, if he wasn’t going to take the commitment he made to another seriously then why should I? If you’re going to do it, don’t get emotionally attached.
msu.umich
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]
Holy Judgment Day, Batman! I’m sure everyone would LOVE to be the person who never lied to a friend to get out of some boring event, or the person who avoided picking up the phone when Caller ID tells you its your old but longwinded grandma, or the person who would never (gasp!) flirt with an attached man. (And before anyone buries me in “Cheating isn’t the same as avoiding a phone call!” comments, I realize this, but I also realize that there are many ways in which otherwise good and caring people make foolish choices. Only perfectly self-aware, omnipotent, omniscient, all-seeing, all-knowing, cyborgs with nerves of titanium do not.
Everyone makes mistakes. EVERYONE. I’m honestly surprised at most of these comments! Maybe we should bring back the Scarlet Letter too?
aquamarine
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
@C.Munro—yes.
I’m all for gray areas, but wtf. “How to Handle Being The Other Woman” is self-indulgent crap.
For other women: (Wo)man up, admit responsibility, and acknowledge that you deserve what you got. Do not expect sympathy from anyone. Do not “unburden” yourself to the legitimate girlfriend under the guise of strengthening some womanly bond against cheaters. You are really just trying to justify what you did; avenge yourself on the guy who chose her over you; make both of their lives more miserable than they already are. It’s a selfish, stupid move, not just a misunderstanding or mistake.
This whole post is a giant mistake.
lea322
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
@msu.umich: Making a mistake and doing what it takes to correct it is one thing (ex: Oh! You have a girlfriend you didn’t tell me about? Ok…see ya!). Choosing to continue an inappropriate behavior AFTER you have the facts is a conscious decision to do the wrong thing.
aquamarine
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]
@msu: Everyone makes mistakes; everyone is human. Moral and ethical development lead to our taking responsibility for our mistakes, not writing blog posts about them dressed up as pseudo-feminist advice.
lea322
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]
@Anuket: Why don’t you simply choose to have emotionally unattached relationships with men who AREN’T currently in other relationships? That would seem to solve the whole problem. Just because you choose to deny any wrongdoing doesn’t make it ok.
msu.umich
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]
@lea322 - you’re right, but I’d still be surprised if more people than not haven’t done exactly that (continued to benefit from a mistake they made in good faith) at least once in their lives, perhaps in situations that had nothing to do with being an illicit lover but were nonetheless morally questionable. Not saying its right, not saying its something to aspire to or brag about, I’m just saying its human.
If I said I’ve never made a conscious decision to do the wrong thing, I’d sho nuff be lying. Am I still a good person on the whole?, yes, I think so. And I think if most people say they haven’t done that (this isn’t directed at you, lea322) then they are either fibbing or need to think about their past a little more objectively. So I, personally, can’t wag my finger about morality choices unless I know a bit more about it the situation.
bethlynn00
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
I don’t think it’s judgmental to say don’t be “the other woman”, but it is silly to think that taking the blame off yourself for knowingly playing that role, makes it better or means people should be more understanding. No one wants to be cheated on and once you have been in that situation and know how it feels, you realize how horrible it truly is. I have been the cheater and been cheated on and both are horribly roles to be in and they both are really about being selfish, so no one is not to blame in either situation.
There is a big difference between not knowing that someone you’re with is in a relationship and knowingly starting a relationship with someone who is involved, which is what this post is about. If you don’t know then you don’t know, it happens, people are good liars, but if when you find out, you don’t walk away from that person, you’re just as bad as someone who knows what they are getting into. How can you trust someone who has lied and snuck around on you? You can’t build or maintain a relationship on lies and deceit, no matter how much “love” is involved.
And yes, as humans, we all make mistakes, but that does not mean we don’t have to deal with the consequences of those mistakes! That’s just not realistic.
lea322
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:50 pm: [report]
@msu: I totally agree that EVERYONE has messed up, and that most people have probably continued to mess up after they’d figured out what they were doing was the wrong thing to do. I’m definitely not arguing that people should be held to impossible standards, or that they don’t deserve support or compassion when they’ve made a mistake.
I think what I’m trying to get away from is letting people off the hook for their actions. Feeling bad isn’t always the worst consequence of a situation, and if we all just went around coddling each other every time we made mistakes, we’d never learn from them. I want friends who say, “You’re not the worst person ever. You made a mistake. Now figure out a responsible way to either fix it or get out of it, and learn from that behavior.”
Perceptible
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
@msu.umich, I’m all for bringing back the scarlet letter! Cheaters should be ashamed, end of story.
GreenAura
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
@ Anuket:
Yes, yes, we all know that. But it’s that very comment that perpetuates the notion (albeit judgmental) that all “other women” are selfish sluts. It’s almost like you couldn’t care less about the actual girlfriend in the matter and only care about what is currently getting your panties moist. If you have gotten to a point that the feelings of other humans mean little to you, then that’s quite sad. Why not show some heart (and responsibility) and get out of a cheating situation if you know you are in one? Of course the man in the middle is the worst culprit of all, but why would you continue getting your rocks off with a guy who treats his woman in such a degrading manner? How does that possibly turn you on?
I guess I just don’t understand it because a man that cheats is very unattractive to me.
And to be clear, I am not judging you. You might be an awesome person. BUT your comment rubbed me the wrong way, and I felt the need to reply.
lea322
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
Also, the point of this article isn’t how to successfully remove yourself from a bad situation that you’ve suddenly found yourself in. It’s about knowingly putting yourself in said situation…which amounts to saying, “Go ahead and cheat, if your heart tells you it’s right!” Sometimes your heart needs to take a backseat to your brain, and this is one of those times.
msu.umich
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
Maybe I misunderstood, but the way I read the article, the author’s whole point was about how it was wrong (“jerk I went out with, I stupidly told family,” etc.) So I don’t think she’s writing a manual or giving out pseudo-feminist jargon; its reads as “advice,” but clearly tongue in cheek (skank, ho, etc) advice. From the comments, it seems as though folks are only satisfied if she either says nothing, or says what she has to say while flagellating herself while pouring lemon juice over her head.
Nor did I ever say that cheaters or their luvuahs shouldn’t have to face the consequences (ire from the ex, perhaps a disease from the cheater, a broken heart when karma comes back at you…NOT the Scarlet Letter vilification that I hinted at above). My only point is that my first reaction (and yes, i have been cheated on and yes, it sucks) to verbally stone someone for what was said above.
msu.umich
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
@lea322: “I want friends who say, “You’re not the worst person ever. You made a mistake. Now figure out a responsible way to either fix it or get out of it, and learn from that behavior.” “
Hear, hear! I totally agree with you there. I made my first comment because I hadn’t read much of the “you’re not the worst person ever” part from anyone yet.
Work’s over, going home, read more of the commentroversy tomorrow!
bumbler
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 02:08 pm: [report]
It seems the cheating husband doesn’t get as much flack because you rarely see cheating husbands in the media trying to justify their actions. Instead every other magazine, blog, talk show and newspaper seems to have a feature on an unrepentant other woman most often offering advice on how to cheat-proof you marriage. In their personal lives I’m sure they face the same consequences that other cheaters face. I know I have the same contempt for mistresses, manstresses, cheating husbands and wives.
As for those saying it’s not their responsibility because they’re not in a relationship. What about the basic human responsibility not to cause extreme hurt to someone else because you felt like it? These same people I have no doubt would never emotionally abuse and destroy a coworker’s career even for their own advancement yet they have no problem pretending they have no responsibility in someone’s personal life. Ridiculous how people can lie to themselves.
ohnoyoudidnt
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 03:26 pm: [report]
Sure, it’s easy to pass the blame off to the cheater who is in the relationship. When it happens to you, when you’re the one in love and your significant other cheats on you, how will you feel about people who enable men to cheat?
C.Munro
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 04:01 pm: [report]
I see your point here, but I’d also like to mention that we are a nation that has impeached its president over an extra-marital beej.
But I do believe that most men don’t try to rationalize their infidelities. The attitude I’ve seen is, “Yeah, it’s totally wrong that I’m cheating, but I’m getting away with it so I don’t care.”
And yeah, I’ve made mistakes. I’ve been inconsiderate. I’ve been a bad boyfriend, even. But I’ve never cheated, and I’ve never knowingly fooled around with someone who had an SO. There are degrees to how f’ed up humans can behave, though, and cheating is one of the more severe ones in my opinion.
AnitaBath
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 04:04 pm: [report]
The thing people have to realize too is that, when it comes to telling the girlfriend, it’s the guy’s word against yours a lot of the time. Having been the idiot who always believed her boyfriend over the “jealous” females, I kind of know what the girlfriend’s thinking.
The guy is going to (obviously) deny everything you say and tell his girlfriend that you’re just some psycho who really wants to be with him and won’t take no for an answer and is blowing everything out of proportion. He’ll also end it with a “Don’t you trust me! You’re going to believe some stranger over your boyfriend of (insert length of relationship here)!?” Then the spineless, gullible girlfriend will feel bad for ever doubting her wonderful, loving boyfriend and despise the lying, conniving whore who tried to steal him away. Growing a backbone is usually the only solution for the girlfriend to finally see things clearly and get out of the relationship.
fallonthecity
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 05:44 pm: [report]
So I know the plural of “anecdote” is not “data,” but… I’ve been the cheater, I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been the “other woman” (and got called every possible variant of “whore” for it) and I’ve known tons of people who have also been in those situations…. and I have never ever heard a guy say to another guy, “Man, do you have any idea how your relationship with Susie is hurting her boyfriend/husband? Take responsibility for your actions and break it off, don’t enable her to hurt her man anymore.” Don’t get me wrong—nothing good can possibly come from a cheating situation. Getting involved with someone who’s stepping out is just plain toxic (whether you know they’re stepping out or not). But I am seriously not understanding the mentality going on here that the “other woman” should feel some moral responsibility to the girlfriend/wife/whomever. I’m not going to knowingly start an affair with a man in a relationship, but if he’s stepping out, that’s between him and the person he’s in the relationship with. When I cheated, that was on me. The guy I cheated with did not get blamed for “enabling” me. Nobody was responsible for my fidelity but me. There’s not some worldwide sisterhood that makes us women responsible for keeping each other’s relationships together… people mess up. Does that make it a good thing? No, but the relationship game is really, really messy. I don’t think you can write anyone off as a “bad person” until you’ve lived in their situation.
Stellamira
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 07:19 pm: [report]
I’m going to agree with most of the commenters here. Just don’t be the other women. This article makes me sick; you’re condoning cheating. The example in the article is clearly not grey since it included the phrase, “He started cheating on her with me.” Yep. Not grey in the slightest. If you know someone’s unavailable, have the self-respect to let their relationship end without being a homewrecker.
brades33
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:03 pm: [report]
if you are the other woman, you are a slut, a skank, and a bad person.
_jsw_
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:23 pm: [report]
I think that was pretty good advice, Jessica.
Of course, there were the standard “everyone who does [something] is a [derogatory label]” comments. As you said though, those who see only in black and white are missing the picture. Sometimes it is black, and sometimes it is white, but it’s almost always somewhere in between.
Generally, though, agreed, if you’re looking to start a lasting and worthwhile relationship, it’s usually best to start with someone who’s available.
canadiancutie
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:24 pm: [report]
Oh, I’m not hypocrite. I look down my nose at the hobag AND the life-sized flaccid penis/excuse for a man. Not one more than the other.
_jsw_
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:31 pm: [report]
@canadiancutie: Of course, the man or woman who is cheated upon is always, in every situation, a complete innocent who in no way has any responsibility for the situation. And those who cheat are always, without fail, worthless individuals. Because, even though literally billions of people have cheated and/or been cheated on, they all fall into nice little buckets.
Miss Mia
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 12:55 am: [report]
@C.Munro- Agreed.
The name of the article itself frustrated and upset me. I know we live in a ‘different’ society and the mentality of “he cheated, not me” is sometimes applied, but seriously ladies… I cannot fathom the idea of anyone being involved with a taken (married or not) man. Where are the values and ethics in asserting yourself as the other woman? Regardless if the man has been growing more unhappy with his ___, that is not an excuse or a reason to go foward with any action.
LG
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
Would you steal someone’s car? Would you borrow someone’s car without permission even though you knew they didn’t want you to? Even though the person who is actually in a relationship and cheating is more culpable, the other woman or other man is also taking part in an activity that is not acceptable.
I hope I didn’t offend anyone by comparing men to cars.
triplem
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
I’ve never pursued an “occupied” man, and never will, but I’ve had many pursue me. I have let a few (only a few) catch up. Briefly. Never married men. That’s a distinction, in my mind—I don’t hold with this concept of “boyfriend,” “relationship,” “significant other,” blah blah blah being on that same level of commitment. If you’re not married/formally engaged, then you’re still looking. At some level. (Hmmmm, I’d probably include cohabitating, too—haven’t thought about that one.)
Some men simply are congenital chasers. You can be damn sure I wasn’t the first “other” that those guys came after, and I won’t be the last. Better that they hook up with someone like me—who is the soul of close-mouthed, secret-agent-style discretion, and who isn’t going to turn into some homicidal bunny-boiling stalker (if I wanted an emotional attachment, these guys would be the LAST place on earth I’d look for that.)
I’ve also never messed around with any of the (few) guys who have approached me whose girlfriends I knew somewhat, or spent occasional time with as part of a group of friends, for reasons related to the above—discretion becomes much tougher in such circumstances. I wouldn’t worry about me causing a bean spillage so much as the guy, and I wouldn’t want the after-effects rippling through the whole group.
Altogether, there’s just too damn much potential for DRAMA, which I can’t stand. Which is why I’ve only rarely done this.
Wrong? Not right? Like one of the previous posters, I don’t feel as if I owe some “cult of sisterhood” duty to every other woman on the planet. I’m not the one cheating, and if it weren’t me, it would be someone else. That being said, I know my view is in the minority, at least among women.
“But how would YOU feel if YOUR man cheated on YOU!” Angry and hurt at him, disappointed in myself that I somehow failed to detect his cheater tendencies. Relationship over, or if it wasn’t a marriage, maybe significantly renegotiated. No animus, or much thought in particular for the Other Woman. As I said, I think it’s kind of rare for a guy to cheat only once, and with the woman who then turns into the Love of His Life That Fate Had Just Been Hiding From Him Until Now! He was always going to #&@$% around on me; maybe he already had. The fact that it was with this particular woman, or that one, is inconsequential.
Joey Daytona
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]
I am SO guilty!
I like subverting unhappy homes and liberating the women from dopey reactionary neanderthals… they understand eventually.
AlisonNoelle
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]
As someome who has been cheated on and had to deal with the CRAZY “other woman” I have to say that this article really hit me. I want to say that my circumstances were different. This girl had been after my husband since she was 13 YEARS OLD. She saw a weakness in our relationship and she pounced on it. Now. I don’t totally blame her. She is also NOT the only one that I called a whore or a slut. Hubby was there too therefore he’s a dirty whore too. Item # 5 though…... I would love to hear an apology from her. She insists to this day that because she got her daughter out of the affair she did nothing wrong. She also accused me of wanting to abuse said daughter and tried to get all my friends and hubbys family to hate me. She literally tried to ruin my life. But when it all really comes down to it. My husband is the one who effed up ultimately. It was his fault. I absolutely hate HER but I know its not all her fault. Ugh! Great article but its making me think too much!!!!
moonblossom
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
I don’t want to be Angelina. I don’t want him to be Brad. I just want a torrid affair. On a big bed made up with sheets of every shade of grey.
majicksand
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]
@jsw:
JSW, I don’t belive most of us here think life is that black and white. Not even me, and you know I’m a big fan of absolutes. The issue I have with your comment is that although the cheated on person may have contributed to the failing relationship, that person is in no way responsible for another’s decision to cheat. If you (general you, not personal you) are unhappy in your relationship, end it. If your SO is a crappy person, that’s on them, but the cheating is still on you. As my mom always says, “two wrongs don’t make a right.”
Sometimes good people make bad choices. They don’t become “worthless individuals” until those bad choices become a pattern of behavior that they refuse to learn from or change.
BooksWrittenForGirls
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 12:41 pm: [report]
Yuck…
_jsw_
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
@majicksand: I didn’t mean to imply that all or even most cheated-upon individuals are in any way responsible for being cheated upon. I think that there are many truly innocent people who get figuratively screwed over when their S.O.s screw someone else. I do, however, think that there are quite a few who are in some way responsible for what happens. The cheating itself? Rarely. Setting the stage so the other would feel that cheating is the best course of action? Definitely.
To suggest that the only thing to do when one is unhappy in a relationship is to end it is absolutist and unrealistic. Yes, often and perhaps usually, the right thing to do <i>is</is> to end it. However, in many situations, neither party in the relationship would benefit from it ending. In others, the person cannot realistically expect to end it due to financial or other concerns. What seems to be the opinion of many here is that one should always place the interests and the feelings of one’s partner above one’s own, and I disagree with that.
Cheating isn’t ever a great thing. But sometimes it’s the best in a set of relatively crappy options. I’ve cheated. I’ve been cheated upon. It has never been a good experience for me, and I don’t like it from either side.
However, I’ve seen it work. I know a couple who started as an affair and ended up spending over a decade (so far) blissfully together because they were so right for each other and they acted upon that realization and found happiness. I’ve known at least two men and one woman who had affairs at a low point, got scared by them, and realized what was right about their relationships, therefore ending up in a much better place, with happier spouses, than would have been the case had they not strayed and learned. And I know a few people who, upon meeting someone else, realized how unfulfilled they were in their current relationship, left it, and found eventual happiness elsewhere.
Yes, the #&@$% husband who screws someone new every month because he’s a handsome doctor/pilot/businessman while his wife stays home to mind his kids certainly isn’t the sort of person whose actions I’d condone. The bored businesswoman who has sex on every trip out of town because it’s better than pay-per-view in the hotel room doesn’t deserve a lot of sympathy.
But to argue that the rights and feelings of the non-cheating member of the relationship are always paramount strikes me as a weak argument as well.
Ideally, two people find a match in each other and stay happy for the rest of their lives or at least a long time, and if it ends, it ends amicably. However, such ideals are not all that common. With most relationships, when they go south, the thing to do is to end them before moving on.
But sometimes, in some cases, cheating produces a better overall outcome than not cheating would have. It isn’t always a bad thing, and the people who do it aren’t always wrong to do so. Just my opinion. However, as I said, either as the cheater or the cheated-upon, it’s never been worthwhile for me.
_jsw_
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
As a side note, I wish TheFrisky would reduce their side margins so comments would be more than ten words wide.
Zip29
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]
Sometimes cheating creates issues you cant hide or deny. IN my case I have a daughter who just graduated highschool…..these days old enough to know better. The man is 10 years older then her.
She was fighting with me and broke up from her boyfriend and this man at work was very “kind”. He also turned to her (10 years younger then him so what help could she be) And told her how very unhappy he was in his current relationship and how crazy his girlfriend was and clingy, and controlling and non trusting and accusing. You name it she was all of this BUT he still lived with her cause they had an 18 month old son together. He tells my daughter HOW much he loves his son and has to “protect” him from being raised alone by crazy girlfriend.
So yes my daughter falls for these lines and gets involved and turns out pregnant. Now she needs me cause guess what?
Yep this guy runs away scared and what can he do? What he already has a kid. Of course he isnt going to leave his “crazy” girlfriend whom he claims he doesnt love he is stuck with.
Love it! So he has a child he needs to protect from the woman he lives with and he has a child on the way from a young girl who no longer has a job and how will she support herself and the child coming? (Me of course) Not sounding bitter cause I love my daugher and love the baby on the way.
So who here would tell this other woman OR want to be in the other womans shoes to find out her man she hopes to marry someday has another child he is financially responsible for?
Oh yes he had the gall after sometime of placating my daughter to tell her she had a bad character if she even threaten to tell his current girlfriend about the baby on the way. This from a man who was involved and has a child to support already and chose not to wear a condom.
No I am not condoning my daughter whom I had hoped I taught to be wiser then this and not to fall for sweet nothings whispered in her ear. Sometimes the heart/emotions get the better of us.
I am just saying there is a child to be born now without a daddy in the picture. Drama to involve him or tell the woman he lives with. YET why shouldnt he suffer the consquences of his actions? He is 10 years older and was currently involved. He did alot of complaining about his woman so he knew what he wanted at the time. And he has a son that would be this childs sibiling.
Complicated yes!
Saxify by Canoodle
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 05:21 pm: [report]
Who are these people? What would make their efforts valiant? In introduction is flawed, I truly hope it was just a stab at humor. The reason the other woman looks like a “big ol’ skank” is because her actions of seducing or going along with the act of seduction is wrong in the first place.
I don’t sympathize with you and frankly I find it pathetic that your attempting to play the victim card. You knew what you were doing and then you had the audacity to post it all over the internet.
-C. Munro
Bill Clinton was not impeached he resigned from his position before any actions could be taken. Plus the issue was not over his “extra-marital beej” but over the fact he lied about it under oath about this subject. Plus the media was aware of this affair and others for over a year before the story broke. You should really do your research.
Mint
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 06:11 pm: [report]
I was cheated on and the girl came to my house to tell me with her friends that he’d been lying to both of us. I wasn’t mad at her, just hurt that the lying bastard made me stick around promising we’d work on our marriage while he was porking someone else. After she told me what happened, I tossed his lying ass out of the house. I wasn’t mad at her, not until she called him the most evil man she’s ever met then shacked up with him a week after I booted him out… “shank ho” after all. Poor girl… I guess I was being spiteful, but I told her he wanted to stay with me, but I had enough, just so she didn’t delude herself into thinking he picked her.
Mint
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 06:15 pm: [report]
@JSW… You know what makes cheaters losers? They don’t have a spine, they can be grown-up and just say, hey I’m not happy with this person and I’ll separate from them, then I can go and start a new relationship, where hopefully I’ll be a happier individual. Instead they lie, sneak around, have sex with other people, possibly endangering their partner with STD’s and sickness, just so they can go test if they’ll be happy first. This is what makes them losers.
theoldman
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 07:41 pm: [report]
@saxify you are the one who should do his/her research. President Clinton was impeached but not convicted. He served his full second term otherwise Al Gore would have become the President.
The above aside, it seems that this column is one of healing after the event where Jessica conveys the lessons she learned from her “errant” ways. I think we all agree that philandering is not morally acceptable. BUT the vast majority of comments remind me of the Pharisees who presented the adulterous woman to Jesus. (I hate using religious tracts but this one really fits) He refused to condemn her but said to the Pharisees and the crowd “let him without sin cast the first stone” the crowd dispersed and the woman was told to go and sin no more. This column is about Jessica’s path to contrition. She isn’t as she says a bad person BECAUSE she has recognized her mistake and learned from it. She has made her mistake and if she truly learns from it she will be a far better woman when it comes to understanding the failures of others.
We are measured not by our mistakes but how we recover from them.
DancingGeek
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 07:23 am: [report]
Some relationships are really unhappy and even absolutely toxic and often the people in them respond to their unhappiness or try to resolve it ways that are less than constructive. People can’t always finacially afford to leave a relationship even if they know they should, or they have children and don’t want them to be caught in the middle, which they inevitably are. Good people sometimes make bad decisions, and a bad decision does not a bad person make. I know more than one person who, when young and idealistic, said “Oh i would never cheat that’s just so wrong”, then fast forward 10 years those same people when faced with unbelievable levels of unhappiness, did that very thing they thought was so wrong. I’m not codoning it, I’m saying until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes, perhaps you should not judge so harshly. It may happen to you someday.
Male or female, every person deserves to be happy, but we also deserve more than someone else’s crumbs. We need to have enough self value to know that we deserve more than to be someone’s dirty little secret. I would never want someone to leave their significant other for me, and I would never leave my significant other for someone else. That’s just out of the frying pan and into the fire IMHO. When I left, I left for me, not knowing if there was someone else out there for me, and being OK with that. I think deep down every person knows they should leave a bad relationship and clean up their messes before getting into something new, it just does not always happen that way.
majicksand
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 07:50 am: [report]
@jsw: I did reply to your comment yesterday, but it apparently got lost in cyberspace. I’ll try again later.
_jsw_
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 07:55 am: [report]
@majicksand: It’s OK. I was in a pissy mood anyway when I posted.
I fundamentally agree with you but see more grey, and I think DancingGeek said what I meant but more eloquently. I’m not condoning cheating. I just feel it’s not always as cut and dry as “the cheater”, “the other person”, and “the wronged party”.
loveitlala
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 08:00 am: [report]
Thank you theoldman, that was by far the best post I have read today!
majicksand
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 09:08 am: [report]
@jsw: You’re right, most relationships are destroyed by both people involved. Very rarely is one person innocent of wrong doing while the other is a clear “bad guy”. Cheating is just a very visible, clear-cut wrong. More so than say, emotional blackmail.
I will never believe cheating is a good thing or the right choice, but I do understand that sometimes good people make bad choices. Sometimes circumstances don’t allow a person to walk away from an unhealthy relationship immediately, but the need for human contact becomes overwhelming.
Right and wrong are still black and white. Understanding (not excuses) is where you find the shades of gray.
DancingGeek
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 09:39 am: [report]
@jsw- not sure it’s possible to be more eloquent than you! What you said was right on the money.
I think with respect to the “wronged party”, ther person not cheated on; it takes two people to have a relationship, and there are plenty of ways to “break your vows” if someone promised to love honor and cherish their wife and then proceeded to verbally and physically abuse her, is THAT what he promised to do? If a woman consistently denies her husband physical affection, and doesn’t attempt to resolve whatever issues are causing her disinterest, is that not breaking her vows? And No, two wrongs do absolutely not make a right, but often it isn’t only the cheater who has broken promises.
DancingGeek
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]
what I intedned to write——
I think with respect to the “wronged party”, the person who WAS cheated on;
_jsw_
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 09:44 am: [report]
@Dancing Geek: Thank you.
@majicksand: “Right and wrong are still black and white.” I think right and wrong are the greyest areas of all. No two people on Earth will see everything the same way… it’s allsubjective.
C.Munro
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 10:12 am: [report]
You wouldn’t happen to teach history in a public school, would you?
Actually, it was Richard Nixon who resigned his position before impeachment proceedings could begin. As has been pointed out, Clinton served the entirety of his two terms as president.
Regardless of the official charge being perjury, the fact of the matter is that he perjured himself over the fact that he had gotten his knob polished. I consider the argument of, “no, no, he was impeached for lying about it” to be sophism of the highest order.
Ariandre
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
I have to agree with #1- don’t tell yourself your a bad person.
I ended up being the “other woman” when I was eighteen. The guy told me he was in the middle of a nasty divorce, been separated for years, etc etc; even had me helping him find info in the library to help with his case…boy was I a big ole fat fool. Found out later he did this as a game with lots of girls and his wife was the one who “kindly” told me all about it.
I would like to say I burned his ears with my angry words about the situation but no, after realizing I was the “other woman” I hunched my shoulders and hid in embarrassment. Not all “other women” know they are at the time. I think it is what they do with the relationship after they find out.
theoldman
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
@ C.Monroe no I am a math science/economics major with physics minor (member 40 years of the Clear Lake Chapter of the Fraternal Order of Turtles) and a JD. Spent twenty five years straining at gnats and swallowing camels in the federal judicial system before retiring. As Kris Kristofferson says I cashed the check. Look it up in the Rolling Stone.
C.Munro
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:44 pm: [report]
@theoldman: That question was for saxify, who seemed to have a somewhat incomplete picture of our recent history.
sse1976
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 03:18 pm: [report]
This is such one-sided BS. I’d like to hear how your views change if you are ever in the situation of being the wife/girlfriend of a cheater. First off, you ARE a bad person. Tell yourself what you need to to sleep at night, but a woman who knowingly starts a relationship with a married man is selfish.
The double standard you refer to is not always true. Men who cheat are often ostracized by their families once the affair is discovered and many lose their wives/girlfriends(sometimes also their jobs, kids, status, etc…) because of their behavior. What do you lose as a single woman who engaged in this damaging behavior? A little pride maybe when you realized you were being played for a fool?
Now to address the issue of the wife or girlfriend not needing or wanting to talk to the other woman. I most certainly needed to, wanted to, and did talk to the other woman in my situation. I did want an apology. I just wanted to get a clear picture. I needed to know who this person was that was worth my husband risking everything for. I felt she owed it to me to answer my questions and she was very compliant and I appreciated that. After all, this woman actively pursued my husband knowing full well that he was married and had children. Not all women in my situation feel this way, but I suggest if you’re going to offer up advice to “other women”, you need to remind them that the wife/girlfriend may want to contact them and that the best thing they can do is to remain respectful and not get defensive. If you knew the guy was married, you were wrong. Don’t assume the guy gets off scott-free just because you are are the one berated as a “home-wrecker” and a “slut”.
aries3_04
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 09:30 pm: [report]
i love thefrisky, but I’m not so sure about this post. Are we saying it’s okay to be the other woman? If the guy lied to you about having a girlfriend, that’s one thing….but if you consciously knew he had a girlfriend….YOU wouldn’t want to be her, would you?
leahb1016
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]
I just spent 8 months being the other woman to a married man…He didn’t tell me about his wife until after we’d slept together - ON VALENTINE’S DAY! I was smitten and ate up everything he said - wanting me to be the mother of his children, was falling in love with me, was leaving her for me - he had all the right things to say. Turns out his wife is pregnant and of course he’s staying. While the experience did teach me that there are MANY shades of grey, the more I thought about it…what’s to say he wouldn’t have gotten the same itch once he settled down with me? In the end, you don’t want someone who may always be tempted by the fruit of another…I actually feel bad for his wife and hope his unborn daughter never gets played by a man like him.
AlisonNoelle
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
@sse1976- Amen sister. You said it better than I did.
ImBack
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 06:32 pm: [report]
Jessica, you are right on. I’ve been the other woman for over a year…with my boss…who just got married to two weeks ago. No one ever thinks they’ll get into a situation like this until they’re in it, and it is definitely gray and complicated. But your rules are right on, especially about not talking to the girlfriend/wife. I am thankful that I’ve never had to meet her and that we live in different cities. I might not be an angel, but it’s not my job to break the news that the guy she thinks is so perfect really isnt.
Nora
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 06:54 pm: [report]
Absolutely fantastic! Thank you so much for writing this. You are an inspiration, Jessica!
gingerlove
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 06:55 pm: [report]
At the risk of being absolutely skewered here. Things are not black and white. I am TOW right now with an ex boyfriend from a long time ago. We were in love then and found that we still are. Since we both have high school children right now we have both made the choice to wait for him to be divorced when his children graduate. I was divorced last summer after a 25 year marriage (not related to this situation). I am not saying it is ok to be an unfaithful person. But not every “cheater” is habitual and not every relationship can be painted with one color, in this case scarlet. Neither of us like this situation but nor do either of us want to give up on each other. I do know it sounds cliche, but all situations are different. Life is so short and if you have found happiness, accept the responsability that goes with it and do what makes you happy. If that is self indulgent, then I guess that is also my choice and responsability.
OutOfLine
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 07:27 pm: [report]
@Gingerlove
If you really feel that he is that important to you, and that you are really destined to be together, there is no reason you shouldn’t be able to wait until he is actually divorced. That’s what is wrong.
bumbler
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 08:18 pm: [report]
There’s also no reason for him not to be honest with his wife, oh wait, then he couldn’t sleep with you both.
Ms. Magnificent
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:45 pm: [report]
I’ve never been in a *relationship* on the sly - just had some sexy time with a guy.
It was a weird situation for me - I was young, 17, and he was maybe 30ish, so my attitude was, “Not my problem.” I didn’t really know his wife, and would never have tried to defend it as anything other than reckless impulsivity. I’m sure I wasn’t the last Other Woman that their relationship saw.
I wasn’t so childish as to not know that I was doing something wrong, but as I get older I can now see that the married grownup guy gets to take responsibility for screwing around with an underaged girl. The idea that I did something so scandalous cracks me up a bit - I am the least impulsive person on the planet. I went to college ready for four years of promiscuity, but started dating my now-husband a week in. I had plenty of sex (a lot more than I would have if I were trying to just get some notches on my belt with random guys), but not the kind that makes for good stories.
Gingee
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 08:12 pm: [report]
Oh, Jessica:
First: If people did not make mistakes, there’d be no use for erasers or a consciousness, non?
Next, GalPal by Proxy, you wasted eight months on this guy, whose identity is so fragile, or who is so lacking in something that he needs two women to take up the extra space between his ears. The MOST time one devoted to a guy who waivers is maybe a day.
The one Truly Bad thing ya did, and you must have known it, was to tell the guy’s girlfriend about the two of you. I can almost guarantee that reading that e-mail did not make her feel better.
The boyfriend/cheater is the one who could use a year and a day in stocks and fetters for deceiving you and the other lass, (and aren’t you glad that you are not the one trying to fill that void in him where his ethics ought to reside)
but:
Being deceived does not make you a bad peron, it makes you vulnerable.
Buck up and move on.
Be well.
Gingee
Ozymandias
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
You might not be a ‘bad person’ in the big picture, but you still willingly participated in an act that you KNEW would hurt this man’s girlfriend. You didn’t care, you just wanted what you wanted when you wanted it. Personally, I think the party who is cheating is the worst offender, but what you did was still wrong.
I give way more credit to ‘other women’ who were under the impression that the man was ALREADY separated/divorced/broken up when the secondary relationship started. If they find out later, by then they’re already emotionally invested so not breaking up and believing the man’s lies is more understandable. THAT is a gray area. What you did? Black and white. Just admit to yourself that you hurt this person, what you did was wrong (and stupid) , and try to learn from it. It doesn’t make you evil or anything, but if you don’t take personal responsibility for it then you can’t really grow from it either.
And why would the girlfriend want to commiserate with a person who willingly hurt her? I don’t think you really understand your role the situation, based on this article. You might not have been the Big Bad, but you were still one of the bad guy. You’re not an innocent victim.
zerozerozero
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:31 pm: [report]
I think the one thing missing on this list should be
#10 - don’t act insane.
When I found out my husband of 15 years was cheating on me, I was profoundly devastated. When I found out the women he was sleeping with were not only NOT strangers but people whom I considered friends, frankly the barrel of a gun started looking really good to me. I attempted to stay dignified, pick up the pieces of my life quietly and most of all tried not to be tacky.
Unfortunately the cadre of women he chose to be involved with did not have the same temperament. They all knew about me of course which was fine with them, but inexplicably became enraged when they found out about each other.
This started a bizarre nightmare where they all got together and decided to “punish” my husband with total disregard as to what it was doing to me when I had already taken one of the worst hits of my life.
They called his bosses, his parents, they set up a “support” website and hand to God - they MADE T-SHIRTS. I got dozens of very uncomfortable phonecalls and was forced to relive the humiliation over and over again just because they were “mad.”
Despite the gravest odds, we are still married although it took six long years to get through it. He considers himself a recovering assh*le and neither one of us has any close female friends.
If you are considering getting involved with a married guy - do me a favor and try hard to see into the future. Even if it ends exactly how you want it to - it won’t end well.
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:01 pm: [report]
@zero: That’s horrible. I think I would have forsaken my dignity at that point and made a t-shirt listing all of their names with a caption letting everyone know that they thought sleeping with a married man was ok as long as they were “special”. I probably would also have sent each one of them a beautifully worded letter thanking them for sleeping with my husband, betraying our friendship, and then having the nerve to think they were entitled to be angry about anything.
zerozerozero
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:24 pm: [report]
@majicksand:
Thank you for being so nice, what was then so mortifying I can now mercifully laugh at. The t-shirts in particular are an endless source of wonderment to me. They had a photo of my husband and the caption, “I f****d _____ and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!”
Where exactly did they wear that? The mall? work? church?
The whole thing now sounds like a bad sitcom plot.
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
@zero: You know how everyone says that Karma is a real bitch? Well, I say Karma and I are great friends. If you do your best to live right, hard times will still come around, but you’ll survive and be better for it. Those who lie, cheat, steal, and otherwise disregard everyone other than themselves will get what they deserve. Even if you don’t get to watch, you can sleep peacefully knowing that the universe will balance the score.
BTW, I’m glad you and your husband were able to work it out. He did a really crappy thing, but I hate to see any marriage fall apart. I hopw that you are very happy and can consider yourselves better for having survived the struggle.
claviviera
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:21 pm: [report]
I met a man who told me he was single. We dated for MONTHS - long-distance - and would have these frequent romantic trips together. It turned out he was married. I HAD NO IDEA. I still feel like crap about myself. I still feel like I’m the horrible “other woman” even though I never asked to be in that position. As a matter of fact, it was a position I avoided at ALL cost.
This guy was so bold, I even went to his parents’ house with him once in his hometown! Yes, they were out of town but wanted to show me where he grew up, childhood pictures etc. Constantly talked about me meeting his family, we’d be on the phone many times late at night (afterward I remembered that he was often shopping or out with the boys late….) Anyway, the lies were endless.
I hope someone warns his poor innocent wife. I’ve found her online profiles and she is much younger than him. Poor girl. According to our last phone conversation, she has no idea. He was quite proud of himself that he had been SO careful that no one knew!
And the best of all? He wasn’t really unhappy enough to get a divorce.
I still miss him. I adored that man. THAT, almost makes me feel worse about myself.
To all you cheaters out there: You don’t understand how deeply you don’t only hurt the person you took your vows with, but every other party involved.
alisabashaw
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 06:34 am: [report]
Here’s an idea….how about how an ounce of self respect for yourself. If you find yourself drawn to a married or taken man who is trying to get with you tell him you want to be with him when he’s SINGLE. I mean what the hell people!!! You are not SPECIAL and if he isn’t leaving his “real” partner for you then you are nothing to him. NOTHING!
I have been pursued by taken men and I knew, respected and valued myself more than that. If you do sleep with them then you deserve to be called a skank and a whore. Sorry but you do. Just as if you walked into a store and some person said “hey take this tv out to your car. I’m gonna go up to the checkout and pay for it. No don’t worry about going through the checkout I’ll take care of it.” Hey news flash!!! When you walk out of that store with TV and its hasn’t been paid for yet it’s stealing. Regardless of your “intentions”. YOU will be the one busted and called a thief. Sure the other person might get in a tiny lil bit of trouble but you were the one dumb enough to hold the tv and put it in your car. Just because some yahoo says its ok doesn’t make it so….you will still be labeled a thief. And just because some guy saaayyysss you are special and he’s leaving his wife doesn’t make it so and you will be the one labeled the whore and skank. So if you like those titles please feel free and while you are at it…can you take this tv out to my car for me?
icequeen
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 06:55 pm: [report]
Well first of all- men aren’t wallets you can just pocket and walk away with. I have had and am having “affairs” with married guys. There are some benefits- they love showing me off, they buy me nice things, do household repairs, give me great sex, and then leave! I am free to do my own thing, am content with my status, have fun, and don’t expect a ltr to come from them. If their old ladies were doing their jobs, I would not be nessessary. And yes, I can speak to the wife and not laugh and look her in the eye. Just did it this weekend. But I am just out cold like that lmao. I really don’t care bout the wives, at all. Not my job. Call me what you will- I am having fun.
SUNSIRE
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 07:11 am: [report]
He’s married…..so am I…but we have so much fun together…and we love it….
majicksand
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:39 am: [report]
@icequeen: I would call you a whore, but that would be rather disrespectful to the prostitutes of the world. They, at least, are honest about who they are and what they’re doing.
bumbler
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
Yup that makes you a pretty disgusting, self-centered, just all-around waste of a human being. Congratulations you’re the bottom of the barrel.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
no. shes a whore.
GreenAura
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:50 am: [report]
@majicksand: Thank you for your last comment. You said everything I wanted to say to that
homewrecking whoreicequeen, but you did it with much more tact than I could manage.Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:54 am: [report]
Hey everyone—COOL IT WITH THE NAME CALLING or I am shutting down comments on this thread. Seriously.
Thanks,
Amelia
retro chic
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]
Thanks, Amelia! There is a tendency to overpersonalize esp on these topics. It’s just a web site with articles to post comments on – that’s all folks!
_jsw_
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]
Darn it all.
I’ve been busy and wanted to be able to come back and post insults instead of reasoned arguments because insults are so much easier and evoke all those negative emotions for me instead of having to actually write out what I’m thinking.
I was actually hoping to see insult buttons along with the “bold”/“italic”/“strikethru” etc. ones. Even better if the site would just have a “The above commenter/author is a ____” quick reply box.
Or… oh, yeah, this is even better: how about pictures to click on, like street walkers, someone’s anus, a mule, a pig, and so on to fill in the blank? Then we all could react emotionally with nary a thought required.
Until then, though, I guess we’re stuck needing to use these silly word thingies.
majicksand
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
In our defense, Amelia, she did say “call me what you will.”
bumbler
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 10:27 am: [report]
@majicksand Haha true enough. I would expect a similar reaction if I came on here and posted “I kick puppies for fun because it amuses me to do so. Call me what you will.”
retro chic
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 10:57 am: [report]
jsw: ha. ha. ha. One for each ¶, 2-4.
Riley
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]
@Bumbler - So, kicking puppies is a bad thing now? I can’t keep up with this PC culture.
bumbler
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
@Riley that really depends. I mean it’s not your responsibility to worry about the puppy’s feelings, it’s the owner’s. An if the puppy was doing the right thing at home the owner wouldn’t let it wander where it might get kicked. Basically you have to look out for your own amusement, the puppy is probably asking for it anyway.
AnitaBath
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:09 am: [report]
I won’t do any name calling. Icequeen can think what she will and rationalize it how she wants, but I will bring up her sentence “If their old ladies were doing their jobs, I would not be necessary.”
Umm, sorry, it’s NOT the wives fault. Try to rationalize your actions how you will, but you can’t blame the men being a lying, cheating, douche bag on their wives. I’m not saying the wives are perfect, but come on, that’s how you’re going to justify wronging their wives?
AnitaBath
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]
@bumbler and Riley: Come on people, comparing the two-timing husbands to a puppy is just rude. What have puppies ever done to you?
Riley
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
@Bumbler - I volunteer for the Humane Society and “take care” of puppies that they have no room for on a short-term basis. This way, I constantly have a supply of new kick-fodder.
The system works.
Black Iris
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
The best plan is to not be the other woman. If somebody is in a relationship, stay away from them. Don’t flirt with a guy who’s telling you he’s having troubles in his relationship. Don’t tell someone he can have you if he leaves his girlfriend - he’ll call you the next time they have a spat. Don’t get together with someone who is still going out with someone else.
At some point, I think you have to look in the mirror and tell yourself that YOU did a bad thing. Go through the guilt. Feel sorry. Stop making excuses. Don’t be surprised if people call you names - you may be a good person deep down, but you actually did something bad.
Expect his girlfriend to hate you and focus on feeling sorry for the pain you caused her. She has a right to be angry. Instead of planning how to get revenge on her boyfriend, is there anything you can do make her life better?
Don’t complain if the guy who cheated with doesn’t get in trouble for what he did - the only person you can control is you. Resolve to behave better in the future. And while I agree that you’re better off not dating a guy who would cheat, well, remember that you are a girl who would cheat.
Sometimes we behave better when we think in black and white. When we want something, we convince ourselves we’re the exception to the rule. He’s in a bad relationship. He’s about to get out. I’m really the one he loves. Stick with the simple rule here - if he’s taken, don’t get involved with hi
Squidtermz
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]
@_jsw_ You have to be more creative!
ASCII art lives!
3=====D
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