How Smart Is It To Get Into A Long Distance Relationship?
Posted by: Ali Jawin
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Thursday July 9th 2009
The discussion of the trials and tribulations of long distance relationships is not a new one. Some swear a couple can survive the distance while others refuse to entertain the possibility that two people can stay connected when there is significant mileage between them. I used to be a bit of a compulsive long distance dater. My first two serious relationships were with British boys, which would soon later develop into a habit of only getting involved with foreign guys. Until recently I never questioned if getting involved in a relationship which is destined to be mostly long distance was a good idea. In my mind, if I was in love it would be sheer madness not to stay together. If true love can overcome death in “The Princess Bride” than of course it can overcome a minor issue such as distance. A few years and broken hearts later, I am not so sure.
Maybe I will meet someone, maybe he will, but it seems inevitable that one of us will find someone else. Even if we don’t meet someone ‘better,’ isn’t it likely that we will fall for someone closer by, if only to fill the loneliness and human craving for companionship?
None of my long distance relationships ever ended because of distance, but rather that the distance highlighted other issues or magnified other problems that would have come up later. The distance was actually the only reason some of my relationships lasted as long as they did. The time and commitment a boyfriend takes was not something I was ready for full-time in college. The one time I did have an on-campus boyfriend was disastrous. I was terrible at spending so much time together and trying to balance time with him, time with friends, time for work and, most especially, time for myself. Long distance relationships enabled me to have the best of both worlds with extra goodies, like frequent excuses to go to the U.K. and amazing accents.
Now that I am a bit older and about to embark on a new life journey (grad school in Scotland) I find myself less enthusiastic about entering into a long distance relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for a year, and that’s exactly the amount of time I will be away, a year. As if the geographic distance isn’t enough, he isn’t even American in the first place. He hails from far, far away, for the moment let’s call it the Land of Oz, and while I am from New York and not Kansas, the distance is about the same. We met in America, but neither will be calling it home for the near future, or maybe ever. I will be in Scotland while he is in the U.S., but once I return from Scotland he is thinking of going back to Oz. Where and when do we find each other again? How do we ever cross paths once more when it was a chance miracle that we stumbled across each other in the first place?
I am weighing the pros and cons. The cons are more obvious. The biggest challenges I have faced and expect to face again are jealousy, lack of common experience and the unknown future. Jealousy is fairly obvious and common. It’s easy to be jealous when you are in the same room with your BF and a girl, so imagine how much sharper the jealousy is when they are far away and you don’t know what is up. All you can do is Facebook stalk his pictures the next morning to see if he had his arms around one pretty girl too often. Jealousy doesn’t bring out my best side. Trust is imperative, but jealousy is a much more potent emotion. You have to really work hard at trust, but the second you entertain one moment of doubt, jealousy swooshes in.
Lack of common experience is a real relationship killer. How do you convey everything that has happened to you when the other person has no context. He doesn’t know what your friend is really like that makes her special, the funny noises your neighbor makes, the annoying smelly kid who twirls his pen a funny way in class, etc. All the tiny details which make your life rich and textured are unknown to your partner. The distance when you don’t understand each others lives is far greater than the physical distance. How can you stay connected to a person when you can’t truly know what they are talking about?
And the greatest mood killer and pressure cooker: the future. Distance makes everything more definite and requires advanced thinking. Rather than playing things by ear you are forced to think months ahead to book plane tickets and make plans. Instead of letting a relationship take its natural course you end up constantly thinking ahead to when you will be together. Distance forces relationships to play in a fast forward mode, and often this forward force leads to a quicker end. Because of the pressure of the future, it is so easy to feel pressured and confined. It is no longer an option to see how the cards of your life unfold, you are now making long term decisions based on one another. My own fear, the other person. Maybe I will meet someone, maybe he will, but it seems inevitable that one of us will find someone else. Even if we don’t meet someone “better,” isn’t it likely that we will fall for someone closer by, if only to fill the loneliness and human craving for companionship?
And yet, I don’t think distance has to be the kiss of death to a relationship. For all of the reasons why it is smart to break up ahead of time, I see so much waste in throwing away a wonderful relationship. Finding someone you love and makes you happy is no small feat, and if the relationship is strong enough I would like to think it could survive. When the thought of not seeing the person everyday brings you to tears, then surely there must be someway to hold onto that. Still, there is just this nagging voice in my head with all these reasons why it can’t work. So much could go so wrong so quickly and it feels as if everything is on the line. I think it is smarter to breakup before hand, but I do not know if I am smart enough to go through with it.
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lea322
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]
I think the real killer for LDRs is whether or not the time apart is pre-determined. I think open-ended spans of time are rarely a good idea. If there’s a set amount of time (the summer, one year, a tour of duty, ect) then it’s easier to plan around and you have a definite time you’ll be back in the same place. Dating someone overseas or two states over when neither of you plans on being in the same place as the other in the foreseeable future makes it really tough to make decisions about the relationship’s staying power.
alphabete
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]
I am quite guilty of using long distance relationships to avoid ones where I have to be near someone constantly. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being near people, more that I like being able to learn about someone before I spend any time with them. This is mostly only possible online. And no long-distance guy can push things too far, too fast. It’s not interesting to me at all that I can spend a few (or many) hours with a guy I’m not sure I really like and that I don’t know well, and whom I have to fit into my life. I much prefer to encounter some mathematician or physicist or other variety of nerd online with whom I can discuss all of my geeky pursuits and anime and maybe even get in a little D&D;. Good conversation is pretty near to the top of what I love and it seems (and maybe it’s just me!) that’s nowhere to be found when there’s a man in my immediate geographical vicinity.
bogart4017
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]
I co-sign lea322. If you’re not sure when you will get together again those intense feelings tend to die down some.
musu
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
Ali, your honesty and openness is very impressive as well as astute. It is not easy to expose your heart in this way.
sparklestar
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
I was in a long distance relationship. Whilst it brought us closer, the distance was incredibly difficult. It is very easy to maintain your own life when you are dating somebody far away but eventually it will become too much and one of you will have to relocate.
I remember when me and my (now ex- and recently deceased) husband were in a long distance relationship. We would get back from the train station (it was a 4.5 hour train journey, sometimes longer) and just hold each other for like half an hour behind a closed door away from everybody else. We were just so happy to see each other. Oh no, the tears are starting again. :(
chouette
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
My last relationship became an LDR when my now ex moved for a job. I was devoted to visiting him and trying to make plans, etc, but after 6 months he told me we “have hardly spent any time together” (never mind my recent 2-week visit and daily long phone calls) and he “needed someone who could be with him all the time”. We were about to move a few hours apart in the same state, much closer than at the time, and I planned to go to him nearly every weekend- deemed “not enough” by him. Maybe it’s less of a reflection on LDRs in general than on my ex’s character- he just gave up and threw it away. It makes me highly unlikely to ever be in an LDR again, even though I wasn’t the one who couldn’t handle it. But anyway, my real point is that I think they can work out ok, just make sure both people are mature and committed enough to handle it.
ohsnapitzauddy
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 04:59 pm: [report]
@ chouete: I agree with you. Maturity and commitment are key factors in maintaining a long distance relationship. I went through a period in my life that was exactly like what you went through. It’s like you HAVE to be on the same page to keep something going. And if your significant other can’t appreciate your efforts or at least try to help, the whole thing just collapses.
@ sparklestar: I am so sorry to hear that. I might not know you, but I truly hope you are doing okay.
I’m pretty much facing the same issue myself; my current boyfriend of two years is considering taking up nursing school in the Philippines for two years. It’s very heart wrenching, but I feel if he does decide to go, it would be worth trying to keep it going. Like Ali said, finding love with that special someone is a miracle in itself. If there is a deep understanding of the kind of relationship you have, where the both of you truly want to be at the end of the whole thing, and the ability to sacrifice a year or two in the hopes of living a lifetime together, everything should ride out okay. The whole jealousy problem is something that can be simmered down to a dull roar if you know your guy is truly the faithful and trustworthy type. But sometimes, even through so much trust for your guy, there’s that little bit of doubt because we’ve ALL encountered those girls who just can’t seem to respect a relationship.
As of right now, my boyfriend has been in the Philippines (family vacation) for almost a month now, and it’s been hard, considering the fact that we spend time with each other for hours every single day. And yes, it gets really hard when you don’t talk for awhile and it starts to get harder to keep each other up to date with life’s going-ons. But if something is telling you to try, the least you can do is go for it and pray that the bond you share can stand the test of distance and time.
hellosunrise
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 05:02 pm: [report]
yes, i do believe ldrs are definitely not for everyone. they can be a bit challenging at times. you and your partner have to believe in the relationship and be dedicated to making it work. you need to communicate often and trust each other. if you have those components, then the relationship is most likely going to be successful. i’ve been in an ldr with my SO for over 2 years and and we have a great relationship. he’s going to relocate soon so i’m pretty excited about it. so yeah, they can work.
Lauren25
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
The part about checking to see if he was tagged in any facebook pictures to see if he has his arm around a pretty girl in too many rings a little too close to home. I just saw some pics that a girl from work tagged my long-distance BF. He has his arm around her in a few of them…I asked him about it but he said they are just friends. It still really upset me. I generally trust him and don’t think he cheated….but I still don’t like seeing him with his arm tightly around a girl a few times….what do you guys think?
Emi
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 09:05 pm: [report]
[sigh] I’ve been in a LDR for over two years now. I’m in the US and he’s in Europe. We want to be together so badly, and planned on living together by now but there are many things beyond our control. Jobs, money, finding an apartment together in his overpopulated and expensive country.. etc. The last time things started to look up and I thought I would finally get to move there it of course got ruined. It’s devastating sometimes, but we refuse to give up.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 09:28 pm: [report]
Distance can be good for a relationship. It forces two people to get to know one another one a deeper level. Time that was once dedicated to physical intimacy is repurposed. Long phone conversations become the main form of connection and people can learn more about each other emotionally.
Going from a close proximity relationship to a long distance one can be devestating for a couple. It’s a complete change of lifestyle. Relationships that are long distance from the beginning can often withstand extended periods of seperation better.
gloriafretz
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
My boyfriend and I are in a LDR. I live in Denver and he is in Charleston. He is a pilot in the Air Force. I will admit, it is incredibly hard to be away from him, and I am always sad to leave him, but our relationship is still wonderful. He is my best friend, and we love and trust each other. We spend much of our free time having great conversations and I feel like I have gotten to know him inside out as a result. Our distance has forced us to get to know each other. We have only known long distance, so I don’t have much to compare it to. I think in order for a LDR to work, you have to have three things 1) Trust, 2) dedication to making it work, 3) and endpoint in mind. I am planning on moving to Charleston to be with him in less than a year and couldn’t be happier. It just works for us. I always tell him, “I would rather spend one hour with you than one year with anyone else”. I take whatever I can get, because we are incredibly happy when we are together.
cbloon
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 06:28 pm: [report]
I was in a LDR for 8 years. We have since broken up, but it had nothing to do with the distance. We were both frightfully independent, so for us, an LDR was the best of both worlds. We’d see each other a couple times a month for a few days, or we’d vacation together. We were faithful to each other, trust was never an issue, which I think is paramount. Sometimes I think one of the best things about the relationship was that we lived 400 miles apart…..
DivaDee
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 06:48 pm: [report]
Seeing as though everyone seems to have stories of ended relationships or are mid-relationship, maybe it would help to hear a success story? My sister got to lead the ultimate love story: falling in love with the exchange student in high school. She met him when she was a sophomore and he a junior, but, of course, he had to go home to Ukraine at the end of the year. They sent each other novel-long emails at least once a day (never read them, but Nosy Little Sister got a glimpse of them once in a while) and they got to see each other once or twice a year. I don’t know how she managed to date only him all through the rest of high school and college (that kind of devotion when it’s time to date and be a stupid teenager!?), but they got married the summer after her junior year of college. And they’re the two most stupidly-happy married people I know!
joyy
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 07:19 pm: [report]
@divadee - there are plenty of success stories! I’ve posted about mine before, but I’ll give you a run down anyway
We met alsmot 5 years ago on vacation, kept in touch, and when I decided to go back the next year for winter break, he and another friend had moved there seasonally and let me crash with them. We sparked when we met the year before, but seemed to go home thinking “ah, so that’s what I was looking for,” and since we hadn’t found anything like each other during that first year in between meeting and seeing each other again, we took the plunge and started ‘dating’ when we met up again. He travels for work so it was pretty easy to see each other every other week or so even though we lived ~2,000 miles apart.
It worked out pretty well because I was super busy in college and needed space to deal with that, and though it was harder to be apart for three months when I did study abroad, we stayed together. At about a year and a half into dating, I finished my degree, and it was the perfect excuse to do something I’d always wanted to do: move west. We moved in together when I hightailed it off the east coast after graduating, and over two years later we’re still together, despite the on-going challenge of him continuing to travel somewhat frequently for week to monthlong trips. We’re both uninterested in getting married, so there’s no “and we’re getting married!” seal of ‘success story’ ... but I figure 3 and a half years or so of faithful (mostly) happiness is no shabby deal
noodle
wrote on July 11 2009 @ 09:21 pm: [report]
I figure that if you truly love the person, it’s worth it to give it a shot and make it work. Worse case scenario, it doesn’t work out, and that sucks, but then you aren’t any worse off than if you broke up before the distance. It’s easier to regret things you didn’t do (aka: not giving it a chance) than things you did do. That’s just my thoughts on it though.
Also, invest in a web cam if you haven’t yet. Talking on the phone helps, but being able to look at each other makes such a huge difference.
fifi
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 08:31 pm: [report]
Thanks for this article. I might be embarking on an LDR next year, as I will be finishing my studies in Germany. It would take one year, possibly shorter, but the thought of being so far away from him just gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. We’ve been together for 9 months, but we started dating with the full knowledge that I might be going away for a long time (we were platonic friends before). One thought that keeps me motivated is that an LDR would be a great challenge for our relationship. It will be the ultimate test of how deep our connection really is.