How Much Could You Or Would You Charge An Ex, Post-Breakup?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
4:30PM, Tuesday February 24th 2009
Here’s a tragic story. Elizabeth and her boyfriend dated for about a year and a half. They had some pets, and some fights, and one day, sick of him being a total douchebag, Elizabeth kicked him to the curb. A few weeks later, Elizabeth’s ex came knocking, along with his hefty father, papers in hand. After he moved his belongings out of her apartment, he had Elizabeth sign the papers, and in her confusion, she didn’t pay much attention. Later, she looked at what she had signed, and realized it was a bill for every dime her ex had ever spent on her during their relationship, from groceries to Valentine’s Day presents. Of course this “document” would never hold up in an actual court of law, but Elizabeth was pretty sure it would make people laugh, so she scanned and posted it on a blog, where we saw it. All of this got us thinking—while the idea of actually compiling a bill and delivering it to an ex is ridiculous and laughable, we can’t help but think that’s there’s some stuff we’d like to charge our exes for. Actual expenses yes, but also pain and suffering too. After the jump, how much you could feasibly charge an ex, after a breakup.
EXPENSES
$100 - Half the cost of a dog walker’s monthly fee, for the dog we adopted together, but you abandoned
$5 - 10 text messages that went unreturned, thus making them a waste, at 25 cents each
$80 - Four therapy sessions needed the week after our breakup because I was such a wreck ($20 copay)
$34.93 - Seven pints of ice cream ($4.99 each) over the course of a month, which I would never normally eat, if not for the fact that it helped soften my loathing
$150 - Luggage, which I had to replace because we threw mine away because your luggage, which you took with you in our breakup, was deemed “better”
$75 - A new set of pots and pans, because you took all of ours, even though I know your chubby ass is probably eating out every night and NOT cooking at home
PAIN AND SUFFERING
$120 - For the 12 consecutive weekends I could have spent at the beach, but didn’t, because we were looking for an apartment to buy together, but didn’t, because you dumped me
$60 - An additional $10 for the tan I was unable to build during those 12 consecutive weekends
$8 - A dollar for every pound I dropped not eating because of you (pre-ice cream binge, obviously)
$6 - A dollar for every additional pound I gained back (post-ice cream binge)
$100 - 10 dollars for every time I had to hang out with and be nice to your heinous best friend from college
$160 - Five dollars for the 32 times I had to explain what happened between us (“I have no idea!”)
$70 - Ten dollars for every time I faked an orgasm so you would just hurry up and finish
$33 - A dollar for the approximate amount of blow jobs I gave when I wasn’t in the mood for giving you a blow job
GRAND TOTAL: $1001.93
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Humble Bee
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 05:05 pm: [report]
I bought my ex so much crap, well actually since im a very frugal person, I told him I would let him *borrow* the money which he never paid back, so inturn makes them a “buy”.
An Air Conditioner for his crappy room, paid 40 out of 70 for it
A Laker Jersey, paid 50 out for 80 for him!
A Yankee Lamp which he still hasn’t opened because the box is too nice! $50
Ralph Lauren Pillows $30
and so much more other crap that I just dont feel like getting mad over.
John DeVore
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 06:40 pm: [report]
The photo of the relationship bill is one of the greatest thing I have ever read.
So much rage, hurt, pettiness, and attention to detail!
Alison Wonderland
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 06:56 pm: [report]
Lucky we ended up net -2 lbs. or the bill would have included our gym membership as well. And the fees too.
eden
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 07:04 pm: [report]
He charged $2.50 for an Etsy listing and $4 for seasickness tablets? Who the #&@$% remembers this stuff?
vanya
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 08:32 pm: [report]
I totally agree with John. That photo series is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. It’s worth its weight in gold!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 10:23 pm: [report]
Court is in session! Judge Cheese presiding. State your case.
‘Well your honor she broke up with me.’
‘Though crap son, you #&@$% up, somehow, somewhere you did. Accept your losses like we all did at Wall Street and #&@$% off.’
Rose
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 05:55 am: [report]
Would you believe my 82 year old stepfather is trying to pull the same stunt on my 80 year old mother, as part of their divorce settlement!? I guess douche-baggery knows no generational limits.
Erin G
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 08:43 am: [report]
I want to laugh at how ridiculous this all is, but now I’m all disgruntled over the REAL expenses I’ve paid on behalf of an ex. Like his portion of the rent, bills, food, his cellphone bill, his gas, his cigarettes, his beer, his friggin’ speeding ticket…
Because he was an “artist”.
joyy
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 09:05 am: [report]
@Erin G - now you know to be cautious with your apparent sugar-momma tendencies? I bet you’ll never fall for that sh*t again! Ah living and learning ...
Perceptible
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]
A douchebag to top all douchebags. He is clearly the Douchebag-King. His mommy must be so proud.
shannac02
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
@ Erin: I think you and I somehow dated the same guy… Or maybe its just our generation that thinks the world “owes” them something… I Don’t see how guys can feel like MEN having their women supporting them. I’m all for women’s lib and stuff, but COME ON! Buy ME dinner for once… Geez. And all that crap about: oh, I’m sorry… I forgot my wallet… Ugh.
Reagan
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
I would pay to see a picture of Elizabeth and her Ex. Her situation makes me feel a lot better about the break up I went through last year…thanks for that!
doridori
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 03:32 pm: [report]
I’m not even sure that thearpy will help him…
emnemily20
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 04:59 pm: [report]
I actually did something simillar to this with my last ex. It was more along the lines of this is what you owe me for being to lazy to help me clean and me loosing the deposit for our apartment. Then, I told him the amount he owed me for not actually his part rent. Didn’t help with all the bills that I got behind by covering his ass but lesson learned alright! Love doesn’t equal rent money!
Chelle
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 08:51 pm: [report]
Well, there’s an idea. If I added up all the dinners, movies, gas money (from driving him around when he didn’t have a car), rent, bills, groceries, and a few other items then I would never have to pay child support! My kid’s dad milked me for money while he was with me and now he’s still milking me for money when we had originally agreed I wouldn’t have to pay it. Oh well, at least I got a few good cds of his that got mixed up with mine. He doesn’t know I have them and he never will
retro chic
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 12:40 am: [report]
Wild. This just came up last week for me. My (now former) bf informed me over dinner he wanted me to pick up the tab more. I spontaneously downloaded my own verbal itemized statement of very real expenses.
Needless to say, I do believe I have change coming plus interest and fees. I might even up the ante with Amelia’s list too. And thanks to Elizabeth!
ps: we broke up over his sex practices; my comment’s on this site’s article for “The Man Who Took Too Long.” I should have had the meter running.
redvixen
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 08:21 pm: [report]
OH MY GOD! Did anyone notice that the list has every item dated to the day?! I wonder if he kept the log throughout their relationship? can anyone say psycho?
SummerLane
wrote on March 1 2009 @ 09:03 pm: [report]
I would charge way more than $1 for every blow job I gave but didn’t want to.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 1 2009 @ 09:28 pm: [report]
How much?
seo techniques
wrote on July 18 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
I wish we could charge our exes for these.
I especially like the last two in the pain and suffering part. Also, on a more serious note, I wanted to say that I think that way tooo many people in the world are putting money above things like love and family.
Regards,
Tim from Credit Card Claims