How Long Should You Wait Before Getting Engaged?

Jessica Wakeman
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]

I think that arbitrary deadline is stupid, not to mention cynical. You can meet someone and know they are the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

pittylove
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]

Honestly, I disagree.  My parents met and married in 9 months, with a month break somewhere in the middle and have been married for 35 years.  Deadlines only confuse things.

jojo32
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]

Agreed Jessica.  If you know what you want, why would you keep looking if you’ve found someone who has it all?

angelspinning
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:26 am: [report]

I disagree. I think there are some instances where it’s worked out, but in most cases, within a year or a year and a half you still don’t really know the person or have even an inkling of how your relationship will evolve over time. However, I think as you get older you don’t need to wait as long because you know yourself better and they know themselves better.

I do think that everyone should live together at least a year before getting married, if not before getting engaged even.

likeOMGkbye
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]

@hababaluga, I agree. A year is really not a long time at all, especially as you get older a year just seems to go by more and more quickly. My boyfriend and I recently got back together (6 months next week-woo!) after a 6 month break up, which occurred after we had been together for nearly 2 years. Imagine if we had gotten engaged before then, the drama! And I can assume we most certainly would not be where we are now had that happened.

That being said, although I am always happy for my friends who find love, I think it is RIDICULOUS when 2 months in they are saying ‘I love you’ and planning on where they will live and how many kids they will have. The honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever, so no need to jump into a lifetime just because everything is schmoopy and wonderful the first few months, time is the real trial!

PinkRanger
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]

I think it all depends on where you are in life. I don’t think there is any “correct age” to get married of course, its different for everyone, but if say a 21 year old had been with a boy for 3 years, it still may be too soon to get married. If you are just getting out of college, looking for a career, may end up moving…...may end up changing really. And for some people that transitional age is older, or younger! I think its a very personal decision, and not everyone is ready to get married within a certain amount of time.

You may change more in your 20s then any other decade in life *can’t say that for sure since I’m still in my 20s lol* so you want to be sure you can change together with someone.

rbk14
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]

It all depends - my parents have been happily married for 35 years and they met and married within 4 months.  But the key for them was the fact they were 34 and 35 respectively.  They knew precisely what they wanted/what they were looking for in a mate.  A different ball game if you’re talking about immature 20-year olds with no life experience…

angelspinning
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]

@rbk14 - As one of those immature 20-yos, I completely agree! I have a few friends who are getting married and it just doesn’t seem right. Dating for a year and a half when you’re 24, to me at least, isn’t long enough to get married. Especially at this age, what’s the harm in waiting? You’ll still want to get married in a year or two if you’re right!

I want my own yardstick to be that I’ve known for at least a year that I want to marry this person. If it’s been a year of knowing, and we’ve lived together for a decent amount of time, then games on.

bogart4017
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]

My wife and i dated for 2 yrs before becoming engaged and waited three yrs before getting married. And the old folks thought we were moving too slow!!

MissJennLynn
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]

I think it depends on the person and their individual situation. Getting married young doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage is doomed to fail. Everyone changes and evolves over time. My parents were married for 27 years then divorced. This is shown to be an increasing trend. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean they know themselves better or know what they want. Ever heard of a mid-life crisis??

Rose
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]

And I got married at 21, after knowing him for a year and a half, and not living together at all, and we’ve been married 17 years.  I think a year is a good rough guideline, the all four seasons thing, but rules are crazy.  Everyone’s different, and I would no more advise people to act as I did than I would advise them not to - hint hint.

Britrz
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]

I think it really it really depends on the people in the relationship as well.  Though most people can and do have great marriages after a short period of time, there are also those that end very badly.  Even after 16 months, sometimes I think it is difficult to really know who a person is.  I had an ex, who I sadly dated for 3 years, that lied to me about everything, literally.  I was clueless for a large part of our relationship.  If I had made if final after a year or even two, I would be stuck in a horrible situation.  So again, yes it is fine for some people to get married after a short period, but I would suggest seeing how the relationship progresses first.

resullins
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]

I have to agree with Britrz up there. It totally depends on the people, not the time frame. My parents were together for like 7 years before getting married, and they were only married for 3. I think placing any “rules” on relationships is just putting more strain on them.

The one piece of really good advice my mom gave me was to live with someone for one year before actually getting married. A much bigger indicator than the waiting to get engaged thing.

jojo32
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]

My cousin and his wife just got married last year.  They had been together for about 8 years before that.  And he called me the other day to ask about how to proceed with divorce. 

There is no magic number.  You do what you feel is right.  Sometimes it works out.  Sometimes it’s a giant FAIL.  And life goes on.

rbk14
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]

“Getting married young doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage is doomed to fail. ” - of course.

“Just because someone is older doesn’t mean they know themselves better or know what they want.” - again, of course.  But I assure you they know a hell of a lot more about themselves than a junior still experimenting with the same-sex in college…and that mid-life crisis probably came from marrying too early without experiencing those wild and crazy party days.

KimW
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]

I dated my now-husband for 2 and a half years before getting engaged, were engaged for a 1 and a half years, and will soon be married for 1 year. We are young so I think we paced ourselves right. However, I do know a couple (same age) who was engaged after 8/9 months. I think at least a year regardless of age/stage in life, but probbly a little more time, the younger you are. That being said, I do agree as you get older, you’ve experienced more, you know what you want, and are more committed so the “ideal time” is shorter.

Ryan
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]

I strongly disagree with those who call 20-somethings immature and devoid of life experience. First of all, does youth not count as a life experience? And how did our definition of an adult get pushed to 30? It does everyone a diservice to extend the adolescent phase farther into life. Not everyone goes through the party stage of life for a solid decade. I think we should trust individuals to decide for themselves when they’re ready for marriage. Obviously, from the stories related above, marriages can flourish and fail at any age or stage of life.

nakedsushi
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]

Ah, thank you Ryan, you basically said what I wanted to say! I find it very annoying when people think early 20s (younger than 25) is too young to be married, because the people have no life experience, supposedly.

For me personally, I want to spend time as just me and my husband before getting pregnant, and I want to not have troubles getting pregnant. Sooo… marry young(ish). Seriously, if you know it’s right, why not? Ignore all the naysayers.

Then again, I am opposed to people getting married straight out of high school and getting pregnant immediately just because you want a baby… This is the situation with my boyfriend’s cousin, eek.

Cherubina
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]

Wendy, I sure hope your philosophy for what makes a good span of knowing/sharing experiences with someone is correct! I’ve experienced and shared all those things with my boyfriend (of nearly two years), and I’d really like to marry him someday ...

Lynn
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]

I agree with everyone who said that age makes a big difference. If you’re 18 and you’ve been dating a year - no way! But my aunt got engaged after dating her husband for a year, and that never seemed weird to me - but she was in her mid-40s and had dated enough guys that I think she knew exactly what she wanted, and when she found him, she didn’t want to wait anymore. But if any of my friends dated someone for only a year before getting engaged, I would think they were moving way too fast.

My grandparents got engaged on their second date. They had worked together for a year. She was 19 when they were married. They were married for 68 years. It’s incredibly romantic, but now if anyone even thought that I was his *girlfriend* on the second date, I’d be running for the hills!

wonder_bread
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 07:16 pm: [report]

i think that the ppl who marry after being with someone barely a year or a year and some change are the exception… it is possible to meet “the one” and not feel the need to wait any longer and if thats u than thats fine but understand that isn’t the rule that is the exception. most ppl in the same situation end of separating becuz they didn’t know the person well enough and they got caught up granting there wasn’t any presurring reason for them to rush into it in the first place… i think anytime before a year is too soon. i agree get to know someone for all four seasons first and then after that if u still wanna go for it

Juddha
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 07:30 pm: [report]

Oh geez… if I follow these deadlines, I should be married by now. I’ve met his family, he’s met mine. We survived an 8 day trip to Europe (both our first times out of the country), so that was kind of a stressful event… We survived our first argument… and I love him very much. He makes me laugh all the time. He’s what I’ve been waiting for! Now what? Haha.

joyy
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 07:56 pm: [report]

@Juddha:  a crisis and a pet : P

canadiancutie
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:14 pm: [report]

I won’t marry before I’m 28, so (being 23 now), I wouldn’t marry someone unless we’d been dating for 5 years, after that time timeline gets chucked.

retro chic
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 10:01 pm: [report]

Maybe it’s not necessary to have a formal engagement. No? If someone doesn’t want rings, is living together, and co-creates/embraces the terms of their own unique relationship, why not just plan the wedding and get married? I’m pretty sure engagements per se don’t carry the same traditional weight they used to. I’m also pretty sure that would be me (bt/dt).

fifi
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 10:39 pm: [report]

retro chic: even if you don’t have a ring (a lot of cultures around the world don’t have this), when you realistically start planning the wedding and preparing for the married life, that’s already engagement. It’s when you commit to get married and the clock starts ticking.

sparklestar
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:51 pm: [report]

We’ve been together over a year now and have discussed marriage on several occasions. We know it is going to happen but for various reasons we cannot get engaged yet. For a start he is supporting me through grad school so that I can qualify and earn lots of money in a year or so.

We discuss home buying, kids and marriage with a serious edge to it. We know that it is not the right time right now, despite having been together for the “magical year”. We’ll be about 2-3 years into the relationship before we get engaged and then married probably a year after that.

We’ve discussed this timeline and he’s OK with all of this.

It’s what is right for the individual couple. If you have the money to get engaged and settle down after a year and you know it’s right… then why not?

retro chic
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 12:39 am: [report]

mar_284, oh, true, you are underscoring my somewhat rhetorical, if overly veiled, point—thank you. Informal engagements are better than the formal ones for me—I’ve bt/dt—no need to replay that one.

I have an ex and my child, so I need, and have to handle, different things now. But, people should do what they want, no matter the input from family and others. I’m far more interested in getting straight to the real-world marriage part, than gritting my teeth thru months/years of formal trappings before it. I’d be happy with a year of living together, deciding to get married, skip the engagement ring, but, exchange bands at the wedding… and life goes on, just better.

Juddha
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 04:45 am: [report]

@joyy Pet, check. Crisis is yet to come, which I’m sure, with my family, is bound to happen. Haha.

@sparklestar: True, true. You seem to hae it together and are looking at your relationship realistically. Good luck for a fabulous future!

vanya
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 05:53 am: [report]

I really think it’s different for every couple.  I married my husband within a few months of meeting him, in my mid-20’s, and we’ve been very happily married for 10 years now.

resullins
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 06:54 am: [report]

@joyy: Does my pet Ball Python that he’s sort of adopted count? What about meeting my 3 parents and 5 siblings… he glared me down a little for dragging him home to Deliverence-ville for Thanksgiving with my we-put-the-fun-in-disfunctional family. But he stuck it out and loves them now!

TotallyRidiculous
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 07:24 am: [report]

I say, get engaged as early as you want, but don’t get married until you’ve been together for at least a year.  I have been in several relationships for over a year and in ever case, things sort of change after a year.

joyy
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 08:05 am: [report]

@resullins - why wouldn’t it?  pet = sharing responsibility for something other than yourselves that is a living, breathing thing (I exclude plants from this unless you’re actually taking care of them with the amount of effort you would afford an animal).  If ya’ll forget to feed that snake, it will die (I know they typically eat WAY less often than other pets, yes).

resullins
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 10:06 am: [report]

@joyy: Yeah, he requires approximately the same amount of care as a plant… just with a little more petting so that he won’t turn on you! But Q has most definitely fallen for him! We’re thinking about adding a puppy as soon as we get our own place. We just have to make sure it’s too large for the snake to eat!

joyy
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]

@resullins - puppies are a ton of work ... but they are so worth it.  Luckily, my bf’s dog was already 6 y.o. and trained to be kind of a living teddy bear, so I just get the fun parts (aside from the shedding, ugh!).  is your icon a picture of a rat about to be fed to the snake? : P

resullins
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]

I know, I love them… each of my roommates has one, but I want a large breed, an Aussie (had one when I was a teenager, best dogs ever), so I have to wait. Luckily, Q has 2 dogs that live on his parent’s cattle farm (also Aussies) so at least we’re in the same boat!

kinkeh
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 02:40 pm: [report]

“They are the exception and we are the rule!”

develange
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:39 pm: [report]

I have experienced everything on that list with my boyfriend in the past year. . . and no way in hell am I ready to get engaged/married.

I know people get engaged/ married within a year, two years, and it works out. But it still seems crazy to me!

Hannah P
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 09:43 pm: [report]

I agree with you Wendy, I’ve been dating the same man for two years, and we’ve gone through you’re check list a few times now and I still feel as strongly for him. Granted I’m only 21 and don’t want to get married right now, in another couple years I think I’d be ready.

It really does just depend on the couple though. But under a year I think is way too short.

hermione103104
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]

I tend to agree with lots of the comments here.  “Talking” about marriage, children, and a further commitment isn’t a conversation that should be postponed until a set time limit.  It also depends on how long you knew the person before you started your relationship.  My boyfriend and I said ‘I love you’ after about a month and a half, and starting discussing marriage at about six.  However, we were good friends for a year before then and best friends for several months before we started dating, so this time frame is perfect for us and for what we want.  Also, our ages might be young, but both of us have been in many failed relationships and we walked in knowing exactly what we wanted out of a life partner.  I think this person who wrote this article just might be living in an anti-dream world where perfect relationships never exist.

writergirl
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:38 pm: [report]

Everything happens when you are ready and when it is supposed to.  That’s my philosophy.  There is no time-line.

My husband and I met when I was twenty nine and he was thirty one.  He’d already built the foundations for his business and my career was pretty solid.  We were engaged after eight months of dating…got pregnant three months later (definately not intentionally)....got married five months after that and four months after we were married we had a baby.  We didn’t even mark the one year anniversary of our engagement before we were married with a child.

The expedited plan?  Oh, most definately.  Would I recommend it?  No.  If I were reading this would I think the writer was crazy?  Probably  

But for us, it worked and is working well almost six years later.

Thriodian
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 05:58 am: [report]

I don’t understand how you can be in any kind of committed relationship for more than a few weeks to 2 months and not at least approach the subject of marriage.  I don’t mean planning a wedding and picking out rings.  But, if you are serious about the relationship, you’re going to talk about life goals, plans, how many/if any kids, where you want to end up living, ect.  I don’t mean to say you should seriously plan anything, but how could you not at least discuss things that will so strongly affect your lives?  If you plan on spending a significant amount of time with someone, wouldn’t you want to know in the beginning if they plan on moving or making some other drastic life change that you couldn’t live with at the beginning?
And personally, (and this is just me) if I make it to the 6 month mark with anyone, I’ve already seriously thought about if they are who I want to be with for the rest of my life or not.  And, if I didn’t seriously think so, we wouldn’t be together.  (which probably has alot to do with why I haven’t made it to the 6th month since early college!)
That being said, if you know that you are going to be together and that the stars have aligned in your favor, what is a longer engagement going to hurt?  You get more time to plan your wedding, home, and lives.  What’s 1 year out of 50?

rebbecca
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]

I had to ring in on this.  For myself im a commitmentphob i break up with my bf as soon as i hear them breath the word love but my parents meet during her christmas break senior year of hs and were married by spring break in april and after only knowing each other 4 months before the i do’s alas they just reached 35 years married.  But people from there gen. were more likely to work through or even turn a blind eye to what would be a deal breaking incident now.

MuchoMacho
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]

it took me 2 yrs to say “i love you” and she was the first, and ONLY one i’ve ever said it to.  i have a hard time believing these couples “in love” after 3 months have anything real going on…  relationships take time.

doc
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]

what?! wait a minute…. theres a checklist? you have no idea how funny that was to me just a minute ago…. brought images of myself and assorted co-pilots going through pre-flight checklist, and bride and groom at the altar.. “throttle? throttle at idle, clear? clear! turning engine 1….good start, oil pressure good..”
well anyway i thought it qwas funny,

resullins
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]

@Macho: Do relationships take time? Do they have to? Why do you think everyone has to go by your time frame? I think putting a time frame on a relationship is FAR more dangerous than saying I Love You too soon. Frankly, if I was dating you, and you couldn’t decide if you loved me or not for two years… I wouldn’t have waited around that long. I told my SO that I loved him in a very short period of time. I still love him more than anything. We’re still together. But by your standards, our relationship has nothing going on. That’s very judgemental of you!

MuchoMacho
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]

i never said everyone needed to wait 2 yrs.  i said 3 months wasnt long enough.  2 yrs was right for me.  and according to my standards, you very certainly could have a stable steady relationship at this point.  but after 3 months you were still discovering each other, and whatever it was you had wasnt really love.  are you judging my standards?  how judgemental of you.

resullins
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]

No no… I was not judging… whatever worked for you is fine. But you can’t tell me that what we had then wasn’t love. How do you know how we felt? How do you know how we still feel? How do you know when other people fall in love? I can tell you that when I told my SO that I loved him, I did… truly and deeply.

But perhaps you are all knowing and know what we have better than we do. So tell me please oh mighty one.. How long should we live together before I accept his proposal? How long should the engagement be? Do I love him enough to marry him? Apparently you know my relationship better than me…

MuchoMacho
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 08:04 am: [report]

1 year.  another year.  and look inside yourself to find the answer.  ohhhhmmmmmmm…

eskim00ninja
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 09:06 am: [report]

My husband and I were casual friends for 2 years before we started dating.  Then we dated for 4 months & got engaged.  The engagment lasted 6 months….

Totally WAY too fast on paper, but sometimes hearts just know.  We’ll be married 3 years this September!

pinkwhiskey
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]

Just wanna say, and I know it’s a completely generation, but my parents met in November 1969, were engaged in February 1970 and were married June 14, 1970. They were married 37 years when my father passed and had one of the most loving relationships I have ever seen. My aunt and uncle have been married for 42 years and only dated 3 months before tying the knot. And another aunt and uncle held out for 5 months before they got engaged and have also been married for 40 + years. Maybe our mindsets are just different in this day and age; but if I hold these couples up as my standard for a happy and healthy married, why should I frown on their dating timelines???

DancingGeek
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 08:11 pm: [report]

10 years before getting engaged and another 10 before getting married. LOL just kidding.

foreverinaday
wrote on August 30 2009 @ 05:32 pm: [report]

Well, my parents were together for about 12 years and had two children together when they decided to get married and they ended up divorcing just four years later. My cousin and his wife dated for three months before they started talking about marriage and got married just a year within meeting each other. They had a strict Christian courtship and I think that when you have a foundation like religion, you do much better - but that’s not for everyone. My boyfriend and I haven’t been together that long but I can already see really good things about a solid relationship that I never saw in the years that I dated my ex. It has nothing to do with the timeframe. That’s just a standard that people use, in my opinion.