How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Ex?

voxpulchrax
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:34 am: [report]

me, i go by the one-third rule: you’re only allowed to be mopey for a third of the time that the relationship actually lasted.
sadly, too few people function this way, and i’m still getting messages from a three-month boyfriend that i broke up with over a year ago. *sigh* c’est la vie…

DancerNinja
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:39 am: [report]

It usually takes me less than a month to move on. I’ve always had awesome friends that immediately fill any void that could have been with the absence of the ex.

Nicaly
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:39 am: [report]

I still haven’t completely “gotten over” an old flame from when I was 13-14 years old (now 22), probably because we were best friends and not relationshipy so I guess it’s not the same.  First college boyfriend (1 yr 10 months) took one month and second college boyfriend (1 yr) took longer most likely because mutual friends kept coming out with things that were lied about and new stories of things he said and did behind my back.  So that was probably more of an angry bitter hang on rather than loving sad.

absoluttres11
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]

Oddly, about 4 months for what was a 7-month relationship and about 6 weeks for one that nearly made it to the three-year mark.

Lynn
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]

I think it really depends - like absoluttres11, I have had really disproportionate mourning periods. There was the guy I dated for about 3 months and still kinda missed a year later, and then there was the guy I dated for two years (and at one point thought I would marry) - I never even cried when I left him and moved on almost immediately. I think it has a lot to do with the circumstances.

luke15chick
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]

I guess I wonder what getting over the guy means.  In my mind, there’s the timeframe when the girl is actually mopey, sad, depressed whatever you want to call it and then there’s the timeframe when the girl either attempts or stops thinking about/trying to get back with former ex and either resumes a content single life then when she is her own individual person, dates again when she’s ready and is able to focus on the new person and not compare or look for similiarities/ or differences from new guy to ex.

amandabear
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]

There are only two guys I’m still carrying a torch for. One is my ex, who I was with for 6 years. We broke up 2 1/2 years ago and I still miss him terribly. The other was one of my best friends during college. Nothing romantic ever went on between us, but god did I have a thing for him. There’s nothing to “get over,” really, because there was never a relationship, but I think I’ll always wonder “what if?”

Every other guy I’ve dated, I’ve been over them within a week or a month, never much longer than that. It all depends on the intensity of the relationship, I think.

H. Blue
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]

I define “getting over” someone as the point at which you no longer have a strong feeling, whether it be sadness, anger, hurt, when the person is mentioned or you happen to think of them. 
It took me about a year and a half to get over my ex-husband (I felt guilty before that point), who I was with for almost 10 years.  It took me about 6-8 months to get over a guy I dated for only 4 months. 
I think it depends on your frame of mind during the relationship, who ended it, and where you imagined it was going while it was happening.  Everyone’s different, there’s no formula.

bjoontheupside
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]

It took me about 2 and a half years to get over my ex-husband. We were together for 6 years total, 3 of those were married years.

On the other hand, my recent ex boyfriend and I were together on and off for the last 3 years and I can honestly say that there’s no looking back for me there and we ended the relationship a little over a month ago.

I think getting over someone does depend on a mixture of factors and that it’s different for everyone.

Jenn27549
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:58 am: [report]

My first love took 5 years…until we ran into each other and dated again for a while.  That breakup did not go well, either, and it took me maybe another 6 months to finally come to terms with it and be completely over him.  However, I lived with another guy for almost 5 years, and when we broke up I was pretty much over it the next day!  I had mentally gone through all that breakup crap for months, years even, so I was ready and it was refreshing.  About two weeks later I met the guy who is now my husband…on what would have been me and the ex’s 5 year anniversary!  HA!  I did not want to be seriously involved with anyone that soon, but it was just right, there was no running from it.

Quixotic Lass
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]

I think it depends on who does the leaving.  If the breakup takes you by surprise, it will take longer to get over it.  If you’re the one who does the leaving…much less time.

bogart4017
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]

Its been a while for me but i’m pretty sure bounceback time is half for men what it is for women. Theres always some cheap floozy to give us a good time and take our minds off our troubles. Honest to goodness women can smell a fresh heartbreak a mile away and are NOT interested in being the rebound chick.

asongforsunshine
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]

I’m having the hardest time getting over my most recent ex. We were together for nearly 4 years and it was by far the greatest relationship I have ever been in, it just fell apart. He’s now 3,000 miles away and we barely talk due to his hectic life but I miss him terribly…

TinaLish
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]

It took me 7 years to get over my first love from highschool.  I met him at 16 and he was practically my first everything, we broke up because I had to move away to Hawaii and he didn’t believe in LD relationships.

We kept in touch throughout the years and he would often play games with my heart making me believe that maybe we could have a chance again, making it this much harder to let him go.  But alas that day never came and he’s still with the girl he chose over me.

Because of pining away for my first love, I ended up creating the hugest mistake.  I compared every guy I dated after him, to him.  No guy in my eyes, would ever reach his level.  But then I realized, the person he was when we were together isn’t the same as who he is now.  We’ve grown up, grown apart, and in today’s world it could probably never work. 

It feels pathetic to me that it took 7 years for me to wake up, but I have. 

My most recent ex is now the one I’m having the hardest trouble letting go of, because he’s so amazing.  He found out he had orders to leave overseas for 3 years, and I knew somewhere in the back of his mind that’s when everything changed for us.  He was mentally preparing himself to break up with me because a long distance relationship that spanned a world away would be too much.

I run the risk now of my most recent ex turning into my first love.  And that scares me.  I don’t want to be left pining away, and missing him everyday, and for these days to turn into years.  Somehow I don’t think it’ll end up that way, but it could.

I’m playing it by ear now, waiting to see if maybe he will wake up and change his mind, but until then, or until something else jars me out of my temporary state of complacency, here’s where I’ll remain, hoping and wishing for the day when he will sweep me up in his arms and say that it was all just a really bad dream…

majicksand
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 02:59 pm: [report]

It totally depends on circumstances.  Surprise break ups and break ups due to a move are much harder than break ups you’ve seen coming for months.  When I finally wised up about the guy I was with for 10 years, I walked away without a single tear.  The two month relationship that ended suddenly haunted me for years.

mayorbubbles
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 03:28 pm: [report]

I liked a guy who liked me back. It was never a committed relationship but I got really emotionally involved. Ended at the beginning of sophomore year, didn’t get over it till high school graduation. It was so stupid. If I could go back I would smack myself in the face and tell myself to get over it, he wasn’t worth the time and effort.

C.Munro
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]

Oh my.  It took me about eight years to get over this one girl I didn’t even date.  We met when we were juniors in high school, and I had it bad for her.  She is one of my best friends now, and I thank fortune that we never dated.  Sometimes when we hang out, I wonder what it was about her that caused me to carry a torch for so long, other than being flat-out gorgeous.  I never could come up with a better answer than, “because I’m shallow and have no understanding of what love really is.”  So I won’t call her a first love, because it was more of a teenaged obsession that went on for far too long. 

After that awakening, my emotional response to women has been considerably blunted.  Breakups usually involve a brief period of vague regret.  Maybe a couple of weeks of feeling like an a-hole, typically followed by months of celibacy to stave off fresh feelings of guilt.

SouthOC
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]

@majicksand:  I totally agree.  I was married to my first wife for 15 years, and by the time it was over I walked out without a single regret.

I had a self imposed “no dating” rule for one year though as I tried to figure out how I fell for a crazy person.

Natalie W
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:43 pm: [report]

I just got out of a two year live-in relationship, and I’m over the man, but not over coming home to someone.

Jitterbugs232
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 06:18 pm: [report]

All my friends tell me that if my boyfriend (of 8 months) & I break up that im officially screwed because he is my first everything.I’m starting to think they are right but so far my relationship is great

I also don’t get how it takes us girls longer to get over a guy but for a guy it only takes a few weeks wtf?

rokgdss4
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 06:45 pm: [report]

I had to register to answer this, because it has been on my mind a lot lately. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (living together the last year) when I moved across the country for school. I was ready to have him come with me and start a life together on the road to marriage, etc. He wasn’t into the idea, so we broke up when I left. I had a lot of advance warning that the breakup was coming, since we had been discussing the options for several months before it actually happened.

Fast forward to the present and I am currently infatuated with someone new. To the point I am having to chastise myself for thinking silly girl thoughts about him being “the one.” Regardless, he is fantastic, and was someone I knew I couldn’t let pass me by because of some feelings of guilt based on not taking “enough” time since my breakup.

Reading what everyone has posted here has made me feel a ton better. I mean, I have been getting over the ex basically since June (more or less), and just started dating the new guy, but I still feel like everyone I know is whispering about my rebounding, etc. I just don’t want to screw things up with the new guy because I didn’t take “long enough”  to be over the last one. I feel like I am ready, but hearing everyone else say that they were often able to get over long term relationships relatively quickly has eased my mind. Look out new guy, here I come!

foolish
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 08:38 pm: [report]

I’m wondering if its possible that you never truly get over someone. You are no longer in love with the person, but still love them? I can’t seem to get over my ex whatever I seem to do? Perhaps its because he’s still in my life?! I’ve tried cutting him out? being friends? Talking once in a while… and nothing, something I think moving would be the only solution!

fallonthecity
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:33 am: [report]

What does it mean to get over somebody?  It took me about a year to move past the feelings I had for my most recent ex, but it took longer to get back any real interest in dating.

gcdc
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:07 pm: [report]

Yeah I fell like I’m 99.9% over a nearly-5 yr relationship that ended less than 4 mos ago, it was ending for a while before we finally broke it off.

But then there’s the guy I’ve been crushing on for years. (yeah, even while in the last relationship) So we’re both single, and I assumed that something would happen, the mutual attraction has been clear.

Well, something did, but not really a “relationship.” So how do I let go of that? It’s the “what if” side of the question…if the timing were different, if I give him just a little more time…It’s harder to get over something that still feels like a possibility, an unknown, than something you know was a bad relationship.

majicksand
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]

@foolish: It is quite possible to still love someone with whom you are no longer “in love”.  I will always love the man I spent 10 years of my life with.  I was able to let go when I realized that I was no longer in love and for that matter I don’t even like him as a person anymore.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t want him in my life.

ajoyw
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 02:48 pm: [report]

In my experience, it depends on who ended it. Usually the dumper has mended sooner than the dumpee. Only once have I experienced the mutual “we’re just not right for each other” breakup.

@Natalie W, you’re right… it’s not just the person you have to get over, there’s also the being with someone feeling that can be hard to shake off.

VictoriaLynn213
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]

I had a best friend that I fell in love with. We were in a relationship for awhile but technically we only ‘dated’ for two months. It took me five years to fully get over it. While I was getting over that guy I dated another for 3 and a half years. We broke up and I was able to date someone else a month later. As for the present guy, which I know doesnt matter to you guys at all haha, is amazing in every single way and I hearts him. ^^

LoveMN
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 05:41 pm: [report]

Never got over him. Relationship lasted 8-9 months, and then broke up. Over the next 7 months we still “saw” each other. Now we’re officially back together. Couldn’t be happier.

canadiancutie
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 08:06 pm: [report]

...about as long as it takes to start screwing someone else. No more, no less.

Even if you rush in and do it with a guy who is obviously *NotTheOne* it’ll be a welcome distraction until you meet someone who is actually worth spending time with.

That Moron
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 08:59 pm: [report]

It takes longest of all with somebody you never quite asked out for whatever reason, because you don’t have an answer to your question.  Even getting shot down or broken up with is at least an answer.  Not the answer you necessarily wanted, but it is at least what Rumsfeld would call a known known.

(That’s it, listen to romance advice from the guy who references Rumsfeld. Genius!)

But dropping the ball with a potential Great One (see Sonny in “A Bronx Tale” for the definition)? 

That will eat at you for years.

SonaliM
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 07:49 pm: [report]

I was in a relationship with a guy for almost 3 years.  his year on Vday weekend he wrote several abusive emails to me and broke up. 
Couple of months later he is engaged and then married.  I could be replaced very easily…and the replacement was also a lot better…she could be immediately upgraded

TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 11:01 pm: [report]

Twenty-one years and counting…

That’s either incredibly romantic or incredibly pathetic. Or both.

ootie grl
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]

I agree with Quixotic Lass on this one. Definatley depends on who did the leaving.

foolish
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 11:03 am: [report]

@ majicksand, I think what you said makes SO much sense to me right now. He was my first very important guy in my life hence why I think I will always love him. I have a hard time accepting that I still care/love him but don’t really want him in my life… but I see it can be done. Thanks!

As for @ Canadiancutie, I think you’re way of thinking is good, distractions are totally the way to go!

ootie
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 09:03 pm: [report]

I think a lot of has to do with how you conduct yourself after a breakup.  The no-contact rule is something that is extremely important to my moving on…its really helpful for me to tell my ex not to contact me unless absolutely necessary, so that way my heart doesn’t start pounding every time I get a phone call or text message.  It makes it harder for the first few weeks, but I think its definitely worth it in the long run.

SouthOC
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 10:17 am: [report]

I think it depends on who does the leaving…  If you initiate the breakup, you’ve had a chance to evaluate why it isn’t working for you and make a choice to leave.

The person who gets left often finds themselves in a pile of hurt and rejection.  Self esteem takes a big hit - which is what takes the recovery time.

nicole0X
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 03:49 pm: [report]

2.5 year relationship—going on 4 months and I think I’m almost over it. The happy moments are starting to outweigh the sad ones.

Completely agree with this:
“But I’d like to think that “getting over” someone means we arrive at a point where we allow happiness, joy and hope for the future to fill the emptiness our broken relationship created.”  Thanks for that

SonaliM
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:25 pm: [report]

I guess my so-called happy moments can’t be counted as happy….when I came to know that he was actually faking a relation with me for almost 3 yrs….he had a woman set aside for him back in home to get married, but till then he needed somebody for physical pleasure…so that was my position in his life! ...so I guess…I never get over it

LAGirl
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]

I was with my ex for over 4 years, lived together for 2 years. He was a complete scumb bug- i.e I paid the bills for us for over 2 years (rent, utlities, gas) etc. Not to mention he was 7 years older then me. Anyway, I ended up meeting someone in the last month of our relationship, who was a completely different man and person i have ever been. He helped me move on from my loser ex. I’d say it took at least 6 months to really really get over my ex. I sometimes still get jealous when I hear he’s with someone else (which I know i shouldnt feel because he’s a loser..but it’s hard. I think I am completely done with him because I have no interest to talk to him, nor do I feel for him. The only thing that is still there is the occasional jealousy of the girls he is dating. So for a 4 year relationship, 6 months was what it took (and that is WHILE in another relationship though.) I couldn’t imagine how much harder it would have been if I was single for these past 10 months.

BodaciousBlonde
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:02 pm: [report]

I think that sometimes you may never really get over someone. That’s ok. As long as it doesn’t affect your life from moving on and as long as you don’t try and intefere in their life if they are no longer interested and have moved on.

catmcroy
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:46 pm: [report]

Anywhere from a month to a year. The more emotional investment I put into a relationship, the more time I need to heal when it ends.

senate78
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 04:16 pm: [report]

It’s been 6 months and I’m still not over an 8 yr, live in for 7 yr relationship, we were engaged.
I’m the one who got blindsided with the breakup and what’s worse he’s completely moved on with a brand new girl in 30 days. Must be nice.

SonaliM
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 06:24 pm: [report]

don’t worry too much about him senate78…i know its easy to say….I’m also in a similar state as you.  Its been 9 months for me. the guy got engaged 2 months after the breakup and married a few days after that. And he did that to show me that he can find ‘better’ women! And the woman he married helped him do that and kept posting pics of their romantic dates in social networking sites to show me that they are such a perfect pair and she is so much ‘better’!  Apparently that woman was being maintained by him even while he was with me, for the time when he would need to prove it to me that there are prettier and younger women who make better wives!!!!!
don’t worry about such men….i guess that just shows how little we meant to them…since they were able to replace us so easily.  In my case this was a guy who was all the time i-cant-live-without-you type of romantic…i suppose thats where the saying ‘empty vessels make more noise comes from!

SonaliM
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 08:21 pm: [report]

I guess I’m happy that I didn’t end up being with somebody to whom I meant so little.

cataclysmicdiva
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]

So far for me, in between relationships, the magic number has been 11 months.

medved
wrote on December 1 2009 @ 02:32 pm: [report]

This all depends on what kind of relationship it was and how serious, etc. etc. etc.

I’ve got bad news for many of you, if you really loved her (him) you are not ever going to get over it.  I am perfectly normal in all respects and in regard to all my past relationships except one.  I have been heart-broken for almost 20 years.  I married, had kids, got on with my life, but I have never forgotten her.  She’s in my thoughts every day.  The sound of her name causes real pain.  I love her still, I miss her and I guess I’ll never feel right again.  Nobody else in my past haunts me.  I don’t hold grudges.  I don’t live in the past…I loved her and it didn’t work out and after 20 years I’m guessing this is the way it will be till the end.  Love can be pain…

Steveo82
wrote on December 1 2009 @ 06:52 pm: [report]

I’ve got an ex that I’ve never gotten over, and I’ve had two multi-year relationships since.
Whenever I hear from her my blood boils and we can’t ever agree on anything.
I’m in love with the girl I’m with now and am going to propose this spring, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over my ex, even though I know we are very volatile and won’t work.
Maybe there are some relationships that never fade- even when you’re not “in love” anymore? 
I’ll always miss her, and I’ll always be mad at the thought of her.

ambivalent
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 10:58 am: [report]

A lot of it depends on how much contact one has with their ex. Sometimes the feelings won’t die because the ex is still around for whatever reason. It can be really unhealthy.

nay89
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 07:36 pm: [report]

It really depends on what the relationship contained the reasons it ended. My first boyfriend I dated for 2 years and it took me more than a year to get over, but that was because he started dating someone right after we broke up, and he kept coming back to me for awhile and then that stopped and we tried to remain friends. Another guy I dated for four months, I got over pretty quickly but found out he lied throughout our relationship which later made things more difficult. Another guy I dated for a month but it didn’t work out because he was clearly not over his ex, that took me months to get over the “What ifs” and let go of the fact that it would never happen. Other guys its takes me no time at all. It all depends on how you handle the breakup to, if you are willing to let go right away or you hold on with false hope.

HFGF
wrote on December 5 2009 @ 04:08 pm: [report]

Never, if it is real love. I never forgot my first love. We were separated at age 16 and had no contact until he called me two years ago. We are in our 50’s. Seems he felt the same way all these years. We’ve been together almost a year now and it is better than anything I ever imagined. All of the things I loved about him then are still there, but he is so much more now as an adult. Every day we marvel at how we ended up together.

rotaka
wrote on December 20 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]

My boyfriend and I broke up one month ago after being together for nearly 7 months.  The first week after, it seemed like a big relief.  I thought I was immediately over it, but I was wrong.  The next week, I started balling alot and drunk texted him, but never got an answer back.  I’ve been going out alot, doing everything to stop thinking of him or waiting for his call, but I just can’t stop.  These last few days I have been so very depressed, and have had to stop myself from begging him to get back together several times.  I feel really miserable, like I won’t be able to have such a connection with someone else.

ootie
wrote on December 23 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]

@ rotaka: My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 2 1/2 months ago after being together for 3 years.  I felt the same way, where at first I felt relieved, and then I panicked and got really depressed.  I started forgiving everything he had done wrong in my head and convincing myself that it didn’t really matter, because he was clearly the guy for me. Well, I’m really glad I didn’t cave, because it only took two months and I’m really really happy. I think its normal to go through ups and downs after a breakup, where you regret it sometimes but sometimes you know it was for the best, and some periods of pining don’t necessarily mean you should be together.

lovebug1616
wrote on January 25 2010 @ 05:59 pm: [report]

It definitely depends on the circumstances and where your head is.  I was with a guy for 11 years, married for 5 when we divorced.  I barely shed a tear over him.  But I was with a guy for 6 months and a month and a half later I still find myself welling up when I think about him.  It may be the level of closure you feel with a relationship and how it ended.  With the six month guy I just never really figured out what went wrong.  And us girls are definitely dwellers!!

idonteatblue
wrote on January 25 2010 @ 07:12 pm: [report]

I think it depends on many factors as to how fast you get “over it.”  My last LTR was 2 years and the day we broke up I cried for 30 minutes exactly (okay, give or take a few minutes).  After that I realized I had no feelings, good or bad for this person any longer since I had spent the last year of “us” mourning over the loss of love anyway.  I wonder if I would have cried more had I not been prepared for it to begin with (with LOTS of preparation).  In the past where it wasn’t as obvious (whether I did it or they broke up), I often “moved on” rather quickly but months or years later would still have conflicting feelings toward them (and our relationship).  I do think the relationships where I was the one who broke it off I ended up feeling stupid and wishing I hadn’t in the long run but hind sight is 20/20.