How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Wednesday April 29th 2009
Recently, a woman wrote to Salon columnist Cary Tennis seeking advice about a broken heart she’d been suffering for over 10 years. In 1997, the woman “set free a beautiful man to live the rest of his amazing life,” three years after meeting him on an island in Hawaii, where she works and lives. He was there temporarily and made it clear he’d be leaving eventually to pursue his career and Ph.D. elsewhere. Nevertheless, they forged ahead with a relationship, and she fell very much in love with him. She even got accidentally pregnant — a pregnancy she decided to terminate, but she feels that the experience forever “fused” her to this “amazing” man. Soon after, he left Hawaii, like he always said he would, and now, nearly 12 years later, the woman still cannot get over him. She says that since they are in the same career field and he has a father in Hawaii who “sometimes needs her help” and a brother who visits Hawaii occasionally, she cannot escape him. Why, she can even order a “poster of his partner through the National Geographic bookstore” if she wanted, so obviously, “there is nowhere to hide.”
Cary Tennis responds in his characteristically curious fashion, advising her to meditate on a hill and “take everything down to zero.” I really have no idea what this “down to zero” business means, but I totally agree with his advice to “Let go of what you believe about this. Let go of thinking about it. Let go of your expectations. Let go of what you think people ought to give you as a reward for your suffering.” It reminded me of one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite TV shows, “Six Feet Under.” In one of the final episodes, the father character, coming back in ghost form, tells his son David, who has experienced a lot of loss and trauma in recent years, “You hold onto your pain like it means something. Like it’s worth something. Well let me tell you something. It’s not worth s**t. Let it go. Infinite possibilities and all he can do is whine.”
This woman needs to let go of the idea that her pain means something, that 12 years of heartache is worth some kind of reward, that an aborted pregnancy somehow fused her to a man that she hasn’t spoken to in years. It doesn’t. They may or may not have had a connection. Maybe he’s even thought of her fondly in these past years. Maybe he hasn’t. But none of it matters—because he’s involved with someone else and has done nothing in 12 years to reach out to this women and renew a relationship. He’s not interested ... and it isn’t because he’s dead, it’s because whatever connection she thinks they had wasn’t enough to pull him back to her. She has infinite possibilities, and all she can do is whine about the guy who got away. It makes me wonder how much of her life she’s put on hold to mourn this relationship, hoping it might be enough to bring him back.
So, what advice would you give this woman? How have you gotten over a broken heart in the past? How did you let go of your pain?
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cattgirl813
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]
I think this woman is obsessing over what she wanted this relationship to be - if there even was a relationship. It sounds like she got attached big time and, while he enjoyed being with her, made it clear there was no future. It then sounds like she did everything she could think of, up to an “accidental” pregnancy in an attempt to make something fleeting permanent. It also sounds like she’s kind of stalking. She can find a poster of his partner on the National Geographic website, so “there’s nowhere to hide”? Please. She needs to let go, and she also needs to figure out why she’s clinging to the memory of a one-sided relationship some 12 years after everything came to a close. She can’t do this on her own. I think she should walk down that hill where the advice columnist tells her to zero things out (whatever that means) and right into counselor or therapist’s office to find out what it is in her that keeps her longing for what never was. She shouldn’t try to date or get involved with anyone else until she’s able to find out the root of the problem. She should also stop cyberstalking and shadowing her ex. That’s not going to draw them closer - especially since he’s been married and not anywhere close to getting in contact with her in over a decade. I might be overthinking this, but this does not sound healthy at all to me.
Little Lamb
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]
How I let go: beer, friends, and lots of angry break-up songs.
retro chic
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]
She’s hiding from her own life; this other stuff is noise and diversion. Like Catt said, she needs to go to the root. That’s it.
gillybeans
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 10:30 am: [report]
My favorite line for scenarios like this was cribbed from the original Wayne’s World: “Get over it, go out with someone else.” Insensitive? Maybe. But 12 years? What a waste of time.
aminata
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
Right on Cattgirl. I had situation similar to what this woman is going through. I thought I was still in love with someone, but when I decided to get to the root of the issue, I found that I wasn’t heartbroken over the guy at all. I was sad over a traumatic incident that happened while I was with that guy and ultimately broke us up. I had to deal with my issue from the trauma, then I realized I didn’t love that guy at all. I was just missing the FEELING of a real love connection. Once I was able to admit that to myself, I let go of the crutch of having a broken heart. I say crutch because allowing your heart to stay broken is convenient way of distancing oneself from connecting with the people who are around at present. As soon as I healed myself, I found real love almost instantaneously. It was ironic how real love showed up as soon as I let go of the imaginary, idealized, one sided love. I hope she can do that for herself. I think this woman may even be traumatized by her abortion and what it symbolized, the termination of a potential family. It sounds like she is longing that and is a bit jealous that this man went on and created a family with someone else. She needs to heal herself, admit what she wants in life and goes out there to get it.
rsonnack
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]
I agree with you cattgirl, she’s holding on to the potential of what the relationship COULD have been. Chances are if they’d stayed together they might not still be together. It was just the romance and the excitement of a temporary fling that she’s glorifying it in her mind. This is why it’s a bad idea to get involved with someone who’s going away…
wildwildwest
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
I drink too much champagne, cry for a bit, wallow and then get in the shower one morning and tell myself to get the hell over and on with it because no one else will do it for me. Sad for her because I’m sure she has missed out on so much.
wawmama
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]
I make list, lots and lots of list, what annoyed me, things I get to do, what I learned from it, what I need to work on….until I’m better.
cattgirl813
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 11:14 am: [report]
I sure hope she’s able to move on. I’m not much of a drinker, so it’s a few days of solitude, chocolate, some sad songs, maybe some tears, and then I get up and get going again. You can only be as sad as you allow yourself to be.
joyy
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]
I made a “things my ex did that I will never tolerate in a relationship again and shouldn’t have tolerated in the first place” list. I had started to get over him a bit before the list, but after I finished it, I just felt *so* much better about the decision - and about myself and all the terrible things I could choose to exclude from my life (for the most part).
That and I broke up with him a few weeks before moving back to school for a new semester in a new apt, so I was able to keep myself busy and meet lots of new people to keep me from just dwelling on it.
cattgirl813
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 11:26 am: [report]
@rsonnack: Some folks can have get involved with a partner who’s not going to be around for long. The key is to be willing to accept things for the way they are and not try and go for the fairy tale ending. It’s hard to do, but it’s possible if you have the right mindset. I don’t think this lady was there.
@aminata: Glad you were able to move on. It’s not easy to recover from hurt, but nothing easy is worth having. I just got past a big heartbreak myself. I got divorced for the second time last year after finding out my ex had been seeing another woman the entire time we were together - dating, engagement, and marriage. He had even proposed to her - set a date for sometime in 2010 and everything. After the divorce was final, I took some time to myself to heal. No dating, but no looking back or wallowing in self pity either. After a couple of months, I went on a couple of dates but would not get into everything serious. It’s now been a year since everything ended and I’m back to myself again. The hardest part was cutting contact with his mother - she was a very sweet woman and I was very fond of her, but I felt as though keeping in touch with her would in a way be keeping that hurt alive or sending a signal to him that there was a chance for reconcilation. Like I said, the whole experience hurt but it’s made me a better person. I do hope the woman in this letter allows herself to become better too. She deserves it, but she also has to want to be better.
theattack
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 11:36 am: [report]
I feel like I missed something about this story. Someone said he was married, and that it was a one-sided relationship. I didn’t gather that from this article, but I might have missed something.
Twelve years is a long time, but abortions are also very difficult things to go through. I had an abortion about a year and a half ago with a man I love(d) that fits every quality for a man I could really dream of. The abortion itself tore our relationship apart because it was just so difficult to go through, and I still believe that we would be fantastic for each other, but I started associating our relationship with that very difficult time, which made it impossible to continue being with him. After the initial trauma was over though, I realized that getting over that was going to be a process that would probably last several years, and though we both still love each other, it would be very difficult to be with him again for a while.
The thing about this situation is that the abortion itself is very traumatic, and it takes a long process to heal through. It’s reasonable that she’s going to become attached to a man that she had an abortion with. It seems excessive if she’s holding herself back from enjoying her life as it is, but I don’t think many people realize that having an abortion is not an easy way out.
I think it could help her if she sought out counseling for post-abortion stress. She probably needs to let go of that before she lets go of him.
@cattgirl:
What makes you think her pregnancy was not actually an accident? That’s a very huge and major accusation.
missduplicity
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
How cynical, Wendy.
I have to say that I disagree with you about the significance of the connection this woman felt with her former lover. Just because this connection didn’t turn their relationship into something out of a Nicholas Sparks novel, doesn’t mean it wasn’t real, or wasn’t as moving or important as she felt it could have been.
The problem that seemed to arise from this situation, and what she needs to essentially “get over” and forgive herself for, is her failure to act on the very real spark she felt between herself and this other person.
If life has continued to put this man in her path for 12 straight years, and she has done nothing to put herself into his, then she has failed fate, and ultimately, she has failed herself. We are not damsels in distress anymore, ladies. If life gives you a lemon, damn it, you squeeze the juice dry. This woman has been given enough lemons to own a majority stock at Country Time, and she’s done nothing with them.
I think that fate and soulful connections are very, very real. But, life isn’t like the movies, and it isn’t always the woman who should be waiting for a man to come and sweep her off her feet. Sometimes, we have to do the sweeping on our own.
theattack
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
Right on, missduplicity. I completely agree with you.
Amelia
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]
Therapy. The End.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:14 pm: [report]
Drogos. Fin.
Rusty
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
@ Missduplicity & theattack
You’re both right. It just sounded like a case of fate/oppotunity knocking loudly to her. It took me a long time to realize that things just don’t magically happen. You have to go out and actually make them happen. And that means you have to hear the sound opportunity knocking. Otherwise you’ll be stricken with the nagging question of “What if…” I sorry she has to go through it. It’s an awful experience.
cattgirl813
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
@theattack: I don’t know if her pregnancy was an accident or not. I was trying to follow the quotes in the piece, but going back to look it seems I missed where they were. My bad. (Folks, don’t type and scroll at the same time.) I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming that it was. I’d hate to think there was a pregnancy to keep the guy with her - especially since it was terminated. Still, there’s always the possibility that the accident was an “accident.” Let’s hope that didn’t happen here, because that’s just more self inflicted hurt and heartbreak for both her and him. No matter the case, it’s a very sad situation and she needs to heal.
cattgirl813
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]
@theattack: Forgot to mention this, but she also indicated that the pregnancy and the abortion “fused” her to this man - who soon after left as he told her he would. To me, this is all the more reason she needs to skip the “zero” stuff and get to a therapist. I’d bet she’s not only mourning what she thought existed between them but didn’t, but she’s got some regret or unresolved emotions around that abortion too. She sounds like she’s in a lot of pain, but 12 years is a long time to hurt without trying to get past it.
theattack
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]
cattgirl:
Haha, It’s so funny how the placement of punctuation completely changes that sentence. I’m glad to hear that that’s not what you meant.
theattack
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
I think getting over something this complex will have multiple facets to it. There’s not really one answer that will solve it all. It’s going to take her to get to “zero” and to get to a therapist, and to get out and get with other people - both friends and dates.
I agree with missduplicity that if she still feels she should be with him, she needs to do something about it herself and not expect him to chase after her. Maybe he wanted her to go with him? Just a thought.
missduplicity
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
@theattack
I agree. Ultimately, I think it was fear that turned this woman’s romance into some creepy stalker tabloid fodder. That, and the fear of her former lover, who, it seems to me, may have used distance (and his time-frame in Hawaii) as a way to keep true love at arm’s length. Maybe he was emotionally damaged and unable to articulate or handle that kind of raw emotion that the connection inspired.
Maybe he went back to his home kicking himself for being so ill-prepared and bumbling. Maybe he thought that she deserved better, and that he blew it, so he decided to put it out of his mind as much for her sake as his. Maybe he was waiting to discover that she was still willing to be with him, and because she never reached out…he was forced to move on.
The bottom line is, we, as humans, have an infinite amount of agency that we waste in the name of fear and social order. Both of the people in this relationship wasted 12 years without acting on what could have been the greatest relationship of their lives. And now it has become utterly stagnant.
I can at least agree with Wendy that, if you’re not going to DO something about the seemingly unrequited relationship you’re in, then move past it and forgive yourself for not being brave enough. Or, just..get brave.
cattgirl813
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]
@theattack: So much communication gets lost when you’re typing. Someday, they’ll invent keys where you can hear the intent behind the word. On my computer, the sarcasm key would get worn out if they ever invented it.
missduplicity
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
@cattgirl
Mine would have a “Pimp Hand” key. It would be strong…
cattgirl813
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
@missduplicity: Ooh, I want that one too!
killahTRAMP
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
False sense of intimacy. End of story. =/
Hopefully she can get up and get over it and live HER life, not dwell on what it could of/ would of/ might have been.
chelcpink
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 03:46 pm: [report]
@aminata:“I was just missing the FEELING of a real love connection. Once I was able to admit that to myself, I let go of the crutch of having a broken heart. I say crutch because allowing your heart to stay broken is convenient way of distancing oneself from connecting with the people who are around at present.” That is like dead on for what I am going through right now. Reading about “the crutch” completely opened my eyes to what I am doing right now. I’m like addicted to being broken hearted, I went from playing the role of so-and-so’s gf to being the broken heart girl. I just saw a therapist for the first time since my break-up 8 months ago; I’m still not over it and decided I needed a professional to help me get him out of my brain and my heart once and for all. She said the same thing you did, it’s not about the guy, it’s about something much deeper. The guy/relationship is only a tool for bringing out a hidden issue that needs to be resolved. Like Amelia said, THERAPY! it will save you!
Sweet Andrea
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 05:08 pm: [report]
and I thought I was insane…
theoldman
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 07:09 pm: [report]
I have a fundamental problem with why she is still enamored with someone who scores 0 for ethics. When I went to SE Asia we knew we were going to be there a finite 13 months 2 weeks and 5 days DEROS (Date of Estimated Return tO Stateside)just like this ass unless you went native and extended. As a section commander, I had the job of making sure my guys didn’t exploit the local girls with false hopes and promises and get them to shack up, get them pregnant, and leave mixed race kids behind. Talk about crapping on those you leave behind. I had exactly 1 MAN out of 150+ boys who had enough respect for his girl and did the honorable thing to get through the 3 months of BS to take her home with him.
Why is she still pining for someone who exploited her? She needs to face the truth here, I know it is difficult to admit we have been cheated and exploited. But she needs to get help and move on. This guy never had any respect for her, she doesn’t need him in her life. Otherwise when opportunity knocks (who knows how many times it has come and gone already) she will still be so screwed up with the baggage from this that even a saint couldn’t deal with her emotional debris. She needs some tough love.
roastchicken
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 07:18 pm: [report]
How do you heal a broken heart? Two words:
Retail Therapy.
retro chic
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 07:59 pm: [report]
Hers is a severe case of Bad Timing and preexisting issues. You hear so much about these star-crossed, unrequited stories. The fact that it hasn’t worked out by now, means it wasn’t meant to. Not for any cosmic reasons, but for the best reason—timing. Timing also includes not *being* the right person at the right time. Even the right people at the wrong time can blow it, no matter how many times it reorbits.
The problem is what to do about a has-been fantasy. She’s avoiding life, hiding behind a phantom pain at this point. She needs to shake the fairy dust out, click her heels and get help if she has any expectation for happiness if she wants to make it out of her middle years alive—she’s no little girl. I’m with Amelia and theoldman on this one, and as I’ve posted earlier.
julychild
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 09:22 pm: [report]
I really feel sorry for this woman. One of the hardest things in the world is to let go of someone you love and to accept that they do not love you back.
Our culture teaches us to believe that love is enough to keep two people together, but it’s not. Love is not enough. So many other factors play a part in whether a couple stays together or not—factors like location, life goals, values, living habits, lifestyle choices, and ideas about family, marriage, religion, sex.
That said, love is, of course, a very powerful thing. It’s powerful enough to keep someone attached long after the other person has gone and it’s powerful enough to keep hope alive that, someday, the beloved person will return.
It sounds like this woman was in love with the idea/memory of this man more than anything else. Memories are probably the most dangerous thing of all. When someone you love exits your life, all you have to feed on after that is the memory of them. It’s so easy to slip into reverie and forget that those images are in the past. Also, memories are static. When you focus too much on the memory of someone as they were in the past, it’s easy to overlook the fact that that person, wherever he or she may be now, has and is changing.
But the fantastic thing is that you, too, have the power to change. Maybe it’s impossible to “get over” love. But I think it is possible to evolve past it.
Tamara
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 10:45 pm: [report]
I think it’s easier to hide behind what got away rather than face up to having to start a new with someone else. I highly doubt she has had another relationship after that, probably because it could not compare to the one she had built up in her mind from this supposedly star crossed love. Letting go and admitting to herself that he’s not coming back, and accepting that is the only way she’s going to get over it.
I’m going through something like that right now, it’s been a month and the wounds are just starting to heal. I truly think in my heart he’s the one, but I’m to a point now where I’m okay with my life moving on. Do I still love him? Yes. Would I jump at a chance to be with him again? Yes. Is my life on hold in hopes that it will happen? No. I think that if something is meant to be, it’ll happen, but life does not stop because of hope. Life goes on, love goes on and wallowing in heartache and misery won’t make anything better.
I’m taking a vacation to New Orleans in a week and while I’m there I’m going to have fun and let go. This woman should do the same thing, go somewhere else and clear her head, while seeking some sort of counseling because holding on for 12 years means there’s a hefty amount of issues she has yet to deal with. This guy she’s pining for was up front that he was leaving, but he forged on with her and they both assumed different things. There’s not much to go on, but it doesn’t seem to be that he gave her the impression that he planned to change his mind. This reminds me of the women who think they can change a man who has problems with love, that maybe they’re different than the other gaggle of girls who have come before them. She thought that she could make him stay, it didn’t work and she’s the one left with her life on pause while he’s moved on.
cattgirl813
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
@julychild and theoldman: Excellent points. (Standing to applaud your advice.)
aminata
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]
Also I think there is a lesson to be learned in this situation about boundaries. I’m just learning about them myself so I’m going out on a limb here.
Ok, I’m not blaming this woman for her situation yet, I feel like this woman should have taken what the guy said at face value and protected herself.
@theoldman I disagree with about how the man “exploited” this woman. He was very honest with her about his situation from the beginning. She says he was “clear” about pursuing his career “elsewhere” in “three months.” Then she “accidentally” got pregnant. Hmmm. Fishy.
Um, there was birth control in 1997. That’s what you use when a guy tells you in so many polite words that they only want a fling, which is what this guy did. I hate to say it because I love women so much, but it sounds like this woman was trying to trap this guy. On the real. It seems that this woman should have been honest with herself about if she wanted to settle for a fling or hold out for the real thing- a life long commitment. This is probably the source of her pain. As we say on the street, she played herself. I know that may sound harsh, but I’m learning we women need to respect ourselves and give guys distance when they aren’t offering exactly what we want,like a family and a long term relationship. Yes, hold out no matter how cute they are or how much potential they have or how nice they are. If they just want a fling, why bother? We can’t just go with the flow, let them have sex with us and expect them to change their minds at the end of it. That’s twisted. And we can’t convince them or demand that they change. That’s manipulation. Stand up for yourself in the beginning, so you don’t have problems at the end!
@Tamara Have fun in my hometown ! Don’t leave without pralines and getting beignets at Cafe Du Monde!
theattack
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
@aminata:
I agree that she maybe should have been more careful with her heart, but I don’t think it’s fair to her to say that she tried to trap him. Accidents happen despite birth control, and some women can’t take it or can’t afford it. Regardless, birth control does fail. If she were trying to trap him, she would have gone through with the pregnancy.
As for her heart, you can’t help who you fall in love with. Maybe she knew it was a bad idea, but he was there for three years. That’s almost like not falling in love during college because he’ll be gone afterward. Yes, there are risks, but things change, and you can’t just ignore the fact that you love someone for three years. And who knows what the circumstances of their love was when he was with her? They have the same career field, so she probably saw him a lot and couldn’t help falling in love with him.
bogart4017
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
A pity party can only last so long. Its time to send your guests home, clean house and go on about your business. There is a whole world out there beyond the front door. Find it.
theoldman
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 05:27 pm: [report]
@ aminita I am more harsh because he obviously had to see where she was headed. PHD candidate, he isn’t blind or stupid. The fact that he has family on the island puts the possibility of return in the picture in her mind. He obviously by either a sin of commission or omission gave her hope. Sounds like he is a charter member of the 4-F Club. Find’em, fool’em, f***‘em, and forget them. This is just me being male and knowing how the 20 something male mind works. I had a 150 of them that I was responsible for.
Not that I don’t have issues with the “entrapment” of the pregnancy. But I happen to think that women I date should be treated the way I want to be treated. He didn’t do that(ok he flunks my moral code). If you are going to play, you had better be ready to pay and it better be someone you are proud to say is the mother of your child. Kids are the innocent by standers in this crud one way or another. We don’t know the two personality types but Briggs Meyers ENTP are wired to be victims in this setup.
I am not being a prude because I lived in sin without the benefit of matrimony for 10+ years. But one night stands and FWB aren’t as satisfying but I am not a 20 year old Imortal.
Your generation calls it dating without drama, I call it doing the right thing.
KHilton152
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 07:42 pm: [report]
I agree with a lot of what Tamara said.
I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been in love with the same guy for 6 years and we were never together in any way. I’m still crazy about him but it just doesn’t look like it’s going to happen and I just recently made my peace with that fact a few months ago. I dated someone else for 4 of those 6 years and that turned out to be a huge mistake. The man I was with fell pretty hard for me and the entire time I was still thinking about someone else. I have a lot of guilt over that and I would not recommend this women start seeing someone until she has faced the realities of her situation.
I feel that this man I’ve been in love with is The One and I feel that it was meant to happen but I’ve wasted enough time waiting around for it and I’m too young to keep that up.
I wish I could say someday she’ll snap out of it but 12 years is double the time I’ve been in this situation so she might benefit from some therapy.
It’s really hard to feel this sort of constant pain/hope/guilt and I hope she gets through it OK.
the witching well
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]
Look, women—it’s wonderful to be capable of lovely feelings, even your saddest ones. That you have such feelings says wonderful things about you: that you’re a kind person, a good person, a thoughtful caring woman, and a functional adult connected to precious feelings of love. You should feel proud of yourself for not being shallow! Pat yourself on the back to remind yourself that you are an EXCELLENT human being who completely deserves to be appreciated for all the love and loyalty and fine character and deep reserves you offer friends, lovers, and possible future children.
That said—let’s take a look at what’s really going on here: Are you telling me that you MISS someone who’s NOT HERE? Not right there next to you, realizing and knowing and honoring with their time and place of RIGHT NOW the wonderful person you are?
You’re telling me that you miss someone who let YOU go? Who had priorities that had nothing to do with you, because your lover compartmentalizes their head into a selfish-oriented MAP of their life where you are NOT Number 1? In fact, since this person is NOT next to you, nor has been—you’re not even CLOSE to being Number 1!
Can you REALLY miss a person who would treat you so shabbily, be so self-centered in their decisions, be so immature in their outlook that they are slaves to their life plan which they CANNOT change either because they’re cowardly or because they lack the maturity to deal with the reality of YOU?
If someone falls into a relationship with you, is lucky enough to meet you, and then blows it by treating you like a temporary chicken nugget, are you absolutely SURE that you’re missing this REAL person out there?
Or are you giving yourself a brain jam over the fact that your own hopes got raised up? Did you think that you’d FINALLY met the right person to match you in real life? Were you thrilled to think that you finally could leave the rat race of dating behind because you’d found a treasured friend and lover to build a life with?
Your dream date—the one who left—is NOT that dream image. The perfect man you miss is in your own head, and the fact that it was not real is what is really tormenting you. The ideal is NOT Mr. Temporary, who was happy enough to make you a convenience in his life, but not mature enough to build a life with you being there.
Realize that this “perfect man” was in reality close - but no cigar. But it does prove that you were on the right track, and that you ARE out there looking, so take heart! You haven’t missed out! Life is long, and you’re still hanging in there, and you deserve a break today in the real world. Great matchups are hard to find. Especially today, when people act like love is not really that important for a lifetime. Too many people think harder about their career and their money than they care about who they end up with for X time period.
I can’t figure out what’s so hot about money or career—other than buying things, and staying very busy—that would substitute for really building a home and life together. My grandparents were happy together for over 50 years. And do you know how they did it? THEY DIDN’T TAKE OFF AND LEAVE, for one thing. They didn’t bale out when they wanted something. They spent time together, they always helped each other, they were loyal, they were friends to each other, they treated each other with honor and honesty, and—THEY WERE THERE FOR EACH OTHER. Not gone, not far away, not blown off, not superficial.
My grandparents weren’t trendy. But they had each other to count on and to rely on. They were gutsy.
That’s what you need, chickie. Some guy with staying power. Not some guy who threw you away like a Kleenex when you got in the way of his career. That’s the reality of what you had. BUT - you still have a beautiful dream in your heart that is worth something, just as you are wonderful and precious and worth something.
You don’t need to run around seeking heartache from Mr. Wrongs, you need to go out there and use all you’ve learned to seek out Mr. Right. You didn’t lose Mr. Right. You just haven’t met him yet. So get going. Good luck!
portisheart
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 05:54 pm: [report]
ahhh this woman is what I’m afraid of becoming. 12 years- wow. I just broke up two months ago with my very serious boyfriend. I keep thinking there is still a possibility but I’ve needed to focus on my own life.
Six feet under is right. Holding on to pain gets me no where.