Happies vs. Crappies: Why Some Single Women Just Need To Shut Up, Get Over It, And Get On With It
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
8:30AM, Monday March 30th 2009
In a recent column on the Huffington Post, “Why I’m Single,” writer Lea Lane lists all the reasons that she’s still single. Why? So she can send the URL to all the nosy, possibly well-meaning busy-bodies who keep asking her why she isn’t in a relationship.
Lane presents a persuasive case; it almost made me wish for the days I, too, had the whole bed to myself. She’s one of what I’ll call the “Happies,” women who are perfectly content with their single status. They don’t want for a companion; they love their solitude and have enough friends, hobbies, and passions to keep themselves busy. Although, most Happies, like Lane, are “open to options, and do understand the beauty and wonder—and blessing—of a good relationship,” they neither actively seek one nor passively hope and pray one comes their way. The Happies say they don’t need a relationship to be content, and, by God, they mean it.
On the other side of the single lady spectrum, you’ve got the “Crappies.” They’re the single ladies with really crappy attitudes. Take, for example, Jezebel’s Megan Carpentier, who responded to Lane’s column with a list of her own, a list that not only doesn’t make me a little nostalgic for my single days, it makes me sort of, well, sad – for her.
I’m sad for the Crappies, because, as much as they say, like Megan, “I’ve made my peace with being single because I don’t have to pretend I don’t drink from the carton or sleep with one of those face masks on or watch ‘Murder She Wrote’ too late at night,” they’re whining to everyone who will listen about how much it sucks that they can’t find a guy who wants to date them. They’re so committed to not compromising, to not being flexible, to not stepping a centimeter outside their comfort zone, or, God forbid, turning off their guilty pleasure TV, they refuse to actually GO OUT, mingle, maybe even meet someone nice. No, they’d rather stay in, whine, and have their friends write testimonials on their blogs about why they’d be so great to date.
In an attempt to hide their loneliness from themselves – because they’re sure not hiding it from anyone else—the Crappies adopt an air of self-righteousness. “I’m probably alone because I dated when I wanted to,” they tell themselves, “and got into relationships when I wanted to, and got out of them when I needed to.” As if people who aren’t alone are a bunch of morons who got stuck in bad relationships that they never wanted to be in and don’t have the strength to get out of. “I’m alone because I eschewed goal-oriented dating and ‘trying to find someone,’” they brag. Because, wow, there’s nothing worse than actually being pro-active, particularly when the goal is happiness. That kind of stuff is for losers! That kind of stuff is for self-hating women who subscribe to The Rules! Except it isn’t.
Ladies, if you’re single and truly happy to be so, more power to you! There’s no reason in the world you need to make a list or explain to anyone why you’re not in a relationship. But if you’re a woman who is unhappily single and would love nothing more than having someone to share your life with, it’s time to quit whining, stop making self-righteous excuses, turn off your TV, get out there, and meet people. There’s no shame in being goal-oriented and dating with purpose. There’s no shame in opening your mind, being flexible, and learning to compromise. Spread the word you’re on the market, tell your friends, tell your friends of friends, let your co-workers, family, and entire social network know you’re looking for dates. Take care of yourself, dress well, look good every time you go outside. Smile at people when you’re out and about, make small talk in check-out lines, keep your radar up at all times. You never know when the right person for you will be rounding the next corner.
But bear in mind, YOU aren’t perfect, and there’s not going to be a perfect person for you. If you refuse to settle for anything less, you’re going to be lonely for a very, very long time. If you aren’t prepared to open your mind a little, you might as well stay in with your “Murder She Wrote” and your crappy attitude. But, for the love of God, quit your whining. The rest of us don’t want to hear it anymore.
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becktasm
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 09:21 am: [report]
It’s one thing to speak about bitter singles abstractly, but deliberately attacking Megan seems just mean. I thought that article was sweet and fun, and when I read it upon its original posting I didn’t find it abrasive or bitter at all.
toricore
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 09:31 am: [report]
I agree with Becktasm. I find this article to be a grotesque overreaction. How would you feel if one of the “happies” posted about how her coupled friends need to stop whining to her about their relationships? (Because trust me, we deal with that as much - if not more - than coupled people hear us whine about being single.)
Additionally, just because you feel single people don’t need to justify their singleness doesn’t mean that our friends and families feel the same way. (In fact, I had to have a talk with a coupled friend just last week about how she needs to stop projecting her life goals - marriage and children - onto me.)
Blonde Bomber
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
I think that there is a “perfect someone” out there for everyone. Probably a lot of “perfect somebodies”. To think otherwise we might as well give up and just stay single.
retro chic
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]
Well, well, well. Pot and kettle, I’d say. I think both seemingly opposing points of view are only separated by the divide in the same King-sized bed of memory. How long ago was it before the newly-engaged staunchly made the same list… or the established single the wiser beneficiary of their former mated experiences? Each stage informs the other, nurturing the discovery process, goal-oriented or not. Everyone should stop judging. Glad to hear you both are Soooo Happy!
hawaiianpeach
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
Frisky fun times and dating is what I miss from the single days. I am happy now in a committed relationship but I do miss the mind games (sadist,I know) of wondering if a guy will call or if he likes me, ect. My grandmother just passed away and since my boyfriend is overseas now she never got to meet him. She was always saying ‘girl when are you gonna get married you aren’t getting younger’ I would just roll my eyes slightly burned by the feeling of being inadequate. The irony is that now that there is someone special for her to meet she is gone. But all the other times alone I enjoyed not having to answer to anyone, just saying goodbye to peach trees in Georgia to move to Hawaii for a semester, and going on dates with two different guys in the same work week (not always but sometimes). The times when I was so-called alone I had my friends to compare notes with,myself to inspire and motivate, and thankfulness of solitude when my friends with boyfriends would bitch about giving too much and getting too little. I loved the single life,for the most part. The world is full of oysters so you make a pearl necklace and have a good time.
Mackenzie
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 04:39 pm: [report]
I completely agree with the first two posters—this came off extremely harsh and as a huge overreaction. I’m not excited about being single, but I resent being told that I’m just being lazy and whiny and not trying to find someone.
develange
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 05:13 pm: [report]
Singledom can suck. A lot. after so many failed relationships and awkward dates, I’d be whining and sitting in my house too (and I have). You can put yourself out there, talk to strangers, be optimistic, and STILL not meet anyone you click with, let alone are attracted to. I’m in a relationship now, but I do miss the unpredictability and excitement of the single life.
I’d really like to meet one of these women who is totally happy and content being single…what human doesn’t want romantic/sexual companionship? Unless you’re assexual.
DancerNinja
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 11:18 pm: [report]
I think both posts sounded kind of… defensive. It’s hard not to be when you have people pestering you, sure. Why am I single? I say, well, it’ll happen when it happens and in the mean time I’m living of my best life. I may have “botched” a recent date when he asked if I was looking to settle down, start a family and I said “no”. But hey, you gotta laugh!
Kate Torgovnick
wrote on March 31 2009 @ 09:35 am: [report]
Hey Wendy.
I gotta say I’m pretty grossed out by this post. Most single women are single because…(gasp)...they just haven’t found an amazing relationship that works for them yet. I don’t think it’s cool to assume that all single women must be doing something wrong. And I think it’s downright dangerous to equate being in a relationship with happiness.
I’m single and have been, on and off, for several years. I’m somewhere in between your definitions of Happy and Crappy. I’m totally cool on my own, and lead a great life filled with fun and friends. But am I happy not to have a significant other? Heck no. I would love to meet a great guy that I click with. And from my group of single lady friends, none of us are at home crying into our pillows while we watch Grey’s Anatomy as you seem to imagine. We’re out almost every night—going to parties, shows, art events, you name it. We talk to people, get phone numbers, meet people online.
What I think bugs me most about this post is that you really seem to feel superior to single woman. Hate to be the one to break it to you, but being engaged doesn’t mean you have life any more or less figured out. People’s lives go in very different courses, down very different paths, and I don’t think you should judge anyone for theirs.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on March 31 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
Hi, Kate.
Nowhere in this post did I say anything about single ladies doing anything wrong. I certainly didn’t imply that everyone in a relationship is happy, and frankly, I’m pretty “grossed out” by your assumption that I think I have it all figured out because I’m engaged or that I think single gals are at home crying into their pillows while watching Grey’s Anatomy. Your reply smacks of the same kind of self-righteous over-defensiveness that the original post I was responding to does. Really, really lame.
stephoney22
wrote on March 31 2009 @ 10:45 am: [report]
Wendy, THANK YOU!!! Single women, get out there! Even if you only meet other women, chances are good you’ll find some awesome people to hang with and learn from. I would send this to my bitter friend but she’d bitch me out. Homegirl NEVER goes out - ANYWHERE. Seriously, I don’t even know the last time she went to the grocery store. I’m connected, I admit, but six months ago I was single and happy as a clam. And I met my man because I GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE. MORE THAN ONCE. She admits to being too involved in her job, and I understand, but she’s blaming the city we live in on her lack of a life. Survey says NO. When you don’t go anywhere but work and your apt, you CANNOT blame it on the city. Being single is FINE, but NOT if you’re so negative.
LoveLSU2007
wrote on April 25 2009 @ 09:39 am: [report]
I had to laugh a little bit about this thread and the two articles it refers to. I’m now 52 and divorced. And everything I hear people worry about usually never comes true. Will I marry again? Don’t know…but, I’m NOT joining the angry-bitter-women’s row as my male friends call it. And trust me they can spot one a long way off. I’m back in college in another state and even at 52, the guys are interested. (no, the younger ones aren’t asking me out, but, you can tell by the way they treat me they find me attractive) It is ALL a matter of attitude….unless you weigh over 200 pounds and then your weight IS an issue with them. My daughter and her college friends describe a guy or girl as “totally unfortunate” or “totally fortunate” in the looks department. She says I’m totally fortunate, but, even more she says it is my confidence that attracts men. I establish things at the beginning: no official date yet..let me find out if I’d like to have you as a friend first, no premarital relations…boy, does that weed out the players, and, yet, the ones who remain respect me and treat me great knowing that I haven’t been “had” by so many. As my parents said, “if you wanted to be treated with standards, you have to have some first”. I’m dating some powerful and prestigious guys and I’m not impressed. What impresses me is: reliability, dependability, kindness, and intelligent, and being attracted to them physically. Even though I’ve been dating an elected official for 16 months, I expect him to give me some advance notice when he wants to get together as I am busy, too. It’s not to be rude, it’s just I do have my own life & when I invite him to something, I ask him in advance notice, too. I think our parents called it: manners. I recently met an incredibly attractive man at the Capitol, we saw each other frequently both at work and out of work and on the phone (him pursuing me). He said he would call when he came back in town. I had to call him on business and guess what? He had been in town for 4 days. Well, I politely mentioned his “I’ll call you when I’m back in town” comment & he tried to give me the “I’ve been really busy” comment. I politely told me my grandfather said that everyone has the SAME 24 hours as everyone else & that it just a brush off. Futher, he is a political consultant and I am friends with a great deal of the legislature. In fact, I got him in to see someone whose aide had been turning him down due to her boss’s schedule. He agreed to see him because of me. Well, now the legislator knows what he did (I wanted to know if he thought I had been unreasonable) and, he says he will think about that next time he is trying to squeeze people in. The jist of all that? A lack of manners. And validation for ME that my rule of being just friends and no kissing or sexual activity of any type benefits me.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. LOL To the man’s benefit, he apologized to me & the next day I had a 2nd apology in my email box. Men will live UP or DOWN to your expectations of them. The End.
BlueVibe
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
Where does this assumption come from that single women don’t ever go anywhere? I go out plenty—or as much as I can around a full-time job, a nasty commute [because I am a single-income household and cannot afford to live closer to work, nor find as good a job closer to home], and a limited income—and it’s not like I don’t have enough friends. I just haven’t found “him”.
Being single won’t kill me. I’m good at it. I don’t whine about it to everyone and I’m sure not desperate enough to something foolish to remedy it.
So, coupled women, do us singles a favor and stop harping at us to “get out there.” I’m OUT there. I’m as out there as I can afford to be.
I don’t think anyone should have to justify being single OR being un-single, but quit making assumptions about how I spend my time and what I’m doing wrong.
Symian
wrote on July 25 2009 @ 12:48 am: [report]
I agree that single women can be whiners, but they aren’t nearly as annoying as women who are newly engaged. Sure, women lament the lonely nights at home and dinner for one, but at least they don’t shove a ring in your face and ask you to wear an ugly dress… that is, until they find a man of their own.
StaceyJenn
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 06:39 am: [report]
Thank you soooo much for this article! I feel exactly the same way, and am not surprised at the women commenting who feel you were being too harsh. I’ve found many women are unable to truthfully look at themselves and their behaviour, and wind up projecting their insecurities and general negative attitude onto others. I can’t tell you how many times my closest friends would badger me about a “friend” they wanted me to meet. Or how many times acquaintances would tell me I need to dress or act a certain way in order to “land” a man, never stopping to consider I was in school, working full time, and completely uninterested in being in a relationship. I was interested in learning about life, educating myself, and striving for a great career. When I was ready, I met a great man, fell in love, and got married. But I still harbor resentment at all the friends who continuously ignored my requests to remain single, and who constantly badgered me about ” finding a man before it’s too late”. While I know they meant well, that line of thinking is absurd.
Lauren Fritsky
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
As someone who wrote a post here a few weeks ago about being newly single, what I don’t understand about this entire “argument” is why people don’t view being single as a stage in life. It seems there’s an air of permanency in the article Wendy talked about: you are either single or in a relationship, and that’s how you’ll be forever.
If you are single and you get to a point where you’re not happy being that way, have faith that you can go out and find someone. I think that’s what Wendy’s saying about the single women who whine when she says “turn off the TV and get out there.” Love sometimes comes to you, but sometimes you also have to seek it.
married guy laughing
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]
A few words of advice for you ladies:
If you’re critical of the post, you are probably a Crappy. And Crappies are EXTREMELY unattractive to men. Think, Crappies: do you like needy, clingy men? A Crappy is the female version of a needy guy. A Crappy wants the relationship as much as, or more, than the actual guy. Not a good situation for a guy.
Second, even if a Crappy does manage to get into a relationship, the relationship is doomed from the start, because a Crappy cannot be alone-willingly, that is. A Crappy cannot be alone because she is unhappy with herself. Whether you’re a male or female, you simply cannot be happy in a relationship unless you’re happy being alone, with yourself. So why bother?
So, ladies-and men, work on being happy. The doors that will open then for you will blow your mind.
lisajean
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
I mostly agree, I think we’ve all known someone like that who blames her insecurities and unwillingness to unbend a little on the “crap” men available. Yes, some men are crappy and you shouldn’t settle… but if all you’re finding is crap men… you’re going about it the wrong way! There ARE good men out there still.
I also hate how some believe I cannot possibly relate because I’m in a satisfying committed relationship. Umm, hello! Most women who are satisfied in their relationship spent time in the exact same single (and sometimes lonely) position! But with time, searching and a bit of luck, I’ve managed to snare a wonderful man who makes me happy. And if any lady so desires, she can do so too!