Handle This: Seven Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship
Posted by: Chelsea Kaplan
Filed in:
relationships
9:15AM, Wednesday September 10th 2008
Are you starting to wonder if whoever coined the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” was ever involved in a long-distance relationship? The truth is, when many miles separate you and your honey, keeping your connection strong is tough regardless of your fondness for each other. By establishing a few ground rules and engaging in creative methods of communication, however, you can make a long-distance relationship thrive, says DeAnna Lorraine, a San Diego-based dating coach. Before you give up on fanning the flames of your long-distance romance, consider employing these strategies to keep your long-distance love hot.
1. Establish ground-rules from the start
In order to maintain a successful long-distance relationship, you and your mate must openly communicate about and mutually agree upon the ground rules and terms of your relationship. “Openly discuss topics such as whether to remain monogamous or not when apart, how often to communicate and how often to visit,” Lorraine advises. Do not assume anything, and leave nothing up in the air. “When there are no misunderstandings or bad feelings, both partners are on the same page, which is the formula for a strong bond,” she asserts.
2. Discuss a mutually agreed-upon end goal for your relationship
In order for a long-distance relationship to survive, Lorraine says that both parties need to feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. “Whether it’s that one or both parties will relocate after your separation, that you’ll be seeing each other exclusively afterwards or that at the end of your separation you’ll get married, having something you can both look forward to when the going gets tough will remind you both why you’re involved in a challenging situation,” she says. When setting your end goal, make sure it’s one you both understand and on which you both agree. “Never establish an end goal thinking or hoping that you will change your partner’s mind along the way,” she warns. “Thinking or hoping your partner will move back or propose, for example, only sets you up for disappointment and resentful feelings.”
3. Avoid excessive communicating
While speaking to your partner every day may feel like the best way to stay close, Lorraine actually cautions against such frequent chat-fests. “I recommend having only one scheduled hour (or longer) phone call a week,” she explains. “By doing this, you’ll have more exciting updates to share and you’ll be much more excited and enthusiastic to talk to each other because you’ve been anticipating that phone date all week.” Additionally, she emphasizes that less-frequent communication will not only keep you from growing dependent on each other, but also will provide you both with the freedom to grow independently and have your own lives and hobbies.
4. Alternate visits on each other’s turfs
Whenever possible, try to keep the efforts you both put forth traveling to see each other equal, ideally alternating visits to each other’s places. “This plan ensures you will spend the same amount of time becoming parts of each-others’ lives and getting to know each other’s friends,” she explains. “If one person is doing all the traveling, this can not only create an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship, but it can also lead to a partner’s resentment.”
5. Raise your trust level significantly
Naturally, being separated from your significant other means you’re not as privy to his or her whereabouts and activities,. “Not knowing exactly what your partner is up to all the time can create significant anxiety and insecurities in people,” she explains, “so if you want your long-distance relationship to survive, you need to learn to fully trust each other or it’s simply not going to work.” Grant each other the freedom to live your lives separate from each other and resist the temptation to vocalize jealousy and suspicions, become overprotective, or accusatory of the other. “This type of behavior will only breed contempt—aside from making you sound neurotic and unattractive,” Lorraine says.
6. Keep it sexy and spicy
Because time together is rare, when you do see each other, take as much advantage as possible of your ability to get intimate with each other. “Make sure your roommates or friends know your partner is going to be in town and keep the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign up!” Lorraine suggests. During those stretches when you can’t be with each other physically, she advises utilizing technology to send sexy text messages to each other sporadically during the week or, if you’re feeling daring, sending intimate pictures through your email or camera phones. “Try cyber sex or phone sex,” she suggests. “At first it may be a little awkward, but I assure you—you will get used to it and will begin to genuinely enjoy the added passion it bring to your relationship. You’ve got to keep those feelings of excitement and attraction alive or they will wane in time.” An added bonus: all that build-up will make the “real thing” all the more exciting when you see each other next.
7. Live your life!
One of the keys to surviving a long-distance relationship is to make sure you maintain your life, friendships and interests when your partner is away. “Many people in long-distance relationships have their whole lives wrapped up in their partner, which leaves them terribly depressed when the partner leaves,” Lorraine notes. “This dependency stunts your personal growth, which will later take its toll on your relationship.” To ensure that you don’t lose sight of your goals and your life, use your separation as an opportunity to focus on your career or schooling without distraction and take advantage of your time away from your partner to develop strong friendships. “Being in a long-distance relationship actually offers a wonderful benefit that a close physical relationship does not: you can both continue to grow and richen your lives independently of each other while still being in a partnership,” Lorraine asserts. “If handled correctly, each partner can become much more productive and well-developed, and will have more to bring to the relationship in the end.”
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par3
wrote on September 11 2008 @ 03:33 am: [report]
def don’t get jealous. don’t get into jealous arguments! they are toxic!
afp
wrote on September 11 2008 @ 09:37 am: [report]
Pertaining to “Keep it sexy and spicy,” my boyfriend and I create sexual fantasies and tell each other these stories while we’re on the phone late at night. It keeps the sexual flame in the relationship going and it’s an amazing sneak peek into the short visits.
7 Ways to Survive a Long Distance Relationship ??
wrote on September 12 2008 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
While I think a lot of that is good advice, I very much disagree with #3. I am one of the few people who survived a long distance relationship and am now living with and engaged to that boyfriend. We commuted back and forth for years and my bf and I talked every night. Yes, you run out of updates, but you do that with a live-in partner too. Talking every night allowed us to really bond and to feel like we were in a real relationship. Sometimes we had updates, sometimes we just played games online or watched TV together over the phone. And sometimes it was just a quick call to say I’m going out with friends, I’ll call you tonight or tomorrow if I get home too late. Our phone bill was HUGE but we felt like we were in an actual relationship and that saved us.
darkchalice
wrote on September 13 2008 @ 07:54 am: [report]
ok I have been seeing this guy for 5 years, we met online and we met in person 3 years later when he flew over here from Australia for a 3 month visit; now two months ago he proposed and we are planning a wedding for next June. Our key to success? we only get to see each other on Friday and sometimes Saturday nights online so we do several things in that time, since we don’t really have a lot new to say from week to week. We play games on the internet like dominoes and poker this gives us quality time together with no interruptions and something to talk about during that time, we also role-play as different characters in a medieval setting giving us adventure and we chat on our messenger. On the weekends I take a nap so I can stay up later and get the most of my time with him and it’s worked so far. I still love him even deeper than I ever did and look forward to a nice settled life with this man but the distance between us during the week is easier knowing he’s thinking of me and looking forward to our life as well.
Michelle
wrote on September 14 2008 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
I would like to add that there are tons of things couples can do together that will help keep their relationship fresh. Here’s a list of 46 things for LDR couples to do: http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/thingsforldrcouplestodo.htm
josie
wrote on October 5 2008 @ 03:16 pm: [report]
i also disagree with number three- my boyfriend and i talk every night (usually on webcam) and even just looking at each other and studying together keeps us close- sure, there are times when neither of us has anything pressing to say, but it’s fine just to chill, just as we would sometimes if we were together physically as well.
Jenny
wrote on November 7 2008 @ 09:51 pm: [report]
How to have a healthy long distance relationship?
Long Distance relationships are a true test to a couple’s commitment and personal limits. LDRs take a great amount of effort to maintain and often people involved in them, realize that they evolve into a state of emotion that they never found themselves in before. When your partner is miles away from you, it is very easy to let things go wrong and lead your long distance romance to an early death. Some people find it difficult to bridge the distance through communication, others become overly obsessed with what their partner is doing when they are not there and as a result they spiral down a road of jealousy and suspicion. They key is balance and following some basic steps to keep your relationship healthy and strong.
* Communicate and visit often
It cannot be stressed enough how important communication is for every relationship, especially if it is an LDR. With the distance working to keep you and your sweetie apart, your defense is keeping all lines of communication open. It doesn’t matter how you do it as long as you do it. Every long distance couple should find ways to communicate that make both partners comfortable and happy. You can talk on the phone everyday, send e-mails, faxes or text messages and whatever you do make sure you share your feelings and expectations and be true to one another. Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to. A relationship cannot thrive if the only thing you have is the phone calls. You need to see each other up close and personal every chance you get. The key here is to set up some “rules” about frequency of communication and visits and stick to them, consistency can help a LDR survive. (Check our Communicate Better and Travel section)
* Avoid jealousy and be trusting
One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead. It always helps if you go in a relationship with the idea that everyone is innocent and worth of trust until proven otherwise. Don’t fall in the trap to interrogate your partner every time he/she decides to go out for a drink with people you haven’t met or he/she didn’t get back to you right away when you called and left a message. Just because you are in a LDR, you lives won’t pause. Your partner will naturally have a social life where he/she lives and so should you. Sure it helps to have your eyes open and not be totally naive but being overly suspicious is unhealthy for you and your relationship too. You should both maintain your social activity and be happy with yourselves.
* Be positive
Staying positive and not focusing on the negative aspects of a LDR is essential to keeping your relationship blooming and your partner content. Being away from your sweetie is not all bad news. Use the opportunity of personal time to pursue your interests and hobbies as well as your career objectives. Another positive points it that long distance dating pushes both of you to be more creative, communicate better since you don’t have “face-to-face” time and test your feelings. As long as you see the long distance relationship as a temporary state, you will keep your chin up and transmit that feeling of security and happiness to your partner too.
Long distance dating is all about a balanced relationship between partners; a relationship built on strong foundations of trust, understanding and determination to make it work. The two partners should be reasonable about their expectations and willing to cooperate so that this relationship can lead to a happy ending. If these parameters are taken care of, you have nothing to worry about.
Visit the Long Distance Relationship website http://www.waiit.com
lisa
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 07:22 pm: [report]
I also agree with the comment by “7 Ways to Survive a Long Distance Relationship ??”. I think its super important to feel that you are a part of each others lives on more than just a weekly basis. I guess it depends on how far apart you live and how often you see each other, but if you can only spare each other an hour a week that doesn’t seem like much… but thats just my opinion! http://www.coupledtogether.com/blog is a great blog for long distance relationships.