Handle This: His Friends Are Hateable
Posted by: Chelsea Kaplan
Filed in:
relationships
11:30AM, Wednesday August 13th 2008
If three (or four, five or six) is beginning to become a crowd in your relationship, it’s time to take action. While you can never make your boyfriend give up his friends, nudging them out of his life is well within your power. According to Janette Barber, author of the best-selling book “Breaking the Rules, Last Ditch Tactics for Landing the Man of Your Dreams”, all it takes to make your man break ties with his annoying pals is your showing him their true colors. “And if for some odd reason that fails,” she says, “there are always ways to drive them away!” For strategies on how to show your guy’s most irksome friends the door, read on…
The “Peter Pan” Friend
He won’t grow up, and hates that his buddy would rather hang with you than play XBox with him all day.
Believe it or not, the Peter Pan Friend is actually one of the easiest dudes to deal with. “This guy – even if he’s 50 – is about 14 years old, which means he’ll respond really well to maternal actions,” Barber says. Lull him into a sense of security by baking cookies and giving him beer, the grown-up equivalent of milk, when he’ around. “Really and truly, this will win him over if he’s certain to stick around,” she says.
If you goal is to speed up his exit from your man’s inner circle, take a different approach. “When he (finally) goes home and you are alone with your man, assert how much you like his fun-loving friend,” Barber advises. “Then pause and add something like, ‘Bless his heart, the poor thing. His mother must be devastated’ or ‘You are SO nice to be friends with him.’” If you keep this up, the message that his high school antics belong back in high school – and not in your man’s grown-up life - should reach your guy in no time.
The Cassanova Friend
This self-professed ladies man (read: cheesier than cheddar) is always hitting on you, but never in front of your guy.
If your goal is to make your guy aware of his pal’s annoying behavior, Barber advises loudly repeating every inappropriate thing he says to you. “If you find yourself alone in the kitchen with Cass (while you boyfriend runs to the can), and he slides up to you and croons something inappropriate, just shriek, ‘I’m sorry, what did you say about my butt?’,” she recommends. When your boyfriend comes running in just repeat word for word what his friend said. After this happens, it’s doubtful that your guy will want to be his pal for much longer. If you’re not comfortable being confrontational, Barber suggests laughing manically every time Cass hits on you. “Whip out your cell phone, call a girlfriend (or your voice mail at work) and tell her all about your boyfriend’s hideous, bald friend with bad breath who keeps hitting on you,” she says. “Then make some remarks about tweezers. This should do the trick.”
If you absolutely want to take care of the problem with no lingering issues, when you are alone with your boyfriend, tell him the truth. “Not only should you not be subjected to harassment, it wouldn’t hurt your boyfriend to know that his ‘friend’ is not a friend,” she asserts.
The Jock Friend
He’s always trying to rope your boyfriend into a game of catch, joining his fantasy sports league, playing a round of golf or watching football all Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, you hate sports.
In the case of the Jock Friend, you might as well embrace him. “Sure, you find sports unbelievably boring, but if you’re in it for the long haul with your guy, take comfort in the fact that he’ll eventually he’ll get so old, stiff and crickety that he won’t be able to throw his own underwear into the laundry basket, never mind finding the energy to walk out into the yard,” Barber says. In the mean time, she advises you buy a flat-screen TV and invest in a top-of-the-line Wii. “This way, they can watch games and flail away in your living room - where at least you can keep an eye on them,” she notes.
For additional solace, Barber recommends you keep in mind that hanging with Jock Friend means you won’t have to worry about his being in situations in which he’ll be interacting with all sorts of ladies. Also, as time goes on in your relationship, you’ll reach a point where being with your guy isn’t so novel anymore, and you’ll likely find yourself wanting to spend quality time with your guy and your girlfriends. Enter Jock Friend, the perfect, safe companion to entertain your guy while you go have “So You Think You Can Dance” viewing parties with your girlfriends. Lastly, Barber notes that Jock Friend can be used as you’d employ the threat of Santa with a 6 year-old. “Just think how ‘Better watch your cholesterol! Wouldn’t want Jocky to get ahead of you in basketball!’ will inspire him to change his ways,” she says.
The Player Friend
He refers to you as “the ball and chain” and keeps encouraging your man to try all 31 flavors before he purchases a cone.
Barber asserts that the best way to send this guy a message that you think he’s a skeevy dude is to clean compulsively whatever he touches. “Don Playtex gloves the minute he arrives, clutch a bunch of paper towels in one hand with the roll stuffed under your armpit, and carry the Windex in the other,” she recommends. “When you expect him for a visit, leave pamphlets labeled: Chlamydia: Friend or Foe and Do You Have an Embarrassing Itch? on every available surface. In extreme cases, you can cover yourself with plastic sheeting before you let your boyfriend so much as touch your knee. When he looks at you in horror, reply, ‘Just in case you caught something from him, honey!’”
A less direct approach, she says, involves going out for ice cream with your boyfriend. “When he declines to taste the peppermint boysenberry tea biscuit crunch, smile knowingly and tell him how insightful he is,” she suggests. “Point out that his friend, poor Player, would be sucking back all sorts of disgusting things – like pickle ice cream, or anchovy – just because he thought he was supposed to have one of everything instead of being wise enough to stick with the flavor he always got – the one he loved.”
The Jerk Friend
No matter how nice you are, you just can’t get this guy to warm up to you.
This guy poses an interesting psychological conundrum: What on earth is wrong with your boyfriend that he has such a friend? To deal with Jerk Friend, first look inside yourself and see if you can find a way to pity him. “Perhaps he’s gruff and horrible because he’s been rejected so many times for being gruff and horrible, and you can find it in your heart to feel sorry for him and later accept him,” Barber says.
If you want to get rid of him, however, she maintains that you must “nice” him to death. “Never say a bad word about him and offer him drinks, snacks, breath mints and moist towelettes when he’s around,” she instructs. “Insist with laughter and grins that all of his ill-humor is just so charmingly funny.” Most importantly, make sure you’re boyfriend sees how lovely and welcoming and kind you are to Jerk Friend. “Meanwhile, all your slavish niceness has gotten on Jerk Friend’s nerves so bad he’ll start sniping about you to your guy,” she says. Because he’s witnessed your loveliness towards Jerk Friend, he will be outraged. “His inner-Rambo will rise up and soon, Jerk Friend will be history,” she promises.
The Threatening Female Friend
He says they’re just pals, but you know she has another agenda in mind.
Barber refers to the Threatening Female Friend as the “pit viper in the boyfriend-amigo mix”. “Because, as all women know, a man, poor thing, can never recognize a Glenn Close until after she goes after his rabbit,” she says. Therefore, you must protect yourself. “NEVER leave them alone together,” she advises. “Pretend to your boyfriend that you love his harpy friend and that she is the long-lost sister you never had. Make him want to invite you along just because he’s so proud you’re not jealous. Going to the bathroom without her (or letting her get out before you) is not an option. This could be the time to introduce Depends into your wardrobe if you don’t trust your muscle control.”
Barber notes that you’ve got two options when it comes to getting rid of the Threatening Female Friend: “First, if you have any single male friends, call in a favor. Build him up to Female Friend, talking all about his overseas businesses and extreme wealth. When she goes after him, hope your boyfriend sees her for the gold-digging ring-runner that she is.” Another option is to expose her for who she really is. “Be incredibly affectionate with your boyfriend whenever she’s around,” Barber suggests. “Stand behind him and run your hands down his arms, to his hips and down his thighs. Slowly slide them back along his inner thighs stopping just inches before his groin. He’ll get all hot, which will drive her crazy. Upon seeing her getting all jealous and angry (once the blood returns to his brain, of course), the truth will dawn and he’ll start being busy when she calls.”
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Lynn
wrote on August 13 2008 @ 01:36 pm: [report]
Really? The suggestions for dealing with the friends and winning them over are good (well, the idea, a lot of the execution seems pretty bitchy). But manipulating the friends out of your guy’s life is pretty awful. Part of being in a relationship is dealing with the annoying parts of life.
Except for someone who is constantly hitting on you. I’m not saying you should force your boyfriend to cut that friend out of his life, but your guy really should know what’s going on.
Texas24
wrote on August 13 2008 @ 02:51 pm: [report]
If I was dating a guy and his friends turned out to be a bunch of jerks, you can bet the relationship would end pretty fast. The company a person keeps is a representation of who the person is. If his friends are losers, then generally, he’s a loser, too.
Sarah
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 09:40 am: [report]
I agree with Texas24, and I’m also from Texas! haha
If I go out with a guy, and I don’t like his friends, it’s adios! “Especially” if I go out with a guy and he has lots of close “gal pals.” I have too much self-respect to put up with that. If a guy isn’t mature enough to have nice, respectful, classy friends and mature enough to know having lots of “gal pals” isn’t such a great idea, then he’s not the guy for me.
lilo
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 09:41 am: [report]
I’m with Texas24 and Sarah: The friends tell all. Sure, there will always be a friend or two who aren’t your favorites, but if it’s the majority of his friends, then he probably isn’t right for you. And if he doesn’t like your friends, ditto.
Common McSense
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 10:57 am: [report]
This is a sad article. Women (or men for that matter) who try to wedge away their partners friends and their passions in life are generally insecure and classic examples of losers themselves.
Yes let’s make sure our significant others have no life outside of us. That way they have no where to run and we can trap them. That’s how cults work too.
voltaire
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
The part that I like about this article that the author seems to think that men are oblivious to manipulative women. if my girlfriend started trying to run off my friends, she would find herself kicked to the curb.
emptyspaces
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
A lot of these tactics assume one thing: you’re dating a stupid man. How about this piece of advice - just tell him how you feel. Don’t play these juvenile games and expect a good outcome. Unless, of course, you’re dating a stupid man.
V
wrote on September 1 2008 @ 06:48 pm: [report]
Here is the problem with this. You can bitch about my friends ALL DAY LONG. If YOUR girlfriends are a bunch of whinny, bitchy, crazy, boring, needy, stuck-up fat chicks…why do I care about your opinion on my friends? I really dont. I hang out with my friends because I find them fun (otherwise, what’s the point). If you and your aforementioned friends hate them, looks who’s talking. I can bomb on your friends all day long and it just becomes a friend trashing contest.
The Cassanova friend that hits on you, gotta go.
Threatening female friend, if she is hot… she isnt going anywhere. Men keep this one on board for a reason.
Jerk friend…we know he’s a jerk, you arent really telling us anything new. We put up with him. He probably complained about you before you complained about him. I ignore the both of you.
Jock friend is fun. Attention: Men like sports.
Player friend: You see a womanizing creep, men see a wing man/set up man. If you think men will get rid of this guy, dont ask about our previous pickup stories. You wouldnt like either of us then.
FreeSpirit
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:44 pm: [report]
My husband had a friend who literally took over our lives. His wife had left him and he’d lost his job. He’d call at 3:00 a.m., drunk out of his mind, waking us up. My husband would talk to him for a bit and then have no trouble going back to sleep. I, on the other hand, lay awake the rest of the night. Going in to work at 8:00 a.m., feeling like I’d been run over by a truck, was no fun. My husband refused to tell him to quit calling, saying he needed help. I said he should write to Dear Abby. Finally I took the phone off the hook. Next day I had a call from the phone company; someone (guess who) had reported our line out of order after getting a busy signal for hours. The calls did taper off and finally cease altogether, but it put a strain on our first year of marriage.
Symian
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
My boyfriend’s best friend is one of the few humans who makes me want to commit violent acts, but because they were friends waaaaay before I was in the picture I don’t act upon my feelings. I simply try to avoid any interaction with him and when I do have to see him I am polite.
I would hate it if my man tried any of these things to rid me of my friends that he might not like. It’s one thing to not like your other half’s friends, it’s something totally different (creepy) when you feel like you have to control and limit the people in someone else’s life.
boston456
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
I came across this article only because a coworker was reading it and asking the opinions of some of the men in the office. After reading it it for myself I was so infuriated I couldn’t help but actually take the time to create an account and leave my own comments. Now, I could go on and on about what I don’t like about this article but I won’t. What I will do is touch upon a few points, give some insight to the male mind and maybe, just maybe, help out of horribly misguided women who have this article.
1. It’s poorly written. There really isn’t much else i can say. This is obviously why you write for website and not the New York Times.
2. The mere fact that it’s referencing a book with “Last Ditch Tactics to Landing the Man of Your Dreams” says a lot about it’s author and the sad, sad woman who buy into her advice. If you’re resorting to this book to find a husband, the fact that you’re not in a relationship is the least of your worries. As for the author, I’m sure that if you landed your husband/boyfriend/significant other by following your own advice I’m sure he’s quite happy in your relationship and I’m sure there is NO possible way he resents you. And by husband/boyfriend/significant other i meant the many cats you undoubtedly own or will be getting very soon. You should be ashamed of yourself for giving such reckless guidance.
3. If anyone who read this article or worse yet, the book really thinks you’re going to win over the man of your dreams by driving away his best friends then I feel very sorry for you. You’re destined to either be single or in a relationship where there will always be an underlying resentment. I’m not sure what you think you will achieve by literally tearing your boyfriend/husbands friends out of his life but if you think it’s going to ultimately end well you are a very misinform, misguided, and jaded individual. Good luck getting anywhere in a healthy relationship. These are some of the very basic reasons that relationships don’t work. Instead of maybe learning to like some of the things that guys like such as sports, you think you can make us like everything you do. You have no tolerance for who someone is or the things that help in creating their identity. To ask someone to cut their best friends out of their lives is akin to asking someone to brush off their family. The reason it’s so easy for women to attempt this is because no women in my experience have forged the types of friendships with other women that men form with each other. Say whatever you want about that last sentence but it’s pretty much the truth. Funny how every woman says they’re better friends with guys than with girls, isn’t it? You don’t have to like your guys friends but you have deal with them. If you think that dudes like go to go shopping, to Jack and Jill wedding showers, or couples game night you’re sorely mistaken. We do that because it makes you happy.
Anyways, if you by this book or follow this article in the hopes of living happily ever after with the man of your dreams I truly feel sorry for you. Instead, maybe you should try to really get to know your boyfriend/husband. If you really don’t like his friends then eventually you won’t like him either. Good luck.
Anne-Kari
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
Really, is this a joke? No, really. This is right up there with that ridiculous book “The Rules”. My husband has had some friends that have potentionally fallen into the categories of “The Jock” or “The Jerk” - and even one “Threatening Female Friend”. So what? I may not be crazy about all his friends but I would never, ever try any of this manipulative crap suggested in this article. I wouldn’t let his friends walk all over me, certainly, but that doesn’t happen. My husband is his own person, as am I, and we each have our own friends in addition to mutual friends. Grown-ups often do.
I’m with Symian: trying tricks and manipulations to get rid of your sig.oth’s friends is very creepy indeed, and reeks of insecurity and control issues. The only bit of advice that borders on healthy here is SOME of the advice regarding “The Jerk”. I agree that being consistently pleasant and friendly with someone who is less than kind to you is the best policy - but for different reasons than the author implies. I think that getting pissy with someone who is pissy with you is just inviting more problems - if you decide to just always be pleasant, chances are whatever problem that person has with you will at least lessen. Regardless, not engaging with someone acting like a jerk keeps tensions lower in general.
Again, is this article meant to be humorous? Because even if it’s a joke, it’s not a particularly funny one.
mostlyin
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
I’m wondering why women, at any age, have not even tried to learn the lessons of the 60’s and 70’s, when many of our mother were just trying to get bank accounts in their own names, never mind fuss about who their husband’s friends’ were. This stupid essay reeks of low-brow, valley-girl manipulation to the worst extremes. How old is the author, 12? Did she not get invited to a party? Time to trash anyone who doesn’t make her the center of the universe? GROW UP, GIRLS. I’m too old to cringe over the fact that the younger women coming up behind me in the next generation have learned NOTHING about ethics, honesty, and straight talk. If my husband tried to pull any of this crap on me about my friends, he’d sleep in the garage for a month. Why would any man put up with the same thing from a woman? What is wrong with you, author?????? Seriously!
Anne-Kari
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
@Boston456: Look, I get what you are saying in terms of the ridiculous nature of this article, but launching an attack with sentiments like “and by husband/boyfriend/significant other i meant the many cats you undoubtedly own or will be getting very soon” and “Funny how every woman says they’re better friends with guys than with girls, isn’t it?” - this undermines the more salient points you were making. It’s a borderline ad hominem attack.
And also: really? All women say they’re better friends with guys than with girls? ALL of them?
I guess my point is: I’m with you in terms of how much we both dislike this article, but please, keep it classy. Especially since the content of the article isn’t.
bbpickles
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 03:24 pm: [report]
Is this article a joke??!!?
I really hope so! My current boyfriend’s friends aren’t bad at all, EVEN his girl-friends! I would never ever in a million years try to make my boyfriend (or anyone!) ditch his friends for me! That is a good way to lose a good guy.
I have a lot of guy friends and for the most part I know ever guy in the article, and I wouldn’t trade those guys for anyone! I have a couple friends (girls) that my bf doesn’t particularly like and I know this. He hasn’t tried to get rid of them!
I hope no woman actually uses these tactics, it’s seems to be more trouble than it’s worth…Find a new man if it’s that bad!!!
joyy
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]
@bbpickles - I’m not trying to defend the article, but you’ve obviously never had teh displeasure of being on the business end of an abusive guy who is pals with your bf yet harrasses you, makes fun of you in public, and tries to break up the relationship.
Like I said, this article is stupid, but you’re kind of neglecting the fact that sometimes b!tches need to be shown the door. Good on you for apparently not having people in your life who are raging a$$holes.
Unsympathetic
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 07:12 pm: [report]
I can’t wait to see the helpful article describing how to get rid of all of my girlfriend’s annoying friends.. as well as the generalized types of those friends.
If I don’t like them, they’ve all gotta go - because my girlfriend couldn’t possibly value them over me, right?