Handle It: Seven Things To Do When You’re Really, Really Angry
Posted by: Andrea Bonior, Ph.D
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Tuesday January 13th 2009
We’ve all had those moments. First, you feel your face start to tingle, then your heart begins to pound, and then you ball up your fists and feel like kicking a wall (or at least tearing to shreds that “service agreement” that after three weeks brought you no service at all.) Anger can be powerful—but there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with it. Handle your frustration properly, and it can get your blood flowing and spur you on to make positive changes. Here’s how to tame your inner raging bull…
1. Acknowledge It: Clenching your teeth while stuffing your feelings does no good for you, your mate, or your gastrointestinal tract. There’s nothing wrong with being angry. Admitting it—to yourself, or as calmly as possible to the person you’re locking horns with—can feel validating, and it’s the first step in working toward resolution.
2. Spell It Out: Still simmering after an awful performance evaluation? Writing down your feelings—yes, the prehistoric pen and paper can work as well, if not better, than the laptop—can be extremely helpful. In the process, you can sort out why you’re upset and what steps you can take work through the situation. Perhaps most important, putting your feelings into words can diminish their grip on you and help them work their way out of your system.
3. Get Physical: Biologically, anger looks quite similar to other forms of arousal. Get connected to your body, and channel the rage into an activity that can release tension—dancing, jumping rope, kickboxing and running are great examples. Do a primal scream (if you’re blessed not to share walls.) Instead of letting frustration burn you up, you can let it burn off. Sometimes the energy release of a good laugh, or a good cry, can also take the edge off.
4. Seek Perspective: If you’re still feeling steamed from that bully on the exit ramp or the backhanded tone from the bartender, it might be time to make a list of the things you’re grateful for. Gratitude meditations, or just sitting and focusing on what’s right in your life, are associated with increased fulfillment and diminished stress. Breaking out the yardstick to determine mountain from molehill can sometimes help clear your head.
5. Connect—Carefully: Sharing your feelings with a trusted person can often be very cathartic. Don’t make excuses for your emotions or buff them to a shine; just let them flow. But beware of the friend who just riles you up further; there’s a difference between letting you vent and fanning your flames.
6. Take Action: If it’s a serial aggressor that’s getting you down, chart out steps to improve the situation. A methodical, specific plan of action can lend a sense of control, helping stop the madness.
7. Watch It: Sometimes even when things seem resolved, anger can linger in the form of hypersensitivity, irritability, and insomnia. Increasing your mindfulness—or at the very least, keeping an ear attuned to your inner dialogue of thoughts and feelings—can serve as an early warning system for future conflicts. It can also help you determine if you’re carrying around the weight of that snarky email long after it’s good to do so.
Dr. Andrea Bonior is a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, and columnist. Her personal website is here.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Erin G
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]
Oh god thank you for not saying “Take a deep breath!” I HATE it when people (my mother is a good example!) tell you to do that. All it does is sound condescending and makes me even more angry, since now you’ve got someone going “oh hey look at that girl who can’t control herself!”
joyy
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]
hah, when I returned from a two week vacation to find water all over my kitchen floor and seeping up between my livingroom floorboards, then couldn’t light any of the pilot lights the bf snuffed out before we left (he stayed with friends a week longer than I did so my return was solo), I was fuming so hard that I had to stop the continuous flow of rage running through my head by writing it down. It helped.
It also made me laugh a little bit to take out a piece of paper, write “Things that make me want to put my #&@$% face through the wall” at the top, and list things out (they had to shut my water off, which made me sad because I had a UTI and was peeing frequently, was unable to make a dr’s appt, etc, among other house things). I then took the anger out on the 2” of ice and the 4” inches of snow in my driveway (and the ice burm created by the plows). I don’t think I’ve ever cleared that much ice/snow so fast in my life. I handed my list to a friend later (who drove me home later that night after my car couldn’t get up the icy hill I live on), because I knew she would get a kick out of it.
The day sucked for sure, but half of these things are how I decided to deal with it and, for me at least, it helped. You also left out one very important coping mechanism: crying. I just sat in my garage and cried it out for a while, then went back to destroying the driveway snow/ice because it was the only forward progress I could make on my own.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
@ Erin
Good point in that someone TELLING you to take a deep breath does sound condescending, not only that but it is obvious advice not some secret of the ages. I think it is akin to when your choking on water going down wrong and people yell “put your arms up”, you cant think to find a countertop to hold on to and they yell it out over and over as if they are audience help on the price is right. I always think, you put your own damn arms up, take a breath and walk away so I dont have to listen to your instructions. =) thats just me
@joyy
The lesson I took away is that you can turn anger and frustration into positive gains. =) I would also like to point out a little double standard or whatever you want to call it (double standard probably not the right word). Patience displayed in men… I can think of a time when attending a party ata crowded bar (which sucked to begin with because I dont really drink) the woman next to me flailed her arms telling a story and knocked a huge long island all over my dress slacks. I just let it fall because it was going to anyways and then started looking for napkins, didnt say anything, no expletives and no “watch what our doing bia”. I got a couple compliments that I showed patience while using a bushel of napkins to save what I could. So that was good…
Come to a different situation where I was commented upon while escorting a female to her car ( we were both totally sober) by some group of frat boys walking towards an outdoor club. I let it go and didnt even acknowledge it, one came closer and continued to run his mouth but I just sort of put my back to him and bid her goodnight so he wasnt even in the picture. Later I heard from someone that apparently I didnt show enough emotion or ego or male-ness, whatever false term is used to describe us.
So my question is, have any of you ever personally caught yourself using this same double standard? I want a man whos patient but gets mad at certain points, maybe something it is better to stay calm with. I just find it crazy that you can try to work on a personality trait but once you ahve it down, you may not be macho enough for some….ah well, I probably dont want associate with those women anyways. =)
ps sorry for the long story
ballhawk
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
When I get mad, that is the perfect time for me to go to the gym!
Erin G
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]
@East
While double standard might be getting close, I think hypocracy can be used to describe that. Wasn’t this addressed in another article a few days ago? Something about how women want a strong guy but not a strong guy, etc. I personally could go for a guy who can spout a calm, witty comeback at a pack of frats, so witty that they’re stupified into a neutral situation. I don’t need anger, I need humor.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
@Erin
You are probably right, I think hypocracy is an apt description. I would have stopped by stride to engage them in some verbal fencing but it didnt look like they had a sword to being with so I said the silent treatment was better at the time. I do tend to do just that with the backward white college hat wearing, soaked in colgne crowd and I agree that humor is valuable, as a trait and a weapon =).
I must have missed that other article but I see that scenario play out among others as well, couples, friends. Guys are supposed to be calm but turn all cocky and puff out their chests in certain situations. I think its a line of thinking that we can all do without, I know I sure can =)