Guy Lied To Girlfriend About Graduating From College
Posted by: Jessica Wakeman
Filed in:
relationships
11:15AM, Friday July 10th 2009
You know how sometimes little white lies snowball out of control? It’s usually when you say something dumb, like, “Oh, yeah, I watch “Gossip Girl.”” Then the girl who sits next to you at work gives a play-by-play of each outfit the characters’ wore every Tuesday morning and you just smile politely.
But one man wrote into “Dear Prudence,” the advice columnist for Slate, to confess he’s been lying to his girlfriend about something for four years: that he has an engineering degree.
In fact, the guy never graduated from college. When the couple started dating, he said he felt “self-conscious” about not having a degree and told her he gradated from a college that he actually didn’t get into. “Dear Prudence,” of course, suggests that he TELL HER THE TRUTH. Um, yeah. But I’m wondering what the girlfriend is going to think. She probably won’t care that he doesn’t have a college degree, but she probably will care about four year’s worth of deception.
Here’s the letter this poor guy wrote to Prudie:
Prudence wrote back that he should confess his lies, say when they met he was “intimidated by her accomplishments,” and not to make excuses if she gets angry. She also suggested the girlfriend might actually be “relieved” to find out he hasn’t impregnated a colleague or tested positive for an STD. That’s true about the relief, I suppose. (At least he didn’t fly to Argentina to see his mistress and tell everyone he was hiking!) But sudden candor won’t bring back all the trust he just lost. Even if he ‘fessed up eventually, I couldn’t stay with a man who had been dishonest to me—and my best friend—for four years. Immediately I’d start to wonder what else he lied about. Maybe nothing! But I might not find out for another four years, would I? It’s not the lie that bothers me as much as the length of time. When a relationship starts to get serious, that’s the time to drop any potential bombs: I was once engaged, I once had an abortion, my ex is close friends with my mother, etc. It’s just courtesy, I think, to tell your partner about delicate topics before they find out some other way. What clever friends and family this guy has, who didn’t spill the beans before he did! The best case scenario would be that the girlfriend has a great sense of humor and she laughs this whole thing off. Except for the lying part, I’m sure she love him even without a college degree. [Slate]Dear Prudence,
I have been dating a wonderful woman for four years, and we have been discussing marriage. She is accomplished academically and successful in her career. The mutual friend who introduced us told her I was an engineer. I am in the field, but I don’t have a degree. When we met she asked about my engineering background and where I was educated. I have always been self-conscious about having never finished school and said that I had graduated from a college to which I had applied but was not accepted—and had never even visited. She exclaimed, “What a coincidence—one of my best friends graduated from there!” I eventually met Mr. Best Friend, who was thrilled that we had something in common and has talked about our mutual schooling every time we’ve seen each other since. All these years later, I haven’t had the guts to tell my girlfriend the truth. I am a loyal partner and would not normally lie to my loved one. I consider this the biggest mistake of my life. How can I clear the air? Or should I just let it go?—A Matter Of Degree
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fallenangel915
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]
He definitely needs to ‘fess up. I can understand that he may have been intimidated by her success, but why base a relationship on such a ridiculous lie? And if he would lie about something like that, what else would he lie about should he feel “intimidated” again?
cattgirl813
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
Wow. I can understand feeling self-conscious about not completing college (I went off and on for five years without graduating), but to lie about it to his girlfriend? And her best friend? For years? And the intricacy of the lie - a school he didn’t even attend, discussing details of the program he didn’t attend with someone who did - is mind boggling. When he tells her, he’s going to need to be completely forthcoming, open, and willing to take whatever reaction she has as she has it. He’s not only going to need to tell her he lied, but why, and willing to let her explore any and every part of his background - holding nothing back. He can’t rationalize, flip things back in her court, or fall back on excuses - only total, painful honesty will do. He also has to be willing to accept the fact that, no matter how open he is, she’s probably going to walk. The cynic in me wonders if, deep down, he no longer wants to be in the relationship and is using this as a convenient way to get out without having to break things off himself. The optimist in me hopes this is the only breach of trust in their relationship and she’s willing to forgive. After all, it’s a lie, but it’s about his education - not another relationship/hidden child/nasty disease/criminal record. Still, for him to have done this for so long is a huge breach of that trust. I wish them well.
mille
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]
dump him.
Shasta
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]
I read the original on Slate and was surprised by the apparent lack of seriousness with which Prudie took this. She seemed to think that as long as he wasn’t HIV positive, he was in the clear.
I’m not sure about this one. It was a lie, and a pretty well-planned one that went on for a while. I’d love to hear how it turns out.
I think the bigger relationship question is, “At What Point Do You Start Putting Forth Your Real Self?” We’re constantly reading how to get him/her to like us and many of us only put forth our “best selves,” which is fine but at some point you’ve got to be your real self. That can be a scary proposition, and some of us put it off and then pass the point of no return.
Any Thoughts?
retro chic
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
I smell manipulation, and goes to show why set ups are not a good idea. There are so many lies and character issues here. He even cast blame on the mutual friend for the “disinformation” upon introduction.
Mr “Matter of Degree” sounds like he’s already made up his mind by minimizing this – a ploy for sympathy or more justification for carrying on with this needless deception *for 4 years,* he’ll slip up eventually.
And, huh? Just now *talking* about marriage after 4 years? None of it bodes well. Who knows, as an engineer, she may already know and is waiting for him to fess up as her litmus test for his honesty in marriage. I hope he confesses, come what may. But I don’t think he will. Good luck to them.
staceface
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
My most recent ex-boyfriend did almost this exact thing. We only dated for a year, but the entire time, he lied to me about having a bachelor’s degree, and that he was considering going back for an MBA. (I’m in a PhD program, which was his excuse for lying once he finally did tell me. He was intimidated by my academic success, and felt inadequate. He was very insecure about a lot of things, actually, but managed to hide it pretty well for a while.)
He told me that he didn’t tell his mom about his college graduation because they had a falling out and weren’t speaking at the time. (When he confessed, he told me that he’d said this to me to ensure that I wouldn’t happen to ask his mom about his college years/graduation the first time I met her.)
When he did finally tell me that he had a technical associate’s degree from ITT, he made it so dramatic that I WAS relieved that it wasn’t something “more serious,” like an STD or cheating. It was actually pretty manipulative on his part, looking back, because he was so grovelly and pathetic that I was going to seem like a real a-hole if I didn’t instantly forgive him and let it go. I did, but we broke up a few months later because it turned out he was lying to me about a lot of other things, big and small.
It seems to me that if this guy was willing to lie (elaborately) about something for FOUR years, he’s probably telling other little white lies here and there that may go on long after this lie is exposed. It’s a reflection of his character that he was insecure enough with himself to lie in the first place, and too proud to set the record straight at a reasonable time.
Based on my own experience, if he lied about this for so long, he thinks it’s ok on some level to lie about things you don’t like about yourself. It’s only a problem because things happened to turn out long term with this girl, not because lying in the first place to make himself seem “better” is wrong to this guy. RED FLAG.
If I were her, I would run away as fast as I could.
Karmatir
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]
This lie right here is what my ex-husband did. Its part of why we are divorced. When I married him I *thought* and was told by him that he was in the midst of completing his BA. He even produced paperwork, etc. But I trusted him so he never had to do too much. Well graduation time came and went and he came up with even more lies to cover it. Curious about it and a number of other things I started snooping. Turns out he had a whole mess of lies to cover lies that were covering even more lies. This dude clearly could be lying about a lot more that just have a degree.
Shasta
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]
@StaceFace - Excellent insight.
“It’s a reflection of his character that he was insecure enough with himself to lie in the first place, and too proud to set the record straight at a reasonable time.”
It also points out that we should be honest to potential dates. Why construct this fake personality.
LayD
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
I can see it now:
“Good news is that I didn’t get another girl pregnant, bad news is that I don’t really have a college degree, no biggie, right?” Girlfriend is overhwelmed with relief that her boyfriend isn’t another slimebag who cheats to be upset with the deception.
Yeah right!
Dear Prudence:
There is the white lie that is told to make the other person feel better e.g. “you are so much prettier than she is!” And then there is the lie that is told to make the deceptor feel better. Those are the lies that are manipulative, hurtful, and so not ok! Having a college degree is a big deal. I am sure all his friends and family knew the truth, they would have remebered him moving away for 4 years, stressing over finals, or at least a grad party. Anyone would feel like a fool to learn something that everyone else has know the whole time. Also, an engineering degree in particular is pretty significant. One could assume that if their significant other has an engineering degree and is an engineer, that would insure more job security than someone who just works in an office with engineers without any degree. Also, it could be assumed the engineer would be paid more which is comforting to know when they may be contributing to the rent/mortgage or other living expenses. If someone is compelled to tell a lie to make themselves seem more worthy in the relationship, they need to either suck it up, skip the lie and confess the truth, or feed their pride and ditch Ms. Brains for Ms. Dopey.
vaiaster
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 06:16 pm: [report]
i agree with mille. tell the truth. dump him. if he lied about this, what else is he lying about?
when i was in my late teenage years, i was into internet dating. i met a man from chicago via the internet, though never in person, thankfully. when he first met, he told me he was 35. a few years later, i discovered he was 39. i can relate to the statement that if he lied about this, what else could he lie about? some may think age wasn’t that big of a deal, but to me it was “something” and though by the end, we were friends with no true romantic interest anymore, i chose to end it and cut him off.
Kate2009
wrote on July 11 2009 @ 11:30 pm: [report]
Yeah finding out a lie like that pretty much has to be a deal breaker. In a way, once he tells her the truth, she’s lucky to have such a giant and obvious lie that it will give her a compelling reason to dump him. I had a friend who dated a very nice guy who turned out to be a major liar. He had a great personality but everyting he said was based on a lie. Unfortunately, the many lies she caught him in were fairly insignificant so it was hard for her to walk away at first. It was only after years of being together and finally being so annoyed a the sheer pointlessness of his lies that she was able to get out.
sparklestar
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 07:07 am: [report]
I would be very angry that a lie like this had been told. A guy’s degree is the kind of thing a girl is likely to brag about so to find out that he doesn’t have one…?!
majicksand
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 07:56 am: [report]
My ex husband told me all sorts of things when we started dating that I found out weren’t true after we got married. Some of the lies were admissions of bad things he had never done. He was very charismatic and put on a good show, but once I started to see through the facade, it collapsed like a house of cards. I realized too late that the man I married and the man I thought I married were not the same person.
We’ve been divorced for years, but I still get calls and mail from creditors because his lifestyle of lies and deception went way beyond me. Last I heard he’s sleeping on a friends couch and doing odd jobs. Thankfully, his name was never attached to my house or my car, so neither he nor his creditors have any claim to me.
Liars are bad news all the way around. Not only do their lies cause serious problems both in a relationship and in the outside world, the insecurities that inspired the lies make them really hard to live with.
bogart4017
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
Okay take away his degree. Does he look any worse? Does he act any different? Does he treat you any different? What is with all the dump him crap? People are SOOOO quick to advise people to get rid of their SOs. Real mannered people know this is bad form. Get rid of your own then we’ll talk
lisaosnow
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:09 pm: [report]
A guy i dated briefly lied about his college education, too! he said he had a marketing degree, and had worked various marketing gigs in various states. He even went so far as to claim to have a start-up biz w/ a partner friend, trying to make heineken commercials.
Come to find out, he never even graduated high school! He bopped around state to state to avoid felony larceny charges he had from his hometown, which he got picked up on, arrested, and extradited back to his home state! needless to say, I dumped him when he got out of jail. what a freak!
Yoplay
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 07:31 am: [report]
This brings back some scary memories. I did the same thing, but much worse. I lied about having a PhD in physics. Not only did I lie about it, as it progressed out of control, I had to produce “proof” by producing a fake degree (I was dumb enough to mis-spell some stuff on it), lying to her friends, family and co-workers. The big cherry on top was since the lie was unraveling, and there was no proof I was anything I claimed I was, I made the biggest (and dumbest/funniest) whooper of all: I was employed by the CIA.
Her friend finally told her “This guy is full of crap” and gave reasons why I was full of crap. She was right on the money on everything. That’s when the lie was exposed.
I finally came clean on it, but my credibility never returned. Some long time friends are no longer my friends (who wants a liar for a friend?), and she walked out.