Googling Your Date: A Cautionary Tale

Posted by: Wendy Atterberry Filed in: relationships
1:30PM, Wednesday August 19th 2009

Comments (54)

Most of you probably Google a date’s name before you go out with him — some of you probably Google his name before you AGREE to go out with him (I know I would)—but how many of you Google a date’s email address? If you think that’s a crazy idea, too stalker-ish or whatever, have I got a cautionary tale for you! Recently, a friend of mine we’ll call “Angie” met a guy she thought might hit it off with her roommate — we’ll call her “Sheila” — and set about putting them in touch. “But I’m actually attracted to you,” the guy said to Angie, to which she replied honestly that she was already seeing someone and, besides, he wasn’t really her type anyway (he’s heavily tattooed and pierced — something she’s not into, but her roomie is). “Fine,” he said, “But will your roommate put me in my place like you will?” Angie assured him that Sheila was no doormat and would put him in his place if need be. “And you told her what I look like?” He asked. Angie assured him that she told Sheila about his tattoos and piercings and that she was totally fine with it.

Once everyone had been assured enough to proceed, email addresses were exchanged and Sheila and Tattoo Boy went about making introductions with each other.

“Angie told you what I look like, right?” Tattoo Boy emailed right away.
“Yeah,” Sheila responded, “She told me you have a lot of tattoos and piercings and stuff and I’m totally fine with all that.”
“Oh, good. But did she tell you I still wet the bed?” he joked.
“No, I guess she must have forgotten that detail,” Sheila said, only slightly alarmed by his odd comment (Angie had warned her he had an “interesting” sense of humor).

They exchanged a couple more emails before setting up a date. A few days before they were to meet in person, Sheila decided to see what she could find about this guy online. She Googled his name and didn’t find much she didn’t already know. Then she Googled his email address and, lo and behold, the first (and second and third) link to pop up was to a message board for diaper fetishists! With increasing repulsion, Sheila read all about how Tattoo Boy was really into wearing diapers, enjoyed being dominated, and was looking for a woman to baby him and “put him in his place.” Turns out he wasn’t joking about still wetting the bed!

Sheila quickly emailed Tattoo Boy with some excuse about why she wasn’t going to be able to meet up with him. He, in turn, emailed my friend Angie and said, “I guess I’m not your roommate’s type after all.” And Angie, who had become privy to Sheila’s online discovery, read his message and replied: “Yeah, I guess not.” Needless to say, things didn’t work out with Sheila and Tattoo Boy, but hopefully she’ll find someone nice in time — someone who doesn’t wet the bed — and with any luck, he’ll meet some hot dominatrix on that diaper fetish message board soon.

Moral of the story: If you’re being set-up on a blind date (online dating counts!), be sure to Google a person’s name AND email address before going out with him!

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Tags: hooking up, dating advice, online dating, dating horror stories

Comments (54)

comments

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]

I just tried it on myself….I get nothing of value except a LinkedIn profile I haven’t updated since I got a job.

skywalk
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]

I share my email with my husband so I thought I would check, I found an ad for a CDL truck driver(which I don’t know why that is there we only own 1 truck and my husband drives it?) and two listings for apartments we were trying to rent in the past.

writergirl
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]

I googled mine with nothing returned.

I googled both my husbands. One returned nothing.

One returned something in Japanese (expected given a customer)

And then I found one of his employees who posts on a gay website blog. The company handle came up. I hope it is the guy we all know is gay and I’m kinda surprised he’s using his work email to do it.

feinicstine
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]

None of my or my boyfriend’s email addresses have any matches. we are laaaaame

DancerNinja
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 01:34 pm: [report]

Just tried the email trick with a few old flames, and got nothing. I date boring people, apparently.

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 01:41 pm: [report]

I met my husband online and before we met in person, I Googled everything I could think of: name, screen names, nicknames, email addy, anything. I learned a lot that I may not have known, but none of it scared me off obviously. It seems kinda common sense to me to run as much of a background check as possible. You can never be too cautious!

GirlvWorld
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]

I always google dates… my friends think I’m insane… but I guess this just proves I’m legit.

http://www.blog.#&@$%.com

skywalk
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 01:50 pm: [report]

I googled my work email address and my husband email address for one of our businesses they are all legit.

Riley
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]

Just another reason to use multiple emails for anything and everything, keeps the creepy people with extra time at bay. Compartmentalize.

joyy
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]

This is great. I haven’t found anything really juicy yet, but I know at least for my bf, he has two gmail accounts, the legit one he uses for work and another one for “spam” or pretty much any site that you want to access online that makes you register with an email addy (ie NYT, gaming sites, car forums, etc).

I have already found a few things on his computer I’m sure he didn’t plan on sharing with me, but I’m not googling the second email (not from work, at least) because the handle is so vulgar that I’m sure I’d just end up with tons of porn, whether it’s actually tied to that account or not lol.

He can’t be the only one who does this, so beware: just because someone comes up clean on this search doesn’t mean there aren’t skeletons in their internet closet.

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]

@joyy: So true ... second emails/online identities are always a possibility. Scary, isn’t it? You really can never be too careful ... and you can always install a keylogger if you have access to his computer when he’s not around. (Gee, I’m such a trusting person, aren’t I? LOL)

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:21 pm: [report]

@EG: Keyloggers are illegal to use without the consent of the individual.

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:24 pm: [report]

@Cheese: I know a few of women (and a guy) that have used them to track their mates. Legal or not, it’s pretty commonplace when you’re suspicious. Just sayin’ ...

joyy
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]

@EG - keyloggers? Um, wow. I hope you’re joking, because if you’re not, that’s seriously creepy and psycho. I have no need to stalk him like that. I just put out there the legitimate idea that a lot of people probably have more than one email, which can be a very good idea and isn’t even necessarily a sneaky thing. I mean, I have a work email through my employer’s servers, but if I worked for myself, you bet your ass I’d have separate accounts for work and personal stuff.

Riley
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]

EG is the reason I have profiles for others to use while on my computer, limited ability. What kind of unbalanced person would need to install a keylogger instead of just asking a person? Completely pathetic.

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]

@joyy: I don’t think it’s creepy or psycho ... I think it’s protecting yourself. I had a friend who found out her bf was cheating for over a year when she was suspicious enough to install a keylogger. She just needed proof and that was the only way she was going to get it. She said he could have continued with his affair indefinitely since he was pretty good at hiding things and she had no idea he had a whole other relationship on the side. It saved her sanity and she left him ... so I don’t think there’s anything bad about that, legalities aside.

Of course I have separate work and home emails, too, but people can create as many as they’d like and it makes it very easy to hide things. That’s creepy to me ...

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:40 pm: [report]

@Riley ... sorry buddy, but I refuse to allow myself to be blindsided. My husband and I have a zero secrets policy and have total access to each other’s stuff. I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who could keep things from me. Maybe that makes me “pathetic” in your eyes ... I think it makes me smart. Everyone’s different ...

Shasta
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]

EarthGoddess is correct. And I assume most people at least have an an “above board” e-mail address and spam account. Many also have a fake web persona account as well.

Um. What’s a keylogger?

Shasta
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]

@Wendy. Good article; however, title was misleading. I was under the impression that the date somehow found out she was googling him and was pissed. I’m not a fan of the Google background check; however, in this case the correct title should’ve been “Googling Gone Right.”

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:48 pm: [report]

Thanks, Shasta! A keylogger is software installed to run in the background invisibly (undetected without a secret series of keystrokes and a password) that tracks all keystrokes, programs ran, and sites visited on the computer. It then generates a report so the person tracking the info has access to everything that’s been done on the computer. Some people, and most employers, use them to see what people are up to.

Riley
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]

With a zero-secrets policy how would installing a keylogger fall into that, wouldn’t you have to tell him? Not sure how “pathetic” is different from the normal pathetic; whichever one you want to use though.

Respecting privacy is paramount to trust. Full-disclousure is about as far from trust as you get. Having some zero-secrets policy sounds like a safety-net for the paranoid.

I have nothing to hide on my pc, but I don’t want some crazy person installing what they think is a keylogger or anything else on my computer. You have no idea where all that information is going besides to your little pocket. Buddy.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:57 pm: [report]

It collects everything you type, including passwords bank account information…anything put into the machine through the keyboard. Some of the fancier ones take a screenshot as well.

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 03:06 pm: [report]

@Riley: I’m not saying I installed a keylogger ... I don’t need to. My husband and I both work from home, are never apart for more than a few hours at a time even when socializing, and even then he calls to check in after about 30 mins. (Not the norm, I know, but it works for us.) I’m not saying anyone is right or wrong, but I personally need that safety net you mentioned and so does he. He actually brought up the idea first when we were still dating before he had even proposed. I had never been that way in previous relationships, but he had and I learned to really like it this way. Like I said, it works for us and I feel closer to him than I ever felt to anyone else.

Shasta
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]

Keylogger is serious stuff.

This warrants an article about technology, trust and relationships.

I’m torn. @Riley. In a perfect world respecting privacy is tantamount to a good relationship; however, where is the line between “respecting privacy” and being naive?

I don’t know the answer. It’s so easy to deceive these days.

bellarose
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 03:40 pm: [report]

I always google my men, lol. My ex-boyfriend failed to tell me until 8 months in our relationship why he had been arrested and been in jail. I knew he had been cause when we met he was on probation, luckily I googlied him and found out (it wasn’t that bad) and still to this day he doesn’t know I already knew from day 1, but I’m glad I did LOL

joyy
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]

@EG - re: your friend who did that ... if she was so suspicious/sure that he was cheating, why did she need to snoop on such a sleazy level? If you’re in a relationship that is so stressed that you’re installing keyloggers to spy on them because you think/know they’re cheating on you, save yourself the effort and just leave! I’m not saying cheating=keyloggers, but it seems just as sneaky and is SUCH a breach of trust/privacy in my book. And just to clarify, that’s not directed towards you/your marriage, but what you’ve shared about your friend(s).

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 03:58 pm: [report]

@joyy: I take no offense, and know you weren’t directing it towards me. That particular friend was hoping she was wrong, and she wanted to prove herself wrong, by installing the keylogger. She had an inkling but she needed hard facts, and a black and white report, before she confronted him. Her suspicion wasn’t enough for her ... she wanted evidence and she couldn’t afford a PI, so she used the tools she had available to track him herself. If he was proven innocent, she would have happily continued the relationship, but she was forced to end it after he confessed everything to her when she showed him proof. I can’t say I blame her for doing what she felt she needed to do.

joyy
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:03 pm: [report]

@EG - yeah, I don’t know though. To me, there’s no point in staying if you can’t even trust the other person anymore. And since keyloggers take all kinds of personal information that could lead to identity theft, etc (as otehrs noted that info can end up elsewhere unless you know what you’re doing), it just feels tantamount to stealing and almost as bad (though different) as cheating is.

*sam*
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]

I’m going to have to agree w/ joyy, riley, & cheeeeEEEEse on this one… in my mind, there’s never any justification for a key logger. then again, I’m also the type of girl that wouldn’t snoop my SO’s private accounts either (facebook, myspace, email, etc). in my mind, this is just another tool for the ultra paranoid/jealous to use that has the great potential to destroy a good relationship. my bff is crazy insecure & jealous, and has actually had to delete her myspace/facebook accounts when in a relationship b/c she couldn’t stop stalking her partner… thank GOD she doesn’t know a/b key loggers b/c I can only IMAGINE the drama that would cause!!! (seriously, PLEASE, no one tell her a/b this!!!)

writergirl
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:12 pm: [report]

Yeah…I’m with joyy, Riley, Cheese and sam on this….there comes a point where there has to be privacy in a relationship.

I understand your need for a completely open relaitonship, EG, but I couldn’t do it. I don’t WANT to know everything he does during the course of the day anymore than he wants to know what I do. And I think privacy is just as important in a relationship as anything else. Not secrecy, but privacy. My interaction with my friend’s is my business and he doesn’t need to be privy to it.

I was using his computer one day for research, couldn’t remember a website I was on and looked in the history folder. And felt guilty about doing that. I told him but I felt like I was invading his privacy. What he does on line is his business.

When we started dating, he googled me, I googled him. That’s normal and what comes up is public domain. But I’ve never snooped through emails, FB accounts or the rest of it.

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:20 pm: [report]

@writergirl: I know that each relationship is different, but he and I are genuinely interested in sharing EVERYTHING that happens all day long with each other. We abandoned privacy long ago ... it doesn’t exist with us. To each their own, though ....

writergirl
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:22 pm: [report]

@EG—if I had to listen to what he did all day long I’d be bored to tears. You are a better woman than I

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:27 pm: [report]

@EG: Do you close the door when you are using the bathroom and not allow him in if he needs to shower or get something?

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:36 pm: [report]

@Cheese: We have a separate area with its own door where the toilet is in our bathroom ... it’s like a whole other room within the bathroom (fully closed off). Does that answer your question? LOL

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:49 pm: [report]

@EG: Ahh yes, my parents have one of those too.

Jamie Lee
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:56 pm: [report]

i googled mine and all that came up was i am a member on the frisky!! LOL

skywalk
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:56 pm: [report]

Yeah…I’m with joyy, Riley, Cheese sam and writergirl.. for what matters.

Let_Love_Rule
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 06:11 pm: [report]

It depends on the situation, I think. Ideally, we would all be able to trust our mates and everything would be above-board. However, say you just have a bad feeling and cannot get anything but seemingly plausible denials from your partner? Cheaters and predators are experts in making you think that “it’s all in your head,” and using guilt over having suspicions to their advantage. They count on the fact that you are an honest and trusting person, but they play by different rules.

Case in point: My best friend had suspicions her man was cheating, but his friends covered for him, and she could not discover anything by asking. She thought about just breaking up, but concerned it was her past that made her so mistrustful (an idea he of course encouraged) she decided to use a key logger. She immediately discovered he was trolling the internet for sex with transexual men. She dumped him. True story.

charliecat
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 06:19 pm: [report]

I googled my current beau right after we met & found out he had kids. It wasn’t something he was hiding, we’d just met the night before, but I was glad to find out so I could think about if that was a situation I wanted to get involved in before I got attached to him. Once I knew, I let him tell me in his own time. Although he knew I knew…I kept trying to edge the conversation around to kids to get him to spill! I suck at lying! =)

melissaann
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 07:38 pm: [report]

Solid Advice!

secretsquirrel
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 08:09 pm: [report]

Where I live, there is an open circuit court record search. I search everyone I date to see if they have a record of domestic violence, DUI, violence in general. Even a pattern of multiple small claims court by creditors raises a red flag for me. Other than that, what they do in their personal time (blogs, facebook, etc), I just don’t care.

fifi
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 09:40 pm: [report]

When I was newly dating my boyfriend, I googled him and found nothing extraordinary. He didn’t know of course! But after 8 months or so, we were looking at something in the computer together. He spontaneously(?) decided to google us both so we both know what turns out on both our search results (we’re pretty boring).

However, our searches didn’t include other internet identities/email addresses. I have one, and it’s likely he has one, too. I’m not ready to indulge that detail yet to him, though, even if we have a lot of trust in each other. There’s nothing scandalous about my other email addy anyway, it’s just a privacy thing for me.

*sam*
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 10:11 pm: [report]

yeah, I just googled mine and my bf’s email addresses, screen names, and names—nothing aside from our facebook/myspace accounts, and for me, my webmd profile and a comment I left on a tech forum like 2yrs ago… wow, we’re really boring!!! lol

jackofhearts
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]

@EarthGoddess

Do you not trust your boyfriend? Does he not trust you? I’m not trying to provoke I’m just trying to understand. Surely if you have a need to know exactly what it is going on in every aspect/during every moment of your boyfriend’s life then you worry that he is doing something you wouldn’t like.

Also, as an aside, how do you keep things like surprise parties or birthday presents bought online as secret if you’re always checking each other’s accounts?

As I said, I’m not being provocative, I just have a genuine interest in the dynamics of relationships, and this is one I have never encountered before.

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]

@jackofhearts: I know you’re not being provocative, and I am also interested in relationship dynamics. So, I’ll happily explain. I do trust my husband (not boyfriend) but he and I have a genuine interest in the deepest inter-workings of each other’s day to day life. Nothing is too detailed to be shared, and nothing is off-limits ever. We are constantly in tandem with each other and share everything as it’s happening, so there’s really never a need to explain what happened, only how we felt when it did. Honestly, our conversations are almost stream of consciousness at this point. We’re in each other’s heads literally all the time. On the rare occasion when we’re apart, it’s only for a few hours and we check in regularly during that time. (He may be out having beers with the guys, but he’s texting me telling me all about it. I may be having lunch with the girls, but I’m texting him, too.) We also try to coincide our social times apart so we’re both out doing something while the other is, too. It may seem extreme to some, but it works great for us. One of the things we love most about each other is how available we are to the other all the time.

As far as surprise parties and gifts, we’re married, so we don’t really do much of that. For our birthdays, we’ll go out together and pick something out, and we’ll get things for the house or make a large mutual purchase for the holidays. It’s all coming from the same account anyway, so really we’re spending mutual funds on everything.

Hope this helps!

bellarose
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]

@EarthGoddess
I think you and your husband have a beautiful realtionship. It reminds me of my parents, the only time they are ever apart is for business, which is rare. There is nothing wrong with being that involved with someone, in fact I think it shows a greater level of love and ultimatly happiness together. I hope to find that someday!

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]

@bellarose: Thanks so much! That was very sweet of you ... I’m sure you’ll find your soulmate someday as well.

Squidtermz
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 01:17 pm: [report]

I think that’s super lame to googles someone like that. He couldve been a really good dude who needed someone caring and affectionate to help him break his ‘habit’ ‘fetish’ whatever you want to call it. It’s not like he was doing anything bad. You didn’t google his name and find out he clubs baby seals for fun. Take a chance I say. Quit being so boring. At least he didn’t get with your ‘friend’ who obviously is looking for mr. perfect. Who doesn’t exist. I say date tattoo boy and draw the line at diaper time. What’s his email? I can set him up with somebody who would love him right ; )

theoldman
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 06:18 pm: [report]

One thing that you better consider in using a key logger is that if the other person knows or finds out later you lose control of the situation. It is no longer about who has knowledge but who has engaged in criminal conduct. So your negotiating leverage is 0. Rather than facing the possible criminal fallout of a confrontation, cut you loses and move on. Banks and the feds have a 0 tolerance policy on banking info(account numbers, passwords). It isn’t worth a federal felony record. The other note is all key loggers I know of only work on Windows. If any one is up to no good they aren’t going to be using Windows unless they are really dumb. That begs the question of why are you dating with them any way.

If you feel the need to use a key logger ask yourself why am I so insecure/immature to want to use one. That not the cheating is the more fundamental problem. IF THERE IS NOTHING THERE, YOU RISK A VERY HIGH PROBABILITY OF BEING KICKED TO THE CURB WITHOUT ANY OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE AMENDS. You also risk getting blackballed on line.

Shriekback68
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 11:09 pm: [report]

Keyloggers are not “illegal” if you OWN the equipment you’ve installed the keylogger onto. Just sayin’

majicksand
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:08 pm: [report]

For the record, Earth Goddess and her husband are not unique in their level of openess. My husband and I own a business together, so we’re together pretty much 24/7 too. He’s the one person in the world I can say absolutely anything to. He explains “geek” technology; I show him the difference between “toile” and “tulle”.

We don’t necessarily share all the same interests, but we are opening to learning about new things and make a point to take an interest in each other—that includes stuff we would normal think of as boring.

You know those nasty, petty, evil little thoughts we all sometimes have but would never admit out loud? I even share those.

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]

@majicksand: We definitely have a lot in common!

majicksand
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]

@Earth Goddess: Yeah, I noticed that too. Honestly it’s good to know there’s someone else out there. It took me years to embrace who I am instead of feeling insecure thinking that I must be “weird”.

My children are proud to be different. It’s really cute when my 6 yo informs people that being weird is a prerequisite to being in our family. I say the only difference between weird and eccentric is money. My favorite aunt was always weird when I was a kid. She invested well; now she’s very, very eccentric. I’m working on it.