Going To My Sister’s Wedding, Solo
Posted by: Kate Torgovnick
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Tuesday June 2nd 2009
On Sunday afternoon, my little sister Lizz is marrying one of my best friends from high school, Pat. They’ve been together for 11 years, and are the kind of couple that looks alike, talks alike, and compliments each other in every way, giving me a touch of faith in this whole crazy love thing. I am pumped for the ceremony, which will be held in my favorite park in New York City, right under the Brooklyn Bridge. I am pumped that Pat will finally be my brother-in-law, a term I’ve used to describe him for years anyway. I am pumped for the reception, which will feature barbecue and cupcakes, and a “Celebrate Good Times”-free wedding dance mix created by yours truly. Heck, I’m even pumped to wear my bridesmaid dress. But there is just one little thing I’m dreading about Sunday: I have no date.
Honestly, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to wrangle a member of the male species to go with me to one of the biggest events of my life. But after a bad breakup in February, I haven’t had much luck on the dude scene. I had a pretty fantastic date a week and a half ago and was secretly hoping that perhaps things would be going so well I’d be able to ask him. But alas, he appears to have fallen off the face of the planet. Panicking last weekend, I asked one a good friend—the only one who isn’t already on the invite list with a date of their own—but, of course, he’s going to be out of town. I have another friend who I’ve thought about asking, but since he’s currently in the middle of a divorce, it seems cruel to subject him to a six-hour love fest, even if there will be pulled pork sandwiches involved. And so that leaves me. On my own. Solo. To my little sister’s wedding.
Every rational cell in my brain tells me this isn’t a big deal. This thing will be so mobbed with my friends and family that having a date would probably be a pain in the butt since I’d have to babysit him and make sure he hadn’t been accosted by a great aunt. Actually, I’ve never brought a date to a wedding, and in the end I’ve always had a great time. But, darn it, this is my sister’s wedding. Is a date really too much to ask?
Extended family does not make it easy to be a single. While I’m normally totally comfortable with my life, there’s no one who can crack it open and point a flashlight at what’s missing quite like they can. At a family event about a year ago, one family member jumped right in. “Why aren’t you married?” he asked. “I’d be so lost without my wife.”
“Now, now. Kate’s a modern woman. She’s got her career to focus on. She doesn’t need a man,” piped in another.
Really? Is that what they think? That I’m single because I want to be? Because I’m an extra on “Sex and the City?” Because I’m some fast-talking career broad who spits on the word husband? Ugh. That is so not it. I would love to meet someone who I think I could start a life with. It simply hasn’t happened yet.
The other day, I unloaded this onto my sister and soon-to-be brother-in-law. “Don’t worry,” Pat said. “Lots of my chef friends are coming without dates.”
Hot chef friends? Just another reason why I’m glad my sister is marrying him.
[Photo: iStockphoto]
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Pearl
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 09:08 am: [report]
Dear Kate T,
Last year I had to go to my older brother’s wedding sans date. I had just broken up with this guy, and it felt raw to be at the wedding alone. But, as it turns out, except for during the ceremony, I was so busy that I was glad I came without a date. I was seeing a ton of people that I hadn’t seen in years, and would have had to babysit a date, just as you said. I even ended up meeting someone at the reception.
I really enjoyed your article, and I think you’re going to have a really good time. Good luck!
Kathls
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 09:08 am: [report]
I’m going to my big brother’s wedding solo this Saturday. Even though he’s older I always figured he would never take the walk down the aisle. So I am feeling your distress at the prospect of interaction with nosy and slightly unthoughtful family members. But my plan of action is to quickly bring the focus back to the wedding, center pieces, outfits, what have you.
And who knows, maybe there will be nice eye candy to look at through the night, single or not
.
Good luck!
sophie19
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]
Hey, my sister got married while I was living in France, knowing full-well I wouldn’t be able to attend (and we actually like each other). So focus on how happy you are to be able to share this day with her!
As for me, I was so sad I wasn’t there, that I ended up taking the wrong bus home from work, and then walked across the city sobbing.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]
I would say that not having a guest or date to attend a wedding is sooo not a big deal. There shouldnt be the perceived need to pair up to show people that you too are involved with someone or at least have the possibility on the horizon. I have never been one of those guys who look to meet women at a wedding but Im sure if a woman had that inclination, bring a date to a wedding would be like driving a rental car to a BMW dealership….cant drive them both home and worrying about the rental sitting there will only hold you back.
retro chic
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
BMW to ECM, lol: the ever-popular woman/car analogy… But a good one! Luckily for you that car choice saved your sorry little Corolla in my (blue)book!
Anyway, it’s probably more of a big deal for us ladies—“Wedding Crashers” wouldn’t have been a hit the other way around. Sometimes we tend to meet men when we’re with them—no flirting, just the occasion. That said—I’d travel light and tight—no date, and ready to pass out dozens of business or personal cards, and invite the moves!
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
Wanted to say a few things.
First, I chose that analogy not because women can be viewed in the same fashion whatsoever or that all men like cars, just because I was trying to think of a situation where you would have two of something, one that you brought with you and one that you want.
Also, light and tight….cute and no comment
I think that it is maybe a bigger deal for women but I think that the reasoning just isnt there, it is more of a problem that seems to come from over analyzing a situation to me than a problem that would actually arise. Wedding crashers would have worked with the sexes reversed in my opinion, Im sure there were plenty of women who would have paid to see single ladies and their exploits with hot men at various weddings.
Anaxa
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
I’m going to my sister’s wedding solo—because she asked me to. I mean, I’m single, but I’ve got enough time and a lot of close guy friends, so I would’ve been able to pull off a date no sweat. Just be glad that your sister hasn’t requested your singleness so that you can “better focus on her happiness.” God forbid I try to enjoy that day, too.
katettt
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
I’m a tad creeped out - My name is Kate T and my sister Liz is getting married in 3 weeks AND I don’t have a date either! Ha!
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]
Kate, you should go either way and I dont think it will matter. Have a good time and dont even worry is your are there sans guest.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]
I think there is a difference to going stag/(female version of stag) and letting everyone know that you are going stag ie flaunting or decrying it.
wouldntitbenice
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
You’re there to focus on your sis, and a date would be distracting anyway. You won’t be lonely with all your friends and family there.
ps. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE post the wedding mix you created for sister, this bride-to-be needs some inspiration!
roastchicken
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 05:21 pm: [report]
My sister, who’s four years older than me, got married last year and I was her MoH. Everything about the wedding was perfect and great..up until the reception. I’d never really thought about not having a date for her wedding because I was so focused on helping her plan it. But let me tell you, even though I was surrounded by family and friends, I’d never felt so incredibly single in my life.
Ever.
But I put those feelings aside, for the sake of my sis, and had a great time without a date.
Anna Banana
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 08:21 am: [report]
I am so sorry Kate that your family bothers you about being single. :( I’m 30 and single, and fortunately my family doesn’t seem to care. Of course if they DID have something to say about it, they will surely get a tongue-lashing from me.
I guess, due to my family’s and my own nonchalant attitude about singleness, I don’t see how it’s a big deal that you don’t have a date to a family wedding. I can see showing up alone to a friend’s wedding where you hardly know anybody, and need a buddy to talk to, but other than that a date isn’t really needed. Plus, you’re free to hang out and dance with whoever you want to!
Have fun at your sister’s wedding, and if anybody asks why you don’t have a date, tell them to fix you up with somebody. That way, you put the ball in their court and you’re off the hook. 
jojo32
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
Just one quick word of advice…if you are someone whose emotions get the best of you under the influence of alcohol, try to avoid over doing it! My (ex) sister in law had sort of a similar issue at my wedding. Her brother is younger than she is, and all of her family asked her all night “When are YOU gonna get married” and so on. Mix that with drinking for about 6 hours and she ends up crying on the sidewalk by the end of the night. Not a fond memory.
And, BTW, your story made me think of what may happen at my brothers wedding. It’s coming up, and I’m bringing a date. I am recently divorced, so I’m sure I’ll be getting a fair amount of family saying things like “already moved on to the next one, huh?” and other similarly tactful comments. Oh well. Cheers!
Kate Torgovnick
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
Hey everyone,
Thanks so much for your notes. It’s been three days since I wrote this piece, and I already feel so much better about rocking this wedding, dateless. Very excited.
And Kate—that is crazy. Are we the same person?
ilovelamp
wrote on June 7 2009 @ 04:27 pm: [report]
I will also be the “dateless sister” in a few weeks. The funny thing is that I think it is more of a tragedy for my mother than for me. Apparently having a daughter with a boyfriend is more important than having a daughter with a PhD!
Kathls
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]
wedding update: it was boring as I assumed, and probably would have only been slightly more tolerable with a date. But at least my hair and makeup looked hot
, and I didn’t have to babysit anyone. A funny story afterward though is a friend of mine (who doesn’t know the bride or groom) ended up knowing someone who went to the wedding as well and thought I was ‘a looker’, lol. He’s married though—story of my life. But like I said, at least I looked hot 
BlueVibe
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]
Once again, I thank my lucky stars that my immediate family does not get on my case about getting married. I always go to weddings solo. I go to restaurants solo. I go to movies solo. What is the big $#@!ing deal??
I don’t have the I’m-a-busy-student or I’m-a-busy-career-girl excuse; I was just single. (I’m not now, but we’re not to the point where I’d invite him to a wedding. It would be awkward.)
What I think is especially weird is that people even *notice*. Why aren’t they paying more attention to the bride and groom? Who even cares if one of the cousins came dateless, anyway?