Girl Talk: When In A Relationship Do You “Let Yourself Go”?
Posted by: Jessica Wakeman
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Tuesday October 6th 2009
My plane landed after midnight last night. I could use about six more hours of sleep, and I’m not sure where, exactly, I stashed my hairbrush or my deodorant. Maybe I took a bath two days ago, but I honestly don’t remember. In any case, I haven’t shaved my legs and armpits for a week and my werewolf-ian brows need a good, thorough tweezing. But no matter! I’ve got on my leopard-print leggings and a hot pink t-shirt to, uh, deflect attention from all that.
I wouldn’t go into the office looking like this. Hell, I wouldn’t leave my apartment looking like this. So why is my boyfriend—the person I regularly depend on for oral sex and foot rubs—sitting just 10 feet away from me? Because I have gotten comfortable in our relationship. Perhaps too comfortable.
I’m one of those girls who has a closet full of basically unworn cute clothes and shoes because I go to work pretty much every day in flats and leggings or jeans. It’s not that I’m not in love with the cute dresses, skirts and heels I’ve spent so much money on—it’s just way more important to me to be comfortable. I hate teeter-tottering in heels. I hate tight clothes I have to suck my gut in to wear. I hate when the wind blows up a short skirt, and I especially hate being cold. Clothes and makeup and shoes and accessories can be really exhausting! Besides, being a writer, it really doesn’t matter what I look like while I’m working anyway.
My guy is more than happy about all this: In typical dude fashion, he prefers when I wear t-shirts and leggings to anything with lotsa buttons or straps which take longer to pull off and toss beside the bed. The night he met me I may have been all done up in a silk, raspberry-colored H&M dress, a long, flowing Ann Taylor loft necklace, and J.Crew heels, but he still looks at me the same way when I wake up next to him every morning in sweatpants and with crusties in my eyes. That’s love, right? Being that comfortable in a relationship?
I can’t help but worry sometimes though that I only whip out the blush and bronzer on the rare days I feel like dressing up for The Frisky office, while back at home I can most often be found in a pair of black sweatpants from Forever 21 that I bought back in 9th grade for gym class. (Seriously, though, those things are beyond comfy.) I’m not a slob or anything, but it seems like my honey-bunny is getting the short end of the Sexy Jessica stick. Or at least the be-sweat-panted end. And don’t mistakenly believe he’s dressing to impress either. Pajama bottoms and sweats might be my comfy uniform around the apartment, but he’s not exactly Don Draper in his jeans and t-shirts with quirky slogans on them.
However, we’re technically still in the honeymoon phase. His parents and my parents haven’t even met yet! We’ve only been dating each other for five months and we moved in with each other just two months ago. Our relationship has moved quickly, sure ... but have we moved so quickly towards being comfortable that we’ve stopped making an effort to impress each other?
I think I feel a little pressure to look cute around him because typically when a woman trades the lip gloss for the lip balm, and the Hanky Panky lace thong for the Gap cotton panties, people say she’s “let herself go.” I’ve always hated that phrase: “letting yourself go.” It’s so sexist, nearly always referring to a woman who has stopped dressing in a conventionally sexy way, as if it’s her job or something to look attractive for the men around her. Women have enough to deal with without fretting over how they look compared to airbrushed 19-year-olds in fashion magazines!
Nevertheless, looking cute for guys is a pervasive idea in our culture, one I don’t see going away. Whenever I do feel a little guilty for looking particularly grungy in front of my guy, I remind myself the things my dude loves about me—my smile, my silly sense of humor—have nothing to do with whether or not I spent 20 minutes daubing my face with a makeup sponge. He thinks I’m beautiful naturally, I remind myself, and it’s not fair to drive yourself crazy trying to look like other women do.
Some women, like me, would rather spend time reading, eating or sleeping than hand-washing clothes, picking up dry cleaning, or putting on makeup. But I’ll admit there’s still something to be said for good grooming/putting on actual clothes to keep the romance alive. That’s more of a “sometimes” thing, though, than an “every single day” thing. Occasionally, I’ll pull on stockings and a cute dress when we go out to dinner, or I’ll slip under the covers in some sexy lingerie while he’s brushing his teeth to surprise him when he gets back in bed. I think the surprise is even better because it’s fairly rare. He’s happy, I’m happy—we’re both happy the rest of the time in our comfy slob clothes. And ultimately, I firmly believe sweatpants make the best cuddling outfits: soft and comfy, easy to get out of, and easy to wash afterward. (Hee hee.)
What about you: Have you stopped making an effort to look cute in your relationship? You don’t need to be wearing a ball gown or a bespoke Paul Smith suit to snuggle, right?
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BedRocka
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:05 am: [report]
you let yourself go and he’ll be peaking around!! Comfort is good but don’t let yourself go!!
sammyisadog
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]
I like to think that I hate the phrase “let herself go,” but we’ve all struggled with being confident over our decision to wear the same collegiate gray sweatpants for the third day in a row when we sneak into bed with our significant others. Especially if we haven’t been sleeping in the same bed with this person for years. I mean, it’s true that it’s not as sexy as a racy negligee - and this is what our mothers and Cosmo have warned us about since we were very young girls. You must keep your hair done, your body toned, your legs shaved, and your face slathered in make-up. Or else.
Well, that’s not me… and I am not a fan of false advertising. The more sweatpants, the better, I say. After all, if you can’t be comfortable with each other, what are you doing there?
Emi
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:19 am: [report]
It’s been about two years and I haven’t. He told me the only thing he would mention is if I hadn’t shaved under my arms in a while because his Aunt had a rainforest going on under hers and it scarred him for life or something. lol
At home he prefers it when I wear one of his shirts (which are comfy anyway). I still shave/pluck regularly because I’m embarrassed of it more than anything.
subpar
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
I think that generally, being happy is what makes you attractive to other people, whether you’re happy about being single or happy in a relationship.
Sweatpants/leggings and no makeup are not a dealbreaker to someone that loves you already. As long as you’re not making a permanent imprint on the couch and wearing the same shirt five days in a row without showering, I don’t consider being your comfortable self “letting yourself go.”
Personally, I’ve found that in an extremely comfortable relationship, I’ll forgo makeup and overdo leggings, but my hair must be done. That’s how I’m comfortable, and it hasn’t been a problem.
bumbler
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
This is such a ridiculous thing to worry about. I don’t see my husband fretting over whether or not I’ll still think he’s attractive when he wears baggy, basketball shorts and free t-shirts on the weekend. Unless it’s a hygiene problem that indicates some sort of depression or mental illness we have just as much right to be comfortable in our own homes as men do.
majicksand
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
My husband and I were friends for so long before we got together that he knew exactly what he was getting into. I might dress up 2 or 3 times a year. Hey, I put on makeup for the wedding! What more do you want?
It’s not letting yourself go if that’s where you were to begin with.
BlueVibe
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:35 am: [report]
We both started out at comfortable, maintainable, levels of grooming and hygiene. Levels that we’d keep even if we were happily single. He’s A-OK with my no-makeup policy and has been warned that I shave legs once a week. Life is too short to spend that much time shaving.
Other than that, we both like to be reasonably clean, anyway. I don’t own any sweats. He does, but he never wears them out of the house.
hlh22
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]
I think that there’s a big difference between “letting yourself go” and getting comfortable. When my bf and I first started dating, I’d sacrifice being warm for the cuter, but much thinner sweater/blouse/low cut tee/etc. These days, he knows that I’m always cold and I don’t think twice about grabbing a hoodie before going to the movies because I know that it’s always cold in there. He knows that I’m more fun if I’m not freezing anyway. Plus, as long as it all comes off at the end of the night, who cares?
What wouldn’t be okay is: Gaining a bunch of weight and just not caring, not going to the gym anymore (I want him to stay toned, I should do the same, right?), forgetting basic hygiene (yep, showing daily is mandatory), etc.
skywalk
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:58 am: [report]
My husband loves when I run around the house in his cloths or sweat pants he thinks it hot that no matter what I wear I look adorable/hot. We went to our friends pool party but I didn’t bring a bathing suit (hadn’t found one that year yet) so I wore my guy friends shorts and t-shirt and on the way home he was like I couldn’t believe how hot you were in Tom’s cloths. I never wear make-up, I shave when I need/want to, I wash and wear my hair (because that is how I think it looks the best), I try to always wear decent cloths out, but sometimes I where t’shirts and jeans and sneakers. I guess I’m lucky because my husband thinks I’m hot all the time and I get more compliments on my hair and the fact I don’t wear make-up, from guys and girls saying I look great just the way I am. So be confident and always enjoy yourself when you can no matter what and it may not even seem like your “letting yourself go”
lea322
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
I actually find myself putting MORE effort into looking good when I’m in a happy, healthy relationship. If a guy makes me feel good, I feel more confident putting together outfits. And it makes me want to look good for him. But I’m still going to wear sweatpants when we’re on the couch watching a movie.
resullins
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]
@lea: I’m the same way. I love that he thinks I’m adorable any way I dress. But I love that when I take the time to do a little something extra, I feel more confident, he will put extra effort into dinner, etc.
I tend to dress up more often when I’m with him. Though today, I’ll admit, I’m in jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. My hair is pulled back, and I’m not wearing makeup… it happens.
sadie
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
I’ve been with my husband for 5 1/2 years so of course he’s seen me without make up and in sweats. That said, I absolutely have not “let myself go” nor has he. I put on make up pretty much every day, not tons, but some. I work out daily and watch my diet. I shower and shave daily to keep myself smelling nice and smooth. I wear deodorant. I keep my hands/feet manicured and pedicured. I expect my husband to do all these things too. Sure, we have our lazy Sundays where we lay around in our PJs all day, but on average, I’d say I put time into looking nice most days. I’m not uncomfortable in my marriage, I just feel better about myself when I look nice and consider my partner’s efforts to look nice a sign that he still cares about being attractive to me.
TuraLura
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
From the perspective of someone who has lived with a man for 4 years in a super-hot relationship, I understand where the “I-live-in-my-sweats” crowd is coming from, but ladies, you’re making a mistake. I mean, that is if one of your goals is to have a super-hot relationship yourself, of many years’ duration.
I think considering how beguiling you make yourself, just for you and your partner’s pleasure, is a key component to keeping the flames stoked in a long-term relationship. Most guys love their women for their amazing selves, sure, but love and sex aren’t necessarily inextricably linked for men. They may come to love you more and want you less- if you don’t work your sexy side at least a little bit, every now and then.
The average American couple only has sex 110 times a year- that’s about twice a week. If that works for you and your man, then you probably don’t have to worry, just keep doing what you’re doing…
Sweats have their place: doing yoga, having the flu, on days of horrible PMS or cramps. But otherwise please put on a cute outfit, have lots of fun with your loved one and make the world a better place. It doesn’t have to uncomfortable or complicated- silk pajamas are much cuter and sexier than sweatpants and tee shirts.
And for God’s sake, stop wearing sweats in bed! Invest in a nice warm comforter and get naked! After all, you have a man right there to keep you warm.
kevinh
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
ditto on the 2nd and 3rd to last sentences that Tura wrote…Im a human furnace, so its okay to use me as your blanket….
Lynn
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
@lea322 - same here! I put more effort in when I’m in a relationship so I look good for the guy I care about. If I’m single, I think “who the hell do I have to dress up for today? I’ll just hit snooze once more and wear some baggy jeans to work.” And it’s easier to gain 5 pounds if I know no one will notice!
Of course he’s seen me without makeup and with grody hair. (I’m sick, I’m late, I’m just really not feeling it). And he never makes me feel bad about those days, and still tells me I’m as pretty as ever. But those days are the exception.
FWIW we’ve been dating about 2 years now.
sarahprotzman
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
@lea322, you said it!
“I actually find myself putting MORE effort into looking good when I’m in a happy, healthy relationship.”
I love to ‘get all cute’ for my man!
sarahprotzman
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
And further, doesn’t The Frisky write all the time about how men DON’T equate looking hot with looking like you’re about to go clubbing in Murray Hill? Without spending hours, a women can look VERY put together without looking overdone. To insinuate that the opposite of heels and full makeup is to “let yourself go” is much too simplified.
Queen Frostine
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:24 pm: [report]
majicksand said it best “It’s not letting yourself go if that’s where you were to begin with.”
My husband and I are two very, very casual people. I don’t think I ever dressed up for a date. The first time we had sex we were both wearing cartoon underwear, me in Garfield and he in Looney Tunes. That’s not to say I don’t own lingere or dresses or heels, or that he doesn’t own a suit or nice slacks. It’s just always been a special occasion thing for us.
majicksand
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:45 pm: [report]
@Queen Frostine: Thanks. I gotta admit I was pretty proud of that line. haha
joyy
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:47 pm: [report]
@QF&majik; - indeed. I was never the type to dress up, and the bf never minded in possibly the worst part of my life for ‘letting myself go’: college. I’ve gotten a bit girlier with my style over the years as my income leaned farther and farther away from like, minimum wage and I could afford stuff that actually looked decent.
He’s also super active so living with him for over two years now has kept that going quite possibly more than I would have just on my own.
Also, I’m permanently in the honeymoon phase if its end is marked by both sets of parents meeting each other. There is just NO need for that
uconngirl
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:30 pm: [report]
When he wears good jeans and a button down after work/on the weekends instead of free college tshirts and basketball shorts, then I will stop wearing my stretchy yoga pants and tank tops and put together a cute outfit that he doesn’t notice, understand, nor care about. Such are the perks of being with a sports playing and watching tech guy. Minuses are no gourmet meals cooked for me unless you count fried egg sandwiches
bumbler
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:46 pm: [report]
@Tura dressing up may be how you keep things hot but don’t assume that’s how it is for everyone. My husband still wants to tear my clothes off when I’ve been sitting in bed for 4 days with the flu. If it works for you that’s great but some of us have long term relationships that are incredibly hot all while wearing pajamas.
writergirl
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:40 pm: [report]
I learned this lesson the hard way.
When we first met and started dating, I used to dress better and rarely wore jeans. I never wore sneakers outside of the gym. My hair was done in something more than a pony tail, my make up was done. I was skinnier and younger, my skin perfect.
Then life happened and we—emphasis on the we—got comfortable. And I will say it was a detriment on our sex life. He had little to no interest in me, and I had no interest, period.
He said it was that we were “out of synch”—he wanted sex in the morning, I had no interest—but I noticed that there was a discernable difference in our sex life when I was working out and making an effort with my looks than when there wasn’t.
So, I’ve made more of an effort. I’m still not one of these Suzy Homemakers like my girlfriend who puts on clean clothes and fresh make up before her husband comes home, but I do try to be presentable on the weekends and some nights when he comes home at a decent hour. (My husband comes home every night at 8. Sorry. Can’t do make up, “nice” clothes until 8 every night. I’m routinely in sweats by 6)
When we go out, I definately try to dress up if the occasion so dictates. It has made a difference and since I was making an effort, he made more of one as well.
dizzy
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 06:07 pm: [report]
I am with lea322. I make more of an effort to look good now that I’m in a relationship. I never wanted to try too hard while I was looking so as to attract a man who would not be pleased by looking normal. But now that I’ve snagged a winner - va-voom! This is someone that I will always want to keep happy. And couples that look good for each other are happier in the end.
sesl
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 06:12 pm: [report]
I’m with lea322 and Lynn. I’m in a really healthy, happy relationship right now and while I don’t go out of my way and make myself uncomfortable, I like being cute for my boyfriend. I should say that I’m one of those girls that doesn’t leave the house without eyeliner and mascara in her purse, I’ve been taking care of my nails since I was in middle school, and I don’t like wearing tennis shoes unless I’m working out so those things are the same no matter what my relationship status is.
I’m a graduate student, so I spend a lot of time in jeans and a t-shirt when I’m just reading or grading, but I try to take care of myself and be cute when I can just cause I think it’s fun. Also, when I’m happy and confident, I think I just look better, even if I’m in pjs, and my boyfriend sees that. My ex-boyfriend put a lot of pressure on me to be ‘hot’ so I became very self-conscious and insecure which is just not a good look, no matter how many hours you spend in the gym or how cute your outfit is. Now that I’m happy and comfortable in my relationship and myself I feel attractive all of the time, which is attractive to my boyfriend.
IronSatan
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 09:40 pm: [report]
The sad truth is most cheating starts when a girl or guy, yes us guys do it too, let themselves go. The reason being is that when they go out and see those who are still trying to attract in the skimpy shorts and the muscle shirts they cant help but remember how good u used to look and how different it is now. I don’t mean to be a pessimist but u deserve the best and so does ur parter. It may be inconvenient but hell the sex is great after they cant resist u anymore and pounce.
canadiancutie
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:38 pm: [report]
No, in a relationship I do not “let myself go” because being fit and attractive is about me, not about the guy’s feelings towards me or what he thinks of how I look. In or out of a relationship, I do what I can to look the best that I can, because my self-esteem is not dependent on the love of a man or how comfortable he makes me feel.
canadiancutie
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 06:09 am: [report]
OK, I’m going to temper that a little bit. I do what I can to look the best that I can WITHIN REASON - this means that I always make sure that my hair looks perfect, my eyeliner is meticulously applied, I’m dressed in a way that is form-fitting and sexy but not at the expense of my comfort (do I have to wiggle when I walk because my skirt is too short and tight?) At the same time, I always wear flats and that’s constant with or without a man by my side, I rarely do anything with my nails, also constant with or without a man by my side, and I do situps daily, with or without a man, etc. So basically, I don’t let myself go; rather, I don’t deviate from my routine in the slightest. If he wants it, he’s going to have to take it exactly the way the rest of the world gets it, and always had before he came along.
spatula
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 09:10 am: [report]
I totally agree with @canadiancutie!! “Being fit and attractive is about me, not about the guy’s feelings toward me”
To me it kind of goes along with what @majicksand said about “it’s not letting yourself go if thats where you were to begin with” ...inversely, my dressing cute, keeping my nails painted and being well groomed at all times is not something temporary that I was doing to “get” or impress a guy, so I’m not going to stop doing it once I “get comfortable”.
Lauren Fritsky
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
When I think of the term letting yourself go, I think of weight gain and the formation of a unibrow. I don’t think it necessarily has anything to do with how you dress or whether or not you put on make-up. Those things have more to do with overall effort. Letting yourself go is when you pretty much stop taking care of your body and hygiene. I don’t think you’re quite there, Jessica.
C.Munro
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]
Yeah, I’d have to say that wearing jeans and sneakers is not at all letting oneself go. Not shaving? That’s kinda lazy, but it doesn’t take all that long to shave the growth off. Now when hygiene suffers, that’s when you’ve let yourself go.
nonenone
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
dude, that’s gross… so if you end up marrying this guy, are you gonna dress like a slob for ever?? jeez, wanting to look good has nothing to do with sexism… i think you’re just using that as a crutch, and an excuse for why you’re LAZY
MirandaMay
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
What I love about being in a relationship (specifically a really good one) is that I have more natural confidence, sans mascara and hairspray. Actually, my lover made a point after a few months of togetherness to ask me to STOP blowdrying my hair—he hated the way it smelled. So I let it go naturally. Now he insists that I wear it down because he loves it just the way it is, uncut for 6 months and a little fluffy. So it is a boost for me to put on a pretty face, but I still get more whispers of my wonderfulness while bare faced first thing in the morning. And that is the best.
ootie
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years and I still put the same effort into my appearance as I always have. That doesn’t mean I’m always in makeup and sexy outfits, but I don’t like hanging out with him nearly as much if I haven’t showered yet that day or if I’m wearing something really unflattering. I don’t like feeling unattractive around him, even though I know he doesn’t care.
GirlieKJ
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 09:26 am: [report]
There is a happy medium here: You can look hot and sexy as hell in clothes that are very comfortable, but also super cute! Hello fitted tanks with built in bras, stretch capris, yoga pants, basically anything form fitting and meant for working out looks HOT and is ridiculously comfortable. It’s a WIN WIN! .... oh and my boyfriend would have to agree with this too
Lynn
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]
@ MirandaMay - the way it smells? Does your hairdryer have some sort of smell or did he mean products you put in it before blowing it out? I’m confused, I don’t think I’ve ever noticed a smell while blowing out my hair
Jenbug
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 04:43 pm: [report]
Immediately
maggiebee
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 03:04 pm: [report]
I have to say: I don’t “let myself go,” per se, but I *have* noticed that I tend to gain a coupla pounds when with a dude. But this is less about comfort with said dude, and more about lack of sexual frustration. No sex makes me feel nauseous - I know that’s weird. Regular sex? I eat more….
Current boyfriend likes this state of affairs but I’ve gotta say, it’s a side effect of relationships that doesn’t make *me* very happy.
RahRah
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
When I let myself go I am a terribly unhappy person. Why would someone want to date that?