Girl Talk: Why Some Guys Date Train Wrecks
Posted by: Lauren Fritsky
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Monday July 6th 2009
I will never forget the feeling in my stomach the night I found out the guy I was dating was still sleeping with his ex.
The fact that he was canoodling with any other woman behind my back was bad enough. The fact that it was ex added insult to injury. But what really made me want to throw up was that she was a complete and utter train wreck.
We all know train wrecks. She’s your college roommate who drank every night, never went to class and slept with the football team. She’s your friend whose favorite hobbies are causing drama and being self-destructive. She’s all the girls from “Rock of Love.” And sometimes, she’s the girl your man leaves you for.
Now, why, you might ask, would any guy in his right mind want a woman whose life is always falling apart over one who has her’s together? The obvious answer, and the one supported by many a shrink, is that my man “needed to feel needed,” something that doesn’t always happen when dating an independent woman.
In my case, it wasn’t just that I was better on paper—I had just graduated college, had a good job and was supporting myself. It was also that the other girl had the emotional intelligence of a sea sponge and some serious mental issues. Her sole confidant was her Livejournal and she had even threatened suicide at one point. And every time she made a mess of her life, my guy, I came to find out, relished mopping it up.
Guys who love a train wreck “have low self-esteem,” says relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle. “The best way to raise it is to put themselves in the control position of someone less capable than they are.”
OK, that makes sense. But why do these guys go for capable women to begin with? Can’t they spare us the wasted time and aggravation and go straight for their true prize?
No, because some women who “seem” independent at first actually are needy, explains Debra Berndt, another relationship expert. So, these backbone-lacking beaus stick around until they figure you out, and if you’re not what they expect, they move onto a girl who is. The flip side is that some women start out reliant but get more independent as they mature.
So how can you avoid guys like this? First off, learn about their past relationships. When I discovered my guy’s crazy ex, I should have bolted in the other direction. Any man who will put up with a woman like that for that length of time thrives on hellish, not healthy, partnerships. Also check for a mother, sister or other female relative of his that has train wreck traits.
If a guy says things like, “I can’t do anything right” or “You never let me help you,” they too can be signs he digs dating disasters. And if he talks about women in general like they’re damsels to be saved, consider checking out of the relationship early.
I’m not sure if my former flame and his “Fatal Attraction”-esque female ever wound up together. But if they didn’t, I’d bet money he’s off somewhere rescuing some other wreck. I’m just glad it’s not me.
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Humble Bee
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 10:18 am: [report]
My ex would ALWAYS say, ‘You never let me help you’...
how creepy. He was really needy though.
Jessica Wakeman
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 10:34 am: [report]
Yeah, I definitely know some creepily paternalistic dudes who date and/or marry train wrecks.
Some people just thrive on drama — they feel more emotionally engaged when they’re fighting, or crying, or taking a stand for or against something. It’s best to avoid them.
Shasta
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
Interesting all the way around.
I agree with the self-esteem thing. More importantly, we women must understand that just because a guy leaves us DOES NOT MEAN THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH US.
In this case it’s just the opposite. It’s amazing how ingrained that notion is in us. @Lauren sounds totally together, yet also like she has a nagging self-doubt.
I think it may be an age think. Once you reach 30 you’ve typically experienced enough crazy and dysfunctional dudes to finally realize it’s not you.
Unfortunately, it’s not easy getting to that place.
moonblossom
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
My ex always said I was mean…what does that mean? HAHAHA
HappyDude
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 11:59 am: [report]
I agree that men who marry train wrecks probably have co-dependence issues, a need to feel needed and be a “white knight”. Also, like some women, some men are just drawn to drama and chaos.
Men date and sleep with train wrecks because girls with low self esteem are usually wild in bed. “Crazy chicks” are far more likely to agree to threesomes, backdoor action, trips to strip clubs, or any other number of things that a lot of dudes desire but are sometimes to shy to ask the “good girls” in their life for (or ask and get shot down). In the short run, train wrecks are fun. In the long run they’ll end up wrecking your car, sleeping with your best friend, or any other number of horrible things, but in the short run? Their antics are entertaining and compelling.
Shasta’s comment is right on that this is sometimes a younger guy thing (but some guys retain “young guy” attitude well into their 30s and 40s).
jojo32
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 01:26 pm: [report]
Ugh well this is quite depressing for me right now. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend because his “train wreck” ex wife was calling him from the hospital…she tried to kill herself with pills. What am I doing???
roastchicken
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
@ jojo32: Yikes! I say, he seriously needs to cut ties with her. Hopefully they don’t have children together. If he feels the need to be by her side, dump him. Seriously!
One of my exes had a girlfriend who “just happend” to develop stomach cancer around the time they broke up, and claimed to be having emergency surgery around the time of our second date. He spent so much time worrying about her that he didn’t pay much attention to me. It turns out she lied about the whole thing just to get him away from me..even though she didn’t want him for herself.
If he lets her linger in his life, you need to get out as soon as you can!! She’s his ex for a reason.
sparklestar
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
jojo32 - RUNNING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION I hope. It’s horrible but you need to be out of the situation. His focus is not on you if he is still answering the phone to her and allowing her to play with him like that.
I can’t decide if I am a train wreck or not… I don’t think I am.
krisDlea
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 06:58 pm: [report]
were we dating the same loser? because the same thing happened to me recently - creep with sleeping with his ex the entire last year he and I were together. loser!
Ms.NGuerrero
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 07:20 pm: [report]
Aye! this sounds like my ex-ex! he would show up at 2am at my window ( mind you i still lived with my parents) and complain that I never had time for him when i had to be at school at 8am! and then he would continue to moan and groan about how he felt like i didnt need him, and was too independent- but when i tried to break up with him- he still kept showing up!! im like what the hell???? im too independent for you-but ur still here!!!
anger!
oh my…
Heather
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 08:30 pm: [report]
This is dead on! I found it out the hard way. My ex-bf let me walk away for a train wreck: she’s 10 years younger than him and I, had cheated on him the last time they dated and treated him like #&@$% repeatedly while they were “friends” in the interim and was still living with the guy that she cheated on him with when she decided she wanted him back.
I was way better on paper (and in person, I might add): College grad, had a career, supporting myself, have a life .. all of it. Her: No career, barely a job, wanted to move out of the other guy’s home into his, etc.
A few months ago, I saw her for the first time ... and to top it all off, SHE’S UGLY!
I had three distinct emotions very quickly: 1. Evil glee that she’s ugly; 2. Confusion about how he could let me walk away for that; and 3. Ahhh, he’s obviously way more f-ed than I thought.
And then I was well and truly over it.
canadiancutie
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 09:01 pm: [report]
Heather, that was an awesome story.
Em.El.E.
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 09:32 pm: [report]
O goodness!! I can totally relate!!! Although i end up finding out about the train wrecks before it gets too far into the relationship! The guy ii was talking to a few months ago had a thing for younger girls with drinking issues and is continuously taking back his cheating ex….
My best friends are guys and they are always dating girls that are a good 6 years younger than them… i always used to blame it on the fact those those were the only girls stupid enough to deal with the stupid stuff that they do, but this makes sooo much more sense!!!! they are just insecure and need to be needed… haha im thinking i shouldnt tell them this incredible news… might tick them off… haha stupid boys
MissChaotic
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 10:15 pm: [report]
I had a guy dump me because I wasn’t an emotional wreck. I also had a guy who was banging his #&@$% up ex.
Wow. You just penned my life story.
TotallyRidiculous
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 10:19 pm: [report]
I think another reason some guys date train wrecks is because they feel like those are girls they can just use and throw away.
kyd22
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 12:14 am: [report]
the funny thing about the last guy i dated like this is we totally had a conversation about men who do this, where he said he couldn’t understand guys like that! i totally ignored the warning signs though (last few girlfriends were cuckoo, mom always in crisis mode). lesson learned
jojo32
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 06:21 am: [report]
@roastchicken,
They do have a son together. A son who she gave up all rights to and my boyfriend raises their son by himself.
She is a true and perfect example of a train wreck. But she is his childs mother…
I Go To 11
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 08:00 am: [report]
I briefly dated a guy like this a few years ago. His ex was just a mess; drug addict, selling her body on the streets for crack, he caught her in bed with her pimp…and yet he still loved her! He told me he cut ties with her after the pimp thing, but I found out through a friend that he started seeing the ex again behind my back. It ended after that.
I Go To 11
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 08:18 am: [report]
I forgot to mention, there was a 13-year age gap between me and the above mention train wreck lover, so he was definitely beyond the “young man” theory!
assilem
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 08:53 am: [report]
My ex broke up with his girlfriend and then pretty much begged me to make our relationship exclusive. I should have known when he wanted to spend every moment with me that there were going to be issues because that was the kind of relationship he just got out of. His ex would call him almost every day, she stopped eating and had a medical condition that only worsened because of that. She was still bugging him to give her golfing lessons, which he might have even done. He finally broke up with me, got back together with her, and less than a year later, they will be married. He had already cheated on her several times with other women, attempted to cheat on her with me, etc.—that I can’t imagine that marriage lasting for any length of time. But, he wanted the crazy girl who couldn’t live without him, who wanted him to open every door for her and take care of her, and that was not me at all. The only thing I told him when he left for the crazy girl is that I could get his mediocre sex anywhere…
bbpickles
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
My most recent ex told me, at one point, that he is a slut magnet. He also said he was relieved to finally be with someone who had her #&@$% together…...
I should have bolted right then! He hasn’t EVER been with someone that wasn’t a train wreck. He’s 29, and I don’t think he will ever date a “normal” girl!
My friend is marrying a man who’s ex is a train wreck. She(the ex)called him about a month ago and told him she made a mistake and wanted him back. She cheated on him, treated him like crap blah blah blah! O, the wedding is next weekend! She waited until a month before his wedding to pull that crap!! CRAZY!
roastchicken
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
@ jojo32: Ooh, that complicates things a bit. I’m obviously no expert but, I say you need to get outta dodge fast. If this situation with his ex is bothering you now, just remember that she’s never going away. You said it yourself, she’s the child’s mother..therefore she’ll always be in your boyfriend’s life.
Best of luck to you.
bogart4017
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
Happydude and totallyridiculous hit it spot on.
They can be a lot of fun briefly but you don’t take them seriously and they are not long term relationship material. Get your kicks and get lost. And never give them your address or home phone number). You will wind up filing a police report and leaving town.
Loves2Spooge
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
I have dated train wrecks as well as level-headed girls. The level-headed ones make the better girlfriends and generally make me happier. What attracted me to the train wrecks? Mostly their physical appearance and the excitement associated with them. The fact that it took me a while to realize they were train wrecks contributed mightily…
How is this different from woman dating the “bad boy” image? You know, why be stuck on a tattooed, motorcycle riding, ex con with no high school degree when there are plenty of other guys out there with no criminal records, college degrees and no penchant for danger? It goes both ways.
bumbler
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
Crazy likes crazier. Makes them feel more sane.
mlyway
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
Being on the wild side however does not make someone a train wreck..as long as you still are grounded.
But it is disheartening to read so many negative comments about these so-called train wrecks. You don’t know what people have been through, and I do truly believe that ‘train wrecks’ can be helped. My boyfriend of 3 years has put up with me cheating on him (only once), remaining close friends with exes, and having my emotional highs and lows. And I can honestly say that he did ‘save’ me, and he helped me become a better, well-rounded person. But he never tried to change me - he was a little wild when we first started dating, but we began to change together. He is very independent (6 years older than me, he is 24) and he has his own place and a career. But I never let myself be dependent on him. My point is that although I have had my problems and ‘train wreck’ moments, my boyfriend never tried to be a saviour for me in any way.
And to sit and judge ‘train wrecks’ as crazy, wild, relationship-ruining people is wrong. Because no one knows what other people have been through. That said, someone whose boyfriend is cheating on them is going to be hurt and angry. And I believe that the cheater is more at fault than the mistress because mistresses tend to be vulnerable who are looking for love, appreciation, and affection in all the wrong places.
SugarBombPandaFish
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 05:13 am: [report]
How embarrassing! I’ve certainly been “that” girl—one of my friends affectionately calls me her “favorite disaster”! (I’d like to mention that I’m not a complete, full-fledged, oh-my-god-she’s-here-do-we-know-where-all-the-fire-extinguishers-are-located-? girl, I swear!) That said, doesn’t everyone have that one person, or that era of their life where they went batshit nuts? I don’t really see anything wrong with it; some people need to be needed, and some need to need, right? Good luck to ‘em!
ssLovesPink
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
Omg, so if this blog doesn’t sum up my last relationship, holy hell, idk what else to say
Me and my ex, “G” dated fora whole year. Our relationship was perfect the first 6 months. We were in the “honeymoon” phase. We were inseperateble. Now, a month later in the relationship, I noticed he would’nt let me have his phone. (I used to play on his phone, he has a g-phone) and he would always keep it with him (sorta strange if i do say so myself)
Let me back it up some, when we first started dating, I snooped in his phone, and found all sorts of texts from “P”.
I told my bff about it, and she suggested that i confront the dbag of it, but since it was all too new, I decided not to..
My mistake. When I did confront the dbag of it,he said that they “dated” a while back.
So, here’s the lowdown…
“G” is a huge, WOW player, he met “P” on WOW. “P” had a bf/now fiance. Her and her fiance live in a completely different state then “G” and I do.
He started talking to “P”. “P” is a bit older then “G” is..
“P” used to work at Nordstorms.. She eneded up breaking her back. THe doctors told her she had a degenerative desease, and she cannot walk/ stand for more than a couple of hrs. “P” currently has no job, her fiance does.
“P” also tried to committ suicde a couple of months ago, bc her own finace didn’t care to be with her that much, for he was at work and super stressed.
Anyways..
This girl has no college education- dropped out of college to get married to her fiance (yet they still aen’t too sure of what they are going to do) and is comepletely in love with “G”
“G” is madly in love with this girl. He went to see her for two weeks after “reconsidering” he and I go back out Psh- Ha!!
My big mistake was that I was his first relationship.
THis girl, has wayyy too many problems and he’s incvolving himself with it all!
And he bitched at me because i would complain about my day! wow..
But, the real question that I’m so glad I found my answer to, thnaks to this amazing blog is why?
terybery
wrote on July 12 2009 @ 04:42 pm: [report]
I feel like someone turned on the light! I have been dating for so long and I feel like I could write a book on this type because I seem to be a magnet to them. I am a post grad, great career, and 37 but don’t look a day over 25. I attract all ages and all kinds…...I have been dumped so many times for the ex that has issues. I even swore off dating for a long time and the minute I stuck my head back out there to see who was available-first guy I meet-has issues with the ex….....except that time-I kicked myself to the curb. I wish sometimes it didn’t take so long to figure it out, so now I hope to get the timing down and maybe, just maybe I will meet someone emotionally balanced-aka “normal”.