Girl Talk: Why Are Men Reluctant To Date A Woman With A Disability?
Posted by: Melissa Blake
Filed in:
relationships
1:00PM, Wednesday October 14th 2009
I recently met David through my blog. He was charming, witty and funny. After a bit of friendly Twirting (flirting via Twitter, the equivalent of computer footsie), he said he thought I was pretty funny too and even admitted to being a bit intimidated when I told him how strong my physical disability, Freeman-Sheldon Syndrome, had made my arms. This bone and muscular disorder has resulted in more than 26 surgeries to correct joint contractures, scoliosis and to straighten my leg muscles. You’d be amazed how strong my arms could get just from using a walker for 20+ years. They’re like giant muscles of steel, only smaller and dotted with cute freckles.
Well, this was a first, so feeling a bit bold, I asked him to guest-post from the male perspective on a question that has nagged me since my days in high school when I’d look at other girls and how the guys easily flocked to them. The question: Why are guys so reluctant to date – at the very least, approach – a woman with a disability?
When I was 17, I made a list in my journal of traits I wanted my future husband to possess ... nowhere on that list did it say “someone who will tend to every one of my needs at the expense of his own.”
His response: “Men are lazy.”
I thought his honesty was refreshing (heck, sexy even) at first. Here was a guy with enough decency to be open and honest with me instead of placating me and treating me like a breakable, fragile China doll. It seemed too good to be true, which is probably why the feeling didn’t last long.
You see, honesty is only attractive if it’s true. The more I thought about his “laziness” explanation (which was quite a lazy one at that; irony, anyone?), the more it started to seem like one of those Warhead candies I used to love as a child. They’re sweet on the outside, but suck on that candy long enough and you eventually find yourself at its sour center.
Insults sugar-coated as compliments aren’t honesty. They’re cop-outs. Big time. David wasn’t trying to let me down gently. He was just trying to let himself off the hook.
It’s 2009. Why are men still looking at women with disabilities like we are weak creatures, confined to our beds all day, helpless and dependent on others for every little need, unable to work? Here’s the thing: We’re like the Visa card. Women with disabilities are everywhere, and everywhere you want to be, so you just might as well stop even trying to outrun us. We’re real, live, thriving women. We’re not aliens. We have the same wants, passions, desires and (gasp!) needs as able-bodied women.
I’ve seen the stares from guys—and I’m not talking about seductive stares either, here. The look makes me feel like I’m some sort of freak of nature. Sometimes it’s impossible to believe that I could have a chance for love in the “real world.” I may be different, but I still fall asleep at night dreaming of someone lying next to me, someone who sees me and not just my disability. I’ve never understood why it sounded like such a tall order coming from me when millions of other women ask for the same thing. There’s this misconception that love and having a romantic relationship isn’t something women with disabilities need. That misconception, obviously, couldn’t be farther from the truth.
I’ve heard many excuses over the years, as I’ve navigated the dating waters as a disabled woman. Here are just a few of the things men have said about the prospect of dating a woman like me and what I would like to say to them in return.
I’m Too “Lazy” To Approach Her
Translation: Wouldn’t it just be easier to find a hot able-bodied blonde with blue eyes?
Come on now. You expect me to believe the same guys who will spend hours planning and checking and re-checking their Fantasy Football lineup are lazy? If you really care about someone – and you actually take the time to get to know them beyond a birthmark – you’d drop that lazy act like a sack of hot potatoes. And didn’t your mother ever tell you that the greatest effort yields the greatest reward?
Now, I’m not asking for forever here—I know that would send some men running in the other direction. But what about a smile back if I smile at you instead of seeing that uncomfortable gaze cross your face, like I’m mentally trying to undress you in public (which, by the way, I’m not). Heck, I’m not even asking you out to dinner, unless I’m feeling exceptionally confident that day. I’m just asking you not to be so quick in dismissing me—the one girl you could so easily overlook—and take a chance. Sure, you could probably get a date with any blonde beauty, but does she have a kick-ass sense of humor? Can she name all 50 states in the U.S. in alphabetical order? Now tell me that’s not hot!
I’m Intimidated By Her
Translation: Hmm, have I met my match? Will she call me out?
If you’re intimidated by me – a woman with a friendly smile who has to stand on her toes just to pass for 4-feet tall, then, honey, you’ve got more problems than I’m equipped to deal with. Might I refer you to a professional?
OK, so I can be intimidating in my wheelchair, which is slightly larger than I am. And yes, I am disarmingly honest and straight-forward and a bit awkward (in a female Michael Cera-esque way), but I’ve found that sometimes, being intimidated by someone in a good way makes things even more exciting and makes you want to get to know the other person that much more. Plus, I’m probably one of the quietest, unassuming girls you’ll ever meet. Really, not so scary.
Will I Be Able To Take Care Of Her?
Translation: How much work is this woman going to be?
I’ve lived – and thrived – through some 26 surgeries and hundreds of hospitalizations. If anything, I’ll be the one taking care of you, and I wouldn’t see it as a burden or something to be afraid of, either. When you love someone, it’s not that hard. Really.
When I was 17, I made a list in my journal of traits I wanted my future husband to possess. On top of the list were caring, sensitive and a guy with a Chandler Bing sense of humor. Those desires of mine haven’t changed, and, surprisingly, nowhere on that list did it say “someone who will tend to every one of my needs at the expense of his own.” My disability wasn’t an issue for me then, and it isn’t an issue now.
Will She Be Able To, You Know … ?
Translation: Will I have to life a celibate life, or at least upgrade my cable porn package?
What’s that? It’s OK. You can say the word. Sex. It’s not like I haven’t heard it before. And, just so you can rest a little easier, no—I haven’t decided to become a nun and dedicate my life to all things celibacy (see how ridiculous that sounds?).
Will My Friends And Family See Past Her Physical Disability?
Translation: Will I be ashamed of her?
I’m not a psychologist, but it’s obvious how blatantly transparent that question is. And if we’re being honest, it’s not really your friends and family you’re worried about, is it? More often than not, you don’t even care what they think .... If you’re honestly concerned that you might be ashamed of me, move along now.
Will I Be Able To Take Her Out In Public Without People Staring?
Translation: See above.
First, thank you so much. Before you, I had never seen the light of day before. You’ve opened up a whole new world for me. But maybe you’re right. Maybe I just shouldn’t be going out and be around other people. Maybe it’d be best if I just stayed in my room all day, watching the colorful world go by outside my window. After all, I wouldn’t want to scare anyone, right?
The fact is, when you’re really into someone, you’re proud to be seen with them. Anywhere.
My father died six years ago. I’ve seen the look in my mother’s eyes when she looks at photos of him: a smile crosses her face as if it is her wedding day all over again. Shouldn’t everyone get to feel that romantic happiness? Don’t be deceived: I am an independent woman, but I still want someone to sit on the porch with someday. All the excuses in the world aren’t going to stop me from finding The One, but it does make me disheartened when I see otherwise great guys give me the brush-off because they see my disability as a relationship dealbreaker.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
brandyalexander
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]
Melissa, that’s amazing. Its going to be hard finding someone who really deserves you - it is for all of us, though we may face different challenges. Let us know when you find him!
RemixCity
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
Melissa, You said it perfectly.
I worked as a computer tech with the Disabled Student Services at a local college and as such there was policy between me and the female students I worked for, so any relationships were out of the question. Beyond work I just didn’t know anyone with a disability.
Beyond that I have had this conversation with a few of them and their insights mirror yours.
In addition to what you’ve highlighted I think another large problem is how able bodied society view people with disabilities. Most human technology rarely takes the perspective of the disabled community in consideration. As such there are many workarounds to issues that could have been addressed in the original design of the product in the first place. People still have to rally to make sure ADA laws are respected. As a society we have failed to be truly equitable and really open minded.
Most of what we do everyday affirms we should be physical and superficial and judge with our eyes first, and this goes for men and women. How many magazines and blogs are quick to point out flaws real or perceived in anybody? There are countless things to “look” for etc.
I could go on but in the end I think the best thing is that there truly is someone for everyone and one day you will find your prince who will love you just the way it ought to be.
I wish you all the best and this was a great read.
Laurel
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
Great article Melissa! It’s nice to see some diversity in these parts.
majicksand
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 04:03 pm: [report]
I would think the number one question someone would ask themselves when contemplating a relationship with a disabled person is: Will this person be able to share in my favorite activities? Needless to say, that question shouldn’t prevent a smile or friendly conversation, but it is a major consideration for any relationship.
sadie
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 04:04 pm: [report]
Melissa, I completely understand your frustration and can imagine dating with a disability is tough but I wouldn’t attribute this reluctance to men only. There are some legitimate trade offs that come with having a disabled partner and I can understand why they might be deal breakers for some people of either gender. You will find a guy who can see past the disability and appreciate you for who you are, but in the meantime try not to let the guys not willing to get involved bother you. They’re not bad people, they just aren’t the ones for you. (Trust me, the same can be said of lots of guys who’ve passed on dating able bodied girls for whatever reason.)
BackdoorMan
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 04:20 pm: [report]
My wife was in a car accident that broke her back a month after we were married. She was able to walk again after a few months but suffered permanent nerve damage from the waist down. We have been married for fifteen years now and have a 12 year old son together. To be honest with you I am not sure I would have married her if she would have been that way when we met. At the time I was sin my twenties and very selfish. I don’t regret it now, we have a wonderful life together. It has been hard at times though.
dumb_brute
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 06:02 pm: [report]
Forgive me if this seems harsh: my guess is that men want to hear more than just an assurance that you aren’t celibate. I’m not saying that’s a good justification; I’m only saying I think that’s probably something men are thinking about.
nolatastic
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 07:56 pm: [report]
Melissa - love this post! I have cerebral palsy, and until I was 19 I never seriously dated anybody. I realized that most able-bodied guys didn’t see me as a girl, but rather some sort of sexless person. I met my now-ex boyfriend five years ago, and at first things were fantastic. Then I figured out that he thought he would have to take care of me for the rest of my life. At the same time, he started to resent when I did ask for help because he thought I was just being lazy. I can take care of myself, thank you very much! I recently met a guy who also has a physical disability, and even at this early stage it’s a relief to know he understands I can take care of myself.
Kari Fuller
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 08:39 pm: [report]
I have a simple question for those who wonder about dating someone with a disability, would you leave your BF/GF, husband, wife, child, parent, etc if they became disabled? Would you love that person any less? Things happen over the course of a relationship that can change the physical or mental characteristics of the other person and if that is not a deal-breaker for you than neither should dating or being with someone with a disability at the beginning and in my opinion, it would be easier to adjust.
My father became disabled at work when I was 12, he broke his back which led to numerous other problems and finally his death in 2006, almost 17 years later. My mother loved him before and after his accident and still loves him, three years after his death. She had times when she had to take care of him of course, but no more so than you would take care of your spouse when they get the flu…..it was just a little harder for her to lift my 6 foot 5, 350 lb father. In 2008, my husband, who I have been with for nine years and have two children with (we have four total) was on his second tour in Iraq when he had a, for lack of a better word, mental breakdown. He was disagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety. And it was a good thing, because it was later discovered, after he came back to the US, that he also had a blood clot in his hand, which has permanently damaged his hand, chronic back and neck problems, degenerative knee disease, permanent ankle damage, a traumatic brain injury, chronic migraines, asthma, possible COPD, and hearing loss in both ears. He is 27. And guess what? I still love him, I still have him, my children still have a father, and despite his disabilities he is still the man I feel in love with and I would have loved him if he had all of this going on when we met. Why? Because we shouldn’t judge someone based on their “can’t” but on their “can.” Ok, my husband will never be able to perform Kama Sutra # whatever again, and he may not remember our anniversary or what he got me for Xmas, or even to buy me something for Xmas, but he can be a husband, a father, a kick-ass WoW player, a pain to beat at Guitar Hero, and a wonderful lover. He is also smart and sensitive.
My message, don’t judge, because that perfect blond, blue-eyed, big chested woman or that “hot” guy that is just so perfectly perfect can end up being a jerk and not the “one” and you have passed up the “one” based on a bias or your perfect life can fall apart in an instant and would you leave that person then????
Happytobeme
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 07:03 am: [report]
This is a great article, my closest friend has cerebral palsy, and I have watched her go through so much just be “normal” like us able-bodied people. Listening to her deal with the constant rejection (things are said to her that would bring the rest of us to our knees) I just want to let her have my dating issues and she would be totally happy. All I can say is when i met her when I was 11 I never once thought that something was “wrong” with her, I just needed a pencil and I just hope and pray that one day she can find a man who can get past the wheel chair and scars and love her. By the way the accomplishments she has done surpass what most of the able-bodied people have done any day!
LOCI
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 07:32 am: [report]
I dated somebody with a Multiple Sclerosis. All I can really say about it is, going in, you know there are going to be adjustments and sacrifices. Either you’re willing to make them or you’re not. If you’re not, it means either “this is not the one for you” or it means you don’t have the available financial/emotional/spiritual resources to be involved in that situation. It never means that you’re a bad person or that you’re superficial. Part of it may be your own familiarity or comfort level with illness or disease; if a relative had cerebral palsy when you were growing up or you lived near a school for the blind, it might be easier or seem more normal than if you had no experience with it. On that same note though, if you maybe had to care for a sick parent or previously were in a relationship with a sick person, it may drain you or make you feel like “I can’t go through that again.”
majicksand
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 03:39 pm: [report]
@Kari Fuller: No, I wouldn’t leave my husband if he became disabled tomorrow, but I have history with him, and I’ve made a commitment there. There’s a huge difference between adjusting to the crap life doles out and choosing to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation to begin with. For my husband, the father of my children, I would give up hiking, skiing, dancing, whatever if I needed to. I don’t know that I would sacrifice those things to be with someone I don’t even know. Perhaps I could still do those things alone or with other friends, but I wouldn’t want to enter a relationship knowing I had to.
Kathls
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 04:03 pm: [report]
@majicksand: I have to respectfully disagree; it’s not about asking someone to sacrifice things that they love in their life. It’s merely asking why people can’t look beyond their fears, to see if a particular differently-abled person might be a great person worth investing emotions, time, and love. Rarely would you have to utterly and completely give up something you love, just because your partner cannot enjoy it on the same level or in the same way that you do.
majicksand
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
@kathls: Good people are always worthy of time and love regardless of their ability level. I’m just honest enough to admit that I would not voluntarily begin a relationship with someone who could never join me doing the things I enjoy. Hiking 9 miles a day for 3 days straight on the Appalachian Trail is just not going to happen for someone in a wheelchair. Especially if it’s one of the rappelling trips. I wouldn’t get involved with someone who could but wouldn’t either.
I want to spend time with my husband doing things we both enjoy. I would feel guilty leaving him to go on trips with my friends because he wasn’t able to participate. Likewise I would hate going without him because he hates my hobbies. If we don’t enjoy the same lifestyle, how do we build a life together? I don’t want to have a “you do your thing, I’ll do mine, and we’ll get together occasionally” relationship. I have friends for that.
I’m not against anyone being in a relationship with someone compatible. I just don’t think I should feel guilty if circumstances beyond anyone’s control makes various people incompatible with me.
Kathls
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 04:54 pm: [report]
@majicksand: Of course, not every person is compatible with everyone. For instance, just like your example, I probably wouldn’t date a triathlete, if they were looking for a partner in life that’s interested in exercising together, because that’s just not my thing. No one is trying to shame you into not wanting to date someone in a wheelchair because your hobbies include scuba diving or mountain climbing. It’s a matter of wanting people to take into consideration whether or not they could make it work with that person.
There are plenty of everyday-people with ho hum, ordinary hobbies like playing softball, going to concerts, watching college basketball, shopping, etc. Just everyday life kind of things. And quit honestly, almost any person can enjoy those with a partner. A blind person can still listen to the games, a person who is deaf can still go to a concert, enjoy the atmosphere, the reverberations, someone who is wheelchair-bound can still watch your softball team, get around the mall.
It’s wanting others to look a little deeper at the situation, to realize that someone who is differently-abled can still enjoy everyday life with you, you can still share hobbies together, with the exception of extreme examples. No matter how ‘severe’ or different someone might look on the surface, you just don’t know what they’re like on the inside, what they enjoy about everyday life. If you aren’t willing to investigate things a little further you might really miss out.
That’s what it’s about; in most cases, you just will NOT know if you’re compatible with someone only by looking at them, that’s applicable for both able and differently abled persons. Preconceived notions about people are frustrating as hell no matter what level of ability you have.
Leesa
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 08:03 pm: [report]
I read an article a few days ago about how men (and women, to some degree, at least) preferred a pretty face when they wanted to get married, but a pretty body when they were simply looking to date. Judging from the people I work with, that is completely and totally true. Inferring from that, you can assume that the people who are just looking for a pretty body don’t care a whit about someone’s mind. Which marks a huge chunk of men off your dating radar, but honestly, who cares about those guys? What many men are looking at when they want to get married also has to do with what their kids will be like, which, like it or not, has to do with your DNA. Is whatever disability you have any kind of likely to be passed on to any kids you have? You have to realize that many people will want the best possible chance for their kids to be “normal” and that that will also limit your chances for a good match. Not saying that it’s fair to you, Melissa; it’s just an unfortunate fact of life. Over most people, biology wins. (Even if they’re not smart enough to see it that way.)
rilkorten
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 12:33 am: [report]
Pretty much for the same reasons women are reluctant to date a man with a disability. It’s nothing new or one-sided.
Ellis
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 08:11 am: [report]
These are some very good points, but I do think that a lot goes into dating above and beyond the disability issue. The decision to date someone with a disability is not based entirely on their disability - because someone with a disability is, of course, something much more than that disability alone.
Having said that, I’m very curious about whether men with their own disabilities might be more understanding about dating women with disabilities. Of course I don’t mean to imply that a man with a disability is the only option for a women with a disability. However, I know that I look for certain shared experiences and types of understanding between a potential partner and myself, and it seems to me that there’s a higher chance of finding that in a man who’s gone through something at least a little comparable to what you’ve gone through.
snap
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 09:35 am: [report]
perhaps sometimes it comes down to sexual attraction, pure and simple. i probably would not date a man with a physical disability simply because i would not be attracted to him. i know that sounds crass, but it’s true. of course, there are some disabilities that would not affect my level of attraction, but then there are some that would. it’s unfortunate, but it’s life. i, too, only have one life to live, and i want to share it with someone to whom i’m crazy-attracted.
omnimancer
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 10:16 pm: [report]
People are superficial. And don’t you people deny it, because if anyone says that they aren’t into appearances then they are either a saint (which is doubtful) or you’re lying to yourself. I admit that i am superficial, but if your personailty is beautiful enough, i tend to over look physical appearances. And yes, i have done that before.
I can also relate, only i have mental problems that can be crippling and it has chased off several people. I’m lucky that my fiance loves me and has been with me through the thick and thin and is still here to stay.
I really do hope you find someone who will be everything you want and more. Good luck.
fairywithoutwings
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
I’ve been reading this site’s articles for nearly a year now, but finally registered so that I could comment on this, as it is an issue that I’ve wondered about frequently, and have in the past worried about myself.
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and have had it now for near on 4 years. My current boyfriend met me whilst I was going through a particularly bad phase (i was having to use a walking stick regularly, frustrating given that I was only just 20 years old then, and suffered incredibly bad stomach pains, which are a byproduct of it all). He’s been incredibly supportive the entire time we’ve been going out, and doesn’t think twice about helping me, and looking after me if I’m going through a bad patch. I asked him about it a while back, and he told me that when he met me, he accepted that my illness was part of who I was, and that he was willing to take that on, as it was part of me, the person he’d fallen for.
I count myself incredibly lucky to have a guy who is willing to put up with my exhaustion and frequent periods of immobility for years to come, as the illness shows no signs of getting any better. He’s aware of that, and it doesn’t bother him. It has given me hope that there ARE people out there who are willing to take that brave step, and become close to those of us who do suffer disabilities.
I hope that you find someone who looks past the physical aspect, and sees you as who you are, rather than as someone who sees the outward appearance and judges you on that, rather than looking past the walking sticks and wheelchairs and seeing YOU as you.
Melissa Blake
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 03:23 pm: [report]
I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone for the sweet and wonderful comments on my piece! I loooved reading all your responses!
THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!
xoxo,
Melissa
redheadgrl
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 06:12 pm: [report]
Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that most people are very superficial. Especially in the younger years, both men and women tend to be shallow when it comes to looks.. and even if they say they want someone for personality, looks will still come down to something of importance of them. Thats just the way it is, people are influenced by health-care and the media to associate thin, beautiful, clean kept people with health and happiness. Most people who see someone in a wheelchair wonder what is wrong with them, and their first feelings are usually of pity. Unfortunately, its true that most people are just not attracted to someone in a wheelchair. They may say that they want them to find happiness and love, but most people are not willing to give that to someone with a disability. Like it or not, physical attraction has an impact on relationships. You can’t force yourself to be with someone who you aren’t physically attracted to.
On the otherhand, I think it does make a difference if someone is disabled when they meet someone else versus becomes disabled while they are together. When you see someone different from yourself in the way of physical ability, it can be hard to not see them as separate from other people. But when you are dating someone and they are involved in an accident or something that disables them, its different—you realize that despite the change, they are still the same person that they were before they were disabled, and that it is not a big difference at all.
All in all, it really depends on the person and personal experiences. Obviously someone who grew up with a disabled close friend or family member is going to be less judge-mental when it comes to dating someone who is disabled. People will always judge outward appearances and make decisions on them.
KGray123
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
Hello, this is my first comment on the frisky! I don’t consider myself disabled, but I know that there are some that do. I have one eye. I do not have a left eye and I choose not to wear a prosthetic (i really think they don’t look good on me and it seems to draw more attention to it i think). I have been told that I am a beautiful girl and even prettier than many girls with two eyes. I don’t know if I quite believe that, but that is what some have told me. The thing that i have noticed the most though is that confidence is almost everything. People are drawn to that, but then again, a lot of men seem to be intimidated by a confident disabled person. I am single right now and am hoping a great guy comes along soon because I really would like that. But, I do not want a guy in my life if they are in any way embarrassed to be with me or around me or think that i am not good enough. I always say that people with disabilities are lucky because we don’t have to worry about weeding through the superficial people in our lives because superficial people are not likely to be drawn to us in the first place, right?!?!
og217
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 03:42 am: [report]
I agree with Snap. I don’t know why the poster is asking the question when the answer is obvious, except to hear platitudes, but most people are not attracted to disbled people. Physically unattractive people are well, unattractive. Being really nice and funny just doesn’t cut it when it comes to romance. People don’t just want conversation from their partner, but an activity pal, someone who can take care of them, a sex partner, a wage earner, someone who if needed, can hold down the fort, someone who they feel proud to show off to their friends. I’m sorry the writer is lonely and having a difficult time, and it is unfair, but people go for the best mate they can possibly attract and a disabled person just can’t compete in looks, health, often in sex, income, activities, routines, and ease. Mostly though, I think its the looks. A deaf supermodel would not lack suitors.
thenemilyreplied
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:01 pm: [report]
This may seem overly honest, but I think the reason is because its hard enough and awkward to meet/get to know/date someone new. But if that person has a disability it makes it even more difficult, to the point of not even attempting. I am always afraid that I am going to do or say something insensitive accidentally. I am pretty shy and avoidant as it is and to worry about how to conduct myself in that situation is more than I can handle. So for me, its 100% an issue on my end. Not the other person. For about 8 months I was a nanny for a girl with Arthrogryposis, and even in that situation I was a little nervous. Melissa, I hope you are well and I wish you luck in your search. Most of us have issues with dating, don’t think its just you or purely because of your disability.
Melissa Blake
wrote on October 25 2009 @ 08:57 am: [report]
Hi, thenem—thanks so much! I’m pretty shy myself, which also obviously doesn’t help.
orelando
wrote on October 25 2009 @ 08:59 am: [report]
Well it’s kinda tough for all of us with a disability. I was rejected by a couple of women that I thought were least a friend but, when I told them about my dis. they stop taking my calls. I’m not needy! I do for myself. My pic is at orelando490 my dis. no legs below the knee. I would like to date but It’s not in the cards for me now. I would like to date Ms Williams lol I’m so slow in the dating department it takes me a least 2 months just to get a hug and just maybe a kiss. Hang strong my friend.
Orelando
mariapilar
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 03:53 pm: [report]
Thank you to everyone who shared. Just two days ago the man that I have been dating for 9 months told me that he gets the willies when he sees my knee. So, this is a deal breaker for him. I lost my knee cap when I was a teenager in a car accident and broke many other bones. I have lived with this disability which I don’t consider it one since I have no limitations. I could probably get it corrected. But, it doesn’t look attractive and yet I still wear dresses and short skirts! Who cares!! I like myself and feel very comfortable in my skin. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! My eyes were opened up..I realized what a superficial person he is. This is the same man who his last live-in girlfriend kicked him out because he was out of work for two years due to a serious car accident and had to have back surgery. I think he could have come up with a better excuse to tell me he’s not interested. I have no dissability and Melissa you are a beautiful person!
AngPA83
wrote on November 17 2009 @ 09:48 pm: [report]
Now, I feel for you, I really do… but, you say you don’t want to be treated like a fragile china doll, right? So, let’s be honest here: don’t ask if you don’t really want to know. Cause what I’m hearing is that no one is giving you an answer you WANT to hear.
True, there are a lot of people who are not being completely honest. Keep in mind, this doesn’t make them bad guys. In fact, the opposite… the idea of hurting someone’s feelings makes so uncomfortable that they re-word their explanations, disabled or not.
Bottom line is that you can find plently of men and women with a similar dilemma. Dating/relationships are tough, especially in the beginning (ok, it can be bumpy throughout).
Do you think guys look at you and start listing off in their mind why they aren’t going to approach you? I know I don’t do that with men that I’m not interested in. Sometimes, we just don’t think about it. Then you ask people for explanations and it’s probably the first time they truly had to search their brains to figure it out, too. I bet they don’t even know why they do what they do. Besides, a question like that can really take someone back, even the brutally honest.
So, yes, there’s nothing wrong with being disabled, nothing wrong with wanting all your dreams to come true, but it may take a little longer. Don’t hate the guys that reject you, thank them.. for not wasting your time and allowing you to be ready for the ones that are worth it. I wish you the best.