Girl Talk: What’s In A Name?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Tuesday March 24th 2009
Since I got engaged early last month and began planning a wedding for this summer, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be hitched. As someone who already lives with her husband-to-be, I wonder just how much marriage will actually change things, whether I’ll wake up the morning after the wedding feeling any different. I’ve also been thinking a lot about what kind of wife I want to be, what it means to be a “good” wife, and how — if at all — being a “good wife” could compromise my identity or personal needs and interests.
I don’t feel a pressing desire to “prove” to myself or anyone else that I won’t change, that I won’t compromise anything, because at some point I’m sure I will. (Isn’t compromise a big part marriage, after all?) But I’m also certain that while bits of my identity are bound to shift, just as I would expect them to with any big life change and new perspective, the core of who I am will remain the same. No new name, white dress, ring on my finger or any other traditional convention is going to change that. For better or worse, I am who I am and I’m pretty solid in my identity. So when I read a column in the Guardian recently by Abigail Gliddon, a woman who claims “when a woman takes her husband’s name, she surrenders her former identity and adopts his,” I wondered how she came to have such low expectations for other women.
Does she really believe that the identity of every woman is so thin, so flimsy, that a name change is going to completely dissolve it? Or is she merely justifying a personal decision she’d make if she were getting married and passing judgment on any bride who’d do it differently? “I will never become a Mrs,” Gliddon writes, “and I will never take my husband’s name. If pushed, I choose Ms, but otherwise I will always be me. First name. Surname.” Unwilling to believe any sane, modern woman would choose otherwise, Gliddon writes: “It startles me that so many women of my generation never question this bizarre ritual.” Because clearly, if you’re a woman getting married and decide to take your husband’s name, it’s only because you’re incapable of critical thought, unable to question tradition and decide what’s best for you.
Over on Broadsheet recently, Tracy Clark-Flory responded to the criticism feminist blogger, Jessica Valenti, received after announcing her engagement on her site Feministing, writing: “Conservatives and liberals, misogynists and feminists—we all seem to love (to radically differing degrees) to pass judgment about brides’ choices. Changing your name? Ohhh, you’re betraying feminism. Walking down the aisle alone? Your poor father. Wearing white? You’re bowing to the patriarchy.” And now Ms. Gliddon at the Guardian joins the chorus: “As soon as a woman signs the marriage register she assumes a new identity.” As if a woman’s identity is easily reduced to nothing but her name. I don’t know about her, but I’m definitely much more than a handful of letters and a few syllables.
For the record, I plan to keep my name when I marry, not because I’m making a political statement or that I’m worried about turning into a different person if I don’t, but simply because I happen to like it a lot. In fact, all the decisions I’m making regarding my wedding and my marriage express, get this, personal choice. Some might even say they express my identity. And why not? There’s a lot of it to express.
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thegr8brownie
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
Great article!
i wish more woman on soap boxes had your point of view!
i think the biggest thing that changes when you get married, is for now on, you promise to be there for your spouse, always. You can both take comfort in the thought of knowing that you will never be alone.
and if you can’t make a promise like that, you probably shouldn’t be getting married.
Pipi
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 10:21 am: [report]
When I get married I plan to hyphenate my name, and I plan to give my children hyphenated last names as well. I wish my mom would have done that for so that I could have made the choice of which last name I wanted as an adult (my parents were never married and I no longer even talk to my dad).
charliecat
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 10:34 am: [report]
I’ve so been there & tried every option in this game! First marriage, changed my name because everyone said I should & hated it! Second marriage, hyphenated to compromise, but generally used my maiden name all the time except on “official legal” stuff.
For me, I’m not changing my name again, its a pain & quite frankly, I really like my name for a multitude of reasons. My father is the last of the name, my name represents all of my grandparents & well, I’m really, really good at writing it after 30+ years of experience! But be forewarned! People have STRONG opinions about this!! Some are personally offended that you’ve not changed your name…like it really effects them somehow. I don’t think you should ever have to explain a decsion like this to anyone but your fiance. And if he loves you, he’s not going to care as long as he can call you “Wife”.
Incidentally, lucky me…my current beau has my exact last name! Weird, but oh so convenient in the event we decide to make things legal =) (and yes, we’ve checked…we’re not related AT ALL!)
Jessica Wakeman
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]
I don’t understand why anyone takes anyone else’s name anymore. Seriously.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
Make up a new crazy name.
Western_Red
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 12:14 pm: [report]
See, the last name argument really bothers me, because the way American culture (at least) is structured, you either keep your father’s last name or take your husband’s. Where is the feminist option in that choice?
Do what you want to do. Don’t like his last name, or yours? Want to use hyphens? Want to take his name because of tradition, or keep yours to flaunt it? All reasons are valid, and however you want to be called, it doesn’t denote who you are as an individual or a couple. Feminism is, in my mind, the freedom to pursue the woman you want to be in whatever form that takes, and by arguing against “traditional” views of femininity and marriage, we limit women just as much as those who actively repress them.
LovelyLarry
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
For me personally, I wouldn’t change my name. I love my last names (yes I have two, that I use interchangably… one is my legal last name and one is adopted)- I feel that they represent a large part of who I am and who my family is; I just don’t feel the same “connection” to my boyfriend’s last name. He is ok with me not changing my last name, but many other people aren’t (his family, those have made a different choice), which is surprising to me in these days of supposed equality. I don’t know one friend who has gotten married that has decided to keep her last name. As mentioned in the article, it is a very personal choice and each woman should be able to choose freely, but I thought not changing was a little more “the norm” nowadays than it actually is. I guess in the end, I think not changing your name allows for independance within the partnership… I personally would not want to be referred to as “Mrs. Martin”, or “Mrs. James Martin”.
resullins
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]
I believe that the whole reason behind changing a name is not to adopt your husband’s identity, or whatever the femi-nazi said, but to begin to adopt an identity as a family. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Yes, I agree that it’s unfair that it is traditionally the man’s name, but hey, what’s really fair in life. My boyfriend and I have talked about this quite a bit, and he knows that I like my name. However, I want to be a family, and if that means having the same family name, then that’s fine. We talked about him taking my name, but being a pioneer (especially in something as deeply rooted as this) is always hard.
Things will change. Up until a few hundred years ago, only the woman wore a wedding band, because she belonged to her husband. That changed, so will this. But you have to give it time.
Amelia
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
So, having grown up with a hyphenate, a product of my mom not taking my dad’s last name and my brother getting both of their names, I can assure you that having two last names, while a nice sentiment, is a pain in the ass. But I don’t necessarily believe in the tradition of changing your last name and am glad more women are at least thinking about it and realizing they have OPTIONS. That said, if I were to get married, provided my husband-to-be’s last name was awesome, I would probably take his last name, bump one of my last names to my middle name, just so I could share a last name with my kids. The crappiness of that is the idea that the kids ALWAYS gets the dads last name, but that’s a whole other discussion. Anyway, I think women should do whatever makes them happy, but I think it’s always good to THINK about decisions like these, and why you’re making them.
doridori
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
My question is this: Don’t our identities change when we commit to a long term relationship, regardless if it’s marriage or not? You’re mentality changes, you think of both of your schedules when planning outings and although you may still be an individual you are an individual with in a unit… “The Couple”.
Changing one’s name is a personal choice, and I don’t believe that it’s me surrendering my identity any more than he’s surrendering his, we both decided to surrender our single identity… together. Abigail Gliddon, expectation and view point is unrealistic… Changing your name or not is a personal choice and it’s relative to the person deciding to change or keep their name.
Feminism in my opinion, is working, it shows in the fact that women have the OPTION to embrace the “traditional”, shun it or even remix it to suit our own personal desires.
NoisyOne
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
Choose choice not judgment. It’s really very simple.
loveitlala
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
So one day when all women choose to keep their last name, the next debate is going to be about the children’s names. There is no answer to this dilemma, and I don’t think it will ever progress past the point where it is now.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
My guy and I have actually talked a little about the possibility of our kids taking my last name. I doubt it will happen as it’s not THAT important to me and as another commenter said, it’s hard being a pioneer (and all that much harder if it’s something you’re sort of indifferent about), but I thought it was really sweet that HE was the one to bring it up and said it was something should think about. Makes me that much more confident I chose wisely.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]
Bond. Cheese Bond.
vanya
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]
There are two different families near us whose children have the opposite gender parents’ last name. The boys have their mothers’ last name, and the girls have their fathers’ last names.
LovelyLarry
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
Having kids does throw another wrench into the mix. I don’t know that I want to have kids, but I have thought about what name I would give my children, should I ever decide to have them. I agree with resullins in wanting to be unified as a family by one name, but for me personally, it feels a bit patriarchal to take my husband’s name. In the case of having children, I prefer the idea of hyphenating the last name, although, as Amelia mentioned (and I can atest to this) it is a pain having two last names. As has been stated previously, the important thing is that we have the choice, and no matter what choice a woman makes, she should most definitely be free of judgement. And Wendey Atterberry, that’s awesome that your guy brought up the subject of any children taking your last name! It’s definitely a good thing that more and more men are open to the idea, no matter whose last name the kids end up with.
Chelle
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
If I get married, I’ll take my husband’s name in a heartbeat. I hate my last name. My son was born while I was engaged so I gave him his father’s name. We never got married but I don’t regret it at all. My son has a normal last name and won’t get made fun of for it.
LovelyLarry
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]
That’s an interesting idea… girls taking their father’s name and boys taking their mother’s name. I like it!
SociallyAlexander
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]
I kept my last name when we got married. It’s mine, I already have a last name. I could never hyphenate my last name, his last name is 9 letters and mine is 10.
I also had a very untradition wedding but at least I’m not in debt for it.
SociallyAlexander
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
Oh um we also thought of combining them to make a new last name, way too funny. If I had it my way with that we would have been the Mangkhanders.
retro chic
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 02:39 pm: [report]
@charliecat: withya on the name odyssey. Mine is also the last in our line. I think the overall point is that anyone should be free to choose whatever name.
Why would I want to change a name that translated, symbolizes the source of life… so divine and dynamic? It’s one I want to strongly ID with and aspire to.
Gliddon’s point could have been valid in decades past, except most of those women didn’t have true identities to lose in the first place.
Sidebar: some legal docs were filed as Mr and Mrs MyName, instead of individually. He flipped a switch over that one.
resullins
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]
So… just as a musing, what if hyphenating last names became the new ‘tradition?’ For example, if my boyfriend and I got married and hyphenated… we’d be the Sullins-Dulworths. Then my kids want to marry someone with a hypenated last name… I could have grandkids named Johnny and Susie Smith-Nguyen-Sullins-Dulworth… we can see this problem expounding as the generations continue.
Yup… definitely not hyphenating.
But I do agree with the idea that at least women are thinking about it now… and people shouldn’t judge. There are people out there that believe anything short of shaving your head, cutting off your boobs, and never falling in love with a man is destroying suffrage itself. Keep all options open!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 04:14 pm: [report]
@Resullins What about Sullinworth?
writergirl
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 05:54 pm: [report]
I once read an article by Anna Quindlen. She wrote that she had kept her last name when she married and why. Her children had been given her husband’s last name upon birth. She said there were always mishaps with school and camps and insurance because her name was different than there’s but she refused to change her name and she was adament about it because her name was who she was.
Then one of her children was hurt and rushed to the ER while she was at work. Frantic, she got to the hospital and she said last names no longer mattered. She didn’t give the nurse at the desk *her* last name that we all know her by, but her husband’s last name—the same name as her child’s. She said at that moment she realized her identity wasn’t tied to her name, but to her life and what made up her life—her children being a major component of it.
I read that article when I was…...fifteen maybe younger. But I remember it like I read it yesterday.
So when my turn came, I took my husband’s name. I think it binds us as a family. It certainly makes things like insurance claims, child care, and doctor visits and ER trips much easier since my son and I have the same name.
I don’t think I lost anyting or changed as a person in the process of changing my name.
abbylyn
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 07:15 pm: [report]
@western - amen, amen, AMEN. feminism should be about having the freedom to CHOOSE instead of being forced into a decision.
Sofjna
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 08:16 pm: [report]
I like my last name because it’s so uncommon. I would only want to take another name if it was interesting. Plus I’m an only child and my uncles don’t have kids, so I’m it. It seems as though the author of the article that was refernced has some deeper issues about marriage than just last names.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 08:19 pm: [report]
It’s not my real name anyway….my great grandfather had it changed at Ellis Island…it just kind of stuck these years. E for an I.
EarthGoddess
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]
I love having my husband’s last name, and actually tend to use it more often than I ever did when I was married the first time or my maiden name (which I love). My married name is short (4 letters) but somehow always gets misspelled, which is a pain and something he warned me about before we got married. I don’t mind at all, though, since I’m so proud to be his wife. It’s funny, too, since I moved to the small town he grew up in ... as soon as I have to give someone my last name for something, they immediately know who I’m married to without hesitation. LOL
I do agree that it’s a pain when family members have different names, since my daughter has her father’s last name. A lot of people assume that since I’m her mom, that’s my name too. Not a big deal though ...
As far as changing your identity, I think that each person comes into the marriage with their own identity, and together they become one person with a joined identity made up of equal parts from both spouses. As least that’s how my husband and I are ... we are one in all things.
Karmatir
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 12:49 am: [report]
I am now divorced but was married in 2004. At that time only 6 states (not sure if that’s changed now) would allow MEN to change their last name upon marriage without the full name change/court order business. This included, btw, taking on a new joined/meshed name together (only if that’s an option on your marriage license, which it isn’t in nearly all states).
I happen to live in one of these states. As such my ex-husband took mine. He did not “give it back” when we got divorced and I don’t care. I told him he could do whatever he wanted with his name but I didn’t want to change mine. I like it, its rare but never mispronounced & short - nothing better in a last name. And that I thought was the whole point of feminism: freedom to choose what YOU want, not what someone else decides for you.
Perceptible
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 06:25 am: [report]
It’s great that so many women are considering this a choice and not a rule. I am so happy to see women keeping their own names. (Yes, it’s typically their father’s last name but we have to start somewhere, right?) What really bugs me now is how we’re still assuming that our kids will get their father’s last names and not OURS! Whether you are married or not when you have children, why not give the children the mother’s name? (After 9 months of labor and then childbirth, we DESERVE to give our kids OUR names!) I can understand hyphenating, but I can also understand how that could be a pain to grow up with. I would truly love to see women not only keeping their names, but blessing their children with their names as well. Why are we always so worried about the father’s name continuing on? And while we’re at it, let’s do away with all of the Miss and Mrs. crap. (Which are both derivatives of mistress, meaning belonging to a man, either husband or father. We’re not possessions! Look it up on wikipedia.) Why don’t men have a variation of Mr. when they are either married or divorced? What does marital status have to do with how you are addressed? I get annoyed when filling out online forms that require you to choose all fields including Mr., Mrs., Miss, etc. and I always choose Dr. because it’s gender and marital status neutral.
My daughter has my last name and I will be so proud if she decides to keep it if she one day marries, and even more proud if she passes it on to her children, should she choose to have any.
Whew. Sorry. This is truly a pet peeve of mine. Thanks to the Frisky for a place for me to vent!
Chelle
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 06:53 am: [report]
@Perceptible- I hate the miss/mrs thing too. I especially hate it when I’m at work and a customer calls me “miss”. I feel that it’s very disrespectful. I’m a 26-year-old grown woman and I could very well be married. I’m not married, but why do they just assume I’m not?
resullins
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 07:05 am: [report]
@perceptible, as for the children thing, there are still some states that require by law that a child take the father’s last name. I grew up in one of these states. Unless the mother doesn’t know or will not tell the father’s name, the child is automatically given the father’s name.
Sure, if you wanted to keep the father’s name off of the birth certificate, you could give your children your name, but that would create major problems down the road.
So what about in that situation?
Perceptible
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 07:24 am: [report]
@resullins, I’m not aware of any problems that could cause. Can you explain?
I also had no idea that there were some states so backwards as to automatically require the father’s last name be given to the children. How absolutely sad to have that mandated by law. It makes me wonder how many other antiquated, ridiculous laws are out there that still work against equality for women.
@Chelle, how about this? I am not married but have children and my last name is the one I was born with. However, people are always calling me Mrs! It drives me nuts! It’s 2009 and there are all types of families. How dare someone assume I am married and am a Mrs just because I have children. I am worried women will never truly be equal until these old-fashioned ideas that are ingrained in so many people are discarded. But we need to teach our children that way first.
resullins
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 07:29 am: [report]
Well, imagine you’re married, but don’t list the father on the birth certificate. You die suddenly and without a will, and (according to law), there’s no father of your child. The child has a different last name, and no father listed on the birth certificate. The legal hassles would be horrible. The cost of DNA testing to prove paternity is pretty high, and the child may or may not be taken away until fatherhood is proven.
Bokkie
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 08:02 am: [report]
resullins:
luckily there are only a handful of states still enforcing such antiquated laws, but wouldn’t one solution be to add the father’s name to the birth certificate when the child is a few weeks old? then his/her name will already be established but the scenario you suggest would be averted.
resullins
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 08:15 am: [report]
You’re right, there are only a few of these states left… happily. But the problem comes in when a couple is married and has a child, to NOT get the husband’s name on the birth certificate as the father, the couple has to sign an “affidavit of denial of paternity.” This would constitute forgery later if you wanted to change a signed affidavit. It requires courts, legal crap… there are some states where the laws behind naming a child are more complicated that Chinese Algebra.
Perceptible
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 08:18 am: [report]
Or let’s get those ridiculous laws off the books already so that everyone can be on the birth certificate as they should be, but the parents can choose the child’s name by themselves. Without legislation getting in the way. How many more silly laws can the government impose on me?! Sheesh! Maybe I want my child to have a brand new last name. I am shocked to learn that in some states, that is not my right.
Besides, if the above scenario were to happen, I don’t think the same last name would fix the problem.
Also, I believe if you are married, the father, if not listed on the birth certificate, would automatically also be the step father and custody wouldn’t be challenged.
But then again, maybe there are some other crazy, little-known laws to allegedly protect us from ourselves that would make that a hassle. How about having a living will in place that designates custody should something awful happen? Everyone who has children should have even a simple living will designating custody, etc.
Perceptible
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 08:19 am: [report]
@resullins , wow! I had no idea such laws existed. How embarrassing for our country to have such laws in any state.
powplz
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 08:26 am: [report]
@resullins - thank you for assuming most parents are dumb enough to not have a will. I don’t have kids, but there’s no reason for anyone who does to not have a will (or living trust). Note to self: lack of children aside, I need to do that myself since I now own land. We all should have wills - I mean, would you automatically want all your stuff to go to your parents? If you do, that’s fine, but having your #&@$% in gear is important.
EarthGoddess
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 08:31 am: [report]
When my daughter was born, her father and I were engaged but not yet married. It was always our plan to have her last name be his and have him listed on the birth certificate. We later found out that this would have been automatic in our state, unless he signed a legally binding document renouncing all paternal rights to her until she turns 18 and is no longer a minor. Therefore, if we did not list him as such, he wouldn’t have any rights to her and I would have no recourse for child support since I would have been her only legal parent. Crazy, right?
resullins
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 08:40 am: [report]
@joyy: I assumed nothing nor did I call anyone stupid. Which one of us is assuming now? I’m only basing things on my experiences. My mother did not have a living will defining custody rights until long after her and my father divorced. But my father was listed on my BC… had anything happened to her, custody would never have been challenged.
She did however learn quickly, my younger brother (before he turned 18) was to be MY responisibility should anything happen to her and his father… but when I and my other brother were born, she was a young mother with a husband, and the thought of anything tragic happening never crossed her mind. It happens, period.
powplz
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 08:53 am: [report]
Just sayin - if you’re a parent and you don’t have a will or other legal document to designate custody for your children, that’s just plain irresponsible, even for an otherwise totally responsible parent.
Plus, I’m sure you could always put the dad on the bc then do a legal change of name for the kid later through the courts.
Chelle
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 08:54 am: [report]
@Perceptible- Even if that did make the father automatically the step-father (which I’m not sure about) he still would have no custodial rights to the child. Actual step-parents have no rights to their step-children unless they legally adopt them. The only way that can be done is if the other parent (the one who isn’t married to the step-parent) gives up custody and signs over all legal rights to their child. My kid’s dad’s wife found that out the hard way when she made an ass out of herself in court. The judge asked her why she was even at the custody hearing. She will never have any legal right to my son as long as I’m alive.
Chelle
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 09:08 am: [report]
@Gabby1- That IS ridiculous. Which state was that? I had my son in Virginia and never married his father. They had no problem putting him on the birth certificate.
Perceptible
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
This thread sounds as if we’re blogging in the 1940’s! (If only they had blogs back then. Of course, women probably wouldn’t have had the right to use them!) I thought I was living in 2009!?! These laws should be changed immediately. Married or not married, a father is a father and should be listed (if known), and the child’s first, last, and middle names should be solely at the discretion of the parents! Sheesh! What if Prince were the father?! LOL!
resullins
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]
I agree… the whole idea is sad. There are a lot of archaic laws that have just been pushed to the side, but never taken off the books. Just last week NJ decided it may start enforcing its “no bikini waxing” law! Really? There’s still a law on the books in Charlotte that a woman may not appear in public without their bodies being covered by at least 16 yards of clothing!
There’s no way to rectify all crappy laws still on the books in this country. For now, I’m just happy I live in a country where I’m allowed to walk beside a man and speak in public. There are a whole lot worse laws women in Muslim countries have to deal with.
nemesis1
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 12:38 pm: [report]
Who the hell cares what you’re name is? If you forget all this editorializing and nonsense and just pay attention to what you’re doing, things will work out.
Jeez. Way to much time on your hands.
Jar by the Door
wrote on March 25 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]
I’m changing my last name when I get married. I’ve always disliked my last name. Also, I really don’t care much for my father. It has nothing to do with anyone but myself. I love my boyfriend’s last name, so I plan to take it if/when we get married. I’d rather have the last name of someone I CARE about rather than one of someone I don’t that was forced on me. If I get engaged to someone with a last name I don’t care for, I’m going to take my grandmother’s maiden name and use it (again, because I love it).
I’m all for hyphenating or even combining when the sound is right.
I joke to my boyfriend all the time that our last name is going to be McConroy. (And actually joked about McMorgan to the boyfriend before that.)
lizcharm
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
My last name when I got married was “McNamee”, which no one can pronounce and no one can spell. Ever. My husband’s last name is “Coopersmith” and I thought, Yes!, finally, an easy last name. Plus, I liked the idea of being part of this really cool, awesome family, and my parents had been long divorced (My Mom went back to her maiden name shortly after our wedding). Hyphenating was just ridiculous. But the funny thing is, my Father-in law got up and made a speech on my wedding day, warning me that no one was going to be able to spell my new last name, and no one was going to be able to pronounce it. And we all laughed. And he’s been right. They turn “Coopersmith” into “Coppersmith” or think it’s two words. Always. Bottom line - you can’t win, so you might as well do what you want, you know? And thanks for giving me a new post for my blog!
Bertram
wrote on March 27 2009 @ 07:16 am: [report]
There is a kind of simple work-around in the name department. My wife never had a middle name, just the way girls are in her family. When we got married her last name became her middle name and my last name her new middle name. So she went from Jane Doe to Jane Doe Smith. She never felt there was much use for a middle name, never missed it, etc.
On a side note we have heard that hyphenating your last name causes lots of confusion with listing in computer systems, records, etc.
Katrina
wrote on March 28 2009 @ 09:34 am: [report]
I would have no problem, were my current man and I to get married, in taking his last name, much as I like my hard-to-spell surname. For me, it’d probably just be which name I liked better.
Also, I definitely wouldn’t keep my current last name as my middle name, since my first name, current last name, and current BF’s name all start with ‘K’.
Hyphenating two last names just sounds like a way to make any potentially children suffer - and make them unable to ever write their full names on tests like the SAT, or pretty much any Scantron test.
dizzle
wrote on March 29 2009 @ 05:21 pm: [report]
As a young divorcee finalizing my paperwork and getting ready to change back to my maiden name- this topic has plagued my mind recently. Personally, I cannot wait to have my name back. Obviously, my opinion is biased by a failed marriage, but I won’t change my name if I do end up marrying again. However, I would consider it if and when my future hypothetical second husband and I decide to start a family.
In a way, I did lose my identity with my marriage and my name change. I don’t think there is a causal relationship there but perhaps symbolism? After all, it was my ex who really wanted me to be “Mrs. Hislastname” and to be announced as “Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname and Hislastname” at the wedding ceremony. At the time I was proud and saw myself as low-maintence for going along with his requests. Now I realize my apathy to the name change and his devotion to it were signs of deeper issues.
Either way, its a choice. It’s your choice. And you should be true to yourself when you make your decision.
raulsj
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 08:31 pm: [report]
When I was engaged, a friend was upset to learn I was going to change my last name and compared me to chattel… But I reminded her that my (then) current last name was my father’s name, and unless I made something up and had it legally changed I would have a *gasp* man’s last name… The point of marriage is not to lose your identity, but to enhance each others, and grow and change…
One Big Voice
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 09:10 pm: [report]
You don’t hear the “Mrs. Fred Flintstone” thing much anymore. The whole name-changing business always seemed a bit chauvinist to me.
I think you can legally change it to whatever you want, when you get married in Canada. I work with a guy who took his wife’s name. He was tired of people misspelling and/or mispronouncing his “maiden” name. When my mom and stepdad got married I was thirteen, and they asked if I wanted to change my name. I didn’t, so now I still have my bio-dad’s name. I’m not close with him, so if I get married I would have no problem taking her name, or we could make up some new family name for both of us ... the Frisky’s?
Pepper
wrote on March 31 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
I think the ultimate point everyone is trying to make is that the best way to do it is for the couple to decide, hopefully together, on what names they or any future children want to have. I don’t think there will ever be any set convention again that ‘everybody’ will adhere to, those days are over. But I think it’s a little futilistic to say we can’t change the outdated laws that still exist on mandated name-changing. We can, should and must harangue the government into make the laws give people the freedom to change their names as they desire, yeah it’ll make social security numbers all the more important and necessary to regulate and moniter closely, but it’s about time don’t you think. Really, there is no one naming convention that works for everyone. Combining seems like a great compromise, my folks did it. But hyphenated names are indeed a pain and confuse computers (and people!) especially when both of them are long, hard to pronounce, and harder to spell. Believe me, I speak from experience. I can count the number of people who pronounced both my names correctly on the first try, on one hand. And my first name isn’t much better. Meshing may be a better solution, can lead to some funny results (if, theoretically, I married a guy I’m seeing, and meshed, my new name would be Ruler… nope, don’t think so) So ultimately it is up to the individuals to decide what is important to them in a name, and how best to compromise. The best thing our government can do for us is to make the system work more easily to enable that freedom and thereby encourage us to be brave in risking that kind of change, knowing we can fix it later if needed. After all, this is the land of the free and the home of the brave is it not!
Bunny25
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 12:01 am: [report]
I’m taking my husband’s last name. I think its confusing for your children, and you should go into a marriage expecting success. I feel, sorry to be so trite, expectations dictate outcomes, especially in relationships.
BlueVibe
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 08:39 am: [report]
My brother and SIL hyphenated their names. My mom took Dad’s name, which horrified all her Seventies feminist friends, but her reasoning was that they both wanted kids and she wanted to have the same name as the rest of the family. Legally, she has four names: First, Last, Maiden, Married (basically two middle names now).
I’ve also known couples who chose a brand-new name, for various reasons. One groom hated his biological father, who had abused and abandoned the family, and didn’t want the name. One couple both had long, vowel-deprived, Eastern European names and invented a new, simpler, name based on the two they were giving up. Another couple wanted to hyphenate but both had long surnames that were unwieldy when combined.
cycleboy
wrote on December 30 2009 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
“As if a woman’s identity is easily reduced to nothing but her name. I don’t know about her, but I’m definitely much more than a handful of letters and a few syllables.”
Actually, I think you’re wrong here. Of course your name no more dictates your character than your shoe size does. However, imagine writing a dictionary - how would you define ‘name’? “That by which you are identified.” perhaps? The simple fact is that your name IS your identity. Look up someone in a telephone directory or list of alumni - how do you do it? By their name. Changing your surname would sever that link. It may be you would want to; fair enough, but don’t for one minute think it won’t happen.
Bunny25: try re-writing your entry like this:-
“I’m taking my wife’s last name. I think its confusing for your children, and you should go into a marriage expecting success. I feel ... expectations dictate outcomes, especially in relationships. “
Why should this version not be as valid as yours?
raulsj:
“But I reminded her that my (then) current last name was my father’s name, and unless I made something up and had it legally changed I would have a *gasp* man’s last name”
Maybe, but maybe not. One of my best school friends had his mother’s surname - his father was Polish and taken hers. I’ll bet he was as attached to his surname as any man’s surname.
Besides, how is it your father’s name? How did he come to ‘own’ the name? Was it not ‘given’ to him at birth? By that same logic, it must also have been ‘given’ to any girl child. Therefore, either both boys and girls ‘own’ their surname or neither does. You can’t have it both ways.
General:
many women on threads like this justify changing their name because their surname is naff; they hated their father; their father was abusive etc etc. All very valid reasons. However, they are equally valid reasons for a man and, statistically, there must be as many men as women with such a valid reason. Yet, you don’t hear many men changing their name and giving these reasons for so doing. Odd that.
cycleboy
wrote on January 1 2010 @ 05:10 pm: [report]
I’m taking my wife’s last name. ...you should go into a marriage expecting success. I feel, sorry to be so trite, expectations dictate outcomes, especially in relationships.