Girl Talk: What If You DO Need A Man?
Posted by: Leonora Epstein
Filed in:
relationships
1:30PM, Wednesday July 29th 2009
“Some women are just happier in a relationship.”
As my shrink said this, my jaw dropped to the floor. Did she really just say that? The woman who had feminist literature on her bookshelf and never failed to induce a pep rally of self-empowerment at the end of each session?
We were, of course, discussing (OK fine, I was complaining) about my lack of a boyfriend, and inability to get over some of the ones I did have. For me, I surmised from my psychotherapy high horse, the issue was about loneliness and, therefore, about some childhood father complex. I thought I sounded smart; it seemed like something my psychiatrist would say herself.
But her response was both jarring and a relief. Some women are just happier in a relationship. Huh? Isn’t the modern woman supposed to be totally amazing on her own? But at the same time, the tension in my heart unclenched as I considered the phrase that potentially answered all of my romantic issues.
Was I one of those women? And do they really exist? Looking back, I began to think it might be true. When in committed relationships, I was happier. When single, I was depressed. Perhaps this was chance, but I realized that I took better care of my life with a boyfriend by my side. I kept things cleaner to show respect for his presence in my living space. I bathed more often and took care of my acne-prone skin.
I dug up a paper I wrote during my senior year of college when I was living with the man I planned (at the time) to marry. Based on Daniel Miller’s A Theory of Shopping, I had explored the author’s hypothesis that purchasing could be motivated by love, and proved it by shamelessly charting a week’s worth of my purchases. At the time, the list was comedic (I had a friendship with my very forgiving professor). But now looking at my list, I see a zeal and motivation I don’t always find in my life now. In buying skim milk, bran cereal, flax bread, I was taking pride in eating healthy. With the new dishes and wine glasses, I added sophistication to our home. I recalled feeling satisfied and grown up when we began enjoying food on matching plates and not drinking Pinot Grigio out of mugs.
When I recently asked my friends about this idea of “being better with a man” or “needing a man,” a good handful of them confirmed this belief. (Definitely not all, mind you.) One said, “I’m more organized, in control, and positive when I’m receiving male attention ... a relationship is enough to keep me motivated and excited.” Another friend, Olivia, told me, “In a relationship, I have someone else to answer to. There is another person who is close enough to me to know when I’m being lazy or not living up to my potential, so that pushes me to actually be more active.”
For Olivia and me, efforts of self-sufficiency outside of relationships can sometimes fall short, or more often, turn into faking that whole “I’m an awesome single woman” thing. And I’m sorry, I do know that I’m awesome, but getting there is exhausting. I’m not saying this is everyone, but that perhaps there are women—and men!—who need sex with trust, or who rely on spouses for friendship rather than large social networks. And perhaps “needing a man” is an indication of the more basic human instinct—not for reproduction, but for companionship.
The idea still doesn’t sit right with me as someone who has put so much energy into making me happy. But, then again, there’s a lot to say for someone who chooses to be happy. Even if it means the choice includes a man.
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*sam*
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
I admit that I am one of those women. I know I have self-esteem problems, and when I’m single, I always find it harder to think positive about myself—though I certainly try my hardest, and on occasion, have even accomplished it. However, when I’m in a relationship, I somehow manage to scrape up all of that self-esteem I was previously missing, and wash the self-loathing stench off, and am just in general, a happier, and more confident individual. It’s not that I’m needy, but I think there is just something to be said about that type of companionship that just can’t come from friends (even though I do have the very bestest friends a girl could ever ask for).
delovely
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
I’m happier in a relationship. There have been times I’ve been so content single (or in such a bad relationship) I couldn’t imagine ever wanting another one. But I crave stable, supportive long-term relationships like chocolate.
develange
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
Thank you for writing this.I have always felt guilty about having any sort of dependence of feeling of need for a man. When I am single, I do crave that intimacy, stability, to feel special. I’m not saying that it’s not possible to feel special on my own (one thing I am working on), but it is a different experience having that validated by someone that you love.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m pathetic or a feminist failure for wanting or feeling like I need a man. I can support myself financially, spend time by myself, create and fix things, but I still want that intimacy, and do feel happier when I’m in love with someone and in a (healthy) relationship. I still consider myself a feminist.
I don’t want to say it’s “natural,” but I think it’s common for people to feel happier when they are in a relationship (or relationships, if you’re not monogamous). Feeling loved, having that support, feeling connected. It’s different than just loving yourself.
Joey Daytona
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
“When in committed relationships, I was happier. When single, I was depressed.”
Me too… I’ve stayed in bad and disintegrating relationships to stay hopeful and see it through and keep holding onto that precious emotional investment in that nebulous ‘us’.
Persevere, adapt, evolve, overcome… gets tiring, then being alone loses it’s attraction, then back into the fray.
But unlike some guys, I stay true to myself as best I can when looking for the next girlfriend so she knows who I am and what she is getting into. I expect the same in return, sincerity.
Coral
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
I can be happy either in a relationship or on my own. I have had to accept the fact that positive thoughts are better and I will tend to be happier. It’s still a struggle, but I still don’t want to feel that a man makes me happier—or the safety and comfort of the relationship does. I guess I’m just one of those women who doesn’t need to feel protected all the time and I can fend for myself every once in awhile—although admittedly, it’s not easy.
GreenAura
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]
@ all: I don’t think that any of you NEED a man/woman. What you NEED is connection and intimacy. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a Human thing, so don’t let it get you down because I guarantee that even the most independent people crave connection and intimacy in whatever form it happens to take.
Ellis
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 03:30 pm: [report]
First, I’d like to point out that there’s a difference between being happier while in a relationship, and being dependent upon relationships. In my opinion, relationships, when they’re good, are obviously going to make you happy! Spending time with someone who you love and who loves you is a pretty great thing, and I’d never try to diminish that. Needing to be in a relationship is quite different, and I think it’s something much more problematic.
To be honest, the people I’ve known who truly need to be in relationships end up living pretty rocky lives (let me be clear, I’m speaking from my own experiences with personal acquaintances; I am not trying to say that this is the case for everyone who feels they need to be in relationships). They stay in relationships that are damaging for too long. They get into new relationships before their old wounds are healed, and never seem to “get over” their exes. They’re wildly insecure, and don’t know ways to cope when they don’t have a significant other there doing it for them. Some seem to rely on relationships as a way to boost self-esteem, some to get attention, some to avoid making decisions/becoming independent. Frankly, it’s always seemed so turbulent and risky to me - when you must rely on others to meet your needs, what do you do when they don’t come through for you?
Perhaps others have had better experiences, but I’ve always wondered why my friends like this don’t take some time off from dating to work through their troubles, so that everything won’t collapse the next time someone leaves them.
And a note - I also very much agree with GreenAura that people need connection/intimacy, and I think that need (which can be more broadly fulfilled) can get confused with a need for a romantic relationship. I’m quite sure I’d be depressed if I didn’t have intimate, trusting relationships with others. I think it can be useful to cultivate a variety of sources for this type of relationship, though.
Let_Love_Rule
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
I agree that this is true for many women. I’m not one of them, however, for whatever reason, I’m happier single. I tend to have more energy and frequently try things (hobbies, volunteer work, etc.) that unfortunately fall by the wayside in a relationship.
Independence is super important to me, and despite doing everything possible to avoid controlling types, I generally feel that my partners expect me to change a lot. It’s as though they are attracted to me because I’m spontaneous and independent, but that isn’t what they want in a girlfriend.
_jsw_
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 05:03 pm: [report]
@mreo: So, then, does that mean pushovers become bad boys again magically once single, or is there a finite and limited set of bad boys in each generation, who, once they’ve entered into a relationship, forevermore are lame weak-kneed losers? Also, since you’ve said in other comments that you have no problem with the bitc… ladies, does this mean you’re a bad boy, that you’ve never been in a relationship because you’re not a bad boy, or that you’re a pushover who used to be a bad boy but has since been whittled down?
Ellis
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 05:06 pm: [report]
I’m not actually sure what mreo’s comment has to do with the article at all. Sorry some girl you dated took away your “bad-boy” status, dude, but “women don’t know what they want” is not only a pretty weak transition, it’s a bit silly and over-generalized.
EarthGoddess
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 07:40 pm: [report]
I’m so happy for this article! As I’ve said many times on this site, I am not wired for the single life. I avoid being alone if I can at all help it and I always ensure that I am in a committed relationship (Nothing casual for me, thanks. Either we’re exclusive, or we’re just friends.) I’m happily married now, but my first marriage I only stayed in because I couldn’t tolerate the thought of being single, so he was my guaranteed fall back to avoid that life. He was a definite “pushover” who thought of himself as a “bad boy” (Maybe that’s your problem, too, mreo? Hmmm…) but even as unhappy as I was with him, the thought of being without someone terrified me.
Logically speaking, I know that I could survive alone if I had to, but it’s not something I’m comfortable with exploring. I’m much happier with a man around, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being self-aware enough to realize that.
Black Iris
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 07:49 pm: [report]
Most people are happier in relationships. Despite the negative press for marriage in our society, studies show that married people, men and women, feel happier than single ones.
I think we should be able to accept this without thinking it makes us needy and dependent. We all want love.
Revolutionary Girl
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 07:52 pm: [report]
I can’t help but agree with most women here. I think since turning 20 I have in a sense tried harder to be content being single but also boost my self esteem and attempt to date more even if the dates were terrible. But once I found someone who was willing to stay longer and I could just be myself with I felt like I tried harder to care for myself and him but also felt more confident and sexier for sure. Amazing what getting some does to you haha. I admire single happy women. I have been there and do not mind being single when I am but some days you just want to cuddle and kiss and hold someone’s hand and know that he’ll be like this the next day and not just a one nighter. Its beautiful when you do find that person.
Shasta
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 09:48 pm: [report]
@Leonora. Very well-written piece.
...and God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.”
I believe that.
Connections and intimacy are what make us human, and not the kind the crazy lady makes with her 15 cats. I think most of us commenting are wise enough (finally) to realize that there is a difference between needy, dependance and willling togetherness.
saxysooner
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 12:54 am: [report]
I’m 25 and perfectly happy being single. I think it really just depends on the person. Or maybe there’s just something wrong with my brain, because all the touchy-feely togetherness of relationships just makes me majorly uncomforable…haha
Fast Eddie
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 07:10 am: [report]
All of these musings are applicable to men as well as women.
for most of my life I wanted a commitment and it wasn’t easy getting one. At one point I gave up and was celibate for 7 years. That seemed to disturb others, but I was OK with it.
Still I wanted someone but had a hard time finding her. Finally did and it worked out very well for the last 22 years and looking forward to many more.
BlueVibe
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
I think Ellis is dead-on.
I think there’s a big difference between having a natural tendency to be happier in a relationship, and being dependent because you don’t know who you are, etc. Not unlike being an introvert versus extrovert: That extroverts thrive on companionship doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with them. It’s just how they are. (I’m an introvert. There’s nothing wrong with me, either.)
Really, it doesn’t make evolutionary sense for all of us to be happier and more functional alone. Humans
I don’t *need* a boyfriend and I seem to do better alone than do many people, but I definitely do miss not only the level of intimacy that comes with being in a long-term relationship, but the *type* of intimacy. I have great friends and my mother and I are very close, but it’s not the same thing.
AnonymousFan
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
@Shasta. Funny that you mention the crazy cat lady. I happen to know her - she’s my mother (oy).
I can tell you that even she craves connection which is why she has taken in eleven stray cats to care for. She’s told me that she likes the simplicity of cat emotions - want food, want sleep, want attention - rather than human emotions. Like Shasta, she feels uncomfortable with human intimacy, but still has the animal instinct to seek connection.
So I can tell you that this desire to get close with someone, to feel understood and cared for, and to care for someone/something else is a natural, animal instinct which might have something to do with evolutionary survival and reproduction.
I would agree that I feel better when supported and completely connected with someone. But not only that, I feel more productive when I’m able to support someone else, and give them exactly what they need to be a better person. As long as I know that I have the ability to boost my own self-esteem if need be, then I feel comfortable seeking a relationship to do that for me.
AnonymousFan
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]
whoops I meant like *saxysooner* she feels uncomfortable with intimacy
BedRocka
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
sookay ... I want to see all ladies happy and unstressed out so if having/needing a Bf makes you happy please indulge!! Don’t give the I don’t need a man mess then complain about being single 24-sev!! Indulge yourself Ladies ya’ll deserve it!!
seraphmaiden
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]
I think becoming happy single takes time. At the beginning of med school I realized that I had only been single for a combined 6 mos since I turned 16 and started dating. It was scary, but as medical school isn’t particularly good for one’s sex life… I’ve come to appreciate freedom and independence. That being said, I’m pretty miserable if I don’t have a variety of good friends in different social circles.
IrinaGonzalez
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]
OMG I am totally fascinated by this topic. I think I might be one of these girls- at least partially. I’ve been single most of my life but I feel more happy now that I have a bf, even when things aren’t 100% good with him.
allisnotlost
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 03:33 pm: [report]
I disagree! I think if the sign is that you are happier with someone else in your life, you are not truly ready for a relationship. Your expectations will be higher going in, think about it. What you need is some strength to be alone. What if you are with someone and they leave? You cannot always count on others for your happiness. I am not sure why this shrink said such a thing!
It is important to have loving relationships in your life but counting on someone else to add happiness to your own life, wow. That would set me up for co-dependency any day!
Okay, it is nice to be in a relationship for sure, a working, healthy one. But heaven forbid they leave and you are faced with life alone and that you just can’t… quite… suffice… without them… It’s nothing wrong with you, it just means your self esteem could stand to be a bit higher, a few more hobbies perhaps? A few more friends and activities?
_jsw_
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 03:38 pm: [report]
@allisnotlost: “I think if the sign is that you are happier with someone else in your life, you are not truly ready for a relationship. ”
So what you are saying is that the best indicator that you are ready for a relationship is that you think you will be less happy once you’re in one?
allisnotlost
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 03:53 pm: [report]
Let_love_rule: you just have not found the right guy yet! Your significant other should not expect you to change. you should be able to be single or in a relationship as yourself. Careful who you attract, maybe that is where the issue is…
mreo: love is a process, finding the right relationship for one of us is not as easy for everyone. When some of us choose the same person again and again, then wonder where it went wrong, we may not be seeing things as clearly. Don’t give up on the women who go for bad men. They are just not ready for the good ones yet.
Also, like _jsw_ says, bad boys are learning too! Can’t forget them! We are all in a process here, a journey towards our most comfortable/optimal self…?
Earth goddess: I don’t doubt your self awareness but might I point out that you may have to go there one day, you may have to explore the thought of you without someone. I wish you strength and wellness when it comes. May you find your true identity!
I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be happier with someone but I don’t think it is healthy to need a relationship to be one’s best, to NEED it is unhealthy on the mental self and not fair to the partner.
saxysooner: and you may need to explore your issues with intimacy as well. It sounds unhealthy.
FastEddie: has a healthy outlook, good for him!
bedrocka: !!!
LOL, yeah! totally agree there!
seraphmaiden: I like the advice you have put down on this, totally agree!
allisnotlost
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 03:59 pm: [report]
_jsw_ hahaha, that’s not what I meant, sorry! LOL
I meant that if you perceive that you will be happier than you already are, you are setting yourself up for failure.
I am not saying I could not be happier in a relationship. I love having that feeling that there is someone standing behind me no matter what I do but at the same time, I don’t want to get caught up in that. I fear getting into a relationship where I lose my identity and I feel that I would if I went into one with the expectations of being better because of it. I hope I would have the strength to better myself no matter what.
smh
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 04:23 pm: [report]
Why is it either or? Isn’t it more interdependence two whole healthy i.e. living happily quirks and all people who enhance this journey called life
brandyalexander
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 07:45 am: [report]
Hmm. I am probably a little bit of a relationship addict. I usually have a new man two weeks after breaking up with the last (and no, I am not an “overlapper,” its just how it happens). I also tend to stay in bad relationships, or mediocre relationships, simply to be with someone.
When I am single, I sometimes feel like I am floating in a giant abyss or black hole with nothing to hold onto. It gives me panic attacks in the middle of the night.
However, I recently started to overcome this. Part of it is realizing that other kinds of love are as valid, and sometimes more rewarding, than romantic and sexual love. I think single people need to take inventory of the love all around them, of friends, of families, and never underestimate that.
That being said, I’m trying to take it relatively slow with this new dude… but, sigh… he makes me feel so safe and content…
onewriter
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 08:30 am: [report]
@ brandyalexander. I know that feeling. Contentment is amazing. I’ve only had it once in my life and I have it now. What’s amazing about it, is my life is in turmoil with my job and I’m back in school, and dealing with the aftermath of divorce on the kids, but, I’m content like I’ve never imagined. wow.
brandyalexander
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]
That’s awesome, onewriter. Contentment is the place to be
BlueVibe
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 08:59 am: [report]
allisnotlost—
I’m not reading this as saying that some women *can’t* be happy on their own, just that they are happier if they are not. I can be perfectly happy on my own, but I can be a different kind of happy when I’m with somebody.
I agree that the idea that a woman *can’t* be happy single is creepy, but that’s the difference some of us were trying to explain between being *dependent* and simply being happier when paired-up.
I’ve test-driven this a long time. I don’t date much; I’m not somebody who’s been in relationships pretty much straight through since middle school. I don’t stay in bad relationships. I don’t look for a new guy right after I break up with the last one (and I *never* overlap). I’m very happy on my own, but there are things I miss when I’m single. (There are things I miss when I’m not single, too, but I find that if I’m with the right person, I miss them less.)
Iammina
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 12:28 am: [report]
I don’t think that man or women were meant to be alone. We all need a partner to grow old with. The secret for a happy life is not to panic and marry someone just because they ask you or because you want to move out of your parents home into one of your own. Get married for all the right reasons. I consider myself independent and I have outside interests as well but I am always anxious to come home at night and be with my man. He is my number one priority and my best friend.
snap
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
go leo! it’s about time a feminist acknowledged that women who like and/or need men are no less of a feminist because of it!
hnasty
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]
I think the whole thing is a little sad. I think that it would be hard to argue against the fact the best kind of self worth and acceptance comes from within. If you’re not bathing regularly out of respect for yourself, as opposed to respect for him, then… well…
I always find a little inspiration in the Steinem quote “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” If I didn’t learn to answer to myself I would be very lost.
bellarose
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]
If you can’t make yourself happy, who else will be able to? I agree with the fact that it is a different kind of happy that you experience in a relationship, but outside of that you should be able to be happy alone. It’s never going to be the same kind of happy that you experience while you are in a loving, commitited, exclusive relationship. It’s important for me to be content with myself before I can share that with another person.
Being independent and self-sufficient is very important to me - I love to go out, try new things and meet new people. I would be most happy with someone who like to do the same things however I agree with Let_Love_Rule… “It’s as though they are attracted to me because I’m spontaneous and independent, but that isn’t what they want in a girlfriend.” What’s the point of being with someone who doesn’t want to do the same things I want to do. And I find myself while in a relationship putting some of my personal priorities to the wayside, things like cooking dinner for myself(because he wants to go out), staying up late (because he doesn’t have to work tomorrow, but I do), piling up dirty clothes (because I leave them in my car after staying at his house), misplacing my favorite pair of shoes (because I took them off the other day in exchange for his slippers), not working out (because he wants to watch a movie)...etc. etc. etc.
Right now, I’d much rather be on my own, be spontaneous and independent, make some delicious food, always have clean clothes, buy some new shoes, and figure out who I am and what makes me happy because once I know what makes me happy, I will be able to meet a man who fits what I need and he will add to my happiness.
Silver_Stag
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 09:08 pm: [report]
I’m too lazy to read the other comments so I’m sure this has been said before, but whatevs.
I was worried a while back when an article on this site was posted about the two types of single women, the ones happy to be single and the ones not-so-happy, and I was afraid I was in danger of falling into the not-so-happy group simply because I wasn’t bouncing with joy to be single.
I feel like I fall into this category of women, the ones happier in a relationship, and while I’m not ashamed of it I’m not completely satisfied with it either. It’s not that my life is horrible when I’m not in a relationship, things just tend to seem better when there’s a guy in my life. Either way, I feel better having read this article.
pornqueen
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 10:32 am: [report]
I’m happy either way. I’ve been in a relationship and enjoyed it quite a lot but I also love the freedom and independance that single-hood gives you. My happiness is not based on the presence of someone else in my life. I love being by myself, I enjoy doing things on my own. I read somewhere that if you can’t enjoy your company you can’t expect others to enjoy it. It’s true that having someone to share your good and bad times is better but I’ve learned that flying solo sometimes is actually better.
Leonora Epstein
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 04:56 pm: [report]
@ hnasty…thank you so much for introducing me to that quote! wonderful…and perhaps merits another piece and examination. i’m such a gloria fan.
DancerNinja
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
I wish I could be happier in relationships. I can be so ecstatically single, thanks to amazing friends, family, and hobbies that make me giddy, that the idea of even going on a date that *might* become a relationship gives me heart palpitations and a sense for foreboding.
Maybe it’s the slew of past boyfriends that have tried in some way to mold me to more domesticated or attempt to steer me away from friends and hobbies they considered odd “for a girl”. I can chalk it up to bad luck, but such is my baggage.
aroth
wrote on August 8 2009 @ 04:03 pm: [report]
I don’t think this phenomenon is limited to women. I think some *people* are just happier in general when they have a partner to share their life with.