Girl Talk: The Two Kinds Of Single Woman
Posted by: Lauren Fritsky
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Tuesday June 16th 2009
In January, I left a live-in relationship after three years. The experience was all the sad adjectives you can imagine. But after the sobbing spells and the heavy drinking, the fog lifted—I was finally single again for the first time since after I graduated college.
Naturally, I expected my single friends to react with equal doses of giddy glee. For the record, I’m not the kind of girl who ditches my ladies when I’m dating someone. But lots of time does free up when you become single.
As for my coupled-up chums, I expected sad stares. They probably thought I was doomed for spinsterhood after leaving my longest relationship at age 27. “But don’t you want to get married and have kids?” I imagined them asking. When I’d respond, “Not right now,” they’d ignore me and say, “I know someone who’d be perfect for you!”
But that didn’t happen. My taken gals were as supportive as my sturdiest Victoria’s Secret bra.
“I don’t worry about you,” my best friend, who is getting hitched next summer, affirmed. “You’ll be fine, alone or with someone.”
I wiped my brow—my attached amigas didn’t consider my newfound singleness a contagious disease! So obvs, I thought the single ones would feel the same.
That’s when I learned that there are two kinds of single girl. The first kind is independent, secure and just as content to sit at home with Netflix as she is to go out on a date. The other kind is always moaning about being alone and plotting which guy to go after a la an Army general preparing for battle. The “happies” versus the “crappies,” as Wendy Atterberry has written.
Unfortunately, some of my single friends fell into that second category.
At a bar one night, a guy gave me his digits. I wasn’t that interested, but took them anyway. My friend said, “You better call him, because in a few years, no one will be giving you their numbers anymore.”
Ouch. What did that mean?
Another single friend told me she’d feel “defeated” if she were me. Ouch again. Did I suck at life because I’d decided I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person?
A few weeks later, another pal, totally unprompted, said, “You should get on Match.com. Just to have more options.”
“Umm, thanks, but I haven’t been single that long,” I replied, taking a mighty swig of beer.
“Well, it’s just that the pool gets smaller as you get older,” she said. What the hell?
Being in a vulnerable post-breakup state, for a while I let these comments sting. But almost six months later, I’ve learned to ignore them because they don’t apply to me—they apply to the people saying them. Misery does indeed love company.
Now I’m happy to say I’m spending my time with family and happy friends, traveling and just being me. You know what I’m not doing? Stressing about being alone. I’m not that kind of single girl.
Tips:
- Don’t take things bitter friends say to heart. They’re projecting—putting their insecurities on you.
- Don’t chat with negative friends about your love life (or lack there of).
- Don’t feel forced to date because your friends are.
- Do go out with supportive friends of all relationship statuses.
- Do enjoy you. That’s the only person you’ll definitely be with forever.
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bethylane
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
Here’s my hearty AMEN for this one.
The last time I was single, I felt liberated and confident. There were a few nights peppered in, though, when I sat around and searched for answers in a bowl Ben & Jerry’s (ok that’s a lie; it was actually a glass of Jack & Coke).
Ultimately, I realized, there really is NO point in moping around and being upset and down all the time.
The longer you allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, the easier it becomes to remain that way longer. It drains you and you lose the energy to pep yourself back up and pull yourself out.
dudette
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
I love your number 5!
AgentBeryllium
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
@Lauren “My friend said, “You better call him, because in a few years, no one will be giving you their numbers anymore.”
Can you please slap her?!
I’m 32 and I get hit on now as a singleton than I did when I was 28!I really think it is all about confidence. I have always said I would rather be single and happy instead of be miserable in a relationship.
i dumped my BF of 2 years because I was in the spin cycle of relationship death. Meaning things would go good, June would come around and he would need space. then it turns into I love you but I am not ready for a relationship, blah blah blah… I was like enough, I’m getting off of this ride. So I left. Netflix is good. I got the entire Buffy series on order. I go out with friends, and signed up with pof.com it’s free and doesn’t hurt to have men giving me compliments. No one said I was dating or even remotely interested. But talking is completely harmless.
The one quote that is getting me through all of this is:
Never make anyone a priority in your life when they only see you as option.
Good article.
bethylane
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]
@msPriss—“Never make anyone a priority in your life when they only see you as option.” Is this just some anonymous quote, or do you know where it came from? I’ve seen it in a few places and I love it. It is just perfect.
AgentBeryllium
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
@bethylane You know I got it from one of my friends dad’s who likes to send out encouraging email. I think it’s Colin Powell?
This was the forward:
Most by Colin Powell
Truer Words Were Never Spoken
The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve..
Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity.An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people.
As you grow, your associates will change.
Some of your friends will not want you to go on.
They will want you to stay where they are.
Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl.
Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream.
Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.
Consider this:
Never receive counsel from unproductive people.
Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how.
Not everyone has a right to speak into your life.
You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.
Don’t follow anyone who’s not going anywhere.
With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it.
Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life.
Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships.
If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.
“A mirror reflects a man’s face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.”
The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate - for the good and the bad.
Note: Be not mistaken.
This is applicable to family as well as friends.
Yes…do love, appreciate and be thankful for your family, for they will always be your family no matter what.
Just know that they are human first and though they are family to you, they may be a friend to someone else and will fit somewhere in the criteria above.
“In Prosperity Our Friends Know Us.
In Adversity We Know Our Friends.”
“Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them.”
“If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude.”........................Colin Powell
Humble Bee
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
My friends can’t stand to be single, or to be without talking to someone or in the process of hooking up. So talking to them about relationships is like explaining Calculus to Hedi Montag. It’s not gonna happen.
I have been happily single for 6 months now after my 4 year relationship ended. I feel like I got closer to my family & I even distanced myself from friends for a while just so I wouldn’t get their pity comments. They’re too worried about their stupid love triangles to give any good worthwhile advice anyway. Seeking advice is like a freaking sale bin, everything is mostly junk but once in a while you get that awesome piece you keep forever. (p.s. Bethylane, I like that quote too, sometimes we treat the wrong people well, while we forget about those who care about us most, I used to always get out of my way for other people and leave my family last)
mememe
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]
I left a really crappy four year relationship in September, and I have got to say that all my friends, married,seriously dating, or single all had the same advice: Stay single for a while!! At first it was really hard for me and I desperately wanted a boyfriend. As time has past, I feel better about myself than I ever have in my life. This time alone has made me realize the kind of jerks I don’t want in my life anymore and the kind of partner I want to be the next time around.
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 05:52 pm: [report]
This is why I will never allow myself to be single. I would be one of the “crappies” for sure and bring everyone down around me. I’ve never been comfortable being alone, so I avoid it like the plague. The last time I was single, I was 15, and it will never happen again.
moonblossom
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 07:46 pm: [report]
Thank you for writing this! Just what I needed to ‘hear’ today.
canadiancutie
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 09:42 pm: [report]
I wish I could be a happy and contented single person. It would’ve saved me sooo much needless drama and hassle in my life with Mr. Wrongs. And don’t get me started on the “You Know It’ll Never Work Out But He’s Cute ANd Will Do For Now” guys. Uh.
canadiancutie
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 09:51 pm: [report]
The girl in that picture looks like Karen O. of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
Girl_Friday
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 12:57 am: [report]
I’m definitely one of the supportive coupled up girls. I have tons of single friends, who often complain to me about their single-phobic married friends. I usually have to remind them that I’m married. When I do, they say “yeah, but you’re ‘cool married’”.
I think that’s because I was a ‘happy’ in my single life. I was always dating, but never looking for anything serious. And I didn’t consider being single a horrible affliction to be avoided at all costs.
I found it liberating, empowering. I loved living alone, and having my me time, and being utterly selfish. Not having to answer to anyone but myself. Ahh. It felt good… But I digress.
Singledom is a great time in life, because it gives you a chance to get to know yourself. Not to mention, it’s also a time for celebrating your independence. So celebrate! Stay up late, have that extra glass of champagne, and raise your glass in a toast ‘to singledom’.
DancerNinja
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 07:43 am: [report]
When I moved to the Bay Area, I told myself I wouldn’t even consider a relationship for at least the first 6 months because it is so important to me to establish myself and my “role” in this new phase of my life. And thank God, because I am just loving the amazing life I’m creating around me!
Sure, it would be nice to find a dude to share this boundless joy with, but…. when it happens it happens. I wouldn’t change a thing at this point.
Ryan
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 02:53 pm: [report]
I love being single, and I also love being in a relationship. I’m so glad to know that if a relationship goes sour, I’ll be fine by myself. It would truly suck to have to choose between the misery of a bad relationship and the fear of being alone. I try to support my newly single friends as much as possible, because I know some of them simply aren’t wired to be single and happy.
bbpickles
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 07:11 pm: [report]
@ msPriss - I just read that little saying a couple of weeks ago and it made me smile! I love it soooo much!
I am very confident as a single woman and will be happy single until I meet someone I click with. Whether that be 6 months or 6 years! I also LOVE being in a relationship, it’s so nice to have someone to cuddle up to at night or on the couch, and share good times with.
Loves2Spooge
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:47 am: [report]
I see this article as more of an insight as to how friendships mature over the years. These single gal pals, who you obviously shared a great amount in common with in the past, no longer seem to have the same outlook as you. Let’s face it, most of our friendships are made with people we have something in common with us. It appears the three years you spent away from the single life these ladies endured was enough to left you with not a lot in common. It’s time to read that article about breaking up with your friends….
SpecialK
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
Thanks @Ms Priss - A new item for my “Wall” at home!
dreams030684
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 05:21 pm: [report]
This article is great and all the comments along with it.
LeeLeeG
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 02:45 pm: [report]
Your confidence and clarity is an awesome example to both groups of single girls! Thumbs up - you rock!
Lauren Fritsky
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 05:00 pm: [report]
Great comments everyone! @Loves2Spooge (and BTW, I LOVE this name)—you bring up a great point. Don’t think I’m ready to dump them yet, but you’re right about paying attention to how our friendships have changed.
LolaGirl
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 09:31 am: [report]
Ugh… I hate the Debbie Downers of the group.
“I get that you’re insecure. We ALL are. So stop bringing me down!”
Great article, Lauren.
CraftLass
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]
What the crappies don’t realize is that they are doing their best to make sure they don’t end up with a happy relationship, so their advice is completely rotten and their way of making themselves feel good instead by making you feel bad is the worst offense of “friendship”. Anyone who does this is not your friend!
The only way to end up in a better relationship in the future is to have a good one with yourself first. The worst way is to worry about shrinking pools of suitors (which is hardly true anymore with extended bachelorhood becoming more normal and the pool of divorcees) and use that as an excuse to rush into a long-term thing with anyone who will have you. Desperation is thoroughly unattractive.
Not to mention, what kind of friend will kick you when you’re down? Breakups suck even if you are 100% sure it’s the right thing to do, you don’t need guilt and worry on top.
DenverP
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
I think this is a great article and I do agree with it. There are advantages to being single and it can be very enjoyable - by all means, celebrate it!
I also have to say that as much as she didn’t want to hear it, some of the things her single friends told her are true and maybe she should acknowlege that they’re trying to be helpful instead of ‘crappy.’ You can call it ‘negative,’ but reality isn’t always pleasant. Sorry, Lauren, but it’s true that the dating pool really does get smaller as you get older. There will still be lots of men out there - but between the married, the divorced and the bachelors, you will find that will not get easier. You’re 27 and don’t really need to worry about it, but you might feel differently 10 years from now. You don’t have to take all the advice that people give you, but you should have some gratitude for the fact that they care and try to learn something instead of rejecting what you don’t *want* to hear.