Girl Talk: The Girl Before The Girlfriend
Posted by: Christiana Yiallourides
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Tuesday December 2nd 2008
There exists a school of thought that dictates if you think something catastrophic, then it won’t happen. What would happen if my family died in a car accident? What would happen if my house caught on fire? Two summers ago, I asked myself: Wouldn’t it suck if my first love met someone unexpectedly and got over me before I could begin to move on? Thankfully, my family and my house are safe, but my feelings, my love life, and my ego still need mending.
“I met someone.”
The text message appeared on the screen of my phone and I stopped walking. A group of my friends and I were leaving the movie theater, and it was as if all feelings he had for me were obliterated in one night. We broke up because he was studying in Europe. Poetically, we had expressed our feelings for each other just two nights before. Then he became someone else’s boyfriend, and remained so, for much longer than he and I lasted.
I should’ve known it would happen, since it happens quite often. My first kiss, who refused to be my boyfriend, met the girl of his dreams while I still ached for him. They’re still together today. Since then, I’ve been the second choice for several more men.
The most recent ones occurred this summer, when I tried and failed to win the heart of my friend Ken — he started dating the person that he truly liked instead of settling for me. I lost Brian to his ex-girlfriend (although, in that case, I think they belonged together anyway). Each time, I laughed one of those sad, desperate guffaws — here we go again! What makes men connect with the girl of their dreams after sparking with me?
Another concept may be more applicable to my situation: the idea of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps I’m so aware of my “magic touch” that I’m making it happen. While the first love arrived in Europe, I even warned him what may happen. At the time, though, he waved the thought away. “I’m so picky, I rarely really like a girl like I like you,” he typed. A month later, he must’ve been pleasantly shocked to discover my unfortunate power reached across the Atlantic Ocean.
When Ken told me he was dating Mary, I was angry I’d let this happen to me again. I raged at him. He argued that it’s irrational to use my past experience to predict the outcome of my future relationships (or my attempts at them). I’m sure that there’ll be a guy someday who doesn’t find me easy to move on from, but in the meantime I can’t ignore the pattern and pretend that each time was a coincidence, as Ken had wanted me to do.
I don’t know if there is a way to avoid the seemingly inevitable. Each time I let my hopes conquer my superstition, there’s a crash, a burn, a deflation, and the temporary loss of the ability to giggle, but I choose the chance of being the girl before the girlfriend over giving up the chance for breaking my streak.
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Michelle
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 10:59 am: [report]
I know how much it hurts to be second best. I am sorry, really sorry, and hope you get to know someone who’ll love you just as you are, and won’t even try to know how it is to be without you. I mean, I know you’ll meet that guy, but I am hoping it will be soon!
Amelia
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 11:01 am: [report]
This has happened to me more times than I can count! I think, though, that maybe it’s the type of guys you’re “choosing” i.e. ones that might not be the best match for you longterm wise. So while you have fun together, his eyes (and yours, if you’d let them!) will always stray to someone more compatible.
Pipi
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
You are like Good Luck Chuck!!!
This happens to more women and men than you would think. Just think of them as stepping stones along the way to true happiness. The first love thing is hard because you of course will never forget them.
Isabela Laval
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 03:59 pm: [report]
My heart breaks for you. I’m in this predicament right now, so I know exactly how much it hurts to know that you’re “second best”. I wish you all the best, and I hope that your heart is on the road to healing.
Katia
wrote on December 3 2008 @ 12:38 am: [report]
Your story is heartbreaking. I’m going through this right now. Yesterday I saw that the last guy I was with now has a picture of himself with his latest blonde proudly displayed across his Facebook page. It was gutting. I thought I was over him and so proud about my healthy, hard earned sense of apathy towards him. But the moment my eyes clapped on that picture it was ripped away and I was suffused with anger, hurt and a pathetic sense of despondency. So much for my arduous healing process. I think what bothers me the most - and I dont know if I can explain this well - is that I feel like I’ve been left behind. It’s like he’s just bumbled (for he is a bumbling loser) onto the next waiting woman and I’m still stuck dealing with all the fallout. I feel like I’ve been abandoned and I hate that. I don’t know where this is coming from. It’s not like I want him back. I guess it’s just painful to know that I was so irrelevant to him that he quickly and easily moved on to someone new.
juliePS
wrote on December 3 2008 @ 07:49 am: [report]
It’s a crappy situation to be in, but I’ve been settled for so many times that I’m almost happy when they leave now. I’d so much rather be alone than with someone who is settling for me. Of course, I also tell myself that, hey, if they hadn’t been with me, they wouldn’t have learned how to be such a kickass significant other for the next one. ;p
christianay
wrote on December 3 2008 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
Thanks for your support, everyone.
I’m loving that iStock always has the perfect image for every story.
sarabeth
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 11:27 pm: [report]
In the vein of misery loves company, try being the last girlfriend before the wife. Everyone I’ve dated for more than 3 months is now married to the woman he dated immediately after me. Really. I’ve been making men ready for marriage since 1994!
christianay
wrote on December 6 2008 @ 01:20 am: [report]
Oh my! sarabeth, I’m sorry!
NotAfraidOfTheTruth
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 06:00 pm: [report]
It bothers me that you’re not seriously considering the most sane and rational explanation for this result for your relationships, which is, that you are scaring men away from the desire to date. They meet you, and they ask themselves, “If this is what dating is all about, I need to get out of the game” and subsequently are motivated to make an appropriate pick for a long-term relationship to avoid a possible repeat performance.
If your dating experience with these guys was awesome, they’d either stay with you or continue to have short-ish term relationships to repeat what they liked about your relationship.
Science and rational thinking people. That’s how we solve problems. That, and a box of kleenex.
Good luck!
IsitMe
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 06:36 pm: [report]
I met a guy about a year and a half, we started off great, he was perfect, has a career,nice car,a nice bank account,is very funny, and is good looking,treated me good. For the first few weeks,were great,then i gave in and we had sex and everything changed,i don’t know if it was me or him,but we just weren’t like we used to be. I have to leave over the summer so i could work in another city,he said oh i’ll come visit you,and so on. Summer came,and nothing,we barely talked. I come back the the same city we live in, i see him once, we talk,and that’s about it. We haven’t spoken in months. And today i look at his facebook and see that he is engaged to his old gf,the one that “almost” cheated on him,by kissing another guy. I guess i should have seen it coming since i knew he still had feelings for her. But when we were together he made it seems as if we would be together for a long time,and everything was good.
I am now in a great relationship,but after finding out he’s engaged, it has made me feel very insecure,and sad,and somewhat depressed, i love the man i’m with now, but i don’t know why i took my exs enagagement so hard.
lindsey
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 06:38 pm: [report]
I feel you! This is my very first time on this website, a friend sent it to me to cheer me up and remind me that dating would become fun again at some point, and hear I find your article which I so can relate to. I have had what you describe happen to me with the last 3 men in my life! What I found most upsetting, was that I feel that there’s this myth told to women, “just love yourself first and all else will fall into place” and it was confusing to me to feel rejected when I am at the strongest and softest and most solid place in my womanhood. But like many things in life, it’s how you see it. A good guy friend of mine just told me to think of these as near-misses to bad long-term relationships. It is much better to be single than to get into something not right. And when you do, it’ll be that much sweeter. So chin up, and thanks for sharing! It’s good to know that there are other hot women out there who are good writers to boot that this also has happened to.
Jase
wrote on December 23 2008 @ 12:26 am: [report]
This was interesting to me because I have a similar (though different) sell-fulfilling prophecy. With my first girlfriend, my brother sagely remarked to me that this relationship wouldn’t go the way I wanted it to. It wasn’t meant to be cruel, but rather to be honest so I wouldn’t get my hopes up only to be dashed. He probably saw things I wasn’t willing to see myself. It did serve to keep my expectations in check—and he did ultimately end up being right.
Since then I’ve always tried to be much more vigilant and honest with myself about what’s right and wrong with any relationship I get into. But regardless, there always comes a point when I’ve come to know the other person enough and some issue arises and in the back of my head I suddenly hear him say those words again, “This isn’t going to go the way you want it to.” And that little voice has always been right. But it does serve to keep me from getting too swept up so I usually come out okay on the other end.
Sometimes I feel cursed and that every relationship I find myself in is meant to be doomed. But then I rationalize with myself that every relationship will always come to a natural end at some point until I meet the “right one.” That’s what it means to be single and everyone single has gone through the exact same thing. But once you meet the “right one,” it doesn’t matter how many “wrong ones” you go through because it only takes one “right one” to make the rest of them not matter.
In your case, maybe as others have said you’re simply finding yourself attracted to guys you really don’t have long term compatibility with. Maybe dating you makes them realize what they they really want or need so they know what they’re looking for then. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you except maybe you’re not being honest with yourself about what’s really going to work for you.
Or maybe they’re just stupid jerks that don’t realize what they lost.
BrunetteBeauty
wrote on December 26 2008 @ 01:35 am: [report]
LOL you’re lucky, I’m the girlfriend before the wife. My last 4 boyfriends married the girls they dated right after me. Wtf up with that?
RachelF
wrote on December 27 2008 @ 11:30 am: [report]
I totally agree. I’m the girlfriend before the wife. I just got out of dating someone for 3 years. We were going to try to get back together in September. And now, 3 months later, I find out he is living with his new girlfriend. This is after he told me he wants to be with me. So yes, I feel hurt and upset all at once. And so insignificant in his life that he could pick himself up and is happy right now obviously, and I am still hurting all alone. It is difficult, and it is easy to tell people to pick themselves up, love themselves, and they will be ok—when in reality the process takes a lot longer time than someone thinks (unless they are in the situation). I feel for all of you girls, and this kinda thing makes me happy to know I’m not alone!
Rori Raye
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]
Christiana - I don’t know how old you are - but if what you want is a permanent, long-term relationship - what are you doing concerning yourself with being a “girlfriend”? This is a useless strategy. You should be dating all kinds of men, many men - and all at the same time. You should NEVER be invested in one man until you have exactly what you want. You should be having FUN - not pining after some man. If this idea seems far fetched to you, let me know and I’ll be happy to help. Sincerely, Rori Raye