Girl Talk: The Cathartic Post-Breakup Haircut
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
9:30AM, Monday October 13th 2008
I’ve been growing my hair out for 10 years, ever since I got a totally tragic close-crop days before graduation from high school. I had kind of low self-esteem and I was majorly obsessed with Gwyneth Paltrow’s new short cut (you know the one—it closely resembled then boyfriend Brad Pitt’s hair too)—I came to the conclusion that if I cut off all my hair just like hers, I, too, would be pretty. Fat chance. The haircut, for starters, was poorly executed. Additionally, my hair was still in that post-puberty stage of frizzy horribleness—and I did not yet understand that flat irons and blow dryers could be my friend. The haircut was a disaster and I have spent the last 10 years growing it out, associating prettiness and femininity with length.
In that time, however, my self-esteem has grown exponentially and I have definitely become more self-assured—not just in who I am, but in how I convey who I am via my personal style. But my hair has always been my security blanket. Past my bra strap now, I have been thinking for a long time about when and if I should cut it—after all, how long would this grow out continue? Until I was channeling Crystal Gayle? Never mind the fact that I very rarely wear it down and never actually do anything to “style” it. When I go to yoga, it takes two hair ties to keep it out of my face and I stare with envy at all the other girls with shorter hair, who don’t have to fuss. It’s constantly knotted underneath and, even though my mom thinks it’s beautiful, I have been over my long hair for a while now.
When my fiance called off our wedding and moved out, someone said to me, “Remember, no matter what, don’t do something silly, like get a major haircut, right now.” It’s one of the cardinal rules of breakup behavior, and the perfect “told ya so” example is, of course, Keri Russell from the TV show “Felicity,” who famously chopped off her amazing mane of curly hair after she (and her character) broke up with their respective boyfriends. She basically didn’t have a career for a couple years afterward. I considered all of that when I made an appointment to get my hair cut and then said, “Oh, f**k it.”
In total, I cut off about seven or eight inches of hair. Ironically, Gwyneth Paltrow was my inspiration again, but this time I was going for her long bob. I didn’t cry. I didn’t for one second feel like I was doing it to be like, “Screw you, ex-fiance! I’m single! I can cut my hair off and not give a crap whether you like it!” I did it because I feel very much like I am in a major turning point in my life. I don’t know what the future holds, but despite the awful shock of losing my soul mate, of not getting married, of living alone suddenly, I feel bizarrely confident and secure. I think that’s the key component of any major “image” change—you can do it to GAIN confidence. You have to have confidence, you have to believe in who you are and know it’s just hair. If you hate it, it will grow. And for heaven’s sake, there’s no way a horrible hair cut could make me feel worse than I already do.
My hair stylist, Jay, who is the most adorable chick who just beams with positive light (example: she recommended I cleanse my apartment of the negative energy by burning sage and stuff), told me that your hair holds a lot of emotions. And when I think how long the hair that I cut off had been on my head, I realize how much that hair went through with me over those 10 years. And it did feel like such a relief to cut it off. I walked out of the salon with a definite spring in my step, and it wasn’t because I thought I looked like a hot piece—I think cutting my hair was a bit symbolic of how strong I’m discovering myself to be, during a really difficult time. I’m totally proud of that.
UPDATE: I give the people what they want.
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Jocelyn Nubel
wrote on October 13 2008 @ 10:19 am: [report]
::GASP:: Before/After photo please!!!
TheSavage
wrote on October 13 2008 @ 11:33 am: [report]
Yes, post a before and after! Spoiler alert: I have seen a picture, and it looks amazing!
krissy
wrote on October 13 2008 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
You look gorgeous! With the new cut your hair looks healthy.
I’m debating cutting my hair also. I’ve grown it out to my midback after having short hair for 10 years in the military. I’m starting to think long hair is not all that it’s cracked up to be.
blueclover56
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 03:54 am: [report]
Tres Chic!! You look beautiful, good choice on the cut.
juliePS
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 06:43 am: [report]
very cute! I’ve always been a huge fan of the post-breakup haircut. You’re moving on to something new and your hair can move with you. But then again, I’m also a huge fan of messing around with hair period, because hey, it grows back. After I left my three-year relationship I hacked a LOT off my hair (which is saying something—I had probably 3-4” of hair to start with) because my now ex was obsessed with hating my hair and telling me to grow it out, which I did, just to make him happy. Reclaiming my short hair was reclaiming my identity. So in that case, I was motivated by spite, but I think it worked out pretty well, hehe.
plus I have a theory that your hair only looks as good as you think it does. I have a face that, according to literally everyone I know, should NOT have short hair, but I went from elbow-length to a buzzcut a few years ago and I get so much more positive attention now because I freaking love the way my hair looks.
Jennifer B.
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 07:22 am: [report]
I always end up doing a post-break-up hair cut and crying in the stylist’s chair. Of course, I go from long to super-short. So now I pull from my inner-self and try to keep perspective ... and my hair only gets cut after much thought.
jenn
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 08:15 am: [report]
If any of you do cut off your hair (more than 10 inches), be sure to donate it to locks of love!
Amelia
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 08:26 am: [report]
@jenn I so badly wanted to do this, but I just didn’t have enough hair.
Alex
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 08:51 am: [report]
@Amelia so sorry about your breakup…I did the same thing when it happened to me cut the hair and dyed it from blonde to brunette..it was good for a while and the color faded and I grew it out again.. Does this mean the “break” is official- I am so sorry..But at least you have a new look in which you can paint the town red in..
Amelia
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 08:56 am: [report]
@Alex Break is officially a breakup. Changed my Facebook status and everything. C’est la vie!
Jocelyn Nubel
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 09:30 am: [report]
Cathartic experience, it seems, with a beautiful outcome! You look gorgeous, Amelia!
Luna_C3
wrote on October 15 2008 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
The after photo totally rocks. Style is always a great pick me up.
ambrosia
wrote on October 15 2008 @ 02:57 pm: [report]
So funny, Amelia…
I did the EXACT same thing last fall. I always had long, thick brown hair and I just got blonde highlights and chopped it to my neck (MAJOR!!!)
But you know what? I can’t even imagine myself with long hair right now. It was in all the pictures of me and my ex, my locks of hair flipped to one side, holding onto him. Now I look totally different. I feel sexy, there’s a spring in my step and there’s something very non-committal about me that brings the boys in a little more!
Sarah
wrote on October 15 2008 @ 03:23 pm: [report]
I got the pre-breakup haircut. I once got a really cute, very short, layered cut, because I just felt like it. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a month later.
He refused to give me a reason for the break up, but since he proved to be so shallow, I think it may have been the hair that caused it.
Amelia
wrote on October 15 2008 @ 03:24 pm: [report]
@Sarah I am pretty sure this guarantees karma will make him lose all his hair and go completely bald.
Brigit
wrote on October 16 2008 @ 09:12 am: [report]
I chopped off a good bit of hair yesterday. I just broke up, for good, with a boyfriend I have been with for 6 of the past 10 years. Turns out he’s got a mean, abusive streak and I’m not so fond of how I look with a black eye… Anyway, I only realized mid-haircut what I was doing (the classic, cut-your-hair-after-a-breakup move). I mentioned it to my hairstylist and we both cracked up laughing. I didn’t do it because the relationship is over, but it is nice to have a totally fresh perspective on myself as I enter this somewhat unfamiliar territory of singledom. Wish me luck!
Charmaine
wrote on October 16 2008 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
YAY FOR YOU!!!
And you look fantastic!
Kenya
wrote on October 16 2008 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
You look really sassy now! Beautiful.
Elizabeth
wrote on October 16 2008 @ 07:02 pm: [report]
Good choice on the hair cut! The length suits you, you look beautiful.
Lauren
wrote on October 17 2008 @ 08:32 am: [report]
Everytime I break up I move. It’s a little more extreme, but I like getting an entirely new apartment after a heartache. Plus, I get to focus on packing and getting rid of stuff.
Zacharie
wrote on October 17 2008 @ 10:09 am: [report]
It has been said the word love frees us from the weight and pain of life, however, just a simple haircut is just as liberating. Pardon my sappiness, but without the excess love-weight you learn to appreciate and recognize genuine love again, and in my case, hopefully learn not to take it for granted…or let others.
toyen
wrote on October 17 2008 @ 10:46 am: [report]
You looks fabulous! It’s very sleek and polished.
And too funny, I did the same thing—but a couple of weeks ago. I think I was actually anticipating the break-up. I cut off about 5 or 6 inches into a chin-length bob and dyed it from light brown with highlights to dark brown.
I’ve gotten so many compliments. One from a cute guy at the Cat Power show, who also loved my tattoos that the new ‘do is now showing off. (He had to be gay! Do straight guys compliment hair cuts?)
Anyway, break-up makeovers are totally cathartic. And fun! And you look great!
pinkbunnie
wrote on October 17 2008 @ 11:06 am: [report]
You look lovely in both pictures. A lot of people don’t realize how hard it is to ‘surrender to the blade’. Our hair is our signature. I recently cut off about 6 inches of my hair because it just looked awful. No matter what I did, I was boring and a drag to style and I wound up tying it up anyway. It took me a while to get rid of it though. I was so attached to it but it was ugly.
Then I saw a friend that is recovering from breast cancer. She had never cut or dyed her hair. After her mastectomy she had to deal with the loss of her 3 1/2 feet of hair. She was more devistated by that than anything else. She’s put it in perspective though. Even it meant something to her, it’s still just hair and it will grow back even stronger. She looks great with her pale blonde page-boy and she’s cancer free!
I wish you the best!
Cattie
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 09:46 pm: [report]
Wow, the after photo is way, way gorgeous! Definitely a good rash decision.
Jen
wrote on October 24 2008 @ 09:33 am: [report]
Oddly enough, this article is very inspiring to me. I’m a little over two-weeks past break-up. He called it off, we were living together and two days ago I find myself in the middle of my very own new apartment surrounded by boxes. Maybe I should shake things up a bit at the hairdresser! Though I do cut off 9 inches to donate in July…
Cremey C
wrote on October 24 2008 @ 11:41 am: [report]
Hair cuts are always awesome when you need some thing different, a change of pace, especially when it’s time to find another dude.
Jess
wrote on October 28 2008 @ 04:10 am: [report]
Its so nice to have a change to get you back and bright. Great job looks amazing!
erin
wrote on November 8 2008 @ 11:12 pm: [report]
i did the pre-breakup heair cut. my hair was past the middle of my arm and i just needed a change cuz i knew the relationship wasnt working and i was kind of anticipating the break up…i have a cycle its so weird…i become involved with a guy, we become “official”, we fight around the 7-month mark, then he gives me a necklace, i cut my hair, and its usually over within a month of the haircut. this was the longest relationship ive ever had (2 & 1/2 years) so it was dragged out a little more than the others. but it felt so liberating to cut it. im now trying to grow it in a little cuz the last cut was TOOOOOO TOO short it makes me feel like a boy. but i def want to keep it about shoulder length from now on. your hair looks amazing!!!!! love it!
marlena
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 03:35 am: [report]
Yea, it is really good job. right foto is much better.
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