Girl Talk: Should You Remain Friends With Your Ex?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:30PM, Friday March 20th 2009
To cut or not to cut an ex from your life after a breakup, that is the question. Just last week, a dear friend of mine had her divorce finalized after a long, drawn-out three year separation. Upon hearing that her now ex-husband wants to cut off all communication with her for the foreseeable future, she’s distraught. Over the course of their separation, they’d managed to remain quite friendly, keeping in touch with phone calls and texts, and even meeting up for occasional dinners out and seeing bands together they both loved. But now that the divorce is finalized, her ex says he needs time to process the ending of their marriage and to really close that chapter and move on. She’s devastated that she won’t have him in her life the way she has in the last few years and thinks he’s being unreasonable and even a little mean. I, on the other hand, think he’s doing what’s best for them both and that a little space will give them the kind of closure they probably could have benefited from years ago.
Of course, every relationship and breakup is different and there isn’t a one right way to navigate a post-breakup friendship, but in general, cutting off an ex, at least for the short-term, seems like a healthy way to process feelings and figure out who “you” are when you’re no longer part of a “we.” It can be tempting to remain close to the person whose life was so intertwined with yours, but jumping into a friendship with an ex muddles those often very confusing emotions following a breakup. About five years ago when I amicably ended a four-year live-in relationship, I continued to see my ex-boyfriend on a weekly basis. I’d often go to his apartment after one of my evening classes in graduate school since his apartment was just a short walk from campus. We’d order or cook dinner together and settle in for some TV-watching and I’d think, See, this isn’t so bad? Breakups don’t have to be so sad!
The truth was, things felt so similar to how they were when we were still a couple, I think I just extended my healing process months longer than it had to be. When I started dating other guys, it just seemed really odd and confusing to continue this somewhat emotionally intimate relationship with someone I knew I needed to move away from in order to truly “clean my relationship palette.” It was sad walking away from him completely, but breakups are supposed to be sad, and in the end, cutting contact from him was what finally helped me close that chapter for good and realize just how much happier I was on my own…and how much richer a relationship could be with someone who was right for me. It’s really in feeling those often uncomfortable emotions that we move to a healthier emotional space.
I’m not saying one can never be friends with an ex. Depending on how serious the relationship was to begin with, or how easy the breakup was, it’s possible to immediately and seamlessly move into a friendship. Additionally, even serious relationships that end with a lot of emotional fanfare can eventually create enough distance to be close again. I’ve never experienced the latter myself, but then, I never really saw the point in rekindling a friendship with anyone who valued a day of golf over everything else. Perspective is usually a better friend than any ex can be…
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subpar
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 02:16 pm: [report]
I have a million friends that *need* to be friends with their ex, or see them, or talk to them and it’s straight up the wrong thing to do if you really are trying to move on with your life. Some people seem to think that it’s okay because they can handle being friends right afterwards, but that doesn’t mean the other person can and it’s not right to drag them through something they’re not ready for. It’s selfish.
I broke up with my ex after two years and we talked sporatically for a few weeks when he informed me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. My intial reaction was to be upset, jealous, etc; but he had every right to try his best to get past our relationship (which I had callously ended). If ignoring me is part of that, so be it.
I don’t know anyone who is really friends after breaking up, I know people who pretend to be friends. But I’m talking about more serious relationships. Getting along and being friends is hardly the same thing.
lexi
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]
People who think they can remain friends with their ex need to read “It’s Called a Breakup Because Its Broken” from the same people who wrote “He’s Just Not That Into You”... you never move on if you don’t take them out of your life.
k8buzz
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
If you weren’t friends before, you don’t need to be friends after.
Lynn
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 03:41 pm: [report]
I’ve actually been changing my views on this in the past year or so.
I used to be ALL ABOUT staying friends with exes and I would actually get pissed if they didn’t want to stay friends with me. I used to say that I would kick any guy to the curb if he couldn’t accept my friendships with them. Now I understand it better - maybe because now, my relationships are more serious (so I have a more serious interest in not hurting my current BF by talking to exes, and I would actually be concerned about him being friends with an ex now that I’m more serious about him than I was about most past boyfriends), and I’ve been through enough breakups to realize that it just can’t always happen. And I don’t always want it to happen.
That being said, one of my *very* best friends is an ex boyfriend. The rest have pretty much fallen out of my life, but he’s still around and we talk all the time (don’t hang out anymore because he moved away, but I go visit him when he’s back at home for holidays). I think it works for us because #1 we were friends for a year or so before we dated, so we had a frame of reference for when we wanted to pick up a friendship later #2 when we dated it was never that serious - I knew it was just a “fun for now” sort of a thing, so I never got romantically attached to him beyond that. After we broke up, we didn’t hang out for about a month because I was worried about the pain, but then I realized that I wasn’t actually in that much breakup pain and we resumed our friendship.
Yellow
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 04:03 pm: [report]
Like Lynn, I too have a very close friend in an ex. We were also friends before we dated for two and a half years. In retrospect, our relationship also felt more like a friendship than a romantic partnership. We broke up pretty amiably due to one of those ‘wrong time/wrong place things’ more than ‘wrong person’, and attempted an immediate friendship, which SUCKED. We basically made life a living hell for each other. We then cut off contact with each other for about a year, and have since reconciled to a great, healthy friendship. He’s been dating someone else for a year and a half now, and I’ve had a number of BFs since him, and we easily talk about our relationships, and keep honest communication lines with our current partners about each other. It helps that we live several hundred miles apart, so our partners don’t feel threatened by cheating. I don’t know, it just WORKS.
That said, I think what I have with my ex is a rare thing, and it takes certain types of people, relationships, break ups, etc to make it work. My advice for any ladies considering:
-no matter how “well” your break up went, give yourself space so you can both process your emotions.
-make an agreement that you won’t discuss your romantic relationship with each other. Talking about that time you went camping and you burned your lip on a smore or whatever is cool, but your sex life—HELL NO
-if you aren’t being honest with each other about your lives, and you aren’t being honest with your lives about your ex friendship, something is not right
saysay
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 08:45 pm: [report]
There is obviously not a single answer to this question, it varies couple,or ex couple,to couple. The one true way to test it though is to think about talking to your ex about other guys or girls, and deciding how comfortable you’d be with that. If you have to lie or if hearing about their latest hook-up would hurt, then you shouldn’t be friends. Too bad I suck at taking my own advice! The End.
alliecat
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 09:13 pm: [report]
This article is something I wrestle with myself - my roommate and I dated for over three years before I called it off. We continued living together, but started seeing other people. Talk about AWKWARD. I constantly felt like I was cheating on him, or felt like he was cheating on me by dating someone new. Conversations about significant others were strained and I got sick to my stomach when I knew he was texting Her. It took us a year before we both started feeling comfortable as friends, but it finally happened, and now, I laugh when he complains about his new girlfriend’s faults, and he’s always ready to offer me advice on guys. My life really would suck without him, so I’m glad that our relationship has finally evolved.
He’s only my second ex to become a friend, and it seems like, after I date them, if my exes become friends at all, they become brothers to me. The rest of my exes drop off the face of the earth and I simply carry the lessons I learned into my future relationships.
Fizzy
wrote on March 21 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]
I’m still friends with my ex, and I don’t feel like I can’t move on because he’s still in my life.
It just wouldn’t make sense if we stopped talking to each other. It would be something we would have to force ourselves to do. Why do that just because other people think it’s healthier?
Titi
wrote on March 22 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]
Hell yes, you can be friends with an ex. I’m still close with several of my exes. I think the nature of the relationship has a lot to do with it. If you liked ‘em enough to date ‘em, they must be pretty cool, right? Just because dating didn’t work out doesn’t mean a friendship won’t.
However, I think there needs to be a period directly after the break up in which you don’t see the ex for a couple of months (longer if it was a serious relationship).
I had an awesome, very serious live-in boyfriend for 5 years. He’s one of the best men I have ever known. We broke up amicably over 4 years ago and have remained good friends—he’s like family to me. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. He’s now married to my best friend and they’re perfect for each other. My fiance and I have had some pretty kick-ass double dates with them. So yes, it’s possible.
Powder Room Talk
wrote on March 22 2009 @ 03:32 pm: [report]
I think it all depends on the relationship you had and what caused the breakup? You don’t want to be friends with someone who was unfaithful or a straight up crazy right? So it all depends. I think ideally you can try to become friends if you’re in the same circle of friends or work. A lot of times you date people that are not your best fit in a relationship, they can be friend material though down the road or given the relationship history.
Ideally, and in most cases you shouldn’t because you need to move & you can’t allow someone new in your life is there’s a person taking up space they shouldn’t.
When you still have feelings that’s a HUGE no-no. It’s like stabbing your eye with a toothpick each time you maintain communication. It keeps hurting!
pyperjanelle
wrote on March 22 2009 @ 07:20 pm: [report]
I disagree with Lexi.
My boyfriend and I recently ended our relationship. We dated for 3 years. He has a new girlfriend so he’s clearly moved on, and we still talk every single day.
That’s a real friendship…
Humble Bee
wrote on March 23 2009 @ 10:06 am: [report]
My ex didn’t want to be my friends, I totally understood, I broke it off on my end, the only thing is that I still wanted to have intercourse with him. So I waited about 2 weeks into the break up to ask him if he wanted to be friends with Benefits he agreed, we stayed late after work that evening and tried to have sex, oh it was horrible. I could tell he was really nervous, and in the end he couldn’t get it up. I was a bit frustrated because this whole FWB wasn’t even worth it. I wasn’t a bitch, I tried to help him out, but it wouldn’t get hard. I finally got up and he begged me to keep trying, he said he’d waited so long for that moment. I felt genuinely bad, needless to say, I’m never trying that again. When your the one who breaks it off and you know he’s still into you, don’t go back. When it’s a mutual break up, thats a whole nother’ story.
Perceptible
wrote on March 23 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
I think it’s best to cut all ties with an ex unless you have kids together. In that case, you have to work to be friendly for their sakes. The kids should be spared all the sordid details whenever possible.
Mrc72
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 09:35 am: [report]
Hello Ladies, its always good to hear from the female view and I agree with a lot of you, it all depends on the individuals involved, why ended, how deep the feelings etc. My last long term relationship over 2 yrs , i have no intention of being friends, to much emotional baggage involved, not to mention she went off with someone else. However a recent relationship of only 3 months we feel we can stay as friends , simply the spark didn’t develope between us, but we do get on and enjoyed sharing our interests etc, its just one of those things, relationship it did not click, but you may end up being good as friends, obviously you have to have the initial no contact and take it from there.
prometheus
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 04:29 pm: [report]
Wow… this brings it home. My girlfriend and I just ended for the final time. After dating for a year and half, we sadly disintegrated into much back + forth. The caring + emotions were still there, but something had to give. One wanted it, one did not. Both were affected by the push + pull.
It’s ‘because’ my emotions are still there, that I could not transition to friendship overnight. She hoped I’d feel different. I changed my number that day… perhaps impulsively. But I needed to remove myself from the arena of ‘us’ and the constant cycle of reconciling… and ending.
It’s sad, and not how I would have wished it to be. In a year or more, I may be ready to sit with her and have no problems catching up on her life (and talk openly about who we’ve both dated). But not now. For me, emotions need to be extinguished, and enough time needs to pass before the healing can begin.
Like other posters stated, it does depend on the relationship, and the people involved.
BlueVibe
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
I never stay friends with exes. There’s too much potential for misread cues, giving into what-if? fantasies, etc. I’m not angry at them, I don’t hate them, I don’t avoid them . . . I just let it go.
Slashley
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 02:07 pm: [report]
i have some exes that are friends now and most others that are not. some i am friendly with, but not friends per say. one of my best friends is my ex boyfriend from college, but it took over a year and 3000 miles for that to happen. now we can talk about anything and it is a really important relationship. i don’t even refer to him as my ex at this point… just my friend. the last few relationships i’ve had though i thought we could stay friends but then as soon as we would try i would just feel the same anger and resentment towards them that i did in the end. and it doesn’t seem to matter how much time passes. so i’ve had to completely cut them off.
my most recent break up should result in a friendship, but right now i am trying to navigate what the path is to get there. it was a very short lived relationship (2 months). super intense in the very start and then the spark and the passion just died out. we kept seeing each other but it was clear that we were just friends so we decided to just quit the dating. but now i don’t know if we have to go through the no contact stuff for a bit or if the fact that we were really just friends for the past month anyhow means that we can just keep going as if there was no break up. i just hope he was as serious as i was about the whole friend thing.
meh. every relationship is different is what i am trying to say in a roundabout… and it is quite possible to be friends with exes. but it is also good to acknowledge that if you are friends with an ex… it is a different kind of friendship with kind of ambiguous codes of conduct.
Escorpio
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 01:13 am: [report]
I am 45 an I am married. I fell deeply, hopelessly in love with a 53 year old divorced woman I met in school. Even though she was clear that she didn’t want a relationship with a married man, we stay friends. However, my feelings for her increased over the time. For some reason, she didn’t want to get rid of me, maybe because her own feelings of loneliness, and we spent short periods together. She set the boundaries, no sex, no kissing in the mouth, just hugs and holding hands. We went to the movies, we enjoyed dinners together, we spent long horur talking by phone. At the end, my feelings for her increased and I asked for more. She rejected my attempts over and over again. I start to believe that she was using me, but also I have the hope that she have feelings for me, otherwise she wouldn’t keep me. I was so confused and I didn’t know what to do. To add to my confusion, she gave me mixed signals. I decided to walk away and it is painful but was the best for me