Girl Talk: Should I Have Told My Boyfriend’s Parents That I’m Depressed?

joyy
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]

Hah, I have to laugh a little because my own answer to that question (I’m not planning a book, but I haven’t written in years and will probably start back up again before too long) would have been: suicide.

I think the only way to break stigma is to talk openly and honestly about things.  My family and my bf’s family doesn’t talk about this stuff, but he and I do, and I do with my friends all the time, whether they like it or not. 

Not talking about problems only makes them worse, and if his rents are reasonable, decent human beings, they’ll realize that your blunt and open attitude towards discussing your issues means that you acknowledge and deal with it - and that’s way better than the future-daughter-in-law who is just straight up crazy and needs help but won’t get it or who buries her head in the sand instead of doing something.  And hey, if you end up getting a rep in his family for being honest, that can’t be the worst thing, right?

*sam*
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 02:52 pm: [report]

I think it’s perfectly fine that you told them. I have the same problem, and while I’ve never been officially diagnosed, a school counselor gave me the ‘unofficial’ recommendation to see the nurse practitioner to start meds… at any rate, I literally *just* told my bf this this past weekend (and we’ve been dating for over a year, and were best friends for 6 before that!!)—so, I understand your personal stigma. However, like you said, there’s no way to control those random bouts of crappiness, and it really helps people accept them for what they are when they understand what’s going on. I honestly think the only reason why I finally caved and told him was b/c we started fighting a/b why I was so sad all the time and why I “wouldn’t let him help me feel better.” Since I told him, he’s been more supportive and *finally* understands not to blame himself when I’m feeling down.

As for telling his folks though, if it came up in conversation, I would absolutely tell them. I mean, his mom has a masters in psychology, and pinned me for being OCD (and having other anxiety problems in general) within the first week of knowing me, so,telling her I have problems with depression I think would only help us become a little closer—even though we’re really close already.   Basically, if you know his family likes you and accepts you already, then letting them know an intimate detail a/b yourself like that can only strengthen those bonds. Otherwise, when something happens and you can’t seem to pull yourself out of bed for an entire weekend, they’re all going to be worrying a/b you and fretting over what’s going on instead of just being understanding and supportive.

Skwisgiirl
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]

I’m not sure I would have said that—not after 5 months, anyway. While you should by no means be ashamed about anything, I just don’t know if I would have been that open about myself.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for ~4.5 years and living together for one, and still I keep my more personal moments to myself—but I’m sure that this stems largely from the fact that we’ve lived far away from our families for the entire relationship.

However, you know his parents far better than any of us could, and if you felt comfortable divulging your truth, then you did the right thing. If his parents are going to judge you for it, that’s their problem, not yours.

Coral
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 04:04 pm: [report]

I think that it’s okay you admitted your depression to his parents. But I think what is more important (and can sometimes make others feel more comfortable) is to discuss WHY you have been/are depressed. Because the more people know about others, the more understanding they can be. Not everyone has had an easy life, and people have mental and emotional problems for various reasons. And if you yourself can answer why you have been/are depressed, then it’s only a sign that things are turning around, and it shows the parents that you have a grasp on it and that you are working on getting better. Because sometimes telling someone that you’re depressed makes you look like you’re moping too much or looking for pity, or that you don’t value yourself enough.

tigerstripe
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 04:06 pm: [report]

I think it’s great that you were so honest with them.  Whether or not they are going to judge you isn’t really something you have control over, so I’d try not to worry about it if I were you.  But some people may not know anyone who deals with depression, at least not openly.  Your candid response and your openness to talking about it may serve to educate them about depression, because for some people it’s kind of the elephant in the room.

kw1223
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 05:46 pm: [report]

I have anxiety and mild depression and everyone who knows me knows it.  I make jokes about my Lexapro/Wellbutrin coctail and I tell people I’m perfectly balanced when I take them.  I also tell them I didn’t realize how unbalanced I was until I tried to stop taking them about a year ago and assure people that I’m not interested in feeling like crap so I will continue to take them until I die.

A lot of people have unbalanced brain chemicals and it’s not a bad thing to take meds to regulate them.  If you had high blood pressure no one would give it a second thought if you lowered your soduim intake and took prescription meds to regulate it.  Depression isn’t any different.

mcosita
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 06:56 pm: [report]

I JUST did this a few weekends ago. My boyfriend was out of town and his mom came and visited me for the day. I was going through a really tough time and felt really alone, so I spilled everything - family history, medications I’d gone on/off of, how it’s affecting my relationship with her son - to her.

Looking back, I could have done it with more tact and saved myself a little face, but she was really supportive and very nice about it all, but definitely not sure what to say or how to act (nothing like this runs in their family). As soon as she left I regretted it, but now I’m glad I did it. Honesty is the best policy, and she was there for me when I needed her to be. We weren’t extremely close beforehand, but after she helped me through a rough time, I feel a lot closer to her—it was kind of weird bonding moment.

csrobins
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 09:19 pm: [report]

Very good question. I have dealt with the same thing. I think eventually they have the right to know especially if you are going to be the wife of their son or the mother of their grandchildren one day. But timing is everything. You know how close you are to them already and how they feel about issues-everyone’s different. I struggled with anorexia throughout college and it has taken quite a toll on my life and will continue to affect it if not physically then mentally and emotionally. I cannot tell you how paranoid I am that they know somehow and I always make sure to never act out any fear of food or fat talk around them. But One day they will have to know especially considering I am not completely better. It scares me honestly, like they will not look at me the same anymore but truthfully, everyone’s got problems and some are just more hidden or more open than others. No one should judge you no matter what because they are not perfect either and they know it. If they are truly good people they will see you no less than before-eventually anyway-and all will be well and hopefully they will be able to be a support instead of critics.

H. Blue
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 09:20 pm: [report]

I have dealt with depression since I was a little kid. It wasn’t until about 5 years ago, though, that I realized that that was my problem.  Like you, I had periods of incredible sadness, days where I’d just cry and cry and had no idea why.  In college I was miserable.  I pulled away from everyone, friends stopped inviting me places because I’d just hole up in my room and stopped answering my phone.  No one knew what was wrong with me- not even me.  I look back and think of all the things I missed out on, because I had no idea what was going on with me. 

I know that admitting to something like that is often awkward and people don’t know how to respond, but I applaud you for 1) recognizing that you do suffer from depression and 2) being strong enough and big enough to admit it to people you care about.  I wish that there was more information about depression and the effects it has on people, so people would understand it and not be so uncomfortable talking about it.  I know this issue runs in my family, and since I’ve begin to recognize the genetic pool I came from (scary though it is) I feel more empowered.  I know what to look for and I’m learning how to deal with myself and my episodes. 

I am not on medication, and I do still have the occasional really down day, but at least I know enough to recognize it.  It’s sort of funny.. you know those ads “Where does depression hurt… everywhere…  Who does depression hurt.. everyone…”  First time I saw that ad I think I burst into tears- corny as it may seem, it said exactly how I felt.

You are so fortunate that you have found a guy who is so accepting.  I hope to one day be that lucky.

elpee
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 10:03 pm: [report]

the fact that this pretty much rolled off your tongue is a sign that you were ready to talk about it. which is the only important part, really. maybe you needed that opening. do you think you kind of sort of had almost maybe wanted to tell them?

also, don’t be discouraged by their silent reaction. everyone has issues similar to depression—they do, too. and when they asked you what your book would be about, they may have been expecting something like “a young, quadriplegic woman in pioneer days who rises against injustice to open her own butter churnery” or “how much i love puppies and rainbows.” they could have been taken off guard by your honesty, but with a little time it will sink in and it won’t be an issue.

LostInStars
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 12:42 am: [report]

Stop being inside of my head, Jessica, this is yet another article that hits directly home.

Anyway, my boyfriend’s mom, in her attempts to pry information out of me, has probably gathered by now that I’m depressed. I haven’t outright told her because I don’t think it’s much of her business, as I am dating her son, not her. She likes the damaged people though. I think it’s because she was a hospice nurse for so long. ANYWAY.

If either of his parents asked me straight up if I was depressed, I wouldn’t lie to them. It’s great that you were so honest. I would be too. I’m not one to just offer information without prodding or they would know this about me already.

Unfortunately though, I’m at an age in my life where my depression has no value to anyone. I don’t get sympathy, not that I’m begging for it, but instead I just get accused of having regular growing pain angst.

lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 08:06 am: [report]

I have borderline personality disorder, depression, and SAD.  I have always left it up to my boyfriend to decide when to disclose that to his parents.  I don’t really want to talk about that kind of stuff with anyone other than my therapist.  They know that I suffer from depression and that’s about it.  Me and my BF aren’t having kids so it’s not like the bad genes will be passed to grandkids.  If his parents wanted to ask me about it then I would be honest, but it’s not something that I want/need to just put out there.

Potstirer
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 08:21 am: [report]

I’m right up there with Joyy. I have experienced both depression and attempted suicide.

Life is not cookie cutter. We all need to talk about whatever our issues are so we can bring them to the forefront, shed light on them and get rid of the stigma. It’s way more normal than anyone would think.

worldchamp
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]

Depression is something I have suffered with for years. but with my depresssion, came an addiction to crack.  i used it to not feel bad but it did make me feel bad after it was gone.  I explain in my new book God Are You Mad At? http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/God Are You Mad At Me.html about how I had to cope with an addcition and depression.
Harold Longs

ThatChick
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]

I think it shows how strong you are to share something so personal with ANYONE, especially BF’s rents. It’s all a matter of how comfortable you are with yourself. Some people take years (or decades) to come to terms with the fact they even have ANY mental illness. And then going on from there and sharing the fact with other people can take longer. You’re doing good just sharing with others. Most people don’t realize how common it is, or that people that are seemingly normal and adjusted have problems that require medication.

Kudos to you. I’m sure they’ll understand you better now, and respect that you were so open with them.

bogart4017
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]

Its past time for the stigmas attached to SADs, panic and anxiety attacks and depression to disappear. If i had been diagnosed with this chemical imbalance as a teen i wouldnt have struggled so hard with it throughout my adult years. I had to seek help myself and it was hard for me because i come from this “stoic” generation who suffered in silence. Thankfully with therapy and lorazepam/lexapro i have a relatively normal (there’s that word again) life.

sparklestar
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]

I would not share this with my BOYFRIEND’S family. What if you break up and then there are these people floating around in your ex’s life who know all about your depression and problems?

I don’t share anything unless it is on a “need to know” basis. My boyfriend’s dad is very open about why he retired at 45 - depression and disillusionment. This isn’t an opening for me to tell him all about my OCD and own personal battles with depression, it’s just information that I may have asked him about.

Unless something drastic relating to my depression started happening which affected either my boyfriend or his parents then I am going to keep it very much to myself. My boyfriend knows about my life but telling his parents just would not be appropriate.

Good luck with that.

sparklestar
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]

I’m British, btw. We don’t talk about our emotions.

Shasta
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 05:14 pm: [report]

@sparklestar. I like your style; however, the bottom line is that it is a personal choice whether or not to tell.

I don’t think your future in-laws/boyfriends parents have a “right” to know anything about you.  Your boyfriend certainly does but not them. 

@Jessica, now that we all know this about you and you’re planning a book, I would hope you would write more Frisky articles that explore depression. From the postings on this board, there are many folks in your boat.

I would be most interested in the reactions of the men you’ve dating, how you’ve told them, depression’s affects on your friendships, your jobs, career choices.

Despite our openness, it is still a dark topic that most do not understand or want to discuss. 

Maybe a few book “excerpts”/exploratory chapters to help bring depression from the shadows.

Good Luck.

retro chic
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 06:48 pm: [report]

Me? Probably not right away, or, as @sparklestar said, only on a need-to-know basis. Stigma aside (not too concerned about that), my pragmatic needs for privacy and self-protectiveness out-weigh my need to enlighten and educate others. I don’t like giving people more to peck at in an already invasive world, ie, it’s no one else’s business, aside from a spouse or SO – much like privacy around disclosing a bank balance. Btw, I’m anything but British and still don’t make a habit of chatting my issues/feelings as a general policy. My chosen inner circle has that privilege. But, a BF’s family, no.

You sound more open, so, I think if you feel true to yourself, then that same personality/character trait will always come to your aid and allay any possible stigma/neg reactions. You sound like you’ve got the energy and idealism to deal with your depression AND educate the masses of asses that should know. Glad you have such a supportive BF. Bon chance!

ps: cautionary tale – my former beloved boss, an MD educator, fired an employee for taking paid PTO for dealing w/ her depression because she thought by disclosing to an MD – an educated man in the helping professions – would understand. He consulted with his MD peers and fired her upon return. Her work was impeccable and was trusted by him up to that point.

rebelchanteuse
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]

first, jessica, kudos on making such a brave admission.  i suffer from anxiety and severe depression.  i don’t think i’d tell my in-laws that, but that’s because i’ve seen how they’ve dealt with the debilitating mental illness of one of their children (basically acting as if everything’s just peachy).  i also don’t talk about it with my own parents, because that would lead to talking about how their actions during my childhood contributed to my condition, and i don’t think any of us are ready for that.  but, it’s not an issue of being ashamed ... i didn’t cause my illness, and i do my best to manage it by taking meds and going to therapy.  if people are going to judge me because my brain is sick, i can’t let that bother me. 

i have, however, started talking about my depression more openly with my peers, and not just close friends.  for instance, when people asked my why i was reading a particular book, i replied honestly that my therapist had recommended it.  or, if i’m talking to a friend and need to head to therapy, i say so instead of making an excuse.  nobody has treated me any differently, and i feel better, so why not?

plasticrose
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]

I think it was very brave of you to admit that. And you know, there’s no ‘should’ about it. Telling people about it is a personal decision, and now it’s done, you can’t take it back. If somebody judges me, or has questions, I explain it like this. Having severe depression is just like having a broken leg. The only difference is that the injury is in my skull shere nobody can see it, and instead of using crutches, I take anti-depressants. If you have a broken leg, nobody tells you that you’re just being weak if you need a cast and some painkillers. Nobody expects you to walk around like normal, as if your leg wasn’t broken.

I don’t think you should worry about it. If one of their relatives has had depression, they’re probably not going to judge you for it. Sometimes people just don’t know what to say.

mountain_laurel1183
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 06:25 pm: [report]

The best way to remove a stigma on something is to talk about it and help people realize that even perfectly nice, wonderful people struggle with problems. I think you did the right thing, even if it feels (felt) awkward!

theoldman
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 08:42 pm: [report]

You did exactly the right thing.  I have battled PTSD (essentially the same thing) for 25 years now.  When dating I am very up front telling the woman no later than the second date. Tell them that and I am a Nam vet.  You find out who is going to stand by you and who is going to cut and run right away. People who are compassionate will not have any problems because very few of us don’t have problems of one sort or another. The ones who have problems with your depression are the ones you don’t need anyway.  We don’t have much choice in the matter and an inappropriate support response results in problems like the Army has at Ft.Campbell and Bragg.  There the commanders don’t support the troops and the suicide rate is going to set a record this year.  Ft. Hood shuts down early on Thursday and all weekend for family time.  Their rate is close to 0. Finding out who will and won’t support you makes all the difference in the world.  You don’t have time for those who won’t be there when you need them or put strings on help.

Kia
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]

At least you got to tell them yourself.  My husband tells his mom everything, usually without telling me that he’s told her so I’m blindsided when she asks me about it.  I’m a very private person and while I tell my husband everything that doesn’t mean I want everyone else to know. 

Unfortunately I find that people that have never experienced depression have a hard time knowing how to deal or what to do.  People can see and deal with a broken leg but have a much harder time “seeing” depression.  If someone asks me about it I will answer honestly but I’m not the one to bring it up.  For me the hardest part of telling people are those that don’t see it as a disease but that you are just lazy, or trying to gain sympathy, or worse faking it to get out of things/situations you don’t want to deal with.  Having someone tell you that you just need to buck up, get out of bed and everything will be fine but for me that makes me more depressed and unlikely to want to be around that person. 

Luckily my husband is supportive but that doesn’t mean he understands exactly what I’m trying to deal with.  It definitely takes a strong person to be involved with someone that has severe depression and anxiety issues.  I suppose that is why I don’t talk about it because I want to know they will be able to handle it and to know that, for the most part, means being close to that person.

sun rae
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 12:59 am: [report]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost ten months and I love his parents. They’re both psychiatrists, so they’re great to talk to. Still though, I would be nervous telling them that I had problems with depression. I know that they are super understanding, as they have raised their son to be, but I’m always nervous I’ll say something dumb.
So, I think it was really brave of you to tell you (potentially) future in-laws the truth. They probably totally appreciate your honesty and understand, because they are parents after all. I wish I could tell my (hopefully) future in-laws my problems.

Lioozhe
wrote on August 8 2009 @ 07:58 pm: [report]

I’m a recovered alcoholic from a family where my Mom was an alcoholic.  We never talked about anything real, ever and everything always had to be funny for some reason.  When my Mom died and I got quit drinking in college, I had to learn to feel the full range of emotions because without an addiction, I couldn’t keep them down any more.  Luckily, I was going to AA (and later Alanon) and there was a lot of latitude there for temporary insanity as well as emotion.

  There have been times where I haven’t had good boundaries with people.  I think some of that comes from having experienced verbal abuse and violence as a young person.  I sometimes become something of a hermit for a while because I can’t stand the feelings that result from violating my own boundaries with someone or having them violate my boundaries and I back off to more comfortable distances.

  Having said that, I have several friends who know everything about me—everything—and I’m glad for that.  I’m grateful for things like 12 Step programs, co-counseling and other resources that have placed me on an upward trend in my life.

Kat
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 09:53 pm: [report]

@Coral
“Not everyone has had an easy life, and people have mental and emotional problems for various reasons. And if you yourself can answer why you have been/are depressed, then it’s only a sign that things are turning around”

This is the problem with Major Depressive Disorder and being depressed. So many people think there are “reasons” and expect you to be able to answer “why ARE you depressed anyway?” as if depressed is a synonym for “feeling sad”. If someone had asked me that before I was diagnosed and medicated, I would have felt lost at the question. Why am I depressed? Why do I feel like a dark chasm is pulling me in every day? Why do I burst into tears even though my life is perfect, I am surrounded by loving friends and a loving partner, my appearance is fine etc? People who are clinically depressed do not KNOW why. There’s no shame in not knowing, and sometimes there is no real reason, other than a propensity for genetic chemical imbalances.

Coral
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 10:35 pm: [report]

First of all, there ARE reasons why anyone is depressed. Hardly anyone knows the reasons at first, and it take years after the depression to figure out. I absolutely understand what it’s like. I have been depressed for many of my 18 years of life. I can now say that I am no longer depressed. I denied to myself for a long time that I was ever depressed or ‘exceptionally sad.’ And of course it is normal to feel confused as to why one is depressed. Because deep down under a ‘perfect life’ with lots of supporting people, there is always some sort of facade that comes about. I agree, there is no shame in not knowing. But I can tell you for a fact, that somewhere down the line, it helps in knowing where the depression stems from, because it not only prevents depression from coming back, but it enables one to live a happier and more fulfilled life. I was depressed because I had been sexually abused for over 10 years, gotten myself into abusive relationships with guys, and I struggled with keeping my weight on. And I still stand by my statement that you quoted me on. And depression does also arise from genetic chemical imbalances, along with environmental causes, but it is never really the sole root of depression.

Kat
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:52 pm: [report]

Everyone’s journey is different. And I can honestly say I’m happy you pulled out of it. As I near 30, I finally understand I will always have “depression”. This isn’t “being depressed”, something one is able to get over with therapy. Only medication has put even a dent in it. I will be on this medication for life. I have come to terms with that. I’ll always have bad days, and they’re always better than the good days before meds, but this is just me. I have major depressive disorder(formerly known as clinical depression). And I’m not even the worst off. A close friend is 38 and is still suffering from a severe case of MDD that even therapy and the strongest meds available cannot touch. When you are taking insulin to treat diabetes, you are still “a diabetic”.

I was not depressed “from bad things happening or life traumas or some underlying issue”, and now that I have “worked out my issues” the depression will simply go away. I have other friends with the mental illness of depression and I can honestly say it differs from “being depressed”. When you have to give a “why” to being depressed, it lends more to the idea that there has to be “something wrong” and that you aren’t trying hard enough to just be happy. For instance, when my bf’s parents found out about my depression, they didn’t fully understand… and their solution? Diet and exercise. /facepalm