Dating Drama: No Glove, No Love? Not Always.

Twanna A. Hines // FUNKY BROWN CHICK
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 11:59 am: [report]

Oooh, interesting piece! I always use condoms with vag sex. Oral sex, on the other hand, is a different story. No one has ever used a dental dam on me, and I’ve never blown a guy while he was wearing a condom.

kelliechelle3
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 12:33 pm: [report]

So comforting to hear another woman speak something that I’ve been silent about for years. Sex feels so much better without those condoms! I know it isn’t safe, and I reluctantly will use them. But I long for the day when we can have the best of both. Very well written! Thank you.

Lady de Montfort
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 01:17 pm: [report]

I feel it is just a reality that condom-free sex feels better! And if you are in a long-term relationship where you are both healthy, then more power to you. The Pill is a truly personal choice, but after being on and off the Pill over the years myself, I do feel it’s altered my chemistry, and I’d never go back.

My partner and I follow the very old fashioned day-counting method. I count the days of my cycle so I know how long it is, and where the halfway mark should be. I make a note of when I ovulate, give it five days, and then for the rest of my cycle, it’s spontaneous, condom-free sex time!

So, over the month, it’s essentially half condom sex, and half unprotected. Best of both worlds! Not 100% safe, but I think if a woman knows her body, this method can really work.

ValkyrieWolf
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 01:21 pm: [report]

I agree with kelliechelle3 and thank you for writing this! My fiance and I don’t use condoms, and we haven’t had any type of scare (yet) and I’m not on the pill. I’ve been thinking about getting on the pill for safety reasons (like you I’m a bit baby-crazy but don’t want one by accident) so maybe this piece will be my kick-in-the-ass to go ahead and do it already. Thanks again.

elizabethmarley
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 01:50 pm: [report]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I was on the pill for years, but I can’t afford it now that I don’t have health insurance. I know that without health insurance, pregnancy could be an expensive disaster, but I just prefer condom-free sex…But I get such anxiety about babies! There’s no win-win situation here.

Humble Bee
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 04:37 pm: [report]

I have this phobia of getting pregnant so I always use condoms. I have never gone on the pill just because I dont like to take pills, and most of my friends who are on it act really bi-polar and emotional.. Sex feels good even with a condom.. i tried unprotected sex for about 2 minutes and then pictured my mom giving birth, and automatically pushed that mofo off me. lol.

Brit is Shameless
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 11:06 pm: [report]

What surprises me most is how many guys are so quick to go without a condom if the girl doesn’t mention it. It happens more often than you think. In fact, I don’t ever remember a guy really insisting on using one. That person is usually me.

However, I can be quite hypocritical at times. For someone who works in fields involving safer sex and sex education, I of all people should know the dangers of unprotected sex. But every now and again, I make a rash, stupid decision and give into the moment and go without. I regret it every time.

But I don’t think that any of us are above making decisions like that every now and then. We’re only human, after all. And I’m sure there are a ton of people who don’t practice what they speech. What’s that saying about doing what I say and not as I do? Yeah.

juliePS
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 08:59 am: [report]

Wow. Am I the only one who felt disturbed by this? Sure, condomless sex feels better, but good god, we’re adults here. The OP needs to consider herself lucky that none of the many, many things that could have gone wrong in those multiple instances (we’re not talking about one rash decision here, it’s starting to sound more like a lifestyle) didn’t. I just find this flip attitude towards safer sex and birth control with casual partners to be pretty upsetting. Sure, some folks who don’t use protection are aware enough of their cycle to prevent pregnancy, but I don’t think that’s true of most and it certainly doesn’t keep you safe from STIs if you’re not in a committed relationship.

I dunno, maybe I’m just a prude, but knowing that I’m safe and protected makes for the best sex, in my opinion.
And for everyone complaining about the pill, I highly suggest asking your doctor about IUDs—I have a Mirena (which is off-label for women without kids but my doctor gave me one anyway) and it’s zero-maintenance, super-low hormone levels, and as effective as sterilization, plus I haven’t had a period in the year since I got it.

Rose
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 09:35 am: [report]

I have an older lover, he’s had a vasectomy but we’re not faithful, and he can’t stay hard with a condom on.  Do I feel right about letting him skip one?  No.  Do I always insist?  No.  Stupid?  Maybe, but I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this

joyy
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 09:58 am: [report]

juliePS - you’re not the only one disturbed by this.  I’m not trying to judge people who make different decisions than me, but as you put it so well “good god, we’re adults here”!!  I haven’t used condoms in years, but I’m in the convenient situation where we’re faithful and sti-free, and I’m using the pill to handle birth control.  Would I like to go off it?  Yes.  Have we had the vasectomy talk yet?  No. 

Yes it feels better without - but do you think sex w/o a condom feels better or worse than, say, herpes?  How about HIV/AIDS?  We all struggle with this - I told myself I was going to take longer to go without condoms with my current bf than I did with my last (supposedly faithful, clean) bf, but I caved once I was on the pill for a few months.

Still, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES - however works best for you, of course, but please, PLEASE protect yourself.

jadeycakes
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 01:11 pm: [report]

It feels way better w/out and it doesn’t kill the moment, but I can’t help but be in fear of getting pregnant…and I don’t want to pay 40 bucks a month for the pill when I don’t even have a steady bf.

Alexa
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 07:50 pm: [report]

I recently reached a point where I felt comfortable and safe enough with a client to allow him to penetrate me without a condom, and I will admit it did feel a lot more intense than what I am used to.  That is (and will remain) rare, though, that I allow someone to do that.

HitOrMissJudy
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 08:22 pm: [report]

I have such a fear of pregnancy that I couldn’t really enjoy sex without birth control unless I was seriously drunk. And if I were that drunk, I wouldn’t be enjoying it anyway. I’ve always been really careful that way and it’s served me well.

Amelia
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 08:25 pm: [report]

@HitOrMissJudy I am with you. I am anal about taking my pill and using a condom with people who aren’t my monogamous partner. The fact is, I know if I got pregnant I would probably keep it—and I don’t feel ready to be a parent yet. Not that having an abortion would be easy, but I suspect I wouldn’t have one, and I know having a kid right now would be ROUGH.

Natacha
wrote on November 26 2008 @ 12:04 am: [report]

I’m really, really shocked by this.  There are so many other concerns outside of getting pregnant when you make the decision to have sex without a condom. Has anyone heard of HIV?  There are so many HIV positive people who still have unprotected sex without disclosing their status.  I know intimacy is an issue, but do you really want to risk a chronic illness on the account of sex? There are a variety of really thin condoms (KImono or the ribbed) that intensifies pleasure that can be used to add variety.  What’s funny is I quite frequently work with young adults trying to motivate them to use condoms and exercise self-love it seems that work needs to be done with adults too. If you could, imagine for a moment all of the times you dated someone and found out all of these secrets about them after the break-up or during the relationship. . . Imagine if one of those secrets was an HIV positive test result. Imagine if a present secret is a positive HIV result.

rachelhills
wrote on November 26 2008 @ 04:15 pm: [report]

Really interesting article, Rachel - thanks for being so open and honest.

I’m working on a women’s mag article on sex without condoms at the moment, and (as the comments show) your approach isn’t at all uncommon. My concern, though, isn’t the pregnancy so much as the risk of infection.

When we’re all loved up with a partner, we don’t want to believe they could be carrying an STI, but the truth is STIs aren’t all that different to having the flu: having one doesn’t make a person bad, dirty or skanky, and the fact that your partner is none of those things doesn’t necessarily make them STI-free.

I also really like Natacha’s comment: “If you could, imagine for a moment all of the times you dated someone and found out all of these secrets about them after the break-up or during the relationship. . . Imagine if one of those secrets was an HIV positive test result. Imagine if a present secret is a positive HIV result. “

Exactly. Even if you’re friends with someone before you date them, the truth is you don’t *really* know them two months in (which amongst the people I interviewed, seems to be around the time the condoms come off). What you don’t know doesn’t usually end up being a death sentence, but the risk is there.

At the same time, it’s not realistic to expect people in committed relationships to use condoms forever - even though not using them poses a risk whenever you give them up. So what I’m primarily interested in is what criteria people use to make this decision (if ever - some people do use condoms forever).

If anyone’s interested in taking part in the article, please drop me a line at rachel.hills at gmail.com. Thanks!

Lovingboth
wrote on November 27 2008 @ 11:23 am: [report]

Once I lost my ‘without a condom’ virginity aged 30-something, it became impossible to tell other people that they “should use a condom every time”.

For me, it’s a way of eroticising trust. Some people do this via bondage, but this can be just as hot and risky and hot and… best done only with people you trust completely.

Crimsonmoon
wrote on November 27 2008 @ 04:24 pm: [report]

I can’t relate personally but from what I can see you have three options. 1: Use a condom (which I can tell you obviously like it better without. 2: Go on the pill (Being lazy doesn’t keep people from getting preggo. 3: Ditch the guys and go for the ladies, (which has less chance of you getting pregnant, that is unless she’s really a he. )

sabotagekatt
wrote on November 28 2008 @ 11:20 am: [report]

Wow. Thank you for your honesty. Seeing from the amount of responses this post generated, I’m sure it’s a topic I’ll definitely bring up with my close girlfriends as soon as I get a chance.

I’m 23 and I got pregnant when I was 17, it was with a one night stand. I can’t explain to you ladies how shattered I was and how long it took me to get over the shame, the self-hate and depression for making such a bad bad bad decision. It really changed my life. Although now, even years have gone by for me to put this incident squarely in the past.

You would think I’d learn from my mistake.. but in the heat of the moment, I do admit I’ve let two guys enter me without any protection - condom or pill. Even if it’s just for a few seconds (minutes?) before we put it on. It’s the reality that sex feels much better for both parties without anything in between. And, every time I do feel angry at myself, and childish. It’s like toying with your fate, and a little life that you might create.

I had an abortion, and that’s something that I will never forget. Physically, it was completely uneventful. Mentally, it was something that shook my world up completely and in some ways, still continues to “haunt” me. Which brings up another question - how do you ladies feel about abortions? Has anyone else had one or more? I read somewhere that the mental toll (though subtle) that it takes on the woman takes around five years to subside. It was definitely the case with me.

I’m on my way to Paris to meet a guy I really like. Sex is definitely in the cards and we’ve been discussing protection. I can imagine that when it comes time to put on the condom I’ll be groaning about it.. But I guess the answer is to find some really comfortable condoms, or pray to god that I’ll have my period soon so I can start taking the pill. Someone mentioned Kimono condoms, and I know there’s a big selection of condoms out there, for example on pleasurechest.com

Well ladies, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. More power!

Alexa
wrote on November 28 2008 @ 12:47 pm: [report]

Oh, for the love of god, don’t derail this into an argument on abortion.  That’s not what this piece is about.

elansdale
wrote on November 28 2008 @ 01:33 pm: [report]

Whoa, talk about jumping the gun. She was not instigating an argument about abortion. She was saying she took the risk and paid the price, in an emotional sense, and still is tempted to have unprotected sex. I am a staunch pro-choice liberal and work at planned parenthood. And I have to say, this article makes me physically ill. Of course sex is better without a condom. And the beautiful thing is, when you are doing it safely(both tested, birth control accounted for), it is an awesome experience. Not doing it safely, can change your life for the worse FOREVER!!!!! Honestly, both of these facts should be common sense, but they are not. I see it in my line of work all the time.  And with STD’s running rampant through our nation and around the world, the bag of condoms that we send home with everyone that walks in our doors are still going unused and for no good reason. With all the good work we do to educate men and women about the risks, they still put their life on the line on a regular basis. Something I like to pass on to people….in our society, we are so finicky about washing our hands, protecting our bottoms from toilet seat,  and carry around anti-bacterial lotions and soaps…and yet allow a cute stranger(or not so stranger) inside us because we can’t “control ourselves”? A little counterproductive if you ask me.

rachdach
wrote on November 28 2008 @ 06:50 pm: [report]

I too have contemplated this issue. I’m dating my highschool boyfriend, and we’ve been happy for years - neither of us have ever been with anyone else, so there’s no risk of any sti’s. Most of the time we go without condoms, and I never feel guilty or anxious about potential pregnancy during the act or right after - it’s the days later when I’m wishing we’d bothered to use one, JUST in case. You know? It’s more of a laziness to interrupt the moment and go get one than any huge conscious decision to go without.
It is a bit disconcerting, since we’re still young and I too don’t ever want to be pregnant “by accident”.
Good to know there are others contemplating the same issues though.

Kira
wrote on November 28 2008 @ 07:28 pm: [report]

I would like to remind people that not all STDs are testable.  HPV currently can be tested only in women.  (This is the virus that can cause cancer.)  The usual test is of cervical cells, although it can also affect vaginal and anal cells.  There are also cases of people getting throat cancer due to a strain of HPV.  Along with HIV, you must remember that to have sex without a condom really is trusting someone with your life.  Don’t take the chance if you have any doubts!  (Just so you all know, I speak from 20/20 hindsight experience - I have HPV and herpes because I trusted someone I shouldn’t have, the only person I’ve ever been with.)

Alexa
wrote on November 28 2008 @ 10:52 pm: [report]

@ elansdale She stated “Which brings up another question - how do you ladies feel about abortions?”

I’m not sure how much more blatant it could get.  Talk about not paying attention.

NoisyOne
wrote on December 3 2008 @ 04:08 pm: [report]

i never comment, i’m not the type - but here, i am. i JUST had this conversation last night with a new, but steady/monogamous partner after waking up slightly hungover the other day and doing the deed unprotected (well, we did use the very safe withdrawal method). Such a dilemma. we’re all in good company here. am i prepared to live with the consequences? absolutely, and i better be, i already made the choice didn’t i?

VickyGeez
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 08:56 am: [report]

Well, to encourage you to use a condom, I’m 23, I met my boyfriend (whos an attractive divorced 42) and I live with now, September 13th 2008 online in a chat room. I was ahm, horny and very attracted to his picture and his voice on the phone, that night I drove 240 miles to see him, when I got there it was 4am, we sat on the couch I was nervous and we talked for about a half hour, he said he’s tired since it is 4:30am and will go to sleep I may come if I’d like. I followed him to his room. he stripped down to his underwear, I left my shirt and underwear on. When we were laying down he’d asked if we could cuddle, I didn’t even hesitate “Yes.”. As soon as he put his arm arround me I found the perfect crevis and fit perfectly and comfortably, I looked up at him and we started making out… Which led to a BJ(It’s a great way for me to get up close and see what hes got, which is a lot)... Which led to sex, no condom. It was just so hott I had one in the car I’d forgot to bring in with me I didn’t want to kill what was happening. After we cuddled and he looked down at me and said, “ahm, I’m just wondering. Are you on the pill”.
I said… “I, was…”.
He says, “Oh… Was when?”
“Erm maybe, 3 months ago? But I was severely allergic to it I had to stop taking it”
He said it was his fault but I know it’s both our faults. That was about 3 months ago and guess what, I’m 3 months pregnant! We’ve grown to the idea and were both very happy about the baby, so is either side of our familys. I really was not a fan of children in the least bit, but as time gos by I’m really loving the thought. I’m just glad Waynes not a loser, or I’d really be in trouble. One of our few conversations before we had sex was he and his X-wife had tryed for a baby and it didnt happen. I think I was hoping it was becase of him, because at that point I’dve been fine with never having a baby. Oh how I’ve changed in 3 months.

-VickyGeez

Purple_LeatherC
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:58 pm: [report]

I don’t use barriers for oral sex and I will only go bareback on vaginal sex as long as a) I’ve known the woman for a long time; and b) we’ve both been tested for STDs.

writergirl
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 07:54 pm: [report]

I never used a condom when I was single—probably stupidly—but didn’t have sex often, so to my way of thinking, risk of contracting something was low.

The man I eventually married didn’t use a condom the first time we had sex ‘cause it just kind of happened and after that, it seemed redundant.  Besides, they told me I *couldn’t* have children and I was on BC and we were both clean….so why bother?

I wound up pregnant in the middle of our engagement.  And while I am certainly in love with my son—a true miracle child—I wouldn’t want to repeat the exercise.

If I could go back and do it again—hubby would be baggin’ it.  Double baggin’ it, just to be safe.

JAY NiKZ
wrote on February 5 2009 @ 06:05 pm: [report]

I’m sorry, but anyone’s verbal declaration of cleanliness to me is not good enough. A majority of people with AIDS aren’t even aware that they have it. That is a little too disturbing for me. Plus, as much as I want children, I’m not ready to give up my wild nights.

I have been on the pill and was like a psychotic person on it. My husband and I happily use condoms, because like I said - we just aren’t ready for that stage in our life.

The excuse that it feels better without is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Yeah, it does, but I have orgasms with or without them… so I could really care less. If the sex is that bad with a condom, maybe you might need to find someone who’s better with one on.

So unless you’re ok with having an unwanted child with a fling as oppposed to a fully committed partner or having an STD as opposed to not having one - I’d slip on the raincoat!

leavesleavetrees
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 12:12 am: [report]

I think STDs are the biggest worry. It only takes the person you’re having sex with to have had sex with one other person with an STD for you to get one. And just because someone doesn’t think or know they have an STD doesn’t mean they don’t! I would know. I got herpes from the first, and only, man I’ve ever had sex with. Condomless. It was the heat of the moment and the biggest mistake I ever made. When I found out and told him, he had no idea. I don’t even think he believes he gave it to me. Unless you see the results of a persons STD screening for yourself, or they are a verified virgin, I think you should just use a condom.

Chris K
wrote on October 25 2009 @ 12:44 pm: [report]

Thank you for talking about this. I recently started a sexual relationship so I’m thinking about this again.

The challenge is that if I wear a condom, I find it hard to enjoy penetration, and difficult or impossible to climax - and I have two male friends who have mentioned that when they use condoms, they don’t expect to climax. I’m in my late 30s, and don’t have the kind of off-the-charts drive that I used to have, and the condom makes a huge difference. I enjoy the whole experience, but nowhere near as much as just having really good sex. Putting the condom on is very uncomfortable (even though these Ansell condoms are the most comfortable I’ve found). I then find it hard to keep the erection for long, and on the few occasions I’ve reached the goal, it was with extended pounding that the woman didn’t enjoy. With my current partner, after several attempts at sex with limited success, we finally did it with no condom (at her suggestion) - no erection problems, and it felt wonderful, for both of us.

Now, I know unprotected sex can be a huge risk. Withdrawal and calendar methods help reduce but not eliminate risk, especially for pregnancy. Minimizing partners and regular testing help a lot. Being able to trust your partners to tell you the truth (partly through them knowing you’ll support them and be positive about their past sexual choices) also helps as long as we judge well… but we often don’t judge well. Washing and urinating immediately after sex might help (I’m not sure, but I suspect it does). Even doing all of these is no guarantee against STDs or pregnancy, but it all helps.

The reality is that people are going to have sex without barriers, so I believe the “Just say no” message on sex without barriers is counter-productive.

Another way the conventional thinking backfires is the idea that sex with a condom is easy and great. More realistically, for many of us it can be good but requires knowledge of a few techniques: buying condoms that are a good shape (bigger at the end than at the base) and the right size; lube inside the tip of the condom and maybe along the shaft; and if you’re having trouble getting really hard after being at attention for a long time (lots of foreplay), take a break of 10 minutes or 30 minutes or something, then see how it goes again.

Sometimes there are no easy solutions - I appreciate Rachel, kelliechelle3 and all the comments here acknowledging that reality.

duhh
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 10:48 pm: [report]

Out of all the bloody answers in here, why is it only 1 mention of vasectomy and no mentions of tubal-ligation…...I had a tubal in 92 and have been pregnancy free and free to get the bondage of condoms out of my life and my partner’s….......it’s kind of like being KICKED IN THE PELVIS BY A HORSE, no make that 3 horses…........and you can’t walk for a couple weeks I would say…......well, not correctly that is…..and, I’m not sure if I knew what was going to happen ahead of time, if I would have done it to begin with (pain) but, now that it is over with I’m glad…...the only psychological trauma is knowing you can not get pregnant if you decide you want to….......for some people that is not a big deal….....I already had 1 and he already had 2 anyway…......so…...

AnitaBath
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:19 pm: [report]

Wow, I was actually laying in bed stressing over this very issue, unable to sleep, so I got out of bed and on the internet and look what I found!

Perhaps it’s because I’m a college student, but I feel like the need to wear a condom has been DRILLED into my head. I recently started a sexual relationship with a guy almost twice my age, and we always used condoms at first, but then one broke. I was really worried about STIs because it had been a long time since I’d had sex and I had recently been tested so I knew I was clean. He said he had just had blood tests and he was clean, but I was still really worried about HPV. We continued using condoms, but then they broke about three more times (I’m wondering if it was bad luck or maybe they were expired?).

Anyways, I’m on the pill so we kind of stopped using condoms. I figured if he has anything, I’ve already got it. Plus, although we aren’t in a committed relationship, we’re not having sex with anyone else. I still feel guilty about my decision and like I’m being irresponsible (since it goes against everything I’ve always been taught), but this article has made me feel a little better. Although, I will say that we would definitely still be using condoms if they hadn’t broken so many times. I just feel much safer when it comes to diseases when using one. I also feel like him being so much older than me adds to the stress some too, like he’s had about 15 more years to be exposed to all kinds of nasty things.

C.Munro
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 01:21 am: [report]

No matter how good it feels to you, or how much you think he may like it, unprotected sex without the explicit consent of both partners is a no-no.  Women of the world, you owe it to the man you want inside of you to at least give him the option to use the only form of birth control (and STI protection) available to him, before initiating intercourse.  It is the only ethical course of action.