Girl Talk: My Mother, The Cougar
Posted by: Linley Taber
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Monday November 23rd 2009
As a free-spirited 26-year-old, I support a wide range of lifestyles. But I’m just not into sharing the same dating pool with my mom—a fit, fun-loving, blonde bombshell of a 50-year-old. After all, the term “cougar” is only funny if your mother isn’t one.
A glamour girl in suburban Baltimore, my mom was bound for the ranks of “heartbreakers of a certain age” long before her marriage to my father—a great dad but an admittedly crappy husband—crumbled a few years ago. The object of many younger boys’ affections, she had the lifeguards at our pool drooling and my lacrosse player friends deeming her a “M.I.L.F.” By the time I got to college, I wasn’t fazed by the frat boys who swarmed around her during parents’ weekend. They would take turns spinning me and Mom around on the beer-soaked dance floor, until I told her it was time to go home.
“Oh come on,” she’d say. “Let your mom have some fun.”
If only the “fun” had stopped there. Soon after my parents’ split, she adopted Demi Moore as her patron saint of post-divorce dating. “Good for them,” she’d say, pointing to magazine spreads of middle-aged actresses strutting around with their gorgeous, younger beaus.
“Don’t even think about it,” I’d tell her.
“What?” she’d ask innocently, suppressing a grin. But she had already caught the bug.
Her first victim was the cute 35-year-old golf pro from her country club.
“He’s fair game!” she insisted giddily, referring to my rule to not date anyone closer to my age than hers. I was more unsettled than reassured: I was a single, recent college grad at the time, and was well-versed in the ways that even the nicest-seeming guys could turn out to be royal jerks. I was afraid this young “stud” would tear my mom’s heart out. But my concerns weren’t all so benevolent. Wouldn’t Mom’s new fling be incredibly awkward for me? I got my answer the night my three younger sisters and I stopped by the party where Mom and her plus-one were canoodling in the corner.
“These are … your … daughters?” the poor guy asked, while Mom forced a mortified smile.
I understood her desire to shoo us away—I gathered that no single woman wanted to stand next to the living, breathing image of herself 24 years younger. Still, as she began dating the golf pro, I found it difficult to support a relationship for which my existence could be a deal-breaker.
Another night, I ran into him at a local bar. As he flung his arm around my waist, I wondered if he was about to hit on me. I half-hoped he would, so I could run home and snitch.
“Is he your new man?” asked my pal Sarah, eying this attractive guy with his arm around me.
“No,” I replied, wiggling out of his grip. “He’s my mom’s boyfriend.”
If I thought this encounter was uncomfortable, then I didn’t know what I had coming. A few years later, my mom fell hard for her 29-year old personal trainer, Jay*.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said when my sister called with the news. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand the allure of a man his age. As a 24-year-old living it up in New York City, I was dating one myself. And I actually liked Jay as a person: during our few brief interactions—before I knew his relationship with my mom wasn’t limited to the gym—he seemed kind, polite, even thoughtful. But couldn’t she find a kind, thoughtful man her own age?
When I visited home over the next several months, I spied what I had to admit seemed like a healthy romance. My mom and Jay cooked dinner together, shared wine in front of the fireplace, went hiking, and laughed often. Yet I fixated on Jay’s age and appearance—buff, tattooed, and pierced. Never mind the fact that my mom had taken to riding around our conservative, sleepy neighborhood on the back of Jay’s motorcycle.
The ultimate test of my daughterly devotion came when Mom informed us that Jay would be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner. “Sorry I forgot to tell you,” my mom chirped. “Promise you’ll be nice to him?”
My sisters rolled their eyes as my face turned hot with rage. Yet, to my utter surprise, everyone was on their best behavior once Jay arrived. Mom seemed more at ease than I’d seen her in years. My grandmother, our family’s original tall, blonde flirt, even sidled right up to Jay and made fast friends. “What’s the meaning of this one?” she cooed, pointing to the tribal armband encircling his left bicep.
Soon, the whole crew was settling in at the dining room table, and Mom proposed a toast.
“To my family,” she said.
I watched a deep smile develop. She was glowing, calm, and content. In spite of myself, I raised a glass and toasted to her happiness, however young he was. I know she’d do the same for me.
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CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]
Say hi to your mother for me.
tigerstripe
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
I’m glad to hear that your mom is happy! I think the real problem with labels like “cougars” and “milfs” is that they are just stereotypes pandering to the male fantasy of the hot older woman. But I’m all for actual women finding someone who makes them happy and just happens to be of a different age.
tintin
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 12:38 pm: [report]
hmmm what about your Dad, what is he doing? What if he is dating a twenty something girl? Would your response be the same? Just curious…
nygal
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
This is great! Very witty and fabulously written.
Yodar Critch
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]
I am glad that at the end of the article, you came to terms with your problem.
It does not sound like your mother is doing anything wrong here. Frankly, your mother’s dating habits are really none of your concern.
Your mother seems happy and she is not lying about anything. If she can find some young studdlies to date, you should be happy for her.
It can suck when our mothers/fathers are having better dates when we are.
BiancaDivine
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 03:34 pm: [report]
Fantastic! Kudos to you for looking past your own beliefs, and embracing what makes your Mom happy. I know it’s not so black-and-white (I have a single Mom myself, and she’s gorgeous as well, so she gets a lot of attention), but you did a good thing for your Mom’s happiness.
Happy Thanksgiving!
dlc910
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 04:44 pm: [report]
My boyfriends new “stepmom” (he would never call her that!) is 5 years younger than him, 7 years younger than me. And her age does bother him alot!
LinleyT
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 05:05 pm: [report]
@dlc910 oy vey, and I thought my situation was bad!
DancingGeek
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 05:30 pm: [report]
No, her mom isn’t doing anything wrong per se, but it is creepy to have your mom date guys you feel are in the same age pool as guys you would date. No one wants to date a guy her mom possibly bumped uglies with, well no one normal anyway. Soon Yi previn would disagree. My mom, at 35, was dating 19 year olds, I was 16 and dating guys about that age. When she was single again at 55, she was dating 35 year olds, again, guys I would date. Funny thing is I prefer younger men as well, I just keep it around 9 years difference, as opposed to 20.
Dutch Guy
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 06:01 pm: [report]
The age thing is a complex issue that can be different for different people. If it’s ok for a guy to date a girl 20 years younger, then the opposite should be ok as well. If it’s just fun and sex and enjoying life together, little can go wrong. When it turns into a marriage or equivalent, then some problems arise, such as: 50 yr old guy has had his kids and twenty-something girl wants to start her family. Same couple twenty years later…guy is 70 and content to be retired, gal is middle aged and at her peak sexually. Same couple thirty years later…guy dies at 80 leaving young widow with fights with his kids the same age over his money. Similar issues would arise with the genders switched…does a 50 year old gal want more kids when the 29 year old decides he does? I’ve dated gals from a few years older to much younger, had some very hot times with them, but in the end settled for a wife three years younger. We have the same stage of life across multiple issues and a great comfort with each other. My brother married a 19 yr old when he was 37. It lasted a couple years until they knew for sure his vasectomy wasn’t reversible and her ex-boyfriend who was the same age came home from the service. So short term…have fun, long term…important issues arise. I think older cougars or cassanovas alike enjoy the admiration of a younger lover, it’s good for their ego, but it takes more than a content ego to make it go…watch Californication!
og217
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 01:50 am: [report]
I think that perhaps the women get a bit overconfident with the Demi - Ashton thing and then get hurt. I had a male friend in his late 30’s dating a very successful, wealthy woman in her 40’s. He is a very quickly rising star in his field himself, but with this woman, they were a powerhouse in their circuit. He was just having fun though, but she after a while started taking it quite seriously. After a couple of years he got a fantastic offer in a neighboring city and he left, no qualms, no nothing. She was devastated - she thought they were going to get married, that he bonded with her two teenage kids, that they were building a future. He was like, K is cool, but I want a family. Its not like I was going to marry her! She couldn’t have possibly thought this relationship was anything more than good times, don’t know why she’s all hysterical - she knows how old she is!
So having been a witness to that and having heard both sides of that story, I have to say the older woman younger man thing is just not the same as an older man younger woman. An older divorced man, if he has kids, usually doesnt live with them, so he can start a family with his young wife from “scratch.” An older woman, if she has kids, may have them live with her, thus creating a totally different dynamic, and certainly can’t start a second family as easily, if at all.
majicksand
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]
I will always want my mom to be happy, but in this situation? Well, let’s just say I’m glad my mom is already happily married, and I don’t have to sit through Thankgiving dinner with one of my friends making goo-goo eyes at her. That would suck.
Linley, good for you for handling it so well. I’ve been known to scare the crap out of my little sister’s boyfriends, and they have all been in an “accepted” age range. Over-protective much? Uhh, yeah. You could say that.
equnsuocha
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 04:51 pm: [report]
<====== Is a cougar and proud of it!
ciarabug
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 05:53 pm: [report]
ugh, it’s bad enough when my friends from different circles date each other and mess up my whole social life. if my mother was dating people my age…
LilMissSunshine
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 07:10 pm: [report]
I don’t have this problem. My parents are still happily married.
But I have had to deal with men who are sugar daddy material trying to date me. One man’s youngest child was seven years older than me. Seriously I just don’t get that. I have been known to date older men. My rule is that they should be closer to my age than my parents. I really don’t have enough daddy issues to date a man a lot older than me.
BiancaDivine
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 07:40 pm: [report]
Good lawd, but it’s easy to be smugly conclude that everyone who marries an older man MUST have “daddy issues”. Criminy; as if I don’t have enough issues of my own to deal with (@ Dutch Guy: VERY smart comments, those issues are very real and I’ve struggled with them myself), I have to deal with people who think there’s something wrong with me because I’ve married an older guy.
Step away from the psychology textbook and give me a break already.
Yodar Critch
wrote on November 25 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
Almost funny story:
I worked with this guy who married his own Step-mother.
His mother and father divorced and his father hooked up with this lady the same age as the father. They ended up getting married and a few years later divorced.
My co-worker (the son) started dating this woman and ended up marrying her.
When you see pictures of the couple, you naturally think it is a picture of him with his mother. He always has to explain that he married his Step-mother.
All I could think about was “You are #&@$% the same woman your father was #&@$%?” I know that in this circumstance it is legal but….. You are #&@$% the same woman your father was #&@$%????
Hey it worked for him, that’s all that matters.
But I have to believe that she is compairing….
develange
wrote on November 26 2009 @ 10:54 pm: [report]
that would make me very uncomfortable. Most likely because the man I’m dating is older than the mom’s boyfriend. EHHH
wonderfultonight
wrote on November 27 2009 @ 01:59 pm: [report]
As long as Mom is not poaching on any of the guys you and your sisters date and you aren’t poaching on any of her dates, I don’t think age differences are that important.
Having a situation as described by Yodar is a different matter, though, since both father and son married the same woman - very strange, but their business only.
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