Girl Talk: My Boyfriend’s Parents Were Racist
Posted by: Contessa Schexnayder
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Tuesday November 10th 2009
“My parents are racist,” my Filipino boyfriend Edward said, sounding defeated.
My heart made a sudden jolt and then quieted down in my chest. I knew there was something off about this man. Our six-month relationship had been bliss—he was funny, whip smart, and, well, perfect. His quips matched mine and what he lacked in social skills he made up for with his love of conspiracy theories and the ability to play eight instruments. He wrote me two songs and told me that when he looked at me, he heard music. I should have guessed that all his wonderful traits were overcompensating to make up for his family.
“But, I’m Catholic,” I blurted out. “And I’m cute and funny.” I could feel tears brimming as I looked away. As a 25-year-old African American woman living in the age of Obama, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I looked at him, my expression clearly conveying dismay and confusion.
“It’s pretty bad,” he said. “They think dating someone black is downgrading. They say I shouldn’t date anyone darker then a paper bag.”
“Trust me; I’ve tried to talk to them. But they are stuck in their ways. They grew up in another time,” he said. “It was different when they came here from the Philippines 30 years ago. “
A California native and newcomer to New York City, I had never personally met any civilized people who were openly racist. When I thought of hate-spouting rhetoric, my mind instantly conjured up images of inbred monsters with a love of banjos and moonshine in Kansas during the 1940s—not an elderly Filipino couple in New Jersey in 2009.
I could think of reasons why a significant other’s parents wouldn’t like me, but color was never one of them. Yes, I blurted out random thoughts whenever I pleased, mostly of the unsolicited advice variety. I could be argumentative and was always positive I was right. I bit my nails. I left toothpaste smeared in the sink. But how could anyone dislike me not knowing these little things?
I glanced over to see Ed staring at me with apologetic eyes. What started out as a lovely morning in my sunlit Queens bedroom was turning into a nightmare from a made-for-TV movie. “Well how bad are they?” I asked, trying to sound optimistic. “I mean there’s the KKK and then there is Archie Bunker.”
“It’s pretty bad,” he said. “They think dating someone black is downgrading. They say I shouldn’t date anyone darker then a paper bag. They would prefer me to date someone either my own race or a white girl. I’ve tried to explain to them that interracial children are genetically superior to single-race kids.” He gave me a sheepish grin.
I pictured Ed going on a Darwinian rant to his religious folks. I struggled with what to say next, contemplating my skin’s proximity to an item used to hold groceries. Cruel words formed in my mouth as I held back the urge to yell. My family is pretty much like the Obamas. My dad has a master’s degree and a good government job. My Creole mother is a registered nurse for a plastic surgeon. My younger brother is studying to be a doctor. My mom and dad were constantly kissing and hugging each other, and I only heard my mom and dad argue once. I talked to my mom almost every day and my dad sent me a text at least twice a week to say he loved me and was proud of me. I realized I was the lucky one. I had come from an accepting brood that would never pass judgment on anyone.
I glanced at Ed and felt suddenly sorry for him. “You have to tell them about me,” I said “You can’t lie. If you’re that embarrassed then we have to break up. I can’t be a secret.” Ed pulled me closer and held me. But I wasn’t so sure he would ever tell his parents about me.
A month later, he and his family went on a matchmaking get-away disguised as a church retreat. Upon arrival, he was introduced to every eligible purebred girl in the parish. When he returned from his holy adventure, he revealed that he had finally told his parents about me. “Every time I turned around, I was being introduced to a nice Filipino girl,” he said. “So I decided to tell them. They where dismissive, but they got the point.”
And all of a sudden, I realized that what his parents thought didn’t matter at all. I reached out and grabbed his hand. Our skin melted, and you couldn’t tell where his stopped and mine started.
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kenai34
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
I’m offended by that little Kansas comment. Maybe you were trying to make a funny generalization about racism. But, not funny.
msu.umich
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
Ah yes, that’s rough. I had a boyfriend whose parents were completely opposed to our relationship until they met me. I was pleased, thinking that somehow they’d overcome some internal prejudice against blacks because of our meeting. Sadly, it turned out they were simply relieved that I wasn’t as dark as they feared I’d be, and that if we insisted on staying together, at least their grandchildren probably wouldn’t look “too colored.”
2007, that was. Shame.
H. Blue
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
My father has a problem with me dating outside my race. I don’t understand it, but it is a part of my reality. Most of the other people I care about don’t care who I date as long as he’s good to me. If/when I get a boyfriend I actually introduce to parents, I’ll have to worry what my dad will do or say. And I wonder if I’ll care or will let it get to me. I don’t think it’s up to anyone else who you fall in love with, but sadly a lot of people think they should make their opinion known.
FrzKey
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
Aw, poor honey. I’m glad you came around to realizing that it’s only his viewpoint and your own that need to matter in the relationship and I’m glad he was willing to take a stand about it in front of his parents. Good luck!
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
i love my dad and he is pure awesome, but boy does he have some ignorant moments… i grew up with racist jokes. then 2 of my best friends in the world were black dudes. i went to iraq with one and stood up in his wedding. now dad still tells the jokes, but always ends the punchlines with “fred and ray are good guys. i shouldnt tell jokes like that anymore.” he isnt perfect, but hes growing. and even though the couple of times i dated a black chick, i never intro’d them to my parents, i think sig-o’s have to understand that we are not our parents.
tabby
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.
sammiben
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
I also find the Kansas comment to be very offensive. Writing a piece about racial discrimination and then throwing in a comment amounting to a different kind of discrimination is hypocritical. Once I read that, your piece came off as disingenuous and transparent. You would elicit more sympathy on the topic if you weren’t discriminatory yourself.
joyy
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
Having been raised by a raging racist, it always amazes me how many people have no idea how much blatant, unapologetic, openly hateful racism is still alive and kicking. These people breed, and they vote.
It breaks my heart that the you had to learn that like this - good luck though, and at least you can take solace in the fact that even being raised by racists, your bf is a great guy who didn’t allow their hate to be passed down.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
I f*cking hate Austrians.
LostInStars
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]
@MuchoMacho, same, my dad is great, and generally a very intelligent man, but his racism is just pure ignorance. He claims it’s not racist if you “hate everyone equally.” He’s trying though…
equnsuocha
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
@Kenai - stretch much? Or are you a moonshine loving monster that was alive in Kansas in the 1940’s? Don’t hide YOUR racism by claiming to be offended. GG
pragmatryst
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
Me too, everyone knows that Deliverance was filmed in Georgia.
equnsuocha
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
@sammiben You too are a racist and I play this with anyone who pretends to be offended when someone states a fact. So you are a racist denier like your friend Kenai and should likely keep your mouth shut. She was right there was rampant racism in that part of the country at that time. Get a grip be a racist if you wanna be at least if you are honest about it you arent the total fraud you are right now
AlisonNoelle
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
Racism is awful and I am truly grateful that my parents raised me right by teaching me that its whats on the inside that matters only. I hope that I am passing this on to my children as well. I feel sorry for people so mired in their ignorance that they can’t see beyond skin color, religion, etc to find the truly awesome people out there.
indiemamacita
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
Wonderful piece ma’am.
As a former Kansan (Kansas-ian?) I found the comment funny. She was talking about the 1940s people! That could have described a lot of the country. Quit looking for a reason to be offended.
moonshine
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]
I take offense to the Kansas comment. Kansas has one of the best educational systems in the country.
Kansas was a free state, the question of whether or not it would be a free state was one of the sparking points for the Civil War. Also, Brown vs the Topeka Board of Education, the case that struck down seperate but equal originated in Kansas. People in that state are/were willing to fight for what they believe is right, from Erin Brokovich (Wichita) to Wyatt Earp (Dodge City). And, btw, in the 40s Jim Crow laws were everywhere.
Also - the banjo is NOT the preferred instrument in Kansas. Please note that in all our public festivals, someone, somewhere, is playing the bagpipes. Get it right, please.
equnsuocha
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]
Oh please to all you “im so offended” people get a grip and stop wasting our time with your nonsense comments
TaraMonster
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
Oh lord. It always cracks me up when the nitpickers come out spewing. “BUT WE DON’T EVEN LIKE BANJOS IN KANSAS!!” Leave the straw men at the door. I wonder why there was a need for Topeka vs Brown… oh that’s right, because people were racist back then, and yes, ohmigod, in Kansas! And you know what? People are still racist all over the damn place.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
equnsuocha, I am offended that you feel the need to tell me that my comments are nonsense.
FYI: Arnold Schwarzenegger is Austrian…and I f*cking hate him.
fireflyeyes
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
My best friend (white) experienced this from her Chinese boyfriend’s parents - who were PASTORS. He listened to them, though, and broke up with her. But she ended up marrying another Chinese man and his mom loves her and her other two white daughters-in-law. Its terrible when it happens, but its good to know we’re starting to get past it too.
amorsalado
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]
I grew up in Kansas. Rural Kansas, granted, but still…I also fled Kansas as soon as I possibly could because (my area at least) was very straight laced republican, Christian, and white. They were a terribly bigoted bunch of folks.
Having said that, my dad was one of them. He was all kinds of prejudiced. Then I married a Dominican man, and he grew a lot when he realized that he was just a man—smart, funny, hard working. I hope when you meet the parents, they realize that you’re just a woman that their son loves and that’s all that matters.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
stop with the “everyone is the same” crap too. go live in a community of a different race. they are all different. some are good. some are bad. and its okay to notice that people live differently. it isnt racism to say “we’re different.” its racism to say “we’re better.”
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]
I live with 2 Indian dudes, one of whom’s parents straight up signed him up for an Indian dating service without his knowledge…still pales in comparison to them saying they hate “Moslems”....didn’t bring that girl home to meet the ‘rents.
That guy is screwed 3 ways to Sunday in this regard.
JamiGirl
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
@MuchoMacho - I couldn’t have said it better.
Having been born, raised, and still living in Southern Louisiana - I will say that racism is still rampant. It’s sad and disgusting. How to fix this? Do as Ghandi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
One other thing, I must be racist too b/c the instant image I get when I hear the word “racist” is a white, redneck, with a mullet, wearing a wife-beeter and drink a Natty Light…I never really picture where he’s from, though. I’ll work on it.
Just b/c I have this image does not meant that I’m ignorant to the fact that racism is inside all kinds of different people, obviously. Get a grip people.
ydragurl
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
@ everyone claiming to be outraged about that Kanasas comment: She was talking about Kanasas in the ‘40s, not now. Sheesh!
@ moonshine: Are you suggesting that because Kansas was a free state during the Civil War that Kansans actually cared about the welfare of African-Americans? If so, you are sorely mistaken. Moreover, you’re undermining your own assertion of Kansas’s supposed racial progressiveness by citing Brown v. Board. The case only originated in Kansas because black citizens there were fed up with subpar educational facilities provided for their children. If anything, the case only serves to highlight the racism rampant in pre-Civl Rights era Kansas.
MondimNebel
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
@ LostinStars - I always tell people I don’t discriminate, I hate everyone. I like your dad.
I kind of feel like if I were to bring home a Jewish man to my parents, they would be nice but ask me later what I see in him. I think there are a lot of people out there like that now- people who are not openly racist (or homophobic, or whatever you happen to be talking about) but who are. We all (or most of us) know that racism is wrong, so you don’t openly act racist toward people.
I’m not saying it’s RIGHT I’m just saying it’s easy to not see how many racist people there are around you.
An example would be those damn 1940’s Kansas residents, whom you apparently aren’t a fan of.
Sage
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
Being a child of biracial decent, I have experienced this on a personal basis. I have seen and heard my now deceased grandmother speak ill of my mother because she had a dark skin tone.
It did not matter what my mother did, she was not accepted. My mother(a Pharmacist), being over educated and all always believed that her husbands mother would eventually accept her.
Well my grandmother being of high color and all eventually started turning her hatred towards me being that I look more Colombian than Anglo ... oh well long story short, one day when I were 15 she told me that I was of low color just like my mother.
I let her have to say the least and told her that I cannot wait until she dies so I can have the delight and pleasure of pissing on her grave.
Some people will never change, and no matter what you do you will never be equal in their eyes - so save yourself the hassle.
P.S. I just remembered I have to go piss on that witches grave this weekend - no love loss here.
MissChaotic
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 02:32 pm: [report]
I’m always dating outside of my race, and inside. Being that my dad is Cuban, he’s open about us dating everybody except Mexicans. One day, my younger brother opens up about dating a half black, half mexican girl, and my dad automatically talks about how bad of a person she is, etc. I mean I love my dad and all, but that is so not cool.
So when I started dating this half black, half Mexican, I chose not to tell my dad about him. However, he decided to tell his mexican dad about me being Cuban, and his dad told me not to even sit next to him when he’s around. Talk about racism…
...whats even worse is that I’m not even immersed in Cuban culture because my family has been out of Cuba since the 20’s and has assimilated into American Culture (so I typically identify myself as either black or American or mutt).
The ignorance of some people…
theattack
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]
@equnsuocha: Come on, everyone can have their own opinions. Your comments sound like troll comments, telling people to keep their mouths shut and making accusations based on little to nothing. Please play nice and respect everyone on this happy online community of Frisky people.
In regards to the Kansas comment, I was a little put off by it too. I’m oh so familiar with banjos and moonshine, and there is some incest where I’m from (not Kansas, btw). Let’s just not profile another group of people while we’re fighting profiling for another, mmk?
I’m really sorry you had to go through this. Racism is a terrible beast, and it’s so unfortunate that it still exists. That sucks big time, but you’re only stronger for having encountered that. I was honestly really surprised that you hadn’t ever known any “civilized” people that were racist. There must not be many racist people outside of the South, I guess.
spatula
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 02:39 pm: [report]
@theattack: Right on!!
joyy
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
@theattack - oh there are PLENTY of racists outside of the south. I moved from PA to AZ and uh, they’re everywhere, unfortunately.
hlnbabe
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 02:50 pm: [report]
What’s rough about your particular situation, Contessa Schexnayer, and some people might not know this, but Fillipinos from the actual Phillipines have a historical background similar to slaves.
At the turn of the 20th century the U.S. espoused that the we were against imperialism, but then had no problem taking over the Phillipines. Then we sent all these people there, missionaries and the like, and brainwashed these people that being white and Christian was the only way to be and that they were beneath us. Then you look at your boyfriend, and it makes sense why his parents think that way, they grew up there where they were ingrained with the belief that the lighter the better.
It’s especially sad because this happens so frequently that one particular ethnic or racial group is exploited and crucified and at the first chance at a healthy experience they kinda do the same thing to another disenfranchised group of people. It’s so cyclical and depressing.
They’ve even proven that it only takes 25 generations to go from the darkest dark to the lightest light and vice versa strictly on environmental condition evolution. race truly is skin deep.
bethlynn00
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]
I don’t get the people being offended by the Kansas reference, it’s not even relevant to the story! At some point in time pretty much every state allowed slaves, even if they later were against it, and every state has had KKK branches, so she could have used any state and it would have worked. I live in Madison, WI and as liberal as it is suppose to be, less than 45 minutes away in Janesville, they have a large KKK group, so people need to chill out and think about the relevance of the actually story, who cares that she said Kansas? I had to go back and read that part, cause i missed it thru the first reading! Get the sticks out of your butt!
Anyways, I think this is common. We all talk about inter-racial dating and marrying, but it is still very frowned upon. Many people are adamant in maintaining their race or culture, I don’t know I that makes them racist, but I’m sure lots of parents have been disappointed about who their child brings home. I just don’t see how it is different then like another story that was up here were the Jewish woman was in love with a non-Jew and her parents were not accepting of her marrying a non-Jew. It all comes down to what you as an individual think is best, not your parents and what they want.
hlnbabe
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 02:56 pm: [report]
also, i judge people all the time.
if you say please, thank you, and hold doors… i pretty much like you.
bumbler
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
@hlnbabe That’s my racist confession. I hate to see a minority be racist especially towards another minority group. Logically I know thats racist because why should one group be held to a higher standard than the majority but my heart doesn’t like how someone who has faced adversity can turn those same thoughts on someone else.
@MissChaotic The hierarchy some people have about hispanics shocked me when I first started experiencing other cultures outside of my small town. The only experience I can compare it with is my high school friend’s Italian family who hated Irish people. I started working with a lot of Hispanic men from all over Latin America and met my Colombian husband’s family and found out how some people have very stereotypical idea about Cubans, Argentinians, Puerto Ricans etc etc but it seems like poor Mexicans are on the bottom of everyone’s list. It’s still considered an insult of the highest order to ask if someone in South Florida is Mexican for two reasons: first the white stereotype that all hispanic people are Mexican and second because being called Mexican is an insult.
equnsuocha
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 03:22 pm: [report]
@theattack - yep you are right I am a troll. The call to bring me out from under my bridge is when people pretend to be offended about something so innocuous it tells you that they are, in fact, a reflection of the thing that offends them. In this case, racists from Kansas. Thank you for speaking the words that allow me to come out from under my bridge once again.
@CheeeeEEEEEse - I almost came out for you
2keiki
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 03:48 pm: [report]
My college boyfriend was an American born Chinese. I am Korean American. His family could not accept since I was not Chinese. He has married a nice Chinese girl and I am sure his family is thrilled.
MetryJen
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 04:45 pm: [report]
Yeah, my bf’s mother is mexican, and it cracks me up every time she starts talking trash about arabics or blacks. I usually throw in a comment along of the lines of “yeah, it’s like all those nasty mexicans standing around outside of home depot” just to mess her up
majicksand
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 04:45 pm: [report]
My cousin married a Chinese girl. Her family had a really hard time accepting him, but she stood her ground. They decided they loved her more than they hated him.
blonde falcon
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 04:53 pm: [report]
The author of this essay is an amazing, beautiful, happy,hysterically funny, brilliant young woman who I have had the pleasure of being friends with for the past 4 years. Contessa, I commend you on this amazing essay, and as your friend, I am shocked to hear that you have had to deal with such a heart wrenching issue. The thought of you brings a smile to my face, and anyone who would pre judge you based on the way you look ( which by the way, is amazingly gorgeous) sickens me. I teared up reading this and hope that this issue resolves itself or disappears. Your writing was truly touching.
*** sweet nectar? moonshine I believe you mean…
draymond
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:16 pm: [report]
I live in a community in Southern California that is majority Phillippino. My daugher’s boyfriend is Phillippino and while she may have been greeted with ‘oh no not another’ (she apparently is the most recent of a number of anglo girlfriends he has had) they are quite accepting of her now. So maybe time will help.
In general life is tough for the first generation of immigrants. They are seeing their children be farther apart from them in attituce and language, and the thought of their grandchildren being so much further apart not just in attitude and language but also appearance can be disheartening.
It might be tempting to hide from them but I would encourage you to take the tough step of getting to know them. They need to see you for who you are rather than who you are not.
Kitt
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 04:11 am: [report]
My god that infuriates me. I’m glad he manned up in the end; any guy who couldn’t defend me for ANY reason at all is a waste of time. Plain and simple.
I can relate; my parents are hardcore traditional Filipino parents as well but I wouldn’t take their #&@$%. Initially they preferred that I dated a Filipino boy too but despite their constant racist, narrow-minded rants I’ve always managed to stay color blind and level-headed. My boyfriend is British and black, couldn’t be any more foreign from what they know, and they’ve never been happier for me. It’s been more than three years now.
I really hope someday his parents can get over themselves, open their eyes and see this country for what it really is: a melting pot, one that they MOVED TO, and what a wonderful lady they’ve been missing out on. If they don’t, screw them.
Yay for you both!
Thirty-third Samurai
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 05:31 am: [report]
This is beautiful writing. Heartfelt, smart. I love “whip smart.” As always, you turn phrases really well.
The “we’re like the Obama’s” paragraph switches to past tense in the last couple of sentences. I was expecting it to be present tense.
Getting the reader to feel what it’s like to be compared to a paper bag is powerful.
Congratulations. Keep writing.
wild-ting
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 10:08 am: [report]
I’m not from Kansas. I have friends that live in Kansas. I have known some scary racist folks from Kansas. All you up in arms Kansas folks failed to miss the “humor” and irony in what she was saying and why she said it. The point being, you never know who is racist. You can’t pick them out on where they live, what job they have, what nationality, ethnicity or skin color they have.
Contessa, I’m glad things worked out in your relationship. If it hadn’t, it would have been a good growing experience for you and the boyfriend.
SouthOC
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 10:24 am: [report]
Racism is learned behavior (and therefore can be changed through enlightenment). My dad was pretty racist, so when I went to college I’d always bring home my “diversity” friends. After some uncomfortable moments, he began to see the light and actually grew to love them. I’m married to a woman of Mexican descent, and dad was crazy about her. Long story short, you can teach an old dog new tricks!
Jill
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]
@fireflyeyes:
I’m in the same boat kind of. My Chinese boyfriend’s parents don’t really love that I’m white. When I’m around they say a total of maybe three words to me.
Even if its just his mom and my boyfriend and I in a room watching a movie, she’ll talk about it in Chinese and if he doesn’t translate it for me then I’m just out of luck. They’ve lived here for like thirty years, they know plenty of English.
You shouldn’t be upset with your boyfriend, he was obviously uncomfortable and apologetic. My boyfriend honestly doesn’t get why I’m upset by his parent’s behaviors. We’ve been together two years, I think it’s about time to talk to me a little bit.
Jac
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 02:24 pm: [report]
Ah racism sucks. I’m now married to my white (german/italian) husband… his family never really accepted me in the beginning. They’re Jewish and they would always make snide remarks about how he would be so much better off with a “nice Jewish girl”. (I’m Chinese born and raised in NYC).
On top of it when we were together almost 3 years his family tries to set him up with a single Jewish girl. As if I didn’t exist or matter. Now we have been together 5 years the comments have died down but they still pop up occasionally. I still have to deal with their misconceptions of asian people and I still get excluded from family functions. No one speaks to me directly about anything important and my mother-in-law treats me as though I am a child.
But what are you going to do. Some ppl are just set in their ways. I know my husband loves me and he is not racist so thats all that matters to me.
kmm460
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 09:35 pm: [report]
I go to a school that is located in the middle of nowhere. The student body makes up the majority of the population of this town. And most recently I dated a guy who is a local from this town. Interracial dating has never been a problem for me, I actually prefer it. However in the time I was dating him, I could see how different our worlds are. He is from a town where they have only one gas station, and not a single stoplight. I’m from Jersey, and I never heard such a thing. I didn’t even know that was possible.
From the beginning, I knew we were an odd couple. Just imagine, a 5’5” Asian girl holding hands with a 6’4” red-hair guy walking down the street. We got quite a reaction, but it didn’t matter to us. Granted his small-town upbringing, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The first time I met his parents was interesting. When I mean interesting, it was actually uncomfortable. The look on his mother’s face upon meeting me, was priceless. One of those looks, like I was an alien from another planet. His parents knew about me, so it shouldn’t have been a shock that I was Asian. I tried the best I can to remain calm, and friendly. They are the parents of the guy I’ve fallen for. I wanted nothing more than to gain his parents approval. But still there was tension in the air, I guess I didn’t fit the type of girl he would bring home to mom and dad. When I met his friends, it was even worse. They made narrow-minded comments, that I would dare not say or even think of. When they talked to me they would refer to me as Asian and not by my name (seriously).
While we’d like to think that this day in age we are more open-minded than generations before us; there are still those that hold onto those preconceived notions of people. And its sad to see that some have that mentality towards others.
SouthOC
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
@kmm460: Do what makes you happy. Period, end of story. If this is the guy you love, hold onto him no matter what. If the small town you currently live in is less than progressive, move to a bigger town when you graduate, and you will find the acceptance you seek. I live in Orange County, CA, and inter-racial relationships are just part of the landscape here. Besides, if anyone objects it’s their problem, not yours.
sic.itur.ad.astra
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]
@draymond: I got that comment from my ex’s mother when he told her he was dating a white girl (He’s Vietnamese). She thought he was going through a phase. I never actually met his parents as his girlfriend, my parents knew his dad in a business situation and I met his mom once when we were just friends, but he never had the balls to bring me home. This eventually led to the end of the relationship, among other things, because he wouldn’t even introduce me to family friends we ran into around town. In this situation, religion played a big role as well. His family was devoutly Catholic, and I am an athiest. I think if I were Catholic but white, that would have been an easier pill for them to swallow.
Bee Mee
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
“Also, Brown vs the Topeka Board of Education, the case that struck down seperate but equal originated in Kansas.”
You do realize that the case originated in Kansas because they were practicing racial discrimination… in Kansas (they weren’t alone, but were definitely on the list). The case went all the way to the US Supreme Court in DC because the Kansas courts ruled in favor of the Board of Education - to continue “seperate but equal.” It’s not as though the people of Kansas decided to end discrimination because it was the moral and progressive thing to do - their hand was forced by a federal court.
I’ll give them credit for not shutting down the schools like other states did in response to integration.
belongsomewhere
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 10:49 pm: [report]
Contessa, I’m glad things worked out between you and your boyfriend and that he stood up to his parents! There have been similar experiences in my family (mostly dealing with gender rather than race), so I’ve seen how challenging it is to deal with that kind of thing. It sounds like your boyfriend is a pretty brave guy, and like you’re pretty brave for standing by him while he dealt with that.
drebella
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 05:08 am: [report]
I have more than once been accused of being racist..but against my own kind. I will only date guys that are not white, ie, African, Jamaican, Egyptian, etc. I can’t stand the prevalent racism that is so widespread within the white culture especially, that it turned me off of dating white boys. I have met so many that swear that they aren’t racist, but I honestly in my twenty five years and multiple different cities(really big and small)I haven’t yet not met a white boy that is racist to some or all degrees. They say they aren’t racist but soon enough they have made some snide remark about a different race, and hope that since they are surrounded by other white people no one will say anything. I can’t stand it. Im not saying other races aren’t discriminatory, but I can honestly say its way more widespread among white people. Its such an ignorant attitude and an embarrassment. As for all of you people out there that are writing about dating someone of another race, but afraid to tell your parents? Thats almost equally disgusting, i don’t see how your any better than your racist parents, by hiding the person your with, because your afraid of your parents? please thats pathetic, as grown ups you have to take control of your on life and be proud of who you are, or if your hiding it, your not really who you think you are, your just a pathetic small person, who doesn’t have the guts to stand up for what you “think” is right. If your parents disown you and whatever may happen, than you know what, they aren’t worth being around, plain and simple. I don’t care if they were from different times, or just don’t know any better, educate them or just move on. “No culture can live, if it attempts to be exclusive.”~MLK
“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.”~ MLK, Jr.
and as for being insulted @ the Kansas remark? The truth hurts doesn’t it.
as for me being racist? I have no issues with white people really, and I don’t base my relationship decisions on the colour of their skin, but the lack of values so many of them have and the continued widespread ignorance of how similar we are…come on people…its just a skin colour…we are all human…
jstavixxxen
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 08:18 pm: [report]
I too was raised by a racist, he spewed his hateful comments thru my whole childhood, I had 4 brothers and sisters, and 3 out of the four all racists, only my brother and I are accepting of everyone.
Funny thing is now I am the one being judged, I moved to New Mexico two years ago and it is amazing how the population here are so judgmental and don’t want to accept me because I am so white, I have even had a few students at the school I work at tell me I am the whitest woman they have ever seen.
It’s really too bad everyone wouldn’t realize we are all the same race….......human. Would make life so much easier wouldn’t it?