Girl Talk: What Happens When You’re Just Not Into An Amazing Guy?

fireflyeyes
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]

Maybe you just need to find a flaw… if you see him as perfect then he’s something to dream about, not date. No one wants to be with someone perfect, because then you feel inferior. It’s not REAL. I’m not usual one to advocate looking a gift horse in the mouth, but maybe if you find a few ways he’s not completely perfect (eg, my husband is the best husband in the world but couldn’t be on time to save both our lives), you’ll start seeing him more as an equal and less as a golden god.

Good luck!

heythere
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]

You have run into a perfect man, but he’s not YOUR perfect man. Something is trying really hard to keep you from feeling what everybody else feels for him, because maybe, just maybe, there might be something even better out there for you.

brandyalexander
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:12 am: [report]

Hmm, maybe you are more into the idea of a boyfriend than the reality of a boyfriend?

Riley
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]

I have a similar situation.  Great girl, smart, driven and beautiful; but I’m not feeling that desire.  When we are apart I think about her a lot and hope things will work, but together I get mixed emotions.

It is likely falling apart anyway, either she is on to my android emotions or she isn’t into me anymore.

No answers here, but you aren’t alone.

amandabear
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]

Sometimes it’s just not there. I’ve gone out with many perfectly awesome guys who just didn’t make me want to jump their bones, even when my brain was telling me I SHOULD want to jump their bones, because hello, perfect. You really can’t force it and it’s usually hurtful to try.

HotFudgeSundae
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]

I was in a similar situation, where I met a great guy, we really got along, but there weren’t any sparks.  I convinced myself that I did feel an attraction for him and we ended up dating for 5 years.  After about 2.5 years, I felt unfulfilled and could no longer deny that we were only friends.  Things got dragged out and I learned a very hard lesson.  If the spark isn’t there in the beginning, its not going to magically appear later on in the relationship.  However, that was only my experience…

emcdancer
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]

I’ve had two similar instances of this, both I think turned out for the better.

The first was a guy I met who seemed to have all those perfect qualities I was looking for. He was attractive, however I wasn’t attracted to him. I went on a few dates with him, and he really seemed to like me. But right before each date I would freak out and try to get out of it, and then beat myself up for being a wuss and go anyways. Eventually I realized my gut was telling me not to go out with this guy and I broke it off. He then got a little possesive on me and kept trying to contact me well after I told him I wasn’t interested. So I think had I continued on that path he could have gotten really ugly on me. So lesson #1: trust your instincts.

Later on I ended up dating a co-worker that I had always had a strong friend connection with. We had always been friends because he was married, but later they got divorced. I resisted his advances, for several obvious reasons, but threw the brakes on repeatedly because I didn’t find him physically attractive. Several of my friends had described how they fell in love with the person inside before outside, and I didn’t want to be shallow, so I eventually went on a “date”. We then hit the ground running and fell in mad, crazy love. Rocked my world. I shortly thereafter I had never been more physically turned on in my life. So lesson #2: if there’s chemistry, the physical part can and will come later.

Alison Wonderland
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]

The litmus test I usually use in situations like this is whether or not the idea of a guy going on a date with another girl bothers me. Not whether it ‘should’ or ‘should not’- ei: if there’s no official agreement of exclusivity- but whether is does or doesn’t.

Since1981
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]

I can completely relate.  I met this great guy about a year ago and we became instant buddies.  We were together everyday and when we weren’t together, we were talking on the phone constantly.  I was really bummed that there was no attraction on my part because he was perfect!  He ended up telling me that he loved me and asking me to move in and that’s when the friendship ended.  It was hard to be friends when one of us wanted so much more.  I miss him to death and I wonder where we would be today if I had felt something too.

LunaLena
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]

Not that I know anything about you, John, or this subject, but perhaps he simply made it too easy for you?  It’s only been a month and he’s all over you, maybe subconsciously you feel that he seems a bit desperate and is going too fast, or it took so little effort for him to be into you that you’re bored with the relationship already.  If that’s the case, I’d suggest leveling with him and suggesting an open relationship.  Maybe seeing other people will make you newly appreciate just how wonderful he is, and seeing him with other women will do something for you.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

Riley
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]

@Luna - That actually makes sense to me.

edog
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:37 am: [report]

I am in this exact situation right now. But I’ve had such a string of failed relationships with people I felt instant sexual chemistry with that I really want to take it slow with someone different and see what happens. While I don’t feel super sparks when we meet up, he does make me laugh and treats me so well that I am looking forward to seeing what happens. I’ve heard that sometimes the chemistry kicks in AFTER you start sleeping together, so while I’m not rushing anything, I think it’s worth a try.

mjg323
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]

If you don’t like him, you just don’t like him.  But there’s something to be said for a quiet love that grows with time.  My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and while he didn’t knock my socks off when we met (he almost didn’t get a 2nd date!), I’ve grown to love him more than I would have thought possible to love anyone.  I felt the same way you do at first:  he’s a great guy, but I’m just not that into him.  But he had some awesome qualities and intrigued me enough to find out more.  It took me 3-4 months to realize I loved him…which is very different from being “in love”.  If you want to be “in love”, you should probably look elsewhere, but I feel that fades with time, while “loving” someone is something you can still do when you’re old and gray.  I have my best friend, someone I always enjoy being around, and who I can have a lot of fun with rolled into the same person.  I would have missed out on my soulmate if I’d relied on that initial “spark” to tell me things were right.  Just my experience, but what you’re going through now sounds awfully familiar.

MissPandaXD
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]

This happened to me a few summers ago. After being cheated on, lied to, and emotionally destroyed man after man I found the perfect guy. He was sweet, funny, smart, “got” me, and truly cared about me. I would always think about him and want to spend time with him, but when we were together it just never really “clicked”. I tried to force myself to like it, to want to kiss him and touch him. But I would get almost creeped out if it got to far.
Finally I just stopped trying. I broke his little heart and felt so bad, but even though I really cared about him I couldn’t force myself to like him on a deeper level.
A year past and once in a while he would shoot me text messages just to see how I was doing. And when the guy I’m with now broke my heart and cheated (like all the rest) he was there for me, and I am so grateful.
I like to think that maybe when I’m older and my heart is less fleeting I could settle down with this “perfect” guy. But now he is just a wonderful and indispensable friend I wish I could see as more.

bogart4017
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]

If you’re not interested leave him alone. Stop wasting his time. Put some space between the two of you and if you feel different then let him know. Right now you’re just writing a book for another woman to read.

Dmun
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]

Ha!! As much as this site likes to rip on male dating coaches, it’s reading their materials that tells me the problem with John. Nice? Kind? Chivalous? Would spoil you rotten? Women are not turned on by supplicants, by easily controlled men who are, quite simply, too into you.

You’ve already mapped out the future of this guy. Where’s his mystery? His danger? I’m willing to bet you downright resent his “safeness” but your mothers voice is whispering “security” while romantic comedy checklists say he’s flawless.

He isn’t flawless, he’s boring. And you deserve to be excited by your man. Don’t listen to the voices!!

babybritain
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]

let him go, give him to some girl who would really appreciate him. He won’t die if he’s not with you. It actually sounds like you are being pretty selfish in keeping him. Work a little harder, a little longer, and definitely smarter and you’ll find that perfect guy for you.

bumbler
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]

So what happens if a woman is not sexually attracted to a bad boy?  Male dating coaches’ heads explode?

Attraction is partly chemical, beyond our control.  Drop him so you can both be happier finding someone thats better for you.

tabby
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]

My Two Cents- You mentioned that you have had a string of jerks for boyfriends, I can relate. I think that when you are used to having guys treat you like crap and be so much less than you deserve, you start to believe that such badness is normal and that any guy who isn’t a disaster isn’t sexy. That is what happened to me. I didn’t want the smart, hot, nice guys who wanted me because I was all warped from the jerks. I finally decided that I was done with all of that and made it a mission to only date nice, smart, stable guys. The first guy was really into me, had a real job, and was kind and generous. Sounds great, right? Except that I didn’t feel that spark. I could sort of make myself be interested because he was such a catch, but I never actually lusted over him. I think that if you have been trying for a month to make a spark happen, that it is probably not going to happen. But, how important that is in the grand scheme of things is really up to you. You can love someone when the lust part is gone and lust isn’t everything in a relationship. And if you think you don’t spark with him because he is too great, then that is a problem in your head and not in, ummm, other body parts. Just don’t lead the poor guy on if he isn’t the one for you.

ootie
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]

In most cases I would say, if you don’t like someone you don’t like them, end of story. It doesn’t matter that a lot of people might.  However, I can think of one case where a situation like this turned out really well in the end. My sister had a guy friend in college that was reaaaaally into her. She would always complain about it to me, but she was also confused, because she thought he was a really great guy, she just didn’t feel any spark at all with him. Eventually they started dating, because enough people convinced her that she had nothing to lose, and over time she developed a really deep attraction and love for him.  Now they are the happiest married couple I know. So I think it can work out sometimes, if the only thing that’s missing is that “I need you now” kind of physical chemistry.

Shelbsthomcat
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]

Sounds like Carrie Bradshaw and Aiden on Sex and the City. How sad.

hops09
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]

Ask yourself if you would honestly be ok with it if he decided to date someone else. If you know you’d be ok with it, then stop worrying about it and end the romantic relationship while you’re still capable of being friends. If you aren’t ok with it, then you better learn to like him, because he won’t wait around forever.
Whatever you do, don’t lead him on. It’s just a s#!#%y thing to do.
My guess is once he stops being interested in you, you’ll be all over him.

Jessalyn
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]

This happened to me last year. It might have been because I was still hung up on my ex at that point, but I just didn’t feel a spark with this guy even though he was one of the best people - on all levels - I’ve ever met and I really enjoyed spending time with him. It definitely worked out well for him - he’s now married to a woman he loves and very, very happy. And we’re still friends. And at least I’m not wondering what’s wrong with me that I’m not attracted to the perfect guy anymore!

C.Munro
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]

I’m with Bogart on this one.  If John can get over his attraction to you, he’ll probably make a good friend.  If he can’t, you’ll probably have to let him go.  But I don’t think you can make an attraction appear out of nowhere, and I also don’t think you should devote too much time to wondering why you’re not attracted to him.  You aren’t, John deserves someone who is, you should be with someone who makes you feel what you’re missing now, and that’s all that matters.

Lightsey
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 02:27 pm: [report]

I’ve been there done that.  My advice is end the romance part now and work on being friends.

My experience in a nutshell:
Mark was the perfect guy, smart, funny, kind, a great conversationalist, handsome, and not to mention a chef. We were introduced thru mutual friends and although he seemed to have everything I had ever hoped for and wanted, the spark between us was missing.  I continued to date him for almost three months before we slept together and even though it was great sex functionally, the passion that had been missing in the whole relationship was lacking in the bedroom to.  We dated for almost two years and one of our biggest problems was that I never wanted to be close to him, have sex with him or even kiss him.  I will say it has still been the best dating experience I have ever had and I would love to set him up with someone as wonderful as him. I’m just sad to say it will never be me, because I had learned you can never create the spark where it has never been.

John was next fella in my life and he was the exact opposite of Mark, but the SPARK had never been so *sparklely* it made me realize that nothing is worth the sacrifice of the spark no matter how “prefect” any guy seems.

elizajane
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]

Kiss him. Yes maybe you need a drink to assist but do it. I went out with a guy who was way into me and I was not so into him. I usually date tall, hot, 27 year olds with sixpack abs and no desire to commit and he was short and average looking and 34 years old (I am also 34). On the second date he mustered up the nerve to kiss me and all of my reservations went out the door.  Maybe it is maturity(finally admitting I am 34) or my willingness to actually settle down but he kisses me like I am the most precious thing ever and I am slightly addicted to him now. The only caveat is if you don’t have good banter. bad banter: get out now.

billythekid
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]

I see this type of thing all the time because I teach guys how to date women. The guy is basically a pussy. The key element that makes a guy attractive to a girl is the ability to be in charge. “Jerks” as you call them are able to do this. Nice guys like this loser you’re dating can’t. What you view as “chivalry” is really just a guy without a spine. That’s why chivalry isn’t attractive to women if the guy can’t put his foot down and say “no”. And I know the soccer moms on here will protest and say I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I’m pretty sure I’m the one dating the model while they’re the ones dating their cats.

It’s funny how the loneliest, most unattractive women are always the first ones to condemn guys and tell them they don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to dating.  I’m pretty sure my happy penis speaks for itself.

canadiancutie
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]

Are you on The Pill? Maybe your pheromones and all of that just aren’t working properly right now.

canadiancutie
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]

Also, do you have a “type” that you rarely deviate from? Because if you do, the whole world could think he’s hot, and he could actually BE hot in that Abercrombie/Paul Walker kind of way, but if you like your men more like Tim Armstrong, you’re just not going to see it.

Jessalyn
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]

@billythekid: Reality check - a guy who can “put his foot down” and does it for no reason, about things that don’t matter, is a cranky, whiny adolescent who never grew up. A guy who stands up for and is passionate about what he believes in while being civil to those who disagree (and chivalrous/polite in general) is hot. Women who are attracted to guys who boss people around just because they can are usually insecure and feel the need to have someone around who can tell them what to do. If that makes you happy, good for you (although poor them - they really need someone who will make them feel better about themselves, not step all over them) - but don’t insult women who are confident in who they are and know themselves well enough to make their own decisions just because they’re not your “type.”

And lest you think I’m a lonely, unattractive soccer mom with a case of sour grapes, I’m none of the three, although I still find your generalizations ignorant and insulting.

bjoontheupside
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 03:09 pm: [report]

I’ve dated guys before that I felt like this with and they weren’t near perfect, but for the most part, had potential of being “the one.” So why weren’t they? Because like you, I wasn’t that into them in that way. I use to beat myself up over this too because I figured something had to be wrong with me to not want to settle down with them, but now I realize that I would have been settling and isn’t that the ultimate no-no? What did help me realize that they weren’t the ones though was spending more time with them to make sure that it wasn’t exactly me. They just weren’t meant for me, nor was I meant for them.

billythekid
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 03:12 pm: [report]

@Jessalyn: reality check- a bitch who is a control freak is a whiny little girl who never grew up. A guy who doesn’t put up with women’s #&@$% IS HOT. I know much more about dating women than you do because I’ve dated waaaaaaay more women then you, so I know what women find hot. See women like you love to delude themselves into think all these silly, frivolous things are hot. But I actually KNOW what women consider to be hot in actual practice because, unlike you, I can speak from EXPERIENCE dating women. You can’t. You are like the typical fat and/or unattractive women who just can’t make a man happy. You drive men away. I should know because I hear complaints about women like you ALL TIME TIME. Men are not attracted to controlling bitches like you. And I know you are jealous of desirable women who support their men. You could never be my gf because A) you’re not hot enough to be her obviously B) you’re a controlling bitch and C) I don’t date controlling bitches. They aren’t my “type” and they are the “type” that most men DESIRE. Men will definitely end up with controlling bitches like you, but they definitely don’t want to stay there. And if given empowerment, they will most certainly leave such women. See Jon Gosslin for a perfect example of a pussy guy who finally saw a little bit of light at the end. He himself admitted he was a passive guy who let Kate walk all over him. No man desires a bitch like that.

So don’t insult men who are in charge of their women. And don’t insult desirable, ATTRACTIVE women who love and support their men being in charge. Most men would cut off their right arm to date and be in a relationship with women like that. I find your silly inexperienced remarks about what women really desire to be ignorant and insulting to common sense. Again, I have way more experience dating women than you do. And the men I teach would say the same thing since I literally help them develop fulfilling relationships with the women of their choice.

C.Munro
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 03:27 pm: [report]

@billythekid:  Take your condescending seduction community horsesh*t elsewhere.  I happen to know a thing or two about dating women too, and frankly your approach only works on women I wouldn’t consider dating in the first place.  You don’t have to be an asshat to get a date.

GudrunBrangwen
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]

In my opinion, there’s no need to overthink this.  Attraction is mysterious, and, like Bumbler said, there’s a chemical component.  If you’ve spent some time with him over a month and feel nothing, he’s not for you. 

Yes, it does sound like a worrying situation to be in.  You’re worried that “any other guy would be a second-rate boyfriend.” But a guy you’re really hot for, who feels like your perfect fit, can be a first-rate boyfriend even if he’s funny-looking & his job sucks.

bethlynn00
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 03:32 pm: [report]

@billythekid: A man who is “in charge” of a woman= her father, not her boyfriend.

And having a relationship means having two people who support each other, not one supporting the other.

Unfortunately this type of misogynistic idealism of what a “good woman” continues in our society and allows for anybody to claim to be a dating aficionado and men to take their advice to heart.  It also leads to many women to think that the man is suppose to be dominant, even when this attitude often leads them to be in abusive relationships.

The broad generalizations being made about what women think is “hot”, further leads me to believe that you have not dated many types of women, because we don’t all share one brain, so what works for one doesn’t work for all. I’ve dated waaaayyyy more men than you and I don’t think they are all looking for a woman who will just do whatever they say and never speak their minds. Like I’ve said before assumptions start with ass for a reason…

billythekid
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 03:53 pm: [report]

@c.munro: sorry you’ve been rejected so many times that any man experiencing success is a threat to you. There are plenty of bitter, angry guys like you around. But the secret is not to dwell in your pathetic condition. Do something about it. Stop blaming other men for having the balls to go after what they want. It’s because you’re so scared to change your life that you resent other men like me who do have balls.

And I’m sure your dating advice is fine for losers who can’t get anything better. But why would I want to be a loser like you and SETTLE for an unattractive girl when I can date a real women of substance?

Also, I feel sorry for you that you had to join the nerds and dorks of the “Seduction Community.” I would advise you to stay away from guys giving out advice when they’ve only had experience dating their hands. But it sounds like you’ve already gone that route. No wonder you’re a bitter guy. Why all the hate? Just because I have a girlfriend I enjoy being in a relationship with and you don’t? Come on. Get over yourself. Life is too short to be that full of hate and bitterness.

And regarding the other person who made the comment about attraction being mysterious- that’s BS. If attraction was so mysterious, we could never say anything definitive about it. The fact that we can get results consistently pretty much speaks for itself.

@bethlynn00: uh, you’re wrong there. A man who is in charge of his woman is a man who is DESIRABLE. And like I told the other girl, I and the guys I teach have the experience to back it up. You DON’T.

And you’re also wrong about relationships. Children are in relationships with their parents. Do the children pay support the parents? NO. So obviously you’re wrong about what constitutes a proper relationship.

In a proper relationship, ALL parties involved benefit. It has nothing to do with monetary support.

And it’s unfortunate that this stupid conclusion that men being in charge of the relationship somehow equates to hatred of women. That’s as stupid as saying that parents hate children just because they’re in charge of them. That’s a simplistic, ignorant, feminist conclusion, which is also the reason why so many women are drugged up and unhappy with their lives today.

I’m fully in charge of my relationship, and my woman is much happier than you are in your delusional view of relationships. And I’d say that more often than not, today’s women “abuse” men all the time in their relationships. Kate plus 8 is a perfect example of a woman abusing a man in a relationship. He’s a whipped pussy and admitted to it. Now he resents and hates kate for her abuse.

And your foolish conclusion about women not preferring men in charge PROVES you have no idea what women want. Like I said a million times already, I have dated way more women than any woman on here. I KNOW what women respond to. You’re just angry that I know much more than you do about yourself.

And I’m sorry you feel like such an ass for making stupid assumptions but don’t fear. I’ll help correct the stupid ASSumption you just made about men. Men don’t want a woman who doesn’t speak. Men like women who speak. They just don’t prefer bitches like you who are control freaks and don’t know how to let a man be in charge.

Parents are in charge of children. Does that make the children mindless robots who don’t ever speak? I can’t believe so many misguided feminists come to this stupid conclusion all the time. Must be that problem you mentioned about having your head up your assumption?

Kate134
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 03:54 pm: [report]

“In charge of THEIR women” seriously, go f*_k off and date your bimbos you misogynistic a$$hat.

I date real men, who have jobs, treat me like a human being and don’t act like 5 year old boys who watched their mothers get abused by a jack-*ff father (I wonder why you hate your mother SO very much). Women in general want guys who are decisive, sure. But not #&@$% who look at us like objects and talk to us in condescending ways about how we need to be their toys.

And by the way I’m bisexual. I have dated many women and they were all hot. I know what works for me and I like dating women who are empowered for themselves - because they are the best in bed. And the best to be around.

BTW I’m a 23 yearold, who doesn’t have a cat, any kids, and isn’t even close to overweight or ugly. I’m well traveled, successful and currently trying to figure out what movie to see tonight with my boyfriend. And you can go suck it because I think (apart from the disgusting stomach patch- 8 kids does not treat the body well) Kate Gosselin is kinda hot. Definitely more attractive than your sorry ass.

tishfish44
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 04:08 pm: [report]

Sometimes a guy really can be TOO nice.  Seriously.  A friend and I discussed an otherwise decent, perhaps “perfect” male, but one who lacked passion.  We decided- if you can’t imagining him punching a wall, you can’t imagine him throwing you against one.

billythekid
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]

@kate134: haha wow! Bitter much?? No wonder you keep getting rejected by men with that hateful attitude! Why do you have to be such a bitch? Does it help you cope with the rejection?

Yeah you’re 23 and you dated how many again?

Try again without the attitude and the angry bitch rant and maybe we can talk again, ok princess?

C.Munro
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 04:19 pm: [report]

@billythekid:  Your response is so off-base I actually find it amusing.  I’m not bitter or angry, or even lacking in dating opportunities, and I labeled you as a part of the seduction community, not myself.  Sounds like you’re projecting your own bitterness and anger onto me.  All I’m doing is calling you out on your supremely misguided view, not to mention the insulting and immature way in which you stated your case. 

And I’ve probably been around the block many, many times more than you, kiddo.

billythekid
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 04:26 pm: [report]

@C.Munro: No, I think the irony here is you lecturing anybody about being off-base when you try to accuse me of being part of the “Seduction Community” just because I’m successful with women and you aren’t. That doesn’t make you angry or bitter. It just makes you stupid. What makes you angry and bitter is your childish attack against me just because you’re threatened by the truth of your sackless failures with women.

All I’m doing is calling you out on your supremely misguided mangina status. I deal with a lot of recovering manginas just like you who are clueless when it comes to women.

And I’m sorry junior, but dating your hand doesn’t qualify as around the block in my book. Come back when you actually get a date. And here you go lecturing about maturity with that kind of bitchy/snipey comment? Have you gotten over yourself.

C.Munro
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 04:36 pm: [report]

If it walks like a duck ...

Explain how you are not a member of the seduction community.  You claim you’re not, but you say you coach men on how to date, and the advice you’ve offered is the same thing they all say.  Sounds like seduction community to me. 

You come in here insulting people, and I’m the one who’s making bitchy comments?  Seriously?  Do you even read what you’re bloviating?  Do you really expect to win anyone over with your attitude?  Why do you even bother to post here? 

And no, I haven’t gotten over myself.  Never will.  In case you haven’t noticed, I’m better-looking than those “models” you “date.”  Smarter too.

retro chic
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 05:07 pm: [report]

Justine, “What Happens If You’re Just Not Into An Amazing Guy?”
It only matters if he’s amazing to you. Analysis and daydreaming is no substitute for true connection. Decide to part, or offer to date other people. Chances are he’s got some undisclosed issues you haven’t considered. But talk to him immediately. This is real life real-time.

In other entertainment news: “Catfight breaks out on set of ‘School For Scoundrels 2.’ New Dr P – same tired plot, weak storyline.”

bumbler
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 05:10 pm: [report]

“SETTLE for an unattractive girl when I can date a real women of substance”

And that tells you of all the “substance” this guy can handle.  He’s the typical jerk who preys on the insecurity a lot of pretty girls have and can’t hold his own when one of them has her own opinion or a little backbone.  Says me, the former model, happily married to a man who is my partner not a substitute father figure.

Knitter79
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 07:41 pm: [report]

Getting back to the original question…
In all relationships the spark fades with time.  I’m not saying it won’t ever come back, but the loves that really last are the ones where friendship is the base.  Maybe you’re not ready for something serious so you are keeping him at a distance emotionally.

billythekid
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 07:54 pm: [report]

Yep it looks like another fat and/or fugster is claiming to be a model. Sorry, but I don’t date “large and lovelies”. But I’m sure acting like a crazy bitch is something your poor husband must agree to validate while he blinks his eyes “help me” in hostage-ese. LOL

It’s always the fuglies that hate on the hot women. Typical.

bumbler
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 08:06 pm: [report]

Does your hatred of women stem from problems with your mother?  Not hugged enough as a child?  Rejected too many times?  You should really seek psychological help.  Your desperation is showing.

Jessalyn
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 08:19 pm: [report]

@retro chic: “It only matters if he’s amazing to you.” Exactly. It doesn’t matter how great anyone else thinks he is - if you don’t feel what you need to with him, if some part of you just doesn’t think it feels right, then it isn’t right. It’s frustrating, but in the long run you’ll both be happier.

billythekid
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 10:16 pm: [report]

@bumbler: it’s okay. I’ve dealt with fugly bitter women like you. The best response is to just pat you on the head and let you know that your hatred of men is going to get you far in your delusional life. Run along now before you’re late for your angry feminist club.

@C.Munro: I know it’s difficult for you to comprehend common sense, so let me help you out. There were and are men out there who are able to talk to and attract women before the so-called “Seduction Community” even existed. And since you say you know what to do with a woman, I guess by your own failed logic, that makes you a Seduction Community idiot? You make a lot of sense.

You talk about insulting people and then you act like a childish bitch and throw insults at me? And you have the audacity to accuse me of insulting you? wow, you are a childish little girl. You sound more ridiculous by the second. But by all means, keep whining like a little girl if it makes you feel relevant.

Unlike you, I’m not here to join the cheerleader team and give out blowjobs. I’m sorry you feel like you’re still trapped in a high school popularity contest. But believe it or not, once you become an adult, you stop caring about impressing little kids like yourself and you start worrying about what is actually helpful in the long run.

Yeah. you’re about as smart and sexy as the dildo you have cooling in the fridge. Keep on trucking, Tiger! LOL

Kate134
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 10:29 pm: [report]

@ billy the kid: if you’re SO popular with the ladies why are you home at 11pm on a friday night?

Looks like somebody can’t “control his woman”.

bumbler
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 10:30 pm: [report]

Gay and fat jokes, seems like we’re already scraping the bottom of the barrel.  Isn’t this the same troll that always starts out with these kind of rants and then devolves into the page long posts of repeated “You’re a fat fugly #&@$%.  Go on swilling my jizz, cum dumpster”?  Really wish we could ban on ip addresses so we don’t have the same boring trolls back over and over again.  It’s too much to hope that they will find something better to do with their time than try and antagonize a blog.

Sofjna
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:31 pm: [report]

*DON’T FEED THE TROLLS*

If you keep feeding them, they’ll just come back hungry for more.

Gage
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 01:32 am: [report]

Wasn’t it Shakespere who said something along the lines of “Passion is a candle burning at both ends~?

Instantaneous spark may have beauty in the here and now, but a slow burn is what will truly put you to your tests as a person and reap you the most reward. Your candle will still be lit long after everyone madly in lust in a puddle of melted wax.

Of course, a metaphorical candle is useless without any flame to light it, so if there is truly nothing there, don’t waste your time, or his.

However, judging by the fact that you daydream about him, I think you simply have yet to find the part of him that kindles your flame. You might simply be using the wrong end of the match.

Ugh, these metaphors are getting ridiculous…

Gage
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 01:36 am: [report]

One more observation: you said he’s a break from your usual string of cheaters and abusers and general a-holes. Perhaps the sudden change has left youba bit wary, in the sense of thinking “too much of a good thing” while your friends, who maybe haven’t had such a bad luck streak, see just “a good thing”?

Gage
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 01:48 am: [report]

Also, for the whole troll conversation, it seems quite a few of you are basing so called expertise on having dated a multitude of people. Maybe i’m missing the point to the whole dating thing, but isn’t it supposed to be trying to find your perfect mate through quality time with another person, over a long period, to find out if you truly are for each other or not? This idea of scattershot, rapid fire burn through partners approach seems questionable, at best. I think I would more readily take advice from someone in a relationship for 3 years that turned out in friendship than listen to someone list off how many people they’ve managed to deem not suitable in the past week…

skywalk
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 03:52 am: [report]

@Gage: I’m in the bar business so I see a lot of people some are coupled and some are not!  I think some people are more suitable for relationships the others.  I have good (just maybe a little bit crazy, IDN) friends I wouldn’t set up with my worst enemy.  Then there are other people I just don’t get why? they have not found a partner.  (I’m talking hot, smart, funny) maybe not all at once but sometimes and I just don’t get it.  I’ve been in a 10+ year relationship and before this one I barely made it to the 6 mos mark before I was bored and moving on, so I don’t give relationship advice except always be yourself, and never try to be anything else or sacrifice yourself (there are always small sacrifices) and I think you will be happy.  But I can tell you that some people just can’t be in a relationships!!  How does this relate to this article?  I just don’t know why some people (seems like all that and a bag of Doritos) just will never mate up?  Or at least healthily!!

billythekid
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 06:38 am: [report]

@Kate134: I’m sorry it must be difficult for you to follow a conversation and figure out what adults mean when they have a relationship. You run along now and go spin the propeller on your beanie.

@bumbler: I know it must be difficult for someone as dumb as you to constantly be having to keep up with the others. But you keep at it. Maybe someday you’ll feel relevant enough that you won’t have to explode like an incoherent bitch at the slightest whim. LOL. And don’t forget to take your meds little incoherent girl

@gage: Obviously you are missing the point because your incoherent nonsensical attempt at making a point may apply to your own shallow dating strategy. But what that has to do with the price of tea in China, I have no idea.

You kids really need to stay on your meds. The adults are having a tough time as it is trying to decipher your nonsense.

writergirl
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 07:01 am: [report]

You like the idea of him, but you aren’t ready for him.

Gage
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 09:02 am: [report]

My dating experience is shallow, yes. I’ve had only 4 partners, the longest relationship out of the 4 coming out to a little over 2 years, but I hardly see how my dating expertise, or lack there of, is in question.

It seems to me that you are grasping for straws, making up things to ridicule in myself and these other people to elevate your own ego in some twisted way in a place that you can do so anonimously, where you do not suffer the worry of a hard stare withering your pathetic comebacks before you can force them from your putrid throat.

I’m perfectly fine with my lack of dates and the life I live. What must you find so wrong with yourself when you must drag yourself from bed to face a world full of real challenges you must be unable to conquer, to the point that you have to result to making fun of commentors in a dating advice blog to give yourself some illusion of superiority above anything, is beyond my imagination.

Now good day, sir.

LunaLena
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 09:23 am: [report]

billythekid, you certainly live up to your name.  Would you like a lollipop?

C.Munro
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]

@Gage:  I think you bring up a good point.  My own view is that a variety of dating experiences can be a valuable thing, but by variety I don’t necessarily mean a large number of people.  We’ve all heard the old saw about learning from our mistakes, right? 

I think there’s far more to it than just being successful at hookups.  Our failures are just as important.  Having your heart broken, breaking someone else’s, getting stuck in the friend zone, falling madly in love, finding relationships that last, and those that don’t, breaking up, making up, hooking up ... all of these can be worthwhile experiences in the dating world, even if they’re not always fun. 

And I don’t think anyone can offer advice; just their own perspective.  In the end, we make our own decisions and live with them as well as we can. 

But that’s just my take on it.

majicksand
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 10:30 am: [report]

Justine, I think you’re just not ready to settle down.  This guy sounds like the kind of guy that you contemplate “forever” with and maybe you’re just not ready for that. 

I met my husband when I was 18.  He pursued me relentlessly for 6 months without any real response or encouragement.  Finally I agreed to go out with him.  We were together for a year and a half, during which time we had a child together, then went our separate ways.  We had sporadic contact over the years and felt drawn to each other a couple of times, but nothing ever came of it. 

Fast forward 15 years.  We began seeing each other regularly as co-parents to discuss issues regarding our now teenaged son.  There was no thought in either of our minds of a reunion.  Over the course of a few months, we rekindled a true friendship outside of our parenting duties but still no real spark.  As we got closer and spent more time together, however, the more time we wanted to spend together.  One night, out of the blue, he kissed me.  That was it.  We were ready.  A year later, we were married, and we’ve never been happier.

Justine, if you aren’t ready for “forever”, you just aren’t ready.  That’s ok.  Maybe this guy will show back up years from now when you are ready, or maybe it will be someone else entirely.  Don’t beat yourself up for whatever lifestage you’re in now.  I would suggest trying to avoid the cycle of “losers” though, spark or no spark.

billythekid
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]

Luna, I’m sure that butch haircut is affecting your ability to speak coherently. But it’s still cute

And as to gage’s point, that sounds like failure trying to justify itself. There’s a difference between learning from one’s failures and failing BECAUSE you haven’t learned anything. So to say you can’t offer someone any advice is just an admission of your own failure. Not a remedy. Under such a ridiculous standard, a successful mechanic could never advise you about fixing a car and a successful doctor could never advise you about healing.

Lastly, this girl having the problem isn’t going to fix the problem by avoiding “losers” if she herself is a loser. This is the reason why she keeps picking losers in the first place. She needs to change her own approach before she’s going to have any success. But that’s just my professional 2 cents.

bettyboo
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 02:22 pm: [report]

I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this already (for some reason all the comments on this site now have the last few letters clipped off the right hand side for me and I can’t be bothered to try and work out what’s missing on them all) but it sounds like you’re missing the chemical attraction with him.  In short, he just doesn’t smell right.  We’re biologically rigged to subconsciously find the smell (pheromones etc) of people who are genetically dissimilar to ourselves in the genes that control immunity (the MHC region) more attractive.  The reason for this is that this gives any potential offspring the widest pool of variation to use for producing antibodies to pathogenic bacteria and virus’s thus making them healthier and more likely to survive into adulthood and pass the genes on again.  If you share too many identical/similar alleles (an allele is a version of a gene) then you won’t find that person so instinctively attractive even if they’re otherwise perfect.  It’s also a handy mechanism to stop inbreeding as sharing the same parents means you share 1/4 of the same genes so you’re too similar to find each other sexually attractive.

billythekid
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 03:01 pm: [report]

haha complete BS. When a guy steps up and learns how to be in charge, suddenly women find him attractive. I highly doubt he changed his DNA coding overnight. You all have a great one! I’m off to enjoy the sunshine!

bettyboo
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]

never said it was all there was too it.. ;0) you’re not gonna run off with a guy so outside your usual preferences just cos your MHC complex doesn’t match, but, all other things being equal you’re likely to find the guy who’s pheromones are more attractive to you more appealing..  Of course in real life it isn’t all equal, but I know I’ve had experiences where I don’t fancy the ‘perfect’ guy enough (i.e. I don’t want to jump him constantly), and am attracted to one I never thought I would be (after a rather unexpected kiss with someone I’d never thought of as more than a friend at the time) and I spent 6 years trying to find a replacement for the ‘wrong’ guy who I couldn’t resist (long story but he turned into the right guy in the end, and I still can’t resist him :0) ).  We might be all civilised but we’re still just animals with rather big brains and all the instinctive stuff is still there and working, we just don’t realise it most of the time.. :0)  My advice, lean in close and breathe him in and kiss him.  If there’s chemistry you’ll find out, if you’re still lukewarm you’re probably onto a loser..

John of Chicago
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 01:02 am: [report]

I’m not sure this would work, but its worth a try:

As a special favor in bed, ask the ‘perfect’ guy to get pissed off at you, then have sex with you while he’s pissed off at you.  (Treat it just like any other kinky bedroom request.)

- This may help him get that “edge” you need in the relationship, and teach him to treat you different. Not badly, just more the way you want to be treated.

It’s probably easier to teach a kind, hardworking, successful man to be edgy than it is to teach an edgy man to be kind, hardworking and successful.

John of Chicago
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 01:11 am: [report]

Note: “Ask” him to get pissed off at you.  Don’t try piss him off yourself - you’ll just hurt him and your relationship.

billythekid
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 04:40 am: [report]

This ridiculous phermone theory is reason why people fall for those Axe body spray commercials. They are just bunk disguised as pseudo-science. Girls don’t fall for great guys on paper because they are ONLY great on paper. If they don’t know how to take charge of a woman, they ultimately remain unattractive.

MsNeche
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 10:52 pm: [report]

Ok there was Q. I met him 7 years before I met my ex. He was closer to my age but still older. Taller (6.4) handsome as hell with freckles, ambitious, followed his dreams as well as held down a steady paycheck. Focused, huge…., strong sex drive and as much as a horn dog as I was. I did not have sex with him until my ex who is a sexually repressed, uptight, cheap ass who is mad at the world, made me mad. I only wanted him because I knew he wanted me. He was the man every woman wanted. I wanted to like him more, but I didn’t. Nor did I force myself to because he possessed what is ideal for everyone else. I listened to my self and my Princess. Then I realized months later, he had girlfriends all the time he was pursuing me… he was a cheater. Now John may not be a cheater he may be “that guy” but that doesn’t make him your guy. Enjoy it while it lasts but don’t lead him to believe he has a long-term chance, just have fun.

There is a guy I like now that I am single, He’s again closer to my age than my ex. Extremely hot, big um er hands, and has stamina…2 hours WTF!!!! He’s studying for his CPA exam which is my career path, he’s got a great body, and nice, respectful, and sexy with glasses (I have this Superman fantasy about him) mostly he’s just a catch but I’m not the one to catch him. I’m just enjoying him. Oh and get this he live 2 minutes from me.

esmee
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 07:12 am: [report]

they say that sparks and fireworks aren’t necessary for a healthy long-term relationship but let’s face it without them, relationships are pretty dull.

I think there has to be enough sexual chemistry to keep you going through the dull times personally…yes you can learn to love and care about someone deeply but, isn’t that kind of settling?

angel001717
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:31 am: [report]

i REALLY want to read all these comments. but i dont have the time. i just wanted to say that this post could not have come at a better time. i just made the decision to stop seeing a great guy because i felt no chemistry. it was hard. and i felt and still feel guilty for not wanting the first decent guy who actually likes me. but i decided that i want and deserve to have a fullfilling (sp?) relationship. as does he.

Loves2Spooge
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]

It’s all about chemistry:

hot + smart + successful - spark—-> not the right guy for you

Break it off with “John” before you lead him on any further.  Though he is a warm, nice guy, that doesn’t mean he deserves to wait around forever while you make up your mind and perfectly good women, who may have a spark with John, pass him by.

Colleen
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]

This has happened to me way more than once. Stay friends with him if you can. But one thing you cannot do is lead him on any longer. You can’t be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I did it for 3 years once. Not a good idea for either of you.

I am now have a happy family me my boyfriend and our fur-baby in our new house we bought this year. I wasn’t looking for him when we met. But when it’s right (people say this all the time and it’s so cliche but here i go) you know.

There needs to be a spark.

Shewolf68
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 05:36 pm: [report]

Billythekid…so aptly named, I can’t help but giggle!

btw…billymanchild…you don’t have to date a woman to know what she wants…sleeping with us doesn’t unlock the secrets either. Sounds like you are mostly stuck in the archetypal contruct of the classic gender roles each one should play. There is nothing more sexy than to have an attractive, sexy confident guy let me take the reins occasionally.

you may be attractive and sexy…but I am not sensing any true confidence. I certainly smell a whiff of misogyny though.

Ladies and other gents…do you smell that too?

Shewolf68
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 05:49 pm: [report]

billy…you need a timeout! your constant use of the word bitch, when discussing women, with women, you display such a sad level of hostel neanderthal thinking…makes you really quite transparent. and your points become dust in the wind.

also…when one who must constantly reinforce to others how successful he is with women, dating, and being the dominant party in a relationship, usually doesn’t really have much to brag about.

Who taught you all this? your daddy?

DancingGeek
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 04:29 pm: [report]

OMG I’d like to meet the man who thinks he can control me! (oh wait married him, divorced him!) Never gonna happen. If it means I’m single forever, then I’ll be happily single forever.

DancingGeek
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 04:32 pm: [report]

But about the article, if he doesn’t do it for you, then he doesn’t do it for you. It’s perfectly OK the let a great guy get away- there will be others!!

develange
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 09:51 pm: [report]

ew, why is the troll back?

I agree that many women are attracted to a man who is confident and a little mysterious. But nothing written has implied that John is clingy or boring. Either way, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You’ll find someone else that you’ll want to jump on top of. Some other woman out thre will want to jump on top of John.

I’m sure no normal woman is attracted to a guy who would ever say any of the #&@$% Billythekid is saying. Ohh, except all the “models.”

sorry, i fed the troll.

Kate134
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]

@shewolf58: I smelled the “saw his mom get abused by his father and step-father” smell a week ago. He smells like damaged goods and unresolved mommy issues.

Kiki T
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 09:42 am: [report]

Get out! The longer you stay, the more emotionally attached you get and for a women, it’ll just blur your mind. Don’t settle, it’ll lead you to question other parts of your life if you do. It starts with one foundation of your life and it can spread to others—believe you can have everything!!!!

As I totally believe, if you want to live an extraordinary life, you have to make extraordinary decisions!!!!

equnsuocha
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 05:22 pm: [report]

I would just like to comment on BTK, First of all your pseudonym has the same initials as a serial killer, secondly, your nom de lume also speaks volumes about you, the fact that you are a child. 

To the rest of the board:
Ignore this moron, I smell a troll. I suspect he has been booted from his Magic the Gathering forums and is looking for a new home.  Ignore his childish attempt to get a rise from you with his outlandish lies about his “happy penis”.  I am not saying his penis isnt happy because seeing the inside of the same pair of under- roos for days on end while being vigorously pumped over and over again due to his owner’s love and addiction to Yu-Gi-Oh (sp?) porn, may actually be something his penis enjoys, but I can bet you that it has never seen a real woman aside from his mommy and that if he were to come across a real women she would run screaming from his over developed dominant arm, and his pale mole like face.

My man is in control of himself and his place in our relationship as am I and we SUPPORT each other.  Thats how the big kids are doin’ it these days.

Moron.

Green_Viking
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 04:49 pm: [report]

Listen to @Canadiancutie & @Bettyboo for sure. If you are on the Pill, that can change things and the MHC angle is not to be taken lightly.

On the other hand, if you start rolling around together, holding hands a lot and spending lots of time flesh to flesh, even without massive orgasms you will begin to bond. Hugging and foreplay release large amounts of oxytocin as well as orgasms. Other things can come into play… A good partnership can be made over time, it is true…

However, I would still break up with the guy if I were you and find someone who makes you want to ovulate. Your still in college, now is not the time for you to be taking the “make it work” route.

*Boots BTK into the North Sea, with a bloody steak around his neck*

floridaguyintx
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 04:01 pm: [report]

From Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 5, Episode 3 - “The Replacement’

Riley: When I’m around her I feel like I’ve been split in two. Half of me is on fire, wanting to touch her while the other half is perfectly still, peaceful. Perfectly content. Like I’ve found the one.

But she doesn’t love me.

I know how that feels. I have been ‘in love’ with ‘Susan’ for 9 years now.

We dated briefly 9 years ago but she was newly divorced and ‘not ready’.

She have gotten married and divorced—I was engaged and called it off. Whenever she is single she calls me. We are the best of friends. Respect each other, love each other, support each other, call each other every day.

But, she hasn’t fallen in love with me. And, she never will.

I ask my buddies ‘What kind of relationship are you more likely to stay in – being in love with someone that’s just not into you, or having someone in love with you who you’re just not into.’

The girls choose the latter – the guys the former.

What do you think???

“Unrequited love is the only form of romantic love”

RobinUncommon
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 04:46 pm: [report]

If you’re just not that into him, there is no point in settling. Life is a one way trip. You HAVE to make the most of it. Besides, you’re cheating this “amazing” man out of what could be genuine, requited love.

Be brave and hold out for your true love…

Sid Driver
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]

Comparing John to my past flings of cheaters, liars and general d-bags, he fairs like a golden god.

I think that’s the main issue right there. You obviously felt that attraction with those past guys for a reason that does not exist with “John”.