Girl Talk: Jilted But Not (Majorly) Bitter
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Tuesday June 2nd 2009
After my engagement ended, my tolerance for weddings was low. Very low. That first week spent on my couch in pure misery saw me turning my eyes away from any and all wedding references. The wedding book I was given by my almost-mother-in-law got hidden in the back of my closet, along with our engagement party invitations and, of course, my engagement ring (now out of sight in a locked safety deposit box!). Anything of a romantic nature in pop culture repulsed me, and for awhile all I watched was the news. It was depressing, just like me!
Eventually, the sadness began lift and I was able to enjoy crappy television, movies, and chick lit as much as I had before my breakup. Sometimes, I find myself tearing up over romantic nonsense. This weekend, I sobbed during “He’s Just Not That Into You,” when Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Aniston. The look on his face—yeah, I know Affleck isn’t the world’s greatest actor, but I was moved—reminded me of the look my ex had on his face when he proposed to me. While he eventually claimed that he had cold feet about our relationship before he proposed, that look always reminds me that his intentions were true in the moment he asked. Unfortunately, that look also made it hard to move on and accept things were over; and when I finally did accept it, I wondered if I would ever trust that look from someone else.
What my broken engagement hasn’t done is make me bitter about other people’s happiness. I genuinely look forward to the day my friends start getting married. I have lots of cute dresses I’d like to wear to their weddings, and effing a groomsman is a cliche I’d like to partake in! Though I’m not sure if I will end up getting married, I don’t think “marriage is bulls**t,” nor do I mock excited brides or act as though those who are married should be pitied. Two of my closest friends have really lovely marriages. I envied their happiness before they tied the knot, I envy it now, and I’m supremely happy for both of them.
My broken engagement has, however, made me a little bitter about engagements. Supposedly, getting engaged is the last stop before ULTIMATE COMMITMENT-VILLE. When a man proposes, we’re told, he’s promising to make an even more iron-clad commitment to you and your relationship than he had when the two of you were just BF/GF. When you’re engaged, aren’t you supposed to feel even more secure in the security of your secure relationship?
I didn’t think I could feel more secure in my relationship. And then we got engaged, and, lo and behold, I did. I was now 1000 percent sure what we had couldn’t be broken. And then suddenly it was over. If anything, our engagement made our relationship less secure, because it brought out his fears and insecurities about what such a “permanent” commitment would mean. But even without an engagement, the longer our relationship had lasted, the greater the likelihood those fears and insecurities would have rise to the surface.
I have a few friends who are in long-term relationships and are getting the itch for a proposal. One friend has said that getting engaged—“puttin’ a ring on it” as Beyonce might say—would give her that extra little bit she needs to feel secure in her relationship. Her boyfriend travels a lot for work, and I think she worries, as people are prone to do, that he might stray. She seems to think having a ring on her finger would alleviate that worry.
I have refrained from snapping at her to remember her audience. The last person to talk to about the “security of having a ring” is the girl who had a ring and then got dumped.
What I do tell her is that your relationship is secure or it’s not. A ring makes it no more or no less secure. Being engaged can be romantic, wonderful, and exciting. Scary and anxiety-causing? Sure. But secure? No. A ring is just window dressing. What’s behind it is either quality, or it’s not, or it’s somewhere in between and it’s up to the two of you—not a piece of jewelry—to make the most of it.
Need more wedding-related advice? Check out our Wedding Survival Guide!
[Photo: iStockphoto]
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]
very poignant and well written piece. I agree whole heartedly that the itch to have a man propose or to be engaged in general should not be to ensure a sense of commitment or feeling of security, not like a binding legal contract prohibits the other half from changing their mind or cheating. As a man who was previously engaged, having ended the situation mutually and on good terms, I find the sentiment from the piece to be especially true. I am not bitter towards others happiness or good fortune but I also know, from watching others, that an engagement should not need to be “hinted at” or served up as an ultimatum by either side, man or woman. That only works to alienate the other person or sow a seed of resentment that will one day present itself again. Those who are engaged and it blossoms into marriage, they are lucky to have it do so. Some become engaged thinking it is the end all be all and that is a dangerous way to perceive such an undertaking in my opinion.
40yrolddad
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]
“A ring makes it no more or no less secure”
neither does 20 yrs of marriage (not speaking personally - we’re only at 13) - people cheat, come out, turn out to be serial killers, etc at all stages of life. security is an illusion - the best you can hope for is trust…
you are a talented writer and brave person! I won’t BS/patronize you and promise you’ll have a happy ending because you’re a good person (though it IS more likely than not) but you obviously have a lot going for you!
writergirl
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
40yrolddad is right. Rings and papers don’t secure the relationship—but trust and committment does.
If your girlfriend is worried that he’s cheating on her when he travels, then there is something wrong in that relationship to start with. Either he does cheat on her, or she has an extreme lack of self-confidence. My husband, now and even before we were married, traveled all over the world. We’ve lived apart for months on end. Never ONCE did I even consider the thought he was cheating on me. And he could of and I would be none the wiser. It simply wasn’t something I even thought about because I knew him better—trusted him to be better—than that.
The rings and paperwork didn’t secure that feeling—it was there to start.
If it isn’t there for her now, it won’t be after he proposes, after they are married or anytime thereafter.
Naneenya
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
The feeling and anxiety of “he may cheat” doesn’t mean there are problems in the relationship. Likewise, being perfectly happy and trusting in a relationship doesn’t mean people wont cheat. One does not equal the other. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be ‘that girl’ - the one that worries ‘ol boy may stray when he goes away. But, that’s because I was blissfully happy in a relationship with someone who was unfaithful. I used to say “How could you not know he was cheating?” to others, and now, I understand. I did not know.
As a member of the “Jilted” club, I can attest to the stomach-turning wedding talk. After I didn’t get married, I wanted nothing to do with weddings. No wedding talk, no magazines, no WE TV. In fact, when a friend casually stated “Since you’re not getting married now, does that mean you’ll be coming to my wedding?” (ours were 1 week apart) I replied, “Nope!”
Though, weeks later, when a nicer friend allowed me to demote from bridesmaid to program-hander-outer, I greeted people, smiled, and handed out programs in support of their wedding. Did I want to be around white lace, roses, and crying moms? Ha, NO! But, friendship mattered more than my wedding repulsion. She was there for me when I needed her, and I was there for her -
As far as the ring equaling security? Pssh. While it may help some properly identify themselves with each other, it doesn’t really mean anything extra. Engagements are broken all the time. And the sad thing, is that it happens more often than people realize.
Though, in some states, an engagement (a promise of marriage represented by giving a ring) is a binding contract. For example, I had the opportunity to sue the ex-fi for “Breach of Promise” because financial losses were incurred.
MissJennLynn
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 12:59 pm: [report]
My father traveled throughout my childhood and he DID stray, several times in fact. My parents divorced after 27 years of marriage. Although I KNOW my boyfriend is trust-worthy, I have issues when he travels with work. After all, anything is possible, and if my own father can destroy our family like he did, what is stopping my boyfriend? I have to bite my tongue every time my bf leaves, because I know that my worries would drive us apart…
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]
I agree MissJenn and while I think it is important to feel secure in your own relationship, be it from a male or female point of view, letting past experiences influence how you act in a current one in a suspicious or negative way will only serve to drive a wedge between two people. I never personally understood why some people snoop through a partners phone and use the excuse, you are my bf/gf so I want to see who you are calling or “my last relationship cheated so I am just curious”. I know this is most likely a juvenile circumstance that every mature adult doesnt run across but I think anything bordering on questioning or not trusting a partner for such reasons as you mentioned will only hurt and not help.
pornqueen
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 02:16 pm: [report]
An engagement or marriage does not secure any relationship. After being married 15 years, the “cycle” as I call end ended. I have decided that I will not re-marry again. Not that I’m bitter but I now know that a ring does not make a person or a couple. I’m not saying I’m banning men out my life for good (God no!) but I’ll be perfectly happy not marrying again or getting engaged. I feel like “been there done that”. As the writer stated, I’m always happy for my friends getting engaged, I cry at weddings and actually enjoy watching couples grow old together. I just don’t think I’m cut up for that. And I’m perfectly ok with that.
Keesh Mia
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 07:23 am: [report]
I would feel more secure if a person has declared his life to be with me from here and on. It’s like a person you can depend on. It’s similar to working as a permalancer and being a permenant full-time. You can get fired/laid off in both positions but don’t tell me we don’t feel more secure in our jobs as a premenant full-time.
I know there is all these talk of a piece of paper and all but it’s the vow. It’s the vow of I will be there for you no matter what and we will be together through the sucky times and the good times (although always more sucky times). Call me a sucker or a romantic but ya all would be dishonest if you don’t wish that some time - “Just have the someone who wants to only be with you and declares it.”
theoldman
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
Amelia well said. A ring is merely a token not the real deal.
@MissJennlynn you are on the edge of a double edged sword. Going down either side is deadly. If you continue to internalize your fears you will cause yourself considerable emotional pain. If you give voice to those fears with out him understanding where you come form you will drive him away. You should both go to couples counseling. You to learn how to deal with your fears, your boy friend to gain understanding of what makes this happen. It swill give you a safe way to express your fears without him feeling threatened. Just tell him you have fears he needs to understand how to work with you on. He will either come though like a champ or bailout. If he bails out better now than later.
hereshestands
wrote on June 7 2009 @ 01:56 am: [report]
What a brilliant article Amelia. You give us all such an insight into yourself on here. I feel safe in my relationship and of course he could stray but I trust him not too. But as soon as that trust was gone I’d be out of there. And he knows that. I don’t think that feeling would change with engagement. Anyone can cheat even after 30 years of marriage.