Girl Talk: Is This What Happiness Feels Like?
Posted by: Leonora Epstein
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Thursday October 1st 2009
At 13, it was being the odd kid and Zoloft. At 16, dark self-loathing and Prozac. My 17th birthday brought parental issues and Celexa, while my 19th pushed me to anorexia and Prozac again. My early 20s: failed relationships, Effexor, Ativan, fear of getting nowhere, issues at work, and Lexapro. Long story short: I’ve never been a happy camper. True, depression does run in my family, but being diagnosed with it so young, it’s come to be something that’s part of my personality.
Sometimes feeling sad would make sense because it would force me into isolation. There, I could concentrate on writing. Even if I wasn’t very good at it, the time spent and the mindset it put me in seemed worth something. There have even been times that I’ve been thankful for my depression, knowing that years of therapy have taught me how to look at people and situations differently. (Although I’ve come to realize that having psychological epiphanies doesn’t change scenarios, relationships, or how you feel.)
As a result of all this, I’ve largely lived my life in the future—either fantasizing about the next life transition that will finally make me the fabulous person I’m meant to be, or visualizing a lifestyle a few years down the road that doesn’t involve antidepressants. Unsurprisingly, this often means crushing disappointment when the transition arrives and doesn’t live up to my Disneyland standards, as well as meds freak-outs that prompt me to go cold turkey, only to desperately return to them a few months later.
What I want to write now is something like … and then something changed, but that’s not quite right. There was no huge light switch or magical day when I woke up to birds singing. What actually happened was this: I got bored and gave in. I began Wellbutrin about a year ago, and when it seemed to be working a bit, I didn’t say, “Well, now I can go off,” but rather, “You might be on this drug for the rest of your life, so you should just shut up and stop reading ladymag articles about how it may make you fat or infertile.” In my head, I let some aspirations go, and stopped agonizing over the disappointment in vanilla days where nothing eventful happened and I just went through the motions.
It began to feel peaceful inside when I expected less of myself—and of my depression.
In turn, I did end up completely changing my life, but slowly this time. The lack of self-obsession made the world seem less serious, and so I started doing the things I wanted to do: I left my job, and I moved an ocean away from everything, to France. Because, why not?
Weirdly, when I turned my life upside-down like this, I expected my traditional sadness and issues of loneliness to set in. Even warnings came from my friends and family: “You know, those first few months are going to be really hard, and you’ll want to give up, but you have to ride through it! You’re finally doing something for yourself, and from your heart. Don’t self-sabotage.” I agreed with them. But when a few weeks into things, I didn’t experience those feelings, I became confused. Where was the anxiety and stress about my future? Why wasn’t I freaking out about something, goddammit?
Could I actually be happy? I thought to myself one day. Let’s see … these days I don’t think I’m gorgeous, but I don’t feel ugly either. I’m content with where I am professionally, and haven’t felt guilty about not doing more. I don’t have a boyfriend, but then again, do I really want one?
So, yes, for the first time in my life, I’m happy. Very happy. I wake up knowing that where I am in life is a great place to be, and I want to enjoy everything about it, rather than sulk in a corner. The biggest difference is that I want to feel this way, and learn how to keep the ball rolling for as long as possible.
Yet, I must admit the newness of being happy is a weird feeling. At times, I’m not quite sure how to handle it, because it certainly has changed my habits. I almost feel guilty about not having issues to deal with. I’ve also realized that I need to come up with new conversation topics. The ones I used to use with my girlfriends no longer seem relevant. (“Why is there no love in my life?”; “Why am I so stressed all the time?”; “Ugh … my day was so awful, let me detail every sucky second …”).
But, I guess that if being happy is now my biggest issue to deal with, then I might actually get to know who I am. And maybe like who that is.
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heythere
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 11:09 am: [report]
Being content with yourself and where you are in life, is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Getting to know yourself is the key ingredient now to finding what you are looking for, even if you don’t know what that is. Then, and maybe then, when you know who you are, and you are happy with that, can you allow someone to come into your life, and make it just a little more exciting. Great article.
shan1221
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]
wow this really sounds like my life…ive been on and off lexapro, thinking i could do it on my own…but no that made things worse. i hope everything turns out good like your life is…bc right now i feel it can’t get lower, but i still think one day i will be happy.
H. Blue
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
I have always avoided medication, but I came to a realization about 6 years ago, that I have spent most of my life depressed. I’ve worked very hard over the past three years or so to make my life better, and it’s working! I, too, am feeling really content lately. It’s a weird feeling- I almost don’t trust it, because I’m not used to it. It’s like I’m afraid the feeling will abandon me. At the same time, I’m riding the wave. It’s good to be happy. I’m glad you’re there too.
MissChaotic
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
I like this. Glad to see others who suffer mood disorders starting to write. I have my blog (http://depthinsolace.wordpress.com), that is similar, but instead documenting my day to day struggles. But yea, kudos for the post and congrats on being happy! I’m really happy for you!
lexi
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]
I can totally relate. On/off meds for 8 years and then realizing one day that I was actually happy. It’s a weird feeling but also somewhat empowering, I think.
bogart4017
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
I’ve been on and off Lexapro for years. Its much better when i’m not in therapy. I feel like im talking and talking and no one is listening because theres really nothing to be sad about, blahblahblah.I still get that blue feeling so i always keep Lexapro around but its not as frequent i feel because i kicked therapy and cut a lot of toxic people out of my life.
Its nice to know i’m not alone.
angelspinning
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
Wonderful post. I still haven’t found my way quite yet, but I’m glad that you have and so I think I will, too, someday
AjSeven
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]
First off let me say that I am well aware that everything I am going to say sounds cliché but it’s all true in my case. I was diagnosed as bipolar at the age of 10…yes 10. Because it ran in my family, it seemed a logical diagnosis given my up and down mood swings and erratic behavior. So I went from Lithium, to Naproxen to god knows what else in an effort to control my feelings. Yet every medication just made me feel more useless. I was honestly at the lowest point in my life after a series of events that culminated in my grandfather’s nervous breakdown, my mother waking up one morning not being able to see anymore, and my father’s loss with pancreatic cancer. I was 21.
I walked into a 40 minute class- just wanting it to be over before even beginning. The class was World Religions and the topic that day was Buddhism. I kid not; it was in that class that I finally figured things out. Prof. Aiken spoke,”& so Buddhists believe all suffering comes from our own desires. We suffer because we desire our circumstances to be different. So if we eliminate all desire we may eliminate all suffering”. Honestly I felt as if the statement was directed towards me. As childish as it sounds I realized that life was never going to be easy, things would not always turn out as planned, and above all else that happiness was never going to exist for me if I couldn’t learn to accept myself. So I dropped the pursuit of society’s definition of beauty, and realized that I needed to get to know and understand myself. So I did. It wasn’t an overnight process by any means, but it was the wisest & most difficult thing I have ever done for myself. I went home after that class and wrote a journal entry that I still carry in my wallet, and anytime I feel inadequate or sorry for myself I read it as a reminder that human beings are happiest when they are able to change, adapt, learn and grow. Uncontrollable circumstances call for adaptation. From that adaptation comes a lesson (if you’re lucky enough to recognize it) from that lesson comes growth and from that growth comes profound change.
In any event I no longer need to be on medication, & no I’m not Buddhist now…just happy…finally. I see quite a few posts of people that may be able to relate, so to you I wish that you find what I have found, and learn to love and accept yourselves, and all those uncontrollable circumstances.
thierry3
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]
Sounds like my life too minus the drugs—I have lived in 4 cities in 6 years all in the pursuit of happiness. Though I still want to move I feel good—I think in part it has to do with age and being less anxious.
sunrise
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 01:47 pm: [report]
This was a really good article, thank you. i went on lexapro when I was 14, then switched to prozac when i was 16 or 17 because lexapro had too short of a half life and if i forgot to take it for a day or two, i’d have major emotional breakdowns. prozac helped me for awhile, but then i decided that i wanted to make a go of it on my own ( i was 18) ... one thing that a lot of people don’t realize about anti-depressants is that you need to wean yourself off of them VERY slowly. going too quickly can cause a major case of rebound depression, which can be worse that how you felt before you went on them. when i decided to stop, it took me about over 6 months to taper from 30mg/day down to zero… and even then i dealt on and off with some major depression for maybe a year afterwards. one thing that helped was knowing it was a side effect of the medication and would eventually be gone, it wasnt just me. thankfully, things are a lot better now
.
shan1221
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]
wow reading all these comments makes me feel at ease knowing that there are people just like me! I mean you always know there are, but to see it written just helps. i love lexapro! ha
Lauren Fritsky
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]
I like your last part about coming up with new conversation topics with friends. Change of any nature changes your relationships with those around you, and it’s hard to stop relying on old behavior.
Being in France will probably help you test out this new state of mind that’s emerging in a very good way, because you are away from the usual people in your life and can be whoever you want without people questioning it so much. Good luck to you.
cloudspotting
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
I can definitely relate. I love the bursts of artistic creativity I get from those periods of depression where I can just really focus in on art or writing. However, I’ve found out it’s not the best idea to stay there for long because dwelling on those dark periods prevents me from letting go of myself and other thoughts. I’m proud to say that I’m very happy being on Effexor, despite what others have told me about anti-depressives.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 03:20 pm: [report]
While I’ve never dealt with this, I wish you the best of luck and hope you continue to find happiness.
LaRosa
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 05:13 pm: [report]
Thank you for this article. I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia earlier this year (It’s very much like bipolar disorder, but tends to be less severe.) Mental illness is still a taboo, it’s always nice to read someone speaking out about it.
indiemamacita
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:24 pm: [report]
Congratulations!!! It’s a huge deal to get to where you are right now, and some people never make it.
whatshesays
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 12:09 am: [report]
Everyone has the bad days, but I always tended to express emotions more strongly than a lot of the people around me and was diagnosed with depression in middle school. I’ve been able to cope better with, well, life I suppose over the years and continue to improve. You couldn’t have expressed my feelings better. Live your life, girl!
EllaBee
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 12:12 am: [report]
Thank you so much for a very insightful article. I applaud you having the strength to pick up and make another life for yourself It takes guts for anyone, but for those that suffer from depression a move like that can exacerbate depression symptoms and can cause real set backs. I am so happy that you were able to persevere and come out a stronger more confident person. And to know what happy feels like. Both of my parents suffer from depression, as well as myself. I have spent the last 20 yrs on many different antidepressants - Prozac, Celexa, Effexor and Lexapro. And I have lived with tons of unpleasant side effects just because I never wanted to even walk close to the edge of that black pit of depression. For years, wild, vivid, movie-like, screaming nightmares played in my head each night while on Lexapro. My days were so good….....it was the night that terrified me. There was no telling who would be chasing me to the death when I closed my eyes at night - it was truly terrifying! This made me re-evaluate my need for meds. Good days…bad nights. So, I began the long process of weaning off which was stretched out over 5 months. Half way into the process, I knew that it was a bad idea. My days were going down hill and the nightmares were replaced by insomnia. After the five month mark all 3 of my grown children and my husband recognized that I was suffering and all admitted that I had given a good try but that being off the meds had not effected me in a positive way. I knew, I could tell. I was walking close to the edge of the dreaded black pit and it wasn’t going to take much for me to slip in. I have now been on Pristiq for 5 months. No nightmares!! And I am able to leave the house by myself and even work out at a gym 4 - 5 times a week. I am much healthier and happier and not in any hurry to be med free. That’s my story. Anyone else on Lexapro being chased by an axe-murderer or have other terrifying dreams? Maybe it was just me.
clearbluesky
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 06:14 am: [report]
Wow, fantastic story, I’m really, really happy for you! I hope this gives inspiration to other people who have had similar problems.
majicksand
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
I’m bi-polar. I tried several different medications in different combinations. I was on anti-depressants to keep me up, anti-psychotics to keep me down, and sleeping pills to counteract all of it. After numerous drug changes and having my meds increased to the highest legal doses of everything, still without results, I stopped the meds entirely.
Though I don’t suggest that route, it has worked well enough for me. I made serious life changes in order to make it work. I learned to recognize and adapt to my mood shifts. When I’m depressed, I make myself get up. When I’m hyper-manic (angry at everything and everyone for no reason), I only interact with others when necessary and keep it short. I try to avoid situations that make manic episodes worse. For instance, I rarely drink.
The hardest part was recognizing and purging the bad influences in my life. I had friends, whom I dearly loved, that just had to go. Their lifestyles are/were self-destructive, and I am too easily led astray. I had to take responsibility for my own actions, and part of that included surrounding myself with people who are on a positive path.
There are some people who are triggers for me that I can’t avoid. My mother is the worst. I love my mother, but our relationship is difficult at best. She’s a wonderful person, but she feels the need to push my buttons. I honestly believe she is bi-polar too, but she refuses to acknowledge it. It runs in my family, but my mother still views any form of mental illness as shameful. I thought I was the only one for years because she swore to me that there was no family history. It wasn’t until I confided in an uncle about my feelings of inadequacy and failure that I found out the truth. Most of my family is on medication for something.
I interact with my mother in short bursts and walk away if it starts to get ugly. I say goodbye and hang up the phone, or I walk out the door. I refuse to engage. There’s just no point in fighting a battle over nothing that no one can win.
It isn’t easy, and some days are disasterous, but usually I do fairly well. I believe the key is self-realization, whether you are medicated or not. I had to take control of my life. I acknowledge my struggle, I am aware of and avoid my triggers as much as possible, and I take responsibility when I screw up. A disorder is an explanation not an excuse. As difficult as it may be, I can control the illness. It does not have to control me.
Good luck to all of you who are fighting your own battle.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 09:36 am: [report]
Majick: Have you tried smoking pot?
retro chic
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]
Leonora, I think that is a powerful statement right there. I’ve had to deal with a couple friends and my step-sibs who experienced forms of diagnosed depression, BPD, etc. And in all their cases they came to that same conclusion – making the decision to not self-obsess opened their world up, lifting the burden. It took several years for each to get there, tho. All but one (who didn’t do meds) even went so far as to say that at some point in their years of emotional travails they felt their debilitating condition just becomes another form of narcissism, inventing the need for attention (not saying in your case), so their newfound outward focus changed everything. They didn’t move abroad, but have redirected their careers into service in the medical field.
Thanks for sharing your story, Leonora. When Jessica shared hers a while back, I should have been more supportive of her decision to be open about it with her (future) in-laws. Sorry, Jess! I getcha now.
@majicksand: coincidentally (like many families, I’m sure), my step-sibs had similar relationship dynamics with their mom; and healing that (as much as was in their power) actually gave a great push to their own mental healing. But it is understandable that isn’t always possible, and limiting/avoiding those influences needs to happen. Family dynamics can be like Kryptonite or the Bermuda Triangle of reason, that’s for sure.
In our case, their mother was diagnosed with the most deadly form of BC and they were grateful they had already made amends with her, or their own peace with themselves about her – not later when it would be done out of guilt as she declined. They felt that would have put them in a tailspin if they hadn’t. I actually knew the mom by sheer coincidence many years earlier, and she was no picnic, making the daughters’ journey to healing more evident to me.
Just one story if it helps anyone: Meds, outward focus, and improved family relationships; the latter two being as chemically powerful as the former.
majicksand
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]
Yeah, cheese, I have. I don’t care for it. I’m either a lump on the couch or completely manic. Either way I can’t afford to lose control like that. Bad things happen.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]
@majick: Eh, it was worth asking.
majicksand
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]
@cheese: I know people who swear by it for the calming effect and/or the focus. Especially musicians and artists. Unfortunately, mood altering substances tend to be a bad idea for people who already have difficulty mastering their moods. Believe me when I tell you that some days all I want is the freedom to lose control. I’ve just learned the hard way that the long-term consequences far outweigh the temporary benefits.
magenta generation
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 08:05 pm: [report]
Thank you Leonara, The Frisky staff and all who responded to this article. I had major depressive episodes since I was 8 years old but wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was 30.
A lot of my depression came from being a victim of child abuse which turned into a overall self loathing and absolutely no confidence in myself.
I’ve had two abusive relationships, one that ended in sexual assault that made me feel like nothing but a trash receptacle filled with all the #&@$%, filth and negativity in the world. Still I managed to get back into college and get great grades. It was during the end of my junior year, when my then a**hole boyfriend cheated and proceeded to dump me, is when everything went black.
I was an avid reader and writer, but in November of 2006 I notice a drastic change in my abilities. For instance, it took me 3 hrs. to read one page out a chapter of one of my college text books and an entire day to write one essay paragraph, I’M NOT KIDDING. I made it to the end of the semester passing all of my classes by the grace of God and spent the winter break in sheer hell not knowing I was having a nervous breakdown. All I can do is thank God that I did not go through my attempted suicide and I admitted myself into a psychiatric ward in January 2007. During my hospitalization I was officially diagnosed with MDD or Clinical Depression.
The summer of 2007 was probably one of the worst years of my life, I had to be readmitted to the psych ward when I told my therapist I held a knife to my wrist but didn’t cut myself because my dog came in my bedroom and laid across my lap until I put the knife down- I believe 100% that my dog knew I was going to commit suicide and made me stop to think about all the people who cared about me (I see my late dog as an angel because of this, when she passed from Leukemia in late 2007- I was devastated). In May of 2007 I became maniacally obsessed with a rock star and was having audio and visual hallucinations.
I spent the entire summer writing about how me and this rock star were soul mates meant to be together because we were lovers in a past life. It took A LOT OF WORK for me and my therapist to get to the root of this obsession: living vicariously through a fantasy because I was so irrefutably miserable with my own life and felt like I had somehow been cheated God. The truth I #&@$% hated life and people in general and that needed to change. I had to change!
I was on two antidepressants and one anti-psychotic for 2 years. I consistently worked on my self-esteem and low expectations of myself with a therapist and literally dug myself out of a pitch black well made with bricks of #&@$%.
I stopped playing the victim and took control of my emotions and circumstances- all the while building new friendships and getting rid of former, toxic friends. I realized how crazy I was for obsessing over a person I’ve never met and using that as a way to fill the void for my non-existent romantic life. It wasn’t until this year that I finally got over the horrible ex bf and decide that I don’t need to be in a relationship with a man to be content in my life- in fact I would prefer not to be in one right now, I want to be on my own. Alone but not lonely.
This realization freed me and I plan on taking it to the next level in 2010, that means moving to Cali and finally living my life, putting myself first and continuing to accomplish my goals ( getting my Master’s Degree)and doing some traveling abroad in between semesters.
I know, this is a long post but I had to share my story like all of you who responded. I am 100 times happier than I’ve ever been in my life and I don’t have a lot of money, no bf, no car or anything that signifies a successful status in this world. I simply adapted to my situation and choose to be happy. I stopped taking my meds in May- I’m elated and filled with joy because I’ve never felt better.
It may sound cliche but, I do not and will not ever take life for granted again.
metro_mello
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 10:31 pm: [report]
I understand Ive had depression since I was 10 ;( Like after i got councleing ive been much better but i still do get bouts of depression. I dont think it will ever go away. most of it started to get worse in the 6th grade when my friend got murdered. But when your mind starts pushing towards negative thoughts just think positive its not as hard as it seems and its very helpful :3
bumbler
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 10:39 pm: [report]
I’m so happy for everyone here who has overcome or is managing their depression. It’s not something I’ve ever had to struggle with but unfortunately I think my mother is beginning to have problems with it. She’s tired all the time, has trouble self-motivating, feelings of sadness, paranoia about small things. I think some of it may be situational; her mother is not doing so well, she’s had problems with my sister and father, works ridiculously long hours during tax time and has always had problems with mood during winter. I keep telling her to talk to her doctor but she doesn’t want to share with him, I guess she’s embarrassed. I currently live in So. FL while she’s still in NJ so it’s difficult. I hope eventually she will find the help she needs.
Barin
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 06:47 pm: [report]
Oh Dear don’t be think somuch know .Plz enjoy your life in present forget your past nobody saw their future so live happy in present. You are lucky that god being you a humanbeing so kept your faith on god . God be with you.