Girl Talk: Is Soul Mate-ism Preventing Us From Finding True Love?
Posted by: Ami Angelowicz
Filed in:
relationships
8:00AM, Wednesday July 8th 2009
I remember being a little girl and hearing my mother use the term “soul mates.”
“What is ‘soul mates’?” I asked.
“It’s beshert,” she said.
“Be-what?”
“It’s meant to be,” she explained.
Beshert is a Yiddish term that expresses how soul mates are “meant to be together.” Building on my family’s unwavering faith in this beshert thingy—my parents met when they were 17 and my grandparents when they were 16 —I assumed that I, too, would be welcomed into the warm, loving arms of this soul mate phenomenon. I vowed to keep my eyes peeled for my one and only perfect, dream lover—the man who would sweep me off my feet and love me as no one else ever had, my soul mate.
When I was 13, I thought my first boyfriend Jeremy, the guitar-strumming pothead, was my soul mate. “Run away with me and let’s get married, dude,” he pleaded during one of our marathon phone conversations.
“But I don’t have a ride to your place,” I said. When he cheated on me later that month with a girl that lived in his neighborhood, I knew he was NOT “the one.”
When I was 15, I was sure my soul mate was Rob, the artist with the Doc Martens and the Sonic Youth t-shirt. At 19, I was betting it was John, the intellectual DJ who could quote Foucault and Wu-Tang Clan all in one breath. By 22, I was fairly certain it was my long-term, live-in boyfriend Jeff, until I unexpectedly met and fell in love with Jason when I was 25. This time I was positive that Jason was “the one.” Jason and I were laying in bed one night and he turned to me clearly panicked and asked, “You seem so sure about us, how do you know it’s meant to be?”
“Beshert,” I said confidently. Two weeks later, he dumped me. Okay…f**k beshert.
It was around this time that I started to get a hunch that this whole “soul mate” thing may be a bunch of b.s. Maybe all that I was “meant to be” was “alone forever.” The thought terrified me, but even with my doubts, I chose to keep the faith that “the one” was coming. In the next few years, at least five more possible soul mates came and went—there was something just not quite “right” enough about all of them and I was unwilling to settle—before it finally dawned on me. There’s no perfect guy coming to sweep me off my feet, in fact there is not just ONE right guy for me, there are potentially many! And more importantly, holding out for a soul mate may have actually prevented me from finding true love. Crap!
I’m not the only one who had been buying into this soul mate thing—so were most of my single friends, also a few of my married friends, Jillian Harris on The Bacherlorette (true fact: it sure as s**t is not that scumbag Wes), and, according to a shocking study in 2001, 94% of unmarried, single people between the ages of 20 and 29 also believe this malarkey!
Whoa…so it’s like the whole single world thinks that love is flat when really it’s round? Writer Scott M. Stanley calls this phenomenon soul-mate-ism:
“[the belief that you will] find in a mate the one unique person on the planet who understands your deepest desires and fears, accepts all of who you are unconditionally and who becomes joined to you, making one complete whole in mind, body and soul. The power of this type of relationship is so great that you will know fully and rapidly when you find ‘the one.’”
Think “Jerry Maguire” and just about every other romantic comedy or love story on the planet. He claims that suffering from soul-mate-ism may leave you constantly unhappy because of impossible expectations of being loved perfectly by this mythological person. Um, this is sounding kind of familiar. As an antidote to soul-mate-ism, Stanley advocates commitment. “It is deep commitment between two partners for life that makes it possible to have a profound connection.” Whoa… kind of revolutionary.
So what do I do now? Clearly, I should throw in the towel with the soul mate search, take the next decent dude I meet, and commit myself to him for life. Wait, but wouldn’t that be settling? It’s all so profoundly confusing I hardly know what to believe anymore.
But no matter what anyone says, I still refuse to believe that love lacks some measure of magic. I still think that there are no coincidences in life and that miraculous things happen all the time and that things are meant to be—good or bad. Fingers crossed that lasting love (with a totally imperfect guy) is one of them for me. And even though I don’t like to admit it, there is a small, secret part of my heart that still skips a beat when I see a guy on the subway, or one sitting across from me at a coffee shop and I feel a spark of recognition between us and imagine the possibilities. A foolish, little voice inside of me whispers, “beshert.”
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Riley
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 08:27 am: [report]
I think the big problem is rushing it. Pushing someone else to be your “soul-mate” or that perfect person quashes what could have been if you let it play out on its own.
I’m not saying that you take a completely passive role in it all, but trying to force every person you meet into your cookie-cutter version of perfect isn’t fair to anyone.
Jessalyn
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 08:40 am: [report]
I’m so glad you wrote this post! Rather than beshert, my soul mate-ism (soul mate-itis?) probably stems more from fairy tales and too many romantic comedies, but I’m the same way, often wondering when I’m with someone if they’re THE one. (And being lazy about finding anyone at all when I’m not - after all, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen, right?)
I’m better about it now that I’m no longer 18 and starstruck by every guy who smiles at me. I know that good relationships aren’t magic; they take work and if I can’t enjoy who I am alone, no amount of effort will make any relationship succeed in the long run. But just like your little voice that whispers “beshert” about those random glances that spark with possibilities, something in my head wakes up at those moments and thinks “Well, maybe…”
Then again, isn’t the possibility of something wonderful happening on any given day part of what makes life interesting?
delovely
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 08:58 am: [report]
I don’t like the idea of soulmates, the one person out there for everyone. To have love predestined and all wrapped up in some mysterious cosmos, “things will work out perfectly, no matter what.” It is incredibly unromantic.
Romance is choosing the person you want to be with forever, choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, and standing by their side when the rough times come your way.
Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]
I think people absolutely have soul mates, plural. People who are just right for them for the right moments in their lives. I also think friends can be soul mates, the connection doesn’t have to be sexual or romantic.
sparklestar
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]
I think “I love you” means different things to different people. To me it means, I know the good things about you and the bad things about you. You’re imperfect. And still, I love you.
likeOMGkbye
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
I agree that everyone has multiple soulmates. I’m sure I have a couple soulmates in every state, and across the world, but I may never meet them so it will never happen. Some guy in Oregon could be perfect for me and definitely someone I could fall in love with, but I’ll probably never meet him.
metricula
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 09:31 am: [report]
I have a hetero-lifemate!
And I agree a lot of people are caught up in looking for perfection and missing some great opportunities to grow with each other.
Dynamic relationships are the reality but the fiction is, well, fiction.
Lynn
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
I definitely think relationships can be magic, marriages can last forever, and that a select few people in this world are men I would be willing to do that with. But it’s not the same as soulmates - I don’t think I’m mystically connected to my guy. When I think of “THE one” I think of the one I’m going to make a conscious decision to be with, not the one who is connected to me in some magical, spiritual way.
unbounded
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 11:03 am: [report]
This all makes me feel conflicted…still…I just broke up with a guy because he wasn’t sure we were “soul mates.” He thought love would be finding someone to spend this life and all the lives thereafter with….and although our relationship was “perfect” (his words), something was missing.
I figured that regardless of whether he was right about the soul mate thing (which I don’t believe in), I wasn’t going to stick around with someone who thought there was something missing in our relationship.
I don’t know what makes me feel worse - that there was something “missing” or that he’s so deluded about the soul mate thing!
tattooed_redhead
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]
The concept of a ‘soul mate’ is so psychologically damaging to some women it’s frightening. One of my closest friends is so obsessed with finding her ‘soul mate’ that she’s rejected some pretty amazing guys over trivial things that she says her ‘soul mate’ would never do/say/have etc. I tried to explain it to her logically how ‘soul mates’ don’t exist, but she’s been completely brainwashed by chick flicks, the Rules, and romance novels.
Think about it: There are more women than men in the world, so automatically some women are not going to get a ‘soul mate’. The next ridiculous part is the assumption that your ‘soul mate’ even lives in the same country as you, let alone city! Imagine someone whose job it was to set you up with your ‘soul mate’. “We found him! He’s a sensitive, artistic guy, great with kids - oh, did we mention he lives in war-torn Sudan?”
Yes, I have thought about it that much, trying to save my friend from dumping yet another great guy because he wasn’t ‘the one’.
fortierb
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
Ha ha I have two soul mates, my best friends. We kid and say we are life partners but my relationship with them has outlasted every romantic one I have had with a man.
Jessica Wakeman
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]
I’m pretty sure that don’t believe in souls, on religious grounds, so that makes the idea of being “beshert” or soul mates not valid!
I know this is the most un-romantic idea ever, but I don’t think people are “meant to be together.” I think people just choose to want to be with someone who they really love for the rest of their lives.
GreenAura
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
@ Jessica: perhaps people are meant to be together BECAUSE they choose to be together.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
CROSSxTHREAD: What if E’Dena Hines is Morgan Freeman’s soul mate?
Maples
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 09:14 pm: [report]
Okay, this is going to sound obnoxious, but I found my soul mate. The first time I heard the word “beshert” was when I met my husband’s best friend and she said it described us. Our minister said she never met a couple with a higher compatibility rating on our pre-marital counseling survey. If its any use to anyone out there, I will share a few thoughts. I didn’t believe in soul mates and my husband didn’t even think he was ever going to get married. We met and we were perfect for each other. I don’t think there was a lot of magic to it. If I can overanalyze for a bit, I will try to convince you that only certain guys can be soul mates.
1. No one dreams of being with someone that only thinks of himself. Of course, I think that nearly every woman I meet is wonderful and smart and kind and deserves to find her soul mate. There are a lot of nice women out there, but there just aren’t many nice guys. So many guys are #&@$% or have huge egos and those guys can never be any one’s soul mate.
2. A soul mate is a well-adjusted grown-up. A soul mate has to be a real man. He is okay with himself and he doesn’t have hang-ups about his personal physical appearance, professional success or personal history. He knows who he is. For example, I love Jane Austen and my husband decided to read P&P;so he would know who Mr. Darcy was. The guys I work with all agreed that reading a book by a famous woman author was emasculating. They are all boys; my husband is a man because he cannot be emasculated by a novel.
3. A soul mate knows who he is. This is alot like my last point, but its important. The type of guy who becomes someones soul mate is not searching for who he is. He knows who he is and is not likely to change dramatically. He is so comfortable with himself that he is probably not searching for a soul mate.
I have to admit that there was a lot of luck involved in meeting my husband. We share professional interests, which initially brought us together, but he noticed me because we share a love for some very obscure jazz artists. Oddly, I like music that has no form or key signature or melody and so does he. I just wanted to share that because I think it is unlikely that soul mates connect over their shared love of something that is easy for everyone to love (like the latest NY Times bestseller or a summer blockbuster movie). Soul mates connect over their inexplicable mutual affinity for that which is difficult to love.
PRican
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 09:19 pm: [report]
@cheeeeEEEEse: LoL. Now that is something to ponder!
“Soulmates:” Romantic, but not realistic in my opinion. I feel this notion leads people into believing that relationships will be easy and trouble-free when that is not the case. Relationships are hard and require a lot of TLC.
Leave the fairy tales to Disney.
PRican
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 09:24 pm: [report]
@Maples: Major congratulations to you. I really like that last line you wrote, “soul mates connect over their inexplicable mutual affinity for that which is difficult to love.” Very lovely.
writergirl
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 05:58 am: [report]
Maples said exactly what I was going to say, but much more eloquently. I met my husband on line. I saw his picture, read his profile, and the thought, “That’s my husband” popped into my mind. He is exactly as she listed in her post.
But that’s not to say life is the “happily ever after” portrayed in romance novels and movies. Life is life. #&@$% happens. There are unexpected pregnancies, no pregnancies, severe illnesses, financial hard times, arguments over mundane things, personal space is short….It’s LIFE.
A soulmate is one who recognizes that it isn’t going to be “happily ever after” and sticks to it WITH you, instead of saying, “Huh. Yeah. I didn’t sign on for this. See ya.”
Can you have more than one soulmate? Absolutely. That’s why people get remarried again after divorces or after their spouse dies. That person they marry is their soulmate for that particular point in time.
It isn’t so much the concept of “soul mate” that is flawed—it is the concept that “soul mate” equals perfection. People can’t be perfect, therefore, your soulmate can’t be either.
Austin Artist
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 06:21 am: [report]
@ tattooed_redhead : “We found him! He’s a sensitive, artistic guy, great with kids…”
I’m also intelligent, witty, decent looking, clean, responsible, and caring. Furthermore, I like romantic comedies, dislike watching sports from the couch, and don’t waste time on video games. I own my own house and vehicles as well as my own workshop/studio. I love my work and find other’s chosen paths interesting in many ways. I can hold a conversation all night or silently explore a candlelit face with my fingertips until the sun rises.
Why do I mention all this? Because the vast majority of women are too busy looking for their soul mate to notice me.
BlueVibe
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 08:57 am: [report]
I do agree with Maples that I think a component of (I hesitate to say “soul-mate-ness”) involves shared appreciation for obscure interests. Not all of them, maybe, but I recently started seeing a guy whom I think is great, except I’m pretty sure he’s going to turn out not to be eccentric enough for me. I’m not screamingly eccentric, but I’m getting a sense that making this into something long-term would mean me curtailing a handful of things about myself that I’m finding are inextricable from too many aspects of my life. I thought I was just being shallow, but then I realized that there are a lot of things that interest me that I’d be willing to cut back on because they were just hobbies. I’m willing to compromise. But there are a few things that would make me feel eviscerated if I had to compromise that far.
I won’t go so far as to say I don’t believe in soulmates, because my best friend is definitely a non-romantic soulmate, but I don’t think they exist in the Rom-Com sense, and I think the popular media sets up an unrealistic and damaging set of expectations.
tattooed_redhead
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]
@ Austin Artist - my point exactly! My friend dumps perfectly good guys like you, with potential for lasting love and a real relationship, because she’s after her white whale. I should just call her Moby Dick and have done with it, because nothing I’ve said sinks in. Of course, she wouldn’t get the reference. Moby Dick wasn’t a romance novel.
onewriter
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]
@amelia: YES!!! @sparklestar: yes yes yes!!!!! @Austen: don’t give up. @everyone: The man i’m with is who I choose to be with, regardless of how he feels at any given time. He is what I want. He is what I need. I love how he feels and I like who I am when I’m with him. I’ve never felt what I feel with him from or near anyone ever-except a boy in high school that I never actually hooked up with. The timing was all off, but I always knew he was in the room-even when I couldn’t see him. It’s like that now. I’ve never been more satisfied being in a relationship and I’m a better person for it. I can be by myself. I’ve done that for a long time…even when I was married. So, in a sense, he is my soul mate…but I didn’t realize/find out/see that until we’d been seeing each other for over 6 months. Love at first sight? Sorta…but to really connect, you need to grow with them, know them, live them. (No we don’t live together) And in losing yourself in their wonderfulness, if you find yourself, you aren’t lost at all, but more whole. It’s possible. After 41 years, it’s possible. Who’da thunk it?!
powplz
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
@Autin Artist - before we got together, my bf’s favorite thing about Aus10 was the abundance of “slutty half naked girls everywhere” and how easy it was to hook up. Depending on your age and your social scene, consider the possibility that finding a real relationship isn’t even a goal for at least some women you’re meeting.
Also, dating is hard. It takes a fair amount of luck to find someone who is right for you and a fair amount of work to actually grow a good relationship. It’s not women’s fault, it’s not men’s fault. I repeat, dating is hard.
alphabete
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
I grew up believing in soul mates. I wasn’t taught the concept by my parents (who were most assuredly NOT soul mates in any way) or indeed anyone at all really. I picked it up from the stuff I read all the time growing up, it was straight up escapism. Living in a home where it was plain that my father did not love us and only took care of us because his employer (the military) was watching convinced me that somehow, somewhere, there must be someone who would both love and accept me. The soul mate idea came from thinking that there probably really WAS only one guy in the world who would or could do so.
Now that I’m grown I no longer believe in soul mates. I’ve gone the opposite direction, comparing piece by piece of my life and a guy’s life until I find the point where I think it will break, and then I save him the trouble and myself the misery. On one hand it is mostly, I guess, to be more efficient (I know romance can’t be efficient but it damn well will be or I won’t be having any of it) and on the other, to disprove the notions of every person who believes in soul mates. If it can be broken, then it ain’t a soul mate relationship, and I’ve found that a good thorough breakdown of any relationship will disabuse those involved of the soul mate notion and realize it’s their choice, and not destiny.
Ms.NGuerrero
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 07:01 pm: [report]
I agree that we have more then one soul mate, but you don’t have a lot… I believe a soul mate is someone that is your best friend. loves you supports you no matter what, and when its over, you have grown from him and because of him in a good way. not because he was ajerk and cheated on you, but because he wasnt a jerk, and was there through all those days you were so mad you were crying gibberish. =] thats a soul mate. i feel its something too special to say every guy i dated is a soul mate, ive had one..and im sure theres at least one more out there but he has some big shoes to fill =]
alstephens
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 09:06 am: [report]
@ Austin Artist
Call me?
moonblossom
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
My image of humanity as one big adulterous mess kinda negates the whole idea of soul mates.
canadiancutie
wrote on July 12 2009 @ 08:38 pm: [report]
I actually think young women’s biggest problem is settling, settling for guys who are not remotely compatible, settling for substandard treatment that is less than they deserve. There’s my answer. NOT “soulmate-ism”.
Lauren Fritsky
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
I think the idea of a soul mate can sometimes be a cop-out. Some people think being with a soul mate means that the relationship will come easily and there won’t be that much work involved.
The truth is, EVERY relationship needs work and maintenance to work out. You guys can have tons of stuff in common, respect for each other and be super-attracted to each other, and you’re still going to have stuff you’ll need to work at.