Girl Talk: Is A Lack Of Physical Attraction Really A Cover-Up For Other Relationship Issues?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
9:59AM, Tuesday October 20th 2009
On yesterday’s episode of “The Tyra Show,” Tyra spoke with a married couple who were barely having sex because the woman no longer felt attracted to her husband. She said she wasn’t attracted to him since he put on weight and admitted that when they did have sex, all she could think about was getting it over with. The audience seemed to be expecting a big ol’ whale when her husband walked out on stage, but the guy was actually pretty average looking. As a result, the experts on the panel concluded that there must be other issues in their marriage, if the wife was that repulsed physically, and the audience agreed. So do I.
In my last serious relationship, my boyfriend and I started off having AMAZING physical chemistry. For the first six months or so, we had sex multiple times a day. Over the course of our relationship, he put on some weight, but at the same time we also started to develop problems under the surface of our happiness that neither of us at the time wanted to acknowledge. I became less and less attracted to him. It got to the point where I didn’t have any desire to have sex with him most of the time, but if he initiated, I went along with it. I did this because I loved him and I felt like I should. Besides, eventually I could get into it. He was good in bed, I will say that.
For a year we lived above our landlord, an old lady who would scream at me on a regular basis about making too much noise (completely untrue, she just had her hearing aid turned up to the max), which made me walk on eggshells all the time and gave me extreme anxiety. I went through a big bout of depression and started seeing a therapist and taking anti-anxiety medication. One constant subject at therapy—and at home—was that my ex was an avid marijuana smoker, which was bothersome for me, for reasons that go beyond the usual and are too complicated to explain here. When he drank, he would often get so drunk that he would be mean or pass out on the sofa so I would have to drag him to bed. We also had fundamental differences in how we viewed the world, which eventually led to our demise, I think. But we loved each other, a lot, and I never for a second considered giving up on our relationship. I don’t think he did either, well, until the end.
As I said, he also started to pack on some pounds but hardly resembled Chris Farley. I thought he had a handsome face and a sweet demeanor and I felt such a huge amount of affection for him, but I couldn’t feel sexually attracted towards him, without him initiating. For a while I thought I had some sort of sexual problem and even entertained the idea of seeing a sex therapist. I dug and dug for reasons while I was in therapy, but came up with nothing conclusive. It was a source of endless frustration for me for years.
It wasn’t until after we broke up and I got some distance from him and the situation—and yes, slept with other people—that I realized my physical aversion to him was my subconscious trying to tell me that he wasn’t the one for me. That my lack of attraction to him had nothing to do with him putting on a little weight or me having a sexual arousal problem—we were just two people who were not meant to be, trying really hard to pretend we were. I just wish we had both realized that before our eventual breakup got ugly and we lost any chance at a friendship.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
FrzKey
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]
Meh, that’s you. Personally I’ve found it completely possible for me to just stop being attracted to an ex. Since the guys I usually date aren’t terribly attractive to begin with this doesn’t surprise me in the least. The bloom goes off that rose pretty quickly and they’re left on the strength of their personalities (children all) and their bedroom skills (laughable) then it ends and I wonder why I bother dating at all. Till some other ugly ass wanders over with an interest in some of the same things who’s mildly tolerable for long stretches at a time - till they aren’t.
This mostly because I used to pick my mates based on personality first and ignore lookers in general till I can’t anymore.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 09:20 am: [report]
Her unhappiness has manifested into a lack of physical attraction towards him. This isn’t that unusual.
retro chic
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]
A person’s body has no intellect or ego to get confused by rationalizations. It knows what it knows. Trust the gut – or just south – for trouble afoot, I always say.
SouthOC
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]
@SCRMOM: You are absolutely right. A friend of mine who was married to an absolute knock-out (but was having problems in the marriage) told me that he wouldn’t even touch her with a 10 foot pole.
In a committed relationship, attraction changes over time. (even Brad Pitt is going to look like the old/young dude in Benjamin Button some day). I’ve found that sexual attraction in marriage is similar to the ingredients in a recipe. The recipe is different for everybody, but for me it’s love, intimacy, raw physical attraction, hygiene, trust, kindness, forgiveness, and a pinch of naughty.
Secret Story Time
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
She just wanted to get it over with. Holy #&@$%, that is a terrible situation, but probably the husbandcooperates by getting it over with as fast as he can too!
Secretia
milli
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 11:12 am: [report]
I am sorry but you should have dumped him the minute he began acting like that. A few pounds don’t make a difference, drinking and pot do.
bjoontheupside
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]
I definitely agree that a lack of physical attraction can become a cover up for other problems within a relationship. Before my ex and I broke up, I became more and more unattractive to him physically because the mental aspect of our relationship was suffering big time. Most of the time, I didn’t want him touching me and on the rare occasion when I would be into it, it quickly soured. The body and the mind knows what’s right for you and until you make it right, both on going to be on alert, sending out red flags until you start listening to yourself.
cfreeman191
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]
this post is another confirmation that im not crazy. being a guy, im expected to pretty much want my gf at all moments of the day.
throughout our 3 year relationship, i started realizing that what I wanted, was not to be had in this person, and it really drained on our sex life. for a while i thought i was going crazy, because physically, she’s one of the most beautiful women i’ve ever known in real life. she never put on any weight or anything to make me herself any less beautiful than the day i met her. i just simply wasn’t attracted any more. i had been trying to convince myself that i was happy and should continue the relationship, but that was not to be.
so it happens to guys too, maybe im not crazy
AnitaBath
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
I totally agree with this (I actually saw this episode and, oddly enough, Tyra didn’t change the subject to herself).
I noticed this a long time ago, but when you like someone’s personality and have chemistry with them, you’re prone to pick out their strengths. They have a big nose? No problem, because just look at how blue their eyes are and how awesome they are. When the relationship starts going sour and you have problems with them, you’re suddenly starting to notice (and be repulsed by) the weird noises they make when they’re dry humping you or that disgusting mole on their neck, and their nose has never looked bigger. A bad personality or lack of connection/chemistry can quickly make an attractive/average-looking person look less than so.
jambadreamer07
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 06:06 pm: [report]
I had a similar problem with no sex drive while my BF and I were living together this summer. It had us both questioning our relationship, but then we realized it was because we didn’t know when we would ever be living together again (We’re in school in California and Louisiana) because of graduate school, and this made it feel like the relationship was one a one way track to being over. Once we realized the problem and we decided to move in together at the end of the year, my sexual desire came roaring back.
Hilary
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 06:18 pm: [report]
I had this problem as well. It was just my unhappiness as far as I can tell that made me not want to have sex with my husband. It happens all the time, but most people just ignore it…I did for a long time, but then realized I couldn’t live my life like that.
revivedlady
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 07:33 pm: [report]
Yeah I have to agree. Usually a person loses interest in sex because of the relationship itself and its problems. But… on the other hand a physical relationship needs maintenence over time that raw feeling when you first are together does diminish. It becomes different in a good relationship it becomes comfortable. That also is not always a good thing. Doing something nawty, having a date nite, cooking in the kitchen pulling ones pants down and saying come hither lil boy. So many people never have had that or let it go. Maybe some problems in a relationsgip would not be there if both maintain and make each other feel attractive still.
DancingGeek
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]
My ex drank a lot and gained a lot of weight over the course of our marriage. I use to feel so bad and so shallow for being repulsed by him, but honestly, it wasn;t all physical. Excessive drinking and the added weight made him a miserable, mean person.
People who pass out on the sofa should remain on the sofa.
bogart4017
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
@dancinggeek—totally agreed. If waking up one morning too many on the sofa doesnt make him/her realize there is a problem you need to get out of the way until the conclusion of therapy.
Jenn27549
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:34 pm: [report]
I had the exact same experience as the author down to the letter, the counseling, the medication, all of it. Slow demise not marked by anything terrible or instant or dramatic. Just didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. Went on for about 3.5 years until I finally gave up. I had changed everything else in my life but that so I was down to the final option.
loveitlala
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:54 am: [report]
“A person’s body has no intellect or ego to get confused by rationalizations. It knows what it knows. Trust the gut – or just south – for trouble afoot, I always say.”
SOOOO TRUE!
majicksand
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 09:04 am: [report]
One of my cousins had every excuse in the world for why she was no longer attracted to her husband of 10 years. As it turns out, her husband’s biggest flaw was not being that cute guy at her office she’d been eyeballing who recently divorced his wife. My cousin is now divorced as well.
kl564063
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 07:55 am: [report]
When the sex is over, the relationship is over. Sorry ladies, thats just the way it goes