Girl Talk: I Was The Other Woman—Should I Tell?

Crys
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]

I was the other woman once, and I did tell her.  Of course she didn’t believe me and ended up marrying him anyway.  And to play devil’s advocate, I probably wouldn’t have believed it myself…  Would I do it again?  Yep (tell her that is, I learned my lesson about getting involved w/taken men).  But I would have irrevocable proof this time.

spatula
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]

I would. Obviously there is no friendship to maintain with this guy, so you don’t have to worry about that.

It’s a hard thing, to be the one who (potentially) brings about the end of someone else’s long relationship, but you have to decide which is harder for you to live with…crushing Elise with this revelation, or allowing her to enter into a MARRIAGE with this ass who will quite undoubtedly continue to play her this way.

As for the actual telling, I say I’d do it, but I don’t know if I’d have the balls. That’d be one hard conversation. Another suggestion would be to have a mutual acquaintance “spill the beans”...let her hear it through the grapevine. It’s not ideal, but your intentions are good.

jeccabean
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]

I would. You would be saving that girl a lot of heartache down the road. Eventually he will cheat on her with someone else, she will find out and they will get divorced. Why not just tell her now and let her get out of a bad relationship before it becomes a legal battle?

AnnHuu
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]

Yes. Tell her. I was Elise once. If the other girl hadn’t been humane enough to tell me, then I would have married the wrong man and missed out on meeting my soul mate(who I am about to marry).

conspicuous
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]

A couple of things.

1) You should definitely tell her. This guy is a womanizing jerk who doesn’t deserve to be with her for treating her this way. Also, IMO, you should have told her (if not right away), right when you found out they were engaged. Think of the time and money she has put into planning this wedding over the last nine months? Think of how much more time, money and heartache there will be if she finds out after they are married.

2) In response too:

Not only had this douche lied to me and led me on, but now he thought he could treat me like a prostitute?

Give me a break. You knew up front that he had a girlfriend. You even asked and he didn’t lie that he didn’t have one. He didn’t drug your drink, bring you home and FORCE you to have sex with him. YOU went to meet him voluntarily, ‘felt he was the man of your dreams’ after two drinks and went home with him. YOU sent him racy photos. It’s time to woman up, realize the mistake YOU made, and move on.

And yes, he is still a douche.

SassyDaisy
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]

wow..this is risky..you should and you shouldn’t (not much help right)sorry, but if you do she might not believe you bc she might be so in love w/him that she would think you are only doing it to get her boyfriend…

As a woman you should bc you wouldn’t want to be in her position; she can take your warning or not and since it doesnt sound like she’s your close friend there is no fear of losing her from your friend’s list…

bumbler
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]

I would tell her, if you’re uncomfortable with doing it face to face I’d leave an anonymous letter for her at least.  This #&@$% is risking exposing her to STDs in addition to heartbreak.

I do have to say the contempt for Elise shown by you and all the other members of your pack is pretty off-putting.  The constant refrain of “boring” is really kind of a pathetic justification.  And if this kind of behavior and drama is what your group was getting into at these parties I don’t blame her in the slightest for opting out of that scene.

SassyDaisy
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]

I guess i am saying: Tell her!!!

Jessica Wakeman
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]

I was the “other woman” in a situation and I told the girlfriend about everything. The last I’ve heard, they are *still* together. If you tell her, be prepared for her to not give a damn.

Joey Daytona
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]

“...I’m in uncharted waters.”
Egads! Be prepared…
for a lovely sea cruise or to scuttle the good ship Dalliance. I tend to go down w/ the ship, but that’s me!
If she tells the fiancé will the pix be leaked?

petiteatl
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:04 am: [report]

Honestly, you did what you did with him and you have to live with it and simply move on.  Who hasn’t made a mistake?  You are human.  You got caught up in a rush and, as painful and embarrasing as it feels, you have learned from it.  Right?

Now, its your turn to stand back and let Elise learn her lesson.  Perhaps she wants to be blinded to the fact that her man is a womanizing hoe?  She will learn the info in her own way, if she is lucky.  If not, she will continue as she has.  Don’t be concerned with her, you think she is boring anyway.  I am not saying this as a disservice to Elise, I am just throwing my two cents in since it is YOU who asked the question.  If she does ever come to you, be honest.  She will be ready to digest the information you have to share then.

danila
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:04 am: [report]

This is bullsh*t. You’re reason for snitching is not to save poor (boring) Elise. It’s purely revenge for how this guy made you feel. He was not the only one wrong in this situation. You were too. You knew he had a girlfriend and you obviously didn’t care then, so why is it so important to you now.

SassyDaisy
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]

@JoeyDaytona: Good Point!

Penelope09
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]

I was unknowingly the other woman. It was my first week of college and I was totally into this guy in my dorm. He was all over me until we hooked up, then he wanted nothing to do with me. I just said #&@$% him and moved on—to a mutual friend from his hometown. They weren’t best friends but they ran in the same crowd in high school, a lot of whom ended up at the same school with us.

A few weeks later, the mutual friend and I were official and we went to hang out with a girl from his high school, who kept talking about her wonderful boyfriend, that, to my horror, turned out to be the guy I had hooked up with. She was all upset because some “slut” had said that he’d cuddled the night before with another girl and obviously she was lying. That girl clearly wasn’t me (we hadn’t spoken in weeks) but I had no trouble believing it.

This girl was totally clueless, and I liked her. So when she asked me a few days later if anything had happened between me and her boyfriend, I told her the truth. She started threatening me, calling me a liar and obsessive and a slut (even though I made it clear he had told me he was single).

In her eyes, it was my fault, and I was making it all up because that was much less painful than believing her boyfriend actually cheated on her. And even if it had happened, she wanted to believe it was entirely my fault, even though he lied to me and I was single.

I will never hook up with a guy in a relationship again, but if I did, I would never, ever tell the girlfriend. She’ll figure out what she’s gotten into eventually, and if she doesn’t, she probably doesn’t want to know.

Humble Bee
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]

So if Marc would have said yes to the bathroom make-out on your b-day what would have happened?, would you have continued to see him? I know you’d be saving her a lot of heartache, but what makes you think she won’t go off on you! and blame you for wanting Marc??? She IS getting married, that’s really tough. Specially since he has pictures as evidence, he’ll probably lie and say YOU were the one chasing after him. Go with you instinct, you know them more than us, if you feel the right thing is to tell Elise, then do it. If yo u feel like she’ll just accuse you, then let them be. Good luck and great post, I was totally chugging my coffee while reading this, I think i need another one.

Emily8442
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]

Do NOT tell her.  Chances are she won’t believe you or she will take his side.  Besides, you do not want to tick off someone who has naked pictures of you.

Telling her is only alleviating you of your guilt.  Deal with what you did, learn from it, move on.

lea322
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]

People, the writer of the article effed up, and sometimes that means there are consequences. Elise may blow up at her, not believe her, or stay with Marc. That’s beside the point. The point is that sometimes when we make mistakes, there are unpleasant ramifications for us. And honestly…a person you’re not friends with yelling at you one time is probably not the end of the world.

And to those people saying Elise will find out eventually…how? How will she do that if no one tells her? Clearly Marc doesn’t care one way or the other how his actions effect her, so I doubt he’ll be making an confessions any time soon. The writer of this article needs to own up to her mistakes and tell Elise.

QTKT
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]

Whatever the motive is - feeling better about yourself, getting back at him for how he treated you, or truly looking our for Elise, you have got to tell her. It will not be fun and she will blame you/yell at you/not believe you, but it’s necessary. Your only job is to be calm and truthful. Admit what you did was stupid (we’ve ALL done something stupid that we wish we could erase, I know I have) and let her make up her mind.

I did something I really really regret. But I came clean and have been totally open about it. Through this I’ve been able to forgive myself.

foolish
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]

Funny how you posted this story, as I was in the same situation with a guy with the same name, only difference I was “stuck” in that mess for years. I fell in love with him when he was single we stopped seeing each other and when he was no longer single (engaged) he came around and did the same thing. I stayed in this mess cause I loved him and thought he was gonna be with me, it never happened.

Bottom line many of my friends wanted me to go tell his fiance and tell her what she was getting into… don’t get me wrong I thought(a lot) about it but in the end I didn’t want to be the one to destroy her world and future. She will figure it out one day, I couldn’t get myself to do it. I still feel bad for her…

SassyDaisy
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]

Like Joey Daytona said: what about her naked pictures? he said he still had them…i don’t know if i would want to screw myself more and have them published somewhere.

If she’s going to tell Elise, she needs a plan first so she knows that she’s safe from being embarrased even further with her naked pictures…

Otherwise, just drop it…

Lolafalona
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]

I wouldn’t tell her. Because truth be told I bet she already knows he is a douche bag. Most girls like this know but don’t really do anything about it. So you would be wasting your time and getting involved in something that you really have no business to be bothered with. She’ll figure it out for herself in due time.

_jsw_
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]

My opinion, which I know you all value so much you will have this printed on a poster for your walls, is that there are only two times to tell someone that their S.O. is/was having an affair: (1) if you are a P.I. hired by that person, and (2) if you are a close friend of that person.

That’s it. If you’re the S.O., don’t tell so you can come clean and feel good about yourself, because you’re just going to hurt the other person for selfish reasons. If you’re the other person, don’t tell because you’re just going to hurt the other person for selfish reasons.

No good can come from telling her, and feelings will undoubtedly be hurt. I agree that the main reason she’d be told would be to get back at him, which is crap. Stop lying to yourself about altruism. It’s all about revenge.

lea322
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]

@_jsw_: Just to clarify: are you saying the SO doing the cheating should not tell the person they are in a relationship with that they have cheated?

foolish
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]

Your story is just like mine, except that I was “stuck” in that mess for years. I fell in love with him when he was single, we then stopped seeing each other. Then the txt and IM’s started when he was no longer single but engaged. I went along for way too long cause I loved him or so I thought and thought that he would perhaps leave her for me, he never did. He’s still contacting me cause he “misses me”. I totally understand what you are feeling/experiencing.

Bottom line, my friends wanted me to tell her, to tell her what she was really getting into and what kind of guy she was really marrying. I can’t lie, I have thought about it, a lot, but couldn’t get myself to tell her, brake her dream, her heart, her future with this man she loves. I still feel bad for her…

_jsw_
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]

@lea322: Every situation is different, and STDs add a whole new dimension, but in the cases I’ve seen, those who decided to tell their S.O.s about previous affairs - and this would include a set of several women and two men who have done this - have seen a great deal of pain as a result in both themselves, their S.O.‘s, and, where applicable, their children and families.

Those who didn’t tell but - importantly - realized their mistake and became faithful have fared much better, as have their S.O.s and families.

Those who didn’t tell and didn’t learn, of course, eventually got caught and lost it all.

So, yes, my opinion is that, if you have cheated, it’s generally best to learn from it, stop doing it, and become a better partner to the person you’re with, or to break things off with them because it isn’t working, but not to tell them about an affair. It hurts them with no real benefit to anyone.

StephanieMaya
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]

Tell her.  Doing so serves several purposes:
1. Provides her with new information that will better allow her to evaluate whether to marry this douche;
2. Sends a message to him that he should not behave in the way he did ever, because it will (and did) catch up with him;

I’d do this face to face with her if you can.  You owe it to her, since you did a not so awesome thing (understandably a mistake that human beings make), to be really direct and compassionate. 

If she doesn’t believe you, you can show her any emails, texts, or whatever you might have saved.  Or tell her he has naked pics of you (that puts you at risk of her being psycho and using them against you - so evaluate her potential for crazy before taking this route). 

Once the cat is out of the bag, it’s in her hands.  If she chooses not to believe you or not to leave him, at least she has that information and what she does with it is her choice.  Good luck.

lea322
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]

@jsw: Ok, I see your point, and I suppose I would agree for the most part.

stephoney22
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]

This is TOUGH. As a girlfriend, I HATE stuff like this, it makes me ill.  But I have a two friends who were in similar situations, perhaps less severe, and I’ve thought about it from their shoes.  We have to move past the fact that you were wrong to be involved.  Yes, you have to own up to it and deal with any ramifications that may come (phone calls, your pics on the interweb, or even nothing at all).  But for now, you were the last one to say “no” and you were serious.  You definitely should have told him that he should reveal his unfaithfulness to his GF.  It’s not your responsibility to tell her, but you should encourage that he repair (or end) the relationship with Elise.

Unfortunately, he’s got those pics and he’s still a douche.  Every situation is different, but for now, if you’re spiritual, ask for forgiveness and realize how dumb this is so you will never do it again.  We all want you to move past it and learn from this situation.  Also, if Elise ever approaches you, you should be honest IF you have a friend around to support you and if she’s not hostile.  If this is in your past, you do NOT have to respond to someone who’s out to make a fool of you in public or hurt you.  At this point, you need to leave it up to them and not let him back into your life.  Remember, this guy is a selfish jerk who doesn’t know how to be a real MAN, and we all know it.  I wish you all the best!!!!

_jsw_
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]

@lea322: Thanks. I hope it’s obvious, but I was not in any way condoning affairs or saying that people should have them and then expect a free pass. My point was simply that, even though you shouldn’t do it, if you do it, then you should end it and forget about it. Doing it is wrong enough, but hurting someone else when they don’t need to be hurt is even worse. Make amends or make a break, but don’t tell them just to tell them.

belindajulie
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]

If you were in her position, would you want to know? If they were just dating, maybe I would let it go, but they’re getting *married*. It’s a big step and while she may still forgive him (and you do need to be ready for that), she should go into the marriage with her eyes open and she can’t do that unless you tell her about you and Marc.

We all make mistakes and what’s done has been done. Don’t beat yourself up over it and you certainly didn’t get into this position yourself.

DFTCTB's
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]

I wouldn’t tell her, You have no girlfriend-obligation whatsoever to tell Elise that you boned her future husband.  Just move on, cut them completely out of your life and forget it.  If the need to assuage your guilt and right some wrongs becomes obsessive send her an anonymous letter.  Leave the decision up to her.  I know so many guys like that (married and in LTR’s) and I don’t believe for a second you’re the only girl he’s pursued, they’ll never be satisfied with that they have but are too afraid to leave the nice but boring girl.

lea322
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]

@jsw: Agreed. It’s still tough for me to say that I COMPLETELY agree because I happened to be nearby when my dad told my mom that not only was he leaving her for another woman, he had had multiple affairs throughout most of their marriage. Not sure if I’ve ever seen a more bewildered and dejected looking person in my life. If he’d fessed up earlier, my mom could have maybe saved some face and left him before he could embarrass her so badly…so many times.

However, a one time offender, as horrible as that is, could justifiably keep a secret and use it as motivation to never behave that way again and work toward making their relationship as good as it can possibly be.

ElleSays
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]

Tell her. If she still decides to marry him, at least she’ll know she’s marrying a douche!

foolish
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:43 pm: [report]

Your story is just like mine, except that I was “stuck” in that mess for years. I fell in love with him when he was single, we then stopped seeing each other. Then the txt and IM’s started when he was no longer single but engaged. I went along for way too long cause I loved him or so I thought and thought that he would perhaps leave her for me, he never did. He’s still contacting me cause he “misses me”. I totally understand what you are feeling/experiencing.

Bottom line, my friends wanted me to tell her, to tell her what she was really getting into and what kind of guy she was really marrying. I can’t lie, I have thought about it, a lot, but couldn’t get myself to tell her, brake her dream, her heart, her future with this man she’s in loves. I still feel bad for her…

retro chic
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:44 pm: [report]

Uh. Who is Anonymous? And is this from someone’s first draft for that Romance/Erotic self-publishing company TF posted about? Seriously, is this real, or spin and flip of the other, other-woman articles?

On the off-chance that it is real…

I agree with whoever’s up there: There should be no communication between the two women concerned. That’s presuming there should have been any “communication” between Eric the fiancé and the “other woman” to begin with.

Many women sadly come to learn: He won’t leave the primary relationship; no ROI in that scenario, soooo…

And pics? Ugh

Again – assuming this not fictitious.

Audi
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]

I don’t think you have much reason to interfere here. You’re not a close friend of either of them, so I doubt your words would have much of an impact on Elise anyway; as many people have mentioned, she’s very likely not to believe you. And then, though you were wrong to get involved with him, you do need to consider yourself too. Do you really want to be dragged into this? Do you want him sending you angry text messages or confronting you in person? I’d say at this point the best thing you can do is to wash your hands of both of them and let it be a lesson learned.

The other thing to consider is that you really know nothing at all about their relationship. For all you know he may have come clean already, or vowed to change his ways. For all you know you were the only woman who’s ever tempted him, and now that he’s got it out of his system he’ll do right by Elise forever (though I highly doubt it). My point is that you’re not privvy to the workings of their relationship the way you would be if Elise were your close friend. Your getting involved isn’t going to fix anything that won’t either fix itself or burn out on its natural course. If you were close with Elise then you would owe it to her, but as an outsider all you’re going to do is to cause pain without there being any real feelings of friendship or compassion to soften the blow.

And if it’s really just revenge you’re after, look at it this way: he’s the one embarking on a potential train wreck of a marriage, not you.

EarthGoddess
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:07 pm: [report]

I have been on both sides of this situation. I’ve been “you” (and worse) and I’ve been “Elise” (and worse). Actually, what you describe sounds kind of innocent and you didn’t let yourself get too caught up in the adrenaline to have a full-on relationship with him, something I’ve done in the past when I was bored in whatever relationship I was in. I’ve also been on the receiving end of this, and while it’s nothing that you want to have happen, you can get over it and move on without ending the relationship. I really don’t think you did anything majorly wrong, nor do I think you should be the one to tell Elise. She wouldn’t believe you, most likely, or she may already know and have agreed to stay in the relationship for her own reasons. She may just want to be married, so she’ll put up with it if she’ll have the lifestyle she desires. I’ve heard of a few “boring” women who were only that way to mask what they were doing on the side ... no one would suspect the quiet little boring good girl, so she may very well be having more fun on the side than he is. I really wouldn’t give either of them another thought ...

tabby
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]

Been there and done that. Yes, she should know that she is marrying a lying jerk because that is information that everyone deserves. Should it come directly from you? Not necessarily. The problems with telling the fiance are numerous, but the most glaring is that she is probably not going to believe you. This means, if you really want her to know, you have to get sneaky about it. You have to either find a way to plant evidence that clearly shows her the truth, get one of her friends to tell her, ect.

How I did it? Well, I knew that she checked his email everyday after he went to work and he went to work at the same time everyday. So one day I waited until after he left for work and then send him an email outlining some of the details of the affair as well as some of the crappy things he said about their relationship. I knew that she would read it and that she would have to believe it because I sent it to him and not to her. Unfortunately, they still got married, had a kid, and then got a divorce because a leopard like that doesn’t change his spots.

whatshesays
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]

@retro chic- Absolutely agree that it reads a bit like a fake article. But regardless, the whole deal (cheating then suddenly engaged, married men/women having affairs, just cheating in general etc.) is practically commonplace. IT’S NOT OKAY and people who cheat comes out looking like a jackass- Mark Sanford, I’m looking at you!- but still happens all the time nonetheless. I’m not even out of college yet and I can attest to that.

But I also want to echo that this girl knew exactly what she was doing before it finally got to her. She started to feel guilty, ashamed, and angry when she realized that Marc only wanted one thing from her and it had nothing to do with her feelings.

Finally I’d like to quote Fabolous: “Stick wit’cha entree and get over your side.”

whatshesays
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]

*edit: “People who cheat come out looking like a jackass. I can haz grammar?

bumbler
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]

@EarthGoddess wow I think that’s a bit of a stretch to suggest Elise is a cheater when the author has never even met her.

EarthGoddess
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]

@bumbler - I’m not saying she is or isn’t, just that people aren’t always as innocent as they seem. She could have her own agenda is all I’m saying. As they say, it’s always the quiet ones ...

vtgirl1993
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]

I’ve never been “Elise” - at least, not to my knowledge - but I have been “the other woman” several times and through no fault of my own. (All the men said they were single when we dated and eventually became intimate.) In two cases, the couples were engaged and one was just dating. I told the two girls who were engaged because I learned later that these guys weren’t just doing this with me, but with a number of women. Once I learned that, I felt not only were these guys putting their fiancees’ health at risk, but also being complete douches. As for the guy who was just dating, I didn’t tell her simply because he completely broke down afterwards and started crying about having cheated on her. I definitely sensed real remorse, esp. as he was a former BF of mine so I knew him really well. To the best of my knowledge, he never did it again, so I never told her. (I did threaten to if I heard he did it again. Maybe that kept him in line.)

Anyway, I’d tell the fiancee and let her deal w/ the knowledge as she sees fit.

cooldad
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]

Don’t tell her.  You weren’t going to tell her when you were prepared to hook up with him so why now?  Just to get back at him for something you were a 50/50 partner in?  You don’t know that you’re not the only one and that he’s never done anything with anyone else and never will.  How did she not just walk out of the apt when she saw they lived together?  That’s just not right

ElleSays
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]

I was just reconsidering…you didn’t care about her feelings before…why do you now?

bethlynn00
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 02:52 pm: [report]

I wouldn’t tell her.  Too many times it turns out to only make you look worse or you end up in a bad situation.  Honestly most women know or at least suspect when their guy is stepping out on them and they make the decision to deal with it or ignore it.  You coming to them, a stranger, is not going to do anything but piss them off, so just let it go and move on.

equnsuocha
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]

Although I feel that there is a very short list of reasons why a man deserves a shot to the jewels, this is on it.  I say you get a friend to make like Lake Bell in “What Happens in Vegas”, head over to their place and deliver a junk punch and a loud “YOU KNOW WHY” to him.  She then simply walks away.  Let the Future Mrs. DBag begin the questioning then.  If he has doen it once he has done it a 1000 times.  Maybe that will do it.  Just make sure it isnt a friend he knows is your or you WILL see those pics posted somewhere. >.<

econ
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]

So this is my first time to register and comment, but I felt it was important. Sorry this may turn out long.

I was in a similar situation. Kinda. Not sure which woman I was, but in the end I was the woman who knew what type of douchebag he was.

I had been dating the guy for about four months when he started dating K. Neither of us knew about the other. I guess it wasn’t too hard since he was about five hours away from both of us on a military base. Anyways, I ended up breaking up with him (still without knowing this, but for other douchebag reasons) in August (after a nine month relationship). I didn’t find out about K till about a month later. When I discovered how long they had been dating I was mad, to say the least. I found out quickly she didn’t know about me. I wrestled with whether to tell her. Even more so when they were engaged (by December of that year).

I never told K, because I could never convince myself that my motives were pure: to make sure she wasn’t hurt rather than simply to get back at the cheating scumbag.

A year later (they were not married yet) he cheated on her with another woman and broke up with her over this woman. K was heartbroken. Through an old mutual friend of mine and the douchebag I found out K had had trouble with depression and eating disorders for years and this sent her on another round of problems interupting her law school.

I wish I had told her, maybe she would have devoted less time to him. At the least I wouldn’t feel guilty.

I had complete proof though. Pictures of us together at a friends weddings, at his parents house, oh yeah, and his parents word that we were together. His mom called me regularly (still no clue how he explained that one to them).

If you have no proof, realize she may not listen. But like me, you sound like you don’t have a relationship that might be ruined with either of them, and trust me it’s worth telling her. Maybe she’ll listen and be spared a lot of hurt. I would tell in a heartbeat if I had it to do over again. And I know K would tell me (she told the girl he cheated with)—shouldn’t I have done the same for her?

DancingGeek
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]

I wouldn’t tell her because she either won’t believe you or will think it was you who initiated it.  She’ll still marry him and he might do something unthinkable with your pictures.

Let it go and learn from it.

@jsw I agree with you on the not telling if you’ve had an affair, most people tell to make themselves feel better, and they should have to live with their mistake and deal with not feeling good about it.

magyar-beauty
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 03:35 pm: [report]

@EarthGoddess- I completely agree with you, i have also been at both ends of the spectrum…...the author should just treat it as a life lesson…..learn from it and move on…

SouthOC
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]

@Annonymous:  I agree with those who said you blew it, and are trying to side-step your guilt by doing something noble.

Move on and learn from your mistake.

JessicaKarra
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 06:00 pm: [report]

I JUST found out that my boyfriend of almost a year was cheating on me pretty much the entire time we were together. I WISH someone had told me. It’s true, that many women wouldn’t believe a total stranger over their boyfriend, but if you want to put your mind at ease, then tell her.  I had no clue that my ex was cheating on me. He was a really good liar. From my experience, it’s an awful feeling to find out this kind of information, but I wish I would have found out sooner than I did.

I’ve also been on the other side. I was seeing a guy who I thought was single, and when I found out he had a girlfriend, I sent her an email. All I said was that I had been seeing him, and didn’t know he was seeing someone else. I told the other woman that if she wanted more details she could ask, but wasn’t going to bother her if she didn’t want to know. I know she got the message, but she didn’t ask. She married the guy less than a year later.

From my experience: cheaters never change. If someone cheated one time (one single time), then maybe they wouldn’t do it again. But, if the person has carried on multiple affairs in the recent past, they’re going to do it again. So, even if you tell the girl, this guy is going to end up doing the same thing to someone else…and you can’t save all the women he comes into contact with (sadly).

Erin G
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 07:35 pm: [report]

When you all say “She’ll figure it out eventually” what do even MEAN by that?! Haven’t you thought for a second that “figuring something out” is SUPPOSED TO BE when the ‘other woman’ spills the beans? Or are you really saying “Oh I’ll let some other ‘other woman’ be the one to have the uncomfortable, difficult talk with the girlfriend”?

Give up this passive “someone else will do it” BS attitude, it isn’t helping any of us women out there.

foolish
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 07:46 pm: [report]

@ Danila-I don’t think you can judge until you have been in those shoes. And the reason why she is thinking of perhaps telling Elise is NOT out of revenge, but to warn her what kind of guy she is potentially marrying, I’m not saying she should, as I wasn’t able to tell the girl in question… but if she feels the need and has the courage, what I didn’t have, then I say she should go ahead and tell Elise.

CatLady111
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 07:47 pm: [report]

I realize that it’s kind of pointless to post a response the author will honestly never read, but I registered with Frisky just for this anyway. 

My advice - Tellhertellhertellhertellher….!!!!!

I can’t really understand the girls on here who keep saying, “Consider it a lesson learned and move on, you don’t want to get any pictures leaked, so just let Elise learn her lesson too and stay out of it.”  How thoroughly selfish can you women be?  Why, why, WHY would you take such an egocentric approach?

My marriage ended because I didn’t know my boyfriend had picked up a cheating habit in boot camp.  His affair (and repercussions, as she ended up stalking me) destroyed my life, and I don’t say that lightly.  Elise is not likely to believe another woman, and if she does, she will probably forgive her fiancee and try to make it work, because she’s already invested a lot of time and money in their relationship.  However, you owe it to this girl to be honest, otherwise I honestly believe karma is going to have a field day with your @$$.  Don’t talk to her - write.  You already wrote this article, obviously you have no problem expressing yourself in prose - so make it a little more vague if you need to or change some details if you are very worried about hiding your identity, but send her a letter anonymously.  At the very least, you’ll help her get a better settlement when she inevitably ends up divorced.

bumbler
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 08:05 pm: [report]

@ Erin G I still agree with you.  I know these kind of instances are rare but how many of us use STD protection with long-term boyfriends or fiances?  Not many I would wager and who’s to say he’s using it with his more casual encounters?  How much more awful will it be for this girl to find out when she’s got herpes, chlamydia or God forbid HIV?  When they’re married and one of his other women ends up pregnant guess whose marital assets are going to factor into child support payments.  Guess who is going to have to foot the bill towards an expensive divorce and might have already had children with him while totally ignorant of his behavior.  The only innocent party in this whole story.  Basically it’s like knowing that someone is going to get kicked in the stomach and not bothering to warn them because it’s just a “learning experience” for you.  If the author factors her own discomfort into whether or not to tell shes just adding a final selfish chapter onto a completely selfish story.

Meg
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 08:58 pm: [report]

@bumbler - You are totally right!

I had an experience similar to this. I had a one night stand with a guy who said he was single. I was rebounding, so I agreed to making a new friend with benefits. However, I wasn’t really interested in a relationship and neither was this guy.

Later I found out that he did have a girlfriend, and several other girls on the side. That didn’t really make me mad, but it made me think, “Why am I doing this anyway? This isn’t someone I really care about anyway.” So I broke it off, for myself and because these other women might care about him. Also it made me very sick because I was worried about getting STDs or pregnant! So I got tested and deleted his number.

I knew the girlfriend - not that well, but we had mutual friends - and I’d run into her every now and then. One night out, I had a few drinks and I told her. Everything. I actually liked her and she’d confided in me that she was in love with the guy. So I didn’t do it for me, I really felt bad for her. Because she could do so much better. And this guy was a real piece of work.

Needless to say she was very mad. She yelled and cursed. But then she admitted that she knew that he was stepping out on her. She then told me even more stories about him cheating and lying. She rationalized his behavior saying that he ‘was still dealing with his first heartbreak and still in love with that girl.’ And I think she honestly believed she could change him. Anyways, she still hates me and ignores me to this day.

But they split up eventually, and for reasons not even related to me (like I said, this guy was a real piece of work!!). And now she’s happily married to another man with kids on the way.

I don’t know if what I did was right or wrong. I wonder if it makes a difference to the unaware girlfriend if her man has real feelings for the other woman or if it’s just sex?

I would want someone to tell me if my boyfriend was sleeping with another girl. Yeah I’d get mad, but that anger would mostly be directed at the guy, not her.

And to jsw, I don’t think these things should be secret unless there are kids involved and the incident was a one-time thing that the guy is willing to learn from.

But most of the time when you see a guy looking elsewhere for love, there’s something not quite right in the relationship. Sometimes guys cheat because they subconsciously want to get caught and dumped. Sometimes they need that wake up call to move on and find someone who really loves them. Or they simply don’t deserve the girlfriend. Either way, a cheating bastard usually stays a cheating bastard. They may say they’re going to leave her for you, but they never do. And when they do, it usually means they’re with you until they find another girl when they get tired of you. (This I know from a little experience and from friends who have been in the same situation).

And it only helps the female population to shun cheating bastards and tell each other about them. And it helps if both of you have had a couple drinks first. Be sure to ease into it, asking normal questions and showing somewhat genuine interest in her life. Ask why she wants to marry him. Ask if there are things that bug her about him? Include some little tidbits from your own experience about being suspicious that your boyfriend was cheating on you. And just play Diane Sawyer, be very sweet and understanding. She won’t be as angry if you deliver it right.

bumbler
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 09:14 pm: [report]

@Meg I think you definitely did the right thing even though you were as much a victim of this guy’s lies as the girlfriend was (unlike the author).  I’m sorry she wasn’t mature enough to handle the news but like you I would undoubtedly want to know.  I would be angry with those who knew and never told me, certainly not the person who was brave enough to let me know the truth.

eurolovex3
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 09:46 pm: [report]

oh god this happened to me.  i was studying abroad and met this cute italian guy, whose girlfriend was on vacation.  i had never met her so i didn’t think much of it when i hooked up with him one night.  a few weeks later, she came back and turned out to be really cool - we quickly became friends. 
so now i was faced with the problem of telling one of my friends that i slept with her boyfriend, except that she wasn’t my friend when it happened.  if she had been, i wouldn’t have done it.  i decided not to tell her because i figured she would either not believe me and hate me for trying to ruin their relationship, or get mad at me for being the other woman.  a couple months later he screwed up again and they broke up anyway…
maybe i should have told her right away to save her those months of being with a cheater, or maybe i was just being selfish trying to keep her as a friend :/  i still haven’t found an answer…

Luckystar220
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:02 am: [report]

@euro honestly I think you knew the answer. Not to be a ass or anything but you knew he had a girlfriend and yet still slept with him you share the same about of responsibility to the to infidelity as he does. When you do something wrong you own up to it and suffer the punishment. You knew what you could have done but choose not to to save yourself.

Kurkuma
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 06:15 am: [report]

I did tell her.
And the douchbag told me, he was single.
She left him. I left him.
I never regretted telling her

ladylawyer
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:43 am: [report]

I have been on both sides of this.

When I was married I caught my husband. With one of our best friends. Later I learned it had been going on for years.  At his insistence, I had even hosted large parties for her and her husband. I felt like an idiot. Frankly, it would have saved me a great deal of pain and public humiliation to have been told. (As a footnote, her husband is still the only one in town that does not know.)

Ironicially, two years later I found myself dating someone that I believed was seperated. Karma being what it is, I knew his wife.Subsequently, I learned he lied to me. Two days before hsi wife found my number on his phone and called and confronted me.

My advice? If there are children stay out of it. If not, tell her.  Please consider that in both of these situations, I somehow became the person responsible for breaking the marriages.  I should have understood that men sometimes can’t help who they love. (This was my husband’s explanation as he cried because he was missing his friend so much.) And I tempted a married man. (Forget that every call on his phone was to - not from - me.)

lovelie
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]

While I normally refrain from commenting here, I thought this post warranted a comment.  I have been the “Elise” in this situation, and things may have been different had someone stepped forward and given me a heads up.  I was with my bf for 5 years, and I found out (through him) that he had been cheating on me with some random.  The only reason he decided to man up and tell me though, was because he had gotten her pregnant and there was really no other way to get around that.  Well, I immediately broke up with him upon hearing this news, and I transferred to a school out of state just to get away from all of it.  Well a month after I moved, I found out I had an STD.  Bottom line, the pain of his infidelity was one thing, but now that my health had been intertwined with his bad judgment, I felt like he left me without any recourse.  I immediately reported him to the state health board, and his life become quite miserable after that.  Whatever your intentions may be contacting Elise, you at least owe her this much…her health.  Luckily, I had a very curable STD, but it is a chapter in my life that could have had a much darker ending.

Erin G
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]

Now here’s a question:

I was once at a party where I met an overall awesome guy who seemed to be very in to me. We made out, groped a bit over clothes, and he offered to have me over at his place (we all know what that means—I declined but only because I was on my period).

I go to friend him on Facebook, only to see that he was “In a Relationship with ________” and pictures of them being cutesy going back 2+ years.

I didn’t tell the girl, because I knew that my only honest modivation was that I was pissed off at him, and I didn’t want to “do the right thing for the wrong reasons”. Two months later, they broke up.

Should I have told her about what happened when it did? Because for all intents and purposes, he WANTED to sleep with me, he INTENDED to sleep with me.

onewriter
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]

I know a guy is bad news…sent ME naked pix when he’s GOT a gf…she’s one of my best friends!  But although I saved them on my computer…just in case she needs them, I’ve TRIED telling her to think about what she’s doing (living 3000miles away from home with him in a separate country when she’s not even divorced yet) but she’d never believe me that he’s bad news and the pix might rip US apart…so..I say nothing.  (sigh)  As for this chick?  Say something.

ktelle
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]

I WISH that someone had told me. Yes, when first told I probably would have been furious at the woman and potentially taken it out on her. But it wouldn’t have taken me long to connect the dots and start to see the red flags that had been staring me in the face for so long (which I conveniently ignored)

And what is with this attitude of “if you do it once, don’t tell since it’ll only hurt them”. Really? Sounds to me like that’s just excusing yourself for doing it and getting away without consequences. Part of a relationship is honesty and openess… even if it means admitting a wrong that could potentially end it.

lcollins
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]

I say TELL HER!!!!! This is no BOY that should be married he is only going to break her heart, if not now then later…maybe even when they have a child. She may not believe you to start with but you do have proof from the text messages. You should/need to do the right thing. You started that by not getting together since he is getting married, now you should finish it by telling her. I hope you still have the messages that he sent you so you can show her. Either way it is a messed up situation to be. But, I hope you learned from this and will not be the other women again.

ktlc
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 02:56 pm: [report]

if you do tell her, be prepared to deal if she doesn’t believe you or (worse) if she chooses to look past it and be with him anyway. i told my ex-BF’s new girlfriend we were still sleeping together and she forgave him. a bunch of people we both knew ended up thinking i was really lame for sleeping with him still. so watch out…. you may not want ANYONE to know.

Secret Story Time
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]

The other woman always wants to talk.  She needs to validate her own worth, and take some of the pressure off.  If she could, the other woman would love to have deep converstaion with the wife, to talk her out of her husband.  Other women want to know that the wife caused the infidelity too, not she herself, a need to be free from the guilt of the marriage erosion is big from her.
Also the other woman feels a need to compare herself physically to the wife, in order to feel superior, beautiful, desirable, and somehow better.

Secretia

Nora
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:39 pm: [report]

No, I don’t think you should tell her. I’ve been the other woman as well, but in my case she eventually found out and dumped him. Elise will find out eventually as well, but it is not your business to get in the middle of that. When you’re single you can do what (or who technically) you want. HE is the one with the girlfriend, he is the one with the obligations, and he should definatly be the one to tell her. His relationship is his business.

tttongue_tied
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:10 pm: [report]

Treat others how you would want to be treated. Right? Would you want to know about your d-bag boyfriend?

Ask yourself that and then do to Elise what you would want her to do to you if you were in her shoes.

SatomiRoberts
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:17 pm: [report]

Tell her. Why? Because I was the “Elise” in a situation, though it was pretty different since she pulled down my boyfriend’s pants at a party while he was passed out. But still. I found out later that she had a threesome with this girl I knew and she had gotten an STD from that girl. This whole incident happened a year ago and I’m still with my bf and have never regretted it, especially since he drove 2 hrs the next day to tell me what happened in person. But was I pissed as hell when I realized I may have an STD since my bf and I had started to sleep together a few months after the incident? HELL YES. The only reason I didn’t track the bi*ch down is because she has two children.

Like some others are saying, regardless of your intentions, you fuc*ed up and you OWE her big-time. She may get an STD from you or whoever and this whole “oh someone will eventually tell her” may end up ruining her life when she was the victim, not you. plus if she does find out, who says she won’t hunt your a$$ down?

I’m glad you’ve realized your mistake, though you should have realized it so much sooner. Just send an email or a letter, then completely break away from them. She can do whatever she likes with that info, but the only way to really make amends for your crappy mistake is to be honest with her and move on.

and to all of those saying not to tell her cause she’ll find out eventually, you make me SICK. you’re just as bad as this author. that’s the reason why there’s an STD epidemic in this country, especially in high schools and colleges. you may not be spreading them, but if you refuse to stop them then you’re just as guilty. shame on you.

thenemilyreplied
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]

I would tell, because I know I would want to know if I were in Elise’s shoes. I can’t believe that most girls don’t believe their mate would/could cheat on them. Maybe have some ‘evidence’ if possible. Or maybe describe something in detail that you wouldn’t be able to know. (Like the color and style of the sheets? Hahah)

muzician
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:41 pm: [report]

I think you should tell her because a)she deserves to know what a jerk she’s about to commit to and b) your conscience won’t let it go. good luck!

LOCI
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:36 pm: [report]

I think she for sure deserve to know but I seriously doubt she’s going to listen if it comes from you. I’ve been in your situation before and I wanted to tell “Elise” but there was no way to do so without my looking like a homewrecking slut, so I didn’t.

Depending on the guy’s personality, you can always threaten to tell her yourself if he doesn’t, that may do the trick of getting her informed and candidly the threat offers a little payback for the H*LL he’s put you through.

Erin G
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 08:22 am: [report]

Why am I getting the impression that everyone is using the “there’s a risk of STDs!!!” justification (excuse?) as their main reasoning for telling the girlfriend in all situations?

What ever happened to just being concerned for the girlfriend after you’ve done the deed (with or without knowledge of the relationship) just for the sake of her mental, emotional, personal, etc. wellbeing? I think taking the “STD platform” as the only, or only major reason to tell, is a little altruistic and a too-easy soapbox.

(What I’ve said excludes anyone who has actually caught an STD from a cheater, of course. Personal experience trumps altruism.)

Erin G
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 08:27 am: [report]

@ Secret Story Time

Hahaha! I thought the same thing. That is so true in so many cases.

That being said, I’d likely still tell. But maybe because I know I’d be a bitter b*tch that I didn’t actually find a good man, and would want to take someone down with me, make someone else just as miserable.

(NOTE: Apparently my sarcasm is going above some people’s head [see female-on-male abuse article on this site] so let me make it clear that while this is sarcastic….sh*t, its probably true.)

CJ1432
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 05:44 pm: [report]

You can tell her, but she probably won’t believe you.  A situation like this happened to my best guy friend but he was the one being cheated on.  The guy who his GF was hooking up with spilled the beans at a party to one of my girlfriends.  She wanted to tell my friend but didn’t know how, she didn’t want to get in the middle.  So I told my friend without mentioning her name.  He believed me at first and then he talked to his GF and the other guy.  They slammed my friend, said she was lying and made the whole thing up.  He choose to believe them.  He ended up marrying her. Last month he filed for divorce.  He had to see it for himself to believe it.

lizaedith
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 07:10 am: [report]

Tell her. I have been on Elise’s end and I know it may seem that she may not beleive you?!
But at least telling her will up her radar and question any strange behavior from that deceitful little boy she’s with. At the end,the decision will be hers to make.
As for you, you may end up yourself on the other side in a future relationship,only then will you know what it feels like to be ‘that boring’ girlfriend?

Cheaters never win! See how you feel now…....?

LE

kl564063
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 07:30 am: [report]

So here’s the thing…
I’ve never actually been the other woman, never actually slept with someone who is taken. BUT I’ve come close and in my experience this is the real scenario.
Of course you want to tell her, possibly prevent her from making a huge mistake, or maybe just ease your own consience about being the other woman.  However, from what you said above, I am inclined to believe that you are most likely NOT the only “other woman” in this situation. Most people who cheat once will do it again ( I’ve actually never met a non-serial cheater)and from the sounds of it, this guy is most likely an expert.  So here’s the question: Can Elise honestly not know that this is going on?  She probably does know, but wont admit it to herself for fear of losing Marc or whatever else.  She honestly will probably not believe you if you do tell her, so I guess I’m in the don’t bother camp. Like CJ1432 said, if this person is blind enough to stay in such a bad relationship, they wont believe that their mate is a cheater until they see it for themself.

Black Iris
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]

I am very skeptical of the author’s motives here.  She was willing to sleep with a guy because his girlfriend was “boring.”  Worse, it sounds like she was hoping to break them up because she got mad when Marc said he wasn’t planning to end his relationship with Elise.

So I don’t think the author is a caring, compassionate person who wants to help her sisters.  I think the author is upset Marc used her for sex and wants to mess up his love relationship in revenge.

There are probably times when you should tell someone their lover is a cheater.  I don’t think this is one of them.

Gingee
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 04:18 pm: [report]

Qui bono?

Who benefits? 

As for being the Other Woman: No.  Marc and Elise were not married, and neither were you.

You shared a kiss, or something, to be more graphic, the two of you shed a few skin cells, and he moved on.

This is between Marc and Elise and you are out of the equation. 

Let’s say that you tell Elise, with Marc there, and she does not believe you?  What have you accomplished, except to draw them together to fight off a common enemy:  You.

Buck up.  Move on.

Chris K
wrote on October 25 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]

lea322 +1 (The comment starting “People, the writer of the article effed up…”

She deserves to know. Saying she’ll find out herself is cruel, considering the way she might end up finding out.

How she takes the info is up to her.

paradise37
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]

First of all we all make mistakes, but as far as you telling her…I don’t think there’s much to tell…u knew what were his circumstances, n yet you obliged to his callings…I say let it go and move on..Remember every DOG has its DAY, and he will! but don’t let it b you to crush that woman’s heart..she will in time find out his real Nature..bcause he sounds like a pure PERVERT…N People like that eventually slack up. Let the River Run its Course, n u follow urs away from that degrading Nightmare.Hopefully u my dear have learned ur lesson…NEVER TAKE NAKED PICTURES OF URSELF UNLESS UR LOOKING TO GET FAMOUS QUICK…OR SHOULD I SAY INFAMOUS!

grneyedbethy
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]

Poor naive elise??? seriously? She knows this man probably better than anyone else. She has made her decision to marry him. She doesnt need to hear it- she already knows i am sure. Dont tell her. It would only cause a big mess and clear your own guilty conscience. Keep your mouth shut… she definitely knows what she is getting herself into. She is a grown up.

VX967
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 01:27 am: [report]

Why all the drama?  Look you were horny got laid and that is that.  Is it some thing that if you are horny you cannot admit it to yourself.  A taken man is usually safer he won’t talk.
  Just stop the fantasy get real go out and get sex without the drama!

Mint
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 08:48 pm: [report]

Just ask for her number and forward her the text… end of story.

Mint
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 08:51 pm: [report]

I say “Tell her… tell her” if it wasn’t for my ex’s gf showing up at my door and telling me, I’d still be with that bum. Truth is important in life, it leads us to make the right decisions for ourselves. I’d rather know something painful then live with ignorance.