Girl Talk: I Got Married For Health Insurance
Posted by: Nona Willis Aronowitz
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Friday November 20th 2009
I’d never been one of those girls who’d dreamt about her perfect wedding. The virgin-white dress, the exorbitant costs, the fuss over a big, shiny rock—none of it ever appealed to me. I wanted to find a lifelong partner, and a family sounded nice, too, but honestly? I never cared much about that piece of paper. So why did I just marry my boyfriend after pondering it for a mere two hours? One (evidently all-too-common) reason: health insurance.
My now-husband is a bartender and a student whose school’s insurance is exorbitant. The man hadn’t gone to the doctor in years, living in fear of a major accident or illness. We had lived together for about eight months when I got a job as a reporter for a newspaper with a kick-ass medical plan. According to my job, a domestic partnership affidavit was standing in the way of my partner having awesome coverage and escaping $8000 worth of retroactive hospital bills. It was a no-brainer. Onto domestic partnership!
Problem is, the state of Illinois doesn’t let you get domestic partnership if you’re hetero. (“If they could, no one would get married!” the City Hall employee informed me smugly, as if 1) that fact was actually true and 2) rampant domestic partnerships would mean the end of the world.) Apparently you can’t be a part of the “system” if you’re queer, and you can’t opt out of the “system” if you’re straight. It started to seem so ridiculously arbitrary—and unfair! Did I really have to choose between leaving my honey vulnerable to unthinkable medical costs and a measly $50 certificate?
The choice was clear. We went ahead and got married. The weird thing wasn’t the actual City Hall wedding (it was actually sort of fun!), it was watching people react to the news. Some were angry—“How could you have gotten married without me there?” my best friend implored, crushed. Others were confused—“Really, Nona? I thought you weren’t into that sorta stuff.”
But the most common reaction was voyeuristic elation—from everyone, even my long-lost elementary school friends on Facebook. It was like I had become part of some coveted club, or even a higher-class citizen. I understood more than ever why gay marriage was such a big deal. I also started to get why people become so wrapped up in weddings. It’s your moment. All eyes are on you. Suddenly, everybody loves you!
Mine is a situation that’s left me contemplating my principles. By getting insurance-married on the fly, did I “give in” or did I give tradition the finger? Maybe a little bit of both? I have nothing against weddings—nothing’s better than a celebration of love—and if my husband and I decide to get married “for real,” I’m sure we’ll have an epic one. But the government certificate thing has always made me indignant, especially nowadays when the health insurance crisis looms large. Why should one be able to have health insurance more easily because they happen to be heterosexual? Or, for that matter, if they believe in the institution of marriage enough to support it?
Either way, our shotgun wedding was just as much of a gesture of love as anything else. People get married for a lot worse reasons than ensuring their loved one’s health, safety, and peace of mind. And at the very least, now I know my vow of “in sickness and in health” is backed up by a PPO insurance plan.
[Photo: iStockphoto]
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
SueSue
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 10:12 am: [report]
I always joke about marrying my boyfriend for the benefit of free education…you can’t put a price tag on that!
Here in NY, it depends, some employers will allow heterosexuals to apply for domestic partnership and just prove they live together, others only allow homosexuals that benefit. I think heterosexuals should be allowed to have domestic partnerships, but I also think homosexuals should be allowed to marry. But what the hell do I know, right?
powplz
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]
Awesome article. I say work the system (legally, of course) to get what you want - in your case, what you wanted was to take care of the person you loved.
I have a coworker who, after sitting throuh our open enrollment meeting, told me that he and his wife will probably be legally separating within the next year because they can’t afford insurance for her between a single income and skyrocketing premiums for coverage that isn’t even that good to begin with (she was pushed out of a job with good benefits after having a heart attack, not sure if the two things are related).
I think it’s sad that they have to do that, but I’m glad there’s at least a way for them to work things out so that he doesn’t have to watch his wife suffer without medical care.
bogart4017
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 10:37 am: [report]
Nothing new. Women havae been marrying for “stability” since before my time. No apologies necessary.
BettyS
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
bogart4017—true, although this woman got married for her HUSBAND’S stability, not the other way around, which is surely a (relatively) new twist.
retro chic
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
@bogart, not really sure what you’re saying: women aren’t viable or stable before marriage? Maybe some in former generations. Most now are mobile on their career paths or are at least working f/t, many of which are cohabiting with their fiancés before a wedding. This is just capitalizing on the benefits of these unions until more laws support domestic partnerships.
Also, I knew several couples over the years that, when considering divorce, delayed it (for 10 years) since the husbands who were self-employed and had health issues, were dependent on their wives’ insurance. We need to balance perspectives here.
apsutter
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]
I think this is one of the most self-less reasons to get married. They both love each other and had been together for a long time. The writer didnt really believe in marriage but was willing to do it for the health and safety of her husband. It’s better than people who have been dating for 8 months and get married because they are either getting desperate or just want to show off with a fancy ceremony. I wish all heteros could receive domestic partnerships b/c my boyfriend and I have lived together for 4 years and have no immediate plans to wed. I live in PA which used to have common law marriages (not sure if they still do) but I think you have to be together for 10 years.
canthelpmyself
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
not sure why you refer to it as a “shotgun wedding”- considering that would mean that you are pregnant…
fallonthecity
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
@bogart4017: I’m not sure what you’re saying, either. The author explained that she got married so her boyfriend could be on her health insurance… so, didn’t she marry for the sake of his stability?
Raugiel
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 02:20 pm: [report]
My insurance company only wants a statement from me that my BF is a domestic partner (they don’t care if you have a licence, so long as you pick ONE person), but if I didn’t have that on my side, I’d have married him to give him insurance years ago. As it is, I am happy that we will get to it when we really want to get to it, instead of having to because of health and finance reasons.
powplz
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]
Ya’ll are lucky - my employer wanted to see all sorts of financial and legal entanglements in place for at least 12 months (in addition to living together at least that long) prior to an open enrollment or a qualifying event.
Not only did my benefits manager talk down to me and belittle my relationship when I tried to find out if I could put in on my plan vai the domestic partnership, but it turned out to be so expensive that we couldn’t afford to cover him under my plan even if qualifying wasn’t an issue.
powplz
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 02:27 pm: [report]
*put him on my plan via. ugh.
Humble Bee
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 02:56 pm: [report]
I can’t disagree with this more! My friend is doing the exact same thing except she wants her bf to get a green card and social security. I was so one- sided about it, I felt upset that the reason she’s doing it is for his benefit. she’s only been dating the guy for a month! Marriage is supposed to be forever, it completely looses its meaning. THEN she got me even more pissed because she is doing it this Monday which is my 21st b-day. This is my best friend, we had big plans to hang out, but I know she’s doing it to spite me, so it can be “her special day” she looooves the attention she gets when people react to her saying she is getting married in 2 days. I know her intentions are to come to my party and celebrate her “Marriage” and everyone forget its my b-day… that ho bag.
At least you guys are in love, she just pretends to be, its so sad.
powplz
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
@HumbleBee - may I suggest that you pick a venue for your b-day and *ooops* forget to mention to her where it is? An attention-seeking beotch took up a bunch of attention on my 21st (not that I’m even into being the center of attention), but if you can avoid having someone drain the fun out of what’s supposed to be a good time, I would recommend doing so. Doesn’t sound like a very good friend, hun :\
Humble Bee
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 03:34 pm: [report]
Thanks Joyy!
She had me thinking all night, and that’s the very conclusion I came up with. She is just a frenemy, not someone I want to be close friends with anymore. I am the same, I don’t even want ALL the attention, I just don’t want her to be mentioning her wedding, and “how happy she is” every 5 minutes of my b-day. All I ask for is one day to celebrate, everyone gets that day once a year! I don’t see why she is being such a brat. Like you said, she is just an attention seeking beotch, it is what it is! Its funny because she kept asking me, “Are you sure it’s OK?”, “your not mad?” “I know its your big day, but its ok, right?” I just kept saying “do what you want, I’m an adult, and so are you,” I even commented “if you feel its right, go for it”, I’ve just been ignoring her these past 2 days. I dont want to hear her drama. Thanks again.
majicksand
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 04:30 pm: [report]
@humble bee: I completely understand your fear. A woman I thought was one of my closest friends felt the need to bring my ex to my 35th birthday party (that she organized) a month after he and I split. He and I had been together for 10 years. The worst part is that she had begged me to let her throw the party in the first place.
I am no longer friends with her.
As for the article, I’m always happy for people when they are getting what they want out of their lives. I do, however, have reservations about people getting married when they are taking that step for reasons of convenience.
Marriage is a huge committment in many ways, not the least of which is financial. A couple should be fully prepared for that committment considering the devastating consequences if something goes wrong.
Good luck. I hope the two of you are very happy.
stilllovernr
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 07:06 pm: [report]
I wanted to marry my boyfriend of over 4 years once I decided to go back and finish my degree. He has great (and inexpensive) health insurance, and as a student, I either had to suffer from the crappy coverage and high premiums of individual plans, or pay over $2K out of pocket for the year just to be covered at all.
Yeah, he didn’t think that was so romantic. But I would have done it in a heartbeat.
Nimh
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 08:23 pm: [report]
I keep telling my boyfriend that we need to get married so I can enjoy his health insurance. Mine isn’t very good and I’m constantly being stuck with huge bills, whereas his is really freakin’ good.
Just today, I stayed home from work (horrible night last night) and completely forgot that today was the last day to sign up for health benefits (of course I waited until…the last day). Thankfully they are granting me an extension until Monday…otherwise I’d be doing this precise thing: Getting myself an “emergency wedding” so that I can be covered by some insurance.
Like you, I never really gave marriage a huge deal of thought. I actually thought that women who had dreamt of their weddings since they were a little girl were fallacies (I’d never known any…until just recently). It always seemed so…silly. Despite that, I think I might be disappointed if I had to do a quick wedding for insurance. I’ve been with my current beau for 6 1/2 years, we’re working on getting a house together…so…the whole marriage thing is starting to loom larger in perspective and I’ve now become that “if I get married I’ll have…” kinda girls.
BlueVibe
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 02:15 pm: [report]
I’ve known plenty of people who got married for health insurance, with or without public weddings later.
Personally, I’m for domestic partnerships for everybody, and if they want to have it ratified by the religious body of their choice later, fine. But not required. One legal standard for all of us, gay or straight.
elansdale
wrote on November 28 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
I loved this article. I did the same thing after dating my former boyfriend for three years. He was an international student and could not stay in the country unless we got married. So, on a whim I said, “Hey, lets get married the day before my birthday in Tahoe?” (This was a couple days before). This was in 2004 and I never regretted it.
bogart4017
wrote on December 4 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]
@retrochic—all i was saying was its a time old story.
Black Iris
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]
To be a little contrary here, I don’t think heterosexual partners should be able to get health insurance without getting married. Marriage is a way to say that you plan on trying to stay together forever. Because of that promise, the community at large does things to support the two of you. They invest in you in a way that they don’t want to do for a couple who is not planning to stay together. You get more rights because you are making a commitment.
In an ideal world, nobody would get health benefits unless they were married. Unfortunately, gay couples aren’t allowed to get married, only “domestic partnered.” They need to be able to get health insurance, so it is very, very fair.
Black Iris
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
I just wanted to add - paying for health insurance costs employers tons of money. They are not the bad guys. They shouldn’t have to pay out for people who aren’t fully committed to each other.
There’s nothing wrong with not being ready to be married, you just shouldn’t expect to have the benefits of marriage without the rest of the package.
imrach
wrote on December 12 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
BlackIris- why should society “look out for” married persons any more than single people? Does getting married make you a better person? More deserving of basic things like medical care?
I’m happy that many people find happiness in marriage and commitment, but the widespread belief in granting special privileges simply because two people made a (legally retractable) “promise” to each other is ludicrous and only encourages people to wed for what marriage proponents would say are the “wrong” reasons.
Really, think about it.