Girl Talk: I Fantasize About Other Men
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Wednesday January 7th 2009
Look, I like being in a relationship, I really do. I especially love being in a live-in relationship. I like that my boyfriend and I cook dinner together, how Sunday mornings are never lonely, and I’ve always got a travel partner and someone to see movies with. More than just being in a relationship, I love the person I’m in a relationship with. My boyfriend’s one of the kindest, funniest, most generous people I know, and I have more fun with him than anyone else. Yet, I can’t stop fantasizing about other men.
There’s no specific man I’m fantasizing about. There’s not some guy I see on the train, at the local coffee shop, or in passing on the street who occupies my thoughts. There’s not even a celebrity I’m currently crushing on, or an ex I can’t stop thinking about. It’s the idea of a different guy I can’t seem to shake—the idea of someone new, someone with whom I could experience that initial rush of attraction and intrigue.
My imaginary guy is smart and attractive and sexy. Maybe I meet him at a party, and from across the room, our eyes meet and there’s a connection—it’s palpable. In my imagination, a number of different scenarios play out from there. Sometimes we turn our separate ways and never speak to each other; sometimes we make-out on a balcony and exchange numbers before parting; and other times we end up dating, meeting in dark jazz clubs on weekend nights and sharing cabs home to his place or mine.
I feel a little guilty admitting this, like I’m betraying my boyfriend somehow, and I hope it doesn’t come across that way. It’s not that I’m tired of being in my relationship; ours in the happiest, healthiest one I’ve ever experienced. But after nearly three years with the same person, sometimes I yearn for the thrill of a first date, the excitement of meeting someone new, feeling sparks and heat, imagining all sorts of future scenarios.
Of course, I imagine future scenarios with my boyfriend, too. I think about future trips together, getting married, having babies, growing old together … and maybe that’s the problem. Those images don’t belong to me and only me; we share them, we talk about them together, we have a collaborative idea of how those scenarios will play out. It’s different when you’ve just met someone, and everything about the other person is still a mystery, every new thing you learn is cataloged in a file that helps you figure out whether he’s right for you, whether you’d ever want to have shared ideas of your future together one day. In the beginning, everything belongs to you.
Maybe it’s not a new, different guy I fantasize about, after all. Perhaps what I’m yearning for is to have no idea how my life might turn out. Maybe what I miss is the possibility that around the next corner lurks my future husband and an entire life I haven’t even begun to plan out. I know it’s silly to think life can’t be full of surprises after one settles down with one person, but when you start planning things like marriage, kids, and where you want to raise your family, the idea that your life could make a complete, unplanned 180 degree turn at any moment does seem less plausible. Possible, sure, but short of a windfall of cash, death, or some other circumstance, not entirely likely.
I’m not sure how to reconcile these feelings. Maybe there isn’t a way, really. When I was single, all I thought about was having the kind of relationship I’ve got now, so maybe the answer is accepting that there’s always going to be a patch or two on the other side of the grass that seems greener. Besides, what’s the harm in fantasizing about a few imaginary men?
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vanya
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
I don’t think there is anything to feel guilty or bad about. He probably fantasizes about other women from time-to-time, too.
Humble Bee
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
I think it’s seriously normal and healthy to fantasize about others. Men do it all the time when buying naked chick calendars and whatnot. Us women just feel more guilty admitting it because we think its some form of cheating. Fantasizing is in no way cheating or betraying, it’s a sign of control, you can control your emotions so that you never have to cheat, you just think about it, and voila, satisfaction. I know i have never cheated on someone, BUT I have fantasized about other men and I think my bf would much rather me fantasize than go out and actually go do it with someone else. Your rigt about it not being anyone in particular, sometimes I just fantasize about someone else’s penis, not even a face. haha.
Lyz
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]
The thing is. Life is unpredictable. And around the corner there is a whole new life you never dreamed of. You think that being in a long term relationship means your life is mapped out and its just coasting from here on out, but nothing could be further from the truth. It just brings new challenges and new excitements and a whole new twist to your life story. Maybe the fantasies are because what is coming isn’t familiar, while the chase of a new guy is.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]
Lyz, that’s an interesting way of looking at it. I hadn’t thought of it like that exactly.
Lynn
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
I think it’s a grass-is-greener thing, definitely. After every breakup, amid the sorrow and the heartbreak and the giving his CDs back, there’s also a rush of excitement and uncertainty. It’s exhilarating. Your life is a choose-your-own-adventure game again. There’s no shame in missing that. You just have to be sure that the shared dreams you have with your man are worth the trade-off. I assume it is.
Holly Page
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 06:07 pm: [report]
You make an insightful point when you say that in fantasy, “everything belongs to you.” When fantasizing about others, often that person represents some one-dimensional thing that I’m looking for in that particular moment. It is non-threatening to your relationship precisely because it’s not real; your fantasy is likely a version of yourself that’s hidden.
hawaiianpeach
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 08:16 pm: [report]
Fantasizing is not doing. It’s a healthy alternative to keeping a good thing going. ROck on BaBy… save the guilt trip for someone who deserves it.
Fran
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 10:06 pm: [report]
I’ve also been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I’m going through the exact same thing. It is inevitable for me to fantasize about other men… sometimes friends, people from school, strangers, etc. But I know I would never give up the relationship I have right now… it’s a little frustrating sometimes, but I guess it’s just part of the sacrifice you have to ake when you decide to commit to someone.
Chelle
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 07:41 am: [report]
I think fatasizing about imaginary men is harmless. You can’t cheat on or leave your man for someone who doesn’t exist. It can be dangerous to fantasize about someone attainable. My boyfriend and I were going through a rough patch (okay, he was being an a-hole) and I started fantasizing about my super-hot friend. I told him about our problems and I would be lying if I said he didn’t influence my decision to break up with my man. Then I acted out the fantasy. I realized a few months later that I was still in love with my then ex and got back with him. Even though this guy was a lot hotter (and good fantasy material) there was no feeling there. Nothing can beat true love
MegKat
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 11:59 am: [report]
I wonder if part of this is the whole Disney and shining knight scenario many of us were raised on. One day Sleeping Beauty is out in the woods singing and she meets the exciting prince who will rescue her. Later, he literally saves her from sleeping the rest of her life away with true love’s kiss. Princess Jasmine is bored with her life in the castle and the unsuitable men who seek her hand in marriage. Aladdin shows her a whole new world. The idea that we need a man to come into our lives and bring new experiences and excitement, because we are trapped in our everyday lives; instead of having an adventure on our own. Ok, that’s my Disney rant for the day.
PL
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]
I’ve also just past the three-year mark and have been thinking about this for a little while now. Over Christmas break I found an old journal in an old box at my parents’ place and rediscovered past exes in its pages. It wasn’t even the exes themselves that I fantasized about, but like you said, the rush of something new and exciting. It made me feel guilty to think that I would long for something or someone else when I have something so great already. Thanks for the article, I’m finding it and the subsequent comments to be really helpful.
lilo
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 07:20 pm: [report]
The fantasy is okay, normal, and healthy. Doing something about it, not so much
aries3_04
wrote on January 10 2009 @ 05:59 pm: [report]
I actually had a guy approach me who I frequently see at one of my favorite stores (I said no of course). I have to agree with PL, it was the thrill of being asked out (since I’m in a relationship, that whole ‘dating scene’ excitement is no more) and talking to someone else for once that got me. Yes, he is fine and I think about him every now and again, but I don’t have an emotional thing with him, like I do my boyfriend. The only issues I have is when I wish my boyfriend could look like this other guy (and then I have to distract myself and ‘fall in love again’ with my man).
vcovert
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 07:33 am: [report]
What about if I’m just coming up on 4 months with my guy, and have the best relationship I could have ever imagined, and then a month ago, I met this guy who works in my building, and can’t stop thinking about him and trying to run into him…? What is that?