I Dated The Real Don Draper

Girl Talk: I Dated The Real Don Draper

Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry Filed in: relationships
9:00AM, Friday August 7th 2009

There’s no question that I find Don Draper sexy. If I lived in “Mad Men” land for a day, I would totally screw him on his Sterling-Cooper purchased desk. In real life? Not so much. At least not anymore.

What makes Don Draper so drool-worthy on screen does not translate in real life. Actually, certain things do translate—tall, dark and handsome is still tall, dark, and handsome in the real world. But that aloof, secretive, and calculating personality that seduces his onscreen paramours and the show’s viewers? Total bitch to actually live with. Don Draper is written as an extremely complicated and deeply flawed man who does some awful things, like cheating repeatedly on his wife Betty and using information he gleans from her therapist to manipulate her. But the reasons and motivations behind his douchebaggery are slowly being revealed with each new episode. As with any TV show or movie, we itch to know what possesses someone to do the things he does, and we expect that writers as glorious as the ones behind “Mad Men” will eventually lead us to deep understanding of who Don Draper is and how he will evolve into a better man. In real life, such life-changing revelations don’t always come.

I dated a Don Draper type for years. There were superficial similarities, like that they both worked in similar industries (just decades apart) and had a knack for always being “on.” Guys like Don Draper are great at their jobs for a multitude of reasons, but one of them is that they present themselves as calm, collected, and unmoved by the opinions and emotions of others. In a business situation this comes across as professional, confident, and reassuring to the client that the task at hand will be accomplished flawlessly. In a real-life romantic relationship, the refusal or inability to “turn it off” can be frustrating and painful for the other person involved. At the same time, being one of the few who is able to get past the facade feels powerful. When you’re in love, having that power only makes you feel even more special.

There are reasons why Don’s wall is so high and impenetrable. Knowing those reasons—or at least some of them—makes viewers sympathetic to him. There’s an abused boy beneath that tough exterior! A man with secrets so big, he has to hide behind a wall all of the time. Betty Draper may not know Don’s secrets, but they do share a bond he doesn’t have with other people. The women he cheats with? They don’t know him at all and they don’t have the ability or even the interest in seeing something deeper like Betty does. They’re not threatening to his persona, but she is. These are, of course, just excuses for his bad behavior that should never fly in real life. My ex had his own reasons for presenting a facade, for not letting anyone get too close, for acting like an ass; some he shared, some I figured out, but all made me want to stay with him.

I don’t know if my Draper-esque ex cheated—though I suspect he did—but I do think he broke up with me because I was a threat. I saw something deeper that was fragile but wonderful, and I wanted more of it. It was enough to make me overlook the utter douchebaggery of his outward persona. Similarly, Don Draper gives viewers plenty to love and root for, like his support of Peggy Olson, his disinterest in Pete Campbell’s brown-nosing, his delivery of that Kodak pitch in the first season, and that punch he landed on Jimmy Barrett’s jaw. Like Tony Soprano before him, the behavior that would be massively unacceptable in real life is sometimes dwarfed by his acts of kindness, loyalty, and strength.

That’s why I (and I think lots of other women) mostly love—and sometimes hate—Don Draper. In the coming season—which starts August 16—I’m sure we’ll see more cracks in Don Draper’s facade, and it should be compelling and exciting to watch. But in real life, with a real Don Draper, I could only do so much. I made as many cracks as I could, but they repaired themselves and I wasn’t able to get close enough to try again. In retrospect, thank God. That’s why I’ll give my attention to Don Draper once a week, from the comfort of my couch, but never again in real life.

comments

Shasta
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 08:17 am: [report]

The brilliant Mad Men writers perfectly convey the complexity of the Human Condition. Most of us subconsiously realize this, which is why Don Draper is so compelling.

All Good or All Bad rarely exists, and when we find it, we find it uninteresting.

This Human Complexity is what makes relationships so difficult,what makes us drawn to the bad boy, and why it takes we women a while to figure how much we’re willing to put up with.

The perfect example is Bill Clinton.

I love Mad Men so much.

java82
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 08:27 am: [report]

Here’s a link to the woman who amrried the real Don Draper. (Not as hot as Mr. Hamm, though.)

http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/August-2009/I-Married-a-Mad-Man/index.php?cparticle=1&siarticle=0

unbounded
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 08:50 am: [report]

I dated a Don Draper-like man as well….turned out he was a narcissist. That’s the trouble with those types of guys - we may think there is something fragile and wonderful deep inside them that we are getting closer to discovering and nurturing, and that accounts for our staying with complete #&@$%, but in the end the defenses these men have developed to hide their deep, deep pain are too great for anyone to penetrate. That goodness we see inside them becomes yet another tool for them to keep the flow of attention and love coming needed to maintain their sense of self - except that they end up despising the person they rely on (because masters of the universe should not have to rely or depend on anyone!!! Mwah ha ha ha). Vicious cycle.

Or maybe that was just my experience….

Kate2009
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 11:35 pm: [report]

Men like the Don Draper character pretend to be sophisticated but ultimately can only handle simple women. Someone easy to deal with. Guys like that have no interest in making an effort to meet your needs. They love the challenge of getting you to satisfy them but have no interest in satifying you.

retro chic
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 11:58 pm: [report]

Good observation, but, uh… isn’t that the point of the other/dark side of the “Mad” in the Mad Men (Madison Avenue) title? Jekyll and Hyde types, more subtle but as dangerous ‘cause of the outward appearance of “normalcy” in his family-man lifestyle. Large and in charge by day – disconnected and elusive by night.

I think part of the allure for me is not just about Don Draper, but the multi-dimensional adult character writing itself. We’ve all (or most) been haunted by a Don Draper in our lives. Never again. But, hey, I don’t ever recall saying I want to *marry* Don, oh no – just have my way with him.

I 100% agree with your comment, @unbounded, but, you kindly give some of them too much credit… most narcissists aren’t capable of feeling beyond a certain shallow level, pain or no pain, ie, ain’t no layers (visible to the naked human heart, that is).

Kate2009
wrote on August 8 2009 @ 09:47 am: [report]

@retro chic, your last comment, SO TRUE.

retro chic
wrote on August 8 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]

@Kate2009, likewise, so true about surrounding themselves with “simple” women who don’t know better, are damaged, and grateful for the honor. No self-assured sophisticated woman expecting satisfaction would tolerate it.

Kai29
wrote on August 8 2009 @ 05:12 pm: [report]

Unbounded- I agree with you 100% My huge mistake was that I married a Don Draper (we are now divorced). But I’m currently involved with someone who has similar qualities. I find myself attracted to men that I have to “figure out”. I should just read a mystery novels instead.

Tart and Soul
wrote on August 10 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]

Hmm, I’d disagree that the women Don sleeps with know nothing about him, and vice versa. The only times Don seems remotely vulnerable, the only times he seems tempted to reveal his depths and seek intimacy, are with his lovers. He seems to respect and feel kinship with the women he has on the side, more than his wife or anyone else in his life.

Unfortunately, I think this is often the case. Mistresses, prostitutes - these are the women who too often see the more “real” side of powerful yet complicated men. He projects an image to everyone else, including his official partner sometimes.

The wife has him in the home, but can never have his soul, the mistress has his soul but can’t keep him with her. Anyway, everyone loses…except Don!