Girl Talk: How To Avoid Dating An Abusive Freak
Posted by: Judy McGuire
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Friday January 2nd 2009
The first thing anyone asks a battered woman is, “why did you put up with that?” Domestic violence is the only crime I can think of—well, besides rape—where the victim is treated as complicit in her own abuse.
This is why I rarely talk about my two-year relationship with a batterer. I wasn’t a housewife with no resources, I was a teenager and he was my first boyfriend. He beat me, raped me and stalked me. After I escaped, it was years before I told anyone what I’d been through because I was so ashamed. I still avoid the topic with those close to me.
What people don’t understand is that abusers don’t generally punch you in the face on the first date. If they did, nobody would ever go out with them twice. But there are some early warning signs—and as much as you might hate to admit it to yourself, the fact is, even a strong, smart, independent woman can find herself on the wrong end of the fist. Here are some behaviors to watch out for…
Too Close, Too Fast: After years of dating ambivalent men, it can be refreshing when a guy comes on strong. But if he’s declaring his undying love on your second date, you could be looking at trouble.
Green-Eyed Monster: Being peeved that you exchange occasional texts with an ex is one thing—throwing a shrieking tantrum because you’re spending the evening with your mom is a big fat red flag. My ex was jealous of my family, my favorite art teacher (an elderly gay man!), all of my friends, and my employers. After a while it became easier to avoid them than dealing with the drama that resulted from seeing them.
You’re Wearing THAT?!?: My mom screamed at me over my day-glo hair, but my boyfriend loathed my short skirts and fishnets (I was punk rawk!). His motto was, the baggier the better. And if I dared defy him, well, I still don’t like to talk abut that. So if your man constantly critiques your everyday outfits as “too slutty” it’s something you might want to worry about.
Control Freak: We’ve already discussed that the Potential Abuser wants to dress you, eliminate friends and family from your life—all in the name of “love.” So it probably seems repetitive to call him controlling, but believe me, it gets worse. My ex would call my after-school job and if I didn’t answer (which happened often), he would hang up on my boss and then call again a little while later, screaming accusations about my imaginary infidelities. When in reality, I’d just been waiting on customers.
Blame Game: Nothing is ever this dude’s fault. He lost his job because his boss is a jerk, he dropped out of school because the teachers had it in for him, and he gave you a black eye because you just wouldn’t shut up. Okay, that last one probably won’t come up for a while, but if you’re dating someone who’s always playing the victim, there’s a good chance he’ll one day become quite the opposite.
Now obviously there are jealous guys who’d never raise a hand to a woman and whiny victim types who’d sooner put their own eye out than hurt you. But if you’re dating someone who has one or more of these flaws, you might want to do a little digging. Because the number one predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he’s ever hit a woman before, chances are he’ll do it again.
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thegr8brownie
wrote on January 2 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
i always thought that too, “why are you with him”
and then she told me, she loved him. She wasn’t sure if it would hurt more to be with him, or without him. And when you think about it like that, its so much sadder.
But the point is, you can find someone to love who doesnt hit you.
kissmyhinE
wrote on January 2 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]
Very good article! I also think they do the greeneyed monster thing in reverse too…like trying to make you jealous by flirting and texting other women. They try to get you to become possessive of them so they can use a twinge of jealously on your part to put the lockdown on you later. Scary!
Rose
wrote on January 2 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
Great for you to post about this difficult topic. Please post a follow-up on what to do/how to help if you find yourself with an abuser.
Humble Bee
wrote on January 2 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]
My friend is currently in an abusive relationship, but it’s hard to help those people who don’t want to help themselves. What’s the point in me going and sticking up for her, if she’s just going to end up back with him??
Or when people try to keep it from their family, do they not understand that these are the only people who care and can actually help you. It’s like a vicious cycle, they just keep coming back whether it’s for the kids, or cause they “love” him. It must be very hard to get out of an abusive relationship… I’ve never been in one, therefore I can’t really conclude anything, I can only assume from what I’ve seen. This is a good post on staying aware of the signs, thanks.
Nick at Night
wrote on January 2 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
In an odd sort of way, being stuck in an abusive relationship seems to me to be similar to a drug addiction, or at least having a similar level of difficulty in leaving it behind.
Instead of just trying to be supportive and encouraging to a friend or loved one trapped in this situation, I wonder how effective it would be to stage an all out intervention—with the whole family and friends (or at least any friends the victim had prior to the abusive relationship) stepping in to put a stop to it.
Lynn
wrote on January 2 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]
I’m sorry for what happened to you - it must have taken courage to write this.
abbylyn
wrote on January 3 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]
Thank you for putting this out there.
alliecat
wrote on January 4 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
Thanks for posting this article. It shows real courage after being through it yourself.
joyy
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 09:37 am: [report]
Well put. My ex had this raging jealousy for a friend I wasn’t even close with - he even deleted the guy’s number from my phone! I never really put two and two together until he warned that I was pushing him to his breaking point (blame game), and if I actually pushed him over that (more blame!) he would lose it and have no control over what he did (why bother being responsible for your actions?) ... and he sure wouldn’t want me to go home with a black eye or a broken arm.
After that he told me he would call me when he wanted to see me (control!) and I told him that wasn’t going to happen because I was done. Weeks later I started connecting the dots for all the other weird scary stuff that had been going on and became really really happy that I got out when I did.
Afterwards, I was telling some friends of mine that he was too controlling, and their response was “uh, you think?” I asked why they never said anything to me and they said “You wouldn’t have listened eve if we did.” Which was true. But I really wish they would have.
PLEASE talk to your friends/famiy if you see them go through this, or talk to your friends/family if you’re going through it.
I like to think that I learned the bulk of relationship lessons during those 8 months. Either way, I’m never going through it again. And no one else should have to either.
Titi
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 11:54 pm: [report]
Brilliant article—thank you for posting. I went through a very similar situation and I wish I would have known these signs were red flags back then.
Emasaurus
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 04:18 am: [report]
It wasn’t your fault! Any of it and people who react by implying you were complicit really need to take a deep breath and stop being so judgemental.
It is fustrating when a friend won’t listen, I had a friend who was 18-20 and still put up with an emotionally abusive relationship-I warned her over and over, when she did break up with him he turned violent and she was suprised!
But its never the woman’s fault (or man’s if the abuse is reversed) noone ever asks to be hit, etc.
sunshineandbutterflies
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
I am currently in a situation like this and you are so right - family and friends are completely cut off until you look around and no-one is left. I have no-one, and literally feel stuck in this until I end up dead one day. I have had so many black eyes and bruises, I have lost count. The most important thing I can say, with tears in my eyes, is if you know someone who could possibly be in a situation like this - SAY SOMETHING. Even if it isn’t someone you are close with, often times these people feel they have absolutely nobody in the world and just one person can make a difference. Thank you.