Girl Talk: How Soon Is Too Soon To Talk About Kids?

effing hickster
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]

I think it’s never too soon to bring up important topics like babies. That’s what dating is all about; to get to know someone well enough to commit before finding out later on down the road that there’s some serious compatibility issues.

Of course, how you breach the subject is most important. It’s much better to find out at the beginning how he feels about kids in general as opposed to how he feels about having kids with you in particular. You can always take your time when narrowing down to specifics.

Man…and I was so prepared to step up to the plate for the lady in Denmark.

Perceptible
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]

Well if you’re looking for a “candidate” then set up an interview. I mean, if you’re looking for a person to fit in with your life plans, you’re not likely to find it. (IMHO)

Things either happen naturally or they don’t. Definitely go after the things you want in life, and go after them with gusto. Just don’t hang it on another individual to be part of that fulfillment.

Yes, yes, I know. Easy for me to say. I’m divorced and adopted my gorgeous baby girl when I was 37. The man came later. Not in the “traditional” order of things, but since when is the traditional way the best way?

Penelope09
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]

A couple weeks after I started dating my boyfriend, one of his friends said to me that he didn’t think he was going to end up with his girlfriend because he hadn’t slept with enough women yet.
Since I didn’t know my boyfriend well enough to know he didn’t share his friend’s opinion, I was a little worried I was just wasting my time. We were only 20 at the time, so I said to him that I knew it was too early to decide if we were “the ones” for each other, but I just wanted to make sure he was open to the possibility that it might come to that…and that he didn’t see me as another girl on his way to sexual maturity. Why waste my time? I didn’t ask him to commit to me for life, I just wanted to know that he wanted the same thing in a very no pressure sort of way.
Turns out, he did. Just last week, when his cousin got engaged, he turned to me and said, “you’re next.”

Humble Bee
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]

2 weeks is definitely too soon. Your barely getting to know the guy, but then I’d say it’s up to how comfortable he makes you feel.
I definitely don’t want kids and you’d think guys would be OK with that, but most guys DO want kids at some point. At least you know what you want, guys should start appreciating that. I think men get scared when your extremely serious and seem determined to have that kid, but when your just mentioning you want one “eventually”, I don’t see how it should scare him off because he feels the same way you do. What was so heated about the conversation if you both want kids? Was it the way you guys were planning on raising them that got you heated?

ccal
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]

My boyfriend broke out the heavy subjects early, like babies, which freaked me out a lot even though he was really cute about it.  The thing is he wants to have little versions of us running around while I’ve wanted 2 to 3 little versions of the United Nations running around since I was 12 when decided that going through child birth would not agree with my tolerance for pain or irrational fear of needles. 

I guess it will an interesting situation to handle seeing as we’ve been dating for 3 months and it’s looking like this could be it for me, yes its soon but so amazing.

QTKT
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]

My current guy and I had the talk pretty early (about a month in I would guess) because things were going amazingly well. We talked about the fact that we both see ourselves married and with a family one day. He’s over 7 years older than I am, so this was important to me. I wanted to make sure that he was working towards these goals and not a bachelor for life type. If he was, then the conversation would have taken another turn - towards let’s have fun while we can talk. But we shared the same goals and it turned toward the ‘let’s be exclusive’talk!

slip
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]

Most men want kids eventually, and by 30 they should be thinking about it, so asking the question is no big deal. It’s the enthusiasm in a woman’s voice as she dives into details that makes us hear the clock ticking, too.

I don’t like wasting time, so if you’re serious, get it out there early. The best way is to say, “I want kids some day. Do you?” Then let it go and watch the response.

Slip

writergirl
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]

I was exactly your age and had the exact same conversation with the guy I wound up marrying at exactly the same time in the relationship.

Now, in my case it was for slightly different reasons, while I wanted kids, I was told I was never going to have them.  So one of my prerequisites was that the guy had to be OK with that.  I wasn’t going to get involved if he didn’t want to be comitted to someone who wasn’t a fertile myrtle.

And he did almost break up with me over the issue, but decided in the end that I could potentially be “the one” and decided to take the risk.

We had to compromise—I agreed to go through fertility treatments so that we had at least one child that was “ours” (something I *really* did not want to do) and he agreed to keep an open mind about adoption—something *he* had never considered and really had no interest in.

So while I don’t necessarily advise having that conversation that early, sometimes it is better to know the other person’s limitations up front.  And if it ends over the issue, it is only a two week relationship,  how much emotion/time/energy could you possibly have invested?

amandabear
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]

I usually bring this up really early, but for the opposite reason - I definitely do not want kids, ever, and so I can’t waste my time with guys who do, or let them waste their time with me when they want to be dads someday. I think if it’s something that’s a dealbreaker for you, you have every reason to broach the subject early - perhaps just in passing, or jokingly, but still putting it out there.

Chebs
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]

Well, my bf and I went from being friends to dating, so we already had talked about the idea of kids beforehand.  Although I did act like a moron and told him that I’d like to have kids with him maybe 2-3 weeks into the relationship.  At least I managed to hold my tongue and refrain from listing possible names I liked.

cattgirl813
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]

As someone who’s childless by choice, the baby talk (such as it is) usually comes up for me in the first conversation with a guy.  It usually goes like this: He’ll ask if I have kids, and I respond no.  He’ll ask why and I say something along the lines of, “Careful planning….”, and then ask him a question about another topic.  With that, the conversation continues.  It hasn’t really scared off any guys so far, and it sets the tone - letting a guy know with a little humor that he needs to move on if he wants to start a family.

BedRocka
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]

All about comfort there is no set time frame, stop trying to script a relationship just have a coke, wear your smile and have an a$$ slapping good time!!! Forget the hysterics!!

retro chic
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]

Of ALL the long relationships groomed
for marriage and family (and failed),
the one that clanged the bell was the
one where we didn’t discuss it first.
Pregnant and in love, we steamed
straight to happy familydom (we’re
not together now). I found that my
experience was more common than I
would’ve thought.

But, this discussion under ordinary
conditions needs to happen early on –
it’s too big an issue and commitment
to gamble on maybes or odds on someone
changing their mind. There are too
many other moving parts that fly up
in your face without the known doubts
about children.

Also, I find it striking that we can
share our bodies intimately, but feel
tentative on matters of kids, important
personal info, and money.

delovely
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]

My ex and I had this talk early one, but it was football-related. He wanted to raise them as Atlanta Falcons fans and I wanted children running around in black and bright blue in the fall (Carolina Panthers). Dating someone of a compatible football background is more important to me than the same religion. (Hell, football is religion).

Jenn27549
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 01:06 pm: [report]

@delovely: Totally get it!  Except its hockey in our house.  At least we do like the same team.  I could have never married a Red Wings fan!!  :(

We talked about all the “serious” issues on our 1st and 2nd dates.  I was fresh out of a massively failed 5 year relationship and he was done wasting time with girls that weren’t marriage material, too.  He’s a little older and decided he’d rather be single than dating someone that wasn’t “the one.”  Not just babies but money, career, where we wanted to own a house, etc…  We are both very no-nonsense, blunt, to the point people though.  The kids question came up, pretty directly, b/c he had seen on my MySpace page that I didn’t want kids.  That has evolved, as has his view on kids.  The important thing is that you do revisit those major issues any time a major life event warrants a reexamination.  We’re still on the same page even though our views have changed.

SEMI-girl
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]

I’m 29 and totally feel your pain (or at least your anxiety)!  I waited for many, worried months before I got the balls to ask my boyfriend about kids.  I was terrified because it’s the only thing I could think of that might actually break us up, since I trust him not to cheat.  He said he wasn’t sure, which was good enough at the time, and has since seemed more and more open to the idea.

But let me complicate this for a little bit by saying that dating me is the ONLY reason why he’s considering having children at all.  He could never picture it in the past and even considered a vasectomy in his mid-20s (not the thing a girl wants to hear, let me tell you).  So, definitely bring it up, but keep an open mind, too.  Unless that bell tolls and the baby starts to mean more to you than who the daddy is, you still have some time to let things play out naturally!

Jenbug
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 03:00 pm: [report]

I hate it when my head says no but my ovaries scream make babies now! They can be real bi*ches sometimes.

Knitter79
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 03:08 pm: [report]

I just turned 30 this year and am in a new relationship with a guy I’ve known for almost a decade.  We had the kids talk somewhere between friend and boyfriend territory (mostly because I didn’t want to ruin the friendship if he had no interest in ever having kids).  I think as you get older it’s okay to have the conversation in early dating if it’s something you’re serious about (either wanting or not wanting kids).  It’s also a good way to test for seriousness.  If the dude gets uncomfortable and bolts he was probably just looking for action and not a serious relationship.

vtgirl1993
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 03:15 pm: [report]

I’ve never discussed babies with the men I’ve dated. Well, let me rephrase that: I’ve never been the one to bring it up, they have. Some brought it up very early—like a couple weeks into dating—which scared the Hell out of me, while others only brought it up after a couple of years of dating, which seemed “normal” to me. IMHO, bringing things like this up early on in a relationship (like two weeks) means the person is more in love with the idea of something than the actual thing itself. I think the same applies here: you’re interested in having kids someday, but not right now and not necessarily with the man you’re dating.

ikimashokie
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 03:23 pm: [report]

My bf and I are going on 4 or 4.5 years.  His mom has had grandbaby-rabies since year 2, and my mom has had an itch to get us hitched since year 3.  We’re only 24, sheesh.  We’ve discussed them, and I’ve gone from more accepting of the idea, while he’s gone to less accepting of the idea.  We definitely agree that there are to be no mini-uses until we are 30.

What’s even worse is when a guy uses it as a pickup line.  What’s your name… how many kids do you have?  What?  Why would I have kids?  I’m only 18-22! I’m not even done with school!  (I’ve not gotten this line in quite some while, thank heavens)

AlexaLeo21
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 04:17 pm: [report]

As a general rule i usually dont bring something like kids up before 6 months.

HOWEVER, my guy and were best friends for four years before we started dating. That being said most of the early dating topics had already been covered before even our first date (exes, career plans/goals, family, ect.). Unintentionally we ended up having the Baby talk about 2 weeks into dating. But no regrets on that because it just sort of happened, was completely natural, didnt cause any weird pressure or rifts, and we’re thankfully on the same page.

majicksand
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 04:33 pm: [report]

Getting ready to hit 30?  Yeah, I would outline my goals for my future fairly early on.  Not just about babies, about everything.  Figure out where you want your life to go, then ask where he sees himself in 5 years.  If his only thoughts are bars, travel, career, etc while yours are marriage, kids, home-ownership, whatever, then you’re heading in different directions. 

The examples are random and unimportant.  The point is to establish compatibility of future goals.  You may not have had a clue what you wanted or where you wanted to go in the world at 25.  By 30, most of us have at least begun to determine a direction.  The desire (or not) for children is especially important given that there are time constraints.

That being said, Amelia, please don’t rush into a relationship or children just yet.  Your earlier “angry” article makes it clear that you still need time for you before you can commit to anyone else.  I’m fairly certain I’m pregnant (two weeks before the stick will confirm what the nausea is saying), and I’m 36.  I promise you that 30 does NOT mean ‘get knocked-up now before it’s too late’.  I wouldn’t waste time on a guy who isn’t headed where you want to be, you still have plenty of time to get there.

FakeLashez
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 04:51 pm: [report]

I think you need to get the question out there, but do it in a way that makes him comfortable. If he says definitley not, then why waste your time with him?

I dont think you asked him too soon, perhaps just your approach was bad.

Jessica Wakeman
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 05:48 pm: [report]

I know I’m probably the exception to the rule, but my boyfriend and I talked about beh-behs ON OUR FIRST DATE.

Upon meeting, we instantly hit it off and spent the whole night on our first date answering the Big Questions. He was completely unfazed by my very direct question about having kids. That he responded to directness with mature candor appealed to me enormously!

I do realize I am 25 and my biological clock isn’t ticking too hard, though, so maybe it’s different when a woman is a little younger.

_jsw_
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 06:03 pm: [report]

I think what’s very clear now is that there is no good, general answer to your questions, Amelia. My attempt would be this:

If the man you’re sitting across from (or laying on, or calling, or dancing with…) is the man who will be standing there with you in forty years, welcoming your kids into the house as they bring their children… if that man is the one who will be with you when you give birth, when the babies cry at night, when knees are scraped and young hearts broken and youthful triumphs are achieved… if that is the man who will dance at your daughter’s wedding or hug your son at his… then there is no wrong time. And if the man there with you is indeed that man, or very well could be, you’ll know. And you can ask whenever you feel like asking, and it won’t push him away. No man who would deserve to be the father of your children will leave you because you bring up the topic, regardless of when or how you do.

And if its the wrong guy? Who the f**k cares how he reacts? You need to dump his ass anyway to find the right one.

Lexington
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 07:13 pm: [report]

For me, I think, it’s not so much an age thing- I’m only 24, but I can’t be with someone if there’s an expiration date on the relationship- I get too attached- to the extent that every one of my few relationships so far have been pretty short, just because I knew they weren’t the one. My theory that works for me is- if he’s not the one, why waste my time? Of course, I personally go back and forth on the kid issue, so I just figure I’ll leave it up to the guy.

Red_Lady
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 09:18 pm: [report]

Well put jsw!!

Rose
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 04:23 am: [report]

I have a 39 year old friend who isn’t ever going to have children (biological reasons plus choice) and she’s told me how hard it is to bring THAT up with men she dates. “The second date is too soon and the third date is too late” is how she puts it, so she brings it up early but gently.  If it scares the guy off, she figures it just saved her time in the long run.

BlueVibe
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 08:56 am: [report]

My BF and I talked about it a little while we were still talking online, before we met.  We’re both in our early thirties. We’re both on the fence about it, although we’ve realized that that’s at least partly because neither of us has been in a relationship before where having kids would have been a reasonable idea.  It’s harder to get enthusiastic about babies when you don’t know anyone you’d want to have them with (I don’t want to, and cannot afford to, be a single mother by choice.  Yeah, you can’t control everything that happens, but I wouldn’t volunteer for it.)

Two years ago, the idea of babies made me hysterical.  I wanted a family so badly that finding out that somebody I knew was expecting would cause unreasonable and humiliating jealous-crying tantrums.  I’ve gotten over that.  I like kids, but I’m getting comfortable with the idea that I may never have any of my own.  Although, if I met somebody who did want them (or already had them), I could still get on that bandwagon. 

I _am_ looking for a long-term relationship, though.  Well, marriage, really.  I’d either be single/date periodically and have my freedom, or I’d be a wife, but I won’t settle for being a long-term girlfriend.  Too legally and financially ambiguous.  If he likes me that much, he can marry me.  If he doesn’t want to marry me, he doesn’t like me enough and I’m moving on.

Don’t overreact to turning 30, though.  I’m looking at it in the rear-view mirror; it’s not nearly as big a deal as everyone would have you think.

Dalcyanne
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 08:14 pm: [report]

Sooner rather than later.  What’s the harm?  Wanting or not wanting children says lot about the person you are, as do your relationships with family and friends, whether you’re a morning person, if you’re a vegan or on atkins.  Incompatibility is not a deal-breaker, but the more you know the better your relationship will be, for however long it lasts.

roastchicken
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 11:10 pm: [report]

My ex bf brought it up on our first date! Boy was I shocked. I was busy going over topics in my head that are off limits on a first date,  and was busy bringing up every one of them.

I recently dated a guy that said that he wanted to make sure some girl didn’t end up getting preggers by him by accident, so he decided to get a vasectomy in his mid twenties. I was shocked! I mean, to go to that extreme just for birth control..it just boggles my mind. Mind you, he said that he still wanted to have kids. I asked if he meant by adopting, and he said no, he’d like to have his own. Uh yeah. It’s possible to reverse a vasectomy, but the success rate is pretty low. At that point, I knew that I wouldn’t see him again.

I mean, this is a guy that says he wants kids, but he’s pretty much taken the choice to have kids away from his ‘future wife’. Then again, maybe he’ll meet a woman that’s completely okay with not having kids. I’m not baby crazy at the moment, but I’d at least like the option.

kevinh
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]

Its not a bad idea to feel out the territory by any means. Being upfront about your long term goals just lets him know what’s up. He may not end up being a part of them but at least there are no illusions.

My ex-wife readily agreed to have kids when I asked her when we were dating and also admitted to never having wanted them before. She was so gaga over me I think she would have agreed to go to mars if I asked. Luckily her mental problems won out and we split up before any kevin jr’s were running around.

mikeyellenlee
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 08:47 pm: [report]

My boyfriend never wanted babies until he started dating me

Tart and Soul
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]

Premature baby talk goes both ways - I’ve had men ask me about children and marriage before we’ve even ordered dessert on a first date. Kind of a buzz kill. Rushing the process of intimacy kills what could be the perfect relationship. More importantly, who knows how your familial goals might change if you meet “the one?”

Check out a blog post I wrote about it called, “Nice to Meet You…Marry Me:”

http://tartandsoul.com/2009/01/25/the-man-panel-nice-to-meet-you…marry-me/