Girl Talk: He’s The One, But Is This The Ring?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
8:30AM, Tuesday December 23rd 2008
I’m at my parents’ place this week, visiting my family for Christmas. Shortly after I arrived, my mother presented me with an engagement ring. The ring belonged to my great-grandmother, who got married 80 years ago in the fall of 1928. This past summer, when I last saw my mom, I told her my boyfriend and I were talking marriage, and I asked if she could get the ring out of the safety deposit box so I could try it on at Christmas. Eager to see me married ASAP, she was more than happy to comply.
Now that I’m able to see the ring, I’ve got a few things I need to decide. First, of course, is if I like it enough to make it “the” ring. As the oldest of five granddaughters, I was offered the ring long ago and told I could use it as my own engagement ring if I wanted. I’m a big fan of vintage jewelry, so that works out well for me. The ring looks very similar to other Art Deco rings of the era that I’ve been looking at online, but I can’t say I love it, exactly. Still, I think it could grow on me, and I do love that it has history and it’s a family heirloom. Plus, I’m not really a ring person, anyway—I don’t like the way rings feel on my fingers, and I can’t remember the last time I wore one, so I don’t really see the point in spending money—or, rather, my boyfriend spending money—on an item of jewelry I may not feel like wearing. I guess it makes more sense to use my great-grandmother’s ring while I’m engaged and switch to a small wedding band after I’m married if I don’t want so much bling on my finger.
Regardless of whether I stick with my great-grandmother’s engagement ring or not, my tastes are too particular, and this is too big a decision to leave the choice up to my boyfriend. So all this brings me around to the notion of actually getting engaged. The whole proposal thing seems peculiar to me; it always has. On the one hand, I feel like if two people have already discussed marriage, and they know they’re both into it, why does one need to officially ask the other? I mean, both parties already know the answer is yes. On the other hand, I like the gesture of it. I’d like for my boyfriend to choose a romantic way of articulating (again) how he feels about me, what his intentions are, and what it would mean for him to make me his wife. And I’d like the opportunity to respond in kind. For someone who isn’t terribly traditional, this is a tradition that seems important to me, if maybe a bit unnecessary (but aren’t most traditions totally unnecessary?).
The problem is: How do I go about giving him a ring to then give back to me without totally ruining the romance of it all? I mean, it all seems so calculated, right? Like, “Hey, here’s the ring I’d like for you to propose to me with. So, you know, when you feel like popping the question, here it is! I’ll just be over here … waiting. So, you know, let me know.” It seems … awkward, right? Or kind of corny? Or maybe I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the idea of such an antiquated tradition being important to me. At any rate, I’m torn over how to proceed from here. Have any of you been in this position before, where you have your engagement ring picked out before the proposal? And how did you handle it? Advice and suggestions are welcome!
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Belle
wrote on December 23 2008 @ 09:27 am: [report]
I know how you feel. I am not ready to get married, but when I am…well, I’d like to subtly tell him exactly what kind of ring I’d like. Not a clue how to do that though without the really obvious hinting or flashing pictures which could be a disasterous plan since I don’t want to signal I’m ready to get married yet!
For your situation, here’s what I’d do. Leave the ring with your mom and have him quietly pull your beau aside at the next family gathering. She can say she knows the two of you are serious and she knows this ring is very special to you as a family heirloom. So if he chooses to, he can use this ring for you. Or have her show him what modern ring you like best! If the guy loves you, he’ll want to make sure he gets something that makes you glow with happiness and who knows you better than your mom? Might take some of the pressure off.
That way, you’re off the hook, your boyfriend still gets to surprise you, he gets to privately state his intentions to your parents (which I kind of think is a cute, traditional thing), and you get to have whatver ring you like best.
Colleen
wrote on December 23 2008 @ 09:29 am: [report]
why don’t you have your mother give him the ring?
DancerNinja
wrote on December 23 2008 @ 09:31 am: [report]
If you decide to use the ring, tell the boyfriend about it, and it could be up to him to retrieve it from your family. That, I think, makes the gesture sweeter since he is sort of formally asking for your family’s blessings in the process.
On the other hand, if you aren’t crazy about the ring, you have four other girls in your family that might be. Perhaps you could talk to them and ask them about their feelings on not getting the ring only to see you not wearing it. I also find the notion of an engagement ring AND a wedding band a bit much.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on December 23 2008 @ 09:54 am: [report]
All good suggestions except that my parents live in another country and family get-togethers are a rare thing. My bf only sees them once a year, see.
As for the 4 other girls in the family, one is already married and another isn’t interested in the ring, but you’re right that I could ask the others how they feel about. I’m pretty sure they have no idea the thing even exists.
vanya
wrote on December 24 2008 @ 07:17 am: [report]
If you really feel it’s too big a decision to leave up to his choice, just be straight with him. You’ve mentioned that the two of you have talked about getting engaged before, why not just tell him about the ring?
SpaceCakeGirl
wrote on December 26 2008 @ 06:15 pm: [report]
It is totally okay to prep him and say “I want to be very modern and tell you the ring I want, but even though I’m telling you this I hope you’ll be traditional and give me a surprise proposal.” In fact, send it in an e-mail so you can pretend it never happened and/or not have to see your guy’s reaction.
My mom made my dad take back the original ring he got her because she couldn’t spend a lifetime wearing that ugly ring. I had heard that story my whole life and I certainly didn’t want to risk it. Like you, I’m not a ring person at all. I wanted something that was flat on my finger (no big rock), still shiny, and not expensive (at the time we were saving for a house so it seemed ridiculous to spend a down payment on a ring).
So when I found the ring I wrote down the information and size and e-mailed it to my boyfriend. I also told him that I totally wanted a sweet proposal. I got the ring I wanted and the proposal I wanted and it wasn’t made any less romantic. (then again, we knew we were getting married, were looking at houses together, etc, so we had the freedom to be very upfront with each other).
For your situation I say take the ring and put it in a box somewhere out-of-the-way in your place or his place and tell him where it is and that he is free to take the ring from the box whenever he wants. THEN DON’T SNOOP AND LOOK IN THE BOX TO SEE IF THE RING IS THERE! YOU CANNOT SNOOP OR YOU’RE RUINGING YOUR OWN SURPRISE PROPOSAL!
Then whenever he’s ready he can grab the ring while you’re in the bathroom or the shower or on the phone or whatever and propose as he sees fit.
hermione103104
wrote on December 26 2008 @ 09:30 pm: [report]
My boyfriend and I are possibly on the way to a marriage proposal, and I know that he and my brother are pretty close. When I feel that the time is getting closer, I plan to pull my brother aside and tell him exactly what I’m looking for in an engagement ring, because I know my boyfriend will go to him for suggestions. Do you have any friends or family members who you and your boyfriend are both close to? Maybe tell them your intentions so that your boyfriend can ask them.
janeeyre321
wrote on December 27 2008 @ 12:03 am: [report]
I used to be adamently for having my engagement ring be straight from my boyfriend with no hints from me. Then, I saw THE ring I wanted and now he knows exactly what I want. We cannot get married or engaged at this time due to financial strain, so I have no idea when he will propose or how he will do it. The ring should be no mystery, but everything else will be of his doing. I am quite content with that. Give him the responsibility on how to get the ring from your mother; he’ll figure it out. I wouldn’t give it another thought.
dmcdonald2
wrote on December 27 2008 @ 11:46 am: [report]
This same dilemma came to my attention years ago. Although I do not have a girlfriend and have never been anywhere near proposing to someone, for whatever reason I began to think about this. Anyway, long story short, I swear to God “Sweet Home Alabama” stole my idea. I had that idea first, and now it’s ruined. Forever.
femmefox67
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 09:05 am: [report]
if money is an issue or you want a new ring, my sister sent me this giveaway for a diamond ring! thought i would post… xoxo ff67 http://www.perfectfind.com/diamondring