Dating Drama: For Some, Flirting Is A Sport
Posted by: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Monday December 1st 2008
My friend Gloria flirts with everyone—even her cat. Seriously. Almost every time I see her she’s cozying up to someone new, even though she isn’t a perpetual dater and doesn’t sleep around. At my birthday dinner a few weeks ago, she asked my friend Sira if he wanted to lick some buttercream frosting off her chest. He busted out his cell phone and said, “Have you seen my boyfriend?” But it didn’t matter to her that he’s gay; she was flirting for the sake of flirting.
Another time, we were at a party, and all night long she was huddled up with a guy. I thought for sure they were going to go home together, but when I mentioned it to her, she looked shocked. “I don’t like him like that,” she said, as if what I’d said was the silliest thing she’d ever heard.
At first I was confused, because when I flirt, it’s for real. Don’t get me wrong, I love flirting, but I don’t bother if I wouldn’t want my flirting to at least result in a makeout session. Right now, I’m in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have crushes. I’m more of a strategic flirt, so recently when I hung out with a guy friend, on what would have otherwise been a date if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I couldn’t help emailing my guy friend afterward to say that he looked cute eating his ice cream. That was definitely flirting, even though right now it’s not really going anywhere. I did restrain myself from telling a guy friend I’ve had a crush on for a while that his new girlfriend is a lucky woman. Because why bother telling him that I think he’s cute, when we’re both taken?
Apparently, though, Gloria’s mode of all flirting, all the time, has plenty of adherents. My friend Liz says that she’ll flirt with women, even though she’s “completely heterosexual.” For her, flirting isn’t about the destination, but the journey. “Flirting is fun because it makes you feel desirable and it helps you stay in touch with your sensual response.”
I have a guy friend who, ever since I’ve known him, has made me feel all tingly every time I see him. I blush and stammer and always walk away from any talk with him, thinking that he has a crush on me. Why? Because he touches my arm when we talk, says my name with particular emphasis, and is always extremely enthusiastic. The problem is, he’s like that with everyone. He isn’t flirting per se (even though it totally feels like flirting), he’s just being friendly. I find this frustrating, because it seems like he’s holding out false hope. How can a girl ever know if he really likes her, when he flirts with everyone?
One guy I know said that he finds it easier to flirt with people he’s just not that into; when he really likes someone, his innate shyness takes over. A Twitter user told me, “I flirt with people I like the most, but sometimes a little flirting helps me decide if I might like them, too.” And you don’t have to be single to be a perennial flirt! “I flirt with almost everyone,” a guy I’ll call Mark revealed. “I’m married, but I do it because it’s fun and, to be honest, I think it makes women feel good to feel desired. I try to spread a little happiness when I can.”
For those who think of flirting as a fun party game, should they stop simply because someone else might get the wrong idea? I don’t think so. It isn’t always about the flirtee’s reaction, but what the flirter gets out of it. Even if the other person isn’t flirting back, it can make you feel sexy to toss your hair around and say things that are definitely more than platonic. Another female friend says, “I almost prefer flirting to sex. I flirt with everyone, particularly my guy friends. For whatever reason, maybe it’s because I know I’m good at it, I find it powerful but kind of restrained, which is perfect for me because I don’t like to get too close to people. When it’s with someone I actually do like, it can be so exciting, even if it doesn’t actually result in anything physical. It can give me that almost permanent butterfly feeling, which I love.”
Her gushy response has almost sold me on flirting. My boyfriend and I don’t flirt with each other that much, though we probably should, considering that we’re in a long distance relationship. The last overtly flirty thing I did was text him when I was buying sneakers. (He has a thing for girls in sneakers, so it’s not completely crazy.) Clearly, I have a thing or two to learn from the sport flirters of this world.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Lynn
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
To be totally honest, I think flirting can be fun but the people I know who are permanently in “flirt” mode with everyone they meet generally don’t have super-awesome reputations. I think people get worn down by not understanding what their intentions are, and frustrated when a guy thinks he’s getting somewhere with a girl only to learn she’s in it for the “sport” of the thing. And girls get jealous and territorial when they don’t know why you’re all over their man.
MeganHart
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 01:37 pm: [report]
I flirt, too! Men, women…flirting is a way of communication. People like to feel desirable, yes—but there are levels of flirting. Flirting with intent is entirely different than casual flirting—which I think of as accelerated complimenting. You say nice things to people to make them feel good about themselves (but be sincere!) and in turn, you feel good about having made someone’s day.
“I love your hat” can be a compliment; said in a different tone it can be flirting. Add a gesture and a cozy sidle-up and it can be flirting with intent…
Great post!
M
vanya
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
“should they stop simply because someone else might get the wrong idea?”
That depends, I guess, on how it impacts them. At least a few of the big flirts I know have lost their friends because their friends’ spouses no longer want to be in the company of someone who can’t keep her hands off him or her.
Another found herself in what could’ve been a seriously dangerous situation with a guy who took her flirting sincerely. He was embarrassed and humiliated to find out it was just for fun and that she didn’t really like him, and was really angry about it. He didn’t physically harm her in any way, but she was frightened enough by his anger to change her locks, her phone number, and curb her hobby.
I’d be real curious to know if the women “Mark” flirts with enjoy his flirting still when they find out he’s been flirting with them to make them feel better about themselves? Does it really boost their self-esteem that much??
Mike in Albany
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
Flirting has the potential to lead to other things. As a single person, I would be open to flirting because I want other things, but if I had a SO or if an approaching flirter was someone I can’t get into then I would tend to resist the flirt.
If someone at a party flirted with me as your friend Gloria did, and it was just for a moment and I saw that she was acting that way towards everybody, then that is a generic “fun flirt.” There’s nothing to it. If she spends at least ten minutes exclusively on me, for instance, it would lead me to believe that she is attracted to me and maybe, if I don’t blow it, I have a chance with her. If she moves on to somebody else, I’ll spend the rest of the night wondering what I did wrong.
Remember, guys are still dogs at heart, and we’re sniffing around hoping to find something tasty. If you show an interest in one of us, he will begin to envision what will go between “Dear Penthouse” and “Name and address withheld.”
fitafterthirty
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
Yes and you can meet men while you sport! - http://www.fitafterthirty.com/2008/12/01/topfivesportsformeetingaman/
Purple_LeatherC
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 09:39 pm: [report]
I don’t think I consciously flirt, but I might bring in humor to keep things light. As a polyamorist in a (largely) serial monogamist world, I try to be careful of other’s feelings. Even when it’s casual, I’ve found, there are still some feelings involved.
Katia
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 12:53 am: [report]
I can’t flirt to save my life. It just doesn’t feel right for me (I prefer a sense of humor). I have a difficult time liking people who are outrageous flirts. They seem phoney to me. It’s all about garnering attention, being the center of attention. I don’t feel the need for that. If someone flirts with me and it seems like sincere interest, only I later find out I was just being shined on, I end up feeling humiliated and used by an attention seeking vampire. I was just a toy for their amusement. I dont’ enjoy it because I can’t trust it.
jadeycakes
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 03:01 pm: [report]
“Remember, guys are still dogs at heart, and we’re sniffing around hoping to find something tasty. If you show an interest in one of us, he will begin to envision what will go between “Dear Penthouse” and “Name and address withheld.” “
Thank you Mike in Albany!
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 03:35 pm: [report]
Flirting is basically just helping someone feel good about themselves, which is fine. Compliments are nice, no matter who’s issuing them. But I think most flirts know where to draw the line and if they don’t, they should. “You look so pretty tonite!” is nice and harmless; “You are so sexy,” is also nice, but will lead someone on.
dharma
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 07:19 pm: [report]
I flirt. A lot. With no intention of follow up as I am in a relationship that is defined as closed. Making people feel special, like you male friend, by the attention you pay them by really looking them in the eye softly, light touches. I flirt with both genders though I have only slept with one of them for over 20 years now.
Heather
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 03:40 pm: [report]
I’m a horrible, unrepentant flirt.
My best friend tells me I could flirt with a potted plant. I don’t know if I agree with her, but I know it’s innate because I often realize I’m flirting in the middle of a conversation.
I have to have some auto body work done on my car and I was being very businesslike, taking notes, determined not to be taken advantage of by the shop ... then the estimator came over to talk to me, with his dreamy eyes and beautiful smile.
I was asking him the questions I needed answered, but I realized that as he was answering them, I was smiling, touching my hair, making deep eye contact. I didn’t even do it consciously. It just happened. Really!
ginastratton
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
Flirting can be fun all of us basically we all flirt with the opposite sex. Its a great way to show your attrated to them or maybe its just for fun flirting is recommended to anybody.
EnlightenMe
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 03:06 am: [report]
I’ve noticed since getting my new glasses and hair style that I’ve gotten more attention from the opposite gender, like, a noticeable amount. It’s only been a week!
But yes, I “flirt” all the time with all of my friends, be they male or female. It’s just fun, and like others have said, can make people feel good about themselves. As long as they know you’re not serious though, if they take your flirting seriously you could get into some bad waters.
With my longer hair I find myself messing with my hair around women, trying to be witty and such, but I can’t really be too into it because of the girl I’m currently with. I’m taken.