Girl Talk: Do Courting Rituals Make Us Whores?
Posted by: Jennifer Wright
Filed in:
news
12:30PM, Wednesday December 10th 2008
I like to think that I’m reasonably independent. I’m a modern woman, following in the charming footsteps of Mary Tyler Moore (I even have a little beret, but I don’t throw it up in the air, because I’m afraid I’d lose it). I like my work tremendously. As a result, I’m inclined to regard myself as fairly different from Melissa Beech, who recently wrote on The Daily Beast about her sugar daddy who “pays for a killer wardrobe,” as well as her apartment, and about $5,000 worth of expenses per month. As readers decried her for being “a prostitute,” “selfish,” and “classless,” I congratulated myself on working for a living and not having to rely on an older man to cover all my expenses.
Then I started thinking. When boyfriends show up with gifts, I don’t exactly get upset that they’re stealing my independence. I’m delighted. I’ve never turned down an extravagant present on the basis of the fact that I should work to earn it myself. Moreover, if someone invites me out on a date, I tend to assume that they’ll be picking up the tab. I’ll offer, of course, but no one’s ever taken me up on it. Good thing, too, as I do not budget for dinner at Nobu. If I were picking up the tab, we’d be eating at California Pizza Kitchen.
“But,” a friend pointed out, “that’s just courting behavior. You’re not going to sleep with someone just because they take you out to nice places.” No, but it probably raises their odds a bit. When does it stop being “courting behavior” and start being something like prostitution?
In order to get some perspective on the situation, I visited SeekingArrangement.com, the site Melissa Beech’s sugar daddy was on before she met him. Before doing so, I had two possible hunches about what I might find. The first was that the men on the site would all look and behave exactly like disenfranchised European aristocrats, and they would be so charming that I’d probably be swept off my feet and have no choice but to become someone’s mistress. The other possibility was that it would be completely sleazy, and they’d all demand sex for payment immediately. Both assumptions were wrong. These men do not look like depraved French barons. They look like your cardigan-wearing grandfather. They don’t write messages demanding sex immediately; they suggest lunch, coffee, drinks. The most horrifying thing about them seems to be the fact that most of them can’t spell or punctuate sentences properly. I wasn’t won over by any of them, but they did nothing to really offend me.
The prospective sugar babies struck me as more disturbing. While most of the men’s profiles seemed to read, “I’m just checking the waters a bit and seeing what’s out there,” many of the women listed their expenses, their bills, and gifts they wanted. Perhaps the difference between the “courting” behavior that normal working woman engage in and arrangements of this kind is that sugar daddy arrangements end immediately if the cash dries up and the gifts stop coming. I’m not inclined to believe that the sugar babies don’t like their sugar daddies, but I am inclined to believe that they would cut him loose the moment he went broke. If I were involved with a wealthy man who suddenly lost his job, I like to think I’d like him enough that it would never even cross my mind to break up with him. Hopefully, I’d even be able to help him out. After all, I kind of like California Pizza Kitchen.
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EastCoastMale
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 12:47 pm: [report]
Hmm very interesting question. Also, are we assuming that all sugar daddies want sex from their counterpart? what if they only pay all of they expenses and such to have them as arm candy and impress their friends, or want to show them off in a sexy dress at parties, something maybe they wouldnt be able to attain otherwise. Me personally, it is still spoiled and low but not the same as a sex for money setup. Regarding the courtship aspect, I have always wondered that myself. It is polite to reject and offer to pay even if you give in on the next insistance but if he took you up on it, would you be mad? like…I was only kidding. A friend and I were talking about how gifts and relationships are so complex and especially the instances where a guy proposes, she says yes and then they break up only to find she wants to pawn the ring and keep the proceeds because it was a “gift” with no strings attached or not give it back and just wear it. In this instance I dont consider keeping a ring of any cost, a cost of doing business, if a woman plans on doing that then it should be stated up front and reciprocated with a audemar piquet or tag heur mens watch thats equally expensive so its not so one sided =).
Fizzy
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 01:07 pm: [report]
@east
I’ve always assumed that whoever doesn’t initiate the break-up gets to keep the ring. You know, as a consolation prize! (Kidding.)
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
lol I know miss, it doesnt seem like it would be a statement worth making, that it would be common sense to most but I guess for some it isnt. Not speaking from personal experience at all but I know several who have turned a normal breakup into a bitter battle. One state recently passed a law I believe addressing the subject, so for a parted love it is illegal to keep an engagement ring. I say kudos!
vanya
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
I would return the engagement ring, either way. I wouldn’t want it if I were dumped, and I wouldn’t want it if I were the one deciding not to get married.
IIRC, in some states, there are laws that stipulate who gets to keep the ring in the event of a broken engagement, and it goes to who is still keeping their end of the agreement to marry.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
A steap in the right direction but either way, in my opinion, it should come back.
AJ
wrote on December 11 2008 @ 04:06 pm: [report]
When I called off my engagement, I tried to give back the ring, and the guy was like, “What am I supposed to do with this?” He insisted that I keep it just incase I changed my mind. I ended up having to hide it in a suitcase I returned to him later. It felt dirty, but I would’ve felt dirtier keeping the ring.
anatomization
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 01:09 am: [report]
This really does depend on several things, especially regarding the ring. It may be a family ring or his grandmothers ring or something. Seems pretty low class to pawn something like that. There are other things besides rings that I think this applies to also. Giving back a dvd or shoes he bought you doesn’t make much since because those are gifts, but one of my exs had property that wasn’t so much of a gift. Things like artwork I had done and let her hang on her walls or pictures of my and my friends from egypt(I lived there) or gifts that were symbolic of our relationship like the necklace(givin to me by a friend who later committed suicide)she wore. Gifts like that should be returned cause they have sentimental value to one party, not both. And giving back ripped/torn pictures of an ex and their family/friends, especially if they are deceased and the only pics some has is just plain wrong…maybe its just me?