Girl Talk: Dating With A Disability
Posted by: Melissa Blake
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Thursday June 25th 2009
Would a guy date a woman with a disability?
That’s not the sort of question guys are expecting to hear amidst the typical flurry of getting-to-know-you questions. But it’s nonetheless an important – even critical – one for me. It’s at the top of my list, actually. It’s a question I’ve been asking myself since high school when my peers so easily began to couple-off, and I watched from the sidelines. It all seemed so natural and effortless for them, yet I couldn’t help but feel as though the Dating Gods had forgotten to “cc” me on their Dating 101 memo. I’m sure the memo talked about the basics: courting, flirting, maybe even some tips for hiding those tiny flaws and insecurities on the first date.
But what about those not-so-tiny flaws? What about those insecurities you can’t simply hide with a cute jacket or a thick layer of Maybelline foundation?
Quite a few of the men said they’d be afraid of the responsibility and the fact that they might have to do a lot of extra work to help the woman with the disability. I’ll admit – that one hurt.
What about dating with a disability? Where is the rule book for that?
I was born with Freeman-Sheldon Syndrome, a genetic bone and muscular disorder. It sounds pretty harmless, but when you add my wheelchair (in a screaming-red hue), my hand and feet deformities and my map of surgical scars, believing that guys could actually look past all that and see the woman I am has, I’ll admit, jaded me just a little.
“What man would ever find me beautiful?” was a phrase I’d constantly scribble in my journal. They want a woman with scar-free legs. They want a woman who’s lived more of her life outside of hospitals than inside. They want a woman who can at least reach the top of the counter (at just below 4-feet tall, I don’t quite make the cut; I suppose that precludes me from rollercoasters too, doesn’t it?).
But are my assumptions true? Maybe I needed to give guys the benefit of the doubt for once, so I did what any forward-thinking modern woman would do: I sent out a batch of questions via email to some of my lovely male friends. I wanted to see if my fears about men not wanting anything to do with a woman with a disability were grounded in any real truth. I didn’t get as many responses as I’d hoped, but then again, I sort of expected that. It can be an uncomfortable subject (though, really, why should it be?), and maybe it – and I—intimidated them?
The results, actually, turned out to be more revealing than ever, and even raised more questions, at least for me, than they answered.
One friend suggested that the disabled woman wouldn’t be comfortable in her physique and that this would negatively affect physical relations.
“People do not want to come out and address that this is a major factor, but it is,” he said.
Alright, fair game. That’s true; I haven’t always been comfortable with my body (see the above paragraphs for a review).
Then, they hit me with The Big One. Quite a few of the men said they’d be afraid of the responsibility and the fact that they might have to do a lot of extra work to help the woman with the disability. I’ll admit – that one hurt.
In a recent post on my blog, where I regularly explore the intersection of my disability and my search for love, I shared my feelings – angry, sad, disappointed, hopeful—about their responses. Maybe that was a mistake. At least that’s what readers thought, who chimed in with everything from saying I live with my head in the sand to lambasting me for not respecting others’ opinions.
Disabilities are a touchy subject, I know. But you know what? They’ve been a part of my life—and part of me—for 27 years, so I’m going to talk about them. I’m going to be honest. In the end, I AM going to tell my story.
In the end, what might seem like a little question to some people is a pretty big one for me. Getting to know me is also getting to know and be comfortable with my disability. My fire engine red wheelchair included.
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KatWilder
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
Interesting post. My friend’s fiance has MS, and what she says is this — — we’re all going to age, our beauty will fade, our bodies slow down, our minds sputter and falter anyway. She feels she’s just a little ahead of the game — at least she knows what she’s getting into.
Read my post here: Able and willing. but is everyone else?
bogart4017
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
Should the most beautiful able-bodied woman in the world become confined to a wheelchair in a car accident you will still have those same responsibilities as with the one born in a wheel chair. What are you going to do? Leave her. The answer is real beauty emanates from within—wooden leg be damned.
yarngasm
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 06:57 pm: [report]
I’ve often wondered about how guys view disabilities, since my breakup with my ex last year. I have MS, and after I was diagnosed, he kept saying he didn’t know if he could handle the responsibility that would come with staying with me. I guess that’s sort of colored my view on how men will react, even though he was just one guy. My symptoms are pretty dormant right now, but I know my illness will be a big litmus test for any future relationships.
I am not sure when to bother bringing it up to a new partner, either… it seems like there’s no real great time to do it, and I wouldn’t want it to kill the mood. Thanks for bringing this up, Melissa, and good luck to you!
Symian
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 10:47 pm: [report]
I must admit I had never given any thought to this type of situation until my cousin’s husband left her after her diagnosis of lupus and scleroderma. He said that he didn’t want to have to take care of someone who should be taking care of him.
I commend you and thank you for sharing your thoughts about something so personal. I wish you happiness in your pursuits.
CraftLass
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:58 pm: [report]
I have a back injury that I have always been told will eventually put me in a wheelchair, so I have thought about this subject quite a lot, although never thought about asking my guy friends about it. I guess I’ve always been scared of the answers.
The difference is that I have a long-term BF now and I know he thinks about it, but I also think he will stay with me if that happens. When you already love somebody it’s much harder to leave, although some people still do and it’s almost impossible to make that decision until confronted with the reality of it.
Finding love in the first place is a whole different ball game. It’s so hard to date and explore possibilities for most people, but it’s easy to see it’s much harder for anyone with a disability that can’t be hidden. The men who responded that they would worry about extra responsibilities have a valid point, especially if they are still young as young men often like to eschew as much responsibility as possible. Not all, but many.
The truth is, the best way to find love is to become friends with people, and that is especially the case here. The only way a guy could possibly know what dating you might entail is to get to know you. You mention on your blog that you are able to care for yourself, but they are unlikely to assume that.
Best of luck on your quest and your account of it!
Adventurous1
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 08:14 am: [report]
I was beginning to develop a joint affliction that runs in the females of our family when I met my current husband. Add to that the fact that I was overweight and my husband ten years younger. I wasn’t unattractive, not by a long shot. The women in my mother’s family have always been beautiful and I was lucky to have inherited it. My husband, an exceptional man, was attracted to my sense of humor and huge IQ….at least that’s what HE says! LOL
My husband, injured and disabled himself while with the US Army, has never begrudged the rapidly degradation of my joints. His only fear? That one day, he may not be ABLE to help me or that he’ll come home and find me dead of a heart attack or something similar.
I have learned in my life that you can be perfect (according to common societal standards) and STILL be found flawed by short-sighted, shallow and superficial people. I agree with CraftLass. My current husband and I began as co-workers who went on to become friends. Most of the people I’ve been involved with didn’t realize they had fallen for me til long after it happened. I tease them that I sneak up on people that way….
Be patient. It took me 39 years (and a dozen failed relationships) before I found my wonderful husband. Have faith and it will be brought to you.
Adventurous1
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 09:20 am: [report]
rapid degradation, rather.
sophie19
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
Amazing article!
I was in a nearly-deadly car accident as a child that left me with garish injuries, which have turned into endearing scars. I say endearing because I learned how to not just accept them, but love them. Instead of using the insurance money to pay for plastic surgery (which was what it was given for), I paid for college and a trip to Egypt.
One could say I flaunt my scars. I could wear pants and change my hair, and no one would be the wiser, but that’s not an option for me. I see the stares and gawks from people, and I’ve had more than one boyfriend uncomfortable with touching my leg. That’s their problem.
I don’t want a boyfriend, and neither should you, that isn’t sure he can “deal” with a disability or deformity. The boyfriend who you deserve is someone who sees the amazing things you can give him and because of that, wants to give you whatever he can to keep you around.
sportzriter13
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 09:03 pm: [report]
*warning, long post*
So, in a way, I think my disability helped me find and fall even more in love with my boyfriend.
disabilities, be they visable and physical, or neurological and “learning realted” like mine (Asperger’s Syndrome) can have a major impact.
Unless I met them through an autism group (I did get a few boyfriends that way), most guys I dated did not know much about autism or that I had it until after things got going. Not all of them knew how to handle it.
It takes an awesome guy to understand the quirks and annoyances that come with such a complex learning disability. I’ve also been on the other side of the coin-some guys with disabilities are awesome, and others are downright needy (not due to their disability).
The moment I really fell in love with John was when I took him to the Imagine walk for Autism at Goddard park (RI) this year. We had been dating since January and had only been official for about a month. I do advocate for awareness but I don’t talk about it all the time, being as used to it as I am. So, basically this was his big intro into the “world of autism”. He saw the program that had PECS and asked me why they included bingo cards (he had no idea). So I sat him down and explained why some people need the cards, (they’re basically picture cards used to aid comprehension and can be vital to help children with autism understand directions and the social situation they are in)and it turned into a lesson on disabilities. Not only did he listen and ask questions, but he accepted it
(smiled and said “I think I have autism too; maybe there’s a little bit in all of us”). So (for example) when I have my hyper moments, get startled or irritated by certain noises, or get stuck on a topic and start repeating myself, he understands and tries to help in any way he can. I’m getting teary just thinking about it because he’s the most wonderful, loving, laid-back, amazing man I’ve ever met. He sees beyond the asperger’s and loves me for who I am. I am just as crazy for him, if not worse.
Melissa, good men are out there. If you ever need help tracking one down, let me know.
remember this
“if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve my best” -unknown
TigerLily
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 04:26 am: [report]
Hi, Melissa, God bless you, and you are lucky to have met that one in a million man.
I had a 5 yr relationship where I was criticized all the way thru. Needless to say, when it ended, I had 0 self esteem left. I should have kicked him to the curb at the beginning of the relationship, when he told me he had never dated anyone as” heavy” as I was. I weighed 160 pd. Due to the constant criticism, of course I put on more weight. Somewhere along the line I realized that this creep would not be in my corner if something awful were to happen to me physically. I even had an allergic reaction to some meds, and when he took me to the hospital,he acted like it was an embarrassment to him. And you know what the kicker was. The girl he married (months after we broke up) was about 50 heavier than me! And he had been seeing her when he went back home for family funerals. Can you believe that?
So, along with saying that some men are pure dog——, I’ll say it does take a special person to take it on, and God bless them for it.
sets
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 05:55 am: [report]
May be in the opposite spectrum, but I date someone who has hearing loss. I think he’s 60% deaf if I’m not mistaken, wears hearing aids, and unfortunately one of his broke recently so he’s only working on one. I don’t mind it at all, there are things I have to deal with (make sure I face him when I’m speaking, sometimes I repeat what I’m saying, if he doesn’t hear what someone else has said to us I’ll repeat it for him so he can hear it better), and sometimes it gets frustrating (I ask him to do something and he only heard half of it, so half of it gets done.. etc). But it isn’t that bad at all, and it’s just a little thing that we deal with on a day to day basis.
We’ve stuck through things like us both getting sick, me being clumsy and breaking a limb.. And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I would hope that anyone out there—male or female—would keep their eyes open to the possibilities with someone who has a disability too.
I’m so sorry to hear of the cases though where a husband / boyfriend has left due to an illness or disability. So sad.
MoonBabye
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
I’m sure it feels difficult for men as well. Recently went on a blind date with someone who (unbeknown to me but I doubt it would have mattered) has been left severely disabled by brain encephalitis. It felt like there was a good time had by all, but I know that, based on what I’d like to have someday, we aren’t romantically compatible. While it may appear shallow, etc., I feel that it’s a bit difficult to care for and love somebody who is disabled without feeling some level of pity, which is precisely what everyone loathes. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. Yet, I feel there’s a reason why people tend to vow “in sickness and health” on their wedding day, after courting and dating. My 2 cents.
It feels nice to know that there are some exceptions on this site.
snap
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
i feel terrible for people who have a hard time finding love because they are disabled, but i’m not sure if i could date someone with a significant disability. not because of prejudice or ignorance, but because i too only have one life to live and i know what i want in a mate. i know what kind of man i want to be with, and no one has a right to accuse me of intolerance for it. it is the similar to saying that one is not attracted to tall men or to white men or to obese men. or saying that one will not date someone with herpes. we all have preferences, and no one should be expected to make a material sacrifice to accommodate someone else. after a relationship has already begun, that’s different, but when dating begins, i don’t feel obligated to compromise my own needs.
landesign
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]
@MoonBabye. In sickness and in health. The most serious
set of words ever spoken.
I guess disabled people just do what we all do. Put it out there and see if the chemistry is there.
TigerLily
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
Hey,guys, thanks for the responses. I think that it takes a special sort of person to do this, (if I didnt mention that In my 1st post). Its just that there are such shallow guys out there, who will dump you if you gain 20 lbs. But thank God, its not all of them, and if I were ever in that situation, i hope I would find a special sort of personn like that.
DavidForthoffer
wrote on June 28 2009 @ 07:00 am: [report]
EVERYBODY has disabilities, though some are more obvious than others.
pornqueen
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 07:57 am: [report]
@sportzriter: the quote you included at the end of your post “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve my best”....this says it all. I commend all of you for your strength and courage. I don’t consider myself a shallow person but I don’t believe I have what it takes to enter into a relationship with a disability. That might be my disability. I’m fully aware that I might not get the best of people due to my inability to accept their worst. I just feel that some people are born to be more compassionate than others. Just like some people are born to be parents. It’s either in you or it’s not. I think I’m one of those that do not have it. And I’m talking about a relationship, I can be friends with anyone but establihing a long term relationship, I’m afraid not. So I’m with you “um no”, we are not intolerant.
Bayswater
wrote on June 30 2009 @ 08:17 pm: [report]
Dated a wonderful woman in college who had a physical disability. Looking back, she was most likely the one. I worried that I would not have been a good enough of a cheerleader for her. Her self image was in a bad way. As someone from an abused childhood, I wasn’t sure how much I’d have in the tank for her. Never thought much about having to help her as being a negative. Plus, people can be downright cruel. I heard a heckuva lot of “Dude, you can do better than that” comments. Even from family.
Was too young, stupid and insecure to realize she was one of the finest people I’d ever know, and let it fall apart. What’s the point of this rant? Let this be something to think about for some of you guys on the fence. Worthwhile isn’t always easy.
Angieliz
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 03:19 pm: [report]
I’m sitting here in tears as I read this because I am struck by how the universe puts things in your path when you really need them. I am in the midst of being diagnosed with what is probably scleroderma and rheumatoid arthritis. I’m also 22 years old so this is something I never imagined I would have to deal with at such a young age. One of the things I have been thinking about in trying to deal with how my life is going to change is how dating is going to change. I’m not in any hurry to get married and don’t know if I ever will, but it’ll be interesting to see how living with those disorders will change my romantic life.
Tiberian
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 06:20 am: [report]
From a guys perpective, I would have no problems dating a girl with a disability in most cases. Blindness, deafness, or a physical disability…there’s always ways to make it work if you love that person. Most things are not an issue for me.
My only concern would be somebody with a physical injury where they were paralyzed from the waist down or higher. I guess I try to be a sensitive attentive lover. I love to see that my lady partner is having mindblowing sex. I work hard to make sure that is happening.
If that person, could not feel anything I’m not sure they could enjoy sex at all. I would miss seeing a woman orgasm and more importantly learning about that person and growing with them sexually. That would be my only hang up. Could they even still feel pleasure from foreplay even (sucking, stroking the breasts) for example? I just don’t see how it would work.
Sgt. Pepper
wrote on July 3 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]
Does nobody watch TLC occasionally? There was a woman who had an accident and became completely paralized from the waist down and had to use a wheelchair. Not only did this woman meet and marry a wonderful guy but they also had a baby. It wasn’t easy for either party but I couldn’t believe how lucky this woman’s life turned out to be. Her husband was totally devoted to her and their life together and on top of it all he was a good looking guy! As normal as anyone can be these days and financially secure with a good job. By the way, they both even enjoyed sex as she claimed that was one area of her body that still had alot of feeling left. So there is hope for everyone if they look for it!
theoldman
wrote on July 5 2009 @ 06:02 pm: [report]
The most important things you can do are maintain self esteem and be persistent. I have skin cancers from Agent Orange and PTSD. Every one loves a winner and every one roots for the underdog. There will be someone who finds your courage endearing and will want to be part of your success as you over come obstacles. I found that person who made my life immeasurably better. It is never easy but they are there and you will find them in the most unusual places.
Britrz
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 02:59 pm: [report]
Though I have no noticeable disability currently, I have a genetic neurological and physical degenerative disorder, though unlikely, it is possible that it will affect me in the future. This article really made me think about how dating might be if my condition ever becomes severe. As I was diagnosed less than half a year ago, it hasn’t been something that has honestly occurred to me. I just hope that if I ever have to go through that, a guy might be able to look past my condition. I know that wasn’t the case for my mother.
GeraldG
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]
I get very upset with the so called “normal” people. Often, not always, they will not even look at a dissabled person. WOWEVER, likewise, the disabled will very often pull back when approached. I myself am dissabled and many people like myself, even on disabled dating sites, like Soulful
Encounters will pull back from thier “own kind”. It’s hard for us to find a partner even in that world, let alone the “normal” world. I don’t claim that’s always the case, but it’s true most often. Even in marriages where a partner becomes dissabled, there in a very unporportunate number of break-ups.