Girl Talk: Dating As A Bisexual Woman
Posted by: Nikki Dowling
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Friday August 21st 2009
One of the first times I went on a date with a girl, she asked me, “Are you bi or gay?”
“Well, I’m still figuring that out,” I told her.
Her response was: “I knew you were too good to be true.” I then fell all over myself in an effort to explain to her that, although I was unsure about how to define my sexuality, I was definitely into girls, more so than I’m into guys. I am not and have never been bi-curious, bi for attention or bi only when men are around. Since then, I’ve figured out that I’m solely into girls. So I guess I wasn’t too good to be true, huh?
But, alas, in parts of the gay community, being bi or being a lesbian who has hooked up with guys in the past is like having horns or an incurable disease.
This isn’t the case for all girls I have dated, but some lesbians don’t want to date anyone who has been near a penis. Ever. Girls who have always been gay and nothing else carry it like a badge of honor. And, frankly, I’m jealous of them. I wish it was that easy for me to figure it out. But it wasn’t.
I blame the bi-hatred on the rise of girls I will call “Facebook Lesbians.” These are chicks you see on social networking sites and in clubs and bars getting touchy-feely with their platonic girlfriends to get attention from men. (Hello, boob circle photos.) They make being bisexual unacceptable in the eyes of some and are the reason even I can’t say the word without putting air quotes around it. And, although for most of these girls it stops with a kiss or an innocent boob-grab, some of them actually identify themselves as bisexual, thus mucking things up for the whole gay community. I have numerous female friends who think they swing both ways simply because the idea of kissing another girl doesn’t totally repulse them. But would they have a relationship with another woman? No. So are they bi? I don’t think so.
One of my friends in particular finds it necessary to grab my face and plant a wet one on me every time she has had too much to drink. Often she gets the bartender’s attention beforehand. This pisses me off because it is both insensitive and hurtful. She’s assuming I have no problem kissing her because I’m gay. But the fact is, I don’t want to kiss her because she’s my friend and not my type. Straight girls don’t go around making out with their guy friends. (Usually.) So why the double standard?
Luckily, I have met numerous girls who can commiserate. A lot of gay girls I know dated men in, say high school, but grew more and more attracted to women, until the thought of getting with a guy became repulsive. While I believe I was legitimately into dudes when I was younger, I no longer am and don’t see myself ever going back. I have talked about this with a lot of lesbian women and none of us can figure out if we were suppressing our true feelings or if the attraction to men was genuine. For me, growing up, there was simply no other option. I lived in a small, conservative town and that was that. You were straight or you were straight.
So for all you boob-grabbing-attention-seeking-Facebook-lesbians out there, my message to you is this: Don’t kiss me unless you absolutely mean it. I’ll return the favor. OK? Great.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Raugiel
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
This has been an issue long before there was a facebook. :(
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 10:17 am: [report]
“So for all you boob-grabbing-attention-seeking-Facebook-lesbians out there, my message to you is this: Don’t kiss me unless you absolutely mean it. I’ll return the favor. OK? Great.”
Or you’ll sock them with a right jab followed by a left hook?
Nikki Dowling
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse..haha! How did you know?
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]
@Nikki: Good guess? Or just that I am utterly terrified of you.
majicksand
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
Bravo. I’m straight and the “gay or bi cause it’s trendy” crowd bugs the crap out of me. Like many women, I’ve dabbled out of curiousity, but I knew (and she knew) that’s all it ever was. I’m not a lesbian. I’m not even bi-sexual. If someone else is, cool. But the whole “I think I’ll be gay for a while” thing? That’s just annoying.
tabby
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]
And this is precisely why I am freaked out to go on dates with girls, because my lesbian friends bitch about bi girls not really being into women and being compared to scum. While I admit there are lots of “bi for guys” chicks out there, I would like for the hottie at the next table over not to assume that I am one when I would love to kiss her cause I mean it but I also happen to like penis too.
xifeng882
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:12 am: [report]
@tabby: agreed. Its becoming a problem. I don’t date many girls anymore because all that happens is they figure out I’m bi and dump me because they’re convinced that I’ll eventually leave them for a guy. I’ve dated a few guys who thought I was going to leave them for a woman but its not as frequent. I feel like I can’t tell people my sexuality because they’re going to get the wrong idea. What is this fear of bi women and why is everyone convinced we’re going to leave them for someone of the opposite sex. Its not like straight and gay/lesbian people don’t cheat on occasion.
majicksand
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Umm… just reread my comment. I really need italics for correct emphasis. Just to be clear, I meant that if the phenomenon bothers me and I’m straight, I can only imagine how much it must offend someone more directly affected. Sorry about any confusion.
skywalk
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
I kiss some of my girlfriends when I’m out and its not for male attention, I’m very happily married. I just get affectionate when I’m drinking, I’ve never been with a girl but I do get girl crushes sometimes. I’ve been hanging out with my first girl crush lately and we kiss all the time. I’m not sure if I’m bi curious or just having fun. But what is with the boob grabbing, I get a lot attention due to my breasts from both males and females (I guess I have a nice rack) but girls grab my boobs constantly, I’ve even had women who I just met do it. By the way I own a bar, so I am around women a lot when they are drinking.
*sam*
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
I have to admit I was one of those girls… when I was like 16 and did *a lot* of dumber things than just make out with my best friend b/c it was the only way to get my bf’s attention. and I’ve also been guilty of the occasional girl make-out while intoxicated. (and for the record, the other participants have always been straight too, so it’s certainly not as though I was leading anyone on) However, I have never gone around claiming to be bi. I know I’m straight. trust me, I’ve given it a good effort, and have discussed the topic at *great* length with my best friend when she came out, and the verdict is, and has always been, “Hopelessly Hetero.” While I agree that the “bi for guys” (GREAT title btw) girls are annoying and ruining for the legitimately bi-sexual & non-“gold star” lesbian crowd, insinuating that all straight girls that occasionally enjoy kissing other girls are like this, is just as annoying. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to explain to people(mostly just guys) that just b/c I’ve kissed a girl or two in my lifetime, does not mean that I’m bi and willing to give you a threesome!! It also doesn’t mean that I’m just doing it for the attention of a penis!! If I kiss a girl, chances are, it’s because I want to kiss her. It isn’t a sexual thing for me, it’s just a kissing thing. and for the record, I’ve been told by enough lesbians that I’m “obviously not gay OR bi” to know that I’m *probably* not misleading *anyone* save a naive guy or two.
ugh, people need to just assuming things about others and get over this bi-trendy thing. It’s ruining so many things for so many people!!!
bogart4017
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
I don’t know why this would be an issue. I’ve dated bi-girls long before it was popular. Whether she was with a man or woman when she wasnt with me didnt matter to me at all. I simply thought when she figures out whether she prefers men or women she’s gonna be a keeper.
sadie
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
agree with Sam. Most people are not a perfect Kinsey 1 or 10 (whether they admit it or not). Judging/policing the sexual behavior of anyone is just as unacceptable as Jesus freaks criticizing or trying to convert gay people.
If someone is engaging in intimate behavior just to please others I feel sorry for them but that’s about it. I don’t really take the general population’s ignorance about sexual orientation out on them.
xifeng882
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
@sam: I love that “Hopelessy Hetero”. I was trying to figure out a term for some of my friends who wish they were bi. That’s perfect, I’m going to use that from now now. Thanks!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
@saide: Kinsy goes 1 through 6.
sadie
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]
sorry perfect 1 or 6.
lawyrgrl
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]
I have always been rather uncomfortable with this. To me, it is comparable to attending the church of a friend. I am genuinely curious and would like to learn more about it because there is comething that intrigues me. However, the people who are already “in the pews” have every right to expect that anyone else who is there is as committed as they are. To potentially attend for a few weeks and then not show back up again seems insulting to their beliefs.
My honest question though is, if you think that you have possible leanings in the direction of women, is it really necessary to abandon all association with with men to find out how you really feel? Is it truly unkind just to want to experiment? I have been attracted to women but am primarily attracted to men. I never acted on the attraction because I did not want to lead anyone on. I know that I will always want my primary relationship to be with a man but that does not change the fact that I have a certain amount of curiosity about being with a woman.
My failure to act because of knowing that the sex would be only casual seems almost “sexist” though. There have been men that I was attracted to, knew that there was NO chance of a relationship with and had sex with anyway. Is my reluctance to engage in that type of behaviour with a woman actual kindness or is it actually saying that they must be treated with “kid gloves” because they are different than men?
I would be really interested in hearing the opinions of the rest of you.
majicksand
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
@lawyrgrl: My two cents? As long as you are up front about how you feel, it shouldn’t be a problem. The other woman is an adult and capable of deciding for herself whether or not she’s interested in a fling. It’s only a problem if you’re pretending to be something you’re not.
*sam*
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]
@xifeng882: lol, no problem!! yeah, that was the only term that we could come up with to aptly describe me. that one and “gayest straight person EVER.” lol my gay friends always joke and tell me “OMG, you’re SUCH a homo!!” all the time, but when it comes down to it, I’m just not sexually attracted to women (no matter how hard I try, lol). *sigh*
spatula
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]
@sam THANKYOU THANKYOU! Your first comment was literally exactly everything I wanted to say, but I was biting my tongue. Glad you didnt!!
I Go To 11
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]
I’ve known I swing both ways since high school. However, I found it very difficult to get dates with lesbians because they’d immediately say, “No thanks” once they knew I liked dudes, too. One of my really good friends, who’s a lesbian, told me that this is quite common with the gay community. (Don’t know if she meant the gay community in general or just where we lived; any thoughts, LGBT’ers?) I’d also get really, really shy around women I found attractive for some reason. I’ve dated some women in the past, and I still find women attractive, but I prefer being in relationships with men. (Maybe it’s because the women I dated were psychotic?) I’m still into the idea of getting it on with women again, but can’t bring myself to do it because I’m so committed to my fiance (although he swears he’d have no problem with it if I did.) After awhile, I’d stopped referring to myself as bisexual and instead call myself “label-free”.
I read somewhere that it’s very common for women to find other women attractive, but that’s not necessarily the same for men. I’m having a brain fart remembering where, though.
I Go To 11
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]
Oh, FWIW, I can’t stand the “bi for guys” chicks, either. LAME.
skywalk
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
@ I GO To 11: This is the deal typically with men it is black and white, but with women there is many colors of gray. At least I read this somewhere.
I Go To 11
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
@ skywalk: Maybe we read the same article!
It’s bugging me that I can’t remember where I saw that…
ootie
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
I totally agree with Sam. There are girls out there that kiss other girls for attention, but I don’t think its fair to cast anyone who isn’t interested in a same-sex relationship in that category. There are many reason a seemingly straight girl would want to hook up with the same sex: there are some people that are only somewhat attracted to the same sex, there are some people that are genuinely curious, and I believe there are some people that are attracted to one sex at one time in their life and another at a different time. I don’t subscribe to the belief that sexuality is always static or clear cut. Maybe if we didn’t pressure everyone to define themselves in terms of three definitive categories, girls who like a lil lady lovin when they’re drunk wouldn’t feel the need to start calling themselves bisexual.
*sam*
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]
@I go to 11: no, it’s not just where you live, it’s everywhere. The bi community as a whole has a problem fitting in anywhere in general. The gay community (typically) tends to think of being bi as either 1)a pit stop on the road to full gay-dom or 2)a ploy to get attention from the opposite sex while being totally trendy at the same time. While the straight community just looks at a bisexual and considers only the latter.
and being my “hopelessly hetero” gay-pride self, I’ve also noticed that in some parts of the gay community, I’m not wanted at all. It’s really tough going to a gay bar by yourself in a new town to make friends when you’re not gay. I’ve had so many people tell me “the guys here don’t want you, and neither do the girls, so just leave!” that it’s really frustrating. I just wish that they would understand that just because I’m in a gay bar doesn’t mean I’m looking for a hook up!! I just like the atmosphere better and I’m looking to meet new people!! SHEESH!!
Ginger
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
I don’t think that I could ever date a girl.
It’s not because I’m not attracted to them. I get crushes on girls more than on guys, but I sleep with guys. My problem is that I love women, I love kissing them (more than I like kissing guys), I love their legs and their boobs and everything else.
But I’m not 100% sure that I could sleep with a woman. I would be fine with having her do stuff to me, but I’m not sure I could reciprocate. I’ve never tried though so I’m not ruling it out. It’s just that if I ended up not digging that, I’d think it would be really unfair for me to try to date another woman if I wasn’t willing to reciprocate.
And I’m not that way for guys or any sort of attention. And I’ve actually been told by lesbians that I’d be an awesome one. I’m not entirely sure what they mean by that, but it makes me feel a little better about being confused.
mayorbubbles
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]
@ginger
You took the words out of my mouth. I’ve been trying to figure out how to word out what i wanted to say but you’ve done it for me :D
Arsenic
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
Hear hear!
As a bi girl myself I have exactly this same problem. I have always known I liked both sexes, but it is so hard to find a woman who is both my type, into me, AND ok with me being bi that I’ve all but given up on dating women entirely.
That being said, it’s definitely more difficult for the bisexual guys out there- for guys, being with a bi chick is seen as a badge of honor or invitation to threesomes (gross), but many chicks out there would dump their guy to the curb if they knew he were bi. Hell, I’ve heard many people deny that bisexual men even *exist*.
Ginger
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
@ Mayorbubbles Glad I could word things for you.
majicksand
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]
@Arsenic: Now I KNOW I’m weird. I dated this guy once who, mid fight about something completely unrelated, announced he was bi. My response? Ahhh, that explains sooo much. There were little things about him that were different that I just couldn’t put my finger on.
I wasn’t pissed, I was curious. I’ve had lots of gay friends but none I was close enough to that I felt comfortable asking really personal questions. I figured I could ask whatever I wanted since THIS guy was already sleeping with me! No go. Not only did he refuse to talk about it, he seemed mad that I didn’t freak out. Personally, I think he wanted me to react badly so he’d have something to throw in my face when I called him out for bad behavior.
Needless to say, the relationship quickly fizzled after that. Not because he was bi but because he was an inconsiderate, immature jerk.
Arsenic
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 02:12 pm: [report]
@majicksand
As always, there are guys who are bi and jerks, just like there are guys who are straight or gay and jerks.
majicksand
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
@Arsenic: Like I said, his being bi had nothing to do with the break-up. I’ve dated - and dumped many a jerk, and he was the only one that was bi (that I know of). I just found it interesting that in this day and age most people seem to still be so hung up on orientation. As long as he doesn’t think being bi gives him an excuse to step out on me, I’m good.
Thankfully, I’m married now, so it no longer matters in my world.
On another note, my “foster” son revealed that he’s bi the other day. I’m happy that he felt comfortable sharing since neither of his biological parents know.
Coral
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 03:04 pm: [report]
I have always had a problem with the term bisexual because of the negative connotations to it. I agree with you Sam though because not everyone who has kissed a girl is in that ‘bi for guys’ category. I am straight, and I have never really questioned it. Of course no one is fully straight or fully gay, and people fall in the middle. And I have no problem with people who feel the need to experiment with their sexuality. But I do think that many young girls (and some guys) do not necessarily understand the difference between sexual attraction and recognizing attractiveness, and therefore, some will engage in ‘bi for guys’ behavior.
karmakaze
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 07:44 pm: [report]
I have sort of the opposite problem. I’m totally straight and have had at least 2 of my bi friends ‘make out’ with me. I hated it. I was really uncomfortable and forced into a situation that I didn’t want to be in…but I went through with it because I didn’t want to seem like a bitch…funny how that works out, huh?
It’s a problem that pisses me off to no end that many girls are magically bi after alcohol and in the company of other men. If you’re going to kiss another guy/girl, do it with feeling and because you really want to. Not for attention.
LostInStars
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 08:11 pm: [report]
I call myself bi because that’s the easiest way to explain my sexuality to those who ask. I am physically more attracted to women, I love women. But mentally, it seems I always click with men. And they’re usually girly looking men! I don’t go for the hirsute buff dude who could double as a Brawny Man. I go for the pillowly lips and soft eyes and smooth skin girly men. Maybe I’m just meeting the wrong girls so far, (afterall, I do live in a small, conservative town where there’s pretty much only two kinds of girls, neither of which are appealing to me). Anyway, I’m rambling.
One of my best friends in high school heard that I was bisexual and thought that would be a good way for her to get attention (which I don’t understand, since I didn’t go around flaunting it and I didn’t get any undue attention for it) so she’s been pretending to be bi in her spare time, getting drunk and trying to grind up on other girls. Of course, that’s only when dudes are around. Girls like that are ruining it for the girls who mean it.
coffeelover
wrote on August 22 2009 @ 12:56 am: [report]
@ ginger
I dunno…sounds like you are really into women (I don’t think straight women think about other women’s “boobs, legs and everything else”)! I don’t think there is anything wrong with figuring that out as long as you both know what’s up, up front. I have found that being in a relationship with a woman is a lot like dating a guy. Don’t get me wrong, there are some differences, but people are people and relationships are relationships. We all have our stuff.
Anyway, I was scared as hell the first time I was with a woman but it was in that moment I realized what I had been missing all of my life. That’s when I knew. I love women and always will (even if I think Dermot Mulroney is cute).
Don’t be afraid to live your truth.
Ginger
wrote on August 22 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]
@ Coffeelover Thank you for that.
Ellie76
wrote on August 22 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]
@ Arsenic:
I have the same problem. I also just about gave up on women and then out of nowhere I found a great woman and she doesn’t care that I like dudes. At first I semi-consciously majorly downplayed the fact. But then it came up and she was totally open about it. Don’t give up!
majicksand
wrote on August 22 2009 @ 11:37 am: [report]
@Coffeelover & Ginger: I certainly can’t speak to “normal” since being on the Frisky has reinforced what I already knew. I’m weird. That being said, I find the female form utterly enticing, but I am definitely straight. Nikki actually asked the best question I’ve ever heard within the article: would you ever date a woman?
My answer is no. Would I make out with another woman as an isolated incident? Absolutely - would and have. All I’m saying is in as much as you shouldn’t deny your feelings if you think you might be gay/bi sexual, I also don’t think you should decide you must be simply because you find women attractive.
Even if that’s “weird”, you’re not alone. Good luck to you in your quest to figure it all out.
Steffie
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 04:53 am: [report]
I might be the weirdest of all. Hetero, Homo, and Bi mean very little when it comes to sexuality for me. Love and sex are tied closely for me, and I have people of both sexes whom I love and love to be with. Just because a guy or girl is hot or attractive, there’s little bearing on my sexual drive for them. I fell in love with my husband because he stimulates my mind. I fell in love with my girlfriend of more than ten years because she’s a wonderful person. There are the “bi for boys” girls who hear I’m “bi” and want to be with me, but I wouldn’t be with them because they’re not attractive to me in that other, elusive way. Had I never met my husband, I’d be running off to Massachusetts or Iowa with her. I am extremely lucky because they know and love each other as well. To me, love seems to be the key component here, not necessarily sex.
The world needs more of it, uninhibited and unconditional.
But, whatever floats your boat.
jedichica
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 07:22 pm: [report]
I call it “Bar Sexual”.
I have never experimented or ever was curious, until I fell in love with her….....
We dated and lived together for over a year. I was well into my adult years, and completely blown away. I have since labeled myself, after many years of thought, as Bi Sexual.
It was a huge accomplishment for me, and important.
From that point on lesbians don’t take me seriously, and men can think its a threat.
I haven’t dated a woman seriously since, not for my lack of trying, my social circle just involves me meeting more men than women.
To bring my rambling point around, the bar-sexual women out there can sometimes wreck it for us that want the real thing. But since I’ve started looking for it, all I get is the drunken crap now.
jedichica
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 07:28 pm: [report]
@ Steffie
Very well said. I feel the same way, and male or female, it has always been the mind or attitude. Perhaps those of us requiring that type of attraction can find it easier in both sexes.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 07:32 pm: [report]
@jedi-chica (there fixed that for you): It was less rambling than you thought. It was actually quite insightful.
jedichica
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 08:10 pm: [report]
@CheeeeEEEse I’m glad it makes sense to someone
Maybe this is why I have three cats!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 09:25 pm: [report]
@jedi-chica (Fixed it again): Only 2 for me, I’m allergic to dogs, you see.
agum6
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 02:53 pm: [report]
I would have to call myself bi-curious, as I have not had an actual experience with a girl. However I have been attracted to girls for around 10 years and truly want to be with girls, I’ve just been too scared to try anything up until recently. I am married and my husband is aware of how I feel and accepts it. I love him and being with him sexually but also can’t keep myself from thinking about going down on a girl. And not for him, he doesn’t need to be involved at all, this is just for me. So does that make me an outcast in the gay community…?