Woman Dating A Bisexual Man

Posted by: Jocelyn Nubel | Filed in: Relationships
1:30PM, Saturday December 13th 2008

Emotional cripples. Religious zealots. Man-babies. My recent dating roster could serve as a police lineup of degenerates, liars, and serious let downs. Naturally, I’m hypersensitive to red flags these days. So when a guy I’m interested in tells me—post hook-up—that he’s a “nasty little bisexual,” shouldn’t I run? Perhaps. But once I got the initial panic out of the way (okay, I called my friend and frantically yelled: “911! 911!”), I let his confession marinate. Then I decided I’m not going anywhere. Or, if I do, it’ll have nothing to do with his half-gayness.

Granted, when the guy came out of his demi-closet to me, I didn’t know him very well. I’d met him a week or so prior, when was in town from Chicago, visiting a friend of mine. Needless to say, I was a sucker for him right from the start. He’s completely and totally adorable, and sometimes even sports a newsboy cap (reminiscent of Christian Bale in “Newsies,” which has provided me with sexual fantasy fodder since 1992). He also happens to harbor a sweetness that many New York City guys seem to lack. So, we made out near the bathroom at the bar, and then I took him home with me.

He gave no indication he swings both ways. The bedroom stuff was hot. Really hot. Neck biting and hair pulling hot. He was aggressive and self-assured, and not at all afraid of my girlie parts. For the record, if that’s half-gay, I’ll swing that way any night of the week.

So when he told me the following week that he was bisexual, and that I’d have known that if I knew him in Chicago, I couldn’t help myself. Immediately, I felt rejected and like I’d been duped. It’s just that so many gay guys I know have started out by saying they’re bi. Catch up with them a year or two later, and there ain’t a girl in sight. He assured me that wasn’t the case, and based on my experiences with him, I had to agree: He likes girls. He likes girls a lot, in fact.

I’m pretty open-minded. In some ways, I was disappointed in myself that I’d been so surprised by his bi-side. I don’t know if it’s because I’m obsessed with “The L Word,” but bi was something I’d mentally assigned to girls, not guys – and especially not to guys I was seeing. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve believed people aren’t wired to be gay, straight, or otherwise. I think anybody has the capacity to fall in love with anyone, and gender has nothing to do with it. And this guy? He gets that. That’s a really good thing, in my book. Also, he sometimes wears eyeliner when he goes out. Hello, Brandon Flowers fantasy.

To be honest, I’d never before considered it a turn on to picture a guy I’m into making out with another guy, but there’s just something about this one. He gets me so worked up, so sexually excited, and I guarantee if I saw that in action, it’d get me all hot and bothered. I’ve recently confessed to him that he’s like crack—and I’m addicted. (I know, I’m so romantical.) While most of this has to do with his entirely charming self, I think some of it can be attributed to the fact that in a short period of time he’s turned me on to a whole new way of thinking. He’s managed to surprise me, and that in itself is intriguing.

Despite the advice I’ve received from some of my friends, him being bi is nowhere near a dealbreaker for me. I love how open-minded he is. If anything’s going to keep me from dating this guy, it’s distance—not his affinity for dick.

DBOX
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 03:41 pm:

[report]

the world needs more open-minded people. who cares if a guy swings both ways so long as he’s respecting you and worshipping your girlie parts? beats a 100% straight douchebag any day.

tabby
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 03:43 pm:

Here’s a little encouragement. My current boyfriend is bisexual and it is the best relationship I’ve ever been in. He is very into hot, kinky, sweet, wild sex with me. But he also doesn’t behave or think like a “typical guy”, thank goodness. In fact, we joke around that he is the closest I could ever come to getting to date/have sex with/fall in love with one of my best gay boys. Plus it is kinda fun to discuss how we both think Vin Diesel is hot. So good luck and I hope you will be happy.

aftermetheflood
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 05:27 pm:

During the course of my current relationship (with a man) I came to terms with my bisexuality. I was so afraid of what he would think when I came out to him. The fact that he completely accepted me, and didn’t allow it to make him feel insecure made our relationship so much stronger. And maybe more importantly, it gave me additional room in which to accept and love myself. Much like your situation, it seems to sort of turn him on. And we have the same taste in women sometimes, which is great.

So thanks for being one more person who didn’t allow the unknown to drive you away. I can’t speak for your guy, but I love my boyfriend as much as I ever did, and he knows that this does not take away from our relationship in any way.

Jocelyn Nubel
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 02:44 am:

@tabby, @aftermetheflood, thanks for the encouragement, ladies! you give me the warm and fuzzies!

sunnyfl
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 11:47 pm:

we joke around that he is the closest I could ever come to getting to date/have sex with/fall in love with one of my best gay boys.
23 loney Bi
http://www.FindBilover.com
bisexual singles and couples

juliePS
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 11:02 am:

I was waiting for the bi-phobia to pop up here but it didn’t, really, and I’m very grateful for that. As a queer woman who dates both genders I’ve had to deal with a lot of the old stereotypes, but in a way I think bi men have it a lot harder--nobody seems to think I’m secretly 100% gay, or less of a woman, or anything like that.

Though, I’ve never dated a bi guy until right now, when I am dating two of ‘em, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Michael
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 11:08 am:

as a guy that is beginning to realize/explore his own bi-sexual curiosity, I would like to see this conversation keep going

Amelia
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 11:18 am:

@Michael @juliePS So I’m going to admit to a little bit of bi-phobia, in the interests of being honest AND continuing the conversation. When Jocelyn said she wanted to write this piece, I was really interested to see what her take would be on it because I’ve always been a little turned off by the idea of a guy who considers himself bisexual. I know it’s my own hang up, truly, but I guess I can’t wrap my head around the idea that a guy who receives anal sex (and I’m not saying all bisexual men do) isn’t gay. Irrational and close-minded? Probably.

So my question to Michael would be—if he wouldn’t mind answering—are you attracted to men and women in the same way? Or is there something different about your attraction the each gender?

Michael
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 11:43 am:

@Amelia - it’s totally different. I guess I started getting curious about a year ago, and I found a website that has been very helpful understanding it(won’t link it, but send me a pm and I will tell you), and apparently there are quite a few guys that feel in a similar manner to me. I don’t find myself attracted to guys, I don’t see Vin Diesel or anyone else and think “wow there’s someone I would like to get with” like I would with someone like say Kate Beckinsale. I’m not into kissing or body contact with a guy. But I did find mutual hand and oral sex to be a good time. Hope that explains it better. Feel free to ask anything, I’ll do my best to answer.

Amelia
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 11:47 am:

@Michael I will send you a PM, would love to check out that site. I never really thought about it in the way you explained. Do you have romantic feelings towards men? Like you could have a relationship with a man the way, I assume, you’ve had relationships with women? Good for you for exploring your curiosity!

Michael
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 02:13 pm:

a relationship? no definitely not, there are no romantic feelings involved.

aftermetheflood
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 09:00 pm:

@Amelia, @Michael- I just feel that I need to add another perspective to Michael’s. I am a bisexual woman, but I have had genuine sexual attractions to women AND men and genuine romantic feelings for women AND men.

He says that he doesn’t look at men and find them attractive, which is puzzling to me. I look at certain men and find them attractive and have the same feelings about certain women I see. The quality of my feelings is very similar. There are some things I find attractive across genders, and some things that I am really only drawn to in one gender or the other.

Michael’s perspective is valid, but I think that many (maybe most) bisexual people, like me, are not just curious, and know that they are physically attracted to men and women and also know that they could fall in love with a man or a woman.

Maybe that difference is what you are trying to indicate by identifying as bi-curious, Michael?

deej
wrote on November 26 2008 @ 02:11 pm:

Just joined and adding my 1.3 cents:

I am very much like Michael - very physically and emotionally attracted to women, but have enjoyed a little sex play with men. My experiences with guys are very few and fairly recent (last 5 years). It’s still new to me but I’m becoming more interested in it being a more regular part of my sex life.

I would not call myself bi-sexual. I believe that term indicates an equal attraction to both genders. I am not interested in a romantic relationship with a man. I do not desire kissing or cuddling or candlelight dinners with a man. I don’t check guys out when I’m out. And I am not interested in anal sex. But, I am attracted to a nice penis and have enjoyed playing them. But almost everything about women I find attractive, even the screwy stuff! The term I use to describe myself, since we all need labels (pfft.), is hetero-flexible. Mostly hetero, but flexible in some ways. I imagine there might be a few homo-flexible people out there, but haven’t met one yet.

charliecat
wrote on December 14 2008 @ 12:09 am:

@Michael @Amelia - I’d like to check out that website as well. I’ve been dating a fantastic guy who confided in me that he had similiar experiences/thoughts to what you’ve described i.e. - he’s not emotionally or romantically attracted to men, but has enjoyed sexual adventures with other men in the past. I’ve accepted this as part of who he is, but wouldn’t mind learning more since it took me a bit to understand that he’s “Straight” just adventurous.

Thanks!

Holly Page
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 09:32 pm:

The comments really highlight the shortcomings of our labels. Like Michael and Deej, I am emotionally and romantically attracted to men, but enjoy sex play with women. I don’t identify as bisexual, mostly because I’ve never had to identify, but also because, like aftermetheflood indicates, I feel like the term bisexual at least implies equal attraction to each gender, if not full-on relationship possibilities. I hate labeling, but if I had to pick, I’d say I was bi-comfortable.

With that out of the way, I’d totally be open to dating a man whose orientation or bisexuality was similar to mine, but I’m not sure how I would feel dating a man who truly could date either gender; that’s a lot of sexual/romantic possibility. It’s challenging enough being married to a man that is attracted to all kinds of women:)

JustaNotherGirl
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 04:59 am:

My story is more of the other side of the coin. I was with my (supposedly straight) boyfriend for 4 years before he told me of his sexual attraction to men. Now I’m not a bigot, but the man I was attracted to and developed a relationship with had told me that he was straight for 4 years. So finding out that it wasn’t the case was a HUGE blow.

As much as I loved him, and still do, I can’t be with a man who has sex with other men. Period. I’m not anti-anal either, lots of straight men enjoy anal. They just enjoy recieving it from a woman.

Instead of asking him to repress who he felt he was, I broke it off. He’s still dating women and has yet to confide in any girlfriend he’s had since me. Probably because of the rejection he found with me once he had told.

Being bi isn’t something I think is wrong or bad or anything like that, but springing it on someone who has grown to love you as a straight person isn’t exactly confidence inspiring.

Besides that, sexual orientation has nothing to do with whether or not you’re faithful to your partner. Having bi feelings is completely different from acting on it and expecting your partner to be ok with you having sex with other people.

sandr
wrote on April 03 2009 @ 12:29 am:

I totally get what Michael is saying. I consider myself mostly straight, but every few years have a mmf situation and
do some male/male. I don’t hit on guys in the street or pursue men. I don’t date guys. It’s just a sexual act type of thing that I find hot and can occur (or not) in a mmf situation.
That said, It’s sooooooooooo annoying how women perceive this as a big deal and turn it into something it isn’t in their minds. Worry more about a guy leaving you for another women that some concern about him turning gay.

traveller
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 09:49 am:

It’s good to see this conversation going on. I’m the same way as Michael and some of the other guys. I have no romantic attraction towards men, don’t have any desire to look at guys on the street ro to kiss a man, I don’t fantasize about men, etc. There is no comparison between how I feel wbout women and how I feel about men. All the same, I’ve had several sexual encounters with a few men (close friends) over the years. These were all limited to providing receiving oral, there had to be straight porn involved (and once or twice a woman), and it was just all about “getting off” and having a sexual experience. This has freaked out a couple gfs when I have told them, because they immediately assume there must be something deeper going on. The thing is, there are lots of guys who are NOT closeted homosexuals nor repressed bisexuals but just “straight” guys who occasionally will engage in sex play with another guy if an opportunity presents itself. Any advice on how or when to bring this up in a relationship with a woman so that she doesn’t freak? I’m running out of ideas, but the thought of not being able to talk openly about this with someone I love is unthinkable to me.

sandr
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 07:31 pm:

very difficult to say. for me, it would totally depend on how important the woman is to me. if it’s a woman that i slept with on the first or second date, i totally don’t care and will tell her within a week. if it’s like “that person” who you want a real relationship with....drop hints or talk about like “one of my friends told his girlfriend he’s been with guys and she totally flipped”. If her reaction is like “i would flip too, that’s sooo gross”, lol...then there’s your answer. From there....it’s up to you. gulp lol

danijerzygirl
wrote on April 18 2009 @ 11:08 am:

I dated a guy in college who was bisexual. One night while having sex, his roomate came into his bedroom after we had sex and wanted to join us. I was surprised, but ok with it - he was so cute. In a moment of bravado, I reached out for Rick and he came in to bed with Tim and I. I reached down to Ricks crotch to find a hand already there and I was taken back to see my Tim’s hand massaging his roomates penis. I leaned back and watched as they got in to each other, it was quite hot. They soon reached out to include me in there session. I felt Rick touching me softly then felt Tim begin to give me oral sex - even after he orgasmed in me twice earlier in the night. It was hot watching him do this while Rick and I kissed and fondled each other. Rick started kissing me down towards my crotch, but kept on going and was kissing Tim, until he positioned himself behind my boyfriend. I watched him put lube on his penis and smile at me as he mounted my boyfriends touche. I was so caught up in the moment and how sexy Rick looked and Tim giving me oral I had an intense orgasm listening to my boyfriend moan while his hot roomate took him like a pro. Rick and Tim are about the same size and I know what he felt like in my ass. I watched in amazement and awe when Rick lifted Tim up and I saw his totally erect and playing with himself. I so wanted him like he wanted Rick. It was so hot watching them and was totally in awe when Rick orgasmed in my boyfriends ass while my boyfriend moaned and masturbated himself to an orgasm. Tim fell to the bed and Rick stood there in all his glory and total pride in his prowess. Tim looked up at me and asked if I was ok with all of this? I said I was and asked how long he and Rick were lovers. He said since Freshman year. I asked does he always do you? He said no, we do each other anally and orally often. I was overwhelmed. I asked if he needed anything to clean up, he said yes if I had a tampon so as not to leak on the carpet and bed. I went to the potty to freshen up and came back to them in bed together. I climbed in and Tim and I went at it on Rick. Within the hour, I watched my sexy boyfriend lube his erect penis and take his hot roomate anally. Rick moaned and smiled telling me he knew how I felt when Tim and I have sex. I was so turned on all I could do was turn over and put Rick in me while Tim was in Rick. It was very hot seeing all of this in a mirror go on behind me. I had several intense orgasms as I watched my boyfriend screw his hot sexy roomate and his roomate screwed me. I dated Tim for a few more months until the end of the year. We had this 3 way a couple of times and experimented with me using a strap on on them too. I had sex a couple of times with Rick alone, but Tim always knew. It was so hot getting done by my boyfriends roomate, then when he was done with me, watching my boyfriend take my lover and make him moan and groan like I do. Oh well that was a long time ago, I still like to muse about those days and wonder if I ever will experience that again with my husband.

Njaramba
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 05:28 am:

At first I wasnt too keen on the idea but after reading danijerzygirl’s hot story ,I’ve hard a change of heart.