Girl Talk: Dating A Bi-Guy
Posted by: Jocelyn Nubel | Filed in: Relationships
11:30AM, Saturday December 13th 2008
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Emotional cripples. Religious zealots. Man-babies. My recent dating roster could serve as a police lineup of degenerates, liars, and serious let downs. Naturally, I’m hypersensitive to red flags these days. So when a guy I’m interested in tells me—post hook-up—that he’s a “nasty little bisexual,” shouldn’t I run? Perhaps. But once I got the initial panic out of the way (okay, I called my friend and frantically yelled: “911! 911!”), I let his confession marinate. Then I decided I’m not going anywhere. Or, if I do, it’ll have nothing to do with his half-gayness.
Granted, when the guy came out of his demi-closet to me, I didn’t know him very well. I’d met him a week or so prior, when was in town from Chicago, visiting a friend of mine. Needless to say, I was a sucker for him right from the start. He’s completely and totally adorable, and sometimes even sports a newsboy cap (reminiscent of Christian Bale in “Newsies,” which has provided me with sexual fantasy fodder since 1992). He also happens to harbor a sweetness that many New York City guys seem to lack. So, we made out near the bathroom at the bar, and then I took him home with me.
He gave no indication he swings both ways. The bedroom stuff was hot. Really hot. Neck biting and hair pulling hot. He was aggressive and self-assured, and not at all afraid of my girlie parts. For the record, if that’s half-gay, I’ll swing that way any night of the week.
So when he told me the following week that he was bisexual, and that I’d have known that if I knew him in Chicago, I couldn’t help myself. Immediately, I felt rejected and like I’d been duped. It’s just that so many gay guys I know have started out by saying they’re bi. Catch up with them a year or two later, and there ain’t a girl in sight. He assured me that wasn’t the case, and based on my experiences with him, I had to agree: He likes girls. He likes girls a lot, in fact.
I’m pretty open-minded. In some ways, I was disappointed in myself that I’d been so surprised by his bi-side. I don’t know if it’s because I’m obsessed with “The L Word,” but bi was something I’d mentally assigned to girls, not guys – and especially not to guys I was seeing. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve believed people aren’t wired to be gay, straight, or otherwise. I think anybody has the capacity to fall in love with anyone, and gender has nothing to do with it. And this guy? He gets that. That’s a really good thing, in my book. Also, he sometimes wears eyeliner when he goes out. Hello, Brandon Flowers fantasy.
To be honest, I’d never before considered it a turn on to picture a guy I’m into making out with another guy, but there’s just something about this one. He gets me so worked up, so sexually excited, and I guarantee if I saw that in action, it’d get me all hot and bothered. I’ve recently confessed to him that he’s like crack—and I’m addicted. (I know, I’m so romantical.) While most of this has to do with his entirely charming self, I think some of it can be attributed to the fact that in a short period of time he’s turned me on to a whole new way of thinking. He’s managed to surprise me, and that in itself is intriguing.
Despite the advice I’ve received from some of my friends, him being bi is nowhere near a dealbreaker for me. I love how open-minded he is. If anything’s going to keep me from dating this guy, it’s distance—not his affinity for dick.
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DBOX
[report]wrote on November 19 2008 @ 12:41 pm:
the world needs more open-minded people. who cares if a guy swings both ways so long as he’s respecting you and worshipping your girlie parts? beats a 100% straight douchebag any day.
tabby
[report]wrote on November 19 2008 @ 12:43 pm:
Here’s a little encouragement. My current boyfriend is bisexual and it is the best relationship I’ve ever been in. He is very into hot, kinky, sweet, wild sex with me. But he also doesn’t behave or think like a “typical guy”, thank goodness. In fact, we joke around that he is the closest I could ever come to getting to date/have sex with/fall in love with one of my best gay boys. Plus it is kinda fun to discuss how we both think Vin Diesel is hot. So good luck and I hope you will be happy.
aftermetheflood
[report]wrote on November 19 2008 @ 02:27 pm:
During the course of my current relationship (with a man) I came to terms with my bisexuality. I was so afraid of what he would think when I came out to him. The fact that he completely accepted me, and didn’t allow it to make him feel insecure made our relationship so much stronger. And maybe more importantly, it gave me additional room in which to accept and love myself. Much like your situation, it seems to sort of turn him on. And we have the same taste in women sometimes, which is great.
So thanks for being one more person who didn’t allow the unknown to drive you away. I can’t speak for your guy, but I love my boyfriend as much as I ever did, and he knows that this does not take away from our relationship in any way.
Jocelyn Nubel
[report]wrote on November 19 2008 @ 11:44 pm:
@tabby, @aftermetheflood, thanks for the encouragement, ladies! you give me the warm and fuzzies!
sunnyfl
[report]wrote on November 20 2008 @ 08:47 pm:
we joke around that he is the closest I could ever come to getting to date/have sex with/fall in love with one of my best gay boys.
23 loney Bi
http://www.FindBilover.com
bisexual singles and couples
juliePS
[report]wrote on November 21 2008 @ 08:02 am:
I was waiting for the bi-phobia to pop up here but it didn’t, really, and I’m very grateful for that. As a queer woman who dates both genders I’ve had to deal with a lot of the old stereotypes, but in a way I think bi men have it a lot harder--nobody seems to think I’m secretly 100% gay, or less of a woman, or anything like that.
Though, I’ve never dated a bi guy until right now, when I am dating two of ‘em, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Michael
[report]wrote on November 21 2008 @ 08:08 am:
as a guy that is beginning to realize/explore his own bi-sexual curiosity, I would like to see this conversation keep going
Amelia
[report]wrote on November 21 2008 @ 08:18 am:
@Michael @juliePS So I’m going to admit to a little bit of bi-phobia, in the interests of being honest AND continuing the conversation. When Jocelyn said she wanted to write this piece, I was really interested to see what her take would be on it because I’ve always been a little turned off by the idea of a guy who considers himself bisexual. I know it’s my own hang up, truly, but I guess I can’t wrap my head around the idea that a guy who receives anal sex (and I’m not saying all bisexual men do) isn’t gay. Irrational and close-minded? Probably.
So my question to Michael would be—if he wouldn’t mind answering—are you attracted to men and women in the same way? Or is there something different about your attraction the each gender?
Michael
[report]wrote on November 21 2008 @ 08:43 am:
@Amelia - it’s totally different. I guess I started getting curious about a year ago, and I found a website that has been very helpful understanding it(won’t link it, but send me a pm and I will tell you), and apparently there are quite a few guys that feel in a similar manner to me. I don’t find myself attracted to guys, I don’t see Vin Diesel or anyone else and think “wow there’s someone I would like to get with” like I would with someone like say Kate Beckinsale. I’m not into kissing or body contact with a guy. But I did find mutual hand and oral sex to be a good time. Hope that explains it better. Feel free to ask anything, I’ll do my best to answer.
Amelia
[report]wrote on November 21 2008 @ 08:47 am:
@Michael I will send you a PM, would love to check out that site. I never really thought about it in the way you explained. Do you have romantic feelings towards men? Like you could have a relationship with a man the way, I assume, you’ve had relationships with women? Good for you for exploring your curiosity!
Michael
[report]wrote on November 21 2008 @ 11:13 am:
a relationship? no definitely not, there are no romantic feelings involved.
aftermetheflood
[report]wrote on November 21 2008 @ 06:00 pm:
@Amelia, @Michael- I just feel that I need to add another perspective to Michael’s. I am a bisexual woman, but I have had genuine sexual attractions to women AND men and genuine romantic feelings for women AND men.
He says that he doesn’t look at men and find them attractive, which is puzzling to me. I look at certain men and find them attractive and have the same feelings about certain women I see. The quality of my feelings is very similar. There are some things I find attractive across genders, and some things that I am really only drawn to in one gender or the other.
Michael’s perspective is valid, but I think that many (maybe most) bisexual people, like me, are not just curious, and know that they are physically attracted to men and women and also know that they could fall in love with a man or a woman.
Maybe that difference is what you are trying to indicate by identifying as bi-curious, Michael?
deej
[report]wrote on November 26 2008 @ 11:11 am:
Just joined and adding my 1.3 cents:
I am very much like Michael - very physically and emotionally attracted to women, but have enjoyed a little sex play with men. My experiences with guys are very few and fairly recent (last 5 years). It’s still new to me but I’m becoming more interested in it being a more regular part of my sex life.
I would not call myself bi-sexual. I believe that term indicates an equal attraction to both genders. I am not interested in a romantic relationship with a man. I do not desire kissing or cuddling or candlelight dinners with a man. I don’t check guys out when I’m out. And I am not interested in anal sex. But, I am attracted to a nice penis and have enjoyed playing them. But almost everything about women I find attractive, even the screwy stuff!
The term I use to describe myself, since we all need labels (pfft.), is hetero-flexible. Mostly hetero, but flexible in some ways. I imagine there might be a few homo-flexible people out there, but haven’t met one yet.
charliecat
[report]wrote on December 13 2008 @ 09:09 pm:
@Michael @Amelia - I’d like to check out that website as well. I’ve been dating a fantastic guy who confided in me that he had similiar experiences/thoughts to what you’ve described i.e. - he’s not emotionally or romantically attracted to men, but has enjoyed sexual adventures with other men in the past. I’ve accepted this as part of who he is, but wouldn’t mind learning more since it took me a bit to understand that he’s “Straight” just adventurous.
Thanks!
Holly Page
[report]wrote on December 15 2008 @ 06:32 pm:
The comments really highlight the shortcomings of our labels. Like Michael and Deej, I am emotionally and romantically attracted to men, but enjoy sex play with women. I don’t identify as bisexual, mostly because I’ve never had to identify, but also because, like aftermetheflood indicates, I feel like the term bisexual at least implies equal attraction to each gender, if not full-on relationship possibilities. I hate labeling, but if I had to pick, I’d say I was bi-comfortable.
With that out of the way, I’d totally be open to dating a man whose orientation or bisexuality was similar to mine, but I’m not sure how I would feel dating a man who truly could date either gender; that’s a lot of sexual/romantic possibility. It’s challenging enough being married to a man that is attracted to all kinds of women:)