Girl Talk: Dating A Bi-Guy
Posted by: Jocelyn Nubel
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Saturday December 13th 2008
Emotional cripples. Religious zealots. Man-babies. My recent dating roster could serve as a police lineup of degenerates, liars, and serious letdowns. Naturally, I’m hypersensitive to red flags these days. So when a guy I’m interested in tells me that he’s a “bisexual,” shouldn’t I run? Perhaps. But once I got the initial panic out of the way (OK, I called my friend and frantically yelled, “911! 911!”), I let his confession marinate. Then I decided I’m not going anywhere. Or, if I do, it’ll have nothing to do with his half-gayness.
Granted, when the guy came out of his demi-closet to me, I didn’t know him very well. I’d met him a week or so prior, when I was in town from Chicago, visiting a friend of mine. Needless to say, I was a sucker for him right from the start. He’s completely and totally adorable, and sometimes even sports a newsboy cap (reminiscent of Christian Bale in “Newsies,” which has provided me with sexual fantasy fodder since 1992). He also happens to harbor a sweetness that many New York City guys seem to lack. So, we kissed near the bathroom at the bar, and then I took him home with me.
He gave no indication he swings both ways. The bedroom stuff was hot. Really hot. There was neck biting and hair pulling. He was aggressive and self-assured, and not at all afraid of my girlie parts. For the record, if that’s half-gay, I’ll swing that way any night of the week.
So when he told me the following week that he was bisexual, and that I’d have known that if I knew him in Chicago, I couldn’t help myself. Immediately, I felt rejected and like I’d been duped. It’s just that so many gay guys I know have started out by saying they’re bi. Catch up with them a year or two later, and there ain’t a girl in sight. He assured me that wasn’t the case, and based on my experiences with him, I had to agree: He likes girls. He likes girls a lot, in fact.
I’m pretty open-minded. In some ways, I was disappointed in myself that I’d been so surprised by his bi-side. I don’t know if it’s because I’m obsessed with “The L Word,” but bi was something I’d mentally assigned to girls, not guys – and especially not to guys I was seeing. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve believed people aren’t wired to be gay, straight, or otherwise. I think anybody has the capacity to fall in love with anyone, and gender has nothing to do with it. And this guy? He gets that. That’s a really good thing, in my book. Also, he sometimes wears eyeliner when he goes out. Hello, Brandon Flowers fantasy.
To be honest, I’d never before considered it a turn-on to picture a guy I’m into making out with another guy, but there’s just something about this one. I’ve recently confessed to him that he’s like crack—and I’m addicted. (I know, I’m so romantic.) While most of this has to do with his entirely charming self, I think some of it can be attributed to the fact that in a short period of time he’s turned me on to a whole new way of thinking. He’s managed to surprise me, and that in itself is intriguing.
Despite the advice I’ve received from some of my friends, him being bi is nowhere near a dealbreaker for me. I love how open-minded he is. If anything’s going to keep me from dating this guy, it’s distance—not his affinity for dudes.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
DBOX
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 11:41 am: [report]
the world needs more open-minded people. who cares if a guy swings both ways so long as he’s respecting you and worshipping your girlie parts? beats a 100% straight douchebag any day.
tabby
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 11:43 am: [report]
Here’s a little encouragement. My current boyfriend is bisexual and it is the best relationship I’ve ever been in. He is very into hot, kinky, sweet, wild sex with me. But he also doesn’t behave or think like a “typical guy”, thank goodness. In fact, we joke around that he is the closest I could ever come to getting to date/have sex with/fall in love with one of my best gay boys. Plus it is kinda fun to discuss how we both think Vin Diesel is hot. So good luck and I hope you will be happy.
aftermetheflood
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
During the course of my current relationship (with a man) I came to terms with my bisexuality. I was so afraid of what he would think when I came out to him. The fact that he completely accepted me, and didn’t allow it to make him feel insecure made our relationship so much stronger. And maybe more importantly, it gave me additional room in which to accept and love myself. Much like your situation, it seems to sort of turn him on. And we have the same taste in women sometimes, which is great.
So thanks for being one more person who didn’t allow the unknown to drive you away. I can’t speak for your guy, but I love my boyfriend as much as I ever did, and he knows that this does not take away from our relationship in any way.
Jocelyn Nubel
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 10:44 pm: [report]
@tabby, @aftermetheflood, thanks for the encouragement, ladies! you give me the warm and fuzzies!
sunnyfl
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 07:47 pm: [report]
we joke around that he is the closest I could ever come to getting to date/have sex with/fall in love with one of my best gay boys.
23 loney Bi
http://www.FindBilover.com
bisexual singles and couples
juliePS
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 07:02 am: [report]
I was waiting for the bi-phobia to pop up here but it didn’t, really, and I’m very grateful for that. As a queer woman who dates both genders I’ve had to deal with a lot of the old stereotypes, but in a way I think bi men have it a lot harder—nobody seems to think I’m secretly 100% gay, or less of a woman, or anything like that.
Though, I’ve never dated a bi guy until right now, when I am dating two of ‘em, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Michael
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 07:08 am: [report]
as a guy that is beginning to realize/explore his own bi-sexual curiosity, I would like to see this conversation keep going
Amelia
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 07:18 am: [report]
@Michael @juliePS So I’m going to admit to a little bit of bi-phobia, in the interests of being honest AND continuing the conversation. When Jocelyn said she wanted to write this piece, I was really interested to see what her take would be on it because I’ve always been a little turned off by the idea of a guy who considers himself bisexual. I know it’s my own hang up, truly, but I guess I can’t wrap my head around the idea that a guy who receives anal sex (and I’m not saying all bisexual men do) isn’t gay. Irrational and close-minded? Probably.
So my question to Michael would be—if he wouldn’t mind answering—are you attracted to men and women in the same way? Or is there something different about your attraction the each gender?
Michael
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 07:43 am: [report]
@Amelia - it’s totally different. I guess I started getting curious about a year ago, and I found a website that has been very helpful understanding it(won’t link it, but send me a pm and I will tell you), and apparently there are quite a few guys that feel in a similar manner to me. I don’t find myself attracted to guys, I don’t see Vin Diesel or anyone else and think “wow there’s someone I would like to get with” like I would with someone like say Kate Beckinsale. I’m not into kissing or body contact with a guy. But I did find mutual hand and oral sex to be a good time. Hope that explains it better. Feel free to ask anything, I’ll do my best to answer.
Amelia
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 07:47 am: [report]
@Michael I will send you a PM, would love to check out that site. I never really thought about it in the way you explained. Do you have romantic feelings towards men? Like you could have a relationship with a man the way, I assume, you’ve had relationships with women? Good for you for exploring your curiosity!
Michael
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 10:13 am: [report]
a relationship? no definitely not, there are no romantic feelings involved.
aftermetheflood
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 05:00 pm: [report]
@Amelia, @Michael- I just feel that I need to add another perspective to Michael’s. I am a bisexual woman, but I have had genuine sexual attractions to women AND men and genuine romantic feelings for women AND men.
He says that he doesn’t look at men and find them attractive, which is puzzling to me. I look at certain men and find them attractive and have the same feelings about certain women I see. The quality of my feelings is very similar. There are some things I find attractive across genders, and some things that I am really only drawn to in one gender or the other.
Michael’s perspective is valid, but I think that many (maybe most) bisexual people, like me, are not just curious, and know that they are physically attracted to men and women and also know that they could fall in love with a man or a woman.
Maybe that difference is what you are trying to indicate by identifying as bi-curious, Michael?
deej
wrote on November 26 2008 @ 10:11 am: [report]
Just joined and adding my 1.3 cents:
I am very much like Michael - very physically and emotionally attracted to women, but have enjoyed a little sex play with men. My experiences with guys are very few and fairly recent (last 5 years). It’s still new to me but I’m becoming more interested in it being a more regular part of my sex life.
I would not call myself bi-sexual. I believe that term indicates an equal attraction to both genders. I am not interested in a romantic relationship with a man. I do not desire kissing or cuddling or candlelight dinners with a man. I don’t check guys out when I’m out. And I am not interested in anal sex. But, I am attracted to a nice penis and have enjoyed playing them. But almost everything about women I find attractive, even the screwy stuff!
The term I use to describe myself, since we all need labels (pfft.), is hetero-flexible. Mostly hetero, but flexible in some ways. I imagine there might be a few homo-flexible people out there, but haven’t met one yet.
charliecat
wrote on December 13 2008 @ 08:09 pm: [report]
@Michael @Amelia - I’d like to check out that website as well. I’ve been dating a fantastic guy who confided in me that he had similiar experiences/thoughts to what you’ve described i.e. - he’s not emotionally or romantically attracted to men, but has enjoyed sexual adventures with other men in the past. I’ve accepted this as part of who he is, but wouldn’t mind learning more since it took me a bit to understand that he’s “Straight” just adventurous.
Thanks!
Holly Page
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 05:32 pm: [report]
The comments really highlight the shortcomings of our labels. Like Michael and Deej, I am emotionally and romantically attracted to men, but enjoy sex play with women. I don’t identify as bisexual, mostly because I’ve never had to identify, but also because, like aftermetheflood indicates, I feel like the term bisexual at least implies equal attraction to each gender, if not full-on relationship possibilities. I hate labeling, but if I had to pick, I’d say I was bi-comfortable.
With that out of the way, I’d totally be open to dating a man whose orientation or bisexuality was similar to mine, but I’m not sure how I would feel dating a man who truly could date either gender; that’s a lot of sexual/romantic possibility. It’s challenging enough being married to a man that is attracted to all kinds of women:)
JustaNotherGirl
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 12:59 am: [report]
My story is more of the other side of the coin. I was with my (supposedly straight) boyfriend for 4 years before he told me of his sexual attraction to men. Now I’m not a bigot, but the man I was attracted to and developed a relationship with had told me that he was straight for 4 years. So finding out that it wasn’t the case was a HUGE blow.
As much as I loved him, and still do, I can’t be with a man who has sex with other men. Period. I’m not anti-anal either, lots of straight men enjoy anal. They just enjoy recieving it from a woman.
Instead of asking him to repress who he felt he was, I broke it off. He’s still dating women and has yet to confide in any girlfriend he’s had since me. Probably because of the rejection he found with me once he had told.
Being bi isn’t something I think is wrong or bad or anything like that, but springing it on someone who has grown to love you as a straight person isn’t exactly confidence inspiring.
Besides that, sexual orientation has nothing to do with whether or not you’re faithful to your partner. Having bi feelings is completely different from acting on it and expecting your partner to be ok with you having sex with other people.
sandr
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:29 pm: [report]
I totally get what Michael is saying. I consider myself mostly straight, but every few years have a mmf situation and
do some male/male. I don’t hit on guys in the street or pursue men. I don’t date guys. It’s just a sexual act type of thing that I find hot and can occur (or not) in a mmf situation.
That said, It’s sooooooooooo annoying how women perceive this as a big deal and turn it into something it isn’t in their minds. Worry more about a guy leaving you for another women that some concern about him turning gay.
traveller
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 05:49 am: [report]
It’s good to see this conversation going on. I’m the same way as Michael and some of the other guys. I have no romantic attraction towards men, don’t have any desire to look at guys on the street ro to kiss a man, I don’t fantasize about men, etc. There is no comparison between how I feel wbout women and how I feel about men. All the same, I’ve had several sexual encounters with a few men (close friends) over the years. These were all limited to providing receiving oral, there had to be straight porn involved (and once or twice a woman), and it was just all about “getting off” and having a sexual experience. This has freaked out a couple gfs when I have told them, because they immediately assume there must be something deeper going on. The thing is, there are lots of guys who are NOT closeted homosexuals nor repressed bisexuals but just “straight” guys who occasionally will engage in sex play with another guy if an opportunity presents itself. Any advice on how or when to bring this up in a relationship with a woman so that she doesn’t freak? I’m running out of ideas, but the thought of not being able to talk openly about this with someone I love is unthinkable to me.
sandr
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
very difficult to say. for me, it would totally depend on how important the woman is to me. if it’s a woman that i slept with on the first or second date, i totally don’t care and will tell her within a week. if it’s like “that person” who you want a real relationship with….drop hints or talk about like “one of my friends told his girlfriend he’s been with guys and she totally flipped”. If her reaction is like “i would flip too, that’s sooo gross”, lol…then there’s your answer. From there….it’s up to you. gulp lol
danijerzygirl
wrote on April 18 2009 @ 07:08 am: [report]
I dated a guy in college who was bisexual. One night while having sex, his roomate came into his bedroom after we had sex and wanted to join us. I was surprised, but ok with it - he was so cute. In a moment of bravado, I reached out for Rick and he came in to bed with Tim and I. I reached down to Ricks crotch to find a hand already there and I was taken back to see my Tim’s hand massaging his roomates penis. I leaned back and watched as they got in to each other, it was quite hot. They soon reached out to include me in there session. I felt Rick touching me softly then felt Tim begin to give me oral sex - even after he orgasmed in me twice earlier in the night. It was hot watching him do this while Rick and I kissed and fondled each other. Rick started kissing me down towards my crotch, but kept on going and was kissing Tim, until he positioned himself behind my boyfriend. I watched him put lube on his penis and smile at me as he mounted my boyfriends touche. I was so caught up in the moment and how sexy Rick looked and Tim giving me oral I had an intense orgasm listening to my boyfriend moan while his hot roomate took him like a pro. Rick and Tim are about the same size and I know what he felt like in my ass. I watched in amazement and awe when Rick lifted Tim up and I saw his totally erect and playing with himself. I so wanted him like he wanted Rick. It was so hot watching them and was totally in awe when Rick orgasmed in my boyfriends ass while my boyfriend moaned and masturbated himself to an orgasm. Tim fell to the bed and Rick stood there in all his glory and total pride in his prowess. Tim looked up at me and asked if I was ok with all of this? I said I was and asked how long he and Rick were lovers. He said since Freshman year. I asked does he always do you? He said no, we do each other anally and orally often. I was overwhelmed. I asked if he needed anything to clean up, he said yes if I had a tampon so as not to leak on the carpet and bed. I went to the potty to freshen up and came back to them in bed together. I climbed in and Tim and I went at it on Rick. Within the hour, I watched my sexy boyfriend lube his erect penis and take his hot roomate anally. Rick moaned and smiled telling me he knew how I felt when Tim and I have sex. I was so turned on all I could do was turn over and put Rick in me while Tim was in Rick. It was very hot seeing all of this in a mirror go on behind me. I had several intense orgasms as I watched my boyfriend screw his hot sexy roomate and his roomate screwed me. I dated Tim for a few more months until the end of the year. We had this 3 way a couple of times and experimented with me using a strap on on them too. I had sex a couple of times with Rick alone, but Tim always knew. It was so hot getting done by my boyfriends roomate, then when he was done with me, watching my boyfriend take my lover and make him moan and groan like I do. Oh well that was a long time ago, I still like to muse about those days and wonder if I ever will experience that again with my husband.
Njaramba
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 01:28 am: [report]
At first I wasnt too keen on the idea but after reading danijerzygirl’s hot story ,I’ve hard a change of heart.
happy135
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
Please get an HIV test. There’s nothin wrong with dating someone who goes both ways, just be careful.
boris
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
I am a bi guy and now married to a woman, but I think I could have ended up with either a man or a woman… just so long as he or she was lovable. I have been in ltrs with both. I always practiced safe sex and I think my wife actually likes that I have been with men—I know what I am asking her to do and she likes that I have been taken too. I think it opened up to her the idea that she could be in control in bed—sometimes she even uses a dildo on me. I know some folks are reluctant to talk about these things with their significant others, but I was straight up about it—If the idea that a man experienced romantic and erotic love with another man was a deal breaker for a potential girlfriend, I wouldn’t want to be with her in the long run anyway because I would have doubts about her ability to a compassionate and supportive parent years from now.
DancingGeek
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]
@danijerzygirl
Holy crap girl, I need a cigarette and I don’t even smoke.
Shriekback68
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 06:37 pm: [report]
I started reading danijerzygirl’s post and kept thinking: “Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would ever happen to me…”
BKsweetheart
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 12:34 am: [report]
@danijerzygirl - *blank stare* Ummmm… riiiiight.
So moving on, I’ve always considered myself pretty sexually open minded and I’ve dabbled in women over the years but while I have no problem with anyones sexuality, I’m still not comfortable with thought of gay male sex or seeing two guys kissing. I have lots of gay friends and I have no problem with what they do. I mean whatever happens when two people are alone is whatever, do your thing but I’m just not comfortable SEEING it. So if i was dating a guy who said he had been with men in the past or had fooled around a little bit, I might react with panic, shock, etc. initially but it might not necessarily be a deal breaker as long as I was assured he was totally into me. Oh yeah, and we’d also have to get an STD test first!!
Being bi, or an ex-bi myself (if that exists lol) I know that you can be attracted to both sexes but more interested in having a relationship, family, romance, etc with one over the other. I still find women beautiful and sexy but I’m more sexually attracted to and interested in being in relationships with men. Not to say I would never be in a relationship with a woman but she would have to be pretty exceptional.
Also for the record, I always thought my ex had a few gayish tendencies like the fact he was obsessed with anal sex and let me finger his a** a few times and also shaved his a** religously. He also loved George Michael and loved trying on my clothes from time to time (just in the house). And he also did the most hilarious rendition of Cyndi Laupers “Girls just wanna have fun”. He also loved cooking and cleaning. Yeeeeaaah so I don’t know if all that equals being gay cause he was a GOD in the bedroom and loved orally pleasing me. So go figure.
Maxxx Steele
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
Male bisexuality needs to be accepted by the masses. There are different levels of female bisexuality and it seems mainstream, everywhere, accepted and NO one says “oh god, the poor girl is bisexual, she is just refusing to admit she is a lesbian.” But if a guy such as me were to tell other people, “hey, I am bisexual” I would probably get a few “oh man, you are gay and afraid to admit it” WHAT? I love women and love my wife, but I dont love men, but what makes me bi is enjoying sexual pleasure from another man. I think the strict Gay men and Gay women are pissed that there are bisexual people riding on the floats in the gay pride parades and are destroying the “relationship” factor of same-sex relationships.
Men are sluts naturally and a bisexual man is just all the more a sexual opportunist. In the swingers lifestyle, male bisexuality is either a delicacy or taboo! 99% of the men in the swingers community EXPECT and ACCEPT female bisexuality. 80% of the women in the lifestyle are accepting of the other bisexual women. Bring in the male bisexual factor and its insane. I know personally more than half of the women in these swinger couples that LOVE bisexual men BUT only a small fraction of the couples have a male spouse who is A) accepting OR B)Bi !!
If Hollywood make a movie with good looking guys and girls have bisexual fun, it would be the new craze… and accepted. Halle Berry, Megan Fox, Tyson Beckford, and Eric Dane (Dr McSteamy in case you wondered!) all thrown into a mish mash of bisexual frolic.. wooo!
traveller
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]
In the past 6 months since I originally posted my comment (see above) I have been intensively researching this whole question, including spending a lot of time talking to researchers who just do sex research (I am a young college professor myself) and reading everything I can get my hands on related to sexual behavior. If anyone is interested, there is lots of material out there that puts this whole discussion in a historical and cultural perspective. If you were to travel right now, today, to the northern Amazonian rainforest and observe the indigenous people living there you would observe same-sex and cross-sex sexual behavior occuring all over the place. Same thing if you were to travel to the islands of New Guinea. If you were ask those people whether they were heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual they wouldn’t have any idea what you were were talking about. To them there is only SEXUAL behavior. That’s NOT to say that people don’t have sexual orientations that predispose them to be with one gender or the other. It just means that sexual BEHAVIOR and sexual ORIENTATION aren’t the same thing, and there are a lot of reasons, other than repressed homosexuality or bisexuality, why men or women might occasionally enjoy same sex behavior. In some cultures, same-sex behavior between men is seen as a harmless (and accepted) form of male bonding. Think about it: if two big, strapping men hug each other after a football game they are expressing emotion through a physical act. How different is that from two men kissing each other? In both cases the exact same thing is happening. Emotion is being expressed through physical contact. It does not, however, necessarily imply anything at all about either man’s sexual ORIENTATION. In our culture we are taught that some types of physical contact between members of the same sex are acceptable and others are not. We have been taught to view sexual behavior and sexual orientation as the same thing (sexual IDENTITY is something altogether different). And by this culture I mean American culture. I spent several years living in Europe and the attitude is not the same there, at least not in the places where I lived.
As for me, my attitude is: #&@$% it (no pun intended). I am currently in a relationship with the coolest chick in the world and we had this whole discussion very early on because I have decided that I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who isn’t open-minded enough to see what’s really going on in our culture in terms of the way we think about sex and sexuality. By the way, the sex is great.
One last thought. I recently read a book by a Scandinavian psychiatrist, written back in the 1970s, and he points out that in some indigenous tribes in the South Pacific men have sex with their women as often as SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. He attributes this to the fact that there is no concept of gay, straight or bi (which is largely an artificial cultural construct to begin with) and so the men AND women are overall less sexually inhibited that in Western cultures. Just something to think about:)
Soozle
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 09:39 pm: [report]
I not only dated a bisexual guy… I married him. Fantastic relationship, best friend, incredible sex, really just everything I’d ever hoped for. I’d watch gay porn with him sometimes, and I was always attuned to his needs and desires, just like he was with mine.
It kind of had disastrous results. He promised me up and down that he would be monogamous with me, etc. - but during the entire course of our four-year-relationship, from dating to steady to engaged to married, even while making all his promises, he was hooking up with guys. I have pages and pages of printouts of his conversations from various hookup sites where he met men to provide… services.
Was it unfair of me to make monogamy my top priority? No. I’m not a prude or anything, it’s just how I roll.
Was it unfair of him to make promises he had no intention of keeping? Yes.
So - where I think that yeah, it’s cool to be open-minded… and yeah, I’m not going to judge anyone for swinging whatever way they want…
But if monogamy is important to you and you’re dating someone who’s bisexual, this is something that has to be addressed so that both folks feel entirely comfortable with the relationship and that nobody gets betrayed later.
P.S. My ex-husband and I are still best friends.
**Understanding**
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 06:23 pm: [report]
Hey guys…just joined and ran across this subject…Im a happily bisexual male, and I’m attracted to both men and women for sex and relationship-wise….As a matter of fact im in a relationship with a man right now. And he’s completely gay, but he understands that I still find some women attractive. I feel that when you’re in a bi-relationship, honesty and acceptance are the key factors to making it work. I actually was in a relationship with a women a couple of years ago, and she was turned on by the fact that I was into guys..She and I would even rate guys together…lmao! As a matter f fact, we’re still friends, and I rate the guys taht she is dating to this day…Just be open-minded and I thank the person who stated this topic…! =)