Girl Talk: Dads Always Ruin Men For Women
Posted by: The Frisky
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Friday December 5th 2008
Usually, a daughter’s interaction with her father is her first male/female relationship. It’s how she learns to see herself as a young woman; it’s how she determines if she’s accepted, valued, and respected. Whether you have a positive relationship with your father or the two of you are barely on speaking terms, he has the power to ruin your relationships with men. If a woman had an emotionally and physically absent father when she was growing up, she may be more likely to have difficulty making productive and lasting relationships with men as an adult. But even if your father was your biggest champion and showed you his love and nurtured you, he can still ruin your future with men—if you let him.
Take the spoiled princess, for example. Her father gave her everything she could possibly desire, and she experienced very little in the way of consequences. As an adult, she’ll look for a man who will treat her the same way her father did—showering her with gifts, taking her on trips, financing shopping sprees—but her adult partner will become more of a sugar daddy than a lover and friend. He’ll willingly play the role, as long as the princess looks good on his arm. When the princess turns into a queen, he’s more likely to spend his money and energy on a younger woman.
A similar phenomenon happens with the daughter who had the “perfect upbringing.” She was raised in a two-parent, middle-class home. Her parents supported her ambitions. She learned how to negotiate fairly and compromise with men because her father listened to her and appreciated her thoughts. However, not every parent raises their children in this ideal situation. As an adult, she’ll have a rather difficult time finding a mate who possesses similar skills in negotiation and compromise. Instead, she may compromise too much in a relationship.
Then there’s the daughter who had little to no interaction with her father. She’ll strive to be accepted by any man because she feels abandoned by her father. As a woman, she may learn to use her sexuality to get attention from men. If those men take advantage of her, she’ll end up feeling unworthy, unloved, and unaccepted for who she really is.
The daughter of divorce or separation who maintain contact with her father doesn’t have it any easier. Her future may be bleak because she’ll think all men leave, return, and leave again. Since her mother was her primary caregiver, she’ll believe it’s up to women do the real work in life. Therefore, she’ll seek out control in her adult relationships with men. Her burden is being the problem solver.
Are you damned if you do and damned if you don’t? Luckily, it doesn’t have to be that way. Just because fathers have the potential to wreak havoc on their daughters’ relationships with men, it doesn’t mean it has to happen. In reality, it’s up to you to take tackle these problems and solve them like a woman.
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Humble Bee
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
This is so true. My father is one of my best friends. He taught me everything I know about dating, don’t settle for anyhthing, always strive for more, have an equal partner, but I do have trouble finding someone I am actually happy with because no one seems to meet the expectations. Its hard, but im in no rush.
Erin G
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
What about the daughters of divorce that were raised primarily by their fathers, but who never really got along with them?
Pro: I’m independant and think relationships should be equal on both sides. Men can do the job of woman and vice versa.
Con: I set the bar too high for most men. I expect them all to be able to do it all, even the most difficult things since I’ve seen my dad do it all before. When they fail me, oh boy do they really fail me.
(No I don’t mean ‘do everything FOR me’ I mean ‘do everything I can do, too’)
DoctorODoctor
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 01:14 pm: [report]
People partner up with those who match their family drama and pathologies. For every spoiled princess, there’s an overly submissive mama’s boy to take care of her. Sure, they’ll have their fill of drama and relationship crap to plow through, but we really do end up with someone who can help us re-create the stuff we grew up with.
It takes a smart woman to marry a man who shares the positive traits of her father, and an even smarter one to walk away from someone who re-creates negative daddy drama.
Pipi
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 01:17 pm: [report]
I am most certainly the girl who had the absent father whom I saw on 2 weekends a month. I have a hard time believing guys like me for anything but my openess and sexuallity, but that doesnt stop me from using it to get men.
Arty
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
“As an adult, she’ll have a rather difficult time finding a mate who possesses similar skills in negotiation and compromise. Instead, she may compromise too much in a relationship.”
That paragraph describes my last relationship nearly perfectly.
Michelle
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
I don’t think it’s just a matter of being smart, as this involves the way you conceive the world, and one of the most significant relationships in your life, either he’s there or he’s not. My father was often absent because of his job, and still, we had a difficult relationship, where I would simply never fulfill his expectatives, regardless of how succesfull other people think I am, and not to mention how satisfied and proud of myself I feel. My grandmother was a single mom (as I am now) and my mother has a strong character and determination, but yes, she often lets her dissatisfaction show in different, non verbal ways. Still, I think she modeled me a lot more than my father did. He died 4 years ago in an accident, and I still have some serious father issues, and find it really hard to just let it all go. That hasn’t stop me, however, of having a serious relationship with someone who I perceive as very different from my father, but people who know my background often points some significant similarities. I think it is always complex… and hell, I just saved a lot in therapy!!! LOL
miss dee
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 02:48 pm: [report]
“She’ll strive to be accepted by any man because she feels abandoned by her father. As a woman, she may learn to use her sexuality to get attention from men. If those men take advantage of her, she’ll end up feeling unworthy, unloved, and unaccepted for who she really is.”
Yup. Pretty much.
alliecat
wrote on December 6 2008 @ 11:03 am: [report]
Growing up, my father always gave me the cold shoulder. He and my mother both worked during the day, but Mom was the disciplinarian, the homework help, the domestic champion, the one going to PTA meetings and teacher-conferences, the birthday party queen, etc. I remember my father going to my grammar school graduation, and my high school graduation, and that was his extent of involvement in my education. After my mom died, all we did was fight, and it came to a head when he threw me out of the only home I had ever known and passed away himself before we could make any attempt to fix our relationship.
I definitely identify with the description of the girl who had little or no interaction with her father. When I was a kid, my dad was just part of the scenery; after my mom died when I was 18, he set a trend of men who wouldn’t see me as someone worth holding on to. I guess you could say I hold guys I date to a higher standard as well - in an effort to avoid ending up with a man like my dad, so someday, my kids won’t have to feel the way I did. It really is a vicious cycle!
Miss
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 12:35 pm: [report]
I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 50, a lot of people blame my dating him for the fact that my father was in and out of my life (my mother), or they assume he has money. And trust me the money one is definetly not the case, so it is either the daddy thing, or the sexiness of a man who knows what he wants out of life.
DancerNinja
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 06:11 pm: [report]
I’m of the “perfect upbringing” sort. Dad is a best friend, I’m his confidant, intelligent conversations, etc. It’s hard to find a guy that can be all those things and I’m of the sort that won’t settle for less. But then again, because of my upbringing, I don’t qualify my worth by my male relationships and am happy to take my time to find a good one.
BlueVibe
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
I’m one of the “perfect upbringing” people, too. Not only do I love my dad as a father, but I love him as an individual, too. (Ditto my brother, who, unsurprisingly, turned out a lot like our dad.)
I’ve met lots of guys who remind me of all the things I like so much about Dad, but the problem is I seem to have missed the boat and I’ve yet to find one who isn’t already taken!