Girl Talk: Why You Should Probably Avoid Getting Back Together With An Ex
Posted by: Erin Flaherty
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Wednesday July 15th 2009
If anyone ever had a reason not to get back with an ex, I did. He was the quintessential on-and-off Bad Boyfriend and not only were all my friends painfully aware of this fact, when he dumped me on the same day my father died (think Jessica and Tony birthday sitch x 10), then again after a similar life tragedy, it had finally become clear to me as well. I moved on fast. Literally days after he’d hit me with yet another, “I can’t do this anymore,” I somehow managed to enter into a relationship with a man who was easygoing and ridiculously sweet, so I hardly had time to mourn. I wouldn’t normally recommend rebounding as a heartbreak cure-all, but in this case it definitely helped remind me that the ex was Not. For. Me. My work was exciting, glamorous and rewarding. I was in my early-to-mid 20s. I had amazing friends. I lived in New York. Things were kind of perfect. I was so much happier without my ex.
That’s when he began to stalk me.
I would have done anything to avoid the horribly painful months of accusations, the moving out, and borderline nervous breakdowns that followed an inevitable reality check that would have been avoided if we’d simply stayed apart in the first place.
It began with emails here and there, MySpace messages and texts. Then the phone calls started rolling in, first on my cell, and then at work. I never answered any of them, and told mutual friends that I did not want to speak to him, that I’d moved on, and please let him know that it was a case closed and I was not remotely interested in any contact whatsoever. Magical words to a man obsessed, I suppose. The mix CDs and flowers started arriving. One day he stood outside my office with signs, a la Say Anything. I rolled my eyes and pulled the blinds down.
I’d love to say that in the end I walked away from all this, but the constant attrition started to get to me. I began dreaming of him, even while I was sleeping in my new lover’s bed. Long story short, the allure of my Bad Boy Gone Good was ultimately too tempting, and after he begged and cajoled and expressed his undying love for me and swore he intended to marry me and on and on, I caved.
And things between us really were better, for a while. We committed to living together, and we were happy to wake up next to one another each morning with a renewed sense of love and hope. But one thing led to another, and in some ways, this time I was the one acting out. It was less self-sabotage and more brimming resentment. After all he’d put me through, why I had I blinded myself to the past and let him convince me to come back? Did I really think things would be so dramatically different? Why in the hell did I break up with a great new guy to get back together with my ex? I started being awful. He did, too. It became rapidly clear that no matter how much love we had for one other, the fact was we were simply not compatible. And that’s the root of why we broke up in the first place. But I would have done anything to avoid the horribly painful months of accusations, the moving out, and borderline nervous breakdowns that followed an inevitable reality check that would have been avoided if we’d simply stayed apart in the first place.
A wise-ish man once said, “Smart guys break ties,” perhaps the most hilarious way we’ve ever heard the ex conundrum put, but its simplicity speaks volumes. Women have a much harder time exercising this maxim. In addition to the passion and nostalgia that rears its head during any post-breakup grief cycle, our natural tendencies to compromise, bargain and feel in control of the situation further clouds our already hazy judgment. While it’s so tempting to start over with someone that you already know you love, especially when they barrage you like my ex did—though I think too often we also get back with them for little more than a late night text—either way, avoid! Because to be perfectly honest, I’ve never seen it work out. I do think people change, but it’s almost inevitable that you fall back into the old dynamic. And it makes sense: Isn’t craving old times why we get back with exes in the first place? But that’s also the comfort zone that makes meeting someone new, and ultimately a lot better for you, an impossibility. It was only after I cut ties with my ex, for good this time, that I was able to move on and meet a guy who reinforces the fact that I was meant to be with him instead every single day. Times ten.
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gloriafretz
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]
Thanks for sharing this story. You make a great point. This is my story too, except for the part where you dumped the great guy to let your ex back in. I kept the great guy, and couldn’t be happier. Up to that point, I thought I was reading my own story. My ex stalked me too, first being nasty, then sweet, then nasty again. He actually continues to this day. The most recent was this morning, where he said that “you should bring your man over to our (he and the woman that he cheated on me with) house for dinner and drinks when you move to Charleston. No hard feelings!”
...he must be delusional~
Purple Haze
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
Thank you so much so writing this. It’s exactly what I need to hear right now.
GirlvWorld
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
Great story. My best friend had the same problem… except worse. Sometimes, it’s hard to know when to let go. Everyone needs a good Break-Up Therapy. For me, it’s writing, and I suspect that for you it was your great job. So congrats on getting through the storm.
http://www.blog.#&@$%.com
bellarose
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]
This is a great story, thank you! I went through something simliar… My ex and I were together on and off for a year, he was uncommitable and the typical “Bad Boy.” It was awful, we broke up the day after/day before every holiday (excpet his birthday - convienent huh?) I started dating a great guy and all of a sudden he was back, calling me, showing up at my house, texting me, creating a MySpace he never had before to request me as his first friend. It was ridiculious. I ended up breaking up with my new bf (he was right out of a divorce, bad timing) and I let my ex back in my life for one night. The next night we got into an argument and he told me to my face (mind you, after months of saying he missed me, wanted me, loved me… whatever) I am never going to commit to anyone and I’m never, ever getting married. I got out every nasty feeling I had for him that night right to his face and I never felt better, or more over anything in my life!
Alison Lin
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
Ugh, it’s so true. Women are especially susceptible to getting back with their exes. Why?! I’ve never heard of a success story either, but for some reason we are just so prone to it.
Joey Daytona
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
Hmmmmm… I got out of a LTR to move in w/ the lady who took me to her HS prom. Right around the date of me and my ex’s anniversary the new/old lady received some weird and threatening emails from my ex. I contacted her to see what was up and the important date had loomed large in her mind and she was angst-ridden and upset about how it all went down, the YEAR BEFORE. She actually wrote that if she was dying of a terminal disease she’d come and kill both of us. Whoa! AND she’s a lawyer!
bogart4017
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
“Smart guys break ties”. I like that. I live that! As much as me and any of my exes ever loved each other they were all warned if we were ever to part they would never hear from me again and please do not bother to call me. TO A PERSON each and every one of them at some point or another called wanting to get back with me. Why? If it were meant to be we’d still be together. I can’t walk lbackwards like that.
Coral
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
My boyfriend and I recently had a mutual break-up after 3 years of dating off and on. And we finally decided to cut off our ties for a long time. And I was introduced to him years ago by my friend who was my boyfriend’s younger brother. Now I am cutting off temporary ties with that friend too. I am sort of glad to have a fresh start because the worst part of our relationship was two years ago a couple months after one year of being together (and that was continuously). My boyfriend was in Europe with some friends celebrating his college graduation while his mother was in the hospital (it was basically known to everyone that this was her final straw after an 8 year battle with getting cancer and then getting it again soon after). But she told her son (my boyfriend) to go ahead and celebrate his graduation in Europe. She died when he was gone and he ended up cheating on me soon after he found out. I wanted to break up with him so badly, but I couldn’t bear to do that to him. I ended breaking up with him 3 weeks later…but our relationship continued off and on for another 2 years. We never got over that rough patch really and I am glad that I will be starting over and I will never get back together with an ex. I have learned my lesson.
Lita24
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
I’m in a situation just like this right now. My ex broke my heart, and I cut him out of my life for a year, and now he’s back and saying he’s changed. I see the change in him, but I’m with a nice guy right now. Granted, nice guy and I don’t nearly have the chemistry/passion/insane amount of similarities the ex and I do, so I have no idea what to do. Ex is the only guy I’ve ever thought about marriage/rugrats with….
IrishErin
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]
I guess mine doesn’t technically count as an “ex” then. We were together for 1.5 years and he had a momentary freak out when I said I might want to move to another state. We broke up for 6 weeks. Got back together. Celebrating our 3 year anniversary next week.
majicksand
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
Here’s a twisted one… with a happy ending.
I met this guy, “A”, when I was 18. We started dating one week before my 19th birthday. Six months later, I was pregnant. The stress of the situation tore us apart. We officially split 3 months after our son was born. I was 20; he was 25.
Skip ahead through other bad relationships and drama.
Shortly before I turned 22, I started dating “B”. I knew he was bad news from day one and went there anyway. We were together for 7 years. It was both great and horrific by turns. He never mentioned marriage except when I was walking out the door—which happened several times. As soon as the crisis passed, all thoughts of marriage vanished too. Eventually we broke up for real.
Skip ahead through other bad relationships and drama—again.
Guy “B” and I re-established contact and renewed our friendship. I was 32 by this point. He was in a bad place in his life, and I still loved him. I drove to another state, kidnapped him, and took him to Disney World with me and my kids. (I had 2 by this point. We’ll save the bad marriage stories for another time, lol) He came home with us as a roommate. After about a year, we gave in to temptation and became lovers again. That lasted about another year before we were ready to kill each other. I put my foot down, and told him things were gonna change. I was no longer willing to be a doormat. He could except that or not as he chose.
Right around that same time, my older child’s father and I, guy “A”, were spending time together discussing how to handle our teenaged pain-in-the-ass. Eventually, our conversations expanded to include the demise of both our relationships.
He’d been with the same woman for 7 years. I knew a little of how bad it was between them already. She was unstable. So much so that I would not allow my son to visit in their home. I hated to limit their visits to outing because of the expense, but I was truly afraid for my child’s safety. “A” had let her stay for so long because she had nowhere else to go even though they really no longer had a relationship—physical or emotional. He ended up moving into the apartment attached to his business and letting her stay in the condo until the lease ran out.
Guy “B” couldn’t handle my new-found assertiveness and moved out. Guy “A” severed ties with his girlfriend. Guy “A” and I spent more time together with the kids. It didn’t occur to us at first that, on some level, we were dating. In the midst of reminiscing about our relationship for our son, we started flirting a little. One night he told me he wanted to conduct a “chemistry experiment”. He kissed me. You know, to see if the chemistry from years ago was still there. It was.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Call me stupid, but I really thought that chapter was closed. Yes, we were friends, and we had an eternal bond through our son, but I never saw the two of us together romantically again. We started dating officially, after gaining our son’s blessing. We took it relatively slowly at first, but we had known each other so long already that everything sort of just fell into place.
It’s been nearly two years. We got married 3 weeks ago. I’ve never been happier. Our son is thrilled to have his father in his life full-time, and my younger son adores his new “dad”. I’m living proof that getting back with an ex can be very, very bad or completely wonderful.
The difference, I think, is that this time, we talked through all the resentments from the past and agreed to leave them there. We started fresh. We acknowledged each other’s flaws and determined we could live with those imperfections.
I believe in fairy tales and happy endings again. We’re quite content to nauseate all of our friends with our disgusting level of happiness. As a rule, I don’t recommend revisiting old relationships, but sometimes you gotta be willing to risk it all to be happy. I’m glad I did.
likeOMGkbye
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 02:27 pm: [report]
My boyfriend and I got back together 7 months ago after a TERRIBLE 6 month break up, and we both agree that our “version 2.0” is SO SO much better than our first go-round because we needed the time to step back, re-evaluate ourselves, our relationship, and what we wanted and now we couldnt be happier. Not all relationships should be abandoned completely, although most should be. I recognize that my situation is an exception and most times “you break up for a reason”, but that doesnt necessarily mean that the reason is forever…
sportzriter13
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]
Been here, done this. The first boyfriend I dumped would call repeadedly, and would take me on a major guilt trip. Because I’d never dumped anyone, I didn’t know what feelings were going to come up. I took him back twice. I was miserable, and would quickly be reminded why I broke up with him in the first place. Right after the last breakup, we were on our way home from our autism group (he needed a ride), and when I fell asleep my head ended up on his shoulder. Apparently, he thought I was somehow indicating it was like old times, and tried to kiss me when I walked him to the door. He didn’t even ask if we were together, he just assumed. That was the last straw, that and his mother introducing me as his “on-again/off-again girlfriend”.
After a couple of years of me dodging his phone calls (and later non-contact) he reached out by e-mail two years ago. We’re friends now, and he’s grown up a lot.
Next two cases are complex, and intersect. Let me try to summeraize.
I fell in love with a guy from Florida. I fell hard. He bailed me out of a #&@$% engagement (my ex from that has tried getting me back, to no avail). After promising we’d make it work over 1,000+ miles and 12 months, he suddenly let me go (about two months in). I was devastated by this. It sent me into a depression, and a year was full of drama and pain. One time, when I thought I was over him, I started dating a friend. This guy was awesome but it was nothing like what I’d felt before. Something in me felt hallow, and I realized I wasn’t over Florida, so I let him go. We still went to homecoming together, and I starting thinking I was falling again, so I asked him back. Then wished I hadn’t. A couple months later, he asked me for one last chance. I figured he deserved a “fair shake” so we went on a date. It was great, but it soon wore off. I told him, I’m sorry but I couldn’t. That haunted me for so long, but luckily, he has forgiven and forgotten. We are still friends.
The next boyfriend I had made me miserable. But by this time I was bound and determined to stay in a relationship. I was miserable for a few months before we parted ways. Summer was coming again and Mr. Florida reappeared. We sorted through the mess that was left, caught up on what happened. It was a blur until we entered into a friends with benefits deal. We had sex, and it felt great for a bit. Then it felt weird, and that’s when I realized that we’d both changed, and that I wasn’t that desperate. The next time we saw each other, I explained that if he wanted sex, he would have to be my boyfriend. He agreed. For a couple of hours, he was mind again, as we had one last “parting shot”. When we were done, he said to me (in a goofy voice), “I’m breaking up with you.” Instead of crying my eyes out, I laughed my butt off. I can’t explain how light and relieved I felt, having finally gotten that weight off my shoulders.
Again, we are still friends, and I may think much of him, but I don’t miss this guy one bit.
Maybe it sounds weird, but I’m inclined to say our hookup was what helped me get over him.
rsonnack
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 06:35 pm: [report]
@likeOMGkbye
My boyfriend and I are going through the same situation right now. He just broke up with me a week ago, saying we both need to change a few things about ourselves because we fight too much. We both agree the main reason we fight is because we live together, and we are just too young to deal with that yet (i’m 20 and he’s 22). so i’m moving out, and we agreed that we’re going to talk about dating again in a month. Both of us really want our relationship to work, but we know a few things need to change before we can be together again. we’re both committed to making these changes and making things work. so thanks for sharing your success story, it’s what i needed to hear right now.
sparklestar
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 09:37 am: [report]
How awful. I rejected an ex’s advances when he tried to get back together with me and I’m honestly still glad I did. He messed me around during the period he was supposedly trying to get back together. When I told him I’d found somebody new he suddenly started writing me essay long emails about how he was going to propose but then hadn’t because it hadn’t “felt right”... etc.
Oh, what a nightmare. Where do these guys get off exactly?!
I’m glad I walked away. He got together with somebody else less than 4 weeks after our break-up and it’s actually taken him 6 years to propose to her. I don’t think he’ll ever actually get married… total commitment phobe!
unbounded
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
I’m also not convinced that getting back with an ex is an absolute no-no. I have done it before when it was very obviously the wrong thing to do - we broke up for good reason, there was lots of fighting and anger and tears and some breaking of furniture, whew the drama! In that situation I 100% agree with the article - our personalities were like oil and water.
But the guy I just broke up with, well, we had a pretty perfect relationship - except that we realized we both need some time to focus on ourselves and figure out what we want out of life and a relationship, and we’re both committed to doing that. We may or may not get back together - who can say what the future will hold? But there was nothing so fundamentally wrong with our relationship that would keep me from trying again if we were both in the right place about it.
missblissdotcom
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 08:22 pm: [report]
This article may have been 5% written for me! These words are me in a shell- not a beautiful one from the shore but an old clunky baggage-filled one.
I have printed it out multiple times, for the bedroom, the bathroom, the planner & the fridge. I am officially turning my back burners off for good. Thank you!!!!!!!!!
hereshestands
wrote on July 18 2009 @ 12:06 am: [report]
@IrishErin. Sounds just like me.
Me and my bf were together for about a year and a half. He went through depression and had trust issues because of previous gf. We started talking few weeks later realised how much we missed each other and we are still together. Will have been together 3 years soon. I couldn’t be happier. =) So not all ex’s are bad news.
CJEB4
wrote on July 18 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
The truth of the matter, from what I see, is that you have to decide what you think is best for your life. You need to be happy, regardless of whether you love the person or not. My boyfriend and I have dated twice. We broke up, and everyone told me not to go back.. But I did what made me happy and I’m happy with how my life stands today. Some ex’s are worth it.. Others are not. You just have to decide who is worth it and who will give you the happiness and the love that you deserve. I’ve found that =). And I hope all the women out there will find their true love too. Thank you for the story. =)
AnonymousFan
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
@unbounded. I agree and thank you.
My ex and I broke up because we both needed some time to figure ourselves out and decide what we wanted in a relationship. The freedom since then has been great, but I still think about getting back together with him. I worry that I might be clinging to a fantasy, and that it would never actually work out, but I also think about how I haven’t felt the same way about anyone since then.
I think in some situations, getting back together may definitely be the right thing. We’ve somehow developed the perception in society that getting back together with an ex (especially for women) is taboo and makes the person weak. But after reading some of these stories, it seems that getting back together after serious assessment and reflection could be quite reasonable. Getting with an ex does not have to be a submission to passion and past comforts. It could be just as much of a challenge and step forward as finding someone new. As long as you believe that it is the right thing for you at that time, getting back together could be just what you both need.
donehadit
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 07:04 pm: [report]
I just as of today am starting this cycle. He says he just needs a break away from us, time for himself, take note we have only been together 6 month. Neither one of us are young 41 and 57. I love the man dearly and I no in my heart if he came back in 2 days 6 months I will take him back. We just cant live together and i dont no, I no this is the beginning of a vicious cycle. But I love him and don’t see it stopping any idea’s ladies….????
thanks for any comments I am at a lost here
loveconfused
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 05:52 pm: [report]
I agree with this logic for the most part BUT I cannot help but think of my parents’ relationship. My parents met each other and dated for four months then my father broke up with my mother (he has told me that there were many reasons for this but mainly because he had a hard time trusting women after his first wife cheated on him). After 8 months apart, one of my parents’ mutual friends told my mother that he was engaged to another woman far away and was moving from NYC. My mother called to congratulate him and they decided to have coffee before he left. That was the last day they were apart because my father had grown up and realized that the love of his life had gotten away. My mother said she dated between my father but nothing was the same after him. In the end, my parents will celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year.
The problem with this story is that it is the exception. My boyfriwnd and I broke up a few months ago and we too had only been together for four months. he had issues because his first love cheated on him. We were a great couple except that I always felt like he never could truly open up. Now that I see him single and partying, I don’t think I know who he really is and I know the best thing is for me to keep my distance and move on. He has started talking to me again but I know he has not gotten past the issues that made us break up and it may be a very long time yet. I cannot wait for him.
Catherinette Singleton
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
But how do you walk away when the allure is so strong.
I am weak, I can’t say no. UGH!
ssobeck
wrote on September 9 2009 @ 06:31 am: [report]
My ex-fiance dumped me three weeks after my sister passed away suddenly. I was heartbroken, to say the least. The beginning of this article struck a cord with me, since her ex-finance dumped her the day her father died. Jerk!
Multiverse
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]
I just dumped a guy I just didn’t get along with but whom I still feel for, so it helps to hear that others go through the same thing. However, although I’m still tempted to call him, I’ll be damned if I want to get back with him! The reason I sometimes want to call is to tell him how much better I’m off without him anyway.
KMc21
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
@IrishErin: Who made the first move after he broke up with you? I’m going through a similar situation where he broke with me. I feel like it was a complete misunderstanding and freak-out. He is also all the way across the country and that makes it worse. We had a great, strong relationship before this so that’s why I believe that it’s such a freak thing.
missann
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:08 am: [report]
I know this is an old article but anyways. I have had to hear from my friends about their on and off relationships and #&@$% gets old. I myself have never went back to an ex. I have always figured that if it did not work out the first time, it was never going to work. Age, readiness, maturity-none of that matters when talking about compatibility in the long run. Those are just excuses to blame when women try to date an ex because they are lonely.