Girl On Girl: Coming Out During The Holidays
Posted by: Nikki Dowling
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Friday December 18th 2009
Me and the holidays—we don’t really get along. During Christmas, New Year’s and Hanukkah (yeah, I celebrate that, too), I eat too much, drink too much and become way too poor from buying everyone presents and taking time off work. Then there’s the family. I’m really tight with my parents, grandmother and sister. But that’s about it. I don’t see much of my extended family—the aunts, uncles, cousins, you know. Oh yeah, and I’ve never come out to any of them. Awkward, much? You bet.
Even though I’m not religious, I feel uncomfortable talking about my sexuality while standing next to a nativity scene. The idea of telling someone I’m gay while they’re wearing a red santa sweater makes my skin crawl.
The first person I ever came out to was my 15-year-old sister. I knew she’d be the most understanding and would have the least negative reaction. Of course, she didn’t disappoint. And my parents’ initial reaction was to brush it off. That is, after they realized I wasn’t about to announce that I was pregnant. Part of them still thinks my lesbianism is a phase, but they’ve been accepting. I was terrified to tell my grandmother, even though she’s one of the kindest members of my family. I just couldn’t make myself do it. So, one day, I just introduced her to my girlfriend. She didn’t think twice about accepting her with open arms.
But the list of family members who know ends there. I have a pretty large family on my mom’s side and I’m pretty sure most of them don’t have a clue. During the holidays, I’m forced to eat, drink and chat in an overheated room with a bunch of people who don’t know this super-important thing about me. Inevitably, someone will ask me if I have a boyfriend. I’ll blush, pause awkwardly, think for a minute and finally say … no.
It’s not that I don’t want them to know. I do. But the only time I see my extended family is during the holidays. Even though I’m not religious, I feel uncomfortable talking about my sexuality while standing next to a nativity scene. The idea of telling someone I’m gay while they’re wearing a red Santa sweater makes my skin crawl. The holidays are supposed to be happy, cheerful and ... wholesome. I’d rather talk about how I have a job and love living in NYC than who I’m sleeping with.
For me, coming out has always been a one-on-one thing. I have terrible stage fright, so I’m not going to say it at a family dinner. All I can picture is a bunch of people, staring at me open-mouthed, their forks paused in mid air. The only other way would be going around the room at a holiday party and, between gulps of champagne, tell each person one by one. That’s not happening either.
Some think the holidays are a perfect time to come out. This time of year tends to put people in a good mood. After a few drinks, a large meal and a ton of presents, who knows? Maybe your conservative parents will suddenly start waving the rainbow flag. Maybe the old folks, who you think won’t get it, will nod knowingly and ask what she’s like.
But I just can’t do it right now. And since I only see my family during the holidays, they may never know.
For those of you who are planning to do it, good luck. Oh, and if you pick up any tips while you’re at it, let me know. (The only one I can think of right now is: Don’t stand next to baby Jesus.) Obviously, I could use the help. If you can’t say it this year, don’t worry, I’m right there with ya.
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GreenAura
wrote on December 18 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]
Why is it important to come out to your entire family anyway? Your sex life is none of their business. Do you ask them if they like anal or S&M? Of course not, so why should they know that you like the lady bits? Your immediate family, yes absolutely because you want them to meet your girl and accept every part of your life, including your orientation. But I wouldn’t worry about extended family. Maybe down the road, just bring your lady to Thanksgiving and introduce her. You’ll probably be the talk of the night, but you just have to rip off that band-aid quickly. Its not like they would kick you out of the house. They’ll have no choice but to accept it. Especially if you bring her to YOUR parents house. I would not advise that you go up to all of them and say “hey guys, just letting you know, I like to lick vagina”, unless you like seeing wine being shot out of your aunts nose and watching your second cousin choke on his dinner roll. Good luck to you darlin!
tabby
wrote on December 18 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]
While I am not on team lesbian, I can offer you this perspective. If you have never brought people to family gatherings, then they are already wondering about you. They may not be so rude as my family to ask you to your face if the reason you never have a holiday date is because you are in the closet, but I bet you that at least a good chunk of them are wondering and perhaps discuss it amongst themselves. Especially if your grandma already knows. She may not out you, but I am sure she has weathered a few awkward conversations on your behalf. I think you might want to take the boyfriend questions as they come. If a family member is asking who you think would be perfectly fine with your sexual orientation and is a bit of a gossip, then just mention your current or ex-girlfriend casually. Trust me, the family gossip mill will take it from there. By next holiday season, everyone will know and you won’t have to have a big dramatic moment. Heck my uncle has been in the closet for 45 years. We all know, but figure that if he doesn’t want to talk about it, then we should just let him have his piece. Of course that also means no one ever asks him about his love life, so that is a big plus right there. Best of luck dealing with your family.
_jsw_
wrote on December 18 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Nikki, no matter how things go, I wish you luck. Having had to make potentially embarrassing statements to relatives myself, I know that the anticipation and awkwardness of doing it (if you do) is almost always worse than the after part, unless you’ve got real bastards for relatives who will go all holy-roller on you.
I hope you’re able to find a way to tell those you want to (or feel you should) tell, and that it goes well. I suspect you’re thinking they’ll be concerned far more than they actually will be.
Plus, you assume that your fame as a The Frisky writer hasn’t already spread the word for you.
bogart4017
wrote on December 18 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]
It’ll be a holiday they never forget. Lotsa luck.
Jillybean
wrote on December 18 2009 @ 03:34 pm: [report]
I wish you luck with this, and to anyone else going on with the same thing:
My family are the biggest gossips around. We all know what we’re all doing and we all pass judgement on it too and we’re usually pretty happy together.
You say you’re tight with your mum and that, well my mum would be the first to correct someone if they presumed something about my sexuality. Could your family break the news? After all, what’s the big deal?
impoddity
wrote on December 18 2009 @ 08:54 pm: [report]
LOL, thanks Nikki.
I’ve since reconsidered a grand announcement over dessert. I think I’ll opt for the one-on-one conversations instead. It’s more personal and I can get any questions over and done with then and there.
I have some relatives who must be related to @_jsw_, who would gossip and potentially ruin the “happy” holiday. Plus I don’t care for them anyway and really would prefer not to divulge any personal information to them, let alone claim relation to them.
Or I could just swing by with my girlfriend. That’d be a laugh. Where’s my camera, so I can record the look on their faces? :D
BlueVibe
wrote on December 22 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
Once again, I am thanking my lucky stars I grew up in a gay-friendly religious environment. Having somebody tell me they were gay while we were standing next to a créche wouldn’t bother me at all.
And, frankly, I think a heinous Christmas novelty sweater is much, much, more of an affront to the Baby Jesus that one’s sexual orientation.
Megsaintg
wrote on January 11 2010 @ 04:34 pm: [report]
Coming out to my parents was pretty tough and similar to you, I am only out to my close family. I am planning a trip this summer to visit the whole family in Michigan and I am taking my girlfriend(full sleeves and all). I am going the introduce and hope they are polite route
Anyway nice column!