Girl Code: Sometimes You’ve Got To Mind Your Own Business
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
3:30PM, Monday February 2nd 2009
When my friend Stephanie was out to dinner the other night, she saw a young, twentysomething couple having dinner together at a table near hers. When the woman got up to go to the restroom, the woman’s boyfriend/husband, grabbed her phone and began searching through it, in an obviously suspicious way. Stephanie said she felt super guilty for not having said anything to the woman when she returned; that not letting her know that her man was spying on her and checking her call logs was a violation of girl code. I disagree. While I think women should look out for each other—hell, I think people should look out for each other—sometimes I think girl code treads too much into “none of your business” territory.
For starters, think of the bad relationship behavior you’ve been guilty of, that you wouldn’t appreciate being busted doing, especially by a stranger. I used to, occasionally, in fits of ridiculous paranoia, check my ex’s phone just to see who he was texting. If he had found out, he would have been (rightfully) pissed, but my motivations weren’t exactly evil or conniving. Likewise, this one time I got very drunk at an office Christmas party and gave one of my coworkers a, uh, lap dance. [Note: In fairness, our Christmas party AFTER-party was at a strip club. When in Rome…] Had someone spilled the beans to my boyfriend, I would have been in deep, deep trouble for something that I already felt enormously guilty about AND would never do again. It was something he just didn’t need to know.
That’s why, in general, people should stay out of each others’ business, girl code be damned, unless they really think they’ll be saving the person serious grief and heartache. We got an email from a reader named Victoria with the following girl code conundrum.
“The guy I’m interested in, Doug, has a girlfriend of nearly five years, but he’s told me that the sexual side of their relationship is stale. For over a year, he and I have had a flirtatious relationship. It started off innocently enough, but has progressed into IM and phone sex. That said, we’ve never actually touched or kissed. We’ve talked about being together—we both think we’re perfect for each other—when he breaks up with his girlfriend, Kellie, but he hasn’t actually done it yet because he thinks she’d be crushed if he dumped her. Last week I decided to end things with him, because he clearly wasn’t going to end things with her, but now I’m left wondering if I should tell his girlfriend what was going on. As much as I think she deserves to know, I don’t think I can tell her. All three of us are within the same circle of friends. If I were to tell her what was going on between her boyfriend and I, our whole group of friends would know and they would think I was a bad person, or had done a really bad thing. I feel guilty about it—Kellie doesn’t deserve this—but at the same time, I think the situation is too messy to get any more involved in.”
So what do you think Victoria should do? Should Girl Code be followed to the letter in this scenario and should she tell Kellie that Doug has been flirting with her behind her back? Or should she count her blessings, be glad she got out alive, and stay the hell away? Would Kellie even benefit from knowing her boyfriend was engaging in serious, heavy duty flirtation with another girl, but did not actually physically cheat? After all, Kellie wouldn’t necessarily dump Doug as a result, but she would probably mistrust him, and potentially men in general, because of this indiscretion. And it’s almost guaranteed that Victoria, in the end, would face repercussions as well, outside of her sadness that things with Doug didn’t work out. So help the girl out y’all! How far does Girl Code actually extend?
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par3
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 03:59 pm: [report]
i’d be all like, “why you staring at my man when i leave?”
leesha
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 04:30 pm: [report]
I think she violated the girl code in the first place especially since they were probably friends since they all hung out together,“All three of us are within the same circle of friends.” so y tell her now? Could it just be that your bitter he never left her like he said he was going to?
abbylyn
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 04:41 pm: [report]
I’m confused… if Victoria is the “other woman” and Kellie is the girlfriend… who is Amy (mentioned at the end) and what doesn’t she deserve?
Amelia
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 04:52 pm: [report]
Oops, that was a typo!
Lynn
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 04:57 pm: [report]
I wouldn’t tell the girlfriend. But then again, I think the “girl code” is kind of stupid. Why should I watch out for another person any more just because she has a vagina, too? I go by a “people code” and try to look out for everyone. But anyway, I don’t think she should tell the girlfriend. I don’t see what good could come of it. I’m guessing this was an indiscretion on Doug’s part that he does, or soon will, feel totally guilty about and wish had never happened, and he will have renewed commitment to his relationship. Or, if all this heavy-duty flirting actually did mean that he wasn’t happy in the relationship and couldn’t stay committed, hopefully he will figure that one out himself and end the relationship himself, like a big boy.
@abbylyn - I’m thinking the letter writer mixed up the code names
joyy
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 05:12 pm: [report]
Unless she’s prepared to lose the gf as a friend and all the mutual friends as well (not that it would def. happen, but it could), I wouldn’t do it. She’ll suffer her own guilt over what happened, but telling the gf will only cause problems for her. If they’re having troubles, they need to work that out.
@Lynn - Agreed! A friend of mine went with ‘girl code’ when I first started dating my current bf. Since she knew him better than I did, I appreciated that she told me what she knew ... except it turned out to be false.
The gesture was nice, but the reality was that she was spreading miscontrued BS her friend spun after hooking up with him (after comparing my bf’s side of the story to the ‘girl code’ warning, it seems that *someone* makes drunken bad decisions and blames things on others instead of taking responsibilities for her own actions).
After figuring that out, I saw her do the same thing to another friend of ours who dated an ex of the girl who badmouthed my bf. Watching out for your friends and not wanting them to get hurt is one thing, but being a raging gossip-monger is another.
sugarlips
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 05:52 pm: [report]
In the first scenario at the restaurant, she was right for not saying anything. It could’ve been interpreted as snooping, but she has no idea - it could be his phone after all, or maybe they were both involved in some text messaging convo that he now wanted to re-read. Maybe she gave him full permission to check her phone all he wanted. None of her business.
In the 2nd scenario, the friend violated friend code by engaging in that sort of talk and flirting with the BF to begin with. If she now tells her friend what happened, she can pretty much kiss her friendship goodbye (and the friendships with any other friends that choose sides). I could see her maybe wanting to say something when he first came on to her, but even that I think could be handled without the friend needing to know. She needs to just let it go, unless she values her friendship with him more than with her… though sounds like that “-ship” might be 1-sided if he hasn’t left the friend to be with her like he suggested he would do.
SeattleMama
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 08:04 pm: [report]
I think the girl in the 2nd scenario is motivated more by revenge then the ‘girl code’ itself… because she feels wronged enough that it hasn’t occurred to her how she’s going to look to her circle of friends for the part she played in all of this. While it’s sexist and unfair, she is going to be judged more harshly then the guy- and who knows, maybe he’ll deny it altogether and she’ll look like even more of an ass. Some people don’t WANT to know anything that’s going to force them to make a choice, so they’d rather believe a denial then learn the truth.
Cut your losses- and in the future, stay the H*ll away from other people’s boyfriends! If you were so worried about the ‘girl code’, you wouldn’t have gone there to begin with.
demi-angel
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 10:16 pm: [report]
okay first of all F*** the girl code.
not saying you shouldn’t look out for people but i’m with Lynn. i have a “people code” and a “friend code”, i don’t see any point to any “girl code”... that mini rant out of the way, 1st of all, she pretty much already broke any “girl code” with getting that deep with the other girl’s BF, and 2, DON’T TELL HER.
nothing good could possibly come from it. they’ll likely break up or else even if they stay together it’ll be a broken relationship, and she’ll probably end up looking like the trampy back stabbing bitch.
frankly the only reason i think she even really wants to tell her is so she doesn’t feel so guilty. too bad, you did something wrong, now live with it. and please, stay away from other people’s boyfriends and you’ll never be in this situation again
vanya
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 10:23 pm: [report]
Victoria is, of course, assuming Kellie doesn’t already know. Kellie’s been with Doug for 5 years… there is the distinct possibility she’s already aware of his extra-curricular activities, and it’s not a dealbreaker for her. Hey, maybe Doug and Kellie even have a good laugh about it behind Victoria’s back.
Eva
wrote on February 3 2009 @ 12:50 am: [report]
In the resteraunt, if it was me I wouldn’t say a word to the woman unless she was my best friend and then I would tell her asap! As for Victoria Don’t tell now! You broke “girl code” when you tried to steal your friend’s man. Obviously you don’t care THAT much about her. If you tell now, after you tried and failed to get Doug to leave her then you are just telling because your secretly hoping she’ll dump him and he’ll come running to you. Don’t count on it!! And you’ll look bad in front of your other friends. I say stay the hell away from Doug and Kellie both. They aren’t your friends.
bella7623
wrote on February 3 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
F*** the Girl Code? Really? I doubt that would be your opinion if you found out one of your “people”-friends was screwing around with your other “people”-friend behind your back. I also doubt your feelings would be the same if this were about the suffrage movement or birth control, etc. Sure, I’m bringing up extreme scenarios where its been crucial that women stick together to reach a common goal for the betterment of humanity at large. Sure, I agree that as human beings we should all be looking out for each other regardless of gender, race, religion, in a perfect world that would be the case. I try to do that, I teach my daughter to live that way and it seems most people commenting here agree with that theory.
However, at the end of the day, “Girl Code”, on a broader scale of course, is one of the things that has brought women together with common interests and goals to make the WORLD better, for WOMEN, EVERYWHERE.
Does that make me feel its my responsibility to divulge every randoms man’s indiscretion against one of my sisters? No, but my sisters, one and all know I have their backs and they’d never catch me messing around with anyone they ever touched.
It goes against the code.
CuteCora
wrote on February 3 2009 @ 03:09 pm: [report]
Of Course she does not deserve to find out her man has been more or less cheating and that you are the culpert in it… you dont feel bad , your just mad that he has not left her for you…besides at this point I highly doubt she will beleive you when you waited so long.. if you really thought she did not deserve this , then the actions would never have taken place..would you feel any better he he dumped her and ran to you..of course you would cause your feelings would be validated but now that they are not… you play the victum…. PLEASE…
jazzyj
wrote on February 3 2009 @ 03:35 pm: [report]
Ok, I’m all about the girl code in a way. And it is a people code as much as a girl code. If a girl or boy is in the bathroom and her/his companion puts a powdery/liquid/otherwise foreign substance into her appletini, I’m a telling. But, for all I know, when a guy is viciously searching his lady friend’s phone, he may be looking for clues for the right time/place to put a billboard up asking her to marry him. Granted, he could be searching to make sure she isn’t communicating with the aliens about his precise location via coordinates, but it’s definitely a situation strangers should stay out of.
The girl code means you don’t hook up with guys who have girlfriends in the first place, doesn’t it? So, you can’t use the girl code as an excuse to snitch on the guy when he didn’t do what he said he was going to do. It may be with the best of intentions, perhaps realizing the girl code should have been in effect all along because guys who complain about women they are going home to after phone sex with their friends are most often douche bags of multi flavors who would just leave if they wanted to leave, but it doesn’t work. You can snitch, but you can’t blame the girl code. Snitching will only cause problems for the would be new girlfriend and create a lot of drama within the circle of friends that these people share. It’s best to just hope the girlfriend never finds out and starts heating up the bedroom not snooping through old IMs.
namarada
wrote on February 4 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
That can be a sticky situation. If a good friend’s bf was doing something that was questionable, I would tell her. But if its an acquaintance or a stranger, I would keep my mouth shut. For example, my bf’s best friend is a misogynist cheating pig. He had been cheating on his on again off again girlfriend. My head almost exploded when I heard details. First, my boyfriend told me in confidence. His friend does not know that I know. But it was horrific knowing too much info, that I told a couple of trusted friends. I knew I could tell them because they are not connected with my bf or his friends. Its one of those situations where I needed to vent to someone. Not long after I heard about this drama, the boyfriend’s bff ended the relationship for good. Whether or not he told her, is none of my business. I don’t dislike the ex-girlfriend, but we are not friends. I felt sorry for her, but at the same time he has broken up with her more than once. She knows he has committment issues and chose to remain with him. He was seeing her because he was not seeing anyone else and everyone in that circle knows it. So basic rule, only tell if the person is a good friend. Don’t be a gossip about it.
namarada
wrote on February 4 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]
Also wanted to add to my previous post that Karma will take care of it. What you put out comes back.
mysticunicorn
wrote on February 5 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]
In the first scenario it was wise not to speak up. She may have told him to call someone whose number was programmed in the phone. Now imagine the embarassment if this had been the case.
In the second scenario—first of all Victoria broke the girl code plain and simple. She knew Doug was in a relationship with Kellie and listening to his complaints probably thought she could/would be the better woman for him. Not so fast Victoria! He’s probably telling you that in hopes of pulling on your heartstrings and ultimately ending up pulling on your G-string. If he was telling Victoria that his sex life with Kellie was stale-he was using that as an excuse to get some action. Victoria shouldn’t have even contemplated a relationship with Doug. If he was spilling the beans on such an intimate topic to her she should wonder what he would spill about her to someone else. She should wonder who else he was talking up besides her. He clearly isn’t good boyfriend material because not only was he putting out bait for someone new but he was fishing in his girlfriend’s pool of friends which is very clearly a no-no. If he was going to end the relationship he should have the guts to do it without a safety net to fall into. I think more of a man or woman who can end a relationship without someone else to break the fall and who wants to be a safety net/rebound anyway? To tell Kellie that not only was her boyfriend a jerk but her so-called friend was too is clearly in bad taste. It’s best to let it go and chalk it up to a lesson learned. Anyone could be pulled into a situation like this if not on guard. The best thing to do is to be aware of it and avoid situations like this to begin with. Now as for me? If my man hit on one of my friends I would want to know because I believe in truth and honesty and prefer to have things out on the table but not everyone feels that way. Some prefer to remain ignorant of the fact so it’s best to know the personality of the person before you spill the beans. Kellie is obviously ignorant of the fact or knows and doesn’t want the confrontation. Either way in time it will be obvious and she will see him for what he truly is. From my observations they rarely leave the one they’re complaining about and either fix the problems that were in the relationship to begin with making it even stronger and closer than ever or get caught and get the boot/or forgiven. The best indicator about anything is to go with your gut instinct.
prettydarnkim
wrote on February 8 2009 @ 05:54 pm: [report]
Watch the movie Blue Velvet—it will teach you to always stay out of other peoples’ trouble.
FunSexyLady
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 07:53 pm: [report]
She should keep her mouth shut! What good would it do for anyone involved (circle of friends included) to let it be known what they’ve been doing? Victoria wanted Doug; she opened herself to him in a way to make him want her. When her true feelings were unrequited (her letter hinted that she wanted him to break up with his GF), she ended it. So what does she want: Revenge for Doug not breaking up with his GF? Or, does she want to absolve herself of her own guilt because this woman is in her circle? Either way, both reasons are extremely selfish and damaging to others. Swallow your guilt, shut your trap and hope your friend wises up before it’s too late. Don’t be fooled by Doug. I’m sure you won’t be the last one for him.
the-logical-one
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 04:49 pm: [report]
strongly support knowledge being shared about a cheater.
Where it is a delicate situation, you start w/ “I am worried about your health. Your husband/boyfriend has been dipping his wick into someone else’s wax (or your wife/girlfriend been getting dipped by someone else’s wick into her wax). [or similar type of wording] State that the husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend could easily bring home an incurrable disease.
As a male, I can state women cheat, as much as, or more than men.
I have very few good qualities, but I HAVE NEVER committed INFIDELITY (even when a relationship was less than satisfying).
My ex-wife cheated so much, I am not even sure if my daughter is biologically mine. When my ex met someone in a chat room & abandoned my daughter & myself, I filed for divorce. I was given full custody & my ex was given a “lifetime ban” of ANY visitation (including supervised visitation). Even if my daughter is not biologically mine, I am the ONLY person who she knows as a parent. I have provided her w/ as much love/support as possible. Someday, I MAY tell her more details about her mother & get a parternity test, but that will be many yrs away (my daughter is only 13).
I keep searching for my ex - I am NOT a stalker, but my state would like reimbursement for my daughter’s medical expenses. I may even decide to get “child support” fm her (still w/o visitation).
Once a cheater, always a cheater. I found her most recent MySpace page & she states that she is in a relationship, but going out w/ other guys until she finds the one she wants. There are MANY degrading terms that describe her, but since she is still the same fm 1995 until 2009, I DO NOT feel she could ever change.
bumbler
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 05:04 pm: [report]
Victoria is a pretty #&@$% person overall (as is Doug.) Trying to do the right thing now is like closing the barn door once the horse is out.
Unrelated but who actually buys the “we’re not sexual anymore but she can’t handle a breakup now” line anymore? Idiocy.